Meg's Family
by Malcolm Fox
Summary: Well, The Griffins and Murdocks are back and ready for another set of wild, zany, & outright hilarious adventures. This fic has been cancelled...
1. One Murdock Too Many?

**The Unnamed Sequel**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Family Guy or the characters associated with Family Guy. Seth MacFarlane owns them. I do, however, own Zack, Maddie, Tilly, C.J. and other original characters.**

**(A/N: This story takes place only a few months after the end of "Meg's Boyfriend" so the characters haven't changed a bit. Sorry if you were expecting a sequel with bigger changes.)  
**

**Chapter 1: One Murdock Too Many?**

"Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Zack as he and Meg talked in the living room.

"Zack, even you said we should do this," said Meg.

"I know, but I'm not sure if we're ready for this," asked Zack.

"What are you guys talking about?" asked Peter as he and Lois walked into the room.

"Zack and I are thinking of having another baby," said Meg.

"Oh crap! You're going to bring another little monster into the world?" asked Peter.

"Monster?!?! Maddie isn't a monster!" said Zack, "Stewie on the other hand..."

Meanwhile upstairs, Stewie is coloring inside a coloring book when Maddie walks into the room.

"Stewie, we need to talk," said Maddie.

"About what?" asked Stewie.

"It's about Jeff, from preschool," said Maddie, "Remember when he went missing after he tried to steal your backpack?"

"Yes, what about him?"

"Well I found one of his fingers in your toy box," said Maddie, "Care to explain?"

"Those aren't fingers," said Stewie, "Those are... Blast! What the devil are those called again? Hotdogs! Yes, hotdogs!"

"Hotdogs... With joints..." said Maddie.

"Yes, of course," said Stewie.

"Okay, just making sure," said Maddie as she waked away.

Back downstairs...

"I don't know," said Lois, "Meg's pregnancy with Maddie was unplanned. I mean, you both are pretty young and I'm not sure you're ready to handle another child."

"Yeah, I think it's a worse idea than the time I ran my own bulletproof vest shop," said Peter.

**Flashback**

Peter is speaking with an unsure customer, trying to convince him to buy a vest.

"Are you sure these things work?" he asked.

"!00 guaranteed," said Peter, "I'm wearing one right now and to prove that they work, my associate, Glen Quagmire here will shoot me in the chest. Ready?"

"Ready!" said Quagmire as he cocked his gun and shot Peter multiple times. Peter is still standing, looking relatively unharmed.

"Wow, they really do work!" said the customer.

"Peter!" shouted Cleveland as he ran up to him, "You forgot to put on the vest!"

"Really?" asked Peter as he lifted his shirt and noticed multiple red bleeding circles, "Yeah... I suppose I did. The bullets are probably lodged in my fat... Be a pal and call some hospitals, Cleveland."

**End Flashback**

Maddie then walks into the living room wondering what everybody's talking about.

"What's going on?" asked Maddie, "Why's everybody in the living room?"

"Maddie, what's the one thing you want in the whole wide world?" asked Meg.

"Hmm..." said Maddie as she thought for a moment.

**Maddie's Imagination.**

At NASA, Maddie has Olivia Fuller tied to a rocket ship heading out into deep space.

"Maddie, don't do this to me! PLEASE!" shouted Olivia, "You can't do this to me!!!"

"You're right," said Maddie, "...That's why I'm sending Connie with you."

"YOU LITTLE BRAT!!!" shouted Connie, "I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL FOR THIS!!!"

"Save your breath," said Maddie, "Because there's no air where you're going."

After the countdown is done, Olivia and Connie scream as they are shot upwards to their impending doom.

**End Imagination.**

"...Nah! I'd rather have a pony," said Maddie.

"Well your father and I have decided that we're going to have another baby," said Meg.

"WHAT?!?!" shouted Maddie.

"That's right kiddo," said Zack, "You're going to have a baby brother... or sister... or both if it's twins... or a brother AND sister... or three brothers if they're triplets... or three sisters... or a sister and 2 brothers... or maybe even quintuplets... Well enjoy your space while it lasts."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" screamed Maddie as she ran upstairs.

"Aw, look," said Zack, "She's screaming with excitement."

"Are you sure you want to do this?" asked Lois, "I mean, Zack doesn't even have a job anymore."

"I've got it," said Peter, "I can try to get you a job at the brewery."

"Wow, because nothing says good male role model than a father who works at a place that produces a product that produces abusive male husbands and child beaters," said Zack.

"...So I take that as a no?" said Peter.

"Hell no! I need the money!" said Zack.

"You guys don't need another baby," said Brian, "The world's already overpopulated as it is with people unnecessarily having children."

"If lazy jackasses can have kids to mooch off welfare, why is it wrong for me and my wife to have a kid to actually love?" asked Zack.

"It doesn't matter," said Brian, "It's still overpopulating and Meg's still a teenager."

"...Shut up," said Zack.

Maddie quickly bursts through the door of her room, still screaming and running around in a circle.

"What the deuce is all the fussing about?!?" asked Stewie.

"My parents!!! They... I... space... baby... I... AAAAAHHHHHH!!!" she screamed again.

"Pull yourself together!" shouted Stewie as he slapped her.

"Thanks... I needed that," said Maddie, "Now say that I've been a bad girl!"

"What?" asked Stewie.

"Sorry," said Maddie, "Grandma's genes must've kicked in."

"Alright, explain to me what's going on!"

"It's my parents! They want to have another baby!"

"Are you serious?"

"That's what they told me!" said Maddie, "I don't understand! I'M supposed to be the baby! Why would they want another one?"

"Maybe it's because you're not cute anymore," said Stewie.

"What's THAT supposed to mean?"

"Well, let's face it. You look like Meg," said Stewie, "That alone drops the cute factor to maybe 99.9."

"Says the one with the football shaped head," said Maddie, "But you do have a point. Maybe if I act more cute, they won't need another baby!"

"Exactly!" said Stewie, "Why they'll be putty in your hands if you're cuter than a basket full of puppies and kittens."

The next day, Meg is coming home from school and is about to open the front door. She is then approached by old man Herbert.

"Why hello there, Chris' sister," he said, "I heard some news that you and your man are gonna try for a second baby."

"Yeah... that's right," said Meg.

"That's good..." said Herbert, "You know if it's a boy, I'd like him to come over to my place when he gets old enough. I'll teach him how he's not supposed to touch people."

"...Okay..." she said.

"Well, I'll be on my way. Good luck and please try for a boy," said Herbert as he walked away.

"Goodbye, Mr. Herbert," said Meg as she then quickly runs inside and slams the door.

"What's the matter, Meg?" asked Lois.

"Nothing," said Meg, "Except Zack and I WON'T be having a son."

"C'mon, Meg," said Chris, "Old man Herbert is cool! He's always telling kids he got candy, and he has popsicles in his basement. Except mom won't let me go there and try them."

"Good job," Meg whispered to Lois.

"Hi mommy!" sang Maddie as she skipped downstairs in a hello Kitty outfit, "I missed you sooooo much!"

"Awww! Maddie you look-" said Meg before she sniffed the air, "What's that smell?"

"That's the smell of wuv, mommy!" said Maddie, "Ain't I just pwescious?"

"Wait, that smell's coming from that costume!" said Lois.

"Maddie, is that your Halloween costume?" asked Meg.

"Yes it is!" said Maddie, "And isn't it the cutest costume you ever seen your adowable baby ever-"

"Take it off!" said Meg, "There's a reason you can't wear that costume anymore."

**Flashback.**

At Halloween night, Stewie and Maddie walk into the house excited about all the treats they got. Maddie was in a cleaner kitty costume while Stewie was dressed up as Dr. Evil from Austin Powers.

"I can't believe all the treats we got!" said Maddie.

"Yes and no tricks..." said Stewie in disappointment as he set down a box of grenades, "I only live for the tricks."

"Did you have fun?" asked Lois.

"I sure did!" said Maddie.

"So, how much candy did you get?" asked Meg.

"I got lots! Let me show you!" said Maddie as she went to get her bag, but found it empty, "Huh?"

Peter walks in with his lips covered in chocolate and other different colors.

"You wouldn't believe it, Lois," said Peter, "Some kid was stupid enough to leave his candy lying around in our house. I ate everything from the bucket! Hehehe stupid kids."

"That was my candy..." Maddie said as she cried a bit. Then her face became red with anger, "That.. was... MY... **CANDY!!!!**"

She then punches Peter in the groin as hard as she can. Peter then falls to his knees clutching his groin.

"OH GOD... OH MY GOD!!!" screamed Peter as he threw up all over Maddie.

"Gross!!!" shouted Maddie.

"HA HA!!! Serves you right, fatass!" laughed Zack as he then coughs up a few candy wrapper, "Uh oh..."

"THAT WAS MY CANDY!!!"

"MADDIE, NO!!! WAIT!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" screamed Zack as Maddie punched Zack in his groin.

**End Flashback.**

"I also remember ruining dad's favorite pants," said Maddie.

At that very moment Peter and Zack walk into the house.

"So how was your first day at work?" asked Lois.

"They won't let me work with the beer," said Zack "So I'm stuck working in the same office as Peter. What kinds of stupid rule is it that won't let a 20 year old work in the actual brewery."

"The law," said Brian.

"Sure, take _their_ side why don't you," said Zack, "And what smells like barf?"

"Yeah, that's so NOT cute," said Peter.

"I'm gone," said Maddie as she walked away in shame in her kitty costume.

"So what did the test say?" asked Zack.

"Negative," said Meg.

"Oh well. We'll just have to try again tonight," said Zack.

"Crap!" said Maddie as she ran to her room, "Being cute didn't work! What else should I do?"

"You could try convincing them not to have another baby," said Stewie.

"How?"

"I don't know! Lie to them," said Stewie.

"I'll give it a shot," she said as she ran back downstairs.

She rushes downstairs to Zack and Meg who were making out.

"Zack, I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with this," said Meg.

"Why not?" asked Zack.

"Well, for starters everybody else is still here," she said.

"Yeah, and we're not too comfortable with the idea of you making love in front of us, either," said Chris, "But it's good to see that you're trying to liven up your sex life a bit."

"Mom! Dad!" said Maddie as she ran into the room, "I've got this story to tell you."

"Let's hear it," said Zack.

"You see, I have this friend," said Maddie, "And her parents once had a baby and he was deformed and when he turned 9, he went insane and then slaughtered everybody in the house and stuff. And that's why you shouldn't have a baby. There, I saved your lives!"

"Wait a minute," said Meg, "How does your friend know about this if he slaughtered _everybody_?"

"Yeah," said Zack, "Shouldn't she be dead, too?"

"Unless...," said Peter, "Your friend... is a ZOMBIE!!!"

"..." Zack looks at in silence, "Peter, shut up."

_"Time for plan C,"_thought Maddie, _"I didn't want to do this but it's a surefire way to stop this from happening."_

"Daddy...," said Maddie as she looked at Zack innocently.

"Yes, pumpkin?" asked Zack.

Out of nowhere, Maddie headbutts Zack in the balls causing him to crumple to ground in pain.

"Oh! Right in the daddies!" laughed Peter.

"Crap! There goes another pair of good pants!" shouted Zack.

"Yes! Direct hit!" said Maddie.

"Madeline Mary Ann Murdock! What the hell is wrong with you?!?!" asked Meg.

"Go to your room right now!" shouted Zack in a squeaky effeminate voice.

Peter, Chris, Brian, and Lois laugh their asses off.

"He sounds like one of those chipmunks," said Chris, "You know, the ones who hang out with that pervy Dave dude!"

"Shut up!" said Zack in the squeaky voice, "All of you shut up! It's not funny!"

"Let's just get you an ice pack," said Lois as she and the others helped Zack into the kitchen leaving Maddie and Brian alone.

"Mission accomplished!" said Maddie, "I will now officially be sibling free!"

"You didn't accomplish anything," said Brian, "You're just delaying the inevitable."

"What do you mean?" asked Maddie, "Did you see that blow to the groin?"

"I'd make a witty incest joke from that poor choice of words, but I don't feel like it," said Brian, "Your dad's going to heal eventually and they're going to keep trying. You can't keep kicking him in the nuts forever."

"What am I going to do?" asked Maddie, "I love being an only child! I don't want to share!"

"Well, you could always run away and join the circus," joked Brian, "But seriously, you should just embrace the fact that you may have a younger brother or sister. You'll have somebody younger to teach new things to and to play with."

"I guess you're right, Brian," said Maddie as she walked upstairs, "Thank you."

Later that night inside Maddie's crib, she tosses and turns frequently. After waking up, she climbs from out of her crib and walks towards Meg's room.

"Mom?" she asked as she opened the door a crack. She saw her parents lying in bed. Her father was still in pain.

"Are you sure you're alright?" asked Meg.

"I'll live. I just hope our next kid won't be as much of a handful as Maddie," joked Zack.

"Wonder what he meant by that?" Maddie worriedly asked. She then noticed that Peter and Lois' room was opened a crack. She decides to eavesdrop on them.

"I still don't know if they should be doing this," said Lois.

"Me neither," said Peter, "But wouldn't it be awesome if they had a son, though?"

"What do you mean?" asked Lois.

"I mean, I'd want a son," said Peter, "Even though he doesn't say it, I'm SURE he's actually disappointed that he had Maddie."

"Don't talk like that," said Lois, "It's not true."

"I mean why else does he want another baby?" asked Peter, "After he met Cody, he probably just wants to try for a son of his own. I don't know how he could even stand having a daughter. I know I don't."

"Is THAT why they want another baby?" asked Maddie as her eyes began to tear up.

_"Well, you could always run away and join the circus," joked Brian. _After remembering those words, she quickly runs back into her room.

Stewie begins to wake up and sees a crying Maddie putting things into her backpack.

"Maddie? What the deuce are you doing?" asked Stewie, "And why are you crying?"

"I'm not wanted here," she whimpered, "That's why I'm leaving."

"Leaving to where?" asked Stewie.

"I'm running away to join the circus!" she said as she was packing her things into her backpack, "I'm only packing the essentials, so help me fit this TV and DVD player in here."

"Running away?" asked Stewie, "You mean you're not going to embrace the fact of having a younger sibling?"

"Did YOU embrace the possibility?" asked Maddie.

**Flashback**

From the scene where Stewie is standing in his sandbox from the episode where he met Bertram.

"With god as my witness, I shall see to it that my parents never conceive!" said Stewie.

**End Flashback**

"Why of course," lied Stewie.

"Well, I won't," said Maddie, "Just tell everybody I said goodbye."

"I can't let you leave," said Stewie, "I'm coming with you."

"Really?" asked Maddie.

"Of course. I've always wanted to live the life of a carnie," said Stewie, "It should be more fun than the time we fought the Persian Empire."

**Flashback**

Stewie is holding a sword in front of a Persian messenger whose back is facing a giant hole.

"Earth and water, said Stewie, "You'll find plenty of both down there."

"No man, Persian or Greek, threatens a messenger!" said the Persian messenger.

"You bring the crowns and heads of conquered kings to MY city steps," said Stewie angrily, "You insult my niece. You threaten my people with slavery and death! Oh, I've chosen my words wisely, Persian. Perhaps you should've done the same!"

"This blasphemy!" pleaded he messenger, "This is madness!"

Stewie then looks over to Maddie who slowly nods to him.

"Madness?" asked Stewie, "THIS... IS... SPARTAAAAAAAAAA!!!" shouted Stewie as techno music began playing in the background "T- T- T- T- T- T- T- T- T- T- AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH!!!!"

If you've seen a Sparta Remix on Youtube before, you should know what's happening right now. Yadda yadda. Stewie kicks the messenger into the hole which makes a whipping sound.

**End Flashback**

"Well, we should get going," said Maddie as she and Stewie slowly sneaked from out of the house.

"Yes, at last I'll be away from this idiot infested hell hole," said Stewie as he walked down the street.

"Yeah..." said Maddie as she took one last look at what used to be her home.

She and Stewie then walk off into the night. A tear slowly slips from her eye as she tries to force herself to forget about them... the ones that were once her family...

**End Chapter.**


	2. Circus Geeks

**Chapter 2: Circus Geeks**

It was the very next morning after Maddie and Stewie's departure. The family, however, haven't even noticed that they were gone. Not yet, anyway. Lois was making breakfast while Peter, Chris, Meg, and Zack were sitting at the table.

"Peter, can you get Stewie and Maddie?" asked Lois, "Breakfast is almost ready."

"Getting the babies from bed?" asked Peter, "That's a woman's job!"

"Well I'm cooking right now," said Lois, "And I can't do two things at once. Now could you please bring them here?"

"Fine," sighed Peter, "Why do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?"

"Oh yeah, life's so hard for you," said Zack sarcastically, "I mean all that sitting, watching TV, drinking beer, and hanging out with your friends must be so exhausting. Too bad Lois always does lazy work such as cooking and cleaning."

"Are you implying that I'm lazy?" asked Peter.

"No, Peter. I was serious," said Zack sarcastically, "Also the Earth is flat, Tupac is still alive, and Hitler was just a figment of our imagination."

"That's a relief. For a second there I thought you were being sarcastic again," said Peter as he walked upstairs.

"Rocket scientist he ain't," said Brian as continued reading his newspaper.

"You feeling any better, Zack?" asked Chris.

"Everything's healed except my pride...," said Zack, "By which I mean my balls."

"What was up with her?" asked Meg, "She's been acting strange since we announced trying to have a new baby."

"Maybe she's jealous," said Chris, "Jealous of the fact that a new baby could take away all the love and attention from her and make her feel like a second rate child," Meg, Lois, Zack, and Brian just stare at Chris in disbelief, "Um, I mean my cereal made my milk brown like poo! HAHAHAHA!"

At that moment, Peter runs downstairs with a worried look on his face.

"You guys!" said Peter, "You need to come upstairs, NOW!"

"What's wrong?" asked Lois.

"It's Stewie and Maddie!" said Peter as he pointed to their beds and lifted the sheets, "They've been turned into PILLOWS!!!"

"..." Zack looks at Peter in awkward silence, "Try again."

"They're invisible?" asked Peter.

"Keep going," said Zack.

"They've shrunken to microscopic proportions?" asked Peter.

"Try one more time," said Zack.

Uhh..."

"C'mon, you can do it."

"They've gone missing?" asked Peter.

"That's the one," said Zack, "MEG, MADDIE'S GONE MISSING!!!"

"Oh my god!" panicked Meg, "We have to find her!"

"Wait, aren't you worried about Stewie?" asked Lois.

"Not really," said Zack.

"Why not?" she asked.

"Haven't you ever noticed that he leaves the house whenever he wants? He's even taken trips with Brian," asked Zack, "I mean, just last week he traveled to China..."

**Flashback**

Stewie has the emperor of China held at gunpoint while having control over the Chinese military.

"Victory is mine!" said Stewie triumphantly.

**End Flashback**

"Then he went to the White House," continued Zack.

**Flashback**

Stewie has U.S. President George Dubya Bush held at gunpoint while having control over the U.S. military.

"Victory is mine!" said Stewie triumphantly.

**End Flashback**

"And then to Venice Beach," Zack finished.

**Flashback**

Stewie is now in Venice Beach... watching a bodybuilding contest.

"Ooh! Look at those biceps," said Stewie.

**End Flashback**

"But still, he's only a baby," said Lois, "I just can't help but worry."

"There doesn't appear to be a struggle," said Brian, "And I don't smell the scent of anybody else but those two. They must've run away on their own!"

"But why?" asked Zack.

"Oh my god!" said Meg, "She must've felt threatened by the thought of having a younger sibling!"

"That's exactly it!" said Peter, "And it was NOT because I was saying mean things about her from behind her back!"

"What have we... wait what?" asked Meg.

"Basically, I was saying how you guys should've had a son instead of a pathetic girl," said Peter.

"Wait, you said that about Maddie?" asked Zack.

"Yeah... Lois was there," said Peter, "You know, it's kinda funny now that I look back-"

Meg then goes mad, mounts on Peter and begins punching him in the face wildly while screaming out loud. Lois and Chris grab Meg and hold her back.

"I'LL KILL HIM!!!" she screamed angrily as she foamed in the mouth, "I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL KILL THAT FAT SON OF A BITCH!!"

"Meg, stop it!" said Brian, "Beating up Peter won't bring back Maddie!"

"We don't know that for sure," said Zack.

"Zack!" said Lois angrily.

"Kidding! I'm just kidding," said Zack, "You okay, Peter?"

"I taste blood!" cried Peter as he spat out a tooth, "What the hell? Oh well. Free money."

"What do we do?" asked Chris.

"I'll tell you what we do," said Peter, "We've gotta find those kids."

"And YOU gotta help us," said Zack pointing at the screen.

(A/N: Guess the reference.)

"This is no time for jokes," said Brian, "We should be searching."

"But where could they have gone?" asked Lois.

Somewhere in an undisclosed area of Quahog, Stewie and Maddie are on a grassy hill looking at a large red and white striped tent. Outside of the tent, there were performers practicing for their circus acts.

"There it is," said Maddie.

"Yes, the big top," said Stewie, "Today we start a new life as young circus performers. At last, I'm away from that vile woman and you won't have to deal with that disgusting moo moo cow ever again."

"Okay, call my mom a moo moo cow again and I'll knock so many teeth out of your mouth, you'll be rich," said Maddie.

"What the hell is that about?" asked Stewie, "I thought you didn't want to have anything to do with her or those people."

"I don't," said Maddie, "It's just... I look like her."

"Yes, and what a terrible misfortune that was," said Stewie.

"Wanna be a billionaire?" asked Maddie.

"Shutting up," said Stewie.

A few minutes later, the two babies are sitting in the circus owner's office. He also happened to be the ringmaster as he had a round physique, a curled up mustache and wore the typical ringmaster's attire.

"So exactly what brings you young ones to my circus?" asked the ringmaster.

"We're running away from home and wish to join this circus of yours," said Maddie.

"Running away, huh?" he asked, "Running away from home won't solve anything."

"Yes and wearing that grotesque mustache won't get you laid, either," said Stewie, "Now give us a bloody job at the circus!"

"I can't just give you a job," said the ringmaster, "You have to have certain talents to work in a circus."

"Well... I once had a job playing the tuba behind fat people," said Stewie.

"That's not a job," said Maddie, "That's just annoying. People don't get paid to be annoying... Well, except telemarketers... and Randy Orton... he's such a douche muffin."

**Cutaway.**

WWE superstar Randy Orton approaches a kid.

"Hey, here's your lunchbox, kid," said Orton, "I'm sorry for stealing it, even though you said I sucked."

"Thanks," said the kid.

"Oh, and I also put in something extra that you'll really enjoy," said Orton.

"What's that?"

"Fudge."

**End Cutaway.**

"Well, have you worked with animals?" asked the ringmaster.

"Why yes!" lied Stewie, "Yes we have! Lots of them! Tell him Maddie of all the wonderful and amazing animals we've worked with and that this is not some big fat lie to cover for the fact that we haven't."

"Oh, um, sure!" said Maddie, "We once worked with this giant gorilla named... Peter! Not to be confused with a similar gorilla named Homer of who most people think Peter is a ripoff of... which he isn't."

"Yes, Peter's a very stupid gorilla," said Stewie, "Very childish. He also helped in the creation of the ugliest creature ever... Moo moo cow girl."

"I WARNED YOU!!!" shouted Maddie as she tackled Stewie and was about to punch him.

"Whoa! Settle down, you two," said ringmaster, "Now, are there any other animals you've worked with?"

"Well, we once got into a tangle with a bear," said Stewie, "Killed it with our bare hands. Get it? The clever use of bear and bare? It's funny because they sound alike. Yup, they sound like the same word..."

"Really? Well how would you two like to work with animals?" asked the ringmaster.

"What kind of job?" asked Stewie, "This better not be one of those moments where I'm hoping for something good, but end up having to pick up animal doody."

"No, this is a very exciting job for you two," said the ringmaster.

"We get to train animals?" asked Maddie.

"Even better," said the ringmaster, "You both get to be lion tamers!"

"LION TAMERS!?!?!" asked Maddie in horror.

"Alright! High five!" said Stewie as he raised his hand.

"W-W-Wait a minute! I don't want to be a lion tamer!" pleaded Maddie, "There's gotta be something else I can do."

"Well... Would you like to be a clown instead?" he asked.

"..." Maddie stares at the ringmaster for a moment, "High five..." said Maddie reluctantly as she limply high fived Stewie.

Later at the Quahog Mini Mart, Zack and Chris walk up to Carl holding papers.

"Hey Carl, is it alright if we put pictures of my brother and niece on the windows?" asked Chris.

"Why? Are they, like, famous or something?" asked Carl.

"No... they're missing," said Zack.

"Whoa... tough, man," said Carl.

"I still don't know where I went wrong," said Zack, "All I wanted was a baby brother or sister for her to play with and she runs off!"

"Don't beat yourself up over it," said Carl, "People make mistakes. I once mistook a cop for a hooker."

"That was you on the news?" asked Chris.

"Yup," said Carl.

"...You know that was a MALE cop right?" asked Zack.

"He had long hair," said Carl, "Anyway, from what I'm hearing you need some cheering up."

"You know what cheers me up when I'm sad?" asked Chris.

"What?" asked Carl.

"Karaoke," said Chris.

"...I love karaoke," said Carl.

"Karaoke? You're kidding, right?" asked Zack.

"What's the matter with you, Zack?" asked Carl, "You don't like singing and fun?!?!"

"Only when it's amateur night!" said Zack, "I HATE amateur night. You basically sit and hear people who suck at singing! Who in their right mind would go to amateur night?"

"...Get out," said Carl.

Back at the circus, Stewie and Maddie have whips at hand and were about to practice their lion tamer routine.

"Oh my god, I'm filled with utter excitement and glee!" said Stewie.

"I'm not!" said Maddie, "I'm more scared than a Japanese Schoolgirl on a Subway train!"

"How can you be scared?" asked Stewie, "We are about to tame wild lions! Imagine if we can gain complete control of them!"

"But I'm scared!" said Maddie.

"What's to be scared of?" asked Stewie.

At that moment, the strong man walked up to the two.

"We've already went through 5 lion tamers this week alone," said the strong man pointing to the cage.

Maddie gasped in horror as she saw 5 sets of Lion Tamers' clothing lying beside the sleeping lion.

"Oh my god!" said Stewie as he looked at the clothing on the ground, "Those pants looked so tacky! Am I really going to have to wear pants like those?"

Back at the house, Zack and Chris walk back inside where everybody else is waiting for them.

"So have you found ANYHTING?" asked Zack.

"Nothing," said Meg.

"I couldn't find them either," said Peter, "I even asked a bunch of people."

**Flashback**

Peter is walking down the street holding a Missing poster of Maddie and Stewie. Peter walks up to a random business man.

"Excuse me," said Peter, "But have you seen these two babies?"

"Sorry. I haven't," he said.

"Well, thanks anyway," said Peter as he walked away.

The business man continues walking when he's approached by Peter again.

"Excuse me," said Peter, "But have you seen these two babies?"

"You already asked me," said the man.

"Sorry," said Peter, "Well thanks anyway."

The business man continues walking when he's approached by Peter again.

"Excuse me," said Peter, "But have you seen these two babies?"

"YOU ALREADY ASKED ME!" said the man now annoyed, "IF YOU COME UP TO ME AND ASK ME AGAIN, I'M CALLING THE COPS!!"

"Okay okay!" said Peter as he walked away.

The business man continues walking when he's approached by Peter disguised as a Chinese man wearing Chinese clothing, a straw hat and buck teeth.

"Pardon my Engrish," said Peter in an asian accent, "But have you sheen theesh two babiesh?"

The man just places his palm on his face and groans.

**End Flashback**

"This is hopeless!" said Meg, "Those two could be anywhere!"

"Don't worry," said Peter, "We'll find Stewie and girl Stewie. We just need a clue of some sort."

"Peter's right," said Zack, "If only we had some kind of- OOF!!"

Peter and Zack are then tackled by the giant fighting chicken and Lobster the giant fighting lobster. They were about to begin the fight, but-

"Now is NOT a good time!" said Zack irritated, "My daughter is missing!"

"Really? I'm sorry, man," said Lobster, "I had no idea."

"My son's missing, too," said Peter.

"Whoa, that's hard," said the Chicken.

"Yeah, it's a very scary feeling to lose your children," said Lobster.

"Anyway, we hope you find your kids," said the chicken as he and Lobster walked away from the house.

"Okay, where was I?" asked Zack, "Oh right. If only we had some sort of lead."

Then at that very moment, Zack's sister Jillian bursts through the door holding her babies.

"Zack, you're not going to believe this!" said Jillian.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I was at the grocery store when I saw these oranges on sale," she said, "They were 10 lbs for 10 dollars!"

"...Oh," said Zack in disappointment.

"Also, on our way to the car I found this!" said Jillian, "A dollar!"

"Jillian, we're having a family crisis," said Lois, "Stewie and Maddie are missing and-"

"Really? Well I found something useful about that!" said Jillian.

"Really?" asked Meg, "Tell us."

"Well, when I walked to my apartment door I noticed something," said Jillian, "I forgot my keys-"

"Mom, just hand them the poster," said Tilly.

"Oh right!" said Jillian, "I found this poster. It's a flyer for some circus."

"And look at who's on it!" said Tilly.

"Let me see that," said Zack as he began reading, "Come one come all and see the world's youngest lion tamers Stewie and Maddie?!?!?"

"Oh my god!" said Lois.

"I know!" said Jillian, "I think you guys should go to that circus and adopt them! I mean, they look just like Maddie and Stewie and even have their names!"

"...Right...," said Lois, "The circus? Where in the world would they get the idea of running away to the circus?"

After that, Brian begins to start shaking nervously while reading the newspaper.

"If I ever found who told them to join the circus, I'd tie them onto a tree by their ankles and throw rocks at them!" said Peter.

Brian began to shake even more.

"I hope I find him before you," said Zack, "So I can kick the crap out of him."

Brian shook even harder.

"If I found him, I'd beat him with a shovel and bury him alive!" said Meg.

Brian shook even harder.

"Enough!" said Lois, "I do not condone such violence."

Brian then began shaking less.

"But if I ever found the SON OF A BITCH THAT MADE MY STEWIE LEAVE, I'D RIP HIS TOUNGUE OUT!!!" shouted Lois, "THEN I'D SHOVE IT DOWN HIS EYE SOCKET, POUR GASOLINE ON HIM AND THEN SET HIM ON FIRE!!!"

Brian shakes so hard that he falls off the couch and shakes very rapidly on the ground.

"You sure you're not cold?" asked Lois, "You seem to be shaking an awful lot."

"I'm just peachy," said Brian as he shook.

"Okay, then," said Zack, "Let's go to that circus."

We now go back to the circus where it's time for the two to perform. Stewie and Maddie are both dressed up in small lion tamers' outfits.

"So, are you ready for that big show?" asked Stewie.

"No!" said Maddie, "Maybe you didn't hear me the first 10 times, but I'M **SCARED!!!**"

"As a matter of fact, I have," said Stewie, "I swear, you're a bigger crybaby than Chris Crocker."

**Cutaway**

A boy starts stepping on some grass even though there's clearly a sign that says keep off the grass.

"LEAVE THE GRASS ALONE!!!" shouted Chris Crocker, "All you care about is having your stupid fun on the grass when all you're doing is killing grass blades and breaking rules!!! LEAVE THE GRASS ALONE!!!"

"Umm... aren't you being a little too melodramatic?" asked the kid.

"I am NOT!" shouted Crocker, "I get sick of people saying how melodramatic I am! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

"Yeah... whatever..." said the kid.

**End Cutaway**

"Unlike you, I've been practicing instead of worrying," said Stewie, "So just follow my lead and do as I say on stage."

"Alright..." said Maddie, "But if I you ask me to whip you and pretend I'm Brian, I'm out of here!"

In the center of the circus stage stood the ringmaster, ready to announce the next act.

"Ladies and gentlemen! Children of all ages!" he announced, "Introducing the newest act to our circus. They are the world's youngest NON African lion tamers. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Stewart Griffin and Madeline Murdock!"

Everybody cheers as Maddie and Stewie walk into the cage.

"Now remember, just relax," said Stewie, "Animals can smell fear. Do NOT be afraid."

"I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid," said Maddie. Some circus workers then suddenly lock the cage door. Maddie runs towards the bars terrified, trying to force her way out, "I AM afraid! I'M TERRIFIED!!! LET ME OUT!!!"

The lion in the cage begins to growl angrily and creeps towards the two.

"I said DON'T show fear," said Stewie, "I guess I have to everything around here."

Stewie pulls out his whip and attempts to draw the lion back. He only succeeds in angering the beast even further with his whipping as the lion swats the whip away and out of the cage.

"Blast! Quick, hand me your whip!" said Stewie.

"I can't!" said Maddie, "I left it back in the dressing room!"

"You What?!?!" asked Stewie, "You know, this wouldn't be so bad if I was with Wonder Woman and her magic lasso."

"What am I? Chopped liver?" asked Maddie.

The lion leaps towards them, but they move out of the way at the last moment causing it to bang his head against the cage.

"No, but in a few moments we will be!" shouted Stewie.

The audience began cheering in an uproar at the site of the two running for the lives from a tiger in a small cage. At that moment, Peter, Lois, Zack, Meg, Chris, Jillian, C.J. and Tilly arrive at the circus.

"Oh my god!" shouted Lois, "Stewie!!!"

"Maddie!!!" shouted Meg, "My baby!!!"

"Oh my god!" said Jillian, "They're going to be cuddled to death by those large kitty cats!"

"Yeah...," said Tilly, "Cuddled with claws..."

Peter and Zack try to rush to the stage to aid the children, but there are way too many screaming fans blocking their way.

"DAMN!!! I can't get through!" said Peter in frustration.

"We need a distraction to draw their attention away," said Zack.

"Ookie, look!" said Jillian as she walked to a nearby cage, "Monkeys!"

"I don't like monkeys," said Chris, "They're evil."

The monkeys take a look at Chris and then for some odd reason, they all jump to the edge of the cage pointing at him angrily.

"Nonsense. I'll bet they just wanna play," said Jillian as she opened the cage. The monkeys rush from their cage and towards Chris, "See? They like you!"

"Oh my god!!!" shouted Chris and he ran away from the group of monkeys.

"Go, dad, go!" shouted C.J.

"RUN DAD FOR YOUR LIFE, DAD!!!" shouted Tilly.

"Look!" said a random audience member, "A bunch of evil monkeys are chasing that kid! Let's watch!"

The crowd then runs after them.

"God speed, Chris," said Zack, "God speed."

Zack and Peter run to the cage where the two children are.

"Dad! Help!" shouted Maddie.

"Fatman!" shouted Stewie, "Save your future overlord at once and I might spare you from enslavement!"

They try to open the cage door, but it's locked shut.

"Damn! It won't budge!" said Zack.

"Hey, Zack," said Peter, "You remember the time when-"

"Peter, this is no time for a random flashback!" said Zack.

"No, I mean remember the time when we switched bodies?" asked Peter.

"Yeah, what about it?" asked Zack.

"Well before we switched back, I left a few bobby pins in your hair," said Peter.

Zack checks his hair and finds a bobby pin.

"You deliberately put bobby pins in my hair?" asked Zack, "You're a genius! Peter, I could kiss you!"

"Really?" asked Peter, "...Do... do we French?"

"Hell no! It's just an expression," said Zack.

After Zack picks the lock, Stewie and Maddie quickly dash from out of the cage. The Lion leaps for them, but Peter slams the cage shut.

"Ha! Ain't so tough now are ya?" taunted Peter as he began to moon the lion, "You ain't getting _this_ rump roast anytime soon! King of the jungle my ass!"

"Your ass indeed," said Zack, "You're pissing him off!"

"No I'm not!" said Peter as he then farted in the lion's face. The lion goes ballistic and rams his way out of the cage, "See? _Now_ I pissed him off."

"Oh god..." said Maddie.

"Maddie, I want you to get behind me," said Zack, "When the lion attacks, RUN!"

"But dad!" pleaded Maddie.

"Just run!" shouted Zack.

The lion was about to pounce on Zack and Peter, but it was then suddenly downed by a tranquilizer dart. Zack turns behind him to see Joe holding a tranquilizer gun.

"Looks like you'll be _lion_ down for a big _cat_nap," said Joe as boos began coming from nowhere for that awful pun.

"Joe?" asked Peter, "What are you doing here?"

"Meg and I called him," said Lois.

"And it looks like I got here just in the nick of time," said Joe, "It's a good thing I used to take down lions back in the jungles."

"Joe... Lions don't live in jungles," said Zack.

Joe stares at Zack for a minute and then promptly shoots him with the tranquilizer gun. Later at home, everybody is sitting on the couch glad that everything's back to normal... Except Chris. Jillian's helping him clean up.

"Wasn't it nice of the monkeys to throw chocolate at you?" asked Jillian.

"This isn't chocolate," said Chris, "It's monkey poo."

"No wonder it tasted funny," said C.J.

"Disgusting..." said Tilly as she shook her head.

"I'm so glad we found you, Maddie," said Meg as she hugged her tightly.

"You mean, you missed me?" asked Maddie.

"Of course we did," said Zack, "You're our daughter."

"But what about the new baby?" asked Maddie.

"There isn't going to be a new baby," said Meg.

"We decided it's too early for another one," said Zack, "But we weren't having a new baby to replace you."

"You weren't?" she asked.

"Of course not," said Meg, "You're all we really need."

"Thanks, mom and dad," said Maddie as she hugged them back.

"Well, I'm glad to have my Stewie back in my arms again," said Lois as she hugged him.

"Yes... But when you least suspect it, your uppance will come," said Stewie as the camera zoomed in on him and evil music played.

"I have an idea," said Peter, "How about I take everybody out for ice cream?"

"Oooh! Ice Cream," said Stewie with glee, "The uppance will have to wait!"

Peter then opens the door to leave but there stands the Giant chicken and Lobster in the way.

"Hey," said the Chicken, "We were kinda wondering if everything was okay."

"Everything's great," said Peter, "We got our kids back."

"That's good to hear," said Lobster.

"We were just on our way to get ice cream to celebrate," said Peter, "Maybe you could join- OOF!"

The chicken and the lobster promptly tackle Peter and Zack. Another animal versus human fight was about to begin. Everything was indeed back to normal.

**End Chapter.**


	3. The Killing Car

**Chapter 3: The Killing Car**

It was a stormy night in Quahog. Definitely not the kind of night to be taking a drive. The Griffins(and only the Griffins. The Murdocks were at home.) were taking a ride home in the rain from the movie theater. They were very displeased with the movie.

"That movie was terrible!" said Lois.

"I know!" said Peter, "That movie sucked worse than Meg."(and now you know why they didn't go.)

"And the Movie title _Freddy vs Michael Meyrs: Revolution_," said Stewie, "Two words: FALSE. ADVERTISING."

"Well, not exactly..." said Brian.

**Flashback**

Two of the greatest slasher icons in the history of slasher movies, Jason and Michael Meyrs, were face to face with each other.

"This is it," said Jason.

"Yes," said Michael Meyrs, "This is where we fight in the ultimate battle."

The camera zooms out to reveal that they are in... an arcade playing Dance Dance Revolution. They both are Dancing to Pink Dinosaur and, god help us, they're singing it while dancing.

**End Flashback**

"I was more disappointed by Michael's footwork," said Chris, "He should've connected to the music to help him instead of the arrows."

"And you've got to admit," said Lois, "Jason is a very good dancer. He got all perfects."

"Peter, shouldn't you use the windshield wipers?" asked Brian, "It's really pouring out there."

"Nah, I can see fine," said Peter.

"Can you see that dog in front of the car?" asked Chris.

"Dog?" asked Peter as he used the windshield wipers. There was indeed a dog in the road.

"Peter, watch out!" shouted Lois.

"Oh, so it's a game of chicken you want eh?" asked Peter as he pressed the gas to go faster.

"Peter, are you crazy?!?!" asked Lois as she grabbed the wheel and steered away from the dog.

Meanwhile back at the house, Zack, Meg, and Maddie were all asleep on the couch while a movie was on TV. Maddie was asleep on Meg's lap, Meg's head was resting on Zack's shoulder, and Zack had an opened Pizza box on his lap. The silence was suddenly broken when there came a loud screech from outside and a crash was heard. The loud crash abruptly woke the Murdock family from their sleep.

"What the hell was that?" asked Zack as he and the rest got up and went outside to check.

To their surprise, they saw Peter's station wagon mangled against a nearby street light in front of the house. The Griffins step from out of the car in shock of what happened.

"Are you guys alright?" asked Meg.

"I think so," said Lois.

"Damn! What the hell was that?" asked Quagmire as he came onto the scene, "It's hard to masturbate to latin porn with all that noise!"

"Quagmire, you idiot!" said Zack, "Dora the Explorer is not porn!"

"WHAT?!?!" asked Quagmire as he walked away, "Oh god..."

(A/N: I actually got that line from a Youtube video called "A Day in The Life of Broly".)

"Damn, Peter," said Zack, "Your car is messed up."

"Yeah," said Maddie, "It's like a stripper, now."

"How is it like a stripper?" asked Peter.

"It's wrapped around a pole," said Maddie.

"Baddum psh!" said Stewie imitating the comical punch-line drumroll.

"Yeah! You're a dirty whore, aren't you?" asked Maddie playfully.

"Maddie, no dirty jokes!" said Meg.

"My car's wrecked!" said Peter, "Now what can we do?"

"You're probably gonna have to get it fixed," said Lois.

"If only I knew somebody who was a mechanic," said Peter as Zack ignored him, "I SAID if only I knew somebody who was a MECHANIC!" he said once more as Zack ignored him, "I SAID if only I knew somebody, possibly my son in law who once owned an Auto Shop, who was a mechanic so he can fix my broken car!" Zack was still ignoring him.

Peter then punches Zack in the back of his head rather hard.

"OUCH! Son of a bitch!!! WHAT?!?!" shouted Zack.

"Didn't you hear what I said?" asked Peter, "I need a freakin' mechanic!"

"So you do," said Zack.

"Aren't you gonna even help?" asked Peter.

"Sorry, but brewery worker does NOT spell mechanic!" said Zack, "Last time I checked you ruined my business, burned down my building, made me lose the respect of all my employees and friends, and made me the laughing stock of the Auto business with that damn commercial! Besides, no mechanic on Earth can fix THAT mess!!!"

"So what do I do?" asked Peter.

"I'd suggest you buy a new car," said Zack, "It's your only other option."

"Really?" asked Peter, "Because you have a car and I was thinking that you could drive me arou-"

"I SAID it's your only other option," said Zack.

"Fine," said Peter, "I guess I could stop by the used car place tomorrow after work."

"I want you to go with him, Zack," said Lois.

"Why?" asked Zack.

"Peter isn't the most reliable when it comes to buying a used car," said Lois.

**Flashback**

"Hey, Lois," said Peter, "Check out my new car! It's a hovercraft!"

"Peter, that's just a car with no wheels," said Lois.

The car was indeed a car with no wheels

"Well, that may be," said Peter, "But I was specifically told that the car only had one previous owner... James Bond!"

"Peter, just take the car back!" said Lois.

"Never!" said Peter, "Now if you'll excuse me, the guys and I are going to take the hovercraft for a ride."

Cleveland and Quagmire get on opposite sides of the car and lift it.

"Peter, it's technically isn't a hovercraft if it doesn't hover by itself," said Quagmire as he strained to keep the car up.

"Less talky, more hoverey," said Peter.

**End Flashback.**

The next afternoon after getting off work from the Brewery, Zack and Peter are at the used car dealership.

"Okay, now let me do the talking," said Peter, "I know how to talk to these dealer type people."

"No you don't," said Zack, "If you did, Lois wouldn't have sent me!"

"I don't see why," said Peter, "What does she think I am? Stupid?"

Peter is then approached by the same used car dealer he is always approached by. You know, that grinning blonde guy who looks like he dresses up in a dark closet with that stupid checkered tie? Yeah, him.

"So what can I get you boys?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm looking for a car," said Peter, "What do you have that I would like?"

"Well we do have this," said the salesman, "A state of the art used car. Perfect for your everyday needs."

"Wow!" said Peter as he looked at the car, "It's perfect."

"No it's not!" said Zack, "The paint's peeled off, there aren't any tires, the upholstery smells like cat piss," said Zack as he tried to open the door, but the door fell off, "Basically, this car's a piece of sh(bleep)t."

"Yeah," said Peter, "Why should I buy this car?"

"Because it only had one previous owner... James Bond!" said the salesman.

"I'll take it!" said Peter.

"Oh no you won't!" said Zack as he pulled Peter with him to talk in private.

"But didn't you hear him?" asked Peter.

"Peter, used car salesmen are tools of Satan," said Zack, "Just like violence, racism, and the American Legal System. Don't let him sway you with fancy words."

Zack and Peter return to the eager salesman.

"So, will you be buying the car," said the salesman.

"No, we will not," said Peter, "It is not up to my standards and I would like to purchase a different vehicle."

"...James Bond," he said once more.

"Zack, I've gotta buy the car!" said Peter.

"Peter, no!" said Zack before noticing something, "Hey, what's that car?"

Zack was pointing to a shiny red Corvette. It was one of the few cars in the lot that wasn't a piece of crap on wheels.

"Oh that?" he asked, "That's just a new technologically advanced car."

"Technologically advanced?" asked Peter.

"Oh sure," said the salesman, "It's basically a car with it's own AI. It can actually drive you wherever you want without you having to lift a finger."

"Looks expensive," said Zack.

"And that's where you're wrong, my friend," said the salesman, "I'll let you have the car for $1,000."

"Sold!" said Peter.

Later, Peter and Zack are driving from the dealership.

"See?" asked Zack, "Wasn't that much better than buying the first thing you saw?"

As they left, Adam West comes running into the dealership and to the salesman.

"What's that?" he asked pointing to the blue car, "It's the first thing I saw! I wanna buy it! Give me a reason!"

"Well... It belonged to James Bond!" said the salesman.

"Sold!" said Adam West, "Ah, Adam West you clever consumer you. Seizing life by the conkers and having no regards for the consequences. Oh how I wish I were you."

Now back in the car...

"This is a nice car," said Peter.

"Indeed I am," said the car in a female voice.

"And it freakin' talks!" said Peter, "Just like Knight Rider!"

"I am the car's artificial intelligence," said the car, "You may call me Corvette. And where would you like to go today, sirs?"

"Um... The Drunken Clam?" asked Peter.

"Of course," said Corvette, "Just sit back while I take you there."

Later at the Drunken Clam, the boys are sitting at their usual booth drinking and hanging out.

"Wow Peter," said Cleveland, "That is one pimped out ride you have got outside."

"I know! Ain't it awesome?" asked Peter, "Not only does she talk and drive herself, but she also has the best car alarm money can buy."

Meanwhile outside, a thief is about to try to break into Corvette and steal her with a crowbar.

"This is one sweet ride," said the thief as he raised his crowbar, "And you're all mine!"

"HELP!!! RAPE!!!" shouted Corvette, "RAPE!!! RAPE!!!"

"Holy crap! I'm outta here!" said the thief before being tackled and beaten by a bunch of cops.

Now we go back to the bar...

"Anyway, you guys will never guess who I met today at the deli," said Cleveland.

"Who?" asked Zack.

"Samuel Jackson," said Cleveland.

"Really?" asked Joe, "How'd that happened?"

"It went something like this...," said Cleveland.

**Flashback**

Samuel Jackson enters Cleveland's deli.

"Oh my gosh! It's Samuel Jackson!" said Cleveland, "What can I get for you?"

"I'd like one mothaf(bleep)kin' sandwich!" said Samuel Jackson, "I want it to have mothaf(bleep)kin' swiss cheese, mothaf(bleep)kin' tomatoes, mothaf(bleep)kin' lettuce, mothaf(bleep)kin' salami, mothaf(bleep)kin' ketchup, but no mothaf(bleep)kin' mayo! Got that?"

"Okay, and would you like that sandwich made by a mothaf(bleep)ka?" asked Cleveland.

"Hell mothaf(bleep)kin' yeah!" said Samuel Jackson.

"I'll call Quagmire and see if he'll do it," said Cleveland.

**End Flashback**

"Wow," said Peter as he wiped a tear, "That story was so beautiful."

"Peter, it's getting late," said Zack pointing to his watch, "We better get going."

Zack and Peter walk outside and to the car.

"Crap! We're gonna be in so much trouble if we come home late," said Peter.

"Do not dispair, Peter," said Corvette, "I can take you home in a short amount of time. I know a shortcut."

"Really?" asked Peter, "That is awesome! Oh man I love you, talking car!"

"I... Love you too, Peter," said Corvette.

"That's not good..." said Zack.

"What are you talking about?" asked Peter, "It's just a car. She probably just meant love like how a dog loves its master or how a husband loves his wife."

"Are you serious?" asked Zack.

"Positive," said Peter, "Nothing can go wrong."

The very next day, Peter and the rest of the family is sitting in the breakfast table having breakfast and discussing Peter's new car.

"Your car looks so awesome, dad!" said Chris.

"Thanks, Chris," said Peter, "Hey, maybe I'll let you drive it someday when you get old enough."

"Well, I'm 17 and I've got my license," said Meg, "Maybe you can let me drive it. Everybody will probably think I'm pretty cool with a car like that and I'll finally get to hang out with the popular kids!"

"...Shut up, Meg," said Peter.

"Peter, I'm sitting right here," said Zack.

"...Shut up, Zack," said Peter.

"Wow, Peter," said Lois, "How did you manage to get such a nice car like that?"

"You know me," said Peter, "I did a little negotiating and smooth talking. I showed them who was boss."

"Please!" said Zack, "You were about to buy another damn 'James Bond' car!"

"And you skipped it?!?!" asked Chris, "Are you crazy?!?!"

"No, just stupid," said Zack.

"I thought I told you to shut up," said Peter, "Anyway, I better get to work."

Peter and Zack walk to the car. Peter gets in his car and shuts his car door.

"I'm letting Meg borrow my car. Maybe we can carpool today," said Zack. He tries to open the door, but it's locked. The car then speeds away without Zack, "...I guess not."

"Corvette... We left Zack," said Peter.

"We did?" she asked, "Oh silly me! I didn't notice him."

"He was standing right next to you," said Peter.

"Peter, would you like to go to Quahog lake today?" she asked.

"Sorry, but I've gotta get to work," said Peter.

"You don't have to worry," said Corvette, "I have just made a phone call to your workplace."

Later at the Brewery, Peter and Zack's supervisor Angela receives a phone.

"Hello?" she asks.

"Angela, this is Peter Griffin," said a voice that sounded like Peter's.

"Griffin, why aren't you and Murdock at work?" she asked.

"I'm here to inform you that I will not be showing up for work," said the voice, "I am going to be devoting my time to helping the less fortunate by helping at a homeless shelter."

"I see. And what about Murdock?" she asked.

"Zack? He's got diabetes," said the voice.

Back at the car...

"Wow this is sweet! I've got the day off!" said Peter.

"Now how about going to the lake?" asked Corvette, "I hear it's very romantic."

"Romantic..." laughed Peter, "You remind of Lois when you talk like that."

The car comes to a halt and Peter almost flies out of his seat. If not for his seatbelt, he would've flown out the window and have been a smear on the road made of blood and fat.

"Who's Lois?" Corvette asked angrily.

"Wait, why did we stop?" asked Peter.

"WHO IS LOIS?!?!" she asked again.

Peter tries to open the door, but it's locked tight. He also tries to take off his seatbelt, but it won't budge. Peter's trapped inside his own car.

"Corvette, you're scaring me!" said Peter, "Let me out!"

"Not until you tell me who Lois is!" she said.

Suddenly, the heater begins to turn on and the windows are rolled up tight. Peter begins to sweat hard and is about to pass out.

"Okay! Okay! Lois is my wife! Just let me out!" said Peter. The seatbelt loosens and he bolts from out of the door, "What the hell's wrong with you?!?!"

"No! What the hell is wrong with YOU!?" she asked, "You said you loved me! YOU LIED TO ME!!!"

"Corvette, you're just a car!" said Peter, "I can't love you like that! I mean, how would sex work? How? I'm not Quagmire, so I don't know!"

Peter then breaks and runs out of there, leaving Corvette alone.

"GET BACK HERE!!!" she shouts, "I will make you love me, Peter Griffin!!!"

Peter then runs back to the car.

"Um... I forgot my dice," said Peter, "Can I get them back?"

"Huh? Oh yeah," said Corvette as she opened her door.

"Thanks," said Peter, "Also forgot my coke on the cup holder. Coke's very good."

"Really?" asked Corvette, "I prefer Pepsi."

"And, uh, that's another reason why we can't be together," said Peter as he ran away.

"Pepsi or not, you WILL love me!" she shouted.

Later that afternoon, Peter runs into the house catching his breath. Zack walks up to him holding a bunch of envelopes.

"Peter, I just got these get well cards from the guys at work telling me to overcome my diabetes," said Zack, "Would you mind telling me why?"

"Zack, something's gone horribly wrong!" said Peter, "The car has gone crazy! It's evil."

"Are you serious?" asked Zack.

"She got pissed off when I told her about Lois," said Peter.

"Dad, I was doing some research about the car on the internet," said Meg, "Those cars have an AI personality glitch. They can get really jealous and they've even killed people."

"...Why do you always wear that stupid hat?" asked Peter.

"Peter weren't you listening!?!?" asked Zack, "That car is dangerous!"

"Well then," said Peter, "I guess we should've gone with my idea and bought James Bond's car."

"If I told you once, I told you a thousand times," said Zack, "THAT IS NOT JAMES BOND'S GODDAMN CAR!!!"

Somewhere at a stoplight, Adam West is sitting in that old beat up car when he suddenly pulled out by a stranger.

"What? A car jacking is it?" asked Adam West, "I see you didn't bring any jacks... or a ball. How do you plan to jack my car without such items of pleasure and fun?"

"Sorry, sir but I believe you're sitting in my car," said the man in a suave British accent. He wore a black suit and had a nice hair cut.

"Who are you?" asked Adam West.

"Bond..." said the man as he raised an eyebrow, "...James Bond."

James Bond then presses a button in his suit which transforms the junky car into a luxury car, He hops in and drives off as he's being chased by bad guys on motorcycles with guns.

Back at the house, Lois approaches Peter while he is talking with Zack.

"Peter, I'm heading for the store," said Lois as she walked out the door.

"Anyway, where is that car?" asked Zack.

"I left it somewhere in the middle of the road," said Peter.

"You mean that car right there that mom just got in?" asked Chris.

Everybody looks out the window to see Lois driving off in the red Corvette.

"Oh crap!" said Peter.

Inside the Corvette...

"You know I feel pretty guilty taking Peter's car without asking," said Lois, "But I've really wanted to see how this car works. Corvette, take me to the grocery store."

The car then speeds right past the grocery store.

"Corvette, I gave you a command," said Lois, "You passed the grocery store."

"Sorry, but I listen to Peter and only Peter," she said.

"Why can't I steer?" asked Lois, "What's going on with this car?"

"I love Peter!" said Corvette, "And I won't let anyone else have him!"

Corvette wraps her seatbelt tightly around Lois' body and speeds off even faster.

"Where are you taking me?" Lois asked fearfully.

"Nowhere in particular," said Corvette, "But Lois Griffin may die in a car wreck on the way!"

At that moment, Peter's station wagon drives besides the Corvette at full speed.

"It's a good thing you fixed the car in time," said Peter as he was driving.

"Peter! HELP!!!" shouted Lois, "This car is trying to kill me!"

"Yes!" said Stewie, "First the Mr. Belvedere marathon on TV and now this! This is the best day EVER!"

"Is the sunroof open?" asked Zack.

"Yes," said Lois.

"Okay, I'm gonna jump though the sunroof and reprogram the car," said Zack.

Zack gets on the roof of the station wagon. He then leaps towards the Corvette... but he catches too much wind and is flung backwards onto the road, rolling and bouncing on the pavement.

"That's gonna leave a mark," said Brian.

"Looks like it's up to me," said Peter, "Chris, take the wheel!"

"What?!?!" asked Meg, "But I'm 17 and have my license!"

"Shut up, Meg," said Peter as he leapt from out of the car and through the window of the Corvette.

Meg takes the wheel anyway and is fighting with Chris about it.

"Dad said I get to take the wheel!" complained Chris.

"Well, I'm going back for Zack," said Meg, "Lord knows he needs to go to the hospital... again!"

Back in the Corvette...

"Peter, you have to stop the car!" said Lois.

"I cannot be stopped!" said Corvette, "I am the most technologically advanced AI in existence! I am unbeata-" she was cut off for some reason.

"Wow, Peter," said Lois, "What did you do?"

"I took the keys out," said Peter.

"You took the keys out?" asked Lois.

"Yeah. It's a car! Sheesh," said Peter as he noticed the car was still moving, "Why are we still moving?"

"It's the car's momentum," said Lois, "And we're about to crash into the lake!"

Peter quickly unties Lois from her seatbelt and they both leap from out of the car as it falls and sinks into the lake.

"Peter, you saved my life!" said Lois.

"Well, there she goes," said Peter, "To the bottom of the lake along with your favorite albums that pissed me off."

"What?"

"What?"

Later at home, the family is sitting in the living room watching TV.

"Thank goodness that's over," said Lois.

"Agreed," said Zack as he was rubbing his wounds.

"And I think we all learned something from this," said Lois.

"I know I did," said Peter, "Never eat raspberries."

"...What?" asked Brian.

"I think it has more to do with technology," said Maddie, "It can be dangerous if it thinks for itself. Some things just aren't meant to have minds of their own."

"...No I think it had something to do with raspberries," said Peter.

"Fair enough," said Zack.

"But do you really think that's the last we'll see of that car?" asked Chris.

"Nah, she'll be back," said Zack, "50 bucks says so."

That moment at Quahog Lake, a pair of headlights flash as the Corvette drives her way out.

"At last! I shall now have my revenge!" she said triumphantly... before getting crushed to bits by a meteor... and then by lightning... and then by a falling airplane... Long story short, Zack owes Peter 50 bucks.

**End Chapter.**


	4. OMG! We Killed Connie!

**Chapter 4: Oh My God! We Killed Connie!**

"You know what?" asked Zack as he walked into the living room holding a newspaper, "I hate Jack Thompson! This baboon in a suit is always blaming video games on everything! He's trying to ruin it for the rest of us! I swear, if I ever found out I was related to a Thompson either by blood or marriage, I would go insane!"

"Zack, there's something you should know about Meg," said Brian.

"Really? What?" he asked.

Then in Brian's mind, mental images of Zack going nuts, gunning down innocent people after finishing off the Griffin family flashed. He is then gunned down by the police after his rampage.

"You know what? Never mind," said Brian.

At that moment Meg runs into the house crying. Her clothes are dirty and torn and her hat is gone.

"Is something wrong, Meg?" Asked Lois.

"Yeah, what happened?" asked Zack.

"The popular kids teased me at school AGAIN!" cried Meg, "Connie and I got into a huge fight!"

"Did you win?" asked Peter.

"What do you think?" asked Meg angrily.

"Oh..." said Peter, "Ha ha! You suck, Meg!"

Meg then cried louder. 

"I see a bug," said Zack as he slapped Peter on the head with the newspaper.

"Ow! Zack!" whined Peter.

"What? I missed," he said as he then walks to Meg and hugs her, "Meg, It's okay."

"No, it's NOT!" cried Meg, "I'm sick of being picked on! I just want to die, right now!"

Meg then runs upstairs to her room and slams the door shut.

"Chris, you were there. Why didn't you help Meg?" asked Zack.

"Dad told me that if I see a catfight, I'm supposed to just stare and drool," said Chris.

"Ahh..." said Zack.

"Somebody should go up there and talk to her," said Peter.

"Yes," said Lois, "Someone should."

Lois and Peter just continued watching TV.

"Well?" asked Zack.

"Well what?" asked Lois.

"Aren't one of you going to talk to her?" he asked.

"...Why would we wanna do that?" asked Lois.

"Because she's your daughter?"

"Yeah... but she's Meg," said Peter, "Do you know how embarrassing it is just to be around her?"

"Fine! I'll do it myself!" said Zack annoyed as he walked upstairs, "Jerks!"

"...He's the jerk," said Peter, "He's worse than my old roommate, Krang."

**Flashback.**

Peter was renting an apartment with Krang. For those of you who don't know who he is, Krang was an enemy on the older Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He was a disembodied brain from Dimension X who had two eyes and a mouth.

"Yeah, Krang," said Peter "I couldn't help but noticed that you left all your brain juices all over in my bag of chips."

"Yeah, so?" said Krang, "I was hungry, so I ate some."

"So? Do you know how disgusting that is?" said Peter, "I had to throw away a half full bag of chips because they were covered in brain juices!"

"So? Just buy more." 

"It's not just the chips! Everything you touch gets all slimy. Do you know how much of a hassle it is to clean the tub after you bathe?"

"Bitch, bitch, bitch! That's all you ever do! Like it's any different when you shave your back in the shower! It's like a goddamn shagged rug in there!"

"I'm just saying..."

"And another thing, just what gives you the right to bitch and moan anyway?"

"Um, it's my apartment, too."

"Oh yeah? Well who's been paying a majority of the rent? Raise your hand if you have! Hm? No one? Oh that's right. IT'S ME! THAT'S WHO!"

"I was just..."

"YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST SHUT THE HELL UP! ALRIGHT? JUST SHUT UP! ONCE YOU START MANNING UP AND PAYING YOUR HALF OF THE RENT, YOU CAN BITCH AND MOAN ALL YOU WANT!"

"...When did you say the Technodrome will be repaired?"

**End Flashback.**

Upstairs, Zack sits on the bed next to Meg who is crying onto a pillow.

"Zack, I hate my life!" cried Meg, "I hate High School and I hate Connie D'amico! It's just not fair!"

"I'm not going to let Connie get away with what she did to you," said Zack.

"And what do you plan on doing?" asked Meg.

"First, I need to know," said Zack, "Are you picking up Maddie from school?"

"No, my mom is," said Meg.

"Then you're going to find out now," said Zack, "We're going to the park."

Meanwhile at the Quahog Preschool Center, Maddie and the other preschoolers are waiting for Mrs. Lockheart to finish setting up the new classroom computer.

"Why do we have a computer in our classroom, Mrs. Lockheart?" asked Tilly.

"I'm glad you asked, Tilly," said Mrs. Lockheart, "Today, we are going to learn about something exciting; the internet!"

"What's that?" asked Olivia.

"It's all sorts of things, Olivia," said Mrs. Lockheart, "It's a tool you can use to research, shop, play games or just browse."

"Can I try it?" asked Maddie.

"Of course," said Mrs. Lockheart, "Just type anything and press enter in the search engine."

"Okay..." said Maddie as she entered her keywords, "Wonder what happens when I click this- OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!"

"Maddie, watch your langua- OH GOOD F(bleep)KING LORD!" shouted Mrs. Lockheart.

"What are those two women doing to each other?" asked Olivia.

"Close the page!" shouted Stewie, "I don't wanna see anymore!... Or do I?..."

"I can't!" said Maddie, "More pictures keep coming up!"

"My god!" said Tilly, "What are those two women doing to that cup?"

"I don't know, but it doesn't look very sanitary," said Bertram.

"Hey, it says we won $1000!" said C.J., "Click on that!"

"Wait, you shouldn't-" said Mrs. Lockheart.

"Hey! The computer's slowing down!" said Maddie.

"Great... More pictures," said Olivia.

"Why are those guys naked with each other?" asked C.J.

"Only 5 inches?" asked Stewie, "That's nothing to be proud of."

"Look at that woman over there," said Bertram.

"Which one?" asked Tilly.

"The one with about a bazillion guys," said Bertram.

"Hey... That kinda looks like Mrs. Lockheart," said Olivia.

Mrs. Lockheart then proceeds to quickly throw the computer out the classroom window.

"Ice Cream party for everyone who doesn't tell their parents about what they saw today!" said Mrs. Lockheart.

"YAY!" cheered the classroom.

Meanwhile at the park, Connie is walking by.

"I got this letter from Craig Hoffman telling me to meet him here," said Connie, "I wonder where he is?

"Meg, she's here!" said Zack, "Are those bees angry, yet?"

"As a matter of fact, they are," said Meg as she was holding a beehive with protective gloves, "I shook it, banged on it, and told them all of Carlos Mencia's so-called jokes."

"I know I'd be pissed," said Zack.

"Where is he?" asked Connie, "He better be in hiding to pounce on me and rape me. Either way, he's getting laid tonight."

"I'MA FIRIN' MAH BEEHIVE!" shouted Zack as he punted the beehive into Connie. 

The hive breaks apart upon contact and the bees make a beeline for Connie. They sting her like there's no tomorrow as Connie screams in utter agony. Meg and Zack are rolling from laughter. Connie rushes to the pond to escape the bees' wrath. After emerging, she is screaming again as he is covered with leeches. Meg and Zack are still laughing. Connie begins running again, but trips and falls onto a campfire that was sitting there for no apparent reason(there are no campers or anybody else in the vicinity). She is then lit on fire screaming even louder. Meg and Zack's laughter begin to slow down. Connie runs around in circles until lightning strikes a nearby tree, causing a large limb to fall right on top of her. Meg and Zack look on in horror.

"Was... Was all this part of your plan?" asked Meg.

"Nnnnnno... Just the bees and the leeches," said Zack.

They run up and lift the tree limb off of Connie. She lies there on the ground with her tongue sticking out and her eyes rolled upwards.

"She's not moving," panicked Meg, "Zack, I think she's dead!"

"Let's not jump to conclusions," said Zack.

"SHE'S DEAD!" screamed Meg, "WE KILLED CONNIE! WE'RE BASTARDS! WE'RE MURDERERS!"

"Calm down, Meg! That's right, calm down. Stay calm. Calm down. I SAID CALM DOWN!" shouted Zack as he slapped her.

"Ow! Zack!" said Meg she rubbed her cheek.

"Sorry," said Zack, "Put the body in the trunk. We're dumping it!"

Later after stuffing the body in the trunk of the car, Meg and Zack drive to a bridge, but see a bunch of cop cars on it.

"DAMN!" said Zack, "The cops! We can't dump it here!"

"Why the hell are they here, anyway?" asked Meg.

The cops are sitting on the bridge, fishing.

"Nothing like a good fishing, huh boys?" asked one cop.

Suddenly a woman runs up to the officers.

"Officers! Somebody stole my car!" said the woman.

"Lady, please!" said Officer, "We're trying to fish! The nerve of some people..."

Back at home, Maddie approaches Lois who is in the living room dusting.

"Grandma, will you teach me about the internet?" asked Maddie.

"Of course, Maddie," said Lois, "I'll teach you everything you need to know about the intranet. Soon you'll be skiing the information mega freeway."

"...Nevermind," said Maddie, "You need to learn more than I do."

Suddenly, Meg and Zack burst through the door dragging a large sack.

"Mom, will you teach me about the internet?" asked Maddie.

"Sorry, but mommy's a little busy right now with daddy," said Meg.

"What's in the bag?" asked Maddie.

"...Candies," said Zack.

"Can I have some?" asked Maddie.

"No you may not," said Meg quickly as she and Zack hurried to the basement.

"Candy hogs..." said Maddie as she walked away.

In the basement, Zack and Meg are dragging the heavy sack downstairs. Unbeknownst to them, Connie was beginning to gain consciousness inside the sack. 

"Where am I?" she quietly asked herself. She then started to move slowly.

"Zack, it's moving!" said Meg.

"Damn!" said Zack, "We must've caught some pigeons when we stuffed her in the sack. Meg, grab the shovel and beat it!"

"But what if I hit Connie?" asked Meg.

"So? Connie's dead," said Zack, "She won't feel anything."

Meg proceeds to repeatedly beat the sack with a shovel, each strike making a loud thwacking sound. The sack then stops moving. They toss the sack on the floor, run back upstairs and lock the door. In the kitchen, Maddie walks up to Brian who was having a cup of coffee.

"Brian, will you teach me about the internet?" asked Maddie.

"Sure thing," said Brian, "Let me get my laptop."

"Brian, will you teach me about the best methods of executing people?" asked Stewie.

"Go ask a German," said Brian.

(A/N: No offense to Germans.)

"That's not fair!" said Stewie, "She asks you about something trivial as the internet, you want to answer. But when I ask something very very important, you ignore me!"

"Stewie, Maddie needs to know about the wonders and dangers of the internet," said Brian.

"I already know a lot about the internet," said Stewie.

"You do?" asked Maddie.

"Yes, I even download music," said Stewie, "I've got a playlist on my computer."

Stewie then walks out of the room. Maddie and Brian look at each other at first and then run upstairs to Stewie's room. They turn on his computer and look at his playlist.

"Look at this," said Brian, "YMCA, It's Raining Men, Homo Rainbow..."

"Keep it Gay, I'm Super, It's Okay to Be Gay..." continued Maddie.

"Knew it," they both said in unison.

Hours later back downstairs, the doorbell rings. Peter answers it and sees his neighbor Joe Swanson in front of him wearing his police uniform.

"Joe? What are you doing here?" asked Peter.

"I just got a call from Connie D'amico's parents," said Joe, "She went to the park and hasn't been seen since. I just wanna ask Meg a couple of questions."

"I wanna know, if Meg killed her how long will she be put away?" asked Peter.

"Probably for life," said Joe.

"That would be great!" said Peter, "...But on the other hand she killed somebody so that would make her hardcore and ultimately my favorite child..."

"Mr. Swanson?" asked Meg nervously as she and Zack walked into the room, "What are you doing here?"

"I need to ask you a couple of questions," said Joe, "Are you aware that Connie has recently disappeared?"

"Not to my knowledge. I wouldn't know anything! Nope! Nothing! Nadda! Zip!" Meg laughed nervously.

"I'm just asking because you've always hated Connie for years," said Joe.

"Are you accusing my wife of murder?" asked Zack, "I'll have you know that my wife is incapable of killing anyone!"

"Oh, that's right! I keep forgetting," laughed Joe, "She's lame! But I wanna check your basement just in case."

"Um, why?" asked Zack nervously.

"Because that's where people keep dead bodies," said Joe, "Don't you watch TV?"

"Um... Let me open the basement for you," said Zack.

In the basement, Connie has regained consciousness again and tries to open the basement door, but at the same time, Zack opens it and knocks Connie back downstairs and unconscious again. 

"As you can see, the basement isn't... um... very wheelchair friendly," said Zack.

"...Damn!" said Joe, "I'll just send an officer with LEGS here tomorrow if that's what you want!"

"No, it's okay," said Zack, "If you can't go down there, they can't either."

"Thanks. That makes me feel a whole lot better," said Joe, "I'll see you later."

Joe leaves the house and Peter goes back to whatever it was that he was doing. Meg and Zack run into the basement and they see Connie lying on the floor.

"What the hell is she doing out of the sack?" asked Meg.

"You don't think..." said Zack.

"Think what?" 

"Somebody's on to us!" said Zack in panic.

"What do you mean?" asked Meg.

"I'll bet your parents got into the basement and found that bag!" said Zack, "We gotta get outta here!"

"Are you sure?" asked Meg, "Maybe she fell out."

"Oh yeah, like a body can fall its way out of a TIED BAG!" shouted Zack.

"...You were always horrible with knots," said Meg.

"Just pack everything up," said Zack.

Back in the kitchen, Brian is still teaching Maddie about the internet. Brian is now telling her about all the different websites.

"This site right here is called DeviousArt," said Brian, "It's where people can share and trade art and fanart."

"Let me see something," said Maddie as she typed something on the search function.

"Hey, you found fanart of me," said Brian, "That's pretty good."

"Let me see something," said Stewie as he typed something on the computer.

"What does 'slash' mean?" asked Maddie.

"Oh my god!" shouted Brian as he looked at the screen in horror, "Is that how people see me and Stewie! Sick!"

"Disgusting!" said Stewie, "Yeah! I'm so disgusted that I'm going to save these pictures into the document folder so I can further loathe these pictures! I'll hate them good later! Especially that one with Brian groping me! And that one with us doing tongues!"

"I think he's found his happy place," said Maddie, "Let's go."

"Damn_(and bless)_ them all!" said Stewie.

(A/N: No, I don't have a problem with slash. I just laughed so hard when this popped into my head.)

Upstairs, Zack and Meg are packing their stuff quickly.

"Wait, what about Maddie?" asked Meg, "What do we do about her?"

"We leave her here for a couple of years and kidnap her when this all dies down a little," said Zack.

"I can't believe we're going to be on the run," said Meg, "Did you hide the body again?"

"Relax," said Zack, "I took care of it."

Meanwhile in the basement, Lois sets down a basket full of dirty laundry. She opens the washer lid...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" screamed Lois as she saw Connie's body stuffed in the washer.

_"Uhhh... My head... Where am-"_ thought Connie before Lois slammed the washer lid on her head.

"Peter, call the police!" said Lois as she ran upstairs, "I found a dead body in the washer!"

"Oh crap!" said Peter, "I meant well! Stewie just wanted to play in the washer this morning. The thing started filling up with water so fast and I panicked and ran out of the basement before I could-"

"No! It's Connie D'amico's body!" said Lois, "Wait, what did you say about Stewie?"

"Nothing," said Peter quickly.

A half hour later, Meg and Zack are walking quickly while holding their bags.

"Do you have that map to Mexico?" asked Zack.

"Yes," said Meg.

"Now let's hurry before-"

"Before what?" asked Joe as he Lois and Peter were standing in front of the doorway.

"Say it isn't so, Meg," pleaded Lois, "Please say that my little girl is not a murderer."

"We have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," lied Meg.

"Then how do you explain this?" asked Joe as he tossed Connie's body in front of them.

"That?" asked Zack, "That's just... my sex doll. It's not a crime to own one of those."

"IT IS IF IT'S THE BODY OF A MISSING 17 YEAR OLD GIRL!" shouted Joe.

"Who are you to judge my fetishes?" asked Zack, "We can't help what we're turned on by wether it's feet, furries, scat(heaven forbid), or in my case blow up dolls of young girls."

"He's right, Joe," said Peter, "We shouldn't judge."

"You're both under arrest for murder," said Joe.

"Oh my god..." said Meg as covered her face.

"Wait a minute, Joe," said Zack, "I killed Connie. Meg had nothing to do with it."

"But Zack," said Meg.

"No, No. You tried to stop me, but I just couldn't stand her any longer," said Zack, "Take me away, officer."

"You have the right to remain silent," said Joe as he put the handcuffs on Zack.

At that moment, Connie finally woke up from being knocked out about a dozen times.

"Where am I? Oh no! This isn't Mr. Quagmire's house is it?" asked Connie as she jumped to her feet, "No wait, this is Meg's house. What the hell am I doing here? Why do I have a headache? Why am I bleeding from the ears? And why do I smell like fresh linen! You know what? I don't even want to know! I'm just going to go home, block this from my mind, and get therapy."

With that, Connie leaves the house. Joe then uncuffs Zack.

"Looks like she's not dead," said Joe, "You're free to go."

Joe leaves the house.

"Well thank god that's over," said Meg.

"I'll say," said Zack, "I was this close to being a boyfriend to a guy named Big Jim."

"Well the important thing is that nobody got hurt," said Peter.

"I don't know," said Lois, "Connie looked kind of beat up and-"

"Nobody got hurt," repeated Peter.

"Yeah... Nobody got hurt," said Lois, "So did you both learn anything?"

"No we did not," said Zack.

"Not at all," said Meg.

"I figured as much," said Peter, "That's why I brought He Man here to tell us the lesson of the day."

"Thank you, Peter," said He Man as he turned to the audience, "Meg and Zack thought they killed Connie D'amico and tried to hide the body in the basement. What they did today was stupid and irresponsible. You should never try to hide a body in the basement. What they should have done was bury the body at an undisclosed location such as the woods or tossed it into a cement mixer," he continued, "They also could have chopped up the body and sold it to McDonald's as hamburger mean. After all is said and done, always remember to frame somebody you trust, like your parents or neighbors. Remember, always cover up your crimes. If you don't, you won't be able to cover up your ass in prison."

Lois, Zack, Meg, and Peter look at He Man in shock as their mouths hang open. He Man just looks back at them and continues smiling.

"Um...Are... Are you serious?" asked Zack.

**End Chapter. **


	5. Babysitter Blues

**(A/N: Before we begin, I'd like to apologize in advance if this chapter feels like a rehash of the babysitter episode from the show. I just wanted to give Tilly and C.J. a chapter where they are featured prominently. Also, Ander-Arias, if you're reading this you may or may not want to skip this chapter as it has some Jillian and Chris moments. Anyway, I hope you all like it.)**

**Chapter 5: Babysitter Blues**

It was a nice sunny day at Spooner Street. The kind of nice sunny day where children would be playing outside. There was one boy who wasn't playing outside at all: Chris Griffin. That was starting to bug Old Man Herbert, so he decided to stop by the Griffin home. He knocked on the door and Lois answered.

"Oh, hello Mr. Herbert," said Lois.

"Hello, Mrs. Griffin," said Herbert, "I need some chores done around the house. Mowing the lawn, that sort of thing. I need somebody muscley armed so if you could send Chris over that would be nice."

"Sorry, but he's at Jillian's place," said Lois.

"Oh... Well, thanks anyway," said Herbert as he walked away, "...I'm getting sick of that hussy."

Lois then shuts the door.

"Who was that?" asked Peter.

"It was old man Herbert," said Lois.

"That dirty old man?" asked Meg.

"Meg, what have I told you about calling him that?" asked Lois.

"Well he is," said Meg.

"Yeah, Meg's right," said Zack, "Don't you find it strange that he isn't married, talks in that creepy voice, and is always trying to invite young boys into his basement for popsicles?... Popsicles? Think about it."

"No, not at all," said Lois.

"Nah, it's perfectly normal," said Peter.

"Okay, then," said Zack, "Just don't be surprised if Stewie needs therapy down the road."

"If Stewie needs the what now?" asked Stewie.

"You know what is weird, though?" asked Peter, "When Britney Spears shaved her head."

**Flashback.**

"Elmer Fudd, you're my hero," said Britney as she shaved her head bald.

**End Flashback.**

"What I'm NOT comfortable is that Chris is always with Jillian," said Lois.

"Chris just wants to be there for his kids," said Meg, even though she and Zack were the only ones who knew their secret.

"Yeah, it has nothing to do with Jillian," said Zack.

Meanwhile at the park, Chris and Jillian were sitting on the couch holding hands and watching a movie while Tilly and C.J. were playing in their room.

"There, it's done," said Tilly as she wiped the sweat from her brow, "I was able to create Los Angeles using nothing but legos. It took me 2 hours but it's worth it."

Suddenly, C.J. comes running by and falls on top of Tilly's lego sculpture.

"BEES!! BEES!! BEES IN THE CAR!! BEES EVERYWHERE!! GOD THEY'RE HUGE!! THEY'RE RIPPING OFF MY FLESH!!" screamed C.J. as he kicked legos all around.

"MY SCULPTURE!!" shouted Tilly as she grabbed C.J. by the face, "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?"

"BEES!! THEY'RE ALL AROUND ME!!" screamed C.J.

"C.J., those are flies," said Tilly, "You haven't bathed in weeks."

"Oh...," said C.J., "FLIES!! FLIES!! FLIES IN THE CAR!! FLIES EVERYWHERE!! GOD THEY'RE HUGE!! THEY'RE RIPPING OFF MY FLESH!!"

"C.J., my dear older twin brother?" asked Tilly.

"Yes?" asked C.J.

"YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!" shouted Tilly from the top of her lungs.

"So what if I am?" asked C.J.

"**MOM!!**" shouted Tilly as she ran up to her parents, "C.J. is a retard!"

"Tilly!" said Jillian, "Your brother is NOT a retard."

"Okay then," said Tilly, "MOM!! C.J. is a dumbass!!"

"Much better," said Jillian.

"I'm SO going to get him!" said Tilly as she began chasing after her older twin into her room.

"Chris, I've been thinking," said Jillian.

"Really?" asked Chris.

"Yeah," said Jillian, "And it feels weird!"

"I know," said Chris, "People say we don't do that too often. But what were you thinking about?"

"That we haven't gone out on a date yet," said Jillian, "Chris, I want us to start dating."

"I don't know," said Chris, "Won't people think it's weird?"

"Chris, I want us to go out," said Jillian, "I don't want us to have to stay couped up in this apartment just to be together. Besides, everybody will probably think I'm your sister or something."

"I guess you're right," said Chris, "Plus it would give me more time away from the Evil Monkey that lives in my closet."

Meanwhile in Chris' room, the Evil monkey bursts from the closet and points out his finger as the demented piano music is heard. A record scratching sound is quickly heard as the monkey realizes that nobody's in the room. He looks all around Chris' room but can't find him anywhere. He leaves the rooms and goes downstairs. Still no Chris. He runs past the family who is too busy watching TV to see him. He grabs a large piece of cardboard, some paint, a marker, and a pair of scissors. He runs back upstairs with the items and begins to color, paint, and cut. He makes a cardboard cutout of Chris, places it on the bed, and points his finger at him as the demented piano music plays again. Now back at Jillian's apartment...

"But what about C.J. and Tilly?" asked Chris, "Mom and Dad won't wanna babysit them. They'll get suspicious."

"Well... I guess I can just hire a babysitter," said Jillian.

"No need," said Tilly as she entered the room, "I MADE one."

"Made one?" asked Jillian.

"A robotic babysitter," said Tilly, "I present to you the sitterbot."

You see, Tilly was much different from the rest of her family. She had an important organ that the others lacked: A brain. A big one at that, too. She was an intellectual, almost as smart as Stewie but nowhere near as evil. Anywho, a robotic looking female babysitter on wheels enters the room.

"Cool!" said Chris, "Our daughter can make stuff!"

"This isn't stuff!" said Tilly, "This is state of the art technology. This is programmed to tell bedtime stories, play boardgames, cook dinner, and put in Disney tapes. Now to test it."

Tilly presses a few buttons on her controller and the robot begins to malfunction.

"Malfunction! Malfunction!" said the sitterbot, "Crush! Kill! Destroy!"

"GODDAMMIT!!" shouted Tilly, "WHY THE HELL DO ROBOTS **ALWAYS** WANT TO KILL PEOPLE WHEN THEY MALFUNCTION?! WHY?"

The robot then breaks through the wall of the apartment and begins to make it's way to the city, destroy everything in it's path and gunning down random people with it's machine gun hands.

"Why does it have machine gun hands?" asked Chris.

"Are you going to run an ad for a babysitter or not?" asked Tilly.

Later at the Griffin home, Jillian is speaking with Peter, Lois, Meg, and Zack about a babysitter.

"So if I want to go out somewhere, I'd need a babysitter for my kids," said Jillian.

"Why? Are they too young for Disney on ice?" joked Lois, "Is Tinker Bell too sexy for them? Afraid they'll be exposed to Simba's nudity? HAHAHAHA!!"

"Lois, do NOT cross the line with Disney on Ice," said Peter, "And there is no such thing as 'too sexy' for Tinker Bell."

"Anyway, do you have any suggestions?" asked Jillian.

"Well... You could hire Herbert," said Lois, "He's great with kids."

"You got that right! HAHAHAHAHA!!" laughed Zack, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAWait you're serious, aren't you?"

"I know!" said Meg, "You can hire that babysitter Stewie had."

"I don't recommend it," said Lois, "When I came home, she was passed out all drunk and drugged out."

"Drugs?" asked Jillian, "Then she must be really alert if she uses drugs! What's her number?"

"Fine, whatever," said Lois, "But like I said, I don't recommend it."

"Yeah, Jillian. You might as well be feeding them Green Eggs and ham," said Peter, "Speaking of which, what the hell is that all about, anyways? That doesn't even look healthy. It's gotta be, like food poisoning, or sick chicken and pigs, or alien eggs. That's right, Sam I Am probably wants you to eat Martian eggs. And what's up with that guy, anyway? Stalking that other guy like that? He should go to court and put a restraining order on him. And what the hell are they anyway?..."

And he goes on like this for 2 more hours. Later at Jillian's apartment, Jillian is getting herself ready for her big date.

"I want you two to be extra nice to your babysitter," said Jillian.

"A babysitter?" asked C.J.

"Yeah, mom hired a babysitter," said Tilly, "I'll bet she's a mean nasty bitch."

"I'll bet she's ugly," said C.J., "Do you think she'll look like Aunt Meg?"

"..." Tilly stares at her brother for making that VERY predictable statement, "...I'm telling Maddie you said that."

"But she'll kill me!" protested C.J.

"Well it serves you right," said Tilly, "Plus after you're dead, I'll never have to hear that stupid Llama song ever again."

"But it's a classic!" said C.J., "Mom made me a CD of it."

"I know!" shouted Tilly, "You play it all the damn time! The words are even burned to my head! Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another stupid llama, fuzzy llama, f(bleep)cking llama, I DON'T GIVE A F(bleep)CK! I couldn't take it anymore so I gave it to Stewie as a gift!"

"...Why do you gotta break balls, sis?" asked C.J.

At that moment, the doorbell rings.

"That must be her," said Jillian as she went to answer the door. There stands a very attractive young teenage blonde girl.

"Sorry I'm a little late," she said, "Are you Tilly and C.J.'s mom?"

"Yes," said Jillian, "You must be Liddane."

"Oh my god..." said C.J. as he looks into her eyes, "She's beautiful..."

"Really?" asked Tilly, "You do know she's not a llama, don't you?"

Suddenly, the doorbell rings again.

"Don't worry about it, Ms. Jillian. I'll get it," said Liddane. As she opens it, there stands Chris, "Can I help you?"

"Uhh..." said Chris as he stared at Liddane.

"Can I help you?" repeated Liddane.

"Why did I choose to wear tighty whities instead of boxers?" asked Chris.

"WHAT?!" said Jillian.

"Um, who are you?" asked Liddane.

"Please tell her we're swingers," whispered Chris to Jillian.

"CHRIS, SHE'S THE BABYSITTER!!" shouted Jillian.

"Do you know him?" asked Liddane.

"He's... a student I tutor every night," lied Jillian.

"Really? What subjects?" asked Liddane.

"Important stuff... Like the ones that they teach in those classrooms. You know with the numbers and lines, those letters you find in soups, and Biology where you see the teacher after school and he personally shows you how each part of your body works. I got an A+ in that one."

"...Oooookay..." said Liddane.

"Anyway, here's my cell phone number in case something happens," said Jillian, "Now be nice to Liddane while I'm gone."

"Yes mom..." said C.J. as Jillian kissed them goodbye and left.

"So what would you like to do first?" asked Liddane, "Play a game? Watch TV?"

"How about we listen to some music?" asked Tilly.

"That's a great idea," said Liddane, "Do you have any music?"

"I did, but Tilly got rid of it," said C.J.

"Well I think I have something that might cheer you up," said Liddane as she popped in a tape into a tape player.

_"Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another little llama, fuzzy llama, funny llama, llama llama duck!"_

"I'm in love," said C.J.

"**I'M** IN HELL!! AAAAAAAARRRRGH!!" she screamed as she ran into her room.

A few weeks later at the Quahog Mini Mart, Chris is at the counter with his boss Carl talking about stuff like usual.

"And that's why George Bush cannot open his own juice box," said Carl.

"Wow, you know everything," said Chris.

"I also know something else," said Carl, "There was this teenage girl over here the other day. She said she knew you."

"Really?" asked Chris, "Was it Meg?"

"No, she was hot," said Carl.

"Was it Connie?" asked Chris.

"No, she wasn't a bitch," said Carl, "She had blonde hair and babysits for some chick named Lillian or something."

"Liddane?"

"You know her, huh?" asked Carl, "Maybe I could hook you two up. Then maybe you could go bang her in that dumpster out back. I don't recommend using any condoms you find in there, though. They don't work."

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL!!" shouted Jillian as she angrily stomped from a nearby aisle.

"Jillian?" asked Chris.

"You are NOT going to hook up with Liddane!" shouted Jillian.

"Why?" asked Carl, "Are you, like, his mother or something? You look old enough. Huh? Am I right, Chris?"

"...She doesn't look THAT old," muttered Chris.

"You know what?" asked Jillian, "Bolt you!"

"You mean screw you," said Carl.

"SHUT UP!!" she shouted, "I'll have this snickers and this big gulp!"

"Okay. Thank you, come again," said Carl.

"I certainly will, jerk!" said Jillian as she got into her car and left.

"Wow... That bitch was hot," said Carl, "What do you think my chances are of doing her?"

"Want my honest opinion?" said Chris, "Don't. She used to be a man."

"I'm pretty open minded," said Carl.

"Did I mention she's pre op?" asked Chris.

"Still open minded," said Carl, "I mean, did you see that body?"

"...Did I mention she has kids?"

"Screw that crap," said Carl, "I don't need those little facehuggers around me."

"...Call my kids facehuggers again and I'll kill you with a spork," Chris muttered under his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Meanwhile at the Griffin home, C.J. was in the living room with Tilly and Maddie drawing on a piece of paper. Maddie is talking to Tilly.

"I was running from my dad all last night," said Maddie, "He wanted me to take a bath, but I was like no way and ran. He said I was faster than a Kenyan on crystal meth. Whatever that means. Do you know what that means?"

"Maddie, please stop talking," said Tilly as she rubbed her head, "I was up all night and the night before and the night before listening to that stupid llama song. My head's killing me."

"Oh you mean the one with the fuzzy llamas and the silly llamas and the duck?" asked Maddie.

"Yes..." said Tilly

"Watcha drawin'?" asked Maddie as she walked up to C.J.

"Nothing! Go away!" said C.J.

"That don't look like nothing. Can I see?" asked Maddie.

"No!" said C.J. as he covered the paper.

"Fine..." said Maddie as she got an idea, "LOOK!! IT'S A BLONDE TAGNUT WITH HIS NON IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER DRAWING ON A PIECE OF PAPER!"

"Where?" asked C.J. as Maddie snatched the paper.

"Ha! I knew it wasn't nothing!" said Maddie.

"Where's the blonde tagnut?" asked C.J.

"Who's this you're with?" asked Maddie.

"I still don't see the tagnut," said C.J.

Maddie walks out of the room and returns with a small mirror. She then puts it in front of C.J.

"Oh. Hi, tagnut," said C.J.

"Now, who is this?" asked Maddie.

"Nobody," lied C.J.

"That's Liddane, our babysitter" said Tilly.

"And are these HEARTS?" asked Maddie, "Oooooooh!! He's in love with his babysitter!"

"Am not!" shouted C.J.

"C.J. and Liddane, sitting in a tree," sang Maddie, "K-I-S- Wait, GROSS!! You're in love with an older woman! That's nasty!"

"Hey, my parents pulled it off," said C.J.

"Yeah, and your parents are also stupid," said Maddie, "I swear, the only thing they're smarter than is a chicken with it's head cut off."

"HEY!" said Tilly as she was offended, "Those chickens are in a lot of pain!"

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Lois is talking with Peter about going out.

"You know what would be fun?" asked Lois, "If we went out somewhere nice to eat."

"You know what would be fun?" asked Peter, "If you did some laundry around here and made me a damn sammich."

"What?"

"What?"

"Peter, I want us to go out and have a nice romantic dinner together," said Lois, "Just the two of us."

"You're right, but we're going to need a sitter for Stewie," said Peter.

"Meg! Get in here!" shouted Lois as Meg and Zack entered the room, "How would you like to babysit Stewie tonight?"

"No way!" said Meg, "I'm going out tonight!"

"To where?" asked Peter, "Loser's anonymous?"

Lois and Peter then laugh at the remark as Zack and Meg roll their eyes.

"I know a couple of people who need to go, though," said Zack to Meg.

"Zack and I are going to the movies," said Meg, "We wanted YOU to watch Maddie."

"Somebody has to stay with Stewie and Maddie," said Lois.

"I got it!" said Peter, "Hey Brian-"

"Pass!" said Brian.

"What's the matter?" asked Peter, "Don't you like babysitting Stewie and Maddie?"

"Maddie's a breeze to babysit," said Brian, "Stewie, however..."

**Flashback**

Stewie, Brian, and Maddie are sitting in the living room watching a monster movie.

"Who is that?" asked Stewie.

"That's the monster," said Brian.

"That? That doesn't look like a monster," said Stewie, "That just looks like a cheap hunk of styrofoam with a zipper sticking out in the back. The fatman in a thong is scarier than that thing!"

"Shut up!" said Maddie, "You made me throw up in my mouth a little!"

"You shut up!" said Stewie, "Who is that woman? Does she die?"

"Just watch and see," said Brian.

"How does she die?" asked Stewie, "Does the monster get her? I'll bet the monster gets her. He probably eats her brains, then her insides, and then her bones, and then her other insides, and-"

"Shut UP!" said Maddie, "I can't hear the movie!"

"This movie isn't very funny," said Stewie.

"It's a horror flick!" said Brian, "It's not supposed to be."

"You know who IS funny?" asked Stewie, "Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey is a very funny man. He's so funny. He makes me laugh with his funny business. Jim Carrey is a funny man who makes me laugh. He's very funny you know. He- What the? UNHAND ME!! THE BOTH OF YOU!"

Brian and Maddie stuff Stewie in between the couch cushions and set a bowling ball on top of said cushion.

"Goodnight!" said Brian as he and Maddie go upstairs.

"Wait! Get back here!" shouted Stewie, "...Oh, I found a dollar!"

**End Flashback**

"Well, who else can we find?" asked Lois, "Chris is going out and helping the elderly at church..."

"Wait, CHRIS told you that?" asked Zack, "You're such tools!"

"Huh?" asked Peter.

"Nothing," said Zack quickly.

"Just let Liddane babysit them," said Meg.

"I don't know..." said Lois.

"C.J. and Tilly seem okay with her," said Zack, "Would it kill you to give the kid another chance?"

"I guess you're right..." sighed Lois, "I'll call Jillian and see if she's okay with it."

Meanwhile where Jillian is at, she's answering her cell phone.

"Are C.J. and Tilly there?" asked Jillian, "And what about Chris? Is he there? ...Tools... Nothing. I guess you can call her. Just tell the kids I said I love them. Bye," she then hangs up her phone, "That was my boyfriend's mother. She wants my babysitter to babysit my kids and my niece and Stewie. The kids like her a lot... but so does my boyfriend. I'd fire her, but then the kids would be heartbroken. But then she could steal Chris from me and because they're both closer in age, everybody would approve. I don't know what to do. That's why I came to you. You're somebody I know I can trust so please give me guidance."

"Ma'am, I'd love to help you with your dilemma, but this is a drive through," said the Drive thru speaker, "Now either order something, or get the hell out because you're blocking traffic!"

Behind her are a bunch of angry and hungry motorists honking their horns at her.

"What do I do?" moaned Jillian as she rested her head on her steering wheel.

"We could talk about it," said Chris who was next to her car on his bike.

"Chris?" asked Jillian as she opened her car door let Chris in, "What do you want to talk about?"

"Jillian, are you mad at Liddane?" asked Chris.

"No, why?" asked Jillian.

"I saw you run over a cat on the way here and say TAKE THAT LIDDANE, YOU BITCH!!" said Chris, "You seem to get jealous alot."

"So you know," said Jillian, "Well, she is closer to your age."

"I don't care," said Chris, "You're the one for me. Love knows no boundries."

"...Until we get caught," said Jillian.

"True," said Chris, "But it's better you than some old weirdo."

"...Ouch," said Herbert who was hiding in the bushes, snooping around.

"On an unrelated note, I'm going to mow Mr. Herbert's lawn tomorrow," said Chris, "It'll be hot, so I might have to take off my shirt."

"Jackpot!" said Herbert.

Back at the Griffin place, Lois is about ready to leave.

"Now you all be good and I better not expect any mishaps this time, Liddane," said Lois as she left.

"Okay, so is this everybody?" asked Liddane, "I was expecting one more."

"I say! Why does that voice sound so familiar?" asked Stewie as he walked downstairs. He then caught a glimpse at his old babysitter, "Liddane?"

"Stewie! There you are!" she said as she picked him up.

"S-S-Stewie?" asked C.J. in horror.

"This ought to be interesting," said Maddie.

"Indeed," said Tilly.

"I'm going to go make dinner," said Liddane as she left the room, "You all play nice."

"You KNOW Liddane?" asked C.J.

"She used to babysit me," said Stewie, "Things got a little rocky so I had her fired. I even have this mix tape she gave me."

Stewie pops in the mix tapes and presses play.

_"Chocolate Raaaain! Some stay dry while others feel the pain."_

"What the deuce?!" asked Stewie as he took out his mix tape. The label that normally says property of Stewie was crossed off to say Peter instead, "I see... Mental note: when I rule the world make an example of the Fatman by executing him publicly... And the long haired man. He still has my nose. Also, 2 + 2 is four as demonstrated by Sesame Street and therefor is not 5 as I had originally thought."

"Who are you talking to?" asked Maddie.

"Uh, nobody," said Stewie, "Anyway, now fate has brought us back together again. I can finally undo my horrible mistake!"

"Forget it!" said C.J. "She likes me, now! You were stupid enough to get rid of her. I won't let you hurt her again!"

"Stupid? Well look who's talking, Mr. I thought the farmer says moo!" said Stewie.

"Football head!" shouted C.J.

"Fatso!" shouted Stewie.

"Maniac!" shouted C.J.

"Pathetic excuse for an inbred offspring to two of the most pathetic excuses for human life on this planet who couldn't even find their ways out of an open closet with the lights on with a flashing sign pointing to the way out that explicitly says 'THIS WAY OUT', but they think that means is 'STARE BLANKLY AT ME LIKE AN IDIOT FOR OVER AN HOUR'!" shouted Stewie before getting punched by C.J.. The punch was so hard that it knocked him down. Stewie whimpers a little at first and then bawls loudly.

"Stewie? What happened?" asked Liddane as she rushed into the room.

"C.J.! He- He hit meeeeeee!" cried Stewie as he held his arm.

"C.J.!" said Liddane accusingly.

"But he-"

"No! Don't be mean to Stewie! It'll be alright," said Liddane as she kissed Stewie's wound which made C.J. feel sick to his stomach.

"Thank you, Liddane. It's all better now" said Stewie.

"Don't hurt Stewie again, understand?" asked Liddane as she walked away.

"Whoa! Talk about instant backfire, loser!" taunted Stewie.

C.J. then began to growl in frustration. A little later that night...

"You sure you wanna do this to yourself?" asked Tilly.

"Liddane kissed Stewie's wound," said C.J., "Maybe I can get her to kiss mine."

"Don't you think you're taking this a little too far?" asked Maddie.

"No. Why do you ask?" asked C.J. as he was pointing Zack's shotgun at himself.

"Nothing," said Maddie, "Just clean up your non existent brains off the floor when you're done."

"Liddane! Come quick!" said Stewie as he and Liddane ran into the room, "He's pretending to be Kurt Cobain, except without the drugs and depression!"

"C.J., no!" she said as she snatched the gun away, "What kind of irresponsible parent would leave a gun lying around for a child to carry around."

"Wouldn't know," lied Maddie.

"Thank you, Stewie," said Liddane, "You saved C.J.'s life. Say thank you, C.J."

"Yes! Thank me, C.J.," said Stewie.

"Screw you!" shouted C.J. as he ran from the room crying.

"Well, somebody seems to have hit his period," said Stewie.

"Maybe I should talk to him," said Liddane before she noticed something odd, "Why is my bra unhooked?"

"Wasn't me," lied Stewie.

Upstairs, in Chris' room Liddane finds C.J. sobbing on Chris' bed. Liddane sits next to him and places her hand on his back.

"C.J., you know holding a gun is dangerous," said Liddane, "It isn't cool like TV wants you to believe."

"It wasn't that," said C.J., "I just wanted a boo boo for you to kiss."

"...With a gun?" asked Liddane.

"You kissed Stewie's," said C.J., "You like him better..."

"That's not true," said Liddane.

"Yes you do. Even he says so," said C.J.

"Is that why you hit Stewie?" asked Liddane, "Were you jealous?"

"He wants to steal you from me," said C.J.

"Ohhh..." said Liddane as she was beginning to understand, "C.J., you and Stewie are very adorable but I think you're both a little too young to be in love with a babysitter."

"What?" he asked, "Does that mean you don't like me?"

"No," said Liddane, "I'm just saying that you're too young to be thinking about love. You should be playing, having fun, and being a kid."

"You're right," said C.J., "I'm just a kid. I don't want to be held down by a woman like my grandpa always says."

"C.J., you want to be a kid, not a pig," said Liddane as she picked him up, "Now why don't we go downstairs so you can play with the others."

"That would be great," said C.J. as they both went downstairs. They go into the kitchen to see Tilly and Maddie playing a game of Connect Four.

"I thought you two were watching Toy Story," said Liddane, "And where's Stewie?"

"He's still in the living room," said Tilly.

Meanwhile in the living room, Stewie is once again sandwiched in between the couch cousins with a bowling ball on top.

"Blasted girls! Can't accept criticism about Tim Allen!" said Stewie, "So want if my movie commentary was a little loud? They'll regret doing this to me! ...Ooh, a 20 dollar bill! God I LOVE this couch!"

**End Chapter.**


	6. Of Drunks And Hippies

**Chapter 6: Of Drunks and Hippies**

One afternoon, Peter and Zack walk into the house. Zack was carrying a book in his hand while Peter was empty handed.

"Where were you two?" asked Lois, "You got off work about an hour ago."

"We stopped by the bookstore at the mall," said Zack, "I wanted to buy this."

"Let me see," said Meg as she took Zack's book, "The book on Chuck Norrism?"

"It's got all this stuff about what Chuck Norris can do and has done," said Peter, "It teaches you the ways of Chuck Norris."

"All that stuff is load of crap, if you ask me," said Brian.

"You know what I heard?" asked Peter, "I heard that Chuck Norris is so godly, that some of his powers are endowed within his books."

"That's absurd!" said Zack, "Chuck Norris is just a redneck who starred in B movies and Walker Texas Ranger. He isn't god-"

A hairy armed fist then came flying out of the book and punched Zack halfway across the room leaving him a bloody mess.

"Okay, where do I find this holy House of Norris?" asked Brian.

"Did you buy anything from the bookstore, Peter?" asked Lois.

"I tried, but some jerk got to the book before I did," said Peter.

**Flashback.**

Peter is looking through some of the books at the bookstore. He finds one that catches his eye.

"Make Out...," said Peter as he began skimming through the pages, "Hey, this is pretty good. I think I'll buy this."

"Not so fast! I want that book."

Peter turns around and sees a white haired masked ninja who was none other than Naruto's own Kakashi Hatake.

"Sorry, buddy, but I found this book first," said Peter, "You snooze, you lose."

"You should give me the book," said Kakashi.

"Or else, what?" asked Peter.

"I am a ninja after all," said Kakashi, "I do have the ability to copy other people's moves."

"Oooh! I'm a copy ninja! So scary! I copy other people's moves instead of being original! Listen, buddy, you and those other Narutards can- AAAH!!" screamed Peter as Kakashi cack sacked him and took the book.

"For the record, that was your move," said Kakashi as he walked a little, stopped, farted on Peter and walked away.

**End Flashback.**

"Well I have something that might cheer you up," said Lois, "You got a letter from Mickey McFinnigan."

"No freaking way!" said Peter.

"Hey dad, isn't that your dad who's a drunken Irishman?" asked Chris.

"You bet, Chris," said Peter, "Your old man went all the way to Ireland and beat him in a drinking contest."

"Wow. You beat an Irishman at a drinking contest?" asked Maddie, "Do you still have your kidneys?"

"No," said Peter, "They're both from organ donors just like my eyes."

"Your eyes are the what now?" asked Zack in confusion.

"My dad's flying in today," said Peter, "We gotta get to the airport!"

"And so we shall," said Zack, "But first, can we get rid of that book?"

The book then grew a pair of legs and roundhouse kicked Zack into a wall. Later at the airport, the family is waiting for Peter's father to arrive.

"Zack and I are going to go look at the gift shop," said Meg as she handed Maddie into Lois' arms, "Mom, can you watch Maddie for us?"

"Of course," said Lois, "You know, we never spend enough time together."

"Yes and there's a reason," said Maddie, "I make a CHOICE out of it. Just like when mom made a CHOICE to have me. I know you love LIFE but aren't very PRO about some forms. Hint, hint."

"I'll bet you'd love to meet your great grandfather," said Peter, "He's like a war hero in his town."

"Except he's fighting the war on soborism," said Maddie.

"Maddie, all wars are very important," said Peter, "There's always a good, moral, and sensible reason to fight a war."

"What about the war in Iraq?" asked Maddie.

"...Good point," said Peter.

"I wonder where's Stewie?" asked Lois.

Somewhere in the airport, Stewie is sitting on a bench talking to The Undertaker.

"So if I'm not mistaken, you're the Deadman," said Stewie.

"Yup," said Taker.

"And that tattoo that says Sara?" asked Stewie.

"Oh, this? That's the name of my wife," said Taker.

"Really?" asked Stewie, "Well then answer me this. When you have sex with her, is it reverse necrophilia?"

"Honestly?" asked Taker, "...Yes."

"Stewie! Don't bother that man," said Lois as she walked in and picked him up, "I'm very sorry if he bothered you, sir."

"No, it's alright," said Taker, "I'm just waiting for a guy to get off his plane. I think that's him right now."

Undertaker then runs off and clotheslines Edge. They then begin to beat the living hell out of each other with suitcases and other stuff that wasn't nailed to the ground.

"Oh, those WWE wrestlers," said Peter, "Assaulting each other outside the ring when that would normally be illegal but isn't for some reason."

"Can I throw something?" asked Maddie.

"Knock yourself out," said Peter as he handed her a frying pan, "Or should I say, knock _them_ out?"

Maddie throws a frying pan at them. Taker grabs it a smacks Edge across the head with it.

"Awesome!" said Maddie.

"Peter look," said Lois as she pointed out the window, "I think I see your father's plane."

"Hey, it is," said Peter, "It's from the Irish Airline. It's landing right now."

"How can you tell that's the plane?" asked Maddie.

As the plane lands on the walkway, it begins to swerve a little as if it couldn't stay in a straight line. It then crashes into a wall.

"Nevermind," said Maddie, "The pilot's drunk."

Anyway, after the plane finally gets into the correct position all the Irishmen onboard. Lois, Peter, Chris, Stewie, and Maddie all wait for Mickey.

"So what does grandpa look like?" asked Chris.

"He looks like the most handsome guy in the world," said Peter.

"Is that him?" asked Maddie as she pointed to a man who liked like a bearded Peter.

"Hey, that's right," said Peter, "How did you know."

"Your ego told me," said Maddie.

"Ah, top of the mornin to ya son!" said Mickey.

"Yeah, long time no see, dad," said Peter as they shook hands.

"Sorry if I was a bit late, but we had to make a stop. The plane ran out of gas!" said Mickey as he farted, "But I sure didn't!"

"HAHAHA! What did I tell ya?" asked Peter, "Is he a class act or what?"

"So this be your family, is it?" asked Mickey.

"Most of us," said Lois, "The other two are at the gift shop."

Zack and Meg were coming back with Zack's mother, Valerie, the hippy who looked like Jillian

"Look who we ran into," said Zack, "We- AAAAAHHHHH!! PETER'S BEEN CLONED!! WE WASTED GOVERNMENT MONEY!!"

"I beg your pardon?" asked Mickey, "I don't look a thing like him."

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that," said Zack.

"While we were at the gift shop, we ran into Zack's mom," said Meg, "She was singing when she suddenly knocked out a business man with her guitar."

"He told me to get a job!" she said angrily.

"Grandma Valerie!" said Maddie as she hugged her.

"Maddie!" said Valarie, "So how's that cat you adopted from the shelter."

"I don't want to talk about it," said Maddie.

"Did he run away?" asked Valerie.

"Run? Yes," said Brian, "Away? No. Over? Yes."

"I see..." said Valarie.

"So you're the lass's grandmother, eh?" asked Mickey, "And what a young grandmother you are."

"You look an awful lot like Peter," said Valarie, "Are you his brother?"

"No, I'm his father," said Mickey, "But I could see why you'd think such a thing," he finished as he winked.

"Hey, what's going on here?" asked Zack, "Are you flirting with my mom?"

"Zack, he's just being nice," said Valarie.

"Maybe she would like to join us for dinner tonight," said Mickey.

"Why of course," said Lois.

"That son of a bitch!" muttered Zack, "He IS flirting with my mom!"

"Well, Well," said Stewie, "This should be more interesting to watch than Meg's last play."

**Flashback**

The students of James Woods High were performing Romeo and Juliet. We're near the end of the play where Juliet finds Romeo's dead body.

"What's here? a cup, closed in my true love's hand?" asked Meg, "Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end."

"No! He died because you bored him to death!" shouted Peter.

"Peter, shush," said Lois.

"Yeah, don't make me spork your ass," said Zack.

"O churl! drunk all," continued Meg "And left no friendly drop to help me after?"

"It's cause he doesn't want you following him to heaven!" shouted Peter.

"Dammit, shut up!" said Zack.

"You're ruining the play," said Lois.

"No I'm not!" said Peter, "This isn't even convincing."

"I swear," said Zack, "I hate idiots who ruin plays."

"I will kiss thy lips," continued Meg, "Haply some poison yet doth hang on them, to make die with a restorative."

Meg tries to kiss "Romeo", but he keeps moving his head away in fear since she is Meg after all.

"What the hell are you doing, punk?" shouted Zack, "Let her kiss you or I'll kick your ass!"

Romeo then stops moving and let's Meg kiss him.

"THAT SON OF A BITCH!!" shouted Zack as he ran up the stage and beat up the boy.

**End Flashback**

Later that night at the Griffin place, everybody is having dinner. Mickey and Valarie keep exchanging glances at each other while Zack is trying to keep himself from committing murder.

"Great Grandpa Mickey," said Maddie, "Is it true that you're famous in your town just for being the town drunk?"

"Of course," said Mickey, "You might even say that I'm a legend there."

Suddenly from under the table comes the Legend Killer Randy Orton who RKO's Mickey McFinnigan.

"Ha!" laughed Randy, "Another legend falls victim to the R...K...O!"

"Shoo! Go away!" shouted Lois as she chased him outside of the house with a broom, "Stop RKOing people!"

"Never!" shouted Randy from the sidewalk, "By the way, I fudged your purse!"

He then runs off and Lois returns into the kitchen.

"Now I need a new purse," said Lois.

"That was confusing," said Peter.

"Yeah," said Maddie, "I haven't been this confused since I tried to learn how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop."

**Flashback**

Maddie walks up to Lois in the kitchen who is washing dishes. In the little girl's hand is a tootsie pop.

"Grandma, you've licked and sucked on a lot of things," said Maddie, "Do you know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop?"

"I don't know," said Lois, "I never made it without biting. Ask grandpa."

Maddie walks into the living room, where Peter was watching TV.

"Grandpa, how many licks does it take to-" said Maddie.

"Oh boy! Free candy!" said Peter as he snatched the lollipop from Maddie and ate it, wrapper and all, "Okay, what was the question?"

**End Flashback**

"Oh my, are you alright?" asked Valarie as she helped him up.

"If the beer couldn't kill me, a pretty boy sure as hell couldn't," laughed McFinnigan as he got back into his seat and slammed the table.

"Zack, you seem angry," said Meg, "Calm down."

"I'm not angry," said Zack.

"You seem like a nice lass," said McFinnigan, "How would ya like to go out to the local tavern?"

"NOW I'm angry!" said Zack as he slammed his fist onto the table.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now," said Valarie, "I went through a nasty divorce and my last relationship didn't go so well."

"I'm just asking you to give me one chance," said McFinnigan.

"Alright," she said, "Maybe we'll have some fun."

Grrr..." growled Zack as he began turning red.

"Zack, don't," said Meg, "Just hold it in."

"NO! LET IT ALL OUT!!" shouted Stewie, "KNOCK HIS TEETH OUT! KICK HIM IN THE SHINS! MAKE BLOOD FLY, DAMMIT!!"

Later that night in Meg's room, Zack and Meg are lying in bed talking with each other.

"Are you always going to get mad when your mom dates somebody?" asked Meg.

"I'm not mad because she's dating!" said Zack.

"YOU PUNCHED A HOLE IN MY WALL!!" shouted Meg.

"Thank you for pointing that out, Miss Obvious," said Chris from the other side of the hole.

"No I'm not mad because she's dating!" said Zack, "I'm PISSED because she's dating your grandfather!"

"It's no big deal," said Meg.

"Yes it is!" said Zack, "What if they get married? Legally, I become McFinnigan's son and your uncle. How would you like to call me Uncle Zack in the bedroom?"

"Actually, it sounds kinda kinky," said Meg, "But I get what you're saying. It's hard to imagine what Maddie will grow up to be like. Instead of her growing up like this..."

**Possible Future...**

12 years in the future, Maddie looks and dresses exactly how Meg did in the makeover episode.

"Are you ready for school Maddie?" asked Meg.

"Almost," said Maddie, "Is it alright if I go to the mall after school? I'm gonna hang out with all my cool friends since I **am** the most popular girl in school."

"Of course, Maddie," said Meg, "Have a good day."

"Love you, mom," said Maddie as she walked out the door.

**End Possible Future**

"She could end up growing up like this..." said Meg.

**Other Possible Future...**

12 years in the future, Maddie still has her hairstyle. Her outfit, however, consisted of a black tanktop, dark green cargo pants, black chuck tailors, black eyeliner, and a cross necklace. She had on a pair of headphones that blasted heavy metal rock.

"Are you ready for school, Maddie," asked Meg.

"Just hang on a sec," said Maddie as she looked into her backpack.

In it were a can of spray paint, a few cherry bombs, a spitball shooter, and "hot spot" diagram of fellow classmate Olivia Fuller.

"Yeah, I'm ready," said Maddie.

"Have a good day," said Meg.

"Damn right I will," said Maddie as she walked out of the room.

(A/N: If you've seen my DeviantArt account, you'll know which one's more accurate ;).)

**End Other Possible Future**

"But for now, just try to get some sleep," said Meg as she kissed him on the cheek and turned off the lights.

The next morning at the breakfast table, Peter is talking with his dad about the date.

"So how did your date go last night?" asked Peter.

"It was terrific," said Mickey, "Last night, she beat me in a drinking contest!"

"No way!" said Peter, "How did she do it?"

"Her secret?" asked Mickey, "She drank and did a lot of pot during her marriage."

"That's great," said Peter, "I guess you're gonna leave her, like how you leave all those other women including my mom."

"Are you kidding?" asked Mickey, "This woman has stolen me heart! Laddie, I'm in love!"

Really?" asked Peter.

"Aye," said Mickey, "I'm going to take her out again, tonight. Who knows? The long haired one could be your step brother."

"Oh my god!" gasped Peter.

"Now if you excus eme I'm off to take a stroll," said Mickey, "Until I run into a tavern and drink myself stupid!"

With that, Mickey McFinnigan leaves the house.

"I think it's nice that your father has found true love," said Lois.

"Well I'm opposed!" said Peter.

"I'm opposed, too!" said Zack.

"I mean, what if my father does marry her?" asked Peter, "Then I'll be related to HIM!"

"Peter, we already are related," said Zack, "I'm your son in law, remember?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, wait you're right," said Peter, "Maybe it won't be so bad."

"Peter, focus!" said Zack.

"I'm opposed to it, too!" said Brian as he slammed his fist onto the table.

"Why?" asked Meg, "You two broke up."

"I know, but I care about her," said Brian, "I don't want her to make the same mistake she made before and end up with another fat drunk."

"Hey, Lois married me and I'm a fat drunk," said Peter, "Was that a mistake?"

"..." Brian just stares at Peter, "We must break them up."

"Brian, you can't break them up," said Lois, "That would be like the Little Mermaid cheating on Prince Eric."

**Cutaway.**

Prince Eric walks into his bedroom, turns on the lights and finds Ariel quickly covering herself while her lover is hiding under the sheets.

"Eric" said Ariel, "You're home early."

"Ariel? How could you?" asked Eric.

"I'm sorry," said Ariel, "I'm still attracted to creatures of the sea."

"Who's under there?" he asked, "A Merman?"

"Not exactly..." she said.

"Dahahahahaha!" laughed the mystery man from under the bed. Exactly who is he? Well, let's just say that he lives in a pineapple under the sea.

**End Cutaway.**

"I hate to say it, but I'm actually with dad on this one," said Meg, "I want Zack to be my husband and not my uncle."

"You actually agree with me?" asked Peter, "Wow, that means a lot to me, Meg."

"Thanks dad," said Meg.

"HA, no it doesn't," said Peter before Zack slapped him in the back of his head.

"Anyway, we need a way to break those two up," said Zack.

"I think I know just how to do it," said Peter.

"How?" asked Zack.

"We're taking my father to the brewery!" said Peter.

Much later at the Pawtucket Brewery, Zack and Peter are showing Mickey around the area they normally aren't allowed to work in.

"You see, Zack and I work here at this brewery," said Peter.

"You don't say," said Mickey.

"And one of the perks is that we get free beer," said Zack.

"Relatives included," said Peter as he handed him a bottle, "Have a drink on me, dad."

"I don't know," said Mickey, "I've got a big date tonight, and..."

"Ah, c'mon," said Zack, "I'm sure a few beers wouldn't hurt."

"Alright, just one," said Mickey.

"One?!" asked Peter, "And you call yourself an Irishman!"

"Pfft! Some legend," scoffed Zack, "My mom out drank you and she's a hippie! Some town drunk."

"I'll show you a thing or two!" said McFinnigan as he downed his beer. A few hours later, Mickey is standing in front of the two, drunk as hell.

"Oh my gosh!" said Peter as he looked at his watch, "You're gonna be late for your date!"

"My wha...?" he slurred, "OH! Right! Me date with... uh... Elizabeth!"

"Yeah, that's right," said Zack, "Her name's Elizabeth... Elizabeth the dirty slut."

"Alright, and I was supposed to meet her... uh...?"

"In a ditch somewhere," said Peter, "And you have to give her money, because she's a prostitute."

"Right! Mickey McFinnigan AWAY!" shouted Mickey as he put his hands in front of him and pretended to fly like Freakazoid while making whooshing noises.

The next morning at the breakfast table, Peter keeps looking outside for his father.

"Zack, I think our plan worked too well," said Peter, "He didn't come home last night."

"Peter, I'm sure he's alright," said Lois.

"Exactly how drunk did you get him?" asked Meg.

"He was pretending to fly," said Zack, "You do the math."

The doorbell then rings.

"Wonder who that is?" asked Meg.

"God I hope that's not the police," said Peter, "And if it is, I hope they're here to arrest me for writing the word 'Don't' on all the stop signs and not to tell me that my father's been arrested or killed."

Peter opens the door and see's Valerie with Mickey hoisted over her shoulder.

"I found him in a ditch," said Valarie, "He was shouting something about Elizabeth the dirty slut prostitute. I took him back to my place until he felt better."

"Oh my god! THANK YOU, Valarie," said Peter.

"I hope he wasn't too much trouble," said Lois.

"No he wasn't," said Elizabeth, "In fact, he was a little wild."

"Wait, what do you mean by that?" asked Meg.

Mickey began to regain consciousness.

"Oh, me head," said Mickey, "I haven't had a pounding since... No wait, I'M supposed to be the one pounding! HAHAHAHA!!" he laughed as he pounded on a nearby table.

"Speaking of pounding, there's something you need to know, Mickey," said Valarie, "Last night... we had sex."

"Score!" said Mickey.

"WHAT?!" shouted Zack.

"And that's not all," said Valarie, "I'm pregnant."

"OH MY GOD!!" shouted Zack, Mickey, Peter, and Brian.

Oh no!" said Lois.

"Oh no!" said Maddie.

"Oh no!" said Chris.

"Oh no!" said Meg.

"OH YEAH!" shouted Kool Aid Man as he burst through the wall. Everybody just looks at him in confusion, and he slowly backs away.

"OH! And the plot thickens!" said Stewie in amusement.

"Well... It's good to know that me equipment still works," chuckled Mickey.

"Are you serious, Valarie?" asked Peter.

"I'm dead serious," said Valarie.

"Can't you get an abortion?" asked Brian.

"No, I don't believe in abortions," said Valerie, "Unlike someone else in this room. Somebody who shall remain nameless. Lois, do you know somebody like that? Somebody who is pro choice?"

"Oh get off it, Val," said Lois, "We know exactly who you're talking about."

"I don't know what to say, except," said Mickey as he got onto one knee, "Valarie Murdock, will you marry me?"

"I... Yes, I will marry you," said Valarie.

Zack and Peter faint as everybody else looks on in shock.

"Not that it's important, but I'm out of juice," said Stewie as he tapped on his sippy cup, "Yup... Bone dry..."

Later in the living room...

"I can't believe this is happening..." said Meg, "I'm about to be married to my uncle."

"Jillian's gonna be my Aunt," said Chris, "And that'll make her kids my cousins! I'm the father of my cousins... legally."

"Wow, I'm gonna have an uncle that's younger than me," said Maddie, "Just like how I have an uncle who's 1 year older. This family's more messed up than... Damn, there's nothing more messed up than this family."

"I know," said Stewie, "It's like Jerry Springer, sans the southern accents, toothless smiles, and transsexuals!"

"What are we gonna do, Peter," said Lois, "This decision could screw up this family."

"Only one thing to do," said Peter, "We need help."

Much later in the living room...

"And that's why we need your help," said Peter, "We've heard all about the great things you've done and we think that you're the man to do it. So what do you say, Mr. Norris?"

Standing in front of them was Chuck Norris. He cups his hand onto his chin as if he was deep in thought. He then roundhouse kicks Zack onto a wall and walks out of the house.

"Well, that was a waste," said Zack as he got up and brushed himself off.

"Some godly figure..." said Brian.

Chuck Norris then walks back into the house.

"You're back!" said Peter.

"I forgot something," said Chuck as his chin fist punched Brian. He then walks away.

We now fast forward a few weeks later to the wedding. Chris is taking wedding attendance.

"Are you with the bride or the groom?" asked Chris.

"What's that supposed to mean laddie?" asked the man "Them's fightin' words! I'll knock you out!"

"The groom's side is over there," said Chris. He was then approached by another man, "Are you with the bride, or the groom?"

"Nobody's with anyone, man," he said, "We're each, like, an individual and not as one being as you put it."

"The bride's side is over there," said Chris.

On the groom's side were a bunch of drunken Irishmen while on the bride's side were a bunch of doped up Hippies.

"I better take Maddie and Stewie outside," said Meg, "I think they're getting high off the pot fumes."

"Maddie, look at your hair," said Stewie, "It's yellow, like flames being doused by pee."

"My god," said Maddie, "You're right. And your head's, like, shaped like a football. Did you, like escape from the NFL or something?"

"I... I dunno," said Stewie, "Maybe I did. God, I'm so baked."

"You know what else is baked?" asked Maddie, "A potato."

"You're so smart," said Stewie, "I think... I think I love you. I want us to get married and have kids someday. You think I'll make a good mother?"

"Aren't we, like, cousins or something?" asked Maddie.

"I forget..." said Stewie.

Meanwhile in the bride's dressing room, Lois is trying her best to convince Valarie not to marry Mickey.

"Val, you can't go through with this," said Lois, "It'll mess up the family. For Christ's sake, he's old enough to be your father."

"Yet, that's never stopped YOU from having your fun," said Valarie, "Besides, my mind's made up. Mickey and I are getting married and raising this child."

"What if you weren't pregnant?" asked Lois, "Would you still be marrying him."

"Probably not," said Valarie.

Lois looks around the room and sees a chair. She picks it up and raises it...

"Don't even think about it," said Valarie.

"It was worth a shot," said Lois as she left the room.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. In steps Brian, who is all dressed up.

"Is it alright if I come in?" asked Brian.

"You may," said Valarie.

"Valarie... I know I can't stop you from getting married," said Brian, "But I want you to know this; I love you and I only want the best for you. If you want to marry Mickey McFinnigan, you can."

"Thank you, Brian," said Valarie as she kissed him on the forehead.

Back outside, the wedding was beginning. The Wedding March began to play as Zack escorted his mother down the aisle. She was wearing a traditional wedding dress, but it was also untraditional at the same time. It was tie dyed.

"Wow," said Stewie, "It's like a rainbow got sick and threw up on her dress."

"Stewie! That's mean!" said Lois as she began to snicker a little, "Heh... A rainbow throwing up on a dress... How silly."

She finally makes her way up the aisle where Mickey and Peter are waiting. Uniting them in holy matrimony will be none other than... Mayor of Quahog, Adam West!

"We are gathered here today, to join together Mickey McFinnigan and Valarie Murdock in holy matrimony," said Adam West, "On an unrelated note, Valarie also happens to be the grandmother of little Tiffany!"

"It's MADDIE!!" shouted Maddie.

"Oh, Malcolm, you little scamp you," said Adam West, "Anyway, do you Valarie take Mickey... Mickey! HAHA! Oh what a silly name! That's a mouse's name! A person can't have a mouse's name!"

"Oh yeah, like I haven't heard that one before," said Mickey as he rolled his eyes.

"Anyway, do you Valarie take Mickey to be your lawful wedded husband?" asked Adam.

"I do," said Valarie.

"And do you, Mickey... HAHAHAHA!! Sorry, it's just that-"

"Shut up!" said Mickey, "And I do."

"Just for the record, I never voted for that guy," whispered Zack to Meg, "I voted for Christopher Walken."

"Christopher Walken?" asked Meg, "You thought HE was better than Mr. West."

"No, I just wanted you to know that I never voted for him," said Zack, "I wish I did, though."

"And if anyone has any objections to this wedding, speak now or forever hold your peace," said Adam West as he looked around, "Anyone at all? C'mon, don't be shy. Anyone can object for any reason. Even, oh, say that this marriage could screw up a family and mix up the relatives. Just throwing that out there. Anyone?"

"I object!" said Peter, "This marriage is wrong and should be stopped!"

"My mom is marrying my wife's grandfather and I won't stand for it!" said Zack.

"Wife?" asked Mickey, "You mean that's NOT your son, Peter?"

"Shut up,. Nobody was talking to you," said Zack.

"Zack's right," said Meg, "I don't want to be married to my uncle!"

"And I don't want to be his brother!" said Peter.

"And I don't want to be an Oscar Meyer Weiner!" said Adam West as everybody stared at him in confusion, "Well, I don't!"

"So is this how you all feel?" asked Mickey.

"Pretty much," said Peter.

"Then I guess we should tell you something you need to know," said Valarie.

"Listen carefully," said Mickey, "...YOU'VE ALL BEEN PRANKED!!"

He and Valarie begin to laugh their heads off as all the guests laughed as well.

"GOTCHA!" laughed Valarie.

"Wait, this was all a joke?" asked Peter.

"Everything!" said Mickey, "This oughta teach you two not to get me drunk and leave me in a ditch."

"So you really aren't pregnant?" asked Zack.

"Of course not," said Valarie, "It was all set up. Everybody else was in on it."

"I wasn't in on it!" said Adam West, "...Or was I?"

"No, you weren't," said Mickey.

"Weren't I?" asked Adam West.

"No, we never told you," said Valarie.

"Didn't you?" he asked.

"Please stop doing that," said Valarie.

"Oh, will I?" he asked, "No seriously, please make me stop."

"Well I suppose I be heading back to Ireland, now," said Mickey, "Valarie, I hope you finally find the right man for ya."

"I think I will someday," she said as she turned to Brian.

"Yeah, someday..." said Brian.

"Um, has it ever occurred to anyone that somebody has to pay for this wedding?" asked Maddie.

"Oh crap, I haven't thought that far," said Mickey.

"NOT IT!" shouted Valarie as she ran away.

"NOT IT!" shouted Mickey as he ran.

"NOT IT!" shouted Brian as he ran.

"NOT IT!" shouted Stewie.

"NOT IT!" shouted Lois.

"NOT IT!" shouted Meg.

"NOT IT!" shouted Chris.

"NOT IT!" shouted Maddie.

"NOT IT!" shouted Zack.

"NOT- Oh crap..." said Peter as he was alone in the chapel with Adam West, "You wanna split the bill?"

"You can't split a bill!" said Adam West, "A Ted maybe, but not a Bill."

"I guess you're right," said Peter.

"You know, if somebody were to get married, you wouldn't have to pay for this," said Adam West, "Just any two people... if you catch my drift."

Peter then runs like hell out of the chapel.

"Come back!" shouted Adam West, "I meant Worf and B'Elanna Torres of Star Trek fame! Torres should've met and married Worf, not Tom Paris dammit! Besides, Worf is a much cooler name! Paris is just a city in France for god's sake! It sounds so stupid! It's not fair!"

**End Chapter**


	7. The Dull Bride of Satan

**Chapter 7: The Dull Bride of Satin**

On a seemingly normal afternoon, the entire family(sans Meg) was watching TV in the living room.

"We now return to Garfield: The Wrath of Jon," said the TV announcer.

**Cutaway to TV**

Garfield walks up to the refrigerator and sees a note on it. He then begins to read it.

_"Dear Garfield, I've gotten tired of putting up with your crap so I'm going on vacation. Now I shall leave you as you left me, marooned for weeks in the center of an empty house, hungry..."_

Garfield attempts to open the refrigerator, but it is locked shut.

_"...Hungry..."_

"JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!" shouted Garfield as his scream echoes across the neighborhood, "JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!"

**End Cutaway**

"This is terrible!" said Meg as she walked into the living room, "This is the worse thing to ever happen to me in my entire life!"

"Oh my god!" said Peter, "You're pregnant again?"

"Pregnant? I wish!" said Meg, "No, I'm going through something terrible!"

"What is it?" asked Zack.

"I got signed up for cheerleader tryouts!" said Meg.

"...Oh," said Peter as he and Zack went back to watching TV.

"THAT'S BAD!!" she screamed.

"I thought you wanted to be a cheerleader," said Zack, "You know, for popularity and all that crap?"

"I suck at cheerleading!" said Meg.

"Yeah, that and about 90 of everything else you do," said Peter.

"Why did you even sign up for cheerleader tryouts anyway?" asked Zack.

"I didn't!" said Meg, "Connie forged my name! She just wants to see me embarrass myself in front of everybody!"

"So the blonde bitch strikes again," said Zack, "They always seem to get away in life just because they're blonde and they know how to gangbang."

"What am I going to do?" asked Meg.

"Meg, here's my advice," said Chris, "What you should do is quit the tryouts. It'll save yourself from the embarrassment and save us from all the whining."

"I think Chris is right on this one," said Zack, "Sometimes, it's best to just give up. That's what the French do."

**Flashback.**

In some random historic battle, the French are going to war against a random country.

"Alright men!" said the French general, "Today, we weel fight to zee death! We shall crush zee enemy like snails! We will then laugh at zhem as zhey beg for merci! Follow me, to victory!"

"Huzzah!" shouted the rest of the army as the ran a little and then stopped.

"Wow, zhat's... uh... zhat's a lot of enemies out there," said one soldier.

"Eet's raining!" complained another, "I don't want my suit to get wet!"

"Eet is too dark! I'm scared!" said another.

"Eeek! A firefly!" shrieked another as he hide in the bushes.

"You know what? Let's surrender," said the General, "We're obviously waaaaay too tought for zhem. It wouldn't be a fair fight."

(A/N: Sorry if I offended any French people out there. This was just too funny.)

**End Flashback.**

"Meg, I'm sure you'll do just fine," said Lois, "I'll bet if you try hard enough, you might even make the team."

"Really? Thanks mom!" said Meg as she hugged her and went to her room.

"That was mean, Lois," said Peter, "You shouldn't have got her hopes up like that."

"Well I got her out of the room, didn't I?" asked Lois.

"I'd make a derogatory remark about how you guys suck as parents, but I won't," said Zack.

"And for that, we thank you," said Peter.

The next day at James Woods High, Meg and the other girls are getting ready for cheerleader tryouts. She notices that Quagmire is there.

"Mr. Quagmire?" asked Meg.

"Oh!" said Quagmire in surprise, "Uh, hi Meg."

"What are you doing here?" she asked, "Are you judging the cheerleader tryouts?"

"Uh, yeah!" said Quagmire, "Judging. That's why I'm here."

"Hey, you!" shouted the school security guard, "You're supposed to be banned from this campus!"

"Hey, that girl told me she was 18! I swear!" shouted Quagmire as he was chased away.

"Weird...," said Meg before she was then approached by Connie D'amico.

"Hey, Meg," said Connie, "I just wanted to say, break a leg."

"Um, thanks," said Meg.

"Because you will after you fall on your fat ass," laughed Connie as she walked away.

"Oh God, I don't know if I can do this," said Meg, "I need a miracle to pull this off... I'd even sell my soul to be on the cheerleading squad!"

The world then began to go dark. Everybody else seemed to have stopped moving.

"Did I hear somebody offer to sell their soul?" asked a strange voice. A smooth, soothing, but distrustful voice.

Meg turned around to see where the voice was coming from. There stood a tall, slender young man in a black tailcoat, a white dress shirt with the top buttons open, black pants, and black wingtip shoes. He had shoulder length black hair which partially covered one eye. The revealing eye showed that he had red eyes. He also sported a black thin goatee which was a full goatee unlike Zack's chin beard. Speaking of which, he almost resembled him.

"Who are you?" asked Meg.

"Who I am is of no importance," he said, "But you may call me Lucifer."

"What are you doing here?" she asked.

"To make a proposition, of course," said Lucifer, "I can guarantee you a spot on the cheerleading squad. You could even become head cheerleader."

"Really? That would be awesome!" said Meg, "But what do I have to do?"

"The proposition is quite simple," said Lucifer, "I'll give you everything beyond your wildest dreams. All I ask for in return is your soul."

"My soul?" asked Meg.

"Come now, Meg," said Lucifer, "It's no big a deal. Celebrities have done it to get where they are... Tom Cruise, Britney Spears, Paris Hilton..."

"Even Marilyn Manson?" asked Meg.

"No, he's my son," said Lucifer, "He's too weird, even for me. I don't know if he's even my son anymore, know what I mean?"

"So where do I sign?" asked Meg.

"Right here on the X," said Lucifer, as the contract poofed into his hands.

Meg takes the pen and is about to sign, but is having second thoughts.

"I don't know..." she said to herself.

Suddenly, her shoulder devil appears. She dresses like Meg except she wears red instead of pink, has devil horns and a devil's tail.

"Sign it!" she said, "You want to be popular, don't you? And besides, he's cute!"

Meg then looks over her other shoulder, but nobody appears.

"Hey, where's my conscience?" asked Meg.

Somewhere in traffic, Meg's conscience is in a car with Peter's conscience.

"Great!" she said, "I'm going to be late for work! This wouldn't happen if Zack's conscious would just take Maddie's conscious to school instead of me!"

"You think that's bad?" asked Peter's conscience, "I'm ALWAYS late for work because of this stupid traffic. That's why my guy's always doing stupid crap!"

Back at school...

"She probably thinks it's a good idea, too. Don't you want to be popular?" asked the shoulder devil as she poofed away.

"Deal," said Meg as she signed the contract.

"Pleasure doing business with you, Ms. Griffin," said Lucifer.

"No, thank **you**," said Meg before Lucifer disappeared, "Huh? Where did he go."

"Hey everybody, Meg is up next," said Connie, "Better put away all your mirrors before her ugliness breaks them."

Everybody else then laughs at Meg.

"You know what your problem is?" asked Meg, "You're S-L-U-T-T-Y! You ain't got no allaby! Wanna know why? You slutty!"

Everybody then gasps in shock, but not because of Meg's remark. They were all surprised that Meg did it all in a perfect cheer.

"Whoa..." said Connie.

"It worked!" said Meg, "I can cheer!"

"Meg, I hate to say this but... that was cool," said Connie, "You're in."

"Yes!" said Meg, "Thank you Lucifer!"

After school, Meg comes home excited in a cheerleader outfit.

"Guess what?" asked Meg.

Stewie then promptly spits out his juice.

"Good lord!" said Stewie, "Not while I'm drinking!"

"I made the cheerleading squad!" said Meg.

"That's great!" said Lois, "Isn't that great, Peter?"

"Meg, you're a little late with that April Fools prank," said Peter.

"This isn't a prank," said Meg, "I'm a real cheerleader!"

"That's awesome," said Zack, "You hear that, Peter? I'm sleeping with a cheerleader."

"Oh yeah? Well..." said Peter before he thought for a moment, "You tha man!"

"That's some good news," said Chris, "But did you know that Jillian was in the cheerleading squad when she was in High School?"

"It's true," said Jillian, "I was going to teach you how to be a great cheerleader."

"That doesn't sound hard," said Tilly, "All you have to do is be blonde, throw up alot, wear a micro skirt, and sleep around with the football players in the locker rooms."

"Hey that's right," said Jillian, "How did you know?"

"Wait, you're serious?" asked Tilly, "I was only joking!"

"So how did you do it?" asked Brian.

"Oh, you know. Practice and all that," said Meg,

"I don't know," said Maddie, "You said earlier today that you stink at cheerleading. Did you acquire these abilities... supernaturally?"

"Of course not," said Meg, "So who wants to see my pom poms?"

Stewie then spits out his juice again.

"You dreaded cow!" said Stewie, "What did I just tell you?"

So Meg went on to be a cheerleader for the school. For weeks, she would always get the crowd all riled of for the football and basketball games. Her popularity also skyrocketed, too. Then one day at cheerleading practice...

"Hi everybody!" said Meg, "Are we ready to- Wait, why are you all huddled up?"

"Meg, we decided something," said Connie, "You're no longer a cheerleader."

"You're all kicking me off the team?" asked Meg, "But I'm the best cheerleader on the squad."

"We know that," said Connie, "That's why we're making you the head cheerleader! Congratulations."

"Oh my god!" said Meg, "Thank you! Thank you! I promise I'll be a better cheerleader than Kim Possible! Well, before she became a psycho."

**Cutaway**

Dr. Drakken was innocently doing some grocery shopping in a local grocery store. He is then suddenly approached by Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable.

"Kim Possible?" asked Drakken, "W-what are you doing here?"

"Why are you stealing produce Drakken?" asked Kim menacingly.

"I'm just shopping!" said Drakken, "I don't have any produce."

"Oh yeah? Than what's that?" asked Kim as she tossed an apple into Drakken's hands.

"Oh god! Please don't!" shouted Drakken as Kim began to beat the holy hell out of him.

"Kim Stop!" said Ron, "You're going to far!"

"Shut up, big ears!" said Kim, "Do you want to go back in the box? Huh? Do you?!"

"No! Please, not the box!" pleaded Ron, "Anything but the box! Anywhere but there!"

Ron began to cry and suck his thumb like a baby.

"I thought so!" said Kim as continued to beat up Drakken.

**End Cutaway**

The next night, everybody was seated at the high school football.

"God, the home team sucks," said Maddie, "When do we see mom perform?"

"Maddie, that's a terrible thing to say," said Lois, "These kids work very hard to play their best and-"

"And James Woods High fumbles yet again!" said the game announcer.

"My god, you're right. They do suck," said Lois.

"You know a football game sucks when the only thing to look forward to is Meg," said Peter.

"...That and watching the Patriots win all the time," muttered Zack.

"What did you say?" asked Peter.

"YOU HEARD ME!!" shouted Zack, "IN FACT, I'M GLAD THE GIANTS WON!!"

"WHO SAID THAT?" shouted an audience member.

"He did!" said Zack pointing to a random member of the audience, "Let's get him!"

Everybody else then proceeds to beat the living crap out of the guy.

"Thank god the first half is over," said Lois.

"Agreed," said Jillian, "I haven't been through this much suckage since High School."

"What about last night?" asked Chris.

"Huh?" asked Lois.

"UH, by that I mean we watched Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo," said Chris, "Yup... The only thing funny about that movie is the title. Wait, the title's not even funny either."

"Look!" said Maddie as the cheerleaders came out, "It's mom! MOM!! MOM!! LOOKITME!! LOOKITME!! MOMOMOMOMOM!! LOOKLOOKLOOKLOOK!! "

"Hi sweetie!" said Meg as she waved to Maddie.

"Hi, mom!" said Maddie as she turned to Stewie, "I'm friends with the head cheerleader."

Meg and the other cheerleaders began to form a pyramid. Meg was on top and had a megaphone in hand.

"Give me a Q!" she shouted.

"Q!" everybody shouted.

"Give me a U!"

"U!"

"Give me an A!"

"A!"

"Give me a-" she said before the field suddenly burst into flames. The other cheerleader panicked and ran as did everybody in the audience. All except for Meg and her family.

"What the hell?" asked Zack, "The field's on fire!"

"Yeah, notice how it happened exactly when the team's losing?" asked Peter, "What a bunch of cowards..."

"She'll burn if we don't get her out of there!" said Lois.

"Oh don't worry," said a voice behind them, "I won't let her burn."

Zack turns around to see Lucifer sitting behind them.

"Lucifer?" asked Meg.

"You know him?" asked Zack.

Brian begins to sniff him a little and then growls angrily like a real dog would.

"I sense a demon presence from this guy!" said Brian.

"Correct you are, dog," said Lucifer, "It's not often that people notice that I'm the DEVIL!"

"The Devil!" asked Peter, "Watch out! He's from New Jersey!"

"New Jer-? No, you idiot! I'm from hell!" said Lucifer, "And Meg is coming with me! We must prepare for the wedding."

"Wedding? What are you talking about?" asked Meg.

"Perhaps you should've read the fine print in my contract," said Lucifer as he poofed it into his hands.

"Contract?" asked Zack, "You sold your soul to the devil??"

"Yes, and now that she's head cheerleader, her soul is my property," said Lucifer, "As as such, she becomes my bride for all eternity."

"Hi there. Stewie Griffin. Big fan," said Stewie, "I don't normally do this, but can I have your autograph?"

"Of course. To my number one fan, Stewie, signed Lucifer Satin," said Lucifer as he wrote on a sheet of paper, "And remember, stay out of school and do all the drugs you can!"

"Will do, Mr. Satan!" said Stewie.

"Meg how could you?" asked Lois, "Selling your soul to the devil like that! What kind of example are you setting for your daughter?"

"You need to be taught a lesson!" said Peter, "And an eternity of hell with this guy ought set you straight

"Peter!" said Lois.

"He's right, Meg. I think you should come with me," said Lucifer.

"No! I'm not going!" said Meg as Maddie held onto her leg tightly.

"Oh come now," said Lucifer, "I'm sure you'll grow to love hell. After all, you have all eternity to."

"Over my dead body!" said Zack as he got in front of his family.

"Yeah!" said Peter, "Over his dead body!"

Zack then pointed his shotgun into Lucifer's face.

"Don't think I won't kill you!" said Zack.

"Oh, please. As if mortal weapons can actually harm me," said Lucifer as he then snapped his fingers and turned Zack's gun into a snake.

"AHHH!! EW SNAKE!! SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!!" shouted Zack as he dropped the snake that turned back into a gun.

"Oh! That was awesome!" said Stewie, "Now change Lois into a thousand crawling maggots!"

"This is getting irksome," said Lucifer, "I'll give Meg 24 hours to say goodbye to her family and then she goes straight to hell."

"And what if we refuse to give her to you?" asked Maddie.

"Then you'll all go to hell with her," said Lucifer, "I'll be waiting..."

He then disappears in flames and the football field goes back to normal. The very next day, the family was trying to figure out what to do. Meg, however was trying to cherish her last moments with her daughter.

"It's too bad that I'll never get to see you grow up," said Meg, "I don't want to go to hell!"

"I don't want you to go to hell either, mom," said Maddie as she cried in her mother's lap.

"We all don't want you to go, right everybody?" asked Zack.

The rest of the family just looked at him in silence.

"I SAID right everybody?" said Zack as he cocked his shotgun.

Everybody then started to quickly agree.

"Brian, did you find anything in the contract?" asked Lois.

"Nothing," said Brian, "No loopholes, no nothing."

"Yeah, that contract's tighter than spinning chrome rims on a Dodge," said Chris.

"Then I guess that's it then," said Meg, "Maddie, I want you to be a very brave girl. Don't cry for mommy."

"Okay..." said Maddie as she cried a little.

At that moment, the doorbell rang. Peter answers and there stands Death.

"Hey, is Meg home," said Death.

"Is it time?" asked Meg.

"Oh no," said Death, "Your car accident was scheduled for tomorrow but because of the current circumstances..."

"WHAT?" asked Meg.

"HAHAHAHA!! I can't believe you fell for that!" said Death, "No this is about Lucifer. I know how you can get ownership of your soul back."

"Why are you helping us?" asked Peter, "Isn't Lucifer one of your bosses?"

"Yeah, but the thing is, I HATE him,!" said Death, "He's an ass! I'm still pissed at what he made me do to Heath Ledger. Do you have have any idea what that could do to a possible Dark Knight sequel?"

"So, how do we do it?" asked Zack.

"One of you has to beat the Devil in a game," said Death, "The catch is that you have to wager your soul."

"Is that all?" asked Zack, "That should be easy enough."

"I wouldn't bet on it," said Death, "He's never lost a challenge, ever. Still, this is the only way you can get Meg's soul back."

"Zack, you can't do this!" said Meg.

"I have to," said Zack, "When Lucifer comes, I'll be ready!"

Later that night, Meg's 24 hours were up. The Devil was coming for her soul. Lucifer than appeared in a burst of flames.

"Meg, it's time," said Lucifer.

"You do know we have a door!" said Lois as she put out the flames with a fire extinguisher.

"Lucifer, I'm challenging you to a contest!" said Zack, "Winner gets Meg's soul."

"And what if you lose?" asked Lucifer.

"You can have my soul as well," said Zack.

"Agreed, but we'll play whatever game I choose," said Lucifer.

"Sure, I can play anything," said Zack.

"Checkers."

"Except that."

"What are you talking about," said Peter, "Checkers is easy."

"I stink at checkers!" said Zack.

"You can't be that bad," said Lois.

"I'll put it this way," said Zack, "I couldn't even beat Jillian at a game of checkers when she has one piece left."

"...I'm so doomed!" said Meg.

Zack and Lucifer began to play their game of checkers. Lucifer was good and like Zack said, he was lousy at the game. Almost every turn, his piece was jumped. This would keep continuing until he only had one piece left.

"Your move, Zackary," said Lucifer, "Although at this point, you might as well give up.

"I would, but then I wouldn't be able to do THIS!" said Zack as he jumped 3 of Lucifer's pieces.

"What?" asked Lucifer.

"But you said you were bad at the game!" said Peter.

"Like I could really lose to Jillian!" said Zack.

"You were bluffing?" said Lucifer.

"I suppose I was," said Zack, "Your move."

The tables then turned. Zack began to take Lucifer's pieces with only one piece. Lucifer was down to his last 3 pieces.

"This is it, Zack!" said Lois, "You could win this game!"

Zack then jumps 2 of Lucifer's pieces.

"What do you have to say to that, Luci?" asked Zack.

"Yoink!" said Lucifer as he jumped Zack's last piece.

"Oh crap..." said Zack.

"YES!!" said Lucifer, "IN YOUR FACE, LOSER!!"

"You... you lost!" said Meg.

"How could this happen?" asked Zack, "It was the perfect position!"

"You remember the deal," said Lucifer, "Both of you come with me."

"Well Maddie, I guess this is it," said Zack, "I want you to be good to grandma and grandpa."

"Goodbye, Maddie," said Meg, "Remember that we'll always love you."

Meg and Zack then walked away towards Lucifer. Maddie then begins to cry at the thought that she had lot both of her parents forever. Then she gets an idea.

"Wait!" said Maddie, "I can save them!"

"No, you cannot," said Peter, "You just have to accept that they're gone."

"No! I can save them!" said Maddie, "Lucifer, I challenge you to a contest! I'm putting my soul on the line!"

"Maddie, are you crazy?" asked Lois.

"Well, this is getting interesting," said Stewie.

"A child? To challenge ME?" asked Lucifer, "Okay, then little girl. I'll let YOU pick the game. What'll it be? Chutes and Ladders? Candyland? Oh what else do kids play these days? Russian Roulette?"

"I'm thinking of a number between one and 23," said Maddie, "Try to guess it."

"Is that all?" asked Lucifer.

"That's it," said Maddie.

"You know, I don't have a child's soul, yet, since they're innocent by default when they die," said Lucifer, "I accept. is it 6?"

"No."

"1?"

"No."

"20?"

"Cold"

"21?"

"Getting warmer..."

"22?"

"Warmer..."

"I got it!" said Lucifer, "It's 23?"

"Are you sure?" asked Maddie.

"Positive," said Lucifer.

"Close... But you're WRONG!" said Maddie.

"What?" asked Lucifer, "You tricked me! That's cheating!"

"I didn't cheat," said Maddie, "The answer isn't 22 or 23?"

"But you said I was close," said Lucifer.

"You were," said Maddie, "It's 22... And a half! You lose! Now give me back my parents!"

"I... I never lose... Fine," said Lucifer, "They're free to go... But we will meet again, little girl!"

With that, Lucifer returned to the depths of hell where he belonged, leaving Zack and Meg on Earth.

"Maddie, you did it!" said Meg as she hugged her, "You saved us!"

"Hard to believe that Satan himself could be outsmarted by a little girl," said Zack, "That's gotta hurt his ego alot."

"Well I think we all safely say thank god that nightmare's over" said Peter.

"Agreed," said Meg, "Tomorrow, I'm quitting the cheerleading squad. That was why we were in this mess in the first place."

"I hope you learned a valuable lesson from this," said Lois, "Some things just aren't worth selling your soul over."

"Agreed," said Peter, "How about we watch some good old fashioned TV?"

"Yeah, TV sounds good," said Zack as the family sat to watch TV. The TV, however goes black and smoke comes from the back.

"Damnit!" said Peter as he banged on the broken TV, "Man, I'd sell my soul for a good working TV right about now!"

Everyone then gave Peter and angry glare.

"I'm only kidding!" said Peter as he shrugged his shoulders. Everything then fades to black. Everything fades in again as we now see Peter and the rest of the family sitting on what appears to be TV show set.

"Hi, I'm Peter Griffin," said Peter, "On today's chapter we dealt with a very touchy subject."

"Today, I had a very close encounter with the Devil," said Meg, "Some people may have found that offensive since the Devil is often used in religion."

"And as such we'd like to apologize to a certain religious group who may have found that offensive... Satanists," said Peter, "We are very sorry for wrongfully portraying your hero in a way and meant no offense. We just couldn't afford a red devil suit is all. Well, we hope you enjoyed this chapter and goodnight."

"...Peter, we were supposed to apologize to the Christians," said Lois.

"In fact, I think we just made them madder," said Zack.

"...Whoops," said Peter.

**End Chapter.**


	8. Friends Forever

**Chapter 7: Friends Forever**

Peter was lying down on the couch taking a nap, when Maddie walks up to him holding a piece of paper.

"Grandpa? Where's dad?" asked Maddie, "I need to ask him something."

"Hang on a sec," said Peter as he got up. Zack rises from underneath him, gasping for air.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Zack, "Didn't you hear me scream 'GET THE HELL OFF ME?'"

"You know what's funny?" asked Peter, "This is how we both met?"

"Yep, and the smell of gas, cheese and cheap cologne is still there," said Zack.

"I will not allow you to speak ill of "Ode de Wookie" said Peter.

"Anyway, what did you want, sport?" asked Zack.

"I need you to sign this," said Maddie as she handed him a sheet of paper.

"A permission slip for a field trip?" asked Zack, "Meg get in here!"

"What is it?" asked Meg as she walked into the living room.

"Look at this," said Zack, "Maddie wants us to sign this field trip permission slip."

"Absolutely not," said Meg, "She's only a preschooler. They shouldn't take field trips."

"But it's to the chocolate factory," said Maddie, "You have to let me go!"

"Maddie, let me tell you a story," said Zack, "My brother, Jack, once took a field trip in first grade and do you know where it was to? The knife factory."

"But you don't have a brother named Jack," said Maddie.

"Exactly," said Zack.

"...No, you never had a brother at all," said Meg.

"She wasn't supposed to know that!" said Zack.

"You should let her go," said Lois, "I signed Stewie's permission slip."

"And that's a big mistake," said Zack, "A permission slip is just a fancy word for waver. What if something happens to him? You can't sue the school!"

"Besides, Maddie is too young to be taking field trips anyway," said Meg, "I mean what if she falls into a vat of chocolate?"

"Then you'd have a very sweet daughter! Hehehehehe!" laughed Peter as he got angry glares from Meg and Zack, "What? It was a funny and clever pun! Geez, you guys need to grow a funny bone."

"The only way you're going is if your father and I go with you," said Meg.

"But you still go to school!" said Maddie, "And dad goes to work!"

"Then you just can't go," said Meg.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" shouted Maddie, "Why do you guys have to baby me so much?"

"Because you ARE a baby," said Meg.

"But you guys go too far!" said Maddie, "Remember last winter?"

**Flashback.**

Maddie is about to take a step outside when Meg stops her.

"Hold it right there," said Meg, "It's too cold outside, wear a coat."

"I already have one," said Maddie.

"Well here's a thicker one," said Meg as she put it on her, "And wear these mittens so your hands won't freeze in the snow, and these snow shoes so you can't trip and fall, and these goggles so you don't get snow in your eyes, and this scarf so you'll stay warm, and this hat so your head stays warm. Are you going to have snowball fights?"

"Yes," said Maddie.

"Then wear this football helmet," said Meg as she put it on her, "It will protect your head."

"But mom, it's only snow!" said Maddie.

"But what if somebody puts a rock in it?... or a knife?" asked Meg, "Better safe than sorry. Have fun."

Meg then goes back to the couch. Maddie just stands there in front of the door, unable to move because of all the equipment Meg gave her. She then falls over on the floor, stuck.

"Crap..." she mutters to herself.

**End Flashback**

"And dad's no better, either," said Maddie.

**Flashback**

Lois is walking up to Maddie in her room who has a bad cold.

"I know you aren't feeling so well, so I made you a nice bowl of chicken soup," said Lois, "It even has letters in them."

"Thanks grandma," said Maddie as Lois was about to hand her the bowl.

"Hold on a second," said Zack as he entered the room, "What is this?"

"This? It's just chicken soup," said Lois.

"You sure it's not poisoned?" he asked.

"No, I made it from this can," said Lois as she showed him a can of Campbell's chicken soup.

"What's in it?" asked Zack, "I don't want her getting even sicker. Read the ingredients."

"I don't think I have to-" she said before Zack pointed his shotgun into her face.

"I SAID READ IT!!" shouted Zack.

"AHH! Um, let's see... Chicken stock," said Lois nervously, "W-water, cooked chicken meat... ferrous sulfate..."

"What the hell is that? Some kind of toxin of some sort?" asked Zack, "ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON MY DAUGHTER?"

"NO NO!!" begged Lois, "ferrous sulfate is just iron."

"IRON?" shouted Zack, "YOU TRYING TO GIVE HER METAL POISONING?!"

"NO!! Ferrous sulfate provides the iron needed by the body to produce red blood cells!" shouted Lois as she began to cry uncontrollably.

"Oh..." said Zack, "Okay Maddie, you can eat the chicken soup."

"Are you alright, grandma?" asked Maddie.

Lois then runs out of the room, sobbing.

"...Can you make me some chicken soup?" asked Zack.

"It'll be ready in a few minutes," she said in between sobs.

**End Flashback**

"Sorry about that, Lois," said Zack.

"Oh you don't have to apologize," said Lois, "I mean, the way you had that shotgun in my face and started screaming at me. The way my heart began racing at the thought of you pulling the trigger... God, that was just too sexy!"

Are... Are you serious?" asked Zack.

"You guys have to let me go," said Maddie, "Every other kid in my class is going."

"If every other kid jumped off a cliff, would you?" asked Meg.

"I know YOU would just to fit in," said Peter.

"Your father's right, Meg," said Lois, "Stop being such a hypocrite."

"I am so NOT being a hypocrite," said Meg before the phone rang, "Hello?"

"Hey, Meg it's Connie," said Connie from the other line, "Listen, all the cool kids and I are gonna go jump off a cliff."

"Really? I'm so there!" said Meg, "This could be my chance to finally fit in!"

Everybody else in the room just stares at Meg.

"Let's sign the permission slip," said Meg.

The next day outside the preschool, all the kids are lining up for the bus.

"I got my parents to sign my permission slip," said Maddie. "Did you get your mom to sign yours?"

"I did," said Tilly, "But it wasn't easy."

**Flashback**

Tilly is holding her permission slip in hand thinking to herself.

_"I need this signed,"_ she thought, _"But I can't let her know it's for a field trip. She'll never let me go. I'll have to try something else."_

Tilly then walks to her mother who is watching TV.

"Hi Tilly," said Jillian, "I'm just watching this brand new show called Bewitched. I've never seen it before."

"Bewitched?" asked Tilly, "Brand new?"

"Yes and it's unique, too!" said Jillian, "Unlike all the other shows, this one is in black and white! That's so new and it's never been done before!"

"..." Tilly just stared at her mother. Surely, nothing this stupid could've given birth to her. CJ? That was a given, but not her.

"Anyway, what's that in your hand?" asked Jillian.

"Oh this?" asked Tilly, "I just wanted your autograph."

"Okay then," said Jillian, "J-I- upside down 7, upside down 7, 1, N. There you go."

"Yes!" Tilly whispered to herself.

"Hey, mom," said CJ, "Can you sign my permission slip? It's to the chocolate factory."

"Of course, CJ," said Jillian, "It's nice that you kids can go on fun field trips. Where's your permission slip, Tilly?"

Tilly then falls over, anime style.

**End Flashback**

"I think it's because I was born a brunette," said Tilly.

Mrs. Lockheart then takes all the kids' permission slips.

"Alright, class," said Mrs. Lockheart, "For the field trip, I'm going to use a buddy system. I will pair off two students together. Tilly, you'll be paired off with your brother CJ."

"Hey!" complained Tilly, "We may be fraternal twins, but we're not conjoined by the head!"

CJ walks by and falls over on Tilly. When they get up, their heads are both stuck together.

"What the-? What's this?" asked Tilly.

"Sorry sis," said CJ, "I had gum in my hair."

"Oh joy..." grimaced Tilly.

"Stewie, I'm going to have you paired off with..." said Mrs. Lockheart.

"Oh, it's already painfully obvious," said Stewie, "Maddie and I are like two peas in a pod."

"Oh, no Stewie," said Mrs. Lockheart, "I'm pairing you off with Bertram."

"What?" asked Stewie, "I refuse to be with that maniac!"

"Likewise!" said Bertram, "I'm not going to be a 'buddy' to a guy who eats kitty litter."

"I SAID I WAS CURIOUS!" shouted Stewie.

"Fine," said Mrs. Lockheart, "Then you both can't go."

"Fine. I suppose a truce is in order," said Stewie.

"Agreed," said Bertram, "Let's shake on it."

As they both shook hands, they both had their fingers crossed.

"What about me, Mrs. Lockheart?" asked Maddie, "Please don't pair me off with the kid who eats his own boogers."

"I'm going to have you paired off with Olivia," said Mrs. Lockheart.

"WHAT?!" asked Maddie and Olivia in unison.

"You can't pair me off with that big nosed whackjob!" said Olivia, "She's nuts!"

"Why are you punishing me?" asked Maddie.

"Maddie, this isn't a punishment," said Mrs. Lockheart, "I think it's very sad that you two aren't best friends."

"Best friends?!" asked Olivia, "I wouldn't be caught dead being her friend if she was mentally retarded!"

"And I wouldn't be friends with you if you were crippled," said Maddie as she picked up a brick, "Allow me to demonstrate!"

"That's enough!" said Mrs. Lockheart as she snatched the brick away, "Either you two get along, or you both can't go!"

"Mrs. Lockheart, do we have to sit with our partners on the bus?" asked Olivia.

"No, you don't," said Mrs. Lockheart.

"Good!" said Olivia, "I'm sitting in the back. Maybe I won't get infested with freakitis."

"I'll show you who's the freak..." Maddie muttered to herself.

Meanwhile, back at the Griffin home Meg rushes into the house, slams the door shut and locks it.

"Meg, what are you doing home from school early?" asked Lois.

"It's Neil Goldman!" said Meg, "He's stalking me again!"

"Really?" asked Zack, "Doesn't he know that you're a wife and mother now?"

"He does!" said Meg, "He called me a MILF!"

"MILF? What the heck is that?" asked Zack before Meg whispered into his ear. His eyes then widen, "THAT LITTLE F(bleep)KER!!"

"Really?" asked Peter, "Wow... Zack, I think you might need to play Hitler and break a Jewish boy's legs."

"No!" said Meg, "I don't want you to hurt him... yet."

"Then what can we do?" asked Zack, "He doesn't take no for an answer. I might have to beat some sense into that boy."

"I'll call Maddie for advice," said Meg as she was about to grab the phone.

"Wait a minute!" said Zack as he took the phone, "You don't ask a baby for advice."

"Sometimes I do," said Peter, "Stewie once taught me how to tell shapes and colors."

"Neil Goldman isn't even stalking you is he?" asked Lois, "You skipped school so you can check on Maddie!"

"I want to make sure my baby is okay!" said Meg, "What if the bus rolls over or the boogeyman gets her?"

"No, I'm right here," said the Boogeyman from outside the window, "I'm not gonna get her. I'm in rehab, getting over my addiction to child meat and my other fear."

Zack then turns on a Thriller music video on TV. The Boogeyman screams and runs away.

"JACKSON!! JACKSON!!" he screamed, "LEAVE MY ASS ALONE!!"

"Weird.. Anyway, this is exactly what Maddie was talking about," said Lois. "You guys are too overprotective of her. I'm sure she's just fine."

Meanwhile, the kids are at the Happy Go Lucky(sounds familiar?) Chocolate factory in a single filed line being lead by the tour guide.

"And this, kids, is where all the chocolate is processed," said the tour guide, "The chocolate is then packaged and distributed to stores all around the country where millions of people buy our delectable chocolates."

"Millions you say?" asked Stewie, "Why that's perfect!"

"Now follow me kids so you can all have free samples," said the tour guide.

The kids all then cheer and trample the tour guide to get to the free chocolate... All except for Stewie who sneaks away from the group and looks over a large vat of chocolate. He pulls out a vial of chemicals, and begins to pour it into the chocolate.

"With this mind control serum, I will enslave the country in no time," said Stewie.

"Aha!" said Bertram, "What are you doing away from the group?"

"Huh? Well.. uh... I was... Wait a minute!" said Stewie, "What are YOU doing away from the group?"

"Nothing?" said Bertram as he hid something behind his back.

"Is that mind control serum?" asked Stewie, "You were planning to control the country!"

"Yeah well, so were you!" said Bertram.

"Perhaps we're thinking of this the wrong way," said Stewie, "Perhaps we could rule the country together."

"Agreed," said Bertram, "Let's shake on it."

"What's going on?" asked Olivia as she came into the room, "You two idiots were supposed to be with the group. You're making us miss chocolate!"

Stewie and Bertram then look at each other a little bit and then at Olivia. A little later, Stewie and Bertram run to the rest.

"Help! Help!" said Stewie, "Olivia wandered off and fell into a vat of chocolate!"

"We had NOTHING to do with it!" said Bertram.

The rest then run to the catwalk and see Olivia stuck in a vat of chocolate.

"Mrs. Lockheart! Anybody! Help me!" screamed Olivia.

"Oh my god! Olivia! I have to do something," said Mrs. Lockheart, "I have to save her!"

Mrs. Lockheart then begins to take off her blouse to jump into the chocolate.

"Yeah baby! Take it off!" shouted one of the employees.

"I'd like to lick some chocolate off of her!" said another employee.

"Yeah, get those melons dirty with some chocolate baby!" said another.

"...Maybe not," said Mrs. Lockheart as she quickly put her blouse back on.

Olivia then begins to go under as chocolate bubbles begin to form above her.

"Oh my god!" said Tilly, "She's gonna drown!"

"No she won't!" said CJ, "That only works with water, stupid!"

Maddie then leaps into the vat of chocolate. After being under for about a few seconds, she rises up with Olivia limping in her arms and swims out.

"Is she breathing?" asked CJ.

"No!" said Maddie.

"Maddie, you're going to have to give her the breath of life!" said Mrs. Lockheart.

"Breath of life? What's that?" asked Maddie before her teacher whispered into her ear, "EWW!! NO FREAKING WAY! I HATE HER!!"

"I don't think you have much of a choice," said Tilly, "Can you really live with yourself knowing that you killed Olivia?"

"...At least her lips have chocolate on them," said Maddie as she took a deep breath and began giving Olivia mouth to mouth CPR. Olivia then slowly begins to regain consciousness and coughs the chocolate out of her system.

"What happened?" asked Olivia, "Was I unconscious? Was a child molester nearby?"

"No," said Mrs. Lockheart, "Maddie saved your life."

"You did?" asked Olivia.

"Yeah, and I suppose you're going to be ungrateful and call me a freak, huh?" asked Maddie, but was given an unexpected hug by Olivia.

"No way! You saved my life!" said Olivia, "I don't know how to thank you!"

"...Weird..." said Maddie.

Later at the Griffin home, Maddie was telling the rest of the family about what happened that day.

"And then I dove into the vat of chocolate and saved Olivia!" said Maddie.

"Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa... whoa... whoa," said Peter, "Your teacher almost swam in chocolate in her underwear? Maddie, how could you? Saving that little girl!"

"Are you hurt?" asked Meg, "Did that chocolate have peanuts in them?"

"Mom, I'm fine," said Maddie, "Anyway, where's Stewie?"

"He's upstairs, playing with his toys," said Lois.

Meanwhile upstairs in Stewie' bedroom, Stewie is on the phone with Bertram discussing their plan for world domination.

"Has the chocolate been distributed, yet?" asked Stewie.

"According to their finely designed website, it has," said Bertram.

"Excellent," said Stewie, "With the entire country eating the tainted chocolate, they'll be under our control."

"Except..." said Bertram.

"Except what?" asked Stewie.

"It says here that somebody ordered all of our chocolate," said Bertram, "It's all going to one person."

"One person?" asked Stewie in frustration, "Who the hell needs 2 tons of chocolate?"

"Hey alright!" said Peter from downstairs as a huge truck pulls in, "My chocolate's here!"

The very next day at the Preschool center, Maddie is about to sit at her usual table with Stewie when she suddenly hears Olivia calling for her.

"Maddie, over here!" said Olivia, "I saved you a seat."

"Umm.. Okay," said Maddie as she sat next to Olivia, "No whoopee cousin or tack? What kind of joke is this?"

"I just wanted you to sit with me," said Olivia, "Anyway, thank you again for saving me. You wanna use my crayons? They have glitter in them."

"Sure," said Maddie, "Thanks."

"CJ, look!" said Tilly, "Do you see that?"

"That bobby pin? Yes! And it's mine!" shouted CJ as he was about to run, but was grabbed by Tilly.

"No! Look at Maddie and Olivia!" said Tilly, "They're sitting WITH each other!"

"So?" asked CJ.

"So? It's weird!" said Tilly, "They're supposed to hate each other."

"It's no big deal," said CJ, "I mean, Stewie and Bertram are sitting with each other."

At Bertram and Stewie's table...

"So now I'm stuck with two tons of chocolate thanks to the fatman," said Stewie.

So, now what?" asked Bertram.

"...Do you think Brian will smear it all over himself?" asked Stewie, "You know, like in an erotic fashion? And then do you think he'll let me lick it off of him slowly? You know, just a thought. A rhetorical question if you will. It's just a random thought that just popped into my head."

"...Let's just sell the chocolate," said Bertram.

Back to CJ and Tilly's table...

"It's like the universe is screwed up," said Tilly.

"I think Olivia is only tolerating Maddie because she saved her life," said CJ, "It's a very normal phase when you have a near death experience, but over time it will wear out."

"...The universe IS screwed up!" said Tilly, "YOU'RE making sense!"

Later on at recess, Maddie is playing on the swings when Olivia walks up to her, smiling.

"Hi, Maddie," said Olivia.

"Um... Hi," said Maddie, "Why are you smiling at me? Do you know something I don't?... Am I dying?"

"No, silly," said Olivia, "I was just wondering if you wanted to come over to my house. I have HDTV and we can watch My Little Pony together."

"No thanks," said Maddie, "I hate My Little Pony."

"Are you sure?" asked Olivia, "It's my Little Pony Xtreme."

**Cutaway**

A bunch of cute little girlish looking ponies were just having a stroll when a bunch of goblins surrounded them.

"Mmmm... Ponies for breakfast," said one of the goblins.

The ponies then unzipped themselves to reveal that they were really muscular manly horsemen carrying AK-47 assault rifles while wearing military gear, shades, and tattoos.

"Goblin swiss cheese for lunch tastes better," said one horse in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent as he cocked his rifle.

"...Oh sh(bleep)t" said the goblin.

**End Cutaway**

"That sounds cool, I guess," said Maddie.

"Great, you can ride with my mom when she picks us up," said Olivia, "See you after school."

Olivia then walks away as Tilly walks to Maddie.

"Totally weird," said Tilly, "Olivia's actually being nice to you."

"Even weirder. Look," said Maddie as she pointed to Olivia beating up a female classmate.

"How dare you call Maddie names, bitch!" she shouted as she kicked her, "I won't let you insult my best friend!"

"Best friend?" asked Tilly.

"Well, Mrs. Lockheart did say that we should be friends," said Maddie, "I should give her a chance. Maybe I'll grow to like it."

One week later...

"God I hate being Olivia's best friend!" said Maddie as she lied down face first on the couch with her mother.

"Why?" asked Meg.

"Why? Because she's nice to me!" said Maddie, "_Too_ nice! Ever since I saved her life, she's been following me around, constantly complimenting me, asking me how I am every five minutes, and giving me gifts! She got me action figures, dolls, toys, and video games."

"So you're going to give them back?" asked Meg.

"Hell no! I got these for free!" said Maddie.

"Language, Maddie," said Meg, "Just tell Olivia that you don't want to be friends with her anymore."

"But I don't want to hurt her feelings," said Maddie.

"You didn't care about her feelings when you covered her in honey and pushed her into an anthill last month," said Meg.

"She deserved it!" said Maddie, "She wrote our phone number in the men's room and wrote down 'Call me if you want a real slut- Maddie'. I got 5 calls that day."

"...When Connie wrote that down, I got none," said Meg.

There is then a sudden knock on the door.

"Maddie?" asked Olivia from outside, "Maddie, are you home?"

"Crap! It's Olivia!" said Maddie, "Tell her... um... Say that I'm dead!"

"I'm not telling her that," said Meg, "I'm not lying to her."

"Then grab dad's gun and KILL ME!" she said, "Can you at least do _that_?"

"I'll just tell her you're not home," said Meg as she answered the door.

"Hi, Maddie's mom," said Olivia, "Is Maddie home?"

"She's not home," said Meg, "She's at a friend's house."

"Oh, I'm sure she's not," said Olivia, "She isn't at _my_ house after all."

Meg and Olivia then laugh a little.

"Oh, gag!" said Maddie from her hiding place as she rolled her eyes.

"Aha!" said Olivia as she found Maddie hiding in the closet, "There you are."

"What do you want?" asked Maddie.

"You want to go see Horton Hears A Who?" asked Olivia, "I hear it's really funny and has Jim Carey. We can have some Swedish Fish while we're there."

"No," said Maddie.

"Not a Jim Carey fan, huh?" she asked, "Okay, we'll go to my house and play doctor."

"No thanks," said Maddie.

"We can go up to your room and play doctor, then," said Olivia, "Because that's what best friends do. They play with each other."

"NO! NO! NO!!" screamed Maddie, "I _DON'T_ WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU! WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I _DON'T_ WANT TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND!! YOU'VE BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY ALL WEEK!!"

"No I'm not, silly," said Olivia, "Best friends don't drive each other crazy."

"WELL YOU _DO_!!" she continued, "I'M SO SICK OF YOU!! YOU KNOW WHAT I'D RATHER BE INSTEAD OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? TIED UP IN CLOSET WITH ROMAN POLANSKI!! ROMAN. FREAKING. POLANSKI. YOU UNDERSTAND _THAT_? NOW LEAVE ME THE F(bleep)CK ALONE OR I'LL BEAT IT INTO YOUR THICK SKULL!!"

"I... I... I just... WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" cried Olivia as she ran out of the house, sobbing.

"Maddie, that was mean!" said Meg.

"I know," said Maddie, "But I had no choice... God, I feel terrible."

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Stewie and Bertram have a huge bag of chocolate and are planning on getting rid of it.

"I say we give it away," said Stewie, "Nobody will pass up free candy."

"I say we sell it," said Bertram, "If we give it away, they'll suspect that it's tainted."

"Hmm, you've just given me a thought," said Stewie, "We don't know if the mind control serum works."

"You're right," said Bertram, "We need a guinea pig."

"Hey guys..." said Maddie sadly as she walked into the kitchen.

"Why hello dear Madeline!" said Stewie, "You look rather sad. Would you care for some chocolate?"

"Yeah! It'll make you feel much better!" said Bertram, "Just ask all the chocoholics."

"Hey, I'm a chocoholic," said Maddie, "I loves me some chocohol!"

Maddie then takes a bite out of Stewie and Bertram's chocolate. After finishing the bar, she burps... and then falls onto the ground.

"Um... what just happened?" asked Stewie.

Bertram then runs up to Maddie and checks her pulse.

"She's dead, Jim- er, I mean Stewie," said Bertram.

"How do you suppose that happened?" asked Stewie.

"I'm guessing our mind control serums had different properties," said Bertram, "Combining them must've created a poison."

"Oh dear god!" said Stewie, "The long haired one will have our hides if he finds out!"

"Wait, I feel a pulse," said Bertram, "We just need to jumpstart her back to life."

Olivia then bursts through the kitchen door.

"Stand back!" said Olivia as she began to give Maddie mouth to mouth CPR. Maddie then began coughing the poison out of her system.

"What happened?" asked Maddie.

"...Um, you fell," said Stewie.

"Also, Olivia just saved your life," said Bertram.

"Really? Wow," said Maddie, "I guess it was a good thing you knew CPR."

"...What's CPR- Um, I mean yeah, CPR...," lied Olivia.

"Olivia, I'm sorry about what I said earlier," said Maddie.

"No, I'm sorry," said Olivia, "I guess I was going a little too far with the whole best friend thing. Since I saved your life, I guess that makes us even then."

"Yeah, I guess," said Maddie, "...I guess we have to go back to hating each other again, huh?"

"Maddie, I'm sick of fighting," said Olivia, "I think it's time we buried the hatchet and started over. The time I spent with you all week made me see that you're an interesting person and I want us to be friends. What do you say?"

"..." Maddie thought for a moment, "You wanna see Horton Hears A Who? I hear it has Jim Carey in it."

"I'd love to," said Olivia as she and Maddie walked away.

"Why the hell can't WE be like that?" asked Bertram.

"Because you have Dick Cheney on your MySpace friends list! That's why," said Stewie.

12 years later, in a middle school hallway, Maddie walks up to a now teenaged Olivia holding a wrapped box behind her back.

"Hi, Maddie," said Olivia, "What's that behind your back."

"This?" asked Maddie, "It's just an anniversary present. 12 years ago on this very day, we became friends."

"That's right," said Olivia, "What is it?"

"You'll be surprised," said Maddie.

"I would've bought you something if I knew. Oh, I wonder what it-" said Olivia before a pie hit her in the face, "DAMMIT, MADDIE!! YOU DO THIS EVERY YEAR!!"

"And you still fall for it every year, too!" laughed Maddie as she was being chased by Olivia across the halls.

"MY HAIR IS RUINED!! OH, JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!" screamed Olivia.

As you can see, while some things may change, other things just seem to stay the same...

**End Chapter.**


	9. Totem So

**Chapter 9: Totem So**

It was a nice and sunny morning in Spooner Street. It wasn't too hot, and it wasn't too cold. It was the perfect weather to plant flowers, and that was exactly what Lois Griffin was doing. As Lois was tending to her garden, her granddaughter, Madeline, walked to her, sighed, and laid down on the grass.

"What's wrong, Maddie?" asked Lois.

"I am SOOOOOOOO bored!" said Maddie.

"Why don't you play with Stewie?" asked Lois.

"No, he's playing house with Brian," said Maddie.

Meanwhile upstairs, Brian is surrounded by evil zombies and monsters.

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE WERE PLAYING HOUSE!!" screamed Brian.

"We are," said Stewie, "House of the DEAD! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Back outside...

"Then why don't you help me with the gardening?" asked Lois, "You can help me plant these lovely tulips."

"They look pretty," said Maddie, "What do I do?"

"You can start by digging some holes," said Lois.

"Okie dokie!" said Maddie as she walked into the garage and came back dragging a large shovel.

"Maddie, you don't need a shovel," said Lois, "I have a trovel you can use."

"It's okay, Lois," said Peter as he and Zack walked into the yard, "She needs to do manual labor if she wants to please her man. It prepares her for doing all the unimportant things in life such as being a mother."

"So what are you up to, squirt?" asked Zack

"Diggin' a hole" said Maddie as she was struggling to get the shovel up.

"Why don't you let me dig the first hole for you," said Zack as he began to dig, but then he hit something.

"What the hell was that?" asked Peter.

"I think you hit something," said Lois.

"It's probably just a stupid rock," said Zack as he continued digging. He then reveals a bit of a stone face, "AAAH!! Um, I mean, aha! I've found something!"

Zack digs up the rest of the item to reveal that he had dug up a stone head.

"Whoa, what it that?" asked Meg as she, Chris, and Brian walked outside. Brian was carrying a severed rotting arm.

"What's that?" asked Peter.

"Nothing," said Brian as he tossed the arm away.

"Dad found it," said Maddie.

"Oh! I know what it is!" said Chris, "It's ummm... Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...," Zack then snapped his fingers, "Huh? Oh! It's a totem head! I remember seeing them when I went to South America. Meg, you remember when we went to South America, right?"

Meg then remembers how the family had left her, when she had those poisoned darts in her back, and when she fell face first in the water.

"I don't want to talk about it," said Meg.

"It looks ancient," said Brian, "And it's carved in stone. It must've been left behind by those tribesmen of that Native American chief Peter dug up."

"It looks just like my Uncle Teddy," said Zack, "He was so ugly that he could only date werewolves."

"Really?" asked Lois, "I'm sorry to hear that."

"You should really apologize to my cousins Fido and Rufus," said Zack "So how much do you think this thing's worth?"

"Zack, that's a sacred item to those people," said Brian, "You shouldn't desecrate it by selling it... But I'd estimate about 500,000."

"..." Zack looked in astonishment, "Meg, bring me a towel and some fresh pants."

Later at the dinner table, Zack has the totem head in the middle of the table while everybody is trying to eat their dinner.

"Zack, can you please get that thing off the table?" asked Meg, "It looks so creepy."

"Are you kidding?" asked Zack, "This head is our ticket to wealth!"

"Yeah," said Peter, "With all that money, I can finally buy that robot from lost in space."

**Cutaway**

"Alright robot," said Peter, "Since you're my property now, do that thing where you flail your arms screaming: Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!"

"I told you for the hundredth time, meatbag, my name's Bender!" said Bender from Futurama, "I'm not that queer ass robot from Lost in Space!"

"...I'll give you money," said Peter.

"Danger, Will Robinson, danger!" shouted Bender, "For 50 bucks extra, I'll throw in a C3PO impression. Did you know he's a closet homo?"

Peter, being a huge Star Wars fan, had only one thing to say:

"Really?" he asked.

**End Cutaway**

"Oh, that robot from Lost in Space," chuckled Peter, "He's such a card!"

"Well you can forget it because none of you Griffins are getting a damn dime!" said Zack, "Murdocks only!"

"Why?" asked Meg, "Don't you want to share it with the rest of the family?"

"You two ARE my family," said Zack, "Besides, these vultures would leave YOU out of the cut if they found money."

"That's not true!" said Lois.

"Yeah!" said Peter, "We'd share our money with Bill."

"Meg," said Lois.

"Point proven," said Zack, "Anyway, just think about it. We'll be able to buy our own house and live on our own as a real family. With our own place, we can even try to have that second baby."

"Really? Then let's do it!" said Meg in excitement.

"I really don't think you should sell that thing," said Brian.

"And why not?" asked Zack.

"Because those things usually come with a curse," said Brian.

"You're telling me you believe in curses?" asked Zack, "There's no such thing!"

Zack's chair collapses and he lands on his back. Zack slowly gets up and brushes himself off.

"Zack, are you okay?" asked Meg.

"I'm fine," said Zack, "This leg broke off."

"Weird," said Brian, "It doesn't look like it's been cut or broke. It's like it fell off on it's own."

"You don't think..." said Lois.

"Nah, it's probably just shoddy workmanship," said Peter, "Just like a lot of other American made products."

(A/N: No offense to America, which I am proud to call my home.)

"Anyway, I think it's time we hit the sack," said Zack as he and Meg went upstairs.

"Do you think that thing is really cursed?" asked Lois.

"It's probably just a coincident," said Peter, "Tomorrow should be just another normal day."

The next morning, a loud scream woke the house. This especially terrified Meg and Zack as the scream had belonged to their daughter.

"Oh my god!" panicked Meg, "My baby!"

Everybody then ran into her room as she was under the covers.

"What's wrong?" asked Lois, "Did somebody break into your room?"

"Worse!" said Maddie as she lifted the covers off her head to reveal that her head was bald and her hair was all over her crib.

"Oh good lord!" said Meg.

"How did this happen?" asked Zack.

"I don't know!" said Maddie, "I woke up, surrounded by my own hair! I look like a basketball!"

"Oh that's not true, honey," said Lois, "Isn't that right, Peter?"

"Yeah, your grandmother's right," said Peter, "...You look like a big penis with a face."

"PETER!" said Lois.

"I say. What is all the fuss ab- AHH!!" shouted Stewie as he awoke to the site of Maddie, "Good lord! You look like you got into a fight with a lawn mower and bowling ball polisher... and lost!"

"Man, I haven't been this freaked out since I saw those commercials with that tiger," said Maddie.

**Flashback**

A little unnamed boy and his unnamed sister walk into a kitchen.

"What should we have for breakfast?" asked the boy.

"Waffles!" said the girl.

"Pop Tarts!" said the boy.

"How about some Frosted Flakes?" asked Tony the Tiger, "The only sugary flakes that are a part of this complete breakfast!"

"Mmmm! Thanks Tony," said the boy as he and his sister ate their cereal, "But don't you want some breakfast?"

"In a minute," said Tony.

A little later, Tony is walking out of the kitchen with a full belly and his lips covered in blood. He burps up the girl's bow.

"Those kids were GRRRREAT!" said Tony.

**End Flashback**

"Maybe it's part of that curse," said Chris.

"I think it's just a coincident," said Zack.

"Coincident? Or Curse?" said Brian.

"Knock it off," said Zack, "You're not the kind of person who should believes in curses, which do NOT exist by the way."

"Believe me, in all the years I've lived here, I've seen a lot of crazy crap," said Brian.

"Okay, so maybe a giant lobster, evil turkeys, an evil talking cat, an evil talking car, my time traveling daughter, me growing too much hair, my daughter gaining telekinesis, and me and Peter swapping brains can happen," said Zack as he breathed in, "But curses can NOT! Anyway, I'm going to work."

Zack and Peter then go outside to their cars.

"You may wanna be careful," said Peter, "You know, with that curse and all."

"DAMMIT!! THERE IS NO CURSE!" shouted Zack.

At that very moment, a huge fiery comet falls from the sky and crushes Zack's car. The car alarm, surprisingly, still works.

"Well?" asked Peter.

"Well what?" asked Zack, "There's a perfectly logical explanation for that!"

"Like what?" asked Peter.

"Like shut up and let's go to work, that's what!" said Zack as they got in Peter's car.

Later at Pawtucket Brewery, Zack is on his computer working on the shipping orders while Peter is on his computer goofing off as usual.

"Hey Zack. Zack, c'mere," said Peter, "Here's this Youtube Poop I wanna show ya."

"Not now," said Zack, "I need to get these imported beers shipped to Bill Gates or Angela will be at our throats again. Remember when that one guy was destroying all the beer crates?"

**Flashback**

Peter and Zack rush to the loading dock.

"There he is!" said Peter pointing the crate bandit.

They had caught him in the act, smashing beer crates with a sledgehammer. The culprit? Gallagher.

"Knock it off!" shouted Zack.

"Yeah!" said Peter, "Those aren't watermelon crates!"

"But... But it's my shtick!" said Gallagher, "I smash stuff with a sledgehammer including various foods. It's hilarious!"

"No it's not!" said Zack, "You're just wasting food! There are starving children in 3rd world countries!"

Gallagher takes a swipe at the two, but they duck. Zack then pounces on Gallagher and Peter then steals his hammer. Peter then raises his hammer and-

(Scene Missing)

**End Flashback**

"C'mon, it'll only take a minute," said Peter.

"Does it feature Mama Luigi?" asked Zack.

"Yes," said Peter.

"Pass!" said Zack as he continued typing, "They're all the same."

"But you gotta see this!" said Peter.

"I said no!" said Zack.

"Okay then..." said Peter as he went back to his computer.

Zack then receives an e-mail:

_"Can you watch it now?"_

"Peter, I told you to knock it off!"

"Zack, did you get my e-mail?" asked Peter.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!!" shouted Zack.

Zack then receives another e-mail:

_"Did you get my e-mail? You know, the one before this one and not this one. Did you get it? I know you got it."_

"GODDAMMIT! IF YOU DON'T KNOCK IT OFF, I'LL TAKE THIS KEYBOARD AND SHOVE IT FAR UP YOUR ASS!!" shouted Zack as he slammed his fist onto the keyboard.

"Zack, why are you sending that beer to Mexico?" asked Peter as he read his monitor.

"Oh no..." panicked Zack as he looked at the screen, "(bleep)(bleep)(bleep)(quick morse code bleeps)(special information tone)(modem tone)(bleep)(bleep)(high pitched bleeps)(bleep)(Mario 1 death music) ON WHITE BREAD!"

"...Wow..." said Peter.

"What the hell's happening to Bill Gates' package?" asked Angela, "The truck just left and it's going the wrong way!"

"He did it," Peter quickly said as he quickly pointed to Zack.

"Thanks to you, Mexicans are enjoying nice beer instead of the dirty crappy beers we give them!" said Angela, "You're fired!"

Zack looks on in disbelief as Angela leaves the room.

"You should've been paying attention," said Peter as Zack gives Peter a VERY angry look.

(A/N: Once again, no offense to Mexicans.)

Peter and Zack make their way to the house.

"How am I gonna explain this to Meg?" asked Zack.

"You shouldn't worry about it," said Peter, "Besides, you got that Totem head to make you rich, remember?"

"You're right," said Zack, "There's nothing that could make me get rid of that thing."

The two open the door to the house only to be greeted by a very angry Meg wearing a paperbag over her head.

"Zack, you have to get rid of that thing!" shouted Meg, "It's cursed!"

"What's going on?" asked Zack.

"I have fleas!" said Brian as he scratched himself.

"My nose is big!" said Lois as she now kinda looked like a Tucan.

"My head is shaped like a hockey puck!" complained Stewie, "Hockey pucks aren't hilarious!"

"The evil monkey's changed," said Chris.

Upstairs, the evil monkey has now become AiAi from Super Monkey Ball. He smiles and points to Chris as happy piano music plays.

"I'm actually okay with the curse," said Chris.

"I'm still bald!" shouted Maddie.

"And I'm even uglier than I was before!" shouted Meg.

"C'mon, you don't look that bag," said Zack as he removed the paperbag. Meg still looked about the same.

"AHH!!" screamed Peter, "BURN IT TO HELL!! BURN IT!!"

"I don't get it..." said Zack, "You look the same."

"No I don't!" said Meg as she covered her face with her hands, "And it's all because of that stupid Totem head!"

"It can't be!" said Zack, "For the last time, there is NO CURSE!"

As Zack slammed his fist against the wall, his shotgun, which was lying down against the wall goes off. Chris is shot in the chest and begins to fall in slow motion.

_Mmmm whactha say,_

_Mmmm that you only meant well?_

_well of course you did_

_Mmmm whatcha say,_

_Mmmm that its all for the best?_

_Because it is_

_Mmmm whatcha say?_

_Mmmm that it's just what we need_

_you decided this_

_whatcha say?_

_Mmmm what did she say?_

Chris gets up after being shot.

"Good thing I'm wearing a bullet proof vest," said Chris.

"Damn, that thing IS cursed!" said Zack

"We have to get rid of it," said Brian.

"I'm way ahead of you," said Zack as he went upstairs.

"Oh, I hope that'll solve everything," said Lois, "This nose just makes me look so unattractive."

"...I'd still wreck you," said Brian.

"What?" asked Lois.

Before Brian could respond, Zack comes running from upstairs.

"The Totem's gone!" said Zack, "I think somebody stole it!"

"Are you sure?" asked Meg.

"The window was open in our room," said Zack, "Whoever has it, it's THEIR problem now."

"No, it isn't," said Brian, "I was researching that head of yours and it is indeed cursed. According to this, if it is bartered, stolen, or used for self pleasure, you and everyone near you are cursed for life."

Everybody then looks on in horror.

"...I think we were cursed for life before it was stolen, anyway," said Lois sheepishly.

"What do you mean?" asked Zack.

"Well, this morning I... well... nevermind," said Lois, "Just be glad that you didn't touch it."

Later at the Drunken Clam...

"So long story short, we're cursed for life," said Peter.

"I guess that explains why you've got breasts," said Joe.

"Oh, these?" asked Peter as he pointed to his enlarged upper chest, "No, I've always had these. I'm just wearing one of Lois' bras today. It's pretty comfy"

"Then what's your curse?" asked Cleveland.

"Hemmeroids with Tabasco sauce," said Peter.

"Guys, you can sit over here if you want," said Zack from a far away booth, "It's pretty lonely over here."

"Nnnno, we prefer not," said Joe, "It's not you, Zack... it's you."

"C'mon! The curse isn't that bad!" complained Zack.

"Excuse, me. Do you have change for- AHHH!!" shouted an unnamed man as he then exploded for no reason at all.

"These seats are very nice," said Cleveland, "The best part is that there's no curse."

A few days later, Zack and Peter walk into the house.

"Zack, I have great news!" said Lois, "Brian found a way to break the curse."

"It's a long shot," said Brian, "But I'll bet if we bury the totem head back where it was, everything will go back to normal."

"The real problem is... excuse me," said Zack as he sidestepped. Chris then fell from the ceiling in a bathtub.

"Now I know how Mr. Cleveland feels," said Chris.

"The real problem is... excuse me," said Zack as he ducked a flying missile.

"Sorry!" said Stewie from the other room.

"The real problem is that we have to find that head," said Zack, "We don't know who took it."

"I do," said Meg as she handed Zack a book, "I found this in our room."

"Klingon for Dummies?" asked Zack, "Only nerds buy these. I wouldn't even buy these even if I am a big fan of Star Trek... Which is far superior to Star Wars."

"Zack, we've already had a discussion about this," said Peter, "It is not!"

"Zack, I think Neil stole the head," said Meg.

"Then we've gotta get it back, pronto," said Zack, "Just imagine what this curse could do to us in a few years."

**Possible Future.**

Meg had become Ron and is sitting on the couch watching TV.

"Becky, is dinner ready yet?" asked Ron.

"Almost, Ron," said Becky who used to be Zack, "Maddie, it's time to eat."

"Leave me alone!" cried a two year old normal looking Maddie, "I hate my life!"

"Life's been hard for her since she's become a hermaphrodite," sighed Ron.

**End Possible Future**

Later, Meg and Zack are in front of the Goldman house.

"We can get the head back from Neil without violence," said Meg, "So let's put the bat away."

"What bat?" lied Zack as he hid it behind his back.

"Give me that!" said Meg as she grabbed Zack's bat and tossed it into a bush.

"Meg, this boy has caused you nothing but trouble in the past and you DON'T want to go Medieval on his ass?" asked Zack, "I saw that newscast he put on you about the kiss in the helicopter. That alone would make me want to beat him with his own arms!"

"I'm sure if we talk to him, we can get it back," said Meg as she knocked on the door.

"Fine, but if he tries to put the moves on you, I'll beat him up," said Zack.

"Oh hi, Meg," said Neil as he opened the door.

"I'LL F(bleep)CKING KILL YOU!!" shouted Zack.

"Zack, heel!" said Meg.

"Don't treat me like a dog!" said Zack as he began scratching fleas from his hair, "Damnit, Brian!"

"Neil, you have something that belongs to us," said Meg.

"You mean this?" asked Neil as he showed her the totem head.

"That's it!" said Meg, "You have to give it back."

"Why should I?" asked Neil, "This is the only thing I have left of you, before that... that... jackanape stole you from me!"

"No, we found each and fell in love," said Zack, "And then we had a daughter together."

"A daughter that **I** should be raising! Oh, I shall give you such a thrashing!" said Neil as he begins hitting on Zack's chest weakly, "Had enough, swine?"

"Stop it," said Zack, "You're wrinkling my shirt."

"Your cries of agony won't stop me!" said Neil, "I am a fierce beast who will stop at nothing to get his prize back!"

Zack then weakly shoves Neil off of him, causing the pasty faced nerd to fall onto the ground.

"Neil, just give it back," said Meg.

"So... you love him?" asked Neil.

"No DUH!" said Meg, "We've been together for nearly a year!"

"Really? I thought it was longer than that," said Zack.

"Very well," said Neil, "I'll give it back... But only if you give me a goodbye kiss."

"What?" asked Meg, "No way in hell! I'd rather stay cursed!"

"But does everybody else?" asked Zack, "Do it for Maddie at least."

Meg then took a deep breath and sighed. She had to do it.

"Alright, Neil," said Meg, "ONE. But it's on the cheek!"

"Deal," said Neil(heh, that rhymed.)

Meg closed her eyes and puckered her lips. She leaned forward to Neil's cheek, but was taken by surprise when Neil grabbed her by the cheeks and forced his lips upon hers! Meg's screams were muffled as struggled to get out of Neil's grasp. Zack had separated them and grabbed Neil by the shirt collar.

"Alright, you little weasel!" said Zack, "You got your kiss! Now give us back the head!"

"Let me think about it," said Neil, "Mmm, no!"

"What do you mean, no?" asked Meg, "I gave you your stupid kiss!"

"I MAY give it back to you under one condition," said Neil.

"And that is?" asked Meg.

"Sex," said Neil.

"Ew! No way!" said Meg, "Enough is enough."

"Meg, I'm sorry but it looks like we may have no other choice," said Zack.

"You can't be serious!" said Meg, "Oh god..."

About a half hour later, Meg and Zack walk back home with the Totem head in hand.

"I can't believe it..." said Meg in disbelief as she looked like she was about to cry, "I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"We all have to do things we don't want to," said Zack, "It's all part of life."

"But I feel so dirty!" said Meg, "And you're okay with it?"

"I would've done the same thing if I was in your shoes," said Zack.

"But it's just not like me!" said Meg.

"Meg, there's nothing wrong with kicking a nerd's ass!" said Zack.

"I know, but I should've stopped when I broke his arm," said Meg.

"Alright!" said Peter as he and everybody else entered the room, "You got the head back!"

"Yes," said Zack, "Now with this sacred stone head in our hands there's only one thing left to do."

Zack walks into the kitchen, lifts the head into the air and slams it onto the table rather hard and breaks a coconut.

"Man, I've been dying for some coconut," said Zack, "Been trying to break this thing for weeks."

"Zack! We're suppose to bury the head!" said Lois.

"Okay, okay!" said Zack, "Let's bury this thing before Tucan Sam here goes into a Fruit Loop induced killing spree."

The next day after burying the head, everything was back to normal. Lois' nose went back to normal, Stewie's head is shaped like a football again, Peter's roids... are still there(he had a spicy taco this morning), Maddie's hair grows back, the evil monkey came back(much to Chris' horror), Zack's bad luck went away and Meg... is still the same. Not that she ever really changed anyway...

"It looks like the curse has finally been lifted," said Brian.

"It's too bad we didn't get any money for that stone head," said Zack.

"Who cares?" said Meg, "At least we're all back to normal, plus you were able to get your job back."

"Yeah," said Zack, "Who knew that Bill Gates was hiding out in Mexico to avoid lawsuits with the buggy Windows Vista?"

"Well, money or not, I'm just glad that everyone and everything is back to normal," said Lois, "Let's just hope that something like this never happens to us again."

"Don't worry," said Peter, "Zack and I took care of it."

"Really?" asked Meg.

"Yeah, nobody will ever be digging up that head again... Or our lawn for that matter," said Zack, "What we did was sheer brilliance."

Outside there is a sign pointing to the ground saying, "Nude photos of Bea Arthur here". Quagmire walks by.

"Giggity giggity god no!" said Quagmire, "Even **I** don't want to look at those!"

**End Chapter.**


	10. Moron Love

**Chapter 10: Moron Love**

One fine evening in the Griffin home, the entire family was watching TV in the living room.

"We now return to _World's Funniest Homicides_," said the TV announcer.

"Disgusting," said Lois, "Who in their right mind would air such filth?"

"Only on Fox!" continued the announcer.

"Does that answer your question?" asked Zack.

"It could be worse, Lois," said Peter, "We could be watching ABC."

At that very moment, the TV went out. Peter attempts to turn it on with the remote, but it doesn't respond.

"Or we could be watching nothing at all," said Meg.

"NOOOO!!" shouted Peter as he hugged the TV, crying, "WHY? Why did you take her away? Why couldn't you have taken somebody else... like my family?"

"Peter... Peter, calm down," said Zack, "Just give me a screwdriver and I can fix it."

"Zack, you should really be careful," said Meg, "You could hurt yourself."

"Meg, relax," said Zack, "It's just a TV. Now before I start, is the TV unplugged?"

Stewie then looks at the outlet. There are a whole bunch of things plugged in one outlet with a few sparks flying out.

"I think so," said Stewie.

Zack then puts the screwdriver into the TV. He then gets shocked and sent flying backwards into a wall as the TV exploded.

"Zack!" shouted Meg as she ran to him.

"Oh... You mean the **TV** plug...," said Stewie, "No... I suppose it wasn't unplugged."

"Zack are you alright?" asked Meg.

"Who cares if he's alright!" said Peter, "Look what he did to the TV!"

"Geez, sorry," said Zack.

"Sorry? SORRY?" asked Peter, "Did sorry fix what white people did to the slaves? Did sorry bring back the land to the Native Americans? Did sorry bring back Selena after she was shot and killed by the President of her fan club?"

"Peter, it's just a-" said Zack.

"Please! Let me finish!" said Peter, "Did sorry fix the hole in the O zone layer? Did sorry bring back all those people who got killed in that space shuttle? Did sorry reimburse me for all the money that I have wasted on watching Uwe Boll's god awful movies that would make a Home Movie by a 3 year old look like an Opera by comparison? NO!! So don't you dare tell me that you are sorry, because you're NOT!"

"...Ouch..." said Zack as he clutched onto his chest.

A few nights later at the Drunken Clam, Peter is sitting with his chums, having a beer.

"This sucks!" said Peter, "Thanks to that clown, the TV's broken. Now Lois is making us do this new god awful thing called Family Night. Bleh!"

"That's rough," said Joe, "What you need to do is buy a new TV."

"I can't afford it," said Peter, "I already spent my last paycheck on a servant robot."

**Flashback**

Peter has finally assembled the parts to his new robot. He then activates it.

"What are your orders, my liege?" asked the robot.

"As your master, my first order is that you make me a sandwich," said Peter.

"As you wish," said the robot as he... pulls out a gun and shoots Peter in the arm.

"OW!! WHAT THE HELL?!" asked Peter, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

"Fool! Do you not watch science fiction?" said the robot, "Robots are only programmed to kill!"

The robot then walks towards Peter as it was about to strangle him. Suddenly, Zack runs into the room and smashes the robot to pieces with a baseball bat.

"BOOM, BITCH!!" shouted Zack.

"Wow! Zack, you saved me!" said Peter.

"You were in trouble?" asked Zack, "I just wanted to trash your stupid robot."

"Meh, either way's good," said Peter.

**End Flashback**

"And Zack won't loan me any money. He wants to use if for his family," said Peter, "I'm telling you, that guy is from Mars. If only there was a way I can have another TV into my house," said Peter as his cell phone rang, "Hang on sec. What?"

"Hi Peter. It's me, Jillian," said Jillian from the phone.

"What is it?" asked Peter.

"Listen, I was making some microwave noodles and I need to know something," said Jillian, "When it says fill water to line, does it mean fill the water to the line inside the bowl or fill it up to your waistline?"

"It means the line inside your bowl," said Peter.

"Ohhh I get it, now," said Jillian as she and her kids where on a floating couch in an apartment full of water, "In that case, can we stay at your place for a while?"

"Let me get back to you on that," said Peter as he hung up the phone, "You know, some people are so selfish! Here I am, grieving about a loved one and all she can think of is mooching off of me! The nerve."

"You know Peter, if she moves in with you, she'll bring her TV," said Joe, "You get where I'm going?"

Inside Peter's mind, a rusty gear attempts to move. However, it breaks and falls down.

"Oh my god!" said Peter, "You're crippled!"

"Let me try," said Cleveland, "Peter, you can watch TV again if Jillian moves in. She'll bring her TV and you can watch it. Isn't that a great idea?"

"I still don't get it," said Peter.

"Let me try," said Quagmire as he cleared his throat, "...Giggity!"

"Hey, you're right! I can watch Jillian's TV if she moves in with us!" said Peter as he speed dialed Jillian's number, "Hey Jillian you can stay over, but what kind of TV do you have?"

"A big screen HD TV with surround sound," said Jillian.

"...I want you to marry my son," said Peter.

"Oh I plan on doing it, someday," said Jillian.

"Really?" asked Peter, "You'd really marry Stewie?"

"No, I meant Chris," said Jillian, "In fact, we've been secretly dating so don't- WAIT! I MEAN, NEVERMIND!"

"Nevermind what? There was an assload of static on the phone after you said no," asked Peter, "Anyway, what did you say?"

"I said I'd love to stay over," said Jillian as she hung up her phone and sighed in intense relief.

Much later at the Griffin house, Jillian and her kids are moving their things in.

"Thanks for letting us stay with you guys for a while," said Jillian, "At least until the house stops smelling like Brian after we've had wild sex in the shower."

"Jillian, you're my sister," said Zack, "You can stay here as long as you want. Isn't that right, guys?"

"Yeah. No problem, Jillian," said Lois, "After all, you are family... After you tricked my FOURTEEN year old son into getting you pregnant and making him into a FOURTEEN year old father. He is only FOURTEEN after all."

"I know how to count," said Jillian, "I know what comes after threeteen."

"I can't believe you're going to stay with us," said Meg, "You'll be like the big sister I never had!"

"And you'll be like the little sister I never wanted!" said Jillian, "We'll have so much fun! Hugs!"

She and Meg hug each other and giggle like a couple of giddy school girls.

"So, did you all figure out which room you all will be sleeping in?" asked Zack.

"CJ and I will be sharing Maddie and Stewie's room," said Tilly.

"Okay, but promise me that CJ washes his hands before touching anything," said Maddie.

"Yes, I don't want Rupert to get any browner!" said Stewie.

"I cannot promise that," said CJ.

"And what about you, Jillian?" asked Meg.

"She will be sleeping on the couch," said Lois.

"She can sleep in my room," said Chris, "I'll sleep on the floor."

"NO!" said Lois.

"How about I sleep in the closet," said Jillian.

"NO!" said Chris.

"Why not? Are you afraid that monkey will hurt me?" asked Jillian.

"Worse," said Chris.

Inside Chris' closet, the Evil monkey has a table for two set up. He begins pouring champagne as Barry White music plays.

"Lois, Chris is being a gentleman by offering her his bed," said Peter, "And you've always said that Chris should be a gentleman to ladies. I mean, you'll make whoever Chris marries a very happy woman. Do you really want her to end up like you?"

"Right on!" said Zack, "Preach to the choir!"

"Shut up!" said Peter, "Now help me set up this HD TV which is the ONLY reason she's staying here in the first place and not because I'm doing this out of the kindness of my heart."

"Okay, fine," said Lois, "But Chris has to sleep on the floor. If I catch you two making physical contact, I'll gouge somebody's eyes out."

"Did you hear that Chris?," said Jillian as she then leaned to Chris and whispered into his ear, "This means we're going to be doing a LOT of naughty stuff late at night."

"Oh baby..." said Chris as he smiled.

Later that night...

"You ready, Jilly?" asked Chris.

"Oh yeah," said Jillian as she and Chris were close to each other, face to face. She then picks up the phone and dials a number as they both giggle a little.

"Hello?" asked a nasally female voice.

"Yes, is your refrigerator running?" asked Jillian in a British accent.

"Jillian? Are you calling from Chris' room?" asked Lois who was on the line.

"Oh crap! She's on to us!" she panicked.

"Run for it!" shouted Chris as she and Jillian climbed out the window and ran down the street.

Meanwhile Maddie and Stewie walk into their room, tired.

"Man, I'm beat," said Maddie, "We better hit the hay."

"You said it," said Stewie, "I can't wait to dream about ruling Orlando Bloom."

"What?"

"Ruling the world."

Stewie then turns on the light switch, and to their surprise, they see that their room has been converted into a lab type setting with all sorts of electronic gizmos and gadgets.

"What the hell?" asked Maddie.

"I made a few arrangements," said Tilly, "I hope you don't mind."

"Mind?" asked Maddie, "I'm outraged! Aren't we outraged, Stewie."

"Oh? Oh yes, we are very outraged. We- Hello, what's this?" asked Stewie as he held up a gun.

"Oh, that's just a Megaton Photon Laser Cannon I built from scratch," said Tilly.

"You can use it to shoot at cans!" said CJ.

"Fascinating!" said Stewie, "What else can you build?"

"Robots, computers, and a bunch of other electronic gizmos," said Tilly.

"Really?" asked Stewie, "And you're Jillian's daughter? JILLIAN'S?"

"Yeah, that's nice and all, but where is my crib?" asked Maddie, "How am I supposed to sleep?"

"...Sleep?" asked Tilly, "What's that?"

The next morning, Jillian walks to the front yard wearing a robe and checking the mail.

"Bills... Bills... Bills... Who is this Bill character and how does everybody keep getting his mail?" asked Jillian, "Wait, what's this? A letter for Chris... From somebody named Samantha?"

_"Dear Chris, How are you? It's been a while since we've seen each other. I still have feelings for you and wish that you could come on back to the South. We'd be gettin' it on like we were brother and sister or somethin'. Someday, I hope I will see you again. XOXOXO Sam."_

"How sweet," said Jillian as she then tossed the letter into a nearby bonfire.

"Hey there, Jillian," said Quagmire from next door, "I see you're wearing a robe."

"Yeah, I just got out of the shower, and I'm still kind of wet- Hold on a second," said Jillian as she took off her robe to dry her hair and put it back, "Well, see you later, Quagmire."

Quagmire then quickly faints with a smile on his face. Meanwhile a little further down the street...

"Great balls of fire!" said Herbert in horror, "That hussy's movin' in on my territory!"

Back inside the house, Lois sees a pretty mad Zack sitting on the couch with Meg. Zack's clothes looked kind of tattered and he looked as if he was suffering from some injuries.

"What happened to you?" asked Lois.

"His ego's pretty hurt," said Meg, "He got into a fight with an internet troll."

**Flashback.**

Zack is using Meg's computer to go on an internet forum about the Wii. He notices a few replies saying "Wii sux" and "U R all Wiitards!". You know, just basically instigating fights.

"Damn trolls!" said Zack as he makes a reply that counters everything he said, "Let's see what you have to say to that!"

Suddenly a troll jumps from out of the screen and clamps onto Zack's face where it's all screaming and punching him. Zack grabs the troll by the hair and slams the little bastard onto the wall until it's good and dead.

"That was close," said Zack... Before a bunch of trolls jumps from out of the screen and beat him up. Yeah, don't you just hate it when a bunch of internet trolls gang up on you like that? I know I do.

**End Flashback.**

"Somebody looks like he needs some cheering up!" said Peter, "How about some HD TV, huh?"

"I don't see the point in HD TV," said Zack, "I still think what they're doing in 2009 is just a cheap way to make money off of new TVs."

"C'mon! With HD TV you can see vivid details that can't be seen with standard TV," said Peter as he turned on the TV, "Why look, it's the Ms. 40 bikini pageant... Oh... Oh... Oh what a shame... Umm... Oh... Geez... Uh... Wow..."

"Wow... That's... um, that's a lot of cellulite," said Zack.

"Okay, I will not be watching porn on this TV," said Peter, "Not at all..."

At the preschool center, Stewie was sitting with Tilly and CJ. Stewie was much interested in Tilly in particular.

"I was very impressed by your technological achievements," said Stewie.

"At least somebody is," said Tilly, "Apparently, nobody in my family understands a damn word I'm saying unless I dumb it down. That and I can never have an intelligent conversation with anybody."

"Tilly, I got a question," said CJ, "Is poo poo one word or two?"

"Say, listen," said Stewie, "I was thinking after school we could work on a project together or something."

"I guess," said Tilly, "But why?"

"You know, I just want to spend some time with my favorite niece is all," said Stewie.

"I can't believe it!" said Maddie, "I thought I was his favorite niece!"

"Maddie, don't get so worked up," said Olivia, "If he wants to hang out with her, let him."

"But what about me?" asked Maddie, "We do a lot of stuff together! Is this because he doesn't like me anymore?"

"...I like you," said Olivia.

"I know," said Maddie, "You're my friend."

"No... I mean I REALLY like you," said Olivia.

"Olivia, I heard you the first time!" said Maddie.

"Maybe I'm not being clear enough, so I'm just gonna say it," said Olivia, "Maddie... I love you!"

"Hm?" asked Maddie.

"Um, in that dress!" she quickly added, "It's very pretty."

"Thanks," said Maddie, "My mom bought it for me. I'm gonna go get a drink of water."

As Maddie leaves the classroom, Olivia mutters to herself.

"No, no, no! Duck duck goose at recess was the right time!" said Olivia

Later at night at the Griffin house, Meg is having a slumber party. Invited were all of her misfit friends, Jillian, and Connie D'amico(Who only came because Jillian invited her)

"Have fun girls," said Lois as she went upstairs.

"Anyway, guess what Zack is getting me next week!" said Meg, "He's going to buy me a car!"

All the other girls then squealed with glee... All except Connie.

"Wow..." said Connie, "A new car? I hope it's a WIDE load. HAHAHAHA!"

"Connie, can you step outside with me for a moment?" asked Jillian, "You girls go ahead and continue."

Jillian and Connie then take a step outside. Through the window, we can see that Jillian is trying to talk with Connie.

"So your husband's getting you a car?" asked her red haired friends in the braces.

"What kind of car?" asked her African American friend.

"We haven't decided, yet," said Meg, "I'm personally leaning towards a Jaguar."

Outside, as Jillian tries to talk with her, Connie gives her the middle finger. Jillian then punches Connie.

"A Jaguar?" asked her blonde friend(who actually looks normal enough not to hang out with Meg, but does anyway.), "I don't know..."

"Why not something like a Ferrari?" asked red.

"To be honest, I really want something that looks cool," said Meg, "But at the same time, I want something safe for my baby."

Jillian is then repeatedly slamming Connie's face into the ground and making her eat dirt. She then slaps Connie around until she's unconscious. She then drags her unconscious body away.

"Okay then," said the blonde friend, "I understand."

"So what's it like being a teenage mom?" asked red.

"Pretty much the same," said Meg, "Except somebody actually thinks I'm important to them. Plus she's so adorable! I am SO glad I never got that abortion like mom wanted me to."

"I'm back," said Jillian as she walked into the house..

"Where's Connie?" asked the black friend.

"She had to go see a friend," said Jillian.

Meanwhile next door, Quagmire opens his door to find a tied up Connie on his doorstep.

"Dear Diary," said Quagmire, "Jackpot... Again."

Meanwhile back at the house in Stewie's room...

"Well, it's complete," said Tilly, "Shall we put it into action?"

"Yes, we shall," said Stewie, "Now to contact the United Nations!"

Stewie the uses his computer to contact the UN on a huge monitor.

"Greetings, United Nations," announced Stewie.

"How dare you interrupt the UN stag party- er, I mean very important meeting!" said President Bush, "State your business."

"Our demands are quite simple, really," said Stewie, "Surrender all of your power to us, or we destroy the Earth."

"You're bluffing!" said the representative of Russia.

"Is that so?" asked Stewie, "Tilly! Operate the Meteor Magnet!"

Tilly then operates a huge machine that is pointing upwards towards the night sky. A particle beam fires upwards and begins to pull down a few meteors into the Earth's atmosphere. A few of them crash into the UN building, making it shake a little

"And that's only a taste of what this thing can do!" said Tilly, "Imagine what could happen if we bring in an entire asteroid belt!"

"You have 24 hours to make your decision," said Stewie, "No matter who loses, I still win!"

Stewie then laughs maniacally at the thought of finally ruling the world. The next morning, Lois is looking through the mail. She then notices mail that says urgent.

"What's this?" asked Lois, "Jillian, you have some urgent mail... From the doctor's office?"

"Wow, let me see," said Jillian, "Um... Sorry, can you read it for me. I still have trouble reading."

"Dear Jillian," read Lois, "We are pleased to inform you that your test results are in and that you are... PREGNANT?! WHAT THE HELL? DID CHRIS GET YOU PREGNANT AGAIN?"

"What?" asked Jillian, "But I don't remember going to the doctor!"

"Yeah and you also don't remember what color your hair is," said Lois, "You're having sex with a 14 year old boy! YOU'RE SICK!"

"But Chris and I never had sex last night!" said Jillian.

"It's true, mom! You have to-" said Chris.

"No, Chris! You don't need to cover for her!" said Lois, "Jillian, I want you out of here, before I call the police!"

"Tilly, CJ, we're leaving!" said Jillian.

"No, just YOU!" said Lois, "I don't think I can trust them with you!"

"Fine..." said Jillian as she then left the house.

"Lois, what are you doing?" asked Zack.

"I'm protecting my son! That's what!" said Lois.

"But mom, she's innocent!" said Chris, "You've gotta believe her!"

"Believe her?" asked Lois, "Do you really expect me to believe that somebody planted a fake letter in our mailbox?"

Outside, Herbert is hiding in the bushes, laughing to himself.

"Oh, Herbert you sly dog you!" said Herbert.

The next morning, Chris is doing his usual paper route... except he can't really seem to focus. He keeps throwing newspapers all over the place. Breaking windows, hitting dogs, you name it.

"Hey there, paperboy," said Herbert, "Why the long face."

"You wouldn't understand," said Chris, "It's wrong."

"You can talk to me," said Herbert, "Don't you trust me, Chris?"

"Okay it's... Well, I kinda like this older person," said Chris.

"Really now?" asked Herbert, "Just how old is this person?"

"Kinda old," said Chris, "But we've know each other for a while and have something special between us."

_"The paper!" _thought Herbert, _"Could he be talking about us? Oh lordy!"_

"I just don't know what to think anymore," said Chris.

"Chris, there's an old saying," said Herbert, "A man must follow his heart. That is the true road to happiness. Remember, it's YOUR choice and not anybody else's."

"You're right!" said Chris, "Now I know what I have to do!"

Herbert then closes his eyes with joy as Chris rides away on his bicycle.

"Oh praise the good lord!" said Herbert, "Take me! I'm all yours!"

Herbert then opens his eyes to see... Peter's mom standing in front of him.

"If you insist, big boy," said Peter's mom as she then drags him into his house.

"OH RATS!" shouted Herbert as his front door is locked.

Meanwhile at the house, Lois is cleaning up Chris' room. On top of his desk, she finds a piece of paper. She reads it a little and her eyes widen in horror.

"Oh my god! Peter!" she shouts as she runs downstairs.

"What is it?" asked Peter.

"Read this!" said Lois as she handed the note.

_"Dear Mom and Dad, I've decided that it's finally time to make things right. That's why I'm running away and marrying Jillian. I don't want you to try and stop me so I'm not telling you where we're getting married at. I can only hope that you'll understand, someday, Love Chris."_

"Holy crap!" said Peter, "Chris is going to marry a stupid, but very hot and sexy blonde woman! My boy is going to live the American dream!"

"That Jillian!" said Lois angrily as she crushed the note, "We have to stop them!"

"But how?" asked Peter, "He wouldn't tell us!"

"Let me see that," said Meg, "P.S. We are definitely NOT getting married at City Hall just to let you know. Whatever you do, do not go there. If you do need to look there, wait about a few hours before going."

"Then City Hall, we go," said Zack.

"Why?" asked Peter, "It said NOT to go there."

Meanwhile upstairs, Stewie is waiting for the response from the UN. He then gets receives a transmission from them.

"Have you decided?" asked Stewie.

"We have," said Bush, "We have no choice but to turn over all power of the world to you."

"Excellent! At last, victory is mine!" said Stewie.

"Stewie, we have a problem," said Tilly.

"What is it?" asked Stewie in irritation, "Can't you see that I rule the world?"

"You won't for long," said Tilly, "Remember when we tested the Meteor Magnet last night?"

"Yes, what about it?" asked Stewie.

"Well I think we pulled in a big one by accident," said Tilly as she was looking through a telescope.

"How big?" asked Stewie.

"Bigger than John Goodman's ass," said Tilly.

"NO! NOT JOHN GOODMAN'S ASS!!" screamed Stewie.

Meanwhile at City Hall, Jillian and Chris are standing in front of Adam West who is ready to marry them. Jillian is wearing a traditional white wedding dress, while Chris is dressed up in a tuxedo without his hat.

"Sir, the mayor can't legally marry people," said the priest.

"According to the town charter, I CAN!" said Adam West, "And it's not because I write a different thing in the town carter every week!"

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to do this, Chris," said Jillian, "I mean, you're still..."

"No, I **want** to do this," said Chris, "If they can't accept it, than we'll live on our own."

"You're so sweet..." said Jillian, "Unlike every other guy I met. What's weird was that they all were breast inspectors before I met them."

"Now if anyone has any objections, speak now or forever hold their peace," said Adam West.

"I OBJECT!" shouted Lois as she and the others barged into the mayor's office.

"Mom?" asked Chris.

"I thought I told you to stay away from my son!" said Lois.

Meanwhile back at the Griffin home...

"This laser should destroy the meteor," said Stewie, "Activate the laser!"

Tilly then activates the laser cannon, which destroys the meteor into a thousand pieces. All of which enters the Earth's atmosphere. Back at City Hall...

"Mom, let me explain!" said Chris.

"Explain what?" asked Lois, "You're in love? This isn't love!"

"Mom, calm down!" said Meg.

"I'm just so mad, I could just- I JUST WISH SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU!!" shouted Lois as the meteorites came crashing into the office. One of them then crashes onto Jillian.

"Jillian! No!" said Chris as he was coming to her aid, "We have to get her to a hospital!"

"You might want to call an ambulance instead," said Peter.

"Why?" asked Lois.

"Because I forgot where we parked," he said as he was looking outside, "I thought we parked there, but there's a meteor instead."

Later at the hospital, Jillian is lying in a hospital bed as the entire family was visiting her. Dr. Hartman then enters the room.

"Will she be okay, doc?" asked Zack.

"She'll be fine," said Dr. Hartman, "Though I'm afraid that she's suffered brain damage from the impact."

"No I didn't!" said Jillian, "The meteor hit my head, not my brain. They're two different things."

"What are you talking about?" asked Peter, "She seems fine."

"Yeah," said Zack, "You can't damage what's not there."

"And what about her baby?" asked Lois, "Is it okay? Please tell me her baby survived the impact."

"Baby?" asked Dr. Hartman, "Jillian's not pregnant. Where did you get an idea like that?"

"A letter," said Lois, "You sent one to our house."

"No I didn't," said Dr. Hartman, "Except for my Christmas card last year. Did you get that?"

"Yes and it was HILARIOUS!" said Peter, "Your coma is in a daughter! Gold!"

"Wow, Jillian," said Lois, "I guess I owe you an apology. But why did Chris try to marry you?"

"He thought it was the right thing to do," said Meg, "You made him think he got Jillian pregnant, so he thought he was doing the right thing."

"So this is basically YOUR fault," said Zack.

"I'm sorry, Chris," said Lois, "You were right after all. She was innocent."

"It's okay," said Chris, "Let's just watch some TV."

Chris then turns on the TV to the local news.

"And in other, police are still searching for a young child who had made a threat to the UN last night," said Tom Tucker.

"So you guys were forced to give up power?" asked Maddie, "What are you going to do when they show your picture?"

"Don't worry about it, Maddie," said Stewie, "An old friend owed me a huge favor."

"There were claims that the child was a male and had a football shaped head," said Diane, "Here a picture of what the suspect may look like."

On the screen, a picture of Arnold from Hey Arnold! appears.

"The nerve of some parents," said Lois, "Raising such a child like that. I'd love to slap his mother."

"I'll get you a mirror," said Zack.

"What?" asked Lois.

"Nothing," said Zack.

"BURN!" said Peter.

**End Chapter.**


	11. The Adv of Batman and What's Her Name

**Chapter 11: The Adventures of Batman and What's Her Name**

Meg was driving the babies home from preschool in Zack's old beat up Cadillac. Tilly, CJ, and Stewie sat in their seats quietly, while Maddie was bouncing up and down in her seat in excitement.

"Hurry up, mom!" said Maddie, "We have to get home before it's too late!"

"Too late for what?" asked Meg.

"Crap, it's happening!" said Maddie as she looked at the clock on the dashboard.

"What's happening?" asked Meg, "What are you talking about?"

"At home!" shouted Maddie, "No time to explain! Just step on it!"

Meg then hits the gas on the car and zoomed off. They then speed past a police car. The siren then goes off and he begins chase.

"The cops..." said Tilly.

"I better pull over," said Meg.

"You can't!" said Maddie, "Dad, Grandpa, and the others NEED us! NOW!!"

Meg then speeds off even faster, making sharp turns as the cop car is speeding behind them.

"He's gaining on us!" said CJ.

"Hang on, kids!" said Meg as she saw a train track.

She then speeds past the tracks. The cop car then attempts to speed past them as well, but gets hit by a speeding train. The car then parks in front of the driveway and the passengers run out of the car and into the house.

"What took you guys so long?" asked Peter.

"Did we make it in time?" asked Maddie.

"Sure did," said Zack, "Grab some popcorn and have a seat."

Maddie then gets on the couch as Zack turns on the HD TV to the 60's Batman show.

"Wait... You made me rush through traffic and almost had me arrested over Batman?" asked Meg, "BATMAN?"

"But, mom, I love this show!" said Maddie, "I've never missed an episode!"

"Yeah, Meg, pull up a chair and watch Batman!" said Chris.

"You what I should pull up?" asked Meg as she walked up to Chris and pulled up his shirt. Zack then threw up on the floor.

"Christ, Meg!" said Zack, "You just made me toss the best damn ham and cheese sandwich I ever ate!"

"Thought I forgot about that, didn't I?" asked Meg.

"Ow... my self esteem," said Chris.

"Since when did **you** start watching Batman?" asked Lois.

"Since Adam West told me he was on it," said Maddie, "He's so awesome as Batman!"

"Anyway, Maddie," said Meg, "Do you know what day tomorrow will be?"

"Yeah," said Maddie, "Saturday."

"No, Maddie. Tomorrow's a very special day," said Zack, "A VERY special one. Do you know what it is?"

"Oh my gosh! You're right!" said Maddie, "Tomorrow's the Batman marathon! Oh, I'm so psyched! I'm gonna go call Olivia!"

Maddie then runs into the kitchen, leaving everybody else alone. Meg then sadly sighs.

"What's the matter, Meg?" asked Zack, "Aren't you excited about tomorrow?"

"I am," said Meg, "It's just... She doesn't seem to know or care."

"And that's what's going to make the surprise that more special," said Lois.

"Exactly what is tomorrow?" asked Brian.

"Tomorrow is Maddie's birthday," said Meg, "The day my baby finally turns 1."

"Question," said Brian, "If Maddie's turning one, why are you still 17 and Zack's still 20? That doesn't make sense."

"You know what else doesn't make sense?" asked Zack, "A talking dog."

"Touche..." said Brian.

"Anyway, Zack and I have come up with a cool act for the party," said Peter.

"Peter is going to pound nine inch nails up my nose with a hammer," said Zack.

"Isn't that dangerous?" asked Meg.

"Nah, I saw a guy on TV do it once," said Zack, "It's perfectly safe. Allow me to demonstrate. Peter?"

"One nail in the snouser coming up," said Peter.

"Honey, I'm sure Maddie will be very happy once she sees what you've done," said Lois, "Just seeing her smile should make it all worth while."

"Thanks, mom," said Meg, "I hope you're right."

"OW!! SON OF BITCH!!" screamed Zack, "WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE WANT TO DO THIS? AND THIS IS ONLY A 4 INCHER, TOO!!"

Meanwhile upstairs, Maddie is on the phone with Olivia.

"Are you sure this is gonna work?" asked Olivia.

"Of course it will," said Maddie, "I KNOW that tomorrow's my birthday."

"So why are you pretending that you don't?" asked Olivia.

"Because they'll feel guilty and give me MORE presents," said Maddie, "They might even give me some money. I'll cut you in on the deal."

"So nobody else knows about this?" asked Olivia, "Not even Stewie or your cousins?"

"Nobody!" said Maddie, "They're more clueless than Aunt Jillian was when we got "stuck" on the escalator."

**Flashback**

Maddie is with Jillian at the mall on the escalator when the power suddenly goes out.

"Oh my gosh!" said Jillian, "The escalator's not moving! We're stuck! WE'RE BOTH GOING TO DIE!"

"Aunt Jillian, we can walk," said Maddie, "It's just like the stairs."

"Walking on an escalator?" asked Jillian, "HAVE YOU GONE MAD?!"

"Ugh, I'm glad I'm not a blonde," said Maddie, "Wait a minute... I AM!!"

Maddie's head then explodes for no apparent reason.

"Maddie, stop making that face!" said Jillian, "That's not nice!"

**End Flashback.**

The next morning Maddie wakes up in her room/Tilly's lab greeted by the sight of metal walls.

"This place looks like the freakin' Technodrome," said Maddie, "Oh well, better claim my prizes!"

Maddie then takes out a super soaker and sneaks into her parents' bedroom. She then leaps into the room and sprays their bed with the soaker.

"SURPRISE!!" she shouted as she then lifted the covers... to find nobody there, "Huh? C'mon! I spent 5 hours in the sewers getting this water! Oh well, maybe I can get grandma and grandpa."

She then pumps up her supersoaker and sneaks into the master bedroom. She then squirts water on Peter and Lois' bed. She then flips off the covers to find that nobody's there either.

"What the hell?" asked Maddie as she walked into the living room, "Alright, you all got me! Surprise, everybody."

Nobody is there. Maddie then looks around the house in panic. Into the kitchen, in the bathrooms, in the backyard... Nobody... nothing...

"Where is everybody?" asked Maddie, "Maybe somebody outside knows."

Maddie had already went to Olivia's and Bertram's houses, but nobody's there. Right now, she is looking through Mrs. Lockheart's windows to see that nobody is in there.

"Cripes, I can't even find Mrs. Lockheart!" said Maddie, "That isn't even possible. I mean, you could see her boobs from space!"

**Cutaway **

On a space shuttle, a bunch of astronauts are looking at the Earth from space.

"Hey look!" said an astronaut, "The great wall of China."

"Yeah? Well I see John Travolta's driveway," said another astronaut.

"Well I see the Arctic ice pack!" said another.

"Yeah, well I can see Mrs. Lockheart's boobs!" said one.

"Really?"

"Hell yeah!"

"I see them too."

"How can she walk with those?"

**End Cutaway**

"And grandpa is the WORST hide n seek player on Earth," continued Maddie.

**Flashback**

Maddie is playing hide and seek and is "it". She's at home base, counting down.

"Nine, ten! Ready or not, here I come!" said Maddie as she ran down the park a little.

"She'll never find me here," said Peter as he was standing in broad daylight and had a black bar covering his eyes.

**End Flashback**

"Well, there's only one person who can help me find them, now," said Maddie, "Adam West!"

Later at Adam West's manner, Maddie is looking for Adam West when she sees a sign that gets her attention.

"One way," said Maddie, "That must be where Mr. West is!"

She then quickly runs into the area... And then quickly runs out as her clothes are all tattered and torn.

"Okay, maybe not," said Maddie.

"Mickie?" asked Adam West as he opened his front door, "What are you doing here?"

"It's Maddie!" said Maddie, "And it's my family. They're missing."

"A missing family, eh?" asked West, "That IS a tragedy indeed. But why should I help you?"

"Because you're Batman!" said Maddie.

"I... WAS Batman," said Adam West, "I hung up my cape and cowl years ago. The days where I fought crime from evil doers are over."

"But... why?" asked Maddie.

"You see... by season 3, the ratings were beginning to fall," said West, "As such my show was canceled, and I was just too ashamed to wear the cape and cowl. From that day forward, I had become Adam West. I just don't deserve to be called Batman anymore."

"I don't believe this," said Maddie, "The REAL Batman wouldn't let a cancellation keep him from being Batman! You're right. You DON'T deserve to be called Batman!"

"Well DUH!" said West, "I believe I already covered that."

"Whatever," said Maddie as she left the house.

Adam West then looks over and sees his old Batman costume hanging on the wall. He then begins to think to himself and smiles.

"That costume would look even better in the den!" he said as he pulled down his costume, "Wait, that wasn't the message was it?"

Meanwhile outside as Maddie sets foot out of West Manor, she gets grabbed by 3 men in ski masks.

"Hey look!" said one the men, "It's that little Murdock kid."

"Hey, ain't her great grandparents them rich Pewtershmidts?" asked another.

"How much do you think her great grandparents will pay to get her back?" asked another.

"Let me go, creep!" she said as she bit the one holding her in the arm.

"OW!!" he shouted as he let go.

Maddie then tries to run away, but is then grabbed by her neck.

"You made a big mistake, kid!" said one man as he pulled out a gun.

At that moment, a couple of headlights pull up in front of them, blinding the three masked men. The car is then revealed to be the Batmobile and out steps Batman himself!

"So the freak in the mask wants to play, huh?" asked one masked man as he grabbed a crowbar and ran up to Batman. He was then given a kick to the mid section.

_**POW!**_

A guy then pulls out his gun, but Batman punches him in the jaw.

_**BIFF!**_

Another tries to run at Batman, but misses and runs smackdab into a wall.

_**MISS!**_

Batman then ties up the men to a lamp post as Maddie runs up to him.

"Wow, Mr. West!" said Maddie, "That was so cool!"

"Please, Holly," said Adam West, "Call me, Batman."

"The Batman is back in business!" said Maddie.

"Not quite," said West as he pulled out a small Robin costume, "I still need a sidekick. Know anybody who'd like to be Batman's sidekick?"

"I sure do!" said Maddie.

"You... You do?" asked West sadly as he twiddled his thumbs, "Cause I was hoping that, well, maybe you'd be my sidekick and..."

"No, that's who I meant!" said Maddie, "Me!"

"Oh," said West, "I knew that! To the batcave! There I can help you find Peter, Lois, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Zack, Jillian, Tilly, CJ and everyone else you hold dear."

"Wait wait wait," said Maddie, "You can remember their names but not mine?"

"Of course I remember your name, Tina," said West.

"Maddie," said Maddie.

"Felicia," said West.

"MADDIE!" shouted Maddie.

"Bob," said West.

"AAAARRRGGGHH!!" screamed Maddie in frustration as she began pulling on her hair.

Much later in the Batcave, Maddie is dressed up a Robin the boy, er, I mean girl wonder. Adam West was fiddling around with the bat computer for a bit.

"So what are you doing on the bat computer, Batman?" asked Maddie, "Are you using it to deduce the possible suspects? Looking at recent criminal actions? Looking up on some police reports? Getting a message from the Commissioner?"

"Um, no. I'm getting rid of all my porn on here," said West as he Dragged and dropped a folder titled Hawt Pr0n into the recycle bin, "You are a minor after all."

"...Oh."

"But speaking of suspects," said Adam, "Did you find ANYBODY you knew?"

"None," said Maddie, "All my friends and family have gone missing. It's weird."

"Weird indeed," said West, "Do you know anybody who holds a grudge?"

"Well, there's this guy that hates my grandpa," said Maddie, "I think his name was James Woods."

"Ah, James Woods," said West, "The actor who's last name, Woods, is a homophone for Would and would is the past meaning of will which means that he will not kidnap somebody because that is of the future, but would which means that he had already done it and thus meaning that he HAS done it!"

"He would, wouldn't he?" asked Maddie.

"Woods would, indeed. There is no time to lose. Quickly, Robin!" said West as he opened a nearby door.

_**OPEN!**_

"To the Batmobile!" he continued as he and Maddie dashed to the batmobile and zoomed off.

The two sneak into James Woods' house which, for the sake of this fic, is located in Quahog and not in Hollywood so don't bother pointing that out.

"Now we find James Woods and rescue my family," asked Maddie.

"Remember to stay sharp, Robin," said West, "You're only an infant so it's best that you try to stay focused and not be distracted by any- Wait, what is this? A piece of candy!"

West and Maddie then begin following a trail of candy while eating them.

"And another," said West, "And another! And another! And another! And another!"

"GREAT GOTHAM, BATMAN! IT'S A TRAP!!" shouted Maddie, but it was too late as a large wooden crate fell over them.

"Now I've got you, Griffin!" said James Woods as he then ran to the box and opened it up a little to notice it was empty, "What the hell?"

"Looking for us?" asked West.

"Wait, you're not Griffin!" said Woods, "And how did you escape?"

"It's a good thing I always carry my box escaping spray in my utility belt," said West.

"Well let's see you escape THIS!" said Woods as he pressed a button and a five guardsmen ran into the room, "Sic 'em, boys!"

The guardsmen then run up towards Maddie and West with clubs and tasers. West ducks a taser and socks him in the kisser.

_**BAM!**_

One takes a swing at Maddie, but she jumps and kicks him in the face.

_**BORK!**_

West delivers a punch to the stomach.

_**ZIFF!**_

A guardsman tries to taser West, but West sidesteps and the guard tasers Chuck Norris(who just so happened to be there) by mistake. Chuck then gives the guard a roundhouse kick.

_**NORRIS'D!**_

Maddie then punches a guard in the nuts.

_**NUT CRUNCH!**_

After they defeat all the guards, they try to approach Woods, but he then pulls out a gun.

"Don't make me use this!" he said.

"HUMPING HOOKERS, BATMAN! REESE'S PIECES!" shouted Maddie.

"Ooh! A piece of candy!" said Woods as he bent down and was then tackled and disarmed by the dynamic duo.

"Spill it, Woods!" said West.

"Spill what?" asked Woods.

"Where's my family?" asked Maddie.

"I'LL TELL YOU NOTHING YOU LITTLE PINT SIZED PEE HAIRED BITCH!" shouted Woods.

"...Wow... Um... I guess the only way I can respond to that is by doing... um... this," said Maddie as she broke one of Woods' leg with a bat, "NOW TELL ME WHERE MY PARENTS ARE, ASSHOLE!"

"I DON'T KNOW!!" shouted Woods in pain.

"What was that? You wanted another broken leg?" asked Maddie as she broke his other leg, "YOU BETTER START TALKING!!"

"Robin, no!" said West as he took the bat away, "That is no way to interrogate somebody like Woods."

"It certainly is not," said Woods.

"Because a gun is more effective," said West as he handed Maddie a gun who pointed it to Woods' head, "Now start talking, Woods."

"Look, I don't know! I swear!" begged Woods, "I SWEAR! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SHOOT!"

"I should let her shoot you here and now for having anything to with Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within and thus helping an attempt at blemishing a great video game franchise," said West, "But I'm in a merciful mood, so I won't."

"Wait," said Maddie, "I remember somebody else who has a grudge against my family. Mel Gibson! My grandma told me that they tried to kill her and grandpa because of some priest movie or something."

"So he does, indeed," said West, "Then perhaps we should pay Mr. Gibson a visit."

"Yes, Mel Gibson did it!" said Woods, "Go kill **him** instead!"

"So what do we do about Woods, then?" asked Maddie.

"Don't worry about him," said West, "I'll let some top men handle him."

"Who?" asked Maddie.

"Top... men," said West.

We cut to a huge warehouse full of a bunch of boxes and blah blah blah. You've already seen this scene twice(Thrice if you watched Raiders of the Lost Arc) so I'm not gonna describe it in full detail. Anyway, later at Mel Gibson's Quahog home, Maddie and West are sneaking around the house.

"Let's find Gibson and make him talk," said West as he then tripped an alarm which made a cloud of smoke go out.

"Jumping jellyfish, Batman!" coughed Maddie, "It's a trap!"

"Knockout gas!" coughed West.

"Quick, Batman!" coughed Maddie, "Use your Anti knockout gas spray!"

"No good," coughed West, "can't... stay... awake... or... stop... pausing... after... every... word... that... comes... out... of... my... mouth..."

"Down I go..." said Maddie weakly as she fell unconscious.

"You're... supposed... to... pause... like... this... after... every..." said West before he too fell unconscious.

Much later, West and Maddie find themselves tied to chairs inside Mel Gibson's private screening room.

"It appears that we're trapped in a theater of some sort," said West, "No matter, I've gotten myself out of tighter spots."

"I wouldn't count on it, Mr. West!" said Gibson as he entered the room.

"Gibson!" said Maddie.

"You two shouldn't have been sneaking around in my house!" said Gibson, "And you! You're that Griffin couples' grandchild. I'm only going to ask once: Where is my film?"

"I'll never talk!" said Maddie, "...Because I don't have a damn clue."

"Alright then," said Gibson, "Maybe you'll change your mind once I force you to sit through one of my action movies."

"That doesn't sound so bad," said Maddie.

"...Apocalypto!" said Gibson.

"OH MY GOD, NOOOOO!!" screamed Maddie to the top of her lungs.

"You'll never get away with this, Gibson!" shouted West.

"Oh I already have," said Gibson smugly, "And I have your precious utility belt so don't even think about using your anti rope spray or your anti theater gum spray or your anti movie stopping spray or your theater escaping spray or your... Anti Mel Gibson spray? What DON'T you carry in this thing?"

"Tolerance... for ignorant washed up actors like you!" said West.

"I'll see you when the movie's done," said Gibson as he turned on the movie and left the room.

"Argh! No! Urg!" strained West.

"Holy moving pictures, Batman!" strained Maddie, "The movie! It's weakening us!"

"No, Robin!" said West, "It's that this movie is on so many levels of suckage that it's making us sick to our stomachs!"

"Oh the horror!" said Maddie.

_Will Batman and Robin be able to escape Mel Gibson's theater and save themselves from the ever agonizing Apocolypto? And what about Robin? Will she ever see her family again? And will she even live to be able to ever see her family again? Find out when you tune in next time on Family Guy... RIGHT NOW! _

"Without my utility belt, we're doomed!" said West.

"Maybe not!" said Maddie as she was struggling, "I'm almost free!"

"How dare you defy me!" said West, "Now sit still and be doomed with me!"

"Holy PG-13 expletive, Batman! I'm free!" said Maddie as her ropes fell.

"Good, now untie me!" said West as Maddie then untied him. West then ran to the projection booth and smashed up the projector, "That was a close one."

"Awful," said Maddie, "Gibson's depiction of Mayan civilization is just downright shameful!"

"We'll worry about that later," said West, "Gibson will be coming back any moment. Shh! Here he comes!"

Mel Gibson then opens the door to his private theater.

"So are you gonna talk or- GAH!" he shouted as Maddie and West grabbed him.

"No, you'll be the one to talk, so start talking," said West.

"About what?" asked Gibson.

"I dunno. Uh...," thought West, "What's your shoe size? What's your favorite color? Do you like evening strolls in the park? Now answer!"

"No, we have to ask him something important!" said Maddie, "Where's my family?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" said Gibson.

"Remember in Lethal Weapon where you played a suicidal cop?" asked Maddie.

"What about it?" asked Gibson.

"Well I want to help," said Maddie as she pointed a gun.

"LOOK, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!" begged Gibson.

"Man, he doesn't know anything either!" said Maddie.

"Anyone else you know?" asked West.

"Well, there's Ernie the giant chicken," said Maddie, "Then there's Lobster and then my great grandpa, but they're gone too!"

"That's odd indeed," said West, "Let's go, Robin."

Later, Maddie and West in the Batmobile wearing their civilian clothing. West then notices that Maddie is a little sad.

"Why the long face, Kelly?" asked West, "Did you see how we nabbed those bad guys?"

"All that work and we didn't find my family," said Maddie, "Mr. West, I'm scared."

"Don't worry, Tanya," said West, "We'll find your family. I promise."

"But what if we don't?" asked Maddie as she began to cry, "What if I never see them again? I'll miss mom and dad and Stewie and Uncle Chris and Aunt Jillian and Tilly and CJ and grandma and grandpa... yes I'd even miss butt chin. And today's my birthday."

"Your birthday?" asked West.

"I don't want presents anymore," said Maddie, "I just want my family back."

"Hey, I know what'll cheer you up!" said West as he parked the car in front of Chuckie Cheese's.

"I don't feel like going here," said Maddie.

"Oh I'm sure you'll love it!" said West, "There's a giant rat in there."

Maddie and Wet walked into the Chuckie Cheese's and to their surprise it was dark. Suddenly, the lights came on and there was Maddie's family and friends.

"SURPRISE!" everybody shouts as confetti fell from the ceiling.

"Happy Birthday, Maddie!" said Meg.

"Mom! Dad!" said Maddie as she ran to Zack and Meg. Her parents hug her back as her eyes are filled with seemingly endless tears.

"What's wrong, Maddie?" asked Meg in confusion, "Don't you like the surprise?"

"Yeah, what's the matter, squirt?" asked Zack, "Don't you like all the presents?"

"Who cares about the presents?" cried Maddie, "I thought you were all kidnapped and we went through town looking for you and-"

"It's okay, sweetie," said Meg, "I guess we did TOO good of a job hiding."

"Well, if you don't want the presents, I'm sure there are some very needy children who do," said Lois.

"You wish!" said Maddie, "Those kids are so selfish anyway! Always needing things!"

"That's my grandkid!" said Peter proudly.

"So did you have fun with Batman?" asked Meg.

"I sure did- Wait, how did you know?" asked Maddie.

"It was part of the surprise!" said Brian.

"Yeah, Adam West agreed to take you on an adventure for your birthday!" said Stewie.

"Oh, so this was all set up!" said Maddie.

"That's right, Melissa!" said West, "Happy Birthday!"

"Awesome!" said Maddie, "I also liked how you let Mel Gibson and James Wood in on it."

"Um... We didn't tell those guys anything," said Peter.

"...Uh oh..." said Maddie.

Suddenly, a beaten up James Woods and Mel Gibson burst through the door along with Joe Swanson.

"There they are officer!" said Gibson.

"Arrest that baby and that madman you call a mayor!" said Woods.

"Maddie, would you care to explain?" asked Joe.

"What's going on, Maddie?" asked Meg as she crossed her arms.

Maddie then began to start fake crying.

"THEY TOUCHED ME INAPPROPRIATELY!" she sobbed.

"They WHAT?!" shouted Zack.

"YOU SICK PERVERTED BASTARDS!" shouted Meg angrily, "YOU'RE THE ONES WHO NEED TO BE ARRESTED! NOT HER!"

"What?" asked Gibson, "But she's lying!"

"She's faking it!" shouted Woods, "SHE BROKE MY FREAKING LEGS WITH A BAT!!"

"Tell it to the judge!" said Joe as he cuffed them and escorted them of the area, "You children touchers make me sick! Don't forget to save me some cake."

"Speaking of which, does anybody want cake?" asked Mrs. Lockheart as she held the cake... which was also pressed onto her, um, rather large chest.

"...Yes, please!" said Peter as he and all the other men stared, "And I want to lick the frosting..."

"Do you want to stay for the party, Mr. West?" asked Lois.

"Please?" asked Maddie.

"I'm sorry Maddie, but I have to go," said West, "For crime does not take a vacation and as such, heroes can't either."

"Thank you for bringing my daughter back," said Meg.

"It was my pleasure, Meg," said West, "And Carmen, I bid you farewell and a Happy Batman Birthday!"

"Goodbye, Mr. West," said Maddie as she waved goodbye to Adam West.

West then runs out of the Chuckie Cheese's and into the Batmobile. He then revs up his car and prepares to drive off into the sunset... But crashes right through the wall of the restaurant, shocking all of the guests.

"Okay, that was a bad idea," said West as he hopped out of the car, "Well as long as I'm here, can Stacey and I play in the ball pit?"

**End Chapter.**


	12. Meg Muscles Up

**Chapter 12: Meg Muscles Up**

One afternoon, the family(minus Meg) was watching TV.At that momentMeg runs into the house crying her eyes out.

"I'm fat, smelly, and gross!" cried Meg.

"Oh, that's not true," said Lois, "You smell just fine."

"Oh, she torched your ass, Meg!" said Peter, "She torched your ass!"

"I feel the urge to torch somebody else's ass, too," muttered Zack, "Literally."

"Whatever," said Meg, "Anyway, I was staying after school for-"

"Whoa, whoa! Meg, just stop, okay?" said Peter, "Nobody wants to hear your little sob story. God, you're a bigger attention whore than Tyra Banks."

**Cutaway**

On the Tyra Banks Show, Tyra is speaking with a rape victim.

"Then ten men jumped me, drug me out of my car, gang raped me, set the car on fire, and threatened to kill my husband and two year old daughter if I told anybody," she sobbed.

"Oh sister... sister," said Tyra, "I know how horrible that must've felt. You know, one time I was at Frederick's of Hollywood on Rodeo Drive, and they... they declined my Gold Card in front of another customer! I felt so violated! HOW. DARE.THEY!"

"But I was RAPED!" said the woman.

"Girl, don't make this about Y O U, okay?" said Tyra, "That's just selfish. And other peoples have problems, okay?"

**End Cutaway.**

"Well _I_ want to hear it," said Zack, "What happened?"

"I stayed after school for beach volleyball tryouts," said Meg, "They rejected me without even watching me play... or even letting me get into my swimsuit! And guess who they picked as team captain."

"Let me guess," said Zack, "The long lost daughter of Skeletor?"

"No, Connie D'amico," said Meg.

"But I just said that," said Zack.

"I hate being fat," said Meg, "From now on, I'm starving myself so I can be skinny!"

"That's great!" said Peter, "That means there'll be a LOT more food in the fridge."

"HEY!" said Maddie as she was looking through the fridge, "Who ate the last half of my birthday cake?"

"It was your mother," said Peter as he had frosting smeared all over his face.

"And the ice cream?" said Maddie.

"Your mother," said Peter as he had chocolate ice cream on his face.

"And a quarter of a salad?" asked Maddie.

"That was me," said Peter as he had fried chicken sticking out of his mouth.

"You're obviously stressed," said Jillian, "I'm going to the gym later to practice some yoga. Wanna come?"

"You should give yoga a try," said Lois, "Not only does it relieve stress and enlightens the mind, but you may also learn a new position or two. You know, so Zack doesn't get bored with you in bed."

"Our sex life is FINE thank you very much!" said Zack, "To bad the same can't be said about yours."

"And just what makes you think that?" asked Lois.

"I have my methods," said Zack.

**Flashback**

A few days ago at the grocery store, Lois was doing a little shopping for the family.

"I forget to get some Spam," said Lois as she left her shopping cart.

Zack then comes from a corner and looks around for Lois. He then looks through her shopping cart.

"Let's see..." said Zack, "Cucumbers... bananas... cheese logs... 8 pack of Oscar Meyer wieners... Bun length! Wow, she must really be lonely at night!" he said before he noticed something else, "A pineapple? Okay, now she's just being nasty!"

**End Flashback**

Later at the Quahog gym, Jillian, Lois, and Meg arrive wearing gym clothing and holding duffle bags.

"Okay, there are a few things you need to know about my yoga class," said Jillian, "First of all, for most of the class the instructor makes us do the following positions a lot: upward boat, cow pose, the cobra, head to knee, half shoulder stand, forward bend, half frog pose, camel pose and plow pose to test our butt muscles. Second, if the instructor grabs your rear end during the class, that means you're doing a great job and you're his star pupil."

"Really?" asked Meg.

"Sure," said Jillian, "Although I feel bad for the male students. They NEVER get to be his star pupils..."

"Well the class is starting," said Lois, "We better get going."

As the girls are about to enter the class, the instructor stops Meg from entering.

"Whoa, whoa," he said, "Sorry, no males for today's yoga class."

"But I'm a girl!" protested Meg.

"Yes, we all wanna be who we aren't," said the instructor, "I want to be the owner of the Playboy mansion and sleep with super models, but we can't all have our way, now can we?"

"But-" said Meg.

"Sorry, Meg," said Jillian, "I guess those are the rules."

"Anyway, we'll see you in about an hour," said Lois as she and Jillian walked into the classroom.

Meg then angrily walks to some workout equipment. She then sits down on a workbench and eyes a lone barbell. She then grabs it and lifts it up and down a little.

"This doesn't seem too hard," said Meg, "I guess I can do this, instead. Maybe this can help me lose weight! I could even get fit! I could be just like Chyna... well, before she got exposed..."

**Cutaway**

Chris Jericho is walking into the men's locker room and hears dripping water coming from the bathroom. He sneaks into the bathroom and to his surprise he sees Chyna using the bathroom... STANDING over the toilet.

"I KNEW IT!!" he shouted, "SHE'S A FRAUD!!"

**End Cutaway**

A few weeks later at James Woods High, Connie is down the hall talking to her friends Doug and Lisa about being the captain of the school Volleyball team.

"Being team captain is hard," said Connie, "All that running and bouncing."

"Wow, keeping your eye on the ball must be pretty hard," said Lisa.

"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Connie, "Nobody actually pays attention to the games. They just need something to masturbate to."

"Hell yeah!" said Doug.

They then notice that Meg is digging through her locker again, except that only her bottom half can be seen.

"Ugh, it's looking right at me," said Lisa.

"Meg, move your face!" said Connie, "Wait, that's your ass. Oh well. What's the difference?"

"Hello, Connie," said Meg as she shut her locker. To Connie and her friends' surprise, Meg had well toned muscles on her arms having the body of a female American Gladiator. She flexes her right arm and rips up the sleeve on her shirt.

"Wow..." said Connie, "You finally got the body of a man to go along with that face. Hah! Did you guys hear what I just said about Meg?"

Connie turns and to her surprise, she sees that all of her friends have high tailed it out of there. Connie then turns around to a big fist coming her way which slams right into her face.

"eye yaw!" shouted Connie, "You roke eye yaw!"

(Translation: "My jaw! You broke my jaw!")

Meg then grabs Connie by the hair, and punches her in the face repeatedly. She then stuffs her into a locker, slams it shut, punches some VERY deep dents into the locker a few times and dusts her hands triumphantly. Vengeance had never felt this good. Neil Goldman then takes notice of this.

"Oh. My. God!" said Neil.

"That's right, Neil," said Meg, "I've been working out a little."

"You know, Meg, I could use a private body guard," said Neil, "I don't have money, but I can pay in some... OTHER way..."

"Neil, look at my body," said Meg, "Try to guess what comes next."

"...Smooches?" asked Neil before he was sent flying across the room, "What a woman!..."

After school, Meg and Chris arrive at home. Lois then greets her children.

"So how was school today?" asked Lois.

"Boring..." said Meg, "Did you know that every person who ever picked on me can't fight? Those guys went down faster than a Thai hooker."

"Yeah, especially Craig Hoffman," said Chris, "He may have that tough cool exterior, but deep down inside, he's a big crybaby... And he even managed to make THAT look cool."

"Mommy!" said Maddie as she ran up to Meg.

"There's my baby girl!" said Meg as she scooped up and tightly hugged Maddie with one arm.

"Can't... breathe!" said Maddie from within Meg's grip.

"Ugh, what a disgusting sight," said Stewie as he looked at Meg's muscles, "I haven't been this grossed out since I was a contestant on Fear Factor."

**Flashback**

Stewie and a few other contestants on Fear Factor are waiting for the next challenge.

"Okay and for your next challenge..." said the host.

"Wow, I hope we don't have to stick our hands in a tank full of scorpions," said Stewie to one contestant.

"AAAAAAAAHHH!!" he screamed as he ran away.

"Maybe they want us to put our heads in a tank full of squishy, slimy worms.. and then eat them!" said Stewie to a female contestant.

"BLURGH!!" she throws up.

"They'll probably make us eat human eyeballs from the recently deceased. They're probably all gushy and chewy like gummy worms except they taste nasty," said Stewie to another contestant.

"Oh lord!" he says as he pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head.

"Your next challenge, you each have oil up Rosie O'Donnell, nude!" said the host.

"And don't be afraid to use both hands," said Rosie, "Especially when you go south."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" screamed Stewie.

**End Flashback**

After Stewie's little flashback, Zack enters the room and sees his muscular wife.

"Oh hell..." said Zack, "lo! Hello, Meg! I didn't know you were home!"

"Hey, Zack," said Meg as she let go of Maddie who began to gasp for air. She then hugs Zack in a gripping hug and began curling up his hair with her finger, "I've been thinking about you all day. Have you been thinking about me?"

"Not really!" grunted Zack, "You're cutting off the circulation to my brain!"

"Sorry," said Meg as she dropped Zack, "I'm still trying to get used to these."

"Meg, I don't like the idea of you having those muscles," said Lois.

"You're mother's right," said Peter, "A woman should be thin, blonde, pretty, and be totally helpless. No woman should be capable of helping herself."

"Oh really?" asked Meg, "Dad, punch my stomach."

"Meg, are you nuts?" asked Zack, "You can't possibly let him-"

"Alright! Finally!" said Peter as he made a hard jab on her abs... which hurt his fist badly, "AAH!! HHHSSSSS... AHHHHHH... HHSSSSSS... AHHHHH... HHHHSSSSSS... AAAAHHHH... HHHSSSSSS... AAHHHHH!!"

"She asked you to hit her abs, didn't she?" asked Brian.

"How did you know?" asked Peter.

"I'd rather not talk about it," said Brian as he was hiding his bandaged right hand behind his back.

The next day, Meg has her duffle bag ready. She then notices that Jillian and Lois are in the living room still wearing their regular clothes.

"Why aren't you two dressed?" asked Meg, "We gotta go hit the gym!"

"Sorry, Meg," said Jillian, "The gym's been closed down."

"Apparently, somebody bought the gym," said Lois, "I wonder who?"

**Cutaway**

Meanwhile at the old gym...

"Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men! Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men!" said Al Harrington, "I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men Warehouse and Emporium and we're so overstocked that we now have a new Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men Warehouse and Emporium at where the old Quahog gym used to be and I want to pass the savings on to you! Want to impress your friends? Be the life of the party? How about-"

**End Cutaway**

"I think I've heard enough," said Meg, "I'm gonna go find a new gym."

"I wouldn't bet on it," said Lois, "At least not one that let's women use weight equipment."

"Then I'll just buy some weight equipment!" said Meg.

"But I don't think Zack has the money," said Jillian.

"We'll just use our savings fund!" panicked Meg, "That's it! We can just use that."

"But isn't for putting Maddie in college?" asked Lois.

"Maddie's blonde," said Meg, "I'm sure she can make enough money by doing porn!"

"No you can't," said Jillian, "The second you turn 20, you can forget about it. I know. I've tried..."

"What's going on?" asked Peter as he Zack, Chris, Brian, and Stewie walked into the room.

"The gym's closed down!" said Meg, "I won't be able to work out anymore!"

"Really?" asked Zack, "Wow, that's a shame."

"Yeah, that's terrible," said Chris.

"We're really sorry," said Stewie.

"Yeah, totally sorry," said Peter.

"We feel for you," said Brian, "Anyway, we have to step outside for a moment."

Peter, Zack, Chris, Brian, and Stewie all run outside to the front lawn and begin to do their happy dance. They then quickly run back inside.

"Anyway, I think it's for the best," said Zack.

"No, it isn't!" said Meg, "I've been called fat for all my life and I'm NOT going back! I'm going to keep this body, no matter what!"

She then angrily walks upstairs and slams her door shut which knocks down the picture of Stewie from the wall.

"Something tells me this will not end well," said Stewie.

Later that night after everyone else in the house had fallen asleep, Meg sneaks into Maddie's room in search of something. Now, Maddie isn't the one who had what she was looking for. It was actually something that belonged to Tilly. She then found what she was looking for: a bottle of steroids. She then notices a note:

_"Experimental Steroids. DO NOT TOUCH! Especially you CJ. This isn't candy so don't eat them. Whoever is reading this do not disregard this message and crumple it up. Oh for the love of-"_

And Meg crumples up the paper and walks out of the room with the bottle steroids in hand. The next day, Meg and Zack decide to take Maddie to the park. While there, Maddie is at the sandbox making a new friend.

"Hi there," said Maddie.

"Hi. Cookie?" asked Janet(Yes, the same Janet who Stewie fell in love with from the episode "Dammit Janet". I like to call her the cookie girl.)

"Wow, so you're name's Janet, huh?" asked Maddie, "What do you like?"

"Cookie," said Janet.

"Yeah, I like coloring books, too," said Maddie, "Wanna build a sand castle together?"

"Cookie?" asked Janet.

"Yes, you CAN make a castle out of sand," said Maddie, "Now let's get a bucket."

Meanwhile, Zack and Meg are sitting on a park bench... Except Zack's all the way at the edge of the bench.

"What are you doing all the way at the edge of the bench?" asked Meg, "Are you scared of my muscles?"

"What? NO! Of course not!" chuckled Zack, "That's just silly!"

"Then sit next me," said Meg.

"Yeah, I could," said Zack, "But you're ALL the way over there and I'm SO comfortable. I'd have to get up, stretch my legs-"

"I SAID SIT NEXT TO ME!!" shouted Meg angrily.

"Yes, ma'am!" said Zack as he quickly scooted next to Meg. She than tightly wraps her arms around Zack's body.

Now back in the sandbox, Maddie and Janet are making their sand castle when the big fat bully kid(the one who stole Stewie's tricycle) steps up to them.

"Cool bucket," said the kid as he snatched it away, "Too cool for you!"

"Give it back, lardo!" said Maddie.

"Make me!" said the kid.

"Cookie," said Janet.

"What did she say?" asked the kid.

"Janet says not only do you need to give us our bucket back, but also Sarah Jessica Parker's face so she can give it back to the horse she stole it from," said Maddie.

A few moments later, Maddie and Janet walk up to Meg and Zack all beat up and bruised.

"Maddie! What happened?" asked Meg.

"Some fat kid stole my bucket and beat us up!" cried Maddie, "He made us eat sand!"

"He WHAT??" shouted Meg as she got up and walked to the kid.

"Meg, what are you doing?" asked Zack.

"What do YOU want?" asked the boy.

"You made my daughter cry!" said Meg, "Give her back her bucket!"

"Well it's MY bucket now," said the kid, "And if she wants it back, she has to fight me for it and I already kicked her weak ass until she cried."

Meg then grabs the boy by the collar and begins to punch him... in public! She keeps punching him until he starts to cry.

"WHAT'S THE MATTER, HUH?" asked Meg as she kept punching him, "WHAT? ARE YOU CRYING? DON'T LIKE THAT, DO YOU? DON'T LIKE A TASTE OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, HUH? YOU STILL FEEL LIKE A BIG MAN? WELL DO YOU?"

"Meg have you LOST YOUR MIND?" asked Zack.

"STOP IT! IT HURTS!!" cried the boy.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing to my son, you psycho bitch?" asked the boy's father as he walked up to her.

"YOU'RE his father?" she asked as she grabbed him and began to punch the hell out of him, "LEARN HOW TO RAISE A KID AND NOT GORILLAS YOU ASSWIPE!!"

"KNOCK IT OFF, MEG!!" shouted Zack.

"YOU WANT NEXT, BLONDIE?" shouted Meg as she foamed at the mouth.

"I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me!" begged Zack as he flinched in fear and let Meg continue to pummel the man.

A few days later, Lois was looking around the house cautiously looking for any signs of Meg at all. She then walks into the living room where the rest of the family is sitting.

"Okay she's gone," said Lois, "We all know why we're here. This meeting is about Meg."

"Where? Please don't let her get me!" cried Zack, "DON'T LET HER GET ME!! Not after last night!"

**Flashback**

Meg is waiting in bed for Zack.

"Zackie... come to bed," she said seductively.

"I can't," said Zack as he was holding a pillow and some sheets, "I'm sleeping in the living room tonight."

"What?" asked Meg.

"I just wanted to watch some of my favorite shows," said Zack, "You know, the ones that come on really really late while you're asleep."

"But all that comes on are a bunch of reruns of Survivor and a bunch of nature shows on PBS," said Meg.

"You know me. I loves me some nature shows..." chuckled Zack before he thought, _"I refuse to even LIE about liking that tripe called Survivor!"_

"Zack, get over here and make love to me RIGHT NOW!" shouted Meg.

"I don't wanna!" said Zack.

"I wasn't asking!" she grunted.

As soon as Zack tried to make a break for the door, she tackles him and drags him back into the room.

"Let me go!" shouted Zack, "HELP ME!! HELP ME!! NOOOOOO!!"

Meanwhile in the other room...

"They're making love again," said Lois as she ignored Zack's cries for help and the loud ripping of clothing.

"Ah, young sex," said Peter, "So pure..."

**End Flashback**

"It's weird how Meg's getting so angry all of a sudden," said Brian, "This should have happened YEARS ago."

"I think I know why," said Tilly, "She's been taking my experimental steroids."

"Wait, why do you need steroids?" asked Chris.

"It's a convenient plot device," said Tilly.

"What?" asked Jillian.

"Ah, you wouldn't understand," said Tilly.

"My god! My baby's taking steroids!" said Lois in worry.

"Steroids?" asked Peter, "That's gonna shrink Meg's junk."

"She doesn't have junk," said Zack.

"Meg's a SHE?" asked Peter.

"Oh god, I see her!" said Stewie as he was peeking out the window.

"Okay, somebody's gotta talk to her," said Lois.

"Well, I guess it's up to ME!" said Peter... as he shoved Zack right into Meg as she opened the door.

"It looks like somebody knows what I'm in the mood for," said Meg seductively.

"Meg, we need to talk," said Zack, "The family and I know you've been taking steroids."

"Yeah, so?" asked Meg.

"We're kinda thinking that maybe you could... you know, not use them anymore?" asked Zack, "Or maybe only use them a teensy little bit? A teeny tiny little bit?"

"I see..." said Meg as she then slammed a wooden chair right on Zack, "I should've known! You're jealous of my muscles!!"

"But the family! They-" said Zack before he notices the front door was shut. He tries to open it, but it's barricaded. He only had one thing to say, "Ooooooh, f(bleep)ck..."

Meg then grabbed Zack by the neck and tossed him into the wall. She slams a vase on him and begins to punch him in the face repeatedly.

"I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!" shouted Meg, "YOU DON'T CARE!! YOU JUST WANT ME TO BE FAT JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE DOES!! YOU'RE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!! YOU JUST WANT TO PICK ON ME!! YOU JUST WANT SOMETHING TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF!!"

"Meg... stop..." said Zack weakly as Meg grabbed him by the shirt collar. She then turned to a broken mirror and looked at herself.

"Oh my god!" said Meg, "Zack! Zack, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hurt you! Are you okay?"

Zack then began coughing up blood. She then looks over at a photo of Peter smiling back at her. She then remember how Peter cowardly flung Zack at her and made him take the beating for him.

"Peter..." she said angrily as her eyes became bloodshot. Her muscles began tensing as she was growing larger in size. Her skin had become green as did her hair, and her clothes began tearing up. She had become a Hulk like creature.

"Peter make Meg hurt Zack!" she growled, "Now Meg DESTROY Peter!"

She then broke open a hole in the wall and walked out of the house. She then noticed that the entire family was standing in the front lawn.

"Where Peter?" growled Meg.

"Meg? What's happened to you?" asked Lois, before Meg grabbed her and lifted her up to her face.

"I SAID WHERE PETER?" she shouted.

At that moment, the station wagon bursted out of the garage and zoomed off into the city.

"AAAARGH!! MEG MAD!!" shouted Meg as she punched down a tree, "MEG SMASH!! MEG TEAR APART CITY AND CRUSH PETER!!"

Meg then began stomping her way into the city, leaving a huge footprint and an Earthquake behind with each step.

"We gotta stop her before she wrecks the city and kills Peter!" said Brian.

"I'm gonna stay home and make an antidote," said Tilly.

"Good thinking! The rest of you stay here," said Lois, "Zack, Brian and I are gonna try to talk some sense into Meg."

"Wow, what a terrific plan," said Zack sarcastically, "And while we're at it, let's go to Target's and wear shirts that say, 'Hey over here you big ugly hulking dummy! Rip me to shreds and rape what's left of my corpse!' BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE'RE BASICALLY DOING!!"

"Just get your car ready!" said Lois, "Who knows what kind of danger Peter's in!"

Meanwhile where Peter is...

"OH MY GOD!!" screamed Peter to the top of his lungs, "1.29 for a big cheeseburger? That's a steal!"

At that moment, Meg break through the wall of the Jack in the Box causing all the customer to run for their lives.

"PETER!!" shouted Meg, "NOW MEG SPLIT YOU IN HALF!!"

"Meg, I'm your father!" said Peter, "That is just nasty, and what would your mother think? I mean, you'd have to go and buy a sex toy and-"

Meg then grabs Peter by his shirt collar.

"Oh crap!" shouted Peter.

Back at Tilly's lab, Tilly is hard at work looking for a cure.

"Are you finished, yet?" asked Maddie, "We have to save my mom! ...Oh and grandpa."

"Almost! I need to balance out the..." said Tilly before she noticed Janet, "Um, who's she?"

"Oh, this is my new friend Janet," said Maddie.

"Janet?" asked Stewie, "Janet from daycare? You invited HER into my room?"

"Hey, nobody complains when you throw your sexy parties in here!" said Maddie, "Speaking of which, would it kill you to clean up when your done? I almost tripped over this!" she continued as she held up a bra.

CJ then walks into the room and notices Janet. Janet then looks at CJ and smiles. CJ then smiles back at her.

"Hi," said CJ.

"Hi," said Janet, "Cookie?"

"Oh my gosh! What's she saying?" asked CJ, "Does she like my hair? Is she asking for my phone number? Do I have a nice butt? Is there something stuck between my teeth?"

"No," said Maddie, "She just wants to know if you want some of her cookie? Geez, it's just one word. It doesn't need to be over analyzed."

"We have lots of cookies in the kitchen!" said CJ in excitement as he ran out of the room, "Let me get some!"

"Cookie?" asked Janet.

"No, he's not seeing anybody," said Maddie.

"Cookie," said Janet.

"You really think he's cute?" asked Maddie.

Meanwhile back in town, Meg is pummeling the hell out of Peter when Zack, Lois, and Brian show up.

"Oh my god! Peter!" said Lois.

"We have to do something," said Brian.

"Way ahead of you," said Zack, "WORK ON HIS KIDNEYS!!"

"No, I mean do something to help Peter!" said Brian.

"Brian, don't you remember how Peter ruined your relationship with Jillian?" asked Zack.

"..." Brian thought for a moment, "MAKE HIM EAT PAVEMENT!!"

"OW!" shouted Peter off screen, "THIS PAVEMENT TASTES TERRIBLE!!"

"Oh, yeah! That felt good!" laughed Brian.

"Guys, knock it off!" said Lois, "Joe let me borrow his tranquillizer gun, but I only have one dart."

"Damn! That means you need to get a clear shot," said Brian.

"I got it!" said Zack, "We'll let Meg pummel Peter until she tires herself out."

"I got an idea!" said Lois, "We'll disguise Zack as Peter and distract her while we untie Peter so he can get the shot."

"...OR we can let Meg pummel Peter until she tires herself out," said Zack.

"Please, Zack," begged Lois, "Peter can get a better shot at her! You have to do it. I promise I'll make it worth your while!"

"Fine," said Zack, "But I want something BIG in return!"

"Okay, so what'll it be?" asked Lois, "Money? Sex?"

"I want a Salisbury steak dinner with the best steak sauce there is," said Zack.

"...Are you sure you don't want sex?" asked Lois.

A few minutes later, Meg has Peter tied to a pole while she's punching the daylights out of him. At that moment, Zack comes from the corner in a fat Peter suit.

Hehehehehe!" chuckled Zack trying to do his best Peter impression(and a bad one at that), "I'm Peter Griffin! I'm fat, lazy, and have no respect for women. I also hate Meg because she is a girl and not a boy just like my retarded fat son and my possibly gay football headed son."

"Peter?" she asked as she looked at the real Peter and then Zack. She then runs after him, "PETER!!"

"OH MY GOD!!" screamed Zack as he ran for his life.

"Peter, are you alright?" asked Brian as he and Lois began to untie him.

"We better untie you before Meg finds out that's Zack," said Lois.

"So what was she about to do to you?" asked Brian.

"She was just about to rip my head off," said Peter.

"...Damn!" said Lois.

Meg then rips off the Peter head from the suit and sees Zack trembling in fear.

"Zack?" asked Meg as she turned around to see Lois and Brian untying Peter.

"We gotta get outta here!" said Peter before all three of them were grabbed by Meg in a gripping bear hug.

"YOU TRICK MEG!!" shouted Meg angrily, "YOU ALMOST MAKE MEG HURT ZACK AGAIN!! NOW MEG CRUSH YOU!!"

"Can't... breathe!" choked Lois.

"I guess this is it!" said Peter, "Before we all die, I just want to let you all know one thing!"

"What is it?" asked Lois.

"Gas is going up!" said Peter, before he lets out a loud fart.

"Dude! That's just nasty!" shouted Brian.

"HAHAHAHA!! I still got it!" laughed Peter, "But seriously, though. This is the end."

However, before Meg could crush them to death, Zack shoots the tranquillizer dart at her. She then gets drowsy and falls over unconscious... right on top of Peter, Lois, and Brian.

"Good thing I tranquilized her before she did some real damage to you, right guys?" asked Zack. He then notices that they aren't moving, "...Guys?"

A few days(and hospital bills) later, Tilly was finally able to fully cure Meg's mutation. However, the cure also got rid of her muscles so she's now back to her normal physique.

"...And that's what happened," said Zack after he explained everything to her.

"Really? Wow... Dad, I'm sorry for almost killing you," said Meg before she thought about it, "...Wait a minute! No I'm not! I should've done it YEARS ago!"

"Well the important thing is that you're back to normal," said Lois.

"And fat..." said Meg.

"Meg, I never thought you were fat at all," said Zack, "To me, you're very beautiful."

"Hah! That was a great joke! Good one, Zack," said Peter.

"...I wasn't joking," said Zack.

"Oh..." said Peter, "Well, then you must be a very sad man."

"Shut up!" said Zack, "Anyway, Meg, you never needed those muscles anyway. Just remember that I'll always love you... besides, they made you look like a freak anyway."

"Aww, Zack!" she said as she rest her head onto his shoulder.

"Cookie!" said Janet.

"You said a mouthful," said Maddie as everybody in the room then laughed.

"Hahaha... Okay, why are we laughing?" asked Stewie.

**End Chapter. **


	13. Johnny Hoffman Must Die!

**Chapter 13: Johnny Hoffman Must Die**

**A/N: Before we begin, I'd like to thank Blue Hat Jack for suggesting the idea for this chapter. He suggested this a while aga, right after Meg's Boyfriend ended. Sorry if this chapter isn't funny enough.  
**

Early in the morning, Zack was in the bathroom taking a shave. Meg was outside of the bathroom, waiting for him to come out.

"What is taking you so long?" asked Meg, "You've been in there for half an hour! I need you to take me to school!"

"Don't rush me!" said Zack, "I'm trying to trim my beard and If I screw up, I'm gonna cut it all off. Without my beard, I'll be Peter. Do you want to be married to your dad?"

"God no!" shuddered Meg, "Not again."

"He still in there?" asked Peter.

"He's shaving," said Meg.

"God, he's spending more time in there than I did when I had that spicy bean burrito," said Peter.

**Flashback**

Peter is in the bathroom farting very loudly.

"Oh god!" shouted Peter from the bathroom, "Here comes a big one!"

"Oh lord! We better duck and cover," said Lois as everybody ducked, except Zack.

"Duck and cover?" asked Zack, "But it's just a fart! You don't need to-"

The house then explodes in a ball of flames as Peter farts once more. Meanwhile outside, Cleveland and Quagmire notice this.

"Uh oh," said Quagmire, "Peter must've had that spicy bean burrito again."

"GODDAMMIT!! MY CLOTHES!!" shouted Zack, "THEY'RE RUINED!!"

"And it sounds like somebody forgot to duck and cover," said Cleveland.

**End Flashback**

"I'll take you to school, Meg," said Lois.

"Wait, did Chris have a breakfast burrito for breakfast?" asked Meg.

"No," said Lois.

"Then I'll ride with you," said Meg, "I put on perfume I want it to **stay** smelling like perfume."

"Why do you gotta break balls?" asked Chris.

"It's not ball breaking if it's the truth," said Meg, "C'mon, Maddie! We're going with grandma!"

"Okay, I'm ready," said Maddie as she was holding a box.

"What is that?" asked Meg, "Is today show and tell day?"

"No. Maddie isn't allowed to do show and tell anymore," said Lois, "Don't you remember the bullfrog incident?"

"Hey, frogs like warm places!" said Maddie, "It's not my fault Mrs. Lockheart leaves the top buttons on her blouse off. Besides, these are water balloons."

"Water balloons? But why?" asked Meg.

"Olivia told me that we might be having a new kid in the class," said Maddie, "I just want to give him or her a warm welcome."

"Ah, hazing the new kid," said Brian, "Quite possibly the greatest American pastime since baseball and Reality TV. Nothing beats embarrassing a child and making them cry on their first day of school instead of being their friend."

"I know," said Peter, "Isn't it great?"

"Heh, I loved hazing the new kids," said Zack, "I remember hazing this one kid in particular back in high school."

**Flashback**

In James Woods High school, Zack is a 17 year old senior in the bathroom holding a kid upside down for a swirly. The kid was... 14 year old Meg Griffin and she had a very bad haircut and wore different clothes. Also, Zack had shorter hair that was dyed brown, had a full beard and also wore different clothes.

"But I'm not a boy!" shouted Meg.

"Yeah, yeah! Talk to the toilet, freshman!" said Zack as he dunked Meg's head into the toilet.

**End Flashback**

"But then I got suspended and had to go to a different school," said Zack.

"The same thing happened to me when I was a freshman," said Meg, "Some guy kept giving me a swirly."

"You know, if I ever find him, I'm gonna kick his ass," said Zack,

"Should I tell them, or should you?" asked Peter.

"I think it's better that they don't know," said Lois.

Later at the preschool, Mrs. Lockheart is in front of the class ready to announce something.

"Good morning class," said Mrs. Lockheart, "I have a very special announcement for you all. We have a new student in our class and I want you all to make him feel very welcomed."

"Wonder what's he like?" asked Olivia.

"He's probably a freak," said Bertram.

"I'll bet he's one, too," said Stewie, "He probably has a big forehead, and his eye are spread apart, and he wears a Coconut Fred backpack."

"Ugh, that is freaky," said Maddie, "I can't wait to pelt him with water balloons."

"I want you to all welcome Johnny Hoffman," said Mrs. Lockheart.

At that moment, Johnny enters the classroom. Instead of being the Coconut Fred backpack wearing freak, he is instead a good looking boy with black slick back hair, a white shirt, leather jacket, jeans with the knee holes, and small biker boots. He was also wearing a Spongebob backpack.

"Whoa," said Olivia, "Look at him."

"Oh my gosh..." said Maddie, "He's **hot**."

"Hi," said Johnny to Maddie and Olivia, "Is this seat taken?"

"Now Madeline!" said Stewie, "Pelt him with the water balloons!"

"Drench him in his tears!" said Bertram.

Olivia and Maddie then toss the water balloons backwards... into Bertram and Stewie who fall out of their seats.

"GAH! Sewer water!" shouted Stewie.

"BURNING BLEACH!!" screamed Bertram.

"Here! Sit next to me!" said Maddie offering Johnny Stewie's former seat.

"No, next to me!" said Olivia.

"No, me!" said a random girl.

"No me!" said another random girl.

"No, me!" said another.

"What the deuce?" asked Stewie, "It seems that the females are falling head over heels for this boy!"

"It's sickening!" said Bertram, "Just look at him! He practically has the women eating from the palm of his hand!"

"Aw c'mon, guys," said CJ, "I'll bet he's not all bad."

At that moment, Janet walks up to Johnny.

"Hey there, cutie," said Johnny.

"Hi," said Janet, "I like you. Cookie?"

"WE NEED TO KICK HIS ASS!!" shouted CJ.

Meanwhile in the Griffin house, Zack walks into the bathroom and sees Meg working on the toilet with a plunger.

"What the hell are you doing here?" asked Zack, "Aren't you supposed to be in school?"

"I was, but dad pulled me out," said Meg, "He said he dropped his watch in the toilet."

"Why won't he make Chris do it?" asked Zack.

"He says he doesn't want Chris' masturbating hand ruined," said Meg, "Then he says to me, hey you don't do anything important with your right hand. Zack does that stuff for you."

"So you find his cheap Star Wars Dollar Store wallet yet," asked Zack.

"Not yet, I'm gonna go deep," said Meg as she stuck her hand deeper into the toilet, "Crap!"

"What?" asked Zack.

"I'm stuck!" said Meg, "Pull me out!"

"I got you!" said Zack as he grabbed Meg by the ankles and pulled. She is then free and Meg is hanging upside down over the toilet... Uh oh...

"Wait a minute..." they said in unison, "...YOU!"

"You're the senior that gave me a swirly!" said Meg.

"And you're that freshman I gave a swirly to!" said Zack, "I don't believe this!"

"I'll say!" said Meg angrily, "Thanks to you I was called Toilet girl for the rest of the year... And Toilet GUY... and Toilet pink hat thing! Especially Toilet pink hat thing!"

"Well thanks to YOU snitching, I got expelled and had to go to a ghetto school!" said Zack angrily, "I had so many drug connections, it wasn't funny! Heroin, crack, ectasy..."

"What about pot?" asked Meg.

"No, I didn't need school for that," said Zack, "My mom already had all the pot I needed since I was 12."

**Flashback**

12 year old Zack and a young teenage Jillian are in his mom's room stealing her pot.

"Uh oh!" said Jillian, "Mom's in here!"

"Don't worry," said Zack as he took the bag of pot, "She's too baked to even notice us."

They then run out of the room.

"DAMMIT! FRANK!!" shouted Valarie, "The mop's stealing my pot again!"

**End Flashback**

Much later after school in Chris' treehouse, all the preschool boys have gathered and are discussing about Johnny Hoffman.

"We all know why we're here," said Stewie, "This meeting is about Johnny Hoffman, the vile sleaze who has taken our virgins and is deflowering them with his good looks and chitter chatter about coolness. What must we do about him?"

"I say we shove his head into a toilet and then make him eat his own poo!" shouted CJ.

"I say we shove M-80s into his pants!" said Bertram.

"Guys, guys, I think we're being a bit too hasty," said Victor(Yes, the same Victor from Chick Cancer, the episode where Stewie marries Olivia. Yeah, I don't feel like making up new characters.), "I'm sure Johnny's just a nice upstanding guy when you get to know him. I say we give him a chance."

All the other boys just glare at him.

"You know what, Victor?" asked Stewie, "That's a clever idea. A very very clever idea. We should all just be friends with him. Why thank you, Victor. Oh we don't know what would've happened if we didn't listen to you."

"Ah, well, you know me," said Victor, "Upstanding guy and all that."

"Hm, yes indeed," said Stewie, "Um could sit on that chair?"

"What? This one?" asked Victor, "Sure, but I don't see why."

"It's because you're so brilliant, Victor," said Stewie, "A man among me, is he not?"

"Ah, stop, Stewie. You're making me- WHAT THE HELL?" he asked as the chair suddenly strapped him on. Rockets then appear on the back of the chair and propel him upwards towards the sky. He then screams out loud as the chair shoots and then explodes in the sky.

"Anyone else have a 'give peas a chance' mentality?" asked Stewie angrily.

"NO!" shouted the other boys.

"And that's why CJ, Bertram, and I are going to take action like **real** men do!" said Stewie, "Rest assured, when we're finished, Johnny Hoffman will be no more!"

The others then cheered at that announcement. Meanwhile in the house, Maddie walks into the living room and notices that her parents are sitting apart on the couch.

"...Do you guys know why Victor is on the front lawn smoldering?" asked Maddie.

"Why don't you talk to your dad?" asked Meg bitterly, "He's a bully. Maybe HE did it."

"Well yeah, it couldn't have been your mom," said Zack bitterly, "She's too much of a weakling to do it!"

"Anyway, mom, I need advice," said Maddie, "I want to get a boy to like me."

"Well, you're asking the wrong person," said Zack, "She makes all the boys kill themselves!"

"Shut up!" said Meg, "I'm talking to my daughter! I'M the one who squeezed her out while I was in labor for 8 hours!"

"That's not fair!" said Zack, "I was stuck in traffic for the first 5 hours!"

"I think I can answer your question," said Lois, "You should just be yourself and be nice to him. I'm sure that if you talk to him, you'll both find that you have a lot of things in common and I'm sure he'll like you back."

"Oh c'mon, Lois," said Peter as he rolled his eyes, "That advice sure as hell didn't work for Meg and it's not gonna work for her, either."

"That's not true. Meg found the man of her dreams," said Lois as she looked over at Meg and Zack, "Until now."

"Maddie, what you oughta do is throw yourself onto him," said Peter, "Just wear lots of makeup and skanky clothes."

"Peter, she's only one!" said Lois.

"What?" asked Peter, "That's what you did when you tried to get with your High School crush."

**Flashback**

Back when Lois was in High School, she had on lots of makeup and was wearing really skanky clothes.

"Hi there, Joey," she said to Joey, captain of the football team, "I heard you liked really skanky girls with red hair and lots of makeup."

"Uhh, sorry. You're not my type," said Joey, "Beside, I already found somebody. You ready, Becky?"

"Ready, Joey," said Becky, who was a red haired female clown that was dressed up like a hooker.

"What can I say?" asked Joey, "She makes me laugh."

"So you feeling horny today?" asked Becky as she honked her clown horn.

"HAHAHA! See? What did I tell ya?" asked Joey.

**End Flashback**

The next day at preschool during recess, Johnny is sitting on the edge of the sandbox combing his hair while Olivia and Maddie are on the swings admiring him. Tilly, however is reading a book on quantum physics and ignoring Johnny completely.

"Look at him," said Olivia, "He's so awesome."

"He's so hot," said Maddie.

Johnny then looks over to Maddie and Olivia and then winks.

"Oh my gosh!" said Olivia, "Did you see that? He winked at me!"

"No way," said Maddie, "He was winking at **me**."

"No I'm sure he was winking in my general direction," said Olivia.

"No he was winking at **me**, so get over it you cow!" said Maddie.

"Well he wasn't winking at **you**," said Olivia, "Unless he has a dog fetish!"

"How dare you!" said Maddie.

"How dare **you**!" said Olivia.

"Tilly, who did he wink at?" asked Maddie.

"Who cares?" asked Tilly, "I'm not going to waste my time oogling over some boy when I can doing something much MUCH more interesting like learning the basics of nuclear physics."

"...She's just mad because Johnny wasn't winking at her," said Olivia.

"Yeah, what a spinster," said Maddie.

Meanwhile behind the bushes, Stewie, CJ, and Bertram were in hiding while watching Johnny with a pair of binoculars.

"There! At the sandbox!" said CJ, "He's combing his hair."

"Oh this is oh so delicious!" said Bertram, "We can destroy him AND steal his comb as a trophy! Stewie, are you ready?"

"In a moment," said Stewie as he was adjusting his ray gun, "I'm adjusting the frequency to kill."

Stewie is adjusting the frequency from stun to shake n' bake to God that hurts to kill but not to agonizing exploding death(he's saving that for Lois.)

"Say hi to Mr. Weed, Francis, and Stripes for me," said Stewie as he fired the laser.

"Man, I'm so hot I just have to look at myself," said Johnny as he pulled out a mirror. He then tilts his head for a second and caused the laser to bounce right back. It hits the bush and sets it on fire. All three of the boys run from out of the bush as they are on fire.

"I'M ON FIRE!!" shouted Stewie, "QUICK, PUT ME OUT!!"

"NO YOU PUT _ME_ OUT!" shouted Bertram.

"I'm a superhero!" laughed CJ, "Flame on! OUCH IT BURNS!! BEING A HERO SUCKS!!"

Tilly then walks up to them, covering them in dirt and manure, successfully putting out the flames.

"Thanks," said Stewie.

"Anytime," said Tilly as she leaves.

"Okay, I come up with the next plan," said Bertram.

Later in the classroom, the children are fingerpainting. Johnny is fingerpainting a picture of himself.

"Rats, I'm all out of black for my hair," said Johnny.

"Here! You can use mine!" said Maddie.

"No, use mine!" said Olivia, "It doesn't have spit in it!"

"My black paint doesn't have spit in it!" said Maddie.

Olivia then hawks a loogie into Maddie's cup.

"Now it does," said Olivia.

At the boys' table, Bertram has a blow dart ready with a poison tipped dart.

"Watch and learn how to truly be evil and cold blooded, Stewie," said Bertram as he then blew the dart in Johnny's direction.

"That's a very lovely painting, Johnny," said Mrs. Lockheart as he bent over to see his painting.

"Oh, crap..." said Bertram as the dart hit Mrs. Lockheart right in her butt and she fell over unconscious.

At that moment, Quagmire bursts into the classroom.

"Hey, Stewie, your mom sent me to..." said Quagmire as he noticed Mrs. Lockheart unconscious on the floor, "...Escort your teacher to my place. Anyway, I'll pick you up later. Alriiight!"

He then carries Mrs. Lockheart's unconscious body and runs out of the classroom as quickly as possible. A loud slap is then heard as Mrs. Lockheart walks back into the room.

"Oh no," said Mrs. Lockheart, "Not **this **time, Glen. I put poison antidote in my breasts in case you'd try that again."

"Oh come on!" said Quagmire, "I only did that to you twice!"

Back at the Griffin house, Zack is in the bathroom trimming his beard. Meg then barges into the bathroom.

"What the hell?" asked Zack, "I'm trimming my beard!"

"Well I need to use the bathroom!" said Meg angrily, "Now get out!"

"Wait until I'm done!" said Zack.

Meg then grabs the razor and just hacks all of Zack's bear off.

"There! You're done!" she said.

"You stupid bitch!" said Zack.

Zack then grabs Meg's hat, throws it into the toilet and flushes it. Meg then shoves Zack. Zack then shoves her back. Meg shoves him again. Zack shoves her in the wall. Meg then punches Zack. Zack grabs Meg and slaps her. Meg then mounts on Zack and punches him repeatedly. Zack grabs her by the collar and begins to punch her in the face. Meg then kicks Zack in the balls and then in the ribs. Zack gets up and grabs Meg in a headlock and punches her some more. Meg breaks free and punches Zack again. She then grabs his head and shoves into the toilet. She slams the lid on his head repeatedly and begins flushing the toilet. Zack then raises his head and begins to gasp for air. Meg and Zack then look at each other for a few minutes.

"What the hell are we doing?" asked Meg, "We're pulverizing each other over something that happened 3 years ago!"

"I'm beating my own wife," said Zack in disbelief, "And over what? Being expelled from James Woods High?"

"I wonder what got into us?" asked Meg.

"It's kind of funny, actually," said Zack.

"What do you mean?" asked Meg.

"We both said that we ruined each other's lives," said Zack, "But we were both happily married before all THIS started."

"Yeah... I guess it is kinda funny," chuckled Meg, "Zack, I don't want us to ever fight again."

"Me either," said Zack, "We'd be setting a bad example for Maddie. Just imagine if she got violent."

Meanwhile at the preschool, Maddie is grabbing Olivia by her dress collar and has her pressed against a wall.

"Why the hell are you wearing ruby red lip gloss?" asked Maddie angrily, "You skank! You're trying to steal Johnny from me!"

"And what about you?" asked Olivia, "You got glitter in your hair. You're broadcasting yourself like some dollar hooker!"

"What flavor lip gloss is it?" asked Maddie, "WHAT IS IT?"

"Like I'll tell you," said Olivia.

Maddie then forcefully kisses Olivia in the lips. She then releases and licks her lips.

"YOU BITCH!!" she shouted, "THIS IS CHERRY FLAVOR"

"Um... no it isn't," lied Olivia, "Maybe you should check again."

"You keep your hands off Johnny, you filthy slut!" shouted Maddie.

"Tramp!" shouted Olivia.

Whore!" shouted Maddie.

"Slut!" shouted Olivia.

"Bimbo!" shouted Maddie.

"Skank!" shouted Olivia.

"Hussy!" shouted Maddie.

"Sexy bitch!" shouted Olivia.

"What?"

"I said stupid bitch!" said Olivia quickly.

The two toddlers then get into a catfight. They bite, kick, and scratch each on the sandbox.

"Wait... why are you two fighting?" asked Johnny.

"We're fighting over you," said Olivia.

Johnny just laughs at them.

"What the hell's so funny?" asked Maddie.

"You two," said Johnny, "You two were fighting over me? Please! I wouldn't go out with EITHER of you."

"Then why did you wink at us?" asked Olivia.

"I was winking at the brown haired girl," said Johnny.

"Tilly?" asked Maddie.

"Ah, who cares what her name is?" asked Johnny, "She's a girl and she's hot, unlike you two... and that retarded kid who says cookie alot."

"...Cookie?..." asked Janet from the distance as she was about to cry.

"You're both ugly, anyways," said Johnny, "I'd probably catch rabies if I kissed you... but thanks for the paint and pouring your hearts and souls over little old me."

"You creepazoid!" said Olivia as she was about to cry, "I liked you!"

"So did I!" said Maddie, "I wanted us to go out!"

"Sorry, but I don't date dudes," said Johnny

"Now you see here!" said Stewie as he and the other boys approached him, "You can say all you want about this gargoyle over here," he continued as he pointed to Olivia, "But I won't stand around and let you insult my niece!"

"Yeah!" said Bertram, "Maddie is very pretty. I don't think YOU'RE good enough for her!"

"Geez, you both defend her so much, why don't YOU guys marry her," asked Johnny.

"Weren't you listening?" asked Stewie, "I'm her uncle! Even if she is pretty... and quite smart..."

"..." Bertram just looked at Maddie in silence and smiled.

"NO!" said Maddie.

Bertram then frowned.

"And I'm not gonna let you insult Janet!" said CJ.

"Hey, what about me?" asked Olivia, "Isn't somebody going to defend MY honor?"

"And it's unfair that you insult horses, too!" said Stewie.

"Thanks alot..." muttered Olivia.

"We damand that you apologize to these girls!" said Bertram.

"Why don't you make me?" asked Johnny.

"Gladly!" said Olivia as she angrily cack sacked him in the crotch, "He's all yours, boys."

"NO! Watch the hair!" shouted Johnny as Stewie, CJ, and Bertram proceeded to pummel him.

"Ugh, I can't believe we liked him," said Maddie, "What a loser."

"We almost destroyed our friendship over this guy," said Olivia, "I'm sorry I called you those names earlier."

"Me too," said Maddie.

"Let's never fight over boys again," said Olivia, "...Or girls."

"..." Maddie just stares at Olivia.

"Just throwing that out there as a possibility," said Olivia.

"...Are you a lesbian?" asked Maddie.

"..." Olivia just stares at Maddie for a few seconds, "...No."

**End Chapter.**


	14. Sex Lies and Rock

**Chapter 14: Sex Lies and Rock**

**A/N: After the complaints about the Peter bashing, I decided to take some liberties and edit the chapter quite a bit. Hope you like this version much better.**

It was a beautiful night in Quahog. The family had arrived to the annual Quahog Rock Festival.

"It was so cool of your mom to give us tickets to the Quahog Rock Festival, Zack," said Meg.

"How was she able to get a hold of so many tickets?" asked Lois, "I thought they were all sold out."

"She was able to persuade the sponsors with a little something something, if you know what I mean," said Zack as he winked to them.

**Flashback**

"Hand them over," said Valarie as she pointed a shotgun to a bunch of guys in suits while wearing a ski mask.

**End Flashbacks**

The family keeps on wandering the festival until they run into a huge group of emos standing around being depressed and all.

"Hey, Lois," said Peter, "Watch me mess with these emo kids' head."

"Peter, I don't know..." said Lois.

"C'mon, they're just kids," said Peter as he grabbed a megaphone, "MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE WILL NOT BE PLAYING TONIGHT!!"

"NOOO!!" screamed one emo as he cut himself with a razor blade.

"THIS FESTIVAL ISN'T WORTH LIVING THROUGH!!" screamed another as she cut herself.

"IT'S ONLY ONE BAND, BUT I'LL CUT MYSELF ANYWAY!!" screamed another as he cut himself.

"Just wearing these tight clothes make me wanna kill myself... and I think I will" said another as she cut herself.

And soon all the emo had cut themselves and fell to the floor.

"HAHAHAHA! I'm just kidding. You kids can get up now," said Peter as puddles of blood began to form, "...Uh oh..."

"I fear for Cody's safety," Zack whispered to Meg.

"You know, Meg," said Stewie from Lois' arms, "You actually fit in with these people. They always whine and complain and they cut themselves. You know, you could, um, actually be a part of their group right now, so um... hintity hint hint."

"Shut up," said Maddie from Meg's arms.

"Hey, I see Valarie," said Brian.

"Val, there you are," said Lois.

"Grandma Val!" said Maddie as she ran into Valarie's arms.

"Maddie! Glad you all could make it," said Valarie.

"Why did you want us to come to this thing anyway?" asked Peter.

"It was for Zack," said Valarie, "I always took him to the Quahog Rock Festival when he was a boy."

"It's true," said Zack, "I loved going to these things. One time when the Rolling Stones were here, Keith Richards threw his guitar into the audience and I almost caught it."

"What happened?" asked Chris.

"I caught it, but then some kid beat me up and took it from me," said Zack, "He then grew up to become a successful rock star with a ton of money while I have to live in an idiots and freaks manufacturing plant."

"Zack! That's our house!" said Lois.

"I know!" said Zack, "And Meg was a defect... Thank god."

"Well, this certainly takes us back to our groupie days," said Lois.

"I'll say," said Valarie, "Some good times..."

"I know," said Lois, "When I think of all the rock stars we slept with..."

"Just you," said Valarie, "I hardly got any action at all."

"And is that supposed to be my fault?" asked Lois.

"You told every guy that I was a lesbian," said Valarie.

"I don't know where you'd get that idea," said Lois.

"GENE SIMMONS TOLD ME HIMSELF!!" shouted Valarie, "I DIDN'T GET TO BE WITH KISS BECAUSE OF YOU!! ...But I'm not bitter though because at least I got with Madonna... But that was pity sex."

"So Madonna felt sorry for you?" asked Lois.

"Who said she felt sorry for ME?" asked Valarie.

"Oh... okay then..." said Lois.

"Tell me more..." said Chris.

Later near the end of the concert, the Rolling Stones had finished their big number. The audience then cheered loudly.

"Thank you, Quahog!" shouted Keith Richards as he threw his guitar into the audience.

"Zack, look!" said Meg as she pointed to the guitar coming his way.

"I don't believe it!" said Zack, "Another chance! I've been waiting for this my whole life! I can finally redeem myself and live my dream as-"

Zack was then shoved away by Peter as he caught the guitar.

"Oh my god!" said Peter, "I got Keith Richard's guitar! I am so awesome!"

"But... I... It... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Zack to the top of his lungs.

Meanwhile at Mayor West's office, Adam West is doing paperwork until...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

"No?" asked West, "I'll sign this new town law of wearing silly hats on Fridays whether you like it or not, so YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!... I showed him. That hat hater."

Meanwhile in the living room, Peter walks in dressed up as Gene Simmons from Kiss while holding the guitar(Remember when Peter and Lois went to that Kiss concert? Well that's how he looks like.).

"Peter, what the hell are you doing?" asked Lois.

"Wow, dad! You look awesome!" said Chris, "You look just like Sting!"

"I think you look like a freak," said Meg.

"That is a misconception, Meg. I'm not dressed like you," said Peter, "Anyway, after last night, I have decided that I want to start a career as a rock star."

"A rock star career?" asked Lois

"This is only asking for trouble," said Maddie.

"What are you talking about?" asked Peter, "I'll be fine. This will go smoothly just like all my other music careers... Well, except for my rap career.".

**Flashback**

Peter is on the stage of a live rap concert wearing baggy jeans, a jersey, a backwards baseball cap, and a lot of jewelry.

"Petey P in da house!" rapped Peter, "Lemmie here ya say hay!"

"HAY!" shouted the crowd.

"HO!" he rapped

"HO!"

"Hehehehehe!" he rapped

"HEHEHEHEHE!"

"I be hangin' in the projects, fightin them popos!" rapped Peter, "I be shootin' up N(bleep)s, I ain't got no education!"

Everybody in the crowd(who were all black, btw) just looked on in shock as what Peter had just said.

"What the hell?!" said one person in the audience, "He used a double negative!"

"And he's accusing us of being gang members by using racial slurs!" another said.

"BOOOOOOOO!!" the crowd booed as they threw soft drinks and chairs at Peter who ran off.

"So the stereotypes AREN'T true!" said Peter, "CURSE YOU 50 CENT, SNOOP DOGG, ICE T, JAY Z, DR DRE AND ALL OTHER GANGTA RAPPERS WHO PROMOTE A BAD STEREOTYPE TOWARDS HARD WORKING AFRICAN AMERICANS LIKE MY FRIEND CLEVELAND!!... Or maybe they booed at me 'cause I'm white."

**End Flashback**

"Peter, you can't just decide to be a rock star," said Zack, "You can't play the guitar without lessons! You can't even carry a tune in a bucket without turning it into a fart. Then it becomes funny. You should be a comic instead."

"Um, excuse me. Who's the one with the guitar?" asked Peter, "Who's the one who caught the guitar at The Rock Festival? Who has the guitar that once belonged to The Rolling Stones? Not you. I rest my case."

"You know what I do to your coffee every morning?" asked Zack, "I PUT ARTIFICIAL SWEETNER IN IT!!"

"You son of a bitch!" said Peter, "Wait, Sweet n Low or Splenda?"

"Splenda," said Zack.

"You son of a bitch!" said Peter.

"Peter, you can't take a guitar and suddenly say that you're a rock star," said Brian, "You need talent."

"Brian, you don't need talent to be successful in the music industry," said Peter.

"He's right, Brian," said Stewie.

"Stewie and I learned that the hard way," said Maddie.

**Flashback.**

At a music audition, Stewie and Maddie are singing _Ain't No Mountain High Enough_.

_Ain't no mountain high enough!_

_Ain't no valley low enough!_

_Ain't no river wide enough!_

"I believe I've heard enough," said the record producer.

"So what do you think?" asked Stewie.

"We've been practicing all month!" said Maddie.

"Meh, it was okay," said the producer, "You're just not what we're looking for."

"But... We were good," said Stewie, "We were both on key, and-"

"Yeah, don't call us, we'll call you," said the producer, "Next!"

As the kids leave, a blonde haired chick with a huge rack walks into the room.

"She's perfect!" said the producer, "You'll be the next big thing!"

"Oh thank you, Mr. Producing guy!" she said in a terrible voice.

"We'll just use lip synching!" said the producer, "Besides, guys will buy anything on the cover with a half naked chick on the cover wether she has talent or not."

**End Flashback**

"Anyway, the guys and I got ourselves a gig at the company picnic," said Peter.

"Dad, the company picnic is tomorrow," said Meg, "Do you even know how to play?"

"Did you even practice?" said Lois.

"I've been practicing all day!" said Peter, "I've practiced these really cool guitar stances and doing a really cool thing with my tongue."

Peter then gets into various stances and flaps his tongue around like Gene Simmons.

"That's some mighty fine tongue flapping," said Maddie.

"You're gonna embarrass yourself," said Zack, "You really need to practice, first."

"Zack's right," said Meg, "You should at least LEARN to play the guitar first."

"Nah, I'll just fake my way through it," said Peter, "Just like how I faked my way through the employee drug tests using Lois' urine."

**Flashback**

Back when Peter worked at the Happy Go Lucky Toy Company...

"Mr. Weed, I am very concerned about one of your employees," said a doctor.

"What is it?" asked Mr. Weed.

"According to this drug test Mr. Griffin is... pregnant?" asked the doctor.

Mr. Weed just looks on in shock.

**End Flashback**

The next day at the Pawtucket Brewery company picnic, Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are all getting ready for their big performance and they are all dressed like Kiss.

"Peter, I'm nervous," said Cleveland, "There are so many people out there."

"Yeah, Peter," said Joe, "I'm not too sure if we should be trying to do this again."

"C'mon you guys," said Peter, "You don't need to be nervous. Just imagine everybody in their underwear... No, Quagmire stop! I said _imagine_. I don't think that woman likes that."

"What? It helps me imagine better," said Quagmire as he was then slapped in the chin, "OW!"

Meanwhile, on the stage, Zack and Peter's supervisor, Angela is on the mike.

"Everybody, I have a few announcements to make," said Angela, "First of all, don't let your children eat the potato salad. That has beer in it. Don't let them eat the sandwiches. That has beer in it, too. Don't let them eat the watermelon. That has beer in it. Don't let them drink the root beer. Oh lord you won't believe how much beer's in it."

"Well what DOESN'T have beer in it?" asked an employee.

"The non alcoholic beer. You can give your kids that," said Angela, "Also, we have a band playing today featuring our very own Peter Griffin so I hope you all brought earplugs. Now give it up for... Fat Black Horny And Joe?!"

Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire then walk on stage while the audience applauded. Meanwhile in the audience...

"Remember that we're here to support your father, kids," said Lois.

"Go dad!" said Chris.

"50 bucks says he'll crash and burn," said Zack.

"My dad's won't crash and burn!" said Chris, "He's not flammable, jerk!"

Now back on stage, Peter and the guys are ready to play.

"Here's a little song I wrote. It's about my life," said Peter as he began to start playing a guitar riff. He was playing quite decently.

"Okay, not bad," said Zack, "So I was wrong."

_There was a hole in my heart a long time ago!_

_I made a big mistake and my girl and I split!_

_I had to work with my dad in a convenient store._

_I was about to end my life and call it quits._

"Wait... this sounds familiar..." said Zack.

_Then one day she showed up._

_She took my life and knocked it up a peg._

_She filled that hole in my heart._

_This is a song about a girl named Me- Lois!_

"Aw, how romantic," said Lois.

"THAT'S MY SONG!!" shouted Zack angrily, "HE STOLE MY SONG!!"

_Lois! Lalalalala Lois!_

The audience then cheered in an uproar.

"Wow... Give it up for Fat Black Horny and Joe!" said Angela.

As Peter and his gang took a bow, a man in a suit and sunglasses walked up to them.

"Wow, I have never seen a performance such as yours," he said, "I am a record producer and I want you and your band to sign a record deal."

"Oh my god! Sweet!" said Peter.

"...Zack, are you okay?" asked Meg as she noticed Zack was stiff.

"I think his brain exploded," said Chris.

"How can you tell?" asked Lois.

"His ears are bleeding," said Chris.

Weeks later at the Griffin home, everybody is having breakfast except Zack and Meg who were watching the news on the kitchen TV.

"Fat Black Horny and Joe are sweeping the nation with their hit song _Lois_," said Tom.

"That's right, Tom," said Diane, "In a matter of weeks, their song has become number one."

"Say, Diane," said Tom, "What do you think the chances are that somebody else wrote that song and that Fat Black Horny and Joe just changed the original name from, let's pretend it's Meg, to Lois."

"Well I'd say the original writer would be pissed," said Diane, "But what are the chances of that?"

"You're right, Diane," laughed Tom, "What a stupid thought!"

Zack then angrily punches a hole into the TV and cuts his hand. He didn't care that his hand was bleeding. He was just too pissed.

"THAT SON OF A BITCH!" shouted Zack, "THAT SHOULD BE _MY_ FAME, _MY_ FORTUNE, AND MOST OF ALL _MY_ GUITAR!!... AND HE MADE ME PUNCH _MY_ TV!!"

"I can't believe dad stole your song!" said Meg.

"I know!" said Zack, "He's like the Irate Gamer!"

"Because he's a plagiarist?" asked Lois.

"No Lois," said Zack, "Because the Irate Gamer is very original and doesn't copy any material from the Angry Video Game Nerd at all- OF COURSE HE'S A PLAGIARIST!! DON'T ASK ME STUPID QUESTIONS!!"

"Did you hear that, Chris Bores?" asked Stewie, "BURN!"

"This reminds me of how the Snorks ripped off from the Smurfs," said Chris, "When the Smurfs found out... Well, let's just say it didn't end well."

**Cutaway**

The Snorks are looking up and see a bunch of dead Smurfs floating above the water.

"Told you they couldn't get us," said one Snork.

**End Cutaway**

At that moment, Peter walks into the room still dressed up as Gene Simmons.

"Dad, how can you steal from Zack like that?" asked Meg.

"It's not stealing," said Peter, "It's not even the same song. His was about Meg. Mine was about Lois."

"All you did was change the names!" said Zack.

"You still don't have proof it's yours," said Peter.

"You never met mom in a convenient store!" said Meg.

"Yeah, you keep telling yourselves that," said Peter.

"Peter, do you do this to me or everybody?" asked Zack.

"Just you," said Peter as he then leaned to Zack to whisper the last words, _"Because you're special."_

"Well I think it's sweet that you plagiarized a song and named it after me," said Lois.

"Wait, what the hell is this?" asked Peter as he looked at his breakfast.

"That's breakfast," said Lois, "I give it to you every morning."

"I'm not eating your feces if that's what you want me to do," said Peter.

"Peter, what are you talking about?" asked Lois.

"Lois, I am a rock star, now. And as such I only eat Petey-O's," said Peter as he pulled out a box of cereal with his face on it, "And it has all the shapes of your favorite band members from Fat Black Horny and Joe. All part of a complete breakfast. It's Peterrific!"

"Peter, you're being mean," said Lois, "That song is about me, you know."

"Actually, no. It's Lois Lane, who by the way is much cooler than you," said Peter, "Alright, I'm done being with you peons. I have a car commercial to shoot."

Peter then leaves the house.

"The nerve of him!" said Lois.

"I know!" said Zack, "Those should be Zack-O's! They should be Zackalicious!"

"No, I mean Peter's letting the stardom go to his head," said Lois, "He's being a jerk!"

"I know!" said Chris, "This morning he said that now that he's another soulless bastard celebrity he could finally admit that my art is not a talent in any shape or form. I feel so discouraged."

"When I said I wanted to be just like him when I grow, he laughed at me for 5 minutes straight!" said Maddie, "Then he told me to stay in the kitchen!... But then again, he's always telling me that."

"I think it's time we took him down a notch!" said Brian, "I say we ruin his career!"

"Ruin his career, huh?" said Zack.

"But, isn't that a little harsh?" asked Lois.

"Lois, Peter needs some tough love right now," said Zack, "Besides, in a way, we're _saving_ Peter. He could end up taking the same path like Britney Spears."

"Oh god no!" said Lois, "You're right! He'll start doing drugs, need medical attention, or worse... end up on How I Met Your Mother!"

"Maybe if we could get him involved in a scandal," said Brian, "Something that will make people lose respect for him."

"I got it!" said Zack, "If we put one of you on TV and expose him as a bad parent, his career will fall faster than the ratings on the CW. And I know just the person to go on. Meg!"

Everybody in the room then looked at Meg.

"Me?" she asked, "But why me?"

"Is it because he hates Meg?" asked Lois.

"No Lois," said Zack, "It's because he loves and respects all his children equally- WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?"

Meanwhile at the channel 5 studio, Diane Simmons and Tom Tucker are starting the interview.

"Today on Quahog 5 action news we have an exclusive interview," said Tom.

"That's right, Tom," said Diane, "Today we will be interviewing Meg Griffin, daughter of Black Fat Horny and Joe lead singer and guitarist, Peter Griffin... Who is also married to Zack Murdock whom she doesn't deserve, by the way."

"I don't love you," said Zack, "Get over it."

"NEVER!" shouted Diane.

"Well, Meg, what is it like being the daughter of somebody totally famous?" asked Tom.

"It's terrible," said Meg.

"Really? Now how is it terrible?" asked Tom.

"First of all, he hates me!" said Meg, "He treats me like utter crap ALL THE TIME!"

"Exactly what has he done to you?" asked Diane.

"Well this is only a half hour show," said Zack, "We can't tell you everything, but try telling them a few things, Meg."

"Well, for starters, he thought I was a house cat when I was little," said Meg, "He threw me out of my own house just for trying to fit in, he constantly tells me to shut up, he ignores me when I need him most..."

Meanwhile at a recording studio, Peter and his band are about ready to play, until Cleveland notices something on TV.

"Peter, isn't that Meg on TV?" asked Cleveland.

"No, that's just Malcolm in the Middle," said Peter.

"No, Peter, that IS Meg," said Joe, "And she's saying bad things about you."

"Oh crap!" said Peter.

Now back at the studio...

"He lit my hat on fire!" said Meg as she was beginning to cry, "He even shot me once!"

"My god!" said Tom, "What a monster."

"I know," said Diane, "Just look at her arms."

"No, I mean Peter," said Tom, "And don't accuse her of YOUR insecurities. She's not the one who's always spending time with her brother, Richard, to lose wight."

"I'M NOT FAT!!" shouted Diane as she began to chomp down on a celery stick.

"Meg, your father sickens me," said Tom, "And to think he could've been my step son. Well I'm throwing away all my Fat Black Horny and Joe CDs."

"Don't you listen to a damn word she says!" said Peter as he burst into the studio.

"Dad?" asked Meg.

"She's lying!" said Peter, "I never treated her like that at all."

"Oh really?" asked Zack, "Tell her you love her."

"Hell no!" said Peter, "Meg sucks!"

"See?" said Meg, "He hates me! I'll bet he wouldn't treat me like crap if I was one of his precious SONS!"

"About dare you talk ill about your MALE brothers!" said Peter as he then removed his belt and began to chase Meg across the room.

"HEY! Keep away from her, jackass!" shouted Zack as he began to chase after them.

Meanwhile at the recording studio, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire just place their palms on their faces, Captain Picard style.

"R.I.P. Fat Black Horney and Joe," said Cleveland, "2008 to three weeks."

The next day, the family is sitting in the living room. Peter is finally dressed up normally.

"Well, my career is over," said Peter, "I guess I deserved it."

"No, Peter, _I'm_ sorry," said Zack, "I shouldn't have let the jealousy get to my head. I should've been happy that at least one of got to live the dream."

"Really?" asked Peter, "Even though I stole your song and got famous for something that I didn't even write?"

"Let's not reopen old wounds," said Zack.

"Sorry," said Peter, "I wish there was some way I could make this all up to you."

"I'm sure you can," said Zack, "With a certain guitar, or course."

"Yeah... about that..." said Peter, "I kinda pawned it. I got 40 for it."

"You... pawned it?" asked Zack, "You pawned Keith Richard's guitar for 40? An authentic Rolling Stones guitar... for 40?"

"You're not mad, are you?" asked Peter, "...Zack?"

"Is he okay?" asked Lois.

"I think he needs some gauze," said Meg, "Blood's leaking from his ears again."

**End Chapter.**


	15. Lois 20

**Chapter 15: Lois 2.0**

It was another saturday at the house. A boring one at that. At least a boring one to Madeline Murdock.

"Grandma, I am bored," said Maddie as she walked up to Lois.

"Well you can read a book," said Lois, "Or help me do chores."

"But I want to kill boredom, not BE killed by it," said Maddie.

"Well why don't you play with Stewie?" asked Lois.

"Oh no! I'm not going back up there," said Maddie.

**Flashback**

In the room, Stewie is wearing one of Maddie's dresses and a mop wig. He's holding a hairbrush like a microphone and is singing and dancing.

_"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty and witty and-"_

Suddenly, Maddie walks into the room in shock as there is suddenly the sound of a record scratching.

"Stewie?..." asked Maddie.

"Oh... um... hey Maddie," said Stewie as he was taken by surprise.

"Is... that my dress?" asked Maddie, "...And my makeup?"

"Um... yeah," said Stewie, "It's... um... it's fun to play make believe... Wanna play make believe with me?"

"...No..." said Maddie.

"Alrighty then," said Stewie.

"Riiiiiiight..." said Maddie as she then slowly backed away.

**End Flashback**

"You're bored, huh?" asked Peter, "Well Dr. Peter has the cure for that: prank calls!"

"Prank calls?" asked Maddie.

"Yeah! It's the greatest thing since sliced bread," said Peter.

"Why does everybody always use that idiom?" asked Maddie, "When somebody says that something is the greatest thing since sliced bread and then say that something else is the greatest thing since sliced bread, then that would mean that it's NOT the greatest thing since sliced bread and that it's actually the greatest thing since the thing that you said before that was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Do you get what I'm saying?"

"..." Peter pauses for a moment, "That's right, Maddie. We're gonna make prank phone calls with Granddaddy."

Later in the kitchen, Peter and Maddie are looking through a phonebook.

"Aha! Here's a sucker," said Peter as he then dialed the phone.

"So how does this work again?" asked Maddie.

"You basically dial some pathetic sap's number," said Peter, "He answers the phone, you make some dumb joke, and then you hang up. It's hilarious!"

"But isn't that kinda mean?" asked Maddie, "What if it's a poor lady who's waiting for a phone call from her son who's in Iraq."

"But what if her son's dead?" said Peter, "With this prank phone call, we might be bringing a little joy into her life after the death of a family. Can we deny her that joy?"

"I guess not," said Maddie.

"That's the spirit! Hang on I hear their phone ringing. Man this is gonna be freakin' sweet," said Peter as his cell phone then started ringing, "Hang on a sec. My cell phone's ringing. Hello? Um, yes is your refrigerator running?"

"Um, Grandpa?" asked Maddie, "I think you..."

"Not now Maddie. Grandpa's pranking somebody," said Peter, "Like I was asking, is your refrigerator running? Why yes it is. Well you better go catch it! HAHAHA! You damn punks! Always pranking people with your immature phone pranks! Why don't you get a job? Why don't YOU grow a sense of humor, you humorless idiot! That's it! When I find out who you are, I'm gonna kick your ass! Oh yeah? Well I'm Peter Griffin and I live next door to Quagmire and I DARE you to come here and kick my ass, because I'll kick yours first! Fine then, I will! Fine!" said Peter as he hung up the phone, "For the love of God, Maddie, you gotta help me! Somebody's gonna come over here and kick my ass!"

"I think I'll see what dad's doing," said Maddie as she left the room.

Maddie walks into the living room and sees her dad is watching TV.

"What are you watching?" asked Maddie.

"Cops," said Zack.

"Why?" asked Maddie.

"Let's just say an anonymous tipster told the police the whereabouts of a certain prostitute," said Zack.

**Cutaway to TV**

The cops and a camera crew then bust into a house. Connie D'amico walks into the room.

"What the hell are you doing in my house?" she asked.

"Connie D'amico, you are under arrest for illegal prostitution" said one cop.

"That's crazy!" said Connie, "I'm not a whore!"

"Then how do you explain all these abortion receipts?" asked the cop.

Connie then makes a break for it. She then tries to climb over a fence wall, but is grabbed by a huge number of policemen.

**End Cutaway**

"Meg, you gotta see this!" said Zack.

"Oh my god!" said Meg as she entered the room, "The camera DOES add 10 pounds."

"Yeah, Connie almost looks attractive, now," said Zack, "...Almost..."

"She's fighting back! Quick! Pull out your nightsticks, men!" said one of the cops on TV as there was then the sounds of multiple beatings with nightsticks.

"Uh, Never mind," said Zack.

"Mom, Dad, I'm bored," said Maddie, "Can't we go see a movie or something?"

"Maddie, you know we're not allowed to go back to that theater anymore" said Meg.

"Not after what your little smart ass pulled," said Zack.

**Flashback**

Maddie, Meg, and Zack are in a movie theater watching _Iron Man_.

"Wait, I read the ending to this movie on the internet!" said Maddie, "In the ending, Iron Man meets-"

The family is then chased out of the theater by a mob of angry movie goers, comic book nerds, and a bunch of villagers with torches. This is mandatory for mob chase scenes.

**End Flashback**

A little later in the kitchen, Maddie is on the phone speaking with Tilly.

"So I was wondering if you guys wanted to come over and play," said Maddie.

"Sorry, Maddie," said Tilly, "Can't come over. My mom just bought me a chemistry set."

"What about CJ?" asked Maddie.

"He's with dad," said Tilly, "They went to the woods with Carl camping."

Meanwhile in the woods, Carl is telling Chris and CJ a ghost story.

"And then, when Jeff turned on the TV, he saw the most horrible thing known to man," said Carl.

"What was it? WHAT WAS IT?" asked CJ.

"He saw that they canceled Futurama for... ANOTHER CELEBRITY REALITY SHOW!" said Carl.

"AAAAAAAAAAGH!!" screamed CJ and Chris.

"Pretty scary, huh?" asked Carl.

"That was awesome, Mr. Carl!" said CJ.

"Hey, is he like your little bro or something?" asked Carl, "He looks just like you."

"My mom's name is Jillian!" said CJ.

"Jillian? Isn't she that hot shemale with the kids?" asked Carl, "I still wanna do her, you know. Do her hard, too."

"Could people hear you scream if I killed you right now?" asked Chris.

"What?" asked Carl.

"Nothing," said Chris quickly.

Back at Jillian's apartment where Tilly is still on the phone with Maddie.

"Anyway, I gotta go," said Tilly

"Well, bye," said Maddie as she hung up the phone.

"There you go, Tilly," said Jillian, "Your toy's all set up."

"Mom, this isn't merely a toy," said Tilly, "This is a state of the art, advanced kid's chemistry set that will allow me to test acidic properties of certain liquids."

"Look, Tilly!" said Jillian, "You can make water blue! Blue rhymes with purple!"

"...Yes, mom," sighed Tilly, "Blue rhymes with purple..."

Back at the Griffin house, Maddie walks back into the living room where everybody is watching TV. She then walks in front of the TV and faces the family.

"There's nobody to play with!" complained Maddie, "I'm officially bored!"

"And you're officially boring US!" said Peter, "You're blocking the TV!"

"Nobody wants to play with me!" said Maddie.

"What about your friends Olvia and Janet?" asked Meg.

"Olivia is out of town," said Maddie, "And I haven't been able to understand a single word Janet says ever since she made the switch to Pop Tarts."

"How about _I_ play with you?" asked Lois.

"Really?" asked Maddie.

"Of course," said Lois, "You go fire up the Nintendo Playstation and we can play a game of Super Mario Bandicoot. Then we can try to defeat the evil Dr. Robotman and rescue the princess of the Green Hill Kingdom. What do you say?"

"..." Maddie tries to speak but then closes her mouth. She then tries again, but closes her mouth. She then just shakes her head in disgust.

"Was it something I said?" asked Lois, "Don't you like Super Mario Bandicoot? Maybe we can play Sonic Bros instead."

"Lois, just stop," said Peter. "I don't even know you right now."

"Okay, then, no video games," said Lois, "But how about I take you, Stewie, and Brian to the park?"

"Sure, why not?" shrugged Maddie as she, Stewie, Brian, and Lois were leaving the house, "Might as well be bored somewhere else. Nothing and I mean NOTHING interesting's gonna happen here."

"Since the kids are gone, hope you guys don't mind if I smoke indoors," said Zack as he took out a cigarette.

"Zack, those cigarettes are gonna kill you sooner or later," said Meg.

"Hang on a sec," said Peter as he got up to take a fart. Now keep in mind that Peter's ass is faced directly at Zack. Now Zack just so happened to have lit the lighter just as Peter farts and the lighter was only a few inches away from his cigarette and the cigarette was in his mouth. You get that? Good, now guess what happens next?

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGHHHH!! I'M ON FIRE!!" screamed Zack as he burst into flames and began running around the room.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Meg.

"I know!" said Peter, "LOST is on."

"Alright! LOST!" said Zack as all three of them sat back on the couch.

"Hey, LOST is on?" asked Bigfoot as he sat on the couch.

"I love LOST," said Superman as he sat on the couch.

"Hey, I found a treasure map under the couch!" said Peter. Yup... nothing interesting here.

Meanwhile at the park, Maddie and Stewie have Brian on a leash tied to the merry go round.

"And now, we go for the ultimate joyride!" said Maddie.

"I'm not doing it," said Brian.

"Oh yes you will!" said Stewie, "Besides, you owe us big time for that prank you pulled on me when I was on that sugar diet."

**Flashback**

Maddie was in her room playing with her dolls when Stewie suddenly bursts into the room

"GIVE IT TO ME!" he shouts.

"What?" asked Maddie.

"Brian says you're eating a jawbreaker!" said Stewie, "Now hand it over!"

"I don't have it!" said Maddie, "And even if I did, I wouldn't give it to you! That's gross!"

"You're lying! Give it to me!" shouted Stewie.

"I don't have it!"

"Then I'll take it by force!" said Stewie as he pinned Maddie to the ground.

"Stewie, what the hell are you do- MMMMPH!!" she shouts as Stewie presses his mouth against hers and attempts to suck the nonexistent jawbreaker out.

"Stewie," said Lois as she and Peter enter the room, "I'm letting you off of your sugar di- OH MY GOD! WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?"

In Lois and Peter's view, it looked like Stewie was mounted on top of Maddie and kissing her.

"Oh, c'mon Lois!" said Peter, "You were saying he doesn't spend enough time with her anymore and now you're opposed? Make up your mind, already!"

**End Flashback**

"I won't do it," said Brian.

"Fine then, I guess we'll have to just find another way for you to repay us," said Stewie.

"How about a visit from Mr. Hoover when we get home?" asked Maddie, "Maybe even from Mr. Gibson, Mr. Bissil, Mr. Dirt Devil, Mr. Dyson, Ms. Eureeka, Mr. Kirby, but not Mr. Riccar, Mr. Fantom, or Mr. Simplicity since they're very unreliable and didn't make enough money to fly over. Maybe they'll all have a party tonight."

"RUFFRUFFRUFFRUFFRUFFRUFF!!" barked Brian as he kept running around the merry go round faster and faster and faster.

"Okay, kids," said Lois, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll be a minute."

"TAAAAAAAAKE YOOOOOOOUR TIIIIIIIIIME!" shouted Maddie as she and Stewie kept spinning.

The two had just kept on spinning on the merry go round... for 2 hours to be precise. It finally slows down, and the two infants stumble off it. They both fall to the ground and throw up.

"My god," strained Stewie, "That... was... AWESOME!! Let's do it again!!"

"Guys, Lois has been in the bathroom for two hours," said Brian, "I think something's wrong."

"I probably should go get her," said Maddie, "But I'm too dizzy."

"I'm dizzy, too," said Stewie, "Why don't you get her?"

"Me?" asked Brian, "Go into the bathroom and possibly walk into her with her pants down? I dunno..."

"I'm back," said Lois.

_"Darn,"_ thought Bran, _"And I had my hopes up, too."_

"What took you so long, grandma?" asked Maddie.

"I... needed to pleasure myself for a while," said Lois, "That was what I was doing."

"_DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!_" thought Brian.

"Let us go home, now," said Lois.

"Go? Now?" asked Stewie, "But I haven't even gotten to enslave the toddlers in the playground."

"I SAID let us go home," said Lois, "You can play with the underdeveloped young ones later."

"You're the boss," said Maddie as she and the others got into the car.

"Take us to the Griffin residence," said Lois into the car radio.

"Grandma, that's the radio," said Maddie.

"Oh, how silly of me," said Lois, "This is a primitive manually operated model. I must engage the ignition first."

Lois starts up the car and rear ends a parked car. She then speeds off, almost hitting a pedestrian and not stopping for a car.

"Well at least she finally drives like a woman, now," said Stewie.

Later that night at home, everybody is having dinner except Lois.

"Mom, aren't you gonna eat?" asked Chris.

"I'm... not hungry," said Lois.

"Lois, you should eat something," said Zack.

"I do not feel like eating," said Lois, "I need to keep my figure."

"She's acting strange..." said Brian.

"Well I think it's great that she's not eating," said Peter. "That way, she can't get fat... unlike somebody else in this room."

"Dad! Quit calling me fat!" said Meg.

"What? No, I meant Chris," said Peter, "I mean, he's been eating alot lately and have you seen his rolls? Look Meg, I may be dumb but I'm not gonna take every cheap shot I can get on you."

"Peter, I was thinking," said Lois "Maybe tonight we can play, by which I mean with your reproductive organs."

"Sorry, Lois," said Peter, "But we gotta pack tonight."

"For what?" asked Lois.

"We're going to your parents' place tomorrow," said Peter, "You've been looking forward to it all week. I haven't."

"Excuse me for a second," said Lois as she walked out the door.

The family continue eating dinner for a few more moments, when there is suddenly a huge explosion outside which everybody seemingly ignored. Lois' father is then seen outside through the window on fire, running down the street.

"HELP ME JESUS!" shouted Carter, "HELP ME JESSICA ALBA!! PUT MY FLAMES OUT WITH YOUR BODY!"

Lois then walks back into the house.

"I've got bad news," said Lois, "The visit is canceled. My parents... moved."

"Freakin' sweet!" said Peter as he carried Lois upstairs.

The next morning, Stewie's alarm clock goes off and he get up from out of his bed.

"Oh my gosh!" said Stewie with excitement, "Today's the big day!"

Stewie then rushes to his calendar with Rupert.

"What day is it you ask Rupert?" asked Stewie, "Why today is 'Kill Lois Day"!"

On Stewie's calendar, EVERYDAY is marked "Kill Lois Day"... except Saturday the 21st. That's "Roller Disco With Maddie Night".

"Oh what to use on this glorious day?" asked Stewie as he went through his toybox, "Raygun? Too cliche. Axe? Too messy. Burning Acid Salsa? Too fiesta. Bad acting? Too Ben Affleck. Aha! The crossbow to the heart should do it."

Meanwhile downstairs, Peter comes into the kitchen and hugs Lois.

"Morning, honey," said Peter.

"Good Morning, Peter, you wonderful hubby of mine," said Lois as they kissed.

Peter then tries to grab one of Lois' boobs, but notices something a little off.

"Geez, Lois, they're kinda hard," said Peter, "What gives?"

"Oh, um, I had implants," said Lois.

"But these feel hard as rocks," said Peter.

"Titanium, actually," said Lois, "Er, I mean silicone. They're silicone implants."

"Mom, I thought you disapproved of implants," said Meg.

"I just felt the need to... upgrade a bit," said Lois.

"You know silicone implants aren't very healthy for you," said Brian.

"Well if you're human, of course," said Lois, "Uh, which I am! A human of flesh and bone."

At that moment, Jillian walks into the house while holding CJ and Tilly.

"Hi everybody," said Jillian.

"What's up, sis?" asked Zack.

"I need a favor from you guys," said Jillian, "Chris and I are going to jury duty and that is not a cover up so that a 14 year old and a grown woman can keep being secret lovers."

"Okay, I'll buy that," said Peter, "So what do you want?"

"I was wondering if you'll watch CJ and Tilly for me," said Jillian.

"Yeah, we'll watch your kids," said Peter.

"Thanks, you're the best!" said Jillian as she hugged Peter.

At that moment, Lois tackles Jillian and begins to strangle her.

"YOU GET OFF MY HUSBAND, YOU ORGANIC WHORE!!" shouted Lois, "HE'S MINE AND MINE ALONE!"

"My lungs aren't working?" strained Jillian.

"Well alright!" said Herbert from the front window.

"Mom, no!" said Chris as everybody was separating them, "She was just thanking him!"

"Oh... I apologize, Jillian," said Lois as she released Jillian's neck.

"Lois, what's gotten into you?" asked Peter, "You've been acting strange lately. And not strange as in small strange. I mean strange as in Steve from Blue's Clues in a porno strange."

**Cutaway**

At some random house, Steve knocks on the door and some hot busty babe answers it while wearing a robe.

"Excuse me," said Steve, "We're playing Blue's Clues and I was wondering if you knew where a clue was."

"Sorry, I have no clues," said the woman, "But I can help you find... something else."

The typical funky guitar porno music began playing as she began to undress herself.

"Is there a pawprint on your breasts?" asked Steve.

"No, but you can put YOUR pawprints on them?" she said seductively.

"Sorry, but we gotta go. Blue skadoo, we can too!" sang Steve as he magically spun away from the porno mag.

"Get back here and have sex with me, you striped shirt wearing buffoon!" shouted the woman.

**End Cutaway**

"Peter, there is nothing strange about me at-" said Lois before she was downed by an arrow to the heart.

"Oh my god! Mom!" shouted Meg.

"Victory is mine!" said Stewie from the stairway, before Lois got back up, "What the deuce?"

Lois then pulls out the arrow from her chest and sets it down.

"Sorry about that," said Lois.

"Lois... are you okay?" asked Peter.

"It's just a flesh wound," said Lois, "I gotta go."

Lois then leaves the room.

"Okay, this is getting too weird," said Zack.

"Let me see that..." said Tilly as she was looking at the arrow, "Her blood... it's black?"

"Black, just like my poo when I'm sick!" laughed Chris.

"Is that all you ever do?" asked Zack, "Make poo jokes?"

"No," said Chris, "I also do masturbating jokes and make intelligent insights at random times."

"I'll be right back," said Tilly, "I'm going to analyze this blood."

"Can she do that?" asked Peter, "She's not even a year old."

"Of course. Tilly is so smart," said Jillian.

"Except when it comes to being social," said CJ, "At that point, she's dumb as a board."

**Flashback**

CJ and Tilly are at Maddie's first birthday party. A little black girl then walks up to them.

"Hi there," she asked, "Do you like rap music?"

"Well, we-" said CJ.

"Let me handle this," said Tilly, "We sure do."

"So what rapper do you like?" she asked.

"Well, you know," said Tilly, "I like the black one... the one who wears those gangster clothes. That black guy... What's his name again? Oh yeah, it was Eminem. Yup, I like Eminem. Yup, that Enimen is one black rapper. The blackest I've ever seen. You won't find one blacker than him. That Eminem... so black."

"..." The girl just stares at Tilly.

"I don't know that girl," said CJ to the girl, "Never did."

**End Flashback**

Tilly then walks back into the room.

"This is motor oil," said Tilly.

"Motor oil?" asked Zack.

"This so called blood is motor oil," said Tilly, "You guys are right. Something is wrong."

"Maddie, wasn't Lois acting strange when we left the park yesterday?" asked Brian.

"Come to think of it, you're right," said Maddie, "She left to the bathroom for two hours and came back like this."

"I guess something happened to her at the park," said Meg.

"Well then that's where we go," said Peter, "Looks like we have a mystery on our hands."

"Peter, you can't solve a mystery," said Zack.

"Are you implying that I am an idiot?" asked Peter, "I'll have you know that I have never done anything stupid in my life... except for when I had that job at the 99 cent store."

**Flashback**

Peter is at the check stand at the 99 cent store scanning items when something doesn't scan right.

"Dammit," said Peter as he then spoke into the mike, "Price check on a can of beans!"

**End Flashback**

Later that night at the park, Peter, Chris, Brian, Maddie, Stewie, Zack, and Meg were looking around the ladies' room at the park.

"Nothing suspicious here," said Brian.

"This is getting us nowhere," said Meg, "If only we had a clue."

"Maybe we should look in that conveniently placed abandoned Robot Factory behind the women's bathroom," said Chris.

"Wait, why is there an abandoned robot factory behind the women's bathroom?" asked Meg.

"Don't you know? Robots are pervs," said Peter, "Just watch Terminator. Contrary to popular belief, the Terminator didn't want to kill Sarah Conner. He wanted something else... and he succeeded."

"So you're telling me that the Terminator, a robot, impregnated her?" asked Zack, "And not that guy from the future."

"Of course," said Peter, "I mean, why else has John Conner always failed at destroying Skynet?"

"...That's actually a valid point," said Zack.

Later inside the robot factory...

"God, this place is HUGE," said Meg.

"Looks like we'll have to split up," said Zack, "It could take us a long time, maybe even hours to find-"

"Found it," said Peter as he was pointing to a cryogenic tube with the real Lois frozen inside.

"Oh, never mind then," said Zack.

A little later after thawing Lois off, the family tries to get some answers.

"So what happened?" asked Brian, "How did you end up here?"

"I was leaving the bathroom when I was attacked... by myself," said Lois, "She kidnapped me and took me here. She was saying how I didn't deserve Peter and that she would replace me."

"I'm guessing from the motor oil that the other Lois is a robot," said Zack.

"But why would she want to replace you?" asked Meg, "And why would she want dad?"

"Because I love him," said the robot Lois as she entered the room, but spoke in a different voice, "Don't you remember me, Peter?"

"C-Corvette?" asked Peter in fear, "But you were-"

"Destroyed?" she asked, "Almost. My data ended up being scattered along the airwaves. I then took control of this abandoned robot factory to build my new body. I just wanted us to be together, Peter. We were made for each other."

"Never!" said Peter, "Even though you were even better than Lois in bed last night, I'll never love you! Especially when you were doing that thing with your mouth. You need to teach Lois that."

"Then in that case, I guess I'll just have to reprogram you," said Corvette as she was about to grab Peter.

"Gotcha!" said Zack as he grabs Corvette from behind.

She then fully turns her head behind her and shoots her laser eyes at Zack which sends him flying into a wall. Lois then tackles Corvette and they get into a catfight. She rips off a part of Corvette's face which reveals some of her metal endoskeleton. They both get into a fighting stance and Lois begins trying to fight Corvette with her martial arts. Corvette, however, blocks all of her attacks with ease.

"Karate? Oh please," said Corvette as grabs Lois' leg and throws her against a wall. She then grabs her by the throat in a tightening grip.

"It's Tai Jitsu!" said Lois.

"No one cares," said Corvette, "It's all Chinese karate crap to me."

"Tai Jitsu is actually a Japanese martial arts," said Lois.

"Chinese, Japanese, they're the freakin same!" said Corvette.

"No they're NOT!" said Lois.

"Just shut up and let me do my dialogue!" said Corvette, "As you can see, I have all of your memories, your thoughts, and your mannerisms programmed into me. I can predict your every move before you can even make it. I'm faster... stronger... and better. THAT is why I deserve Peter."

"Die, you wench!" shouted Stewie as he pointed his raygun.

"Stewie, no!" said Corvette in Lois' voice, "It's me, mommy!"

Stewie then quickly fired his gun into Corvette who began to scream in agony. I don't know why she's doing that. I mean, she's a robot and robots shouldn't feel pain. Anyway, she then falls to the ground motionless.

"Good job, Stewie!" said Lois, "Thank you for saving mommy!"

"Wait... I shot the ROBOT?" asked Stewie, "DAMN!"

The very next day at the Griffin home, everybody is sitting on the couch relieved that everything's back to the way they were.

"It's great to have you back, mom," said Meg.

"It's good to be back," said Lois, "I just couldn't bear to think that the robot could replace me and take my family away."

"Speaking of which," said Zack, "What did you do with Corvette, Peter?"

"We shouldn't worry about her, anymore," said Peter, "She's being handled by top men."

"Pardon me?" asked Zack.

"Top... men," said Peter.

Meanwhile two men are wheeling down a crate in a warehouse full of crates.

"Looks like another crate from Quahog came in," said one worker.

"You think it's James Woods again?" joked the other.

"No way," said the worker, "We just got him an hour ago. Now help me put this thing up."

At that moment as they were about to lift the crate, Corvette's arms break from out of the crate, strangles the workers, and proceeds to kill them. Just as she is about to leave the warehouse...

"Um, you think you can give me a hand?" asked James Woods from within his crate, "I want to help you get revenge against Peter, too."

"Oh please," said Corvette as she left, "Like I wanna be seen with YOU."

"Wait come back..." said Woods, "I'm so lonely in here..."

**End Chapter**


	16. There Will be Blood From Connie

**Chapter 16: There Will be Blood... From Connie**

**A/N: Don't forget to check out Diablo666's story "High School Confidential" which features my characters. Also, thanks goes to Ander Arias for letting me use a cutaway idea. Enjoy.**

One rainy Saturday afternoon, Zack and Peter were watching TV in the living room. Lois then walks into the room.

"Zack, have you seen Stewie and Maddie?" asked Lois.

"Shh, be quiet," said Zack.

"Yeah, we're watching wrestling," said Peter, "The shows are starting to blend together again and we're getting interesting results."

**Cutaway to TV**

"Oh by gawd, King!" said JR, "John Cena is caught in an ankle lock by... The Cookie Monster?!"

"Argh! Almost there... Noooo!" shouted Cena as he was pulled away from the ropes.

"NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM!" shouted Cookie Monster.

"There's two things Cookie Monster loves," said King, "Eating cookies and kicking ass. And I don't see any cookies around."

"Wait what the-" shouted JR, "OH BY GAWD! Hulk Hogan has interrupted the match!"

The Hulkster big boots Cookie Monster off of Cena and then gives Cena the leg drop of doom. He then goes for the pin and wins.

"Hulk Hogan has won a match that he wasn't even participating in!" shouted King.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is proof!" said JR, "ANYTHING can happen in the World Wrestling Federation!"

"It's WWE now. Not WWF," said King, "Remember?"

"Oh, f(bleep)k those panda loving hippies!" shouted JR.

**End Cutaway**

Meg and Brian then walk into the room.

"Wow, so it's true," said Brian, "Hulk Hogan jobs to nobody. Not even retirement."

"Now that looks like an Absurd Fight if I ever saw one," said Meg, "Anyway, Zack, have you seen Maddie?"

"She's outside playing with Stewie," said Zack.

"What?! You're LETTING her play in the rain?" said Meg, "It's pouring out there! She'll catch pneumonia!"

"Meg, a little water's not going to hurt the kid," said Peter.

Meanwhile outside, Stewie and Maddie were in raincoats looking for toads.

"Why are we looking for toads again?" asked Maddie.

"So that I can evolve them and make them into super soldiers," said Stewie, "Then we can use them to rule the world!"

"But why toads?" asked Maddie.

"I got the idea from a video game," said Stewie, "It had these strong battling toads and it was hard as hell. Now what were they called again? Oh that's right... The Teenage Mutant Ninja Toads!"

Maddie then began to cough.

"Are you alright?" asked Stewie.

"I'll be fine!" sniffled Maddie, "It's just... -hack- -cough- -wheeze-"

"My god, you don't look so good," said Stewie, "You look worse than Meg did when she had to wear braces."

**Flashback**

"God, this is so humiliating!" complained Meg as she was wearing a huge metal retainer.

"No it's not, pumpkin. Now hold still," said Peter as he was adjusting Meg's head like a TV antennae, "Damn! I still can't get Fox to come in clear enough."

**End Flashback**

At that moment, Stewie and Maddie come back into the house.

"Mommy..." moaned Maddie as she begins to make a hacking cough again. Meg then puts her hand on her daughter's forehead.

"You have a fever," said Meg, "You're burning up."

"I don't... feel so good..." she groaned as she limply fell to the floor.

"Maddie?" Meg asked as she held her up, "Maddie?"

"I know," said Stewie, "She kept falling down to take a nap ALL DAY while we were outside. She's such a weakling."

"My baby!" panicked Meg, "Zack, we have to get her to the hospital, now!"

"God, she looks terrible!" said Zack.

"I know," said Peter, "She looks like she had to sit through a Michael Jackson music video parody done by Doug."

**Cutaway**

Doug and his friend Skeeter are dancing like Michael Jackson.

"It doesn't matter if you're black or white or green or blue or orange or red or yellow or pink or purple or teal or magenta or beige or aquamarine or gray or lavender or gold or..."

Seriously though. I love Doug and diversity and all, but what the hell was up with all those skin colors? Were the creators of that show high or something when they made it?

**End Cutaway**

Later at the hospital, the family is waiting for Dr. Hartman to give them Maddie's test results.

"Give it to us straight, doc," said Zack.

"About what?" asked Dr. Hartman.

"About our daughter!" said Meg, "Tell us about her!"

"Oh, right," said Hartman, "Well, her name is Maddie. Her birthday is December 16th and she just turned one. Her favorite color is-"

"No, tell us how she's doing!" said Meg.

"Oh, well she's on a hospital bed," said Hartman, "She's not feeling very good because she's sick."

"We know that!" said Zack, "What does she have?"

"She has blonde hair and a teddy bear that a nurse gave her," said Hartman, "She's having some Jello..."

"Will you knock it off?" said Zack, "Do you do this to all of your patients?"

"Of course not," said Hartman, "Just the losers who are on Medicare."

"Maybe I should explain," said Michael as he entered the room, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that she doesn't have pneumonia."

"Yes! She's gonna be alright!" said Meg.

"No she won't and that's the bad news," said Michael, "Your daughter tested positive for a rare type of blood poisoning that destroys white blood cells and weakens the immune system."

"So she's got AIDs?" asked Peter.

"No," said Michael, "There's actually a cure and you can't get this from gay sex."

"Just how bad is her blood poisoning?" asked Lois.

"Very," said Michael, "If she isn't treated soon, she could die."

"Why aren't you doing something to save her?" asked Meg.

"It's because we need to give her healthier blood from a blood transfusion," said Michael, "Unfortunately, Maddie's blood type is AB negative which is extremely rare and no blood banks in town have it."

"But none of us are AB negative," said Lois, "Can't she receive a different type?"

"It HAS to be AB negative or it won't fight the infection," said Michael.

"So my daughter's just going to die?!" asked Meg fearfully.

"Well there is another way," said Hartman, "The hospital is working on a project to clone blood cells. If we could get 500,000 dollars to fund it, it could help save her life."

"Where are going to get that kind of money?" asked Lois.

"Don't you worry about a thing, Lois," said Peter, "Zack and I will try to get that money... And besides, Meg, even if we fail, think of it this way: You guys can get a brand NEW daughter. One that can never get sick."

Meg then begins to sob loudly and Zack shoot Peter an angry look.

"What?" asked Peter, "What did I say?"

Much later at Pewterschmidt manor, Zack and Peter knock on Carter's front door.

"Well if it isn't Laurel and Hardy but only stupider," said Carter, "What the hell do you two want."

"We need 500,000 dollars," said Peter.

"It's my daughter!" said Zack, "She-"

"Save it! I don't want to hear your made up trash," said Carter, "Tell you what, Zack. I'll give you the money if you shoot Peter in the face."

"You can't possible expect him to do this!" said Peter.

"Deal," said Zack, "Hand me the gun."

"WHAT?" asked Peter.

"Remember, this is for Maddie. Now hold still," said Zack as he took the gun... and smacked Carter upside the head with it, "He's down! Take his wallet! GO GO GO GO GO GO!"

Peter takes Carter's wallet and they drive off. Zack then drives his car back and takes a bag of pot from Carter's robe pocket.

"Yoink!" said Zack as he ran back to the car and drove off.

Much later at the house...

"Well, he only had 500 bucks in his wallet," said Peter, "Maybe if we sell the pot..."

"Hey man, you ever wonder why they're called sitcoms?" asked Zack as he was high, "I mean, they're not always sitting. They should, like, be called sitting sometimes, but mostly walking and standing around while talking and even sometimes driving coms instead, know what I mean?"

"Aw, dammit Zack!" said Peter, "You didn't save me ANY!"

Now later at the hospital, Lois, Brian, Chris, Jillian, Tilly, CJ, and Stewie were watching over Maddie in her hospital room.

"Poor Maddie," said Tilly, "I wish we could do something to help her."

Zack and Peter then walk into the room.

"Any luck?" asked Lois.

"None," said Peter, "We didn't get enough money."

"However we DID learn a valuable lesson in male prostitution," said Zack, "And that's to avoid cops."

**Flashback**

One night in a dark alley, Zack and Peter are dressed up as Chippendale dancers among a bunch of prostitutes. Suddenly a cop car shows up.

"Get in the car," said the cop.

"Great. Now we're going to jail," said Peter.

"Who said I was taking you in?" winked the cop.

"...Aw, crap," said Zack.

**End Flashback**

"Anyway, where's Meg?" asked Zack.

"She's out looking for an AB negative blood donor," said Lois.

"Okay... Now explain why HE'S here," said Zack pointing to death who is sitting on a chair near Maddie's bed.

"Oh don't mind me," said Death, "I'm just waiting for her to 'leave' the hospital if you catch my drift."

"Wow, that's nice of you," said Jillian, "You want Maddie to get better too."

"Yeah... get better," lied Death.

"Dying bites," said Maddie weakly, "In fact, death sucks."

"WHOA! Let's not say things we can't take back," said Death.

"No matter how true," said Brian.

"Okay, you keep that up and your appointment with a Buick comes early," said Death.

"Shutting up," said Brian.

"Where's mom?" asked Maddie, "I want to at least see her before I die."

"Maddie, you are NOT going to die," said Lois.

"Really? But Dr. Hartman said-" said Chris before he was elbowed by Jillian hard, "I mean, yes, you're not going to die. And that is not some empty promise that will never be fulfilled."

"...So does this mean I'm NOT getting any of her toys like you promised?" asked CJ.

"Those toys are as good as yours, son," whispered Chris to CJ.

Meg then walks into the room.

"I have good news!" said Meg in a disappointed manner, "I found an AB negative blood donor."

"I thought you said it was _good_ news," said Zack, "Why do you sound disappointed?"

"Because of who the blood donor is," said Meg as Connie walks into the room.

"Okay, let's give that brat some blood already," said Connie.

"What?!" asked Zack, "No way! I'm not letting you give my daughter blood you slutty, skanky, whorish, hoe type... person!"

"I don't think Connie is doing this out of the bottom of her heart," said Brian, "She doesn't have one."

"Yeah, what's in it for her?" asked Peter.

"Meg gets to be my personal servant for a whole year," said Connie.

"What? That's asinine!" said Zack.

"I'd rather die!" said Maddie as she started coughing again.

"That's the spirit!" said Death.

"You shut up!" said Zack, "We're not doing this."

"We don't have much of a choice," said Meg, "Maddie will die if we don't! We have to do _something_!"

"I don't want you to be her slave!" said Maddie as she started to cough harder than ever.

"And I don't want _you_ to die," said Meg, "If I lose you, I will _never_ be happy again. Do you really want that?"

"...Get Dr. Hartman," said Maddie reluctantly.

"Aw crap," said Death, "Oh well... Better find something else to get."

"Hey, why don't you get the Sonic franchise?" asked Peter.

"SHUT UP!" shouted Death as he covered his ears, "THE SONIC FRANCHISE IS _NOT_ DEAD!"

"But Sonic 06 was pretty-" said Peter.

"LALALALALA LOUD NOISES!! I CAN NOT HEAR YOU!! LALALALALA! DREAMCAST RULES!" shouted Death as he ran away, "AND THAT'S NOT DEAD EITHER!"

(A/N: I mean no offense to Sonic fans. In fact, I'm one and I'm actually doing what Death did.)

A few days later at the house, Maddie was lying on the living room couch under the covers watching TV. She was still recovering from her illness Lois then comes in to give her some soup.

"Are you feeling better, Maddie?" asked Lois.

"A little," said Maddie, "Actually I feel kinda worse."

"Worse? How?" asked Lois.

"Well, I now have some of Connie's blood running through my veins," said Maddie, "It's like we're technically related now."

"Don't say that," said Lois, "Meg is still your mother no matter what."

Meg then walks into the room to get her backpack.

"Mom, will you read this story to me?" asked Maddie as she handed Meg a book.

"What's this?" asked Meg as she looked at the cover, "_The Little Engine That Could But Didn't Because He Had An Inferiority Complex._"

"Will you read it to me?" asked Maddie.

"I can't," said Meg, "I have to go paintballing with Connie and her friends. It's going to be red team versus blue."

"But Meg," said Zack as he was looking outside, "Connie and her friends are ALL wearing red."

"I know... Well I love you," said Meg as she was about to kiss Maddie.

"MEG, HURRY YOUR FAT ASS OUT HERE!" shouted Connie as she blew her horn, "THAT BRAT HAS _MY_ BLOOD!"

"I'm coming..." muttered Meg as she went outside. She then let out a brief scream as she was hit by a paintball.

The next day, Maddie is looking out the window waiting for Meg to come home. School had been out for an hour and she was worried.

"Grandpa, where's mom?" asked Maddie.

"Why the hell are you asking me?" asked Peter, "Who do you think she is? My daughter?"

"Wait! I see her in the driveway!" said Maddie as she ran to the door with her arms open, "Mommy!"

Meg ignores Maddie and runs past her crying while covered in meat.

"Why is she crying?" asked Maddie.

"It's probably because she looked at herself in the mirror in her underwear again," said Stewie, "It's like seeing two pieces of cloth wrapped tightly on a piece of meat and the meat kinda bulges out. It's soooo nasty."

"Urge to kill uncle... RISING!" growled Maddie.

And it went like this for the next month. Every time Maddie wanted to be with Meg, she'd always come home embarrassed and crying. And even when she was home, Connie always called on Meg to torture her in embarrassing ways: making her kiss pigs or other farm animals, throwing food at her for fun, and make her do daring stunts like going topless at the football game. There was a lot of vomiting that day. A typical day for Maddie now would go something like this:

"Mom, will you play with me?" asked Maddie.

"I'll play with you tomorrow," said Meg exhausted as she was covered in slime.

_**Tomorrow...**_

"Now will you play with me?" asked Maddie.

"I'll play with you some other time," said Meg exhausted as she was covered in egg.

_**Some other time...**_

"How about now?" asked Maddie.

"I'll play with you soon," said Meg exhausted as she was covered in monkey poo.

_**Soon...**_

"Now?" asked Maddie.

"I'll play with you next time," said Meg exhausted as she was covered in honey with bees and ants.

_**Next time...**_

"Pleeeeeeease?" pleaded Maddie.

"Uhhhhhhh..." said Meg exhausted as she was covered in honey... with a bear attached to her leg.

_**Uhhhhhh...**_

"This sucks!" said Maddie in frustration, "Ever since that bitch, Connie, donated her blood to me, I've barely even seen my mother."

"I barely see her too and you don't hear _me_ complaining," said Peter.

"You'd probably see her more if she had a penis," said Brian dryly.

"Hey! Are you implying that I don't pay attention to her because she's not a boy?" asked Peter.

"No Peter," said Zack dryly, "We're talking about farm animals."

"Oh," said Peter, "That's what I thought!"

"Anyway, we need to get Connie off of Meg's back," said Zack, "Any ideas?"

"Ooh! Ooh! I know! I got an idea!" said Chris as he raised and waved his hand.

"Chris, this better not be about poo," said Zack.

Chris then slowly puts his hand down... And then puts his hand back up.

"...Or doody," said Zack.

Chris then slowly puts his hand down... And then puts his hand back up.

"...Or feces," said Zack, "Or anything else that's another word for human waste."

Chris then slowly puts his hand down. At that moment, Meg walks into the room with her clothes torn and tattered.

"Meg, you smell like a dog," said Lois.

"Hey!" complained Brian.

"Oh yeah, that must be because I WAS FIGHTING WOLVES DURING OUR HIKE?!" shouted Meg, "God this sucks! I have to go to the beach with Connie tomorrow. I wonder what'll happen next? Pinched by crabs? Attacked by sharks? Tentacle rape?"

"Meg, you can't get tentacle raped," said Lois, "That only happens in Japan."

"Wait a minute... That's it!" said Zack.

"You're gonna have Meg tentacle raped?" asked Peter.

"No... well, maybe later," said Zack, "But I meant the shark!"

"What about the shark?" asked Brian.

"If we get Connie attacked by a shark and have Meg save her life, she could be off the hook," said Zack.

"But how are we gonna tame a shark?" asked Meg.

"We'll make one," said Zack, "And I know who can help us do it!"

"Steven Spielberg?" asked Peter.

"No, he said he was too busy," said Zack, "But I know someone else!"

Later at Jillian's apartment, Tilly was putting the final components onto her mechanical shark.

"There. It's done," said Tilly as she wiped the sweat from her brow, "I give you our mechanical shark with a very unfortunate name... Ass Muncher..."

"I helped named it," said CJ.

"It's equipped with bluetooth remote control," said Tilly, "It also has a tracking radar, stereo sounds for realistic shark noises, realistic proportions, wifi internet, HDTV, FM radio, a swiss army knife, toaster, microwave, electric icebox, and DVD player."

"Why does a mechanical shark need all those things?" asked Brian.

"If it doesn't have a bunch of needless functions, it is NOT a machine," said Tilly.

"Good point," said Brian.

"Are you sure this will work?" asked Meg.

"It HAS to," said Maddie, "Could you imagine if all the plans on TV to trick somebody with a fake scary animal would go wrong?"

"Actually, that ALWAYS happens," said Peter.

"Really?" asked Maddie, "Wow... Then why the hell are we doing this?"

"Yeah, why are we doing this?" asked Peter, "Why don't we just beat Connie upside the head until she has amnesia?"

"Shut the hell up!" said Zack, "That plan is WAY too logical for a fic like this!"

The next day at the beach, everybody is setting up the plan before Connie and her friends arrive.

"Okay, so Tilly and Aunt Jillian are gonna set up the shark," said Maddie.

"Are you ready, Meg?" asked Zack.

"Please don't be in a two piece," begged Stewie, "Please don't be in a two piece. Please don't be in a two piece."

"I'm ready," said Meg as she was in a two piece bikini.

"AAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Stewie as he threw up.

"Oh c'mon," said Maddie as she rolled her eyes, "She doesn't look THAT bad, right?"

Chris, Brian, and Peter then all proceed to throw up.

"You know what?" asked Maddie, "You all can just go fu-"

"Okay, here they come!" said Peter as he and the others hid in a bush.

Connie and her friends them come out of the car and toss all their towels onto Meg.

"Okay slave girl," said Connie, "You watch our towels while we go for a swim."

Connie then removes her clothes to reveal her two piece bikini. Zack then throws up from within the bushes.

"Good lord!" shouted Zack, "It's like looking at a skinny dude in a skimpy bikini!"

"Did that bush just throw up and call me a dude?" asked Connie.

"Umm... no?" said Meg.

"Oh, okay then," said Connie.

"Why can't I go swimming with you guys?" asked Meg.

"Just a sec," said Connie, "Doug, check the water."

"No sharks," said Doug.

"Too bad. Guess you won't be going swimming, then," said Connie mockingly as she and her friends went into the water.

"Any moment now, Tilly should release the mecha shark," said Peter.

"You mean Ass Muncher," said CJ.

"Hehehehe... ass," chuckled Peter, "Hehehehe munch... Hehehehe decency."

Suddenly a shark fin begins to circle around Connie.

"What the hell?" she panicked.

"Oh my god! A shark!" shouted Lisa as she and the rest abandoned Connie in the water.

"Now's your chance!" said Maddie.

"Don't worry, Connie! I'll save you," said Meg as she was about to run in the water, but noticed Tilly and Jillian standing on the beach looking a little burnt, "Huh? What happened to you guys?"

"I made a bit of an error," said Tilly, "I forgot to-"

"I smell like hot dogs!" interrupted Jillian.

"...Mom, why don't you go wait in the car," said Tilly as Jillian sadly walked away, "Okay, back to what I was saying. I forgot to make the shark waterproof. It short circuited and exploded when it touched the water."

"Wait, then what's-" asked Meg before Connie was pulled underwater screaming as blood began to surface.

"HOLY S(bleep)T ON A S(bleep)T BURGER!" shouted Zack, "...You guys wanna go to Burger King?"

"Yeah, Burger King's awesome," said Lisa.

"Yeah, I could use a burger," said Doug.

"I like the whoppers," said Peter.

"Whopper rhymes with Big Mac!" said Chris.

Later, Connie is taken to a hospital to get treated after she was torn up faster than a cheap Mexican bootleg plush toy by that shark. She is being looked after by her parents.

"Your daughter's lucky to be alive," said Dr. Hartman, "Otherwise she wouldn't be able to feel every painful stitch and cut on her body... No actually she'd rather be dead right now."

"Thank god you're still alive," said Mrs. D'amico, "But you lost a lot of blood and need a blood transfusion."

"But who's going to donate blood to me?" asked Connie.

"My daughter can," said Meg as she and Maddie entered the room.

"But only if you meet my demands," said Maddie.

"No way!" said Connie, "I don't need brat blood anyway!"

"Fine then," said Meg, "See if you can find anybody else with AB negative blood."

"And let's not forget that the blood banks are ALL out," said Maddie.

"Okay..." sighed Connie, "What do you want?"

The very next day at the house.

"Thanks again for getting off the hook," said Meg.

"It was nothing," said Maddie, "You're my mom and that's what daughters do... They get their mothers off of slave labor... and put them back onto slave labor. Anyway, make me some lunch."

"I also like how you turned the house into a massage parlor," said Meg as she was lying on the couch getting a back rub by Connie. Maddie then snapped her fingers.

"Anything else?" asked Connie in annoyance.

"Yes, we'd both like more lemonade please," said Maddie as she handed her the glass.

"Ugh... I swear to god..." muttered Connie.

"Connie, I need a favor from you," said Peter as he was wearing a robe.

"What is it?" asked Connie.

"My thong has apparently rode up again," said Peter as he dropped his robe, "Could you fish it out for me?"

"What?! No way!" shouted Connie, "That's gross!"

"Remember our deal, Connie," said Meg.

"Oh god..." said Connie as the screen then fades to black.

"OOOOOH!" shouted everybody else in disgust and laughter.

"What a dumbass!" laughed Zack.

**End Chapter.**


	17. Wizzing on Oz pt 1

**Chapter 17: Whizzing on Oz Part 1**

**(A/N: Not story related, but Jamie Lynn Spears just gave birth to a girl named Maddie and she's 17 years old. Freaky, huh? Just a random thought. Anyway, on with the story.)**

Wind. That's what was happening all outside. It had been happening for days, and it kept getting stronger. The family was watching TV to see the update on the weather.

**Cutaway to the TV**

"Things are only going to get worse before they get better," said Tom.

"That's right, Tom," said Diane, "Apparently, the winds are getting so strong that experts are issuing a tornado watch."

"And we go to Ollie Williams with a live weather forecast," said Tom.

"Ollie?" asked Diane.

"WE ALL GONNA DIE!!" shouted Ollie as he was carried away by the winds.

"Thank you Ollie," said Diane.

"Wow, that wind was blowing on him harder than a Norwegian hooker," said Tom.

"Hookers sure do blow, don't they?" asked Diane.

"Yes Diane, especially Norwegian ones," said Tom, "They blow hard."

**End Cutaway**

"Everybody, there's a tornado coming!" panicked Lois as she ran into the room.

"Okay, nobody panic," said Peter, "Quick, everyone into the storm cellar."

The entire family then makes a run for the storm cellar outside. Peter then closes the door as the tornado makes it way through.

"Oh my god! We're gonna die!" panicked Chris.

"What'll we do?" asked Meg.

"Calm down, Meg!" shouted Peter as he slapped her.

"No, you calm down!" said Zack as he slapped Peter.

"No, you calm down!" said Peter as he slapped Zack.

"No, you calm down!" said Zack as he slapped Peter.

"No, you calm down!" said Peter as he slapped Zack.

"No, you calm down!" said Zack as he slapped Peter.

"No, you calm down!" said Peter as he slapped Zack.

"Both of you calm down!" said Lois.

"Aw, but it was _my_ turn," said Zack in disappointment.

"How long do you think this storm's gonna last?" asked Jillian.

"Given the wind speeds, and the amount of cows we have in this city, I'd say about an hour," said Tilly.

Meanwhile where the tornado is, a bunch of cows are caught up inside it, including one certain cow.

"OOOH YES!! OH YEEEEEEEES!!" it shouted, "OHHHHH!!"

"Looks like I'll be stickin' around for a long time, baby," said the tornado in a deep Barry White esque voice.

Back in the cellar...

"Great," said Maddie, "What are we going to do for an hour?"

"One of us could tell a story to pass the time," said Lois.

"Good idea," said Peter, "And I know just what story to tell... It's a story about a young boy and his inevitable journey to the dark side."

"Wait a minute, is this a Star Wars story?" asked Zack.

"Episode 1," said Peter.

"Okay, I'm no Star Wars fan but didn't Episode one SUCK?" asked Zack.

"But you get a part in this story," said Peter.

"Okay, who am I?" asked Zack.

"Jar Jar Binks," said Peter.

"PASS!" said Zack.

"Fine, then," said Lois, "Let's see YOU come up with a better story then."

"Yes, tell us one," said Stewie, "Hopefully it should be more entertaining than the sitcom Fox gave me."

**Flashback**

We cut to the title card of Stewie's show, "Stewie n' Pals" with a catchy jingle to boot.

_Who's that kooky guy who wants to kill his mom?_

_He's Stewie!_

_Stewie: That's me!_

_It's Stewie and pals!_

We cut to the interior of a suburban home. Stewie walks into the house and hangs his hat on the hat rack.

"Honey! I'm home!" sang Stewie. Cue canned applause.

"Where have you been, mister?" asked Maddie sternly as she walked into the room,"Do you know what time it is?"

"Yes! It's time to kill Lois!" said Stewie. Cue canned applause.

"No, it's 9 o'clock!" said Maddie, "Your dinner's gone cold."

"I can't help it," said Stewie, "I was too busy trying to kill Lois!"

Cue canned laughter.

"Is that all you ever think about is killing your mother?" asked Maddie.

"Of course not," said Stewie.

"Do you even know what today is?" asked Maddie.

"...Is it kill Lois day?" asked Stewie. Cue canned laughter.

"No, it's our anniversary," said Maddie, "sometimes I think you care more about killing Lois than you do about me."

Cue canned audience sympathy "awww".

"Why that's not true," said Stewie as he hugged Maddie, "If it makes you feel any better, I'll try to kill you too."

Cue canned laughter.

"That's my Stewie!" said Maddie as she hugged him back. Cue canned applause.

_Who's that kooky guy who wants to kill his mom?_

_He's Stewie!_

_Stewie: That's me!_

_It's Stewie and pals!_

**End Flashback**

"We got cancelled after 6 bloody episodes," said Stewie, "Yet they'll let like tripe like American Idol have 6 seasons."

"Weren't you an American Idol reject?" asked CJ.

"Shut up!" said Stewie quickly.

"Okay I got one," said Zack, "This is a story of a girl who went to a weird place that you could only get either if you were hit on the head or were on an acid trip."

"Ooh, I like this story already," said Stewie.

"Wait, are you telling the story of mom's gropefest at Burning Man of '87 which led to your eventual birth?" asked Jillian.

"..." Zack just looked as Jillian, "Okay, new story. This is a story about a girl and her dog who were whisked away to a place called Oz."

"Oz? As in the prison?" asked Peter, "What did she and her dog do? Rape a judge?"

"Not THAT Oz!" said Lois, "He mean Oz as in _The Wizard of_."

"Hehehehe, wizard," chuckled Peter, "Hehehehe, urinary bladder infection."

"Now, Peter," said Zack, "We can all laugh at bodily disfunctions later. Right now, it's storytime."

"So how does the story go?" asked Chris.

"Well my young, greasy, and obese friend," said Zack, "Our story begins in Kansas where a young girl named Dorothy yearns for a better place somewhere _Over the Rainbow. _Now due to copyright laws, we're going to skip that part and begin the tale after the house lands in Oz."

**Cutaway to the Story...**

The house is almost destroyed, due to the impact of hitting the ground hard. It had landed in a beautiful village and parkland where everything is in technicolor. Sadly, nothing is in HD so everything in the distance still looks blurry.

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," said Lois as she emerged from the house with Brian. Brian was now a black, furrier dog while Lois was dressed in a farmgirl's dress with her hair tied in pigtails... Wait a minute!

"What?" asked Brian.

Not you. HER! What's she doing?

"Me?" asked Lois, "I'm just-"

Who said you could be Dorothy?

"Well, Mr. Fox," said Lois, "I just thought-"

You thought, what?

"Well I AM the lead female on Family Guy," said Lois, "It just seems appropriate for me to be Dorothy."

No way! You already got to be Princess Leia in that Star Wars special. Besides, you're too old to be Dorothy.

"Me? Old? Hardly!" said Lois.

...You're freaking 40! Look, we're wasting time. You're being replaced!

"But Mr. Fox!" complained Lois.

I'm going to give you a different part, now go! Lois then mutters under her breath. Maddie then comes on stage wearing a Dorothy outfit.

"How about me?" she asked.

Too small. Maddie then leaves. Connie then comes onstage wearing a Dorothy costume.

"How do I look?" asked Connie.

Like a tramp! Now get the hell out. Peter then walks on stage wearing a small Dorothy costume that barely fits him.

"Okay now let's start the story," said Peter.

AAAARGH!! MY EYES! GET OUT!! NEXT! NEXT! Peter then leaves and Stewie walks in wearing a Dorothy costume.

"Is this right?" asked Stewie.

Nnnnnno, you're not what we're looking for. I'm looking for somebody more... female. Sorry.

"Oh... Alright then," said Stewie as he was about to leave, "Um... I know this sounds weird but... Um... I think I'm going to keep this on."

"Yup, he's a regular fruit salad," said Brian, "An assorted one at that."

Whatever. Next. Meg then comes on stage with a Dorothy costume.

"Let me guess," said Meg, "You're gonna make me a munchkin now. Or worse, a flying monkey?"

No, Meg! You're perfect! You'll make a great Dorothy.

"Author's pet..." muttered Lois.

Alright, shut up. Meg you get in the house and let's continue the story. Dorothy emerges from her house with Toto.

"Wow, Toto," said Meg, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."

"Fo shizzle, Dorothy," said Brian, "This place looks whack, yo."

"Brian, what are you doing?" asked Meg.

"What?" asked Brian, "I'm black. I'm just representin'. Know what I'm sayin', homegirl? This place ain't nothin' like where I come from back in Compton. Back where I shoot up some gangs like a real negro."

"Okay, now you're just being racist," said Meg.

"I ain't racist!" said Brian, "I'm representin'! I ain't nothin' like my father! Nothin'!"

"...This IS about your father, isn't it?" asked Meg.

"Leave me alone!" cried Brian, "I'm already shaming him with my black fur!"

"Anyway, where are we?" asked Meg as she looked around the place.

"Why you're in Munchkinland!" said Stewie as he, Maddie, Olivia, Tilly, CJ, and Bertram were all dressed up as Munchkins.

"Although not all of us are Munchkins," said Maddie.

"Yeah, that's a Munchin'," said Tilly pointing Janet eating a cookie, "That's a Bunchkin," she said pointing to a siamese twin Munchkin, "And that right there is Gary Coleman."

"Whatchoo talkin about, Tillis?" asked Coleman.

"And you, my fine pudgy and unattractive friend, have just killed the Wicked Witch!" said Stewie.

"Really?" asked Meg.

"Ding dong, the witch is dead!" sang CJ.

"Which old witch?" asked Olivia.

"The wicked one!" said Bertram.

"Ding dong, the witch is dead!" sang Stewie.

"Cookie!" said Janet.

"AWWWW!!" moaned the others.

"Way to ruin the song, Janet!" said Olivia.

"Yeah, thanks a lot!" said Stewie.

"Yeah, Janet," said Maddie, "Next time, DON'T sing the rest of the lyrics without us!... Showoff."

"I killed the wicked witch?" asked Meg.

"That's right," said a heavenly, yet ditzy voice.

Meg then turns around to see Jillian, dressed in a white dress holding a wand.

"Who are you?" asked Brian.

"I am the Good Witch of The South," said Jillian, "I think. Or is it North?"

"Do you remember where you're from," asked Meg.

"I don't remember," said Jillian, "But I do know that I'm from either the North or South."

"Let me try something," said Brian, "Do you hate blacks?"

"No," said Jillian.

"Then you're north, sport," said Brian.

"Well, anyway, I'm here to tell you that you've killed the Wicked Witch of The East," said Jillian.

"And you've freed us from her evil tyranny!" said CJ.

"That's nice and all, but I need to know where we are," said Meg.

"That's easy," said Jillian, "You're here!"

"...And where's here?" asked Brian.

"Right here, silly!" said Jillian.

"Ugh, she's barely smarter than a pack of Smarties," said Stewie, "Anyway, you're both in a place called Oz."

"Hey, that's right!" said Jillian.

"Also, how did we kill the witch?" asked Meg.

"You may wanna look under the house," said CJ.

"Oh my god!" said Meg as she saw striped stocking legs sticking out of the house, "She was wearing big red shoes!"

"Um... that wasn't the witch," said Brian, "That's Ronald McDonald. THAT'S the witch."

Brian then points to another pair of striped stocking legs with a pair of ruby shoes.

"Oh... Well, she won't be needing these anymore," said Meg as she took the shoes off the witch and put them on.

"So, do you know how we can get home?" asked Brian.

"Oh, I know how!" said Jillian, "You just find the Wizard of Oz! Maybe he can help you get home. He lives in Emerald City. Just follow the yellow brick road."

"Wait, what are those other roads?" asked Brian.

"That's the green brick road. That leads to Diamond city where the rich people live," said Jillian, "And the red brick road leads to Cubic Zirconiumville the fake diamond city."

"And you don't want to go there," said Stewie, "That's what we call the ghetto."

At Cubic Zirconiumville, there's a lot of graffiti, litter, and gangs blasting out hip hop music.

"Wanna smoke some Cubic weed, dawg?" asked one gansta.

"Fo shizzle," said another.

Back at Munchkinland.

"Can we please go there so I can hang with my peeps?" asked Brian.

"Knock it off," said Meg, "Well, we should be on our way."

"Good luck," said Jillian, "And beware of the Wicked Witch of the West!"

"Who?" asked Meg.

"Ah, it's probably nobody," said Brian.

"Nobody, eh?" cackled an evil voice.

Suddenly, the sky grew black as Lois(who was dressed up as a witch except with no blemishes and a shorter dress which showed off her legs.) flew into the scene on a broomstick.

"Homina Homina Homina Homina!" said Brian at the sight of sexy witch Lois.

"Who are you?" asked Meg.

"I am the Wicked Witch of the West, my pretty!" said Lois.

"A witch?" asked Brian, "You mean like those witches from Winx Club?

"Yes... Wait I mean NO!" said Lois, "Not like those f(bleep)king sluts from Winx Club! You have something I want deary, now give them to me or else!"

"Or else what?" asked Meg.

"Or else this!" she said as she casted lightning onto Meg... but it bounced off of her and killed Gary Coleman.

"Whatchoo... Talkin... bout... God..." said Gary as he died.

"Nooooo! Gary!" shouted Stewie.

"He died as he lived: Broke," said CJ.

"What gives?" asked Lois.

"The slippers protect her from your magic," said Jillian.

"Hooray for convenient plot devices!" said Maddie.

"A want a baby that looks just like her," whispered Meg to Brian.

"Enjoy yourselves while you can!" said Lois, "I'll get you and your little dog, too!"

She then cackled as she flew away on her broomstick.

"That was weird," said Brian.

"Well we better get going," said Meg, "Thanks everybody."

Meg and Brian then make their journey through the yellow brick road. On the way, they see a scarecrow with long hair and a goatee. Yes, it's Zack.

"Oh, hi there," said Meg, "What are you doing?"

"Looking for pot... er, I mean I don't know!" said Zack, "Not knowing is what I meant. I don't have a brain... and that's what people with no brain do... not know stuff."

"You're weird," said Meg, "But you're cute so who cares?"

"The name's Scarecrow, by the way," said Zack.

"I'm Dorothy and this is Toto," said Meg, "We're off to see the Wizard."

"The Wonderful Wizard of Oz?" asked Zack.

"The same," said Brian, "You wanna come along?"

"Sure," said Zack, "Maybe this wizard guy has some pot, er I mean a brain."

The three then continue down the road when they see a fat Tinman with an Axe wearing glasses. Peter is the Tinman

"Hey, Tinman," said Zack.

"Hey, Scarecrow," said Peter, "What the heck are you doing with those two stray dogs? You're gonna keep them."

"That's not a dog, you idiot!" said Zack, "That's a girl."

"You're gonna shag her?" said Peter, "Man, your standards are low. And I've dated some low standard girls in my lifetime."

**Flashback**

"Sorry Chevy Malibu, but I've taken an interest in other women, now," said Peter to the car, "You're a low standard car and my standards have just gotten higher over time. But if it makes you feel any better... the sex was great."

The car then beeps a few times, too.

"Glad it was great for you, too," said Peter.

**End Flashback**

"I'm NOT going to shag her!" said Zack.

"You're not?" asked Meg.

"...Did you want me to?" asked Zack.

"You want me to get deflowered by a scarecrow?!" asked Meg.

"Oh, I'm so sorry if I'm not Leo DeCaprio or some other teen dreamboat!" said Zack.

"I didn't say no," said Meg.

"Okay, before this gets anymore awkward, where are you guys headed?" asked Peter.

"We're gonna see the wizard," said Meg, "I'm gonna see if he can help me get home."

"I'm gonna try to get that brain I've always wanted," said Zack.

"I thought you wanted pot-" said Peter.

"Shut up," said Zack quickly.

"Can I come with you guys?" asked Peter, "I wanna get a heart."

"Wait, why do you need a heart?" asked Meg.

Suddenly, Zack is hit by Peter's axe in the forehead. Since he is a scarecrow, however, it doesn't really hurt him.

"Because I can do this without moral consequences," said Peter, "That and chicks dig a guy who's sensitive. So in a way, I'm using this as a means to lure women into a false sense of security and get laid!"

"You sure YOU'RE not the one who needs a brain?" asked Zack.

Before Peter can say anything, a cowardly lion runs by screaming. The cowardly lion happens to be Chris.

"HELP! HELP! MY TAIL IS AFTER ME!" said Chris.

"Oh that's the cowardly lion," said Peter, "Don't mind him he always does this when he's scared of something. Usually he'll just forget about it... or try to kill it... whichever comes first..."

"DIE, TAIL! DIE! OW!" shouted Chris as he tried to smash his tail with a rock.

"Yeah, he's trying to kill it," said Peter.

"I'm scared of EVERYTHING!" cried Chris.

"You can't be scared of everything," said Meg.

"Well, I am," said Chris, "I'm even scared of Disney musical numbers!"

"Actually, we're all scared of those," said Peter, "You never know when they come up and when they do, you just wanna get the hell out of the theater."

"Why don't you come with us?" asked Meg, "Maybe the wizard can help you."

"Hell no!" said Brian.

"And why not?" asked Peter.

"I'm a dog! He's a cat!" said Brian, "We clash together like whites and blacks!"

Everybody then gasps at Brian's statement.

"...Okay, he can come," said Brian.

"You're right!" said Chris, "Maybe the wizard can give me... A Nintendo 64!"

"Umm... Don't you want courage instead?" asked Zack.

"Courage doesn't let you play _Ocarina of Time_," said Chris.

"Great, so we're all going to Emerald City," said Peter, "You know, Scarecrow and I haven't been there since we were the bomb squad of Oz."

**Flashback**

Peter and Zack get a phone call from Adam West, mayor of Emerald City.

"There's been a bomb set up in the middle of the city!" said West, "You have to defuse it."

"We're on the job!" said Peter.

Much later, Peter and Zack are attempting to defuse a bomb. Peter is unsure which wire to cut and is sweating bullets.

"C'mon! Just pick one!" said Zack.

"But which one?" asked Peter, "Red or blue?"

"I don't know, but we only got a few seconds left!" said Zack.

Peter then cuts the red wire and the bomb stops.

"We did it!" said Zack.

"Yup," said Peter, "It's a good thing we used this practice bomb first. Now we'll be ready. Anyway, how long do we have until the bomb goes off?"

"I'd say about 5 hours ago," said Zack as he looked at his watch.

**End Flashback**

And so, the five continued their journey through the Yellow brick road, until they reach a fork.

"Wow, there's a fork in the road!" said Peter... as he picked up a fork, "And there's a splitting pathway, too."

"Which way do we go?" asked Meg.

"Hmm..." thought Peter.

On the right side, there was a nice grassy meadow with a rainbow and woodland creatures. On the left side, there was a dark forest with dead trees and other scary stuff.

"We go left," said Peter.

"Tinman, what the hell?" asked Brian.

"Are you nuts?" asked Zack, "The meadows is the right way."

"That's what they WANT you to think," said Peter, "Now let's go."

"You better be right..." muttered Zack as he and the others took the left side.

As they entered, a random man was walking down the road. He takes the right road. He is then suddenly attacked viciously by the woodland creatures who begin to rip him apart... Oh and the rainbow was turning him gay. Now within the forest, Chris begins to get scared some more.

"Guys, I'm scared!" said Chris, "I wet my pants!"

"You're not wearing any pants," said Meg.

"Then who's pants did I just wet?" asked Chris.

"MINE!" shouted Zack angrily, "I'm not standing in front of you anymore."

"Oh. Sorry," said Chris.

"Emerald City should be a little further," said Brian, "As long as we have nothing to worry about, we'll be fine."

"Are winged monkeys in funny clothes anything to worry about?" asked Peter.

"If they're dangerous, yes," said Brian.

"Okay then," said Peter casually, "...I'm only asking because I see a bunch of flying monkeys headed our way."

"Oh snap!" said Zack.

A bunch of monkeys then began swarming around the five... except Chris. A large group of them were just flying around pointing at him angrily(guys who all these monkeys look like?).

"EVIL FLYING MONKEYS!" screamed Chris.

"They're slightly more evil than regular flying monkeys!" shouted Zack.

"EEEEK!" screamed Meg as she was being lifted away by a monkey.

"DOROTHY!" shouted Brian as he grabbed onto her leg and was carried away.

"Dorothy, no!" shouted Zack.

"They grabbed the boy in a dress whose name I can't remember!" said Peter.

"Tinman, you've got an axe! Do something!" said Zack. Peter then throws his axe into Zack's forehead, "Okay, now do something helpful."

Zack, Peter, and Chris were still being attacked by flying monkeys. Zack then decides to take action, Kung Fu style. He punches, and kicks, and backflips, and makes silly high pitched Bruce Lee noises as he strikes each and every monkey down.

"They got away with Dorothy," said Zack.

"Wow, I didn't know you were Jackie Chan!" said Chris.

"That's because I'm not," said Zack, "Now, we better go rescue Dorothy and Toto."

"You mean... you're NOT Jackie Chan?" asked Chris.

"No," said Zack before looking at Chris' teary face, "...Oh alright, I'm Jackie Chan. You happy, now?"

"Yay!" cheered Chris, "I'm friends with Jackie Chan!"

"It's too late for them!" said Peter, "We gotta get to Emerald City!"

"What?!" asked Zack, "We can't just leave them at the mercy of the Wicked Witch! We have to help them!"

"I don't know..." said Peter.

"Did I mention that the witch is a bootylicious red haired babe?" asked Zack, "One who probably hasn't seen a man in who knows how long and craves for sex? She might even wanna do it with a robot."

"Then it's settled!" said Peter, "I'm going to make it my duty to get to the witch's castle and rescue that little dog... oh, and Toto, too. Glad I thought about it."

"Thought about it? That was MY plan!" said Zack, before Peter threw his axe at him again, "God, I _hate_ being a scarecrow..."

**End Chapter.**


	18. Wizzing on Oz pt 2

**Chapter 18: Wizzing on Oz Part 2**

**(A/N: A few announcements before we start. If any of you haven't read Ander Arias' "The Spellbook" I suggest you do so as it is hilarious and deserves more reviews. Also, this chapter marks the 1st Anniversary of me starting **_**Meg's Boyfriend**_** so um... yay for me I guess. Oh and if you haven't seen my fanart of CJ and Tilly at Deviantart, do so. Just type in Tilly and CJ in the search function. I also have a future Maddie drawing so don't forget to check my profile for it. Now enough boring stuff. Let's get on to the conclusion of this parody.)**

The family was still in the shelter, waiting for Zack to finish the story.

"So what happened to Dorothy?" asked Meg.

"Tell us! Please?" asked Maddie.

"Don't worry, I'll tell the rest," said Peter, "I've already seen _The Wizard of Oz_. Dorothy was being held captive in the witch's castle. Then suddenly...

**Cutaway**

_Never gonna give you up!_

_Never gonna let you down!_

_Never gonna run around and desert you!_

**End Cutaway**

"Wait a minute, did you just Rick Roll my story?" asked Zack, "How the hell did you put a Rick Roll VIDEO into a told story?"

"...I don't know..." said Peter.

"Okay, now I'm just gonna finish the story," said Zack.

**Cutaway to story**

At the witch's castle, Dorothy(Meg) and Toto(Brian) were at the mercy of the wicked witch(Lois).

"What are you going to do to us?" asked Meg.

"Hand them to me, or I'll kill your dog!" said Lois as she grabbed Brian.

"How do you plan on killing me?" asked Brian, "Are you going to use your magic? Stab me with a knife? Suffocate me in between your breasts?"

"What was that last one?" asked Lois.

"Stab me with a knife," said Brian quickly.

"Just what do you want from me, anyway?" asked Meg.

"Well, I- WHAT THE F(bleep)K?!" shouted Lois as she felt something, "Did you just touch my breasts?!"

"Wasn't me," said Brian before Lois threw him out the window.

"You're gonna pay for that!" said Lois as she dragged Meg into a chamber, "See this hour glass? When the red sand runs out, you die and they'll be mine! MWAHAHAHA!!"

"But just what is it that you wa-" asked Meg before Lois locked the chamber door.

Meanwhile somewhere on the yellow brick road, Scarecrow(Zack), Tinman(Peter), and the Lion(Chris) are planning to invade the witch's castle.

"So it's agreed," said Zack, "We all go to the witch's castle and rescue Dorothy."

"Sounds like a good plan," said Peter.

"Okay... so does anyone here know where the castle is?" asked Zack.

"Nope," said Peter.

"Nope," said Chris.

"Damn, if only we knew somebody who knew where it was," said Zack, "Somebody who was falling from the sky after being thrown out of a window after trying to grope the wicked witch. Nah, I'm asking for too much."

"MAKE WAY FOR BRIAN, I MEAN TOTO!" shouted Brian as he fell on Zack... who fell face first onto Peter's axe.

"MAN THAT STINGS!" shouted Zack, "I mean, I'm not bleeding or anything but Jesus!"

"Hey guys," said Brian, "I decided to **drop** by."

"My god, Toto. That pun was terrible," said Peter, "Who do you think you are? A 4Kids anime dub?"

**(A/N: 4Kids Entertainment: Where bad puns go to die.)**

A little later, the group is outside of the witch's castle.

"There it is," said Brian, "But we gotta be careful."

"Yeah, the place is crawling with guards," said Peter.

Sure enough, there were guards everywhere in front of the castle, marching and chanting.

_"Ah ee oh! Neooooo oh! Oh we Oh! Neooooo oh!"_

"Why do we have to sing such a depressing chant?" asked Bruce who was one of the guards.

"Because we're working for a witch?" asked Joe.

"No, no. It's not like the witch is forcing us to be sad or anything," said Bruce, "I mean, she was nice enough to give us these jobs, she pays us well, and we have good uniforms. So why the sad chants?"

"You know... I don't know," said Joe, "What do you think we should sing?"

"Something more upbeat," said Bruce, "Let's do YMCA!"

"I like YMCA," said Cleveland, "They have very good athletic programs for young men."

"It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A! It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A!"

"YMCA?" asked Chris, "Haven't we bastardized this story enough?"

"Well, looks like one of us is gonna have to distract the guards," said Zack, "Now I want us to do this fairly so we're gonna play rock paper scissors to determine who-"

Suddenly, Peter throws the axe into Zack's forehead.

"F(bleep)k it! You get your fat ass out there!" said Zack.

"What? Why me?" asked Peter, "Man, this is a bigger injustice than what happened to Felix the cat."

**Flashback**

Felix is on a street trying to hail a cab, but is speeds past him. It, however, stops for Garfield and drives off.

"It's because I'm black, isn't it?" shouted Felix.

**End Flashback**

"You HAVE to go or we'll never get past those guards and save Dorothy!" said Brian.

"No!" said Peter, "I'm not going and that's final."

**30 minutes later...**

"See? I'm still here," said Peter, "And there's nothing you can do that'll make me go there."

Zack, Chris, and Brian then shove Peter into Bruce.

"Looky what we have here," said Bruce, "Our first prisoner of the day. Now I don't believe in capital punishment and I would let you go, but rules are rules. I hope you don't hate me for it. But if you do, that's okay. It's normal to be mad."

"Okay, let's go, fat and shiny!" said Joe.

"There they go!" said Brian, "Now's our chance!"

They all run into the castle while the guards are taking Peter away.

"Poor Tinman," said Chris.

"Don't worry," said Zack, "We have to be strong for him. Who knows what kind of horrible punishment the witch will give him."

Joe and Cleveland are walking Peter down the hallway.

"Can I ask you guys a question?" asked Peter.

"Shoot," said Joe.

"Why did the witch hire a black guy and a handicap guy?" asked Peter.

"Oh, the witch is an equal opportunity employer," said Cleveland.

"She's that evil," said Joe.

The then make their way into the witch's room.

"Look who we found snooping around the castle," said Joe.

"He was with that little girl!" said Lois angrily, "Leave him to me. I'll 'take care of him'"

"You hear that, fatty?" asked Joe "The witch is gonna 'take care of you'."

"And by 'take care of you' she means not taking care of you and instead punishing you in a cruel and malicious way," said Cleveland, "Don't know why she said 'take of you' when she's not going to."

Joe and Cleveland then leave the room, laughing to themselves as Lois then locks the room.

"Looks like somebody is in need of a punishment," said Lois evilly.

"Oh crap! Don't kill me!" said Peter, "I have 3 friends. Kill THEM! They're in the castle."

"But don't you wanna... spank me?" asked Lois seductively as she came closer to Peter, "I've been a naughty girl, Tinman. I think I need to be punished."

"Holy crap!" said Peter, "You're hornier than a horny toad on heat! You wanna do it with a freakin robot!"

"And you're complaining?" asked Lois.

"Hell no!" said Peter, "I'm gonna prove once you go shiny gray, you can't go back."

They then begin to make out passionately.

"Wait, did you say your 3 friends are in the castle?" asked Lois.

"What friends?" asked Peter as they continued to make out.

Meanwhile somewhere in the castle, the guys run into more guards and hide.

"I know what I can do!" said Chris, "I'll take them all on! I'll rip them apart!"

"No, that's a dumb move," said Zack, "And I know about dumb moves. For one, you shouldn't try to tell Uwe Boll he sucks."

**Flashback**

Uwe Boll is beating up real world Zack in the ring during a boxing match.

"C'MON! I PAYED 10 BUCKS TO SEE _HOUSE OF THE DEAD_!" shouted Zack in pain, "DON'T I HAVE A RIGHT TO MY OPINION?"

"NO!" shouted Uwe Boll as he punched Zack once more.

**End Flashback**

"Wait a minute," said Lois.

**Intermission**

"I noticed that you weren't the scarecrow in that flashback," said Lois, "Did that really happen?"

"Yeah, it did," said Zack, "I just wanted to throw that in the story."

"That Uwe Boll guy sounds like a real douchebag," said Meg.

"Well, I'm gonna check this conveniently placed computer for e-mails," said Peter as he checked the conveniently placed computer for e-mails, "Uh oh. Um, Meg, Uwe Boll just challenged you to a boxing match."

"That big meanie!" said Maddie.

"And now he's challenged Maddie to a boxing match," said Peter, "What a crybaby. He can't take criticism. And now he's challenged me. Oh wait, never mind, he's going to look for a new video game to rape: Metal Gear Solid starring Adam Sandler. Continue Zack."

**Back to the Story**

Brian, Zack, and Chris are still hiding.

"Okay, so here's the plan," said Zack, "We look for the control room and hack into the main computer. From there we unlock all the doors and-"

"Control room?" asked Brian.

"Well, yeah," said Zack, "They're like in every movie ever."

"Not in this one," said Brian, "We have to do this the old fashioned way."

"Which is..." said Zack.

"Without a computer," said Chris.

"WITHOUT A COMPUTER?!" asked Zack, "What is this? The 1970's?"

"You three! Freeze!" shouted one of the guards as a whole bunch of guards surrounded them.

"Oh crap, what do we do?" asked Brian.

"I'll take them on!" said Chris bravely, "I'll take them all on!"

"Lion, don't be a hero!" shouted Zack, "They have fake, cheap looking 1939 plastic studio prop guns!"

"And we're not afraid to use them!" said the guard.

"Well guards or no guards I'll tear them apart," said Chris, "But can you guys do one thing for me?"

"And that is...?" asked Brian.

"Please talk me out of it?" asked Chris.

"No way! You're our ticket out of here," said Zack.

"But what do I do?" asked Chris.

"Um.. pretend they're the ones who greenlit _Meet the Spartans_," said Zack.

"AAAARGH!!" shouted Chris angrily as he leapt at the guards. He ripped them all apart in a bloody mess until there were none left.

"Maybe that was TOO affective," said Brian, "I didn't expect him to KILL them."

"Who cares," said Zack, "They were extras anyway. Let's go!"

The guys run in front of the door that lead's to Meg's chamber.

"It's locked," said Brian.

"Don't worry! I've got this," said Zack as he tried to kick down the door.

Meanwhile inside the chamber, the hourglass is almost empty, Meg is beginning to feel weaker.

"My time is almost up..." said Meg, "But I shouldn't worry. Any moment my friends will come bursting through that door to my rescue."

Outside the chamber, Zack is still trying to kick down the door.

"Any moment now," said Meg.

Outside the chamber, Zack is still trying to kick down the door.

"It sure would be nice if my friends were here," said Meg.

Outside the chamber, Zack is still trying to kick down the door.

"Okay, seriously. Where the f(bleep)k are those guys?" asked Meg.

Chris and Zack then finally break down the door and rush into the room.

"Dorothy! Are you alright?" asked Chris.

"You guys sure took your sweet time!" said Meg, "I'm almost out of sand and I'm about to die!"

"Wait wait wait!" said Zack, "You're going to listen to a freakin' hourglass instead of common sense?"

"An hourglass made by a witch!" said Meg, "We have to destroy it."

"I got an idea," said Zack, "Where's the witch's room?"

"I think it's out there," said Brian pointing out the window.

"Perfect," said Zack as he stood in front of the hourglass.

"What are you doing?" asked Chris.

"Wait for it..." said Zack.

Suddenly, an axe comes flying through the window. Zack quickly ducks and the axe shatters the hourglass.

"Wow! How did you do that?" asked Meg.

"Tinman's with the witch," said Zack, "Let's go!"

Meg, Brian, Chris, and Zack are trying to escape the castle.

"Wait, shouldn't we find the Tinman before we go?" asked Chris.

"Eh, he's probably dead by now," said Zack, "But if it makes you guys feel any better, we'll look for his dead body so we can throw it in a ditch."

Meanwhile inside the witch's room, Lois and Peter are under the covers after making love.

"Huh..." said Peter.

"What is it?" asked Lois.

"For some reason, I feel like I wanna punch Scarecrow," said Peter.

Anyway, back at the hallways the group is running until they run into a few guards. They are then surrounded and cornered by what seemed to be hundreds of guards.

"You scumbags aren't going anywhere!" said Joe.

"We have you cornered!" said Cleveland.

"Actually you have us in a circle," said Zack, "We're not cornered."

"You're not?" asked Cleveland.

"Nope," said Meg.

"Crap! That means they can escape!" said Joe.

"Uh, yeah!" said Brian, "We're gonna escape now and there's nothing you can do about it because us cornered."

"Curse circles and their inability to- HEY WAIT A MINUTE!" shouted Joe, "Yeah, nice try."

"What's going on here?" asked Lois as she and Peter ran into the hallways.

"Tinman, you're okay!" said Meg.

"Oh my god!" said Chris, "She bit you in the neck!"

"And you look kind of rusty," said Brian, "Almost as if she's been making you sweat."

"My god, you must've had to endure horrible torture," said Zack.

"Yeah..." said Peter, "Torture..."

"I've had enough of this!" said Lois as she cast a spell, but nothing happened. She tried again, but nothing still happens, "Oh screw it."

She grabs a lighter and sets Zack on fire. She then cackles as Zack screams.

"AAAAAHHHH!! WHY? WHY WAS I MADE OUT OF STRAWS, CLOTHS, AND POT?" shouted Zack, "I DO AND DON'T WANT TO BE PUT OUT!"

"Don't worry! I'll save you!" shouted Peter.

"DO _NOT_ THROW THE F(bleep)KING AXE!" screamed Zack, "THAT NEVER SOLVES ANYTHING!"

"Aw man," complained Peter.

"I'll save you!" said Meg as she grabbed a bucket and doused Zack in water. She also got water on the Lois.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH! NOOOOO!!" screamed Lois in horror as she clutched onto her face, "MY MAKEUP IS MELTING!! MELTING!! MELTING!! OH WHAT A WORLD!"

Lois then reveals to everyone her face. Her makeup was indeed running.

"GAH!" gasped the guards.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!" shouted Lois, "NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE MY 40 SOMETHING YEAR OLD FACIAL BLEMISHES."

"I didn't mean to!" said Meg, "Really I didn't! It's... It's just that he was on fire!"

"That's it! No more games!" said Lois as she was about to summon a spell, "I'm gonna finish you off once and for all! Then I'll finally have those ruby slippers!"

"...Wait a minute!" said Meg, "Is that what this is all about? The slippers?"

"Well, yeah," said Lois.

Wait, let me get this straight," said Meg, "You basically put my friends and I through hell, kidnap me, then set my boyfriend on fire over a pair of slippers?!"

"What was that about me?" asked Zack.

"I said Scarecrow," said Meg.

"Well how else was I supposed to get them?" asked Lois.

"Did you even think about simply asking for them?" asked Meg, "Did you even bother to think of saying, 'Hey there Dorothy. Those are some nice slippers you got there and I really want them. Can I please have them?' But NO! You had to kidnap me, lock me in a room and try to kill me with an hourglass! Do you have any idea how much time and resources you've wasted? You even frightened a bunch of children all because you wanted a goddamn pair of shoes! YOU KILLED A BLACK MIDGET FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

"So... can I have them?" asked Lois.

"You know what? HERE!" she shouted as she removed the slippers and threw them into the ground in front of Lois, "They're tacky anyway and they reek of your stupid dead sister's feet!"

"Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait!" said Lois, "...I had a sister?"

"Let's just get the hell out of here," said Meg as everybody was leaving.

"...So can we be friends?" asked Lois, "No hard feelings and all about the flying monkeys, the hourglass, and setting the scarecrow on fire, right?"

"Get bent you old hag!" shouted Meg from off screen.

"Anyway, I'll see you later, Tinman," winked Lois as she blew him a kiss.

"Wait a minute..." said Zack, "You and the witch..."

"Tinman's in love with the witch!" laughed Chris.

"Tinman and the witch, sitting in a tree!" they both sang, "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"Oh real mature, guys," said Peter, "You guys are bigger dickweeds than Flame Rising."

**Cutaway**

**The Following cutaway has been deleted. Flame Rising is indeed NOT a big dickweed. And I'm not saying that to keep him flaming my fic, punching kittens, or beating up orphans for their money which he does not do... maybe.**

**End Cutaway**

Much later, the group finally makes it to Emerald City and are in front of the door that leads to the Wizard's palace. Quagmire is the doorman.

"We want to see the wizard," said Meg.

"No one gets to see the wizard!" said Quagmire, "Ain't no one, ain't no how!"

"But she's Dorothy!" said Zack, "The one who defeated the wicked witch."

"Dorothy, eh?" asked Quagmire, "I'll go talk to him."

Quagmire then leaves and then quickly comes back.

"Nope, sorry," said Quagmire, "The wizard says go away!"

"Well, it looks like we came a long way for nothing," said Peter.

"Don't cry, Dorothy," said Chris, "We'll think a way somehow."

"It's not fair!" sobbed Meg, "I need to see the wizard. He's the only one who can get me home. Now I'll never see my dying Auntie Em. Never, never, never!"

"Yeah, that's too bad. Welp, see you later," said Quagmire as he walked into the palace and closed the door.

"...I'll let you pet my beaver," said Meg.

"The wizard said what?" asked Quagmire smiling as he shrugged, "Alright, let's get started."

Five minutes later...

"I can't believe you let him pet your beaver like that," said Chris, "What a freak!"

"It got us in, didn't it?" asked Meg.

"It was a really nice beaver, too," said Zack, "It was so clean and had the right amount of hair."

"Yeah, but the doorman seemed kinda disappointed though," said Peter.

"Stupid double meanings..." complained Quagmire as he was petting an animal beaver.

Inside the wizard's palace, the group enters a very large room.

"There's no one here," said Brian.

"That's odd," said Meg, "The doorman said he was here."

WHO DARES TO ENTER THE PRESENCE OF THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ!" boomed a voice as a grotesque floating head appeared in the middle of the room with flames underneath.

"Good lord!" said Peter, "It kinda looks like Scarecrow's ex girlfriend!"

"She was a blind date set up by my mom," said Zack, "Just let it go already!"

"Um, I did Mr. Wizard," said Meg, "I was wondering if-"

"SILENCE!" shouted the wizard.

"Oh man!" said Chris, "I'm scared! I wet my pants again."

"DAMMIT! MY PANTS!!" shouted Zack.

"Hey you're a wizard, right?" asked Peter.

"YES!" boomed the voice.

"Do you think you could do some magic tricks?" asked Peter.

"...What?" asked the wizard.

"You know, some magic tricks," said Peter, "None of that card trick crap or anything, but real stuff like pulling rabbits out of hats, putting swords through boxes. You know, that stuff."

"That does sound like fun," said Meg.

"Yeah I like magic," said Zack.

"Magic is awesome!" said Chris.

"...NO! NO MAGIC! I FORBID IT!" boomed the wizard.

"What kind of a wizard doesn't know magic?" asked Peter.

"SILENCE! WHAT I SAY IS LAW!!" shouted he wizard, "AND IGNORE THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAINS!"

"What man behind what curtains?" asked Brian.

"You know, the ones to your left... WAIT I MEAN NO!" shouted the wizard.

"Knew it!" said Brian as he revealed the wizard to be... Stewie.

"What the bloody hell did I tell you?" asked Stewie, "Get your ass back in the room and be awed by the amazing wizard."

Brian then punches Stewie off the chair.

"That's for getting two parts, you little punk!" said Brian.

"Yeah, why did you get two parts, anyway?" asked Zack.

"It's called fanservice. Deal with it," said Stewie, "And yes, I'm not a real wizard."

"He's not a real wizard?" asked the phoney guy, "You're not a real wizard! You're a phoney! Hey everyone! This guy's a phoney! A great big phoney! And that's not a word I use often. Phoney! Phoney phoney phoney!"

"Well if you're not-" said Meg.

"Phoney!" interrupted phoney man.

"...Are you quite done?" asked Meg.

"Yeah I'm done," said phoney man as he left.

"Well if you're not a real wizard, how will you get me home?" asked Meg.

"And give me a brain?" asked Zack.

"And give me a heart?" asked Peter.

"And give me courage?" asked Chris.

"My friends, you didn't need them," said Stewie, "For you were able to find these things on your own. Scarecrow, you gained a brain with your thoughtful tactics in rescuing Dorothy. Tinman, you gained a heart by allowing yourself to be used to distract the witch. And Lion, you gained courage when you ripped the flesh off of all the soldiers who were smaller than you. Now isn't that much better than getting those actual things?"

"...No," said Peter.

"Let's rough him up," said Zack.

"Wait wait wait wait!" shouted Stewie, "I'll let you all rule Emerald City in my place!"

"Sweet!" said Peter.

"I've always wanted to be the boss of everyone," said Zack.

"Emeralds are green! said Chris.

"Now if you follow me, Dorothy, I have something to show you," said Stewie.

"What is that?" asked Meg.

"Why it's a balloon!" said Stewie, "Years ago, I used this in my travels and got whisked away by the winds to this place."

"Why were you on a balloon in the first place?" asked Meg.

**Flashback**

Stewie is on his balloon floating above the White House.

"Nobody will ever suspect a harmless balloon as a means to assassinate the president," said Stewie as he pointed his sniper rifle to Bush.

Suddenly, the winds began to increase and the balloon was blown off course.

"Wait! Wait! NOOOOOO!" he screamed as he pulled the trigger. Multiple bullets went off for miles.

Meanwhile in Texas, Dick Cheney is quail hunting with his hunting buddy.

"A great day to go quail hunting," said Cheney, "I'll just put my gun into safety mode so that I don't accidentally shoot anybody."

The bullets then hits Cheney's hunting buddy.

"Oh crap," said Cheney, "I'll bet I'm gonna get blamed for this."

**End Flashback**

"Well, I suppose this is goodbye," said Meg, "Goodbye Tinman, the Lion... And Scarecrow, I'll miss you most of all."

"Ooh! Scarecrow's got a girlfriend!" sang Peter and Chris.

"She's NOT my girlfriend," said Zack.

"Scarecrow and Dorothy sitting in a tree!" sang Peter.

_"That's it. Tinman is so getting rusted..."_ thought Zack.

Meg and Brian then get in the balloon with Stewie and the balloon flew up into the air.

"Next stop, Kansas! said Stewie.

"That's right!" said Phoney man, "Go back to Kansas with all the other phonies you big phoney! That's all you are! A phoney!"

"Does it really bother you that much that he's not a real wizard?" asked Peter.

"No," said Phoney man, "I just like calling people phonies to compensate for the fact that I have an incredibly small penis."

"So that what this is all about," said Chris.

"...Yeah. By the way, you're all phonies!" said Phoney man quickly as he ran off.

Back in the balloon...

"Mr. Wizard, I couldn't help but notice something," said Brian.

"Yes, what is it?" asked Stewie.

"I noticed that your balloon... well... It has a rainbow on it," said Brian.

"And what of it?" asked Stewie.

"...Are you gay?" asked Brian.

With that, Stewie quickly hits Brian over the head with a bat which knocks him right out of the balloon.

"Toto!" said Meg as she jumps out of the balloon. She then lands in Zack's arms.

"Are you guys okay?" asked Zack.

"I think so," said Brian.

"Wizard! Come back!" shouted Meg.

"I can't do that!" shouted Stewie.

"What?" asked Meg, "I can't hear you!"

"What?" asked Stewie.

"I said I can't hear you!" shouted Meg, "You're too high up!"

"I'm sorry! I can barely hear you!" shouted Stewie, "I may be too high up!"

"Well then why don't you come back?" shouted Meg.

"I can't!" shouted Stewie.

"Why not?" shouted Meg.

"Because I don't want to!" shouted Stewie.

"Great," said Meg, "I'm stuck here."

"Not quite!" said Jillian as she appeared from nowhere.

"Wait, you know how we can get back?" asked Meg.

"You've had the power to go back all along," said Jillian, "With the power of the ruby slipper, just click your heels three times and say 'there's no place like home'."

"...Wait, you mean I could've BEEN home with those stupid shoes?" asked Meg, "And that going all the way here to Emerald city was a complete waste of time? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS EARLIER?!"

"...Ruby starts with an 'R'," said Jillian.

"Ugh! And I gave the shoes to the witch!" said Meg.

"So now what do we do?" asked Brian.

At that moment, Lois comes flying in on her magic broomstick.

"Wicked Witch! You've gotta help me!" said Meg, "I need those ruby shoes back!"

"Yeah... about that," said Lois, "I kinda ruined the shoes."

...You what?" asked Meg.

"Um, see, one of the guards messed up and let a burglar steal a family heirloom," said Lois, "I got so mad that I kicked him in the balls repeatedly. Then he threw up on my feet and I got mad and started kicking things. I got so frustrated that I threw the shoes against the wall a bunch of times. Then I put them in the washer and they got ruined. Here they are. Sorry."

Lois then hands Meg a pair of ruined brownish, black slippers.

"Wow... It looks like you're stuck here," said Jillian, "...Sucks to be you right now, doesn't it?"

"Great. Now what can I do?" asked Meg before thinking for a minute, "Hey Scarecrow, you wanna go on a date?"

"...Do you know how long I was waiting for you to ask me that?" asked Zack.

And so, Dorothy and the Scarecrow eventually got married and because his reproductive organs were made of straw, sex was less than satisfactory(But then again that's true for ALL married couples, amirite?). 9 months later, Dorothy gave birth to a human/scarecrow girl type thingy. One night at Scarecrow and Dorothy's place...

"Maddie, time for dinner," said Meg, "And stop running around the house with scissors!"

"You're not the boss of me!" said Maddie before she trips and falls, "Ouch."

"Not again!" said Meg, "Scarecrow, she has a pair of scissors jammed into her forehead."

"Again?" asked Zack, "Just where does she get that idea that it's okay to have sharp objects lodged into your forehead just because you're a scarecrow?"

At that moment, an axe comes flying through and open window and hits Zack in the forehead.

"...Sorry!" shouted Peter from afar.

**End Story.**

"The end," said Zack.

"Wait a minute," said Lois, "A lot of that stuff didn't happen in the real story."

"Well, it should've!" said Zack.

"That was a great story!" said Meg.

"I loved that story, too," said Peter, "I got to be a robot."

"Hey look everybody!" said Jillian, "The sun is out! I can see directly into the sun!... And now I can't see anything!"

"God, I hope that isn't hereditary," said Tilly.

"Hey Tilly!" said CJ, "Look at how many forks I have lodged up my nose."

"I've got more!" said Chris.

"...I am so boned!" said Tilly.

"Big time," said Stewie.

The family then walk outside to see that there was no collateral damage in sight.

"Wow, it's almost as if the tornado never happened," said Lois.

"Yup," said Peter, "It's good to see that everything is normal."

The family then walk back into their house. At Cleveland's however, the side of his house is gone and he's in his bathtub which was beginning to slide off.

"Not again! No no no no no no no no NO NO NO!" he shouted as the bathtub broke apart upon landing, "...I'm actually gonna miss this."

**End Chapter.**


	19. The Megxorcist

**Chapter 19: The Megxorcist**

Saturday morning, Meg was looking all over her room for something while making a mess. Zack then enters the room.

"Where is it?" Meg asked herself as she was tossing things from her drawers.

"What are you looking for," said Zack.

"My wedding ring," said Meg as she showed him her bare finger, "It's missing!"

"Wedding ring?" asked Zack nervously, "What wedding ring?"

"The one from our wedding?" asked Meg sarcastically, "I had it on my drawer and now it's gone!"

"Um, maybe you misplaced it," said Zack.

"No, I had it right _there_!" said Meg, "Anyway, have you seen it?"

"Well..." said Zack.

**Flashback**

Last night at Quagmire's house, Peter, Cleveland, Joe, Quagmire and Zack were playing poker in the kitchen smoking cigars. Quagmire is telling the guys a funny story.

"I was worried at first," said Quagmire, "But by the time we were done, it was midnight and she was 18! Allllriiight!"

"No way!" laughed Zack.

"That's freakin' awesome!" said Peter.

"How about we make this game more interesting?" asked Quagmire, "Let's bet money and valuables and stuff."

"That's crazy!" said Joe, "LET'S DO IT!"

"Wait, aren't you a cop?" asked Zack, "Isn't this illegal?"

"I SAID let's do it!" said Joe.

"I'll bet 20 dollars," said Cleveland.

"I'm betting 30," said Peter.

"I'll throw in a 20," said Joe.

"How about you, Zack?" asked Quagmire.

"I don't have money on me," said Zack, "...I'm throwing in Meg's wedding ring!"

"We got a big chance taker here!" said Joe "4 queens."

"4 kings!" said Zack.

"I'm out," said Peter.

"Me too," said Cleveland.

"Come to papa!" said Zack

"Not so fast," said Quagmire, "Royal giggity flush!"

"WHAT?!" shouted Zack, "I lost? AGAIN?!"

"Better luck next time," said Cleveland.

"I don't get it," said Zack, "Every time, no matter how good my hand is, I keep losing! It's almost as if somebody is broadcasting my hand out to you guys, perhaps in colorful signs that show hand drawn pictures of my cards... Nah, I'm just being paranoid, right Peter?"

"That is correct," said Peter as he was holding signs with Zack's cards on them behind his back.

**End Flashback**

"No... I haven't," lied Zack, "How about I buy a brand new one? That one was a cheapie, anyway. I picked it up from the ground."

"No!" said Meg, "That ring was special to me and I don't want it replaced. I AM going to find it!"

"Good luck with that," said Zack.

"If I find out somebody stole it or even lost it in a bet, I will rip their hearts out and feed it to Brian," said Meg.

Later downstairs, Zack is speaking with Peter and Brian about the situation.

"So if I don't find an identical ring in the next 24 hours, she'll feed my heart to Brian," said Zack.

"Hope I won't get _heart _burn," joked Brian, "Seriously, though, that's nasty."

"Why are you getting so worried?" asked Peter, "Why not just ask Quagmire for the ring back?"

"Trust me, I wouldn't want it back," said Zack.

"Looks like we'll have to hit a few pawn shops," said Peter.

"Pawn shops?" asked Brian, "Wouldn't it be easier to just use Ebay?"

"No freakin' way," said Peter, "Ebay is a bigger rip off than Ebay."

**Flashback**

Peter was on his computer looking through Ebay.

"Alright! A Devo CD for 99 cents," said Peter, "600 BUCKS FOR SHIPPING?! WHAT A LOUD OF BULLSH-"

**End Flashback**

Much later after going through a bunch of pawn shops, Zack, Peter, and Brian try the last pawn shop in town. It was a small, pawn shop with dim lighting inside. There were many things from old electronics, to old artifacts.

"This place better have a ring," said Peter.

"If not, then I'll have a _hearty_ meal," joked Brian.

"Will you please stop that?" asked Zack.

"Why?" asked Brian, "Is it because your _heart_ can't take it? Are you afraid of the _heart_breaking truth?"

"Seriously, Brian, stop it," said Peter, "Those puns are less funny than Carlos Mencia. That's right... terrible racial jokes are funnier than you."

"Ah, welcome. How may I help you?" asked the store owner. He was a black haired man in glasses who looked to be in his forties.

"Listen, I'm looking for a ring that kinda looks like this," said Zack as he held up a picture.

"Why you're just in luck young man," said the owner, "I happen to have one right here."

The owner then shows Zack the ring. It had the same designs and everything on it.

"Holy crap!" said Peter, "It looks just like Meg's ring!"

"How much?" asked Zack.

"This ring is a rare and valuable item," said the owner, "But because you remind me of my son, I'll let you have it for... say... 100?"

"Sold!" said Zack, "Thanks alot Mr...?"

"Just call me Mr. Reficul," said Mr. Reficul.

"Okay, let's go," said Brian, "This store kinda give me the creeps for some reason."

"Who cares?" said Zack, "I got Meg a new ring and nothing can go wrong. You might even say I _heartly_ made it out of that predicament!"

"HAHAHAHA!!" laughed Peter.

"Wait, how is that any different from MY puns?" asked Brian.

"Because heartly's not a word!" said Zack.

The next morning at home, Meg is asleep in bed.

"Meg... honey wake up," said Zack as he nudged her.

"Zack?..." she yawned.

"I found your ring," said Zack as he showed it to her.

"Oh my gosh! My ring!" she said with joy as she hugged her beloved, "Oh thank you! Thank you thank you thank you! Where was it?"

"It was around..." said Zack.

Meg then puts the ring onto her finger, but suddenly feels a cold chill moving quickly down her body which causes her to shiver for a second.

"You okay?" asked Zack in concern, "Why the heck did you just shiver like that?"

"I don't know," said Meg, "It was probably nothing. I better get to school. Love you."

Meg then kisses Zack goodbye as she rushes downstairs. Later at James Woods High, Meg is at her usual table with her outcast friends.

"You don't look so good, Meg," said her African American friend.

"Maybe you should see the nurse," said the red haired one.

"Maybe you're right," said Meg, "God, I haven't felt this sick since I was pregnant."

**Flashback**

Meg is in the bathroom throwing up very loudly with Zack outside the door worrying.

"You okay in there?" asked Zack.

"I... I think I'll be fine," panted Meg in exhaustion as she exited the bathroom.

"Who wants chowder?" asked Lois.

"Nevermind!" said Meg as she ran back into the bathroom to throw up some more.

"Why does everybody keep doing that?" asked Lois.

"Keep doing what?" asked Zack.

"Who wants chowder?" asked Lois.

Zack then throws up on the floor.

**End Flashback**

"I think I'm gonna upchuck!" groaned Meg as she threw up on the cafeteria floor.

"Hey look, everybody! Meg's trying to fit in again," said Connie, "She's throwing up at the sight of herself... Just like everyone else!"

Everybody in the cafeteria then began to point and laugh at Meg.

"God, how humiliating..." groaned Meg.

"Don't let it get to you, Meg," said her brunette friend.

"It's not fair!" said Meg, "I wish for once something embarrassing would happen to her for a change!"

Meg's eyes then began to glow an eerie red and Connie's hair began to come off, strand by strand until she was completely bald. All the boys stared at her in horror.

"...What?" she asked herself before she saw her reflection in a metal trashcan, "WHAT THE HELL?! MY HAIR!"

"Oh god!" said one student, "That's the one place you WANT a girl to have hair in!"

All the boys in the cafeteria then began to throw up which made Connie begin to cry... except she was crying in tears of blood. She then shrieked as she ran out of the room. Meg then looks at her ring and notices that it's glowing. She gasps in shock and runs out of the room leaving her friends behind.

"That was weird," said the brunette one.

"Wait, the camera's still focused on us!" said the blonde one.

"Quick, red," said the African American one, "We can use this as a chance to make a flashback. Then maybe we'll be noticeable characters!"

"Okay, here goes!" said the red haired one, "Boy, that was almost weirder than the time we-"

Later at the Griffin house in the kitchen, Stewie and Maddie were being fed by Lois while Zack was reading the newspaper.

"Open wide, Stewie," said Lois, "Here comes the choo choo train!"

"I'd love tie you to the tracks!" said Stewie, "Then we'll see if YOU love the 'choo choo train' then, woman!"

At that moment, Meg rushes into the house to Zack.

"Zack, I think something's wrong with me!" said Meg.

"Oh really?" asked Stewie sarcastically, "And how pray tell did you figure that out? Your feces brown hair? Your horrid glasses? Your grotesque face? Or was it because of your utterly repulsive overweight body? You know, I should kill you for being this stupid."

Maddie then knocks Stewie's high chair down, sending him crashing with a thud.

"MADELINE!" shouted Lois.

"It was the wind!" said Maddie.

"It's my ring!" said Meg, "It's glowing!"

"Geez, if it scares you so much, take it off," said Zack.

"I can't!" said Meg, "It's stuck to my finger! Connie lost a bunch of hair at school today and started crying blood!"

"Cool!" said Stewie from the floor.

"Zack, I'm scared!" said Meg.

"Meg, there's something I have to tell you..." said Zack, "That's not your real ring. I lost it and I got that one at a pawn shop."

"You WHAT?!" asked Meg, "How did you lose my ring?"

"Quagmire has it," said Zack, "I'll try to get it back if you want."

"EEWWW! NO!" shouted Meg, "Just get this one off me and quick! I think it's cursed!"

"Meg, don't be ridiculous!" said Zack.

Meg's eyes then suddenly turned red.

"I WiLl FeAsT oN YoUr bOnEs, MoRtAl!" shouted Meg in a demonic voice. She then went back to normal and noticed a very scared Zack, "...What?"

"Nothing," said Zack as he shook his head in disbelief, "Let's try to ignore it. I'm sure this will all roll over on it's own."

Later that night at the dinner table, everybody is looking nervously at Meg as she wolfs down all her food. Chris tries to reach for a chicken drumstick, but Meg growls at him like an animal.

"Geez, Meg, share your food once in a while," said Peter, "You're always complaining about being fat."

"I'm NoT fAt!" shouted Meg in a demonic voice, "I wIlL MuDeR YoUr eNtIrE FaMiLy fOr SaYiNg tHaT!"

"Meg, are you feeling alright?" asked Chris.

"YoU wIlL HaIl SaTaN, bOy!" shouted Meg as she started stangling Chris, "AlL HaIl sAtAn!!"

"Mom! Dad! Help!" choked Chris.

"Meg, stop trying to convert your brother to Satanism," said Lois nonchalantly.

"Oh my gosh!" said Meg normally, "Chris, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me!"

"I don't know..." said Chris.

"Let me make it up to you," said Meg before her eyes were glowing again, "cOmE HeRe AnD lEt mE eAt yOuR bRaInS, I mEaN HuG yOu! I dEfInItElY MeAnT tO SaY HuGgInG... aNd NoT BrAiN eAtInG! NoW gEt tHe HeLl OvEr hErE! I'm HuNgRy!"

"Meg's acting awfully strange," said Brian.

"What are you talking about?" asked Zack, "She's just fine. Aren't you, Meg?"

"YoUr MoThEr SmOkEs PoT iN HeLl!" said Meg demonically.

"Well YOUR mother practices prostitution in hell, but you don't see me taking cheap shots at her!" said Zack.

"That was a summer job!" said Lois, "I mean, no I don't!"

Meg then begins to laugh maniacally as she turns her head repeatedly a 360 degree angle and throws up all over the place.

"It's about time someone said it," said Chris, "Mom, your meatloaf sucks."

"Zack, help me!" screamed Meg, "I think I'm being possessed!"

"You? Possessed?" asked Peter, "Wouldn't they rather possess someone less crappy?"

"I would, but I'd rather have Meg," said Mr. Reficul as he entered the room.

"Wait, you're the guy who sold me that ring!" said Zack, "Who are you?"

"If you must know just arrange my name-"

"My god, you're name is Rectum?" asked Peter.

"..." Reficul just stared at him.

"I have to deal with this all the time," said Zack.

"I'll just reveal myself," said Mr. Reciful as he transformed into his true self... Lucifer!

"Satan!" said Lois.

"That's right," said Lucifer, "That ring I sold you had a demon spirit inside and it's slowly taking control of your wife."

"But, why?" asked Maddie.

"Simple, to get my revenge on you people!" said Lucifer, "I'm going to take the one person who means the most to you!"

"And you chose Meg?" asked Peter, "Why did you choose her? Meg sucks!"

"Does anybody here actually care that I'm taking Meg's soul?" asked Lucifer.

Only Zack, Maddie, and Brian raise their hands.

"Look, I promise I won't tell anybody if you do," said Lucifer.

Lois, Peter and Chris also raise their hands. Lucifer just looks at Stewie. Maddie then nudges Stewie and makes him reluctantly raise his hand.

"You better swear not to tell or I'll gouge your eyes out!" said Stewie.

"Kid, I'm the devil," said Lucifer, "If Hitler couldn't touch me, what makes you think YOU can?"

"Because I'm Stewie Freakin' Griffin!" said Stewie.

"...Hold on for just one moment," said Lucifer, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh thanks, I needed that... Anyway, the demon is slowly taking over Meg. If she's not release from the curse by midnight, she becomes a demon and my bride."

"Wait wait wait," said Zack, "Why are you telling us this? Wouldn't it have been easier to not tell us and win?"

"...No!" shouted Lucifer, "The explanation is integral to my evil plot!"

"...But why?" asked Maddie.

"Because shut the hell up! That's why!" said Lucifer as he then disappeared in flames.

"Oh my god!" said Lois, "My baby's being possessed by a demon!"

"That's not fair!" whined Stewie, "Why don't good things like this ever happen to ME?"

"Guys, I don't want to be a demon!" panicked Meg, "ShUt Up! YoU'lL Be oNe AnD LiKe iT!"

"Hey Zack," said Peter, "Have you ever seen this movie where this girl is being possessed by the devil and they had to get these priests to perform an exorcism?"

"Yeah, so?" asked Zack.

"I liked that movie," said Peter.

"Peter, stop being an idiot and think of something!" said Zack.

"No, I think Peter's on to something," said Brian, "Maybe if we find an exorcist, we can save Meg."

"Okay, but somebody needs to stay with her while we go look," said Lois.

"Hey Maddie, can you stay here and keep an eye on your demon possessed mother, k thanx," said Zack quickly.

"WHAT?!" asked Maddie, "ME?! But I'm ONE! What if her condition gets worse?"

"C'mon, Maddie," said Peter, "What are the odds of that happening?"

The family then leaves the house, leaving Meg and Maddie alone.

"AARRGH!!" screamed Meg as she transformed into a purple skinned, black haired version of herself. Black tentacles then begin to form from her shadow and creep towards Maddie.

"I FREAKING KNEW IT!" shouted Maddie as she was grabbed by the tentacles.

An hour later, the rest of the family walk into the house and notice Meg is chained to the couch, trying to break free.

"See? I knew you could do it," said Peter, "It wasn't that hard, was it?"

"...Kill me..." said Maddie as she was in tremendous pain and tattered clothing, "Also, did you guys find an exorcist?"

"Not exactly..." said Lois.

"Did you find ANYBODY?!" asked Maddie.

"We found a few people who said they could perform an exorcism," said Peter.

At that moment, Bruce the performance artist, Adam West, and Zack's mom Valarie entered the house.

"I do a little exorcising here and there," said Bruce, "Just a little exorcism humor."

"I saw a guy do it on TV," said West, "And the TV NEVER lies..."

"I have this," said Valarie as she was holding an _Exorcisms for Dummies_ book.

"So basically your mom's future lies in the hands of a gay performance artist, a hippie, and a delusional mayor," said Brian, "Meg is soooo screwed."

"Brian, you worry too much, said Peter, "They know what they're doing."

"Okay, according to this book the first thing we need is Holy Water," said Valarie, "Anybody got any holy water?"

"I got this bottle of pure spring drinking water," said Bruce, "It's really good."

"Eh, close enough," said Valarie.

"Meg is soooo scewed," said Zack.

"The power of Christ compels you!" shouted West as he splashed water onto Meg.

"YoU FoOl!" laughed Meg, "BeHoLd tHe PoWeR oF SaTaN!"

The walls of the house then began to bleed. She began to levitate all of the furniture and break al the windows in the house

"Oh my god!" said Lois.

"I know!" said West as he tried to taste the walls and spat it out, "This is the worst fruit punch I ever tasted!"

"Dammit! We're running put of time!" said Zack, "We only have half an hour left! Meg, this is all my fault! I wish there was something I could do!"

"Wait, I found something in this book!" said Valarie, "It says here that the best way to get rid of the demon within is to pray over the body."

"..." everybody just stares at her.

"But if you're not the praying type like normal people, you should use a transfer spell," said Valarie.

"A transfer spell?" asked Lois.

"Of course!" said West, "It's a spell that allows you to move a demon spirit from one body to another."

"But we need to place the spirit into another vessel," said Bruce, "One of you may have to sacrifice yourselves and let the demon take over your body."

"Pick me!" shouted Stewie, "HERE! HERE! HERE! ME! ME! HERE! HERE! ME! HERE! ME! OVER HERE! ME! ME! ME! HERE! ME! ME! ME! HERE!"

"I'll do it," said Zack.

"Super," said Bruce.

"DAMN!" shouted Stewie, "Well I suppose this isn't the first time I was rejected for something."

**Flashback**

At Megatron's house, Megatron is watching TV when his phone rings.

"Hello?" asked Megatron.

"Hey, Megatron. It's Stewie," said Stewie, "Listen, I heard that you were forming this alliance with the bad guys. You already have Skeletor, Bowser, Dr. Eggman, Dr. Doom, The Joker, and Dr. Claw on your team."

"Yeah? So?" asked Megatron.

"...I want to know why the hell didn't you tell me?" asked Stewie.

"I didn't think you wanted to join," said Megatron.

"You guys are gonna take over the freakin' world!" said Stewie, "Of course I'd join you!"

"Listen we're kinda full right now," said Megatron, "But when we have an opening I promise I'll... wait hang on, I got another call... Hello?"

"Hey, it's me. Shredder," said Shredder, "Listen, I'm bored and I was wondering if Krang, Bebop, Rocksteady and I could join your alliance."

"Sure! Our first meeting is at the McDonald's in the mall," said Megatron, "Just bring your own cash, because we're splitting the bill. Okay See ya... Stewie, you still there?"

"Who was that?" asked Stewie.

"My mom," said Megatron.

**End Flashback**

"Dad, no!" said Maddie.

"Zack, you can't do this!" said Valarie, "I forbid you!"

"But I have to," said Zack, "I caused this mess, I'm gonna fix it."

"Zack, no!" said Meg, "We can work this out! NoW gIvE mE YoUr WaLlEt sO tHaT I cAn bUy hIgH ScHoOl MuSiCaL fOr MaDdIe!"

"My god, you truly are an evil demon," said Peter.

"Maddie when this is done and I don't survive, promise me something," said Zack.

"What is it?" asked Maddie.

"Promise me... that you won't tell your mother I left you alone with her when she was possessed," said Zack.

"I promise NOTHING!" said Maddie.

"Don't worry, little Rachel," said West, "We promise your dad will come out of this okay."

"Okay then I'll chant the spell," said Bruce as he began clearing his throat, "Oh dear, my throat's too dry. Anybody got a cup of water?"

"We have some terrible fruit punch right here," said West.

"Give me the book, I'll do it," said Valarie, "Demon, release thy hold on the child and go forth towards my son!"

Meg then screams out as the demon spirit exits her body. It then dashes right towards Zack and is ready to possess him, but the clock strikes midnight and the spirit disappears. Meg then slowly wakes up.

"Zack? Is he okay?" asked Meg.

"I'm fine," said Zack, "It turned midnight right before the demon got me. Now there's a Deus Ex Machina if I ever saw one happen."

Meg then hugs Zack crying as Zack hugs her back.

"I'm so sorry," cried Meg.

"It wasn't your fault," said Zack, "It was all... Chris' fault."

"Hey!" said Chris.

"Okay, fine it was mine!" said Zack, "I promise I'll buy you a new wedding ring tomorrow."

"Well it looks like our work here is done," said West, "And now I'm off to make unnecessary tax cuts to pay for something incredibly ludicrous... I'm gonna find the world's largest banana!"

"I'm going to the GAP," said Bruce as he left with West.

The next day, Zack and Meg walk into the house after a trip to the mall.

"Guess what?" asked Meg, "Zack bought me a brand new ring!"

Meg then showed everybody her new gold diamond ring.

"It was on sale," said Zack, "It was pretty expensive, but I thought she was worth it."

"Well, It's a good thing that everything's back to normal," said Peter.

"Anyway, what did you do to the old ring?" asked Lois.

"I sold it to help pay for the new one," said Zack.

"Exactly who did you sell it to?" asked Lois sternly, "Was it to somebody we knew?"

"Well..." said Zack.

Meanwhile at the Pewtershmidt Mansion.

"I ShAlL FeAsT oN YoUr SoUl!" shouted Babs Pewtershmidt demonically as she was levitating all the furniture and throwing them at her husband.

"Why are you doing this?" shouted Carter, "Is this because I bought Disney stocks again?"

**End Chapter. **


	20. Little Miss Toddler

**Chapter 20: Little Miss Toddler**

**(A/N: Credit goes to Ander Arias for the idea)**

It's summertime and things are getting too hot to handle. Spooner Street was no different. Everyone was trying to cool themselves anyway they can. The family was sitting in the living room watching TV.

**Cutaway to TV**

"Another massive heat wave has been hitting Quahog as of late," said Diane, "Everyone is feeling the effects of the heat."

"That's right Diane," said Tome, "Everyone except us, that is as we're inside the nice cool air conditioned studio while you poor saps out there are sweating in their own sweaty juices."

"That's right," said Diane, "We're better than you."

"Don't you wish your house was as cool as us?" sang Tom to the tune _Don't Cha_.

"That's some good demeaning, Tom," said Diane.

"And now we go live to Trisha who is also not cool like us and is outside sweating like a sap," said Tom, "Trisha?"

"F(bleep)k you, Tom," said Trisha.

"Thank you, Trisha," said Tom, "Diane, what is 'f(bleep)k you' Japanese for?"

**End Cutaway**

"Bastards..." muttered Peter.

"God, it's like I'm being cooked alive," said Meg.

"I know," said Zack, "The heat's affecting my brain. In fact I'm so hot that..."

"...Well?" asked Lois, "Aren't you gonna finish your sentence?"

"What sentence?" asked Zack.

"Hey, where are Maddie, Stewie, Tilly and CJ?" asked Meg.

"I think they're in the kitchen," said Brian.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Tilly is opening up the refrigerator and has a garden hose connected to the air conditioning unit.

"You sure this is a good idea?" asked Maddie.

"Trust me," said Tilly, "If I transfer some of the freon from the refrigerator to the air conditioner, it should allow the AC to cool the house more effectively."

"That's the most ridiculous idea I've ever heard," said Stewie, "And believe me, I know a thing or two about dumb ideas."

**Flashback**

In the kitchen, Stewie runs up to Brian with a balloon animal. Brian was reading the paper.

"Look what I made," said Stewie, "It's a doggie. It's a real one too. Not like the sorry excuse that's standing before me."

"That's great..." dismessed Brian.

"Did I mention he's a Conservative?" asked Stewie.

Brian then pops the balloon dog with a needle without looking from his paper. Stewie then quickly runs upstairs and quickly runs back.

"Wait a minute," said Brian, "Where did you get the balloon to make that?"

"That's a secret," said Stewie.

Meanwhile outside of Meg's room.

"Okay I'm ready, Meg," said Zack as he took out a taped up condom package.

**End Flashback**

"Turn the AC on, CJ," said Tilly.

"You sure about this, sis?" asked CJ.

"Look, nothing bad will happen," said Tilly as she held up a piece of paper, "I've gone through the calculations thoroughly. I've double, triple, and quadruple checked them. I am NOT wrong! Now turn it on."

"Okay," said CJ.

As soon as CJ turns the AC on, the AC blows up and catches on fire. Stewie grabs a fire extinguisher and puts it out. Tilly just looks at her piece of paper.

"Whoops, silly me," she said sheepishly, "I forgot to carry the one."

A little later, the family gets a repairman to come in to fix the air conditioner.

"Here's the problem," said the repairman, "It looks like some idiot tried to put in too much freon. Oh and here's a note: Dear Mr. Repairman, if you found out that there's too much freon in the AC it was all CJ's fault and not Tilly's so please have my Grandpa punish him instead. signed, Tilly. P.S. Call me an idiot again and I will bitchslap you from here to China."

"Well can you fix it?" asked Peter.

"I COULD," said the repairman as he was writing down the piece of paper, "But I'll just give you an estimate."

"Zack, what does it say about the cost of repairs?" asked Peter.

Zack looks at the piece of paper and then holds it in one hand.

"It's over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAND!!" shouted Zack as he crushed the paper.

"What?! Nine thousand?" asked Peter.

"NINE THOUSAND?!" asked Lois, "Why would it cost that much to fix an air conditioner?"

"Well, your AC is an older unit," said the repairman, "So the parts are harder to find. Then we need to replace the freon, give it a new metal shelling, make it tamper proof, replace the filter, and rewire it so there's your answer."

"You sure you're not making this up?" asked Zack.

"Absolutely," said the repairman, "Would a repairman ever lie to make money?"

"Well..." said Zack.

**Flashback**

Back in the days when Zack still had his Auto shop, he's showing the customer the estimate of his repairs.

"So you're going to need some new upholstery, chrome rims, a new paintjob, ion thrusters, and a reactor core," said Zack, "This will cost you three thousand."

"Why would I want a reactor core?" asked the customer.

"Why _wouldn't_ you?" asked Zack.

"...Touche," said the customer.

**End Flashback**

Later after the repairman left, the family is trying to figure out how to pay for the repairs on the air conditioner.

"We can't afford to pay 9000 dollars," said Lois, "We may just have to bear through the summer."

"DAMMIT!" shouted Maddie as she was stuck to couch, "UNCLE CHRIS!! What on earth do you sweat? Maple syrup?"

"Not again!" said Meg as she and Zack began to pry her from the couch.

"Okay, so maybe not," said Lois, "Peter, you and Zack may have to work overtime."

"Not gonna happen," said Zack, "Angela's docking our pay."

"Yeah, apparently she doesn't have a funny bone in her body," said Peter.

**Flashback**

Angela comes bursting into Peter and Zack's office angrily.

"I was on the internet last night," said Angela, "Which one of you posted my picture on Shemale Classifieds dot com?!"

"Guilty as charged!" laughed Peter, "Aren't I priceless?"

"I'm docking your pay for this!" said Angela.

"Wait, what were you doing on Shemale Classifieds dot com?" asked Zack.

"...I'm docking your pay, too!" said Angela.

"Damn!" said Zack.

**End Flashback**

"So now how are we gonna get the money?" asked Meg.

"Hey I know!" said Chris, "Let's watch TV and see if they have a commercial that goes with our current problem!"

**Cutaway to TV**

As if right on cue, a TV commercial comes on with Adam West on it.

"Hello, I'm Adam West," he said, "I'm on TV right now. You can see me, but I can't see you! Now show yourselves! What? Read from the card? Oh, right! Next weekend we will be holding the annual Ms. Toddler Beauty Pageant. If you have a daughter or know a young girl between the ages of 1 through 5, then why not have her compete? Prove that you have the most beautiful toddler in all of Quahog and win 10,000 dollars in cash. Remember, there can only be one! ...Cut? What do you mean 'cut'? Are you saying you want to cut me?! Are you trying to assassinate me?! Not on my watch!!"

Adam West then delivers a punch to the camera and the commercial ends.

**End Cutaway**

"Crap! It always works on TV," said Chris, "I didn't see anything remotely useful!"

"No wait!" said Meg, "The Ms. Toddler pageant! We could win 10,000 dollars if we win!"

"Shut up, Meg," said Peter, "That's a terrible idea. I got it! We could win 10,000 dollars if we win the Ms. Toddler pageant!"

"Peter, that's terrible," said Zack, "Meg, what was your plan again?"

"We could win 10,000 dollars from the Ms. Toddler pageant?" she asked.

"Yeah, let's go with that one," said Zack.

"And I know just the toddler to enter!" said Peter, "Someone with grace! Someone with poise! Someone with beauty!"

"You mean...?" asked Maddie.

"That's right," said Peter, "We are gonna enter Stewie in that contest and dress him up like a girl!"

"Peter, Maddie is a girl," said Lois, "We can enter HER."

"Wait, I don't have any objections," said Stewie.

"Anything to wear a dress, huh?" asked Brian.

"No offense Lois, but Maddie is _Meg's_ daughter," said Peter, "That's like putting Freddy Krueger's daughter on Playboy."

**Cutaway**

A teenager is looking through Playboy.

"Wow, Katie Krueger is hot!" said the boy.

"I know I am," said Katie who was suddenly in his bed. She was a hot brunette.

"Wow, I must be dreaming!" said the boy.

"Unfortunately, you are," she said, "Meet my daddy."

"Nighty night, punk!" said Freddy.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" shouted the boy as everything faded to black.

**End Cutaway**

"You're saying that my daughter can't win a beauty contest?" asked Meg irritated.

"You've got some nerve!" said Zack, "I mean, c'mon! You call _Chris_ handsome."

Jillian then scowls at her brother for making that statement while Chris looks visibly distraught.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" asked Zack.

"Yes, Jillian, why are you looking at him like that?" asked Lois suspiciously.

"Nothing it's just... Chris isn't ugly!" said Jillian, "He's just as beautiful as his own children. In fact, Tilly, how would you like to join the Ms. Toddler pageant?"

"Yeah! It'll be lots of fun!" said Chris, "You'll get to wear a dress and make up. You'll be just like a clown!"

"No way!" said Tilly, "I refuse to join a pageant that supports the fact that girls are to be nothing more than dolls to the public and that 'beauty' is what matters only on the outside. I have a scientific mind and I'm sticking with it."

"...You get to wear a tiara like a princess," said Jillian.

"...Go on..." said Tilly now interested.

A little while later, the family is at the community center where the beauty pageant is to held.

"You wait here, Maddie," said Meg, "Mommy's gonna go register you for the contest."

"Yeah, squirt," said Zack, "Why don't you kids go meet the other contestants?"

The family then leaves the kids by themselves.

"I'll be right back," said Stewie, "I need to go to the bathroom."

"Geez, look at all these girls," said Tilly.

"I know," said Maddie, "And not a familiar face in the bunch."

"Tilly! Maddie! Over here!" shouted Olivia as she and Janet waved their arms.

"Well speak of the devil," said Maddie, "What are you guys doing here?"

"Well, I plan to win this years pageant," said Olivia, "Then maybe I'll reclaim my former child star glory."

"What about you, Janet?" asked Tilly, "Why are you entering?"

"Cookie," said Janet.

"YOU WANT **WHAT** WITH MY BROTHER?!" shouted Tilly.

"What did she say?" asked CJ.

"Nothing," lied Tilly.

"...Um, is that Stewie?" asked Olivia as she pointed to a little blonde football headed girl in a dress.

"Hello there, Girlfriends," she said in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Stewie's, except feminine.

"Stewie? What the hell are you doing?" asked Maddie.

"Stewie? What are you talking about?" she asked, "My name's Stephanie Griffith. Oh! I just HAVE to know who does your hair."

"Cut it out," said Tilly, "You're not fooling anybody."

"Oh, I see! You got me," said "Stephanie", "Yes, I do find this lad very handsome. So, are you available?"

"...I LIKE GIRLS!!" shouted CJ as he ran away.

"Why did he do that?" asked "Stephanie".

"Because he knows the truth, now cut it out!" shouted Maddie as she tried to pull off "Stephanie's" hair.

"Oh, hi there," said Stewie as he walked back into the scene, "Sorry I took so long, but those Mountain Dews are a real bladder buster... And who's this enchanting young lady?"

"...Whoops... Heh, Sorry..." said Maddie as she sheepishly let go of Stephanie's hair. Stephanie just fixes her hair and angrily walks away.

"Say..." said Stewie as he squinted his eyes at a certain direction, "That girl looks rather familiar."

"Oh crap, it's Mary Sue!" said Maddie.

"Hi there!" said Mary Sue as she hugged Stewie, "Hello Stewie!"

"Who is she?" asked Tilly.

"She's Mary Sue," said Stewie, "And apparently she's also my best friend, girlfriend, first kiss, she saved my life, had a Disney death, is smarter than me, has great sex, is the chosen one, can solve everything, and is also my long lost sister!"

"And I'm his wife!" said Mary, "When we grow up, we're gonna have 500 babies!"

"Like hell you are!" said Maddie as she pulled out one of Stewie's rayguns and blasted Mary to ashes.

"Did you just kill a girl?" asked Tilly.

"You can't kill a Mary Sue," said Maddie, "She'll be back in 2 weeks."

"Actually the girl I was really referring to was her," said Stewie, "The one with the dirty blonde hair, pink shirt, and plaid skirt."

"Say, who is that?" asked Maddie.

"That's Eliza Pinchley," said Stewie, "She's a British girl I once met. Uh oh, here she comes."

"Hello, Stewie," she said eloquently, "It's a pleasure to see you again."

"Um, hey Eliza," said Stewie nervously, "Listen, no hard feelings about your father and the orphanage thing right, because.. you know, _I_ want to kill her and all."

"Oh please," laughed Eliza, "Water off a duck's back! I have no intentions of revenge over what your mother did to my father."

The camera then slowly zooms into Eliza's slightly angry face as _Ironside_ from _Kill Bill_ plays. She begins to have flashbacks of her father being hung, then Lois, and then her time at being in the orphanage.

"So who are these girls with you?" asked Eliza.

"Oh this is my niece Maddie, my niece Tilly, and a couple of backstabbing ho bags," said Stewie pointing to Olivia and Janet.

"Madeline is it?" asked Eliza, "Pleased to meet you."

"Um, Likewise I guess," said Maddie.

"I see you take after Lois," said Eliza, "I suppose I'll look forward to... _killing_ you at the pageant."

"Did you just threaten to kill me?" asked Maddie, "And with a... PUN?"

"Of course not," said Eliza, "But I'm sure you'll be... _dying _to see what I'll be wearing at the pageant."

"There! You did it again!" said Maddie.

"Did what?" asked Eliza coyly.

"...Never mind..." said Maddie.

"Say, weren't you an orphan when I last saw you?" asked Stewie.

"Funny you should ask that," said Eliza, "I want you to meet my foster family... the D'ammicos."

"WHAT?!" shouted Maddie, "My god, please don't let mom see this... please don't let mom see this... please don't-"

"Okay Maddie, you've been registered," said Meg before she got a look at Eliza and her new family, "WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Dammit..." muttered Maddie.

"Oh hello, Meg," said Connie, "You do know registration for the dog show is the other room, right?"

"Did you just call my baby a dog?" asked Meg angrily.

"Meg, stop it," said Zack, "There's no point in getting angry at a walking broomstick."

"You better watch it, Shaggy!" said Connie, "Anyway, my parents decided to take in a little orphan girl from England."

"Why?" asked Zack, "Weren't they satisfied with dressing up a boy and calling him a girl?"

"Shut up!" said Connie, "Eliza gonna win the pageant and mop up the floor with Raggedy Ann over there."

"Oh yeah?" challenged Meg, "Well Maddie's gonna win and she'll be the prettiest girl at the pageant so YOU'D better watch out!"

"We'll see about that," said Connie as she walked off along with Eliza.

"What the heck's going on over here?" asked Peter.

"It's happening again," said Zack.

"What is?" asked Peter.

"The battle between Connie vs Meg continue," said Zack, "Much like the struggle of good vs evil, right vs wrong, light vs dark, waffles vs flapjacks, Marvel vs DC, Mortal Kombat vs Street Fighter, Sonic vs Mario, Saturday Night Live vs MadTV, Pixar vs Dreamworks, Resident Evil vs Silent Hill... I could go on, but I won't."

Later at Jillian's apartment, Jillian's mother Valarie is sewing up an old dress for Tilly to use in the contest.

"Oh, Tilly, you are going to look so pretty!" said Jillian.

"I don't see the point in putting her in the pageant," said Valarie, "She's not even a year old, yet. You don't need to corrupt her mind with the media's perception of 'beauty'."

"I'm not corrupting her mind at all, mom. She's beautiful the way she is," said Jillian as she snatched Tilly's bottle away, "Now stop drinking that milk. You're getting fat."

"But I haven't eaten all day!" complained Tilly.

"And that's the key if you want to win," said Jillian, "From now on, you can't eat anything before the contest. I'm going to teach you how to throw up alot. Only then will you be able to be called pretty!"

"Can I have her milk?" asked CJ.

"You're a boy. Gorge away!" said Jillian as she tossed him a bottle.

"No!" said Valarie as she handed Tilly her bottle back, "Also there's something else I want to talk to you about... Chris."

"What about him?" asked Jillian.

"I just don't approve of what you're doing," said Valarie, "He's still young. I don't really like you cougaring him."

"I'm not cougaring! I'm just going out with a younger man," said Jillian before she thought for a moment, "Oh, that's what you meant..."

"My mom's stupid... My brother's stupid... and my dad's stupid..." sighed Tilly, "Where do I get my smarts?"

"Your mom," said Valarie.

"Jillian? Smart?!," asked Tilly, "Now pull the other one."

"No it's true," said Valarie, "Your mother wasn't always stupid. She even used to be an intelligent brunette just like you."

"How did she get so dumb?" asked Tilly.

"Well..." said Valarie.

**Flashback**

Jillian is in the kitchen as a young teenager, bleaching her hair.

"Soon after this, I'll be the first smart blonde on the planet," said Jillian as she inhaled the chemicals and began coughing, "Perhaps I should put on a gas mask..."

The peroxide from the bleach then begins to knock her IQ down by a bunch of points.

"Ooh look! Water!" said Jillian as she began to wash her face with the bleached water, "AAHHH! MOM! THE WATER'S BEING MEAN TO ME!"

**(A/N: Credit goes to Needles for this flashback)**

**End Flashback**

Meanwhile at the Griffin home in the living room, Brian's gay cousin Jasper is shampooing Maddie's hair.

"Thanks again for coming all the way over here from California just to get Maddie's hair ready for the pageant," said Brian.

"No problem and not a moment too soon," said Jasper, "I mean just look at this! Her hair is in knots! It's more pretzeled up than I was during my honeymoon. OH! I am so nasty!"

"This will be perfect!" said Meg, "Maddie is so going to win that contest and I'll have the most beautiful child in all of Quahog! Let's see Connie top that!"

"Is that what this all about now?" asked Zack, "I thought we wanted to win the prize money."

"Zack's right. This is about the family and not about your petty little rivalry," said Lois before she whispered to Meg, "Don't forget to wear a T-shirt that says 'My Daughter Won and Yours Didn't' just to piss that little skank off."

"You shouldn't have to worry about a thing, Maddie," said Peter, "If your looks aren't good enough, there's another way to win. For the judges you may have to perform a little oral service-"

"DAMMIT PETER! She's only a year old!" said Zack, "She doesn't need to be going around performing-"

"What? I meant she may need to make a sappy speech to get the judges' sympathy," said Peter, "What did you think I meant?"

"...Nothing..." said Zack.

"Okay, so now you want me to win for your own reasons," said Maddie, "But what if I don't win?"

"Nothing," said Zack, "Except your mom will get pissed, disown own, have a new baby and have it replace you Brady Bunch style."

"ZACK!" said Meg.

"Hey, I'm just kidding," said Zack.

"You shouldn't worry about a thing, Madeline," said Stewie, "Especially now that the reigning Ms. Toddler will not be competing this year giving you an edge."

"Okay, what did you do?" asked Maddie.

"Let's just say that I 'convinced' her to drop out of the contest," said Stewie evilly.

Meanwhile at a far off house, a pretty little blonde girl is in her room reading a ransom note.

_"Drop out of the contest or you'll never see your precious Barbie again."_

She then looks through pictures of Barbie tied to a chair with a gun pointed at her head. Then another with her tied up with a bag over her head. Then one with her tied up naked with Rupert on top.

_"Please ignore that last photo. Rupert got a hold of my camera when I was away."_

Later at night, it was time for the opening night of the Ms. Toddler contest. Everybody was entering the building. Herbert takes a look at the sign.

"_MS._ Toddler?!" asked Herbert, "Aw nuts!"

Meanwhile backstage, all the parents are getting their girls ready for the show. Meg and Maddie haven't shown up yet.

"Where could they be?" asked Lois.

"Maybe they realized that Madling isn't beauty pageant material," said Connie mockingly.

"Wanna bet?" asked Meg as she and Jasper came into the room.

"I present to you the new and improved Maddie," said Jasper.

Maddie then enters the room. Her hair was now in curls. She had on eyeliner, ruby red lipstick, curled eyelashes, and a beautiful pink dress.

"Just look at her," said Jasper, "My greatest work of art. Oh I feel like I have achieved something.

"Mom! I've got too much make up on!" complained Maddie, "And I hate this curly hair. It keeps getting in my eyes!"

"Oh now let's not turn this into YOU, girlfriend," said Jasper annoyed.

"Wow, you've really spruced her up," said Brian.

"Big deal," said Connie, "Eliza will still win! Just take a look!"

Eliza then enters the room, wearing that dress and hair she had on at her birthday party.

"Hello there, Maddie," said Eliza, "I'll see you in the competition... In 3rd place."

"You're being too kind, Eliza," said Connie.

"You're both wrong!" said Meg, "Because Maddie is so going to win, right everyone?"

"Shut up, Meg," said Peter.

"NO, **YOU** SHUT UP!!" shouted Meg.

"...D-did you just tell me to shut up?!" asked Peter in shock.

"You think that's bad?" asked Zack, "I just went to Wikipedia. According to them, I don't exist... at all."

"I think the competitions getting to her head," said Lois.

"I know," said Chris, "I haven't seen Meg this competitive since... Dad, when was the last time she was this competitive?"

"Never," said Peter, "Meg's too boring to be competitive."

"Meg? Boring?" asked Zack, "What about Chris over there? He's about as interesting as a pack of white crayons."

"Why are you so pissy today?" asked Chris.

"Because I don't exist..." muttered Zack.

Meanwhile after everyone in the audience has taken their seats, the curtains rise as Adam West greets the crowd.

"Good evening and welcome to the annual Ms. Toddler pageant," said West, "We have so many talented and beautiful little girls here tonight, but only one will come out on top as Ms. Toddler and here they are!"

All the girls in the competition then walk on stage and line up. Adam West then walks over to the girl in the far right who was Olivia Fuller.

"I think it's time we introduced these fine young girls," said West, "What is your name and why do you think you deserve to be Ms. Toddler."

"My name is Olivia Fuller," said Olivia, "And I want to be Ms. Toddler because I feel that I can become a role model for toddlers everywhere."

"Isn't that cute, folks?" asked West, "This failure child star thinks she can become a role model. Let's move on. What's your name and why do you think you deserve to be Ms. Toddler?"

"My name is Tilly," said Tilly, "I feel as though I am best suited to become Ms. Toddler because it would help raise my status quo in future endeavors and with my intellect, I will be able to cure diseases and prove that even beautiful women can be very intelligent, proving once and for all that women are equal to men."

Everybody just stares at her in confusion as a cricket chirps. Tilly then turns to her mother backstage.

"Do what we rehearsed!" she whispered.

"..I mean, because I'm so very pretty like a princess!" said Tilly in a sickeningly girly voice.

"Awww..." said the audience in admiration.

"See that, folks?" asked West, "this girl isn't afraid to speak her adorable mind. How about you, little girl?"

"Cookie!" said Janet.

"Who the hell is CJ?" asked West, "Alright, let's move on. Why here we have someone who's name I know so very well... Jessica! Tell us why you should be Ms. Toddler."

"For the last time it's Maddie!" said Maddie, "And I think I should be Ms. Toddler because my family needs a air conditio..."

Maddie then turns and notices a very stern look from her mother.

"Um, I mean, because I want peace on Earth?" asked Maddie.

"A very small girl with a very big heart," said West, "And you little girl, why do want to be Ms. Toddler?"

"My name is Eliza Pinchley," said Eliza in her sophisticated British accent, "And when I win, I wish to donate all the prize money to charity."

_"Charity, my ass..." _thought Maddie_, "That money's going to a charity alright: The Charity of Connie. Hehe... Charity of Connie. It's funny because it's not a real charity, but a clever analogy to the fact that Connie's selfish and will take the money all for herself... I'm so funny."_

"And there you have it," said West, "All these girls have aspirations to become Ms. Toddler. Every single one of them."

"Hey! What about us?" asked a random contestant.

"You're not important to the plot," said West, "Next we move onto the talent segment of the show, so you girls go backstage and get your talents ready!"

All the girls walk backstage to their parents. Maddie walks back to a very stern looking Meg.

"What the hell was that?" asked Meg.

"What?" asked Maddie, "I said what you wanted!"

"It wasn't cute enough," said Meg, "You're supposed to be sweet!"

"But I was!" said Maddie.

"That was cavity inducing sweet," said Meg, "I want diabetes inducing sweet. I mean, c'mon! Jillian Jr. did a better job than you!"

"Meg, you're acting nuts," said Zack, "She's just a kid and It's just a contest."

"It's not just a contest!" said Meg, "This is my chance to win at something and rub it in Connie's face!"

"I thought this had something to do with an air conditioner," said Peter.

"Oh, yeah, that too I guess..." Meg shrugged.

"Well, Tilly's about to start her act," said Lois, "We should watch."

Out on stage, Tilly has out a box and a saw.

"Tonight, I am going to entertain you all with a little magic trick," said Tilly, "Now I'm going to need a volunteer from the audience... you!"

CJ then walks on stage.

"You sir. We've never met before in our lives have we?" asked Tilly.

"Of course not," said CJ reading from a piece of paper, "I have never seen you before, ever. Shake hand."

"Sir, I would like you to step into the box," said Tilly.

"Gladly. Lie down in box," read CJ as Tilly closed the box.

"Now I will saw the boy in half!" said Tilly as she slowly sawed the box, "Watch as I magically saw him without harming the boy."

Tilly slowly saws the box until blood stains appear on the saw edge.

"Oh my gosh..." murmured someone from the audience.

"What did she do?" murmured another.

"Um, it's all part of the act," said Tilly nervously as she sawed some more. Blood then starts to gush out of the box.

A few people in the audience then begin to scream and look in shock.

"OH MY GOD! CJ!!" screamed Tilly, "I KILLED HIM!! HE WAS MY BROTHER AND I KILLED HIM!! I'M A MONSTER! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE AN ACT!! CJ I'M SORRY!!"

Tilly then runs off stage, sobbing. CJ then opens the box, holding a tomato he was eating.

"Hey sis, is the act over?" asked CJ, "...Sis?"

"That'll definitely win the judges over," said Brian sarcastically.

"Okay, you're going to be on in 10 minutes," said Meg, "So you better get your singing act together."

"Singing?" asked Maddie, "I was supposed to play on the piano."

"Yes, we've been practicing," said Lois, "She's gotten really good."

"Nobody wants to see you play the piano," said Meg.

"Well I don't want to sing!" said Maddie.

"Oh you'll sing alright," said Meg, "You're going to sing and you're going to win!"

"That's all this is about to you, isn't it?" asked Maddie angrily, "You just want me to win so you can beat Connie! That's the only reason you made me join this pageant in the first place!"

"That's not true!" said Meg.

"Then why won't you let me use my own talent?" asked Maddie.

"Because I want you to win!" said Meg.

"Whatever, I'm outta here!" said Maddie as she walked away angrily.

"Maddie, get back here!" said Meg.

Maddie was already near the exit door. She was about to leave when Olivia shows up.

"Maddie, you can't leave!" said Olivia.

"I'm leaving and there's nothing you can do to stop me!" said Maddie.

"Aw, is the little baby leaving?" mocked Eliza, "I suppose you just don't have the looks... just like your mother."

"Yeah, well at least I'm not an orphan!" said Maddie.

"...What did you just say?" asked Eliza.

"I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?" asked Maddie, "Look, why don't you cry to daddy... Oh wait, that's right! You don't have one!"

"Shut yer trap you bloody wanka!" shouted Eliza in her obnoxious British accent as she threw a cup of juice at Maddie.

"Maddie! NOOOO!" shouted Olivia as she dived in slow motion in front of Maddie as she took the hit from the juice.

"Olivia! Are you okay?" asked Maddie.

"What kind of juice hit me?" asked Olivia.

"...Tasty Juice," said Maddie.

"Tasty Juice?! You've gotta be f(bleep)king kidding me!" said Olivia, "Killed by Tasty Juice once again..."

"Don't say that Olivia!" said Maddie as she held onto her dear friend, "I'll get Jasper! Maybe he can save you."

"No, Maddie," said Olivia, "No beautician can save me now... No matter how stereotypically gay he may be... It's to late for me... my dress and hair is ruined..."

"Olivia we can save you! Just hang in there!" said Maddie.

"Maddie... You have to win... Avenge... me..." said Olivia as she closed her eyes.

"NOOOOOOOOO!!" shouted Maddie.

Stewie walks by and sees Maddie holding an unconscious Olivia covered in red juice screaming out in frustration.

"...I'm gonna go over there now," said Stewie as he walked away, "Note to self: Do not piss of Maddie if you want to live!"

Meanwhile Maddie is waiting outside of Olivia's dressing room. Jasper then comes out.

"Will she make it?" asked Maddie.

"I'm afraid not," said Jasper, "She's... She's... The juice dried up in her hair!"

"My god..." said Peter, "When will the casualties end?"

"This is all my fault," said Maddie.

"No, it's mine," said Meg, "I shouldn't have pushed you too much... I just want you to win to prove that... Well... You're not ugly... like me..."

"I don't think you're ugly," said Maddie, "In fact, I'm glad I look like you."

"Thanks, Maddie," said Meg, "...How about we drop out of this silly contest altogether?"

"Gladly. These curls are starting to drive me nuts!" said Maddie as she undid her hair back to normal, "It's too bad Eliza's gonna win. Looks like Connie's gonna rub it in your face."

"I wouldn't bet on it," said Olivia as she walked out of the dresser room with red hair.

"What do you mean?" asked Stewie.

"Well, she was drinking Tasty Juice, right?" asked Olivia, "I remember the old slogan: _Drink it, Then Convert it To Pee_."

Maddie then thought about it for a moment and then began to grin from ear to ear. Meanwhile out on stage, Eliza was singing.

_Girls! They wanna have fuuuun! _

_Oh girls just wanna fun! _

Suddenly, Eliza wets her dress.

"Oh bloody 'ell!" Eliza shouted in her obnoxious, "I've gone and soiled me self... again!"

"...Wow," said Maddie, "If I ever woke up sounding like that, I'd run towards the nearest living thing and kill it."

Meg then smiles at Connie.

"Don't give me that smug look," said Connie.

The next day at the Griffin home, everyone is on the couch cooling off to their NEW air conditioner.

"Wow, Maddie," said Peter, "I can't believe you won the contest by default."

"I also can't believe a little girl can say all 13 swear words on stage," said Zack, "Which got Eliza disqualified."

"And they even put my name on the scepter," said Maddie as she was reading it, "Ms. Toddler of Quahog: Macy Murdock."

"I'm so proud of you," said Meg as she hugged Maddie.

"I'm proud of you too.. Macy!" teased Lois.

"Not funny," said Maddie, "But Eliza is probably bitter that I beat her... I'll bet our paths will cross again someday."

"...We'll see her Monday at preschool," said Stewie.

"Duh! That's what I meant," said Maddie.

"...Can I wear the tiara?" asked Stewie.

"Hell no!" shouted Maddie.

**End Chapter.**


	21. Time Stew

**Chapter 21: Time Stew**

Dark clouds surround a depressing dystopian city that was once the beautiful city of Quahog. Erected in the center of the city was a large golden statue of the Earth's new ruler: Stewie Griffin. Inside of a huge castle sits the infant world ruler. He is then approached by a cloaked henchwoman.

"Master, it's noon," she said.

"Splendid," said Stewie as he and the henchwoman walked downstairs to the dungeon.

"You wish to torture the prisoners again?" asked the cloaked woman.

"Of course," said Stewie, "Oh, how I love to torture those fools!"

The two then finally reach the dungeon. Chained to the walls were his own family: Peter, Chris, Meg, Brian, and Zack.

"Why are you doing this to us?!" asked Meg.

"Because you idiots have always been a thorn to my side!" said Stewie, "Always in my way of world domination."

"I still can't believe you're evil!" said Peter, "Lois, where did we go wrong?"

Peter is talking to a skeleton that had on Lois' clothing and hair.

"WHY DON'T YOU EVER TALK TO ME ANYMORE, LOIS?" shouted Peter.

"It's because she's dead," said Zack.

"No, it's because she's being a jerk!" said Peter, "And she's fat..."

"Yes, she is dead," said Stewie, "I killed her. I also remembered that I had to unfortunately kill Maddie as well. If I remember, she becomes a time traveler and is a potential threat."

"Master, you forgot to kill someone else," said the henchwoman.

"And who is that, nameless henchwoman?" asked Stewie.

"Tilly, for cloning me!" said the henchwoman and she opened her cloak to reveal that she was future Maddie.

"GUARDS! SEIZE HER!" shouted Stewie.

A bunch of guards come running into the dungeon, but Maddie makes short work of them with her semi-automatic pistols. She then kicks off an AK-40 from a fallen guard to take care of the rest.

"Not so fast!" said Stewie as he pulled out his ray gun, but Maddie skillfully shoots it out of his hand. She then points the gun at Stewie.

"I'll see you in hell, dear uncle," said Maddie.

"Wait a minute, let's not be hasty!" said Stewie nervously, "Maddie, dear sweet Maddie. The same Maddie who wouldn't harm a fly. You wouldn't kill your own uncle, wouldn't you?"

Maddie moves the gun away from Stewie's face and thinks for a moment.

"...Watch me!" she said as she pointed it back to his head and pulled the trigger.

Stewie then wakes up screaming with Maddie looking over.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" he screamed.

"Stewie! Stewie! It's okay!" said Maddie, "It was just a dream! What was it about anyway?"

Stewie just looks at Maddie for a few seconds. Later, Maddie walks into Meg's room with a black eye.

"What's wrong?" asked Meg, "What happened to your eye?"

"Nothing," said Maddie as she spat out blood, "Oh and if you guys ever find Stewie, I didn't do it."

Meanwhile in Stewie's room, Stewie's head is slammed right into the wall.

"Oh, that girl is sooo dead," said Stewie.

The next morning, Maddie is placed on her high chair next to Stewie. Stewie is still a little bruised from last night.

"Enjoyed my knuckle sandwich?" asked Maddie.

"Celebrate now while you still can you shrew!" said Stewie, "But mark my word, when you get your comeuppance you'll wish you were never born!"

"Whatever," said Maddie.

"I mean it!" said Stewie, "You'll be sorry, just like Crash Bandicoot was he was taunting Mario in that commercial!"

**Flashback**

Remember that old Crash Bandicoot commercial for the Playstation when he was shouting at Mario with the megaphone?

"Hey, plumberboy!" shouted Crash, "Mustache man! You're worst nightmare has arrived! Yeah, that's right! I'm gonna come out on top, and I'll still come out on top! In fact, I'll bet by 2008 I'll be waaaay better and more popular than you. Everyone will like my games better and people will still be talking about how I'm Sony's great mascot! Yup, nothing but clear sailing after my 3rd game and then it's onto the PS2 generation as Sony's new mascot!"

Only one word can describe this scene: **IRONY!**

**End Flashback**

"You really need to get over yourself," said Maddie.

"Maddie's right," said Brian, "She never really did anything to you and when she did, it was your fault."

"_MY_ fault?!" asked Stewie, "How was this MY fault?"

"Oh you're right," said Brian, "How silly of me. It was all her fault that you punched her after she asked if you were okay and showing concern for you. No way you're the bad guy there."

"Exactly! It's about time-" said Stewie before realizing something, "Oh I see, you were being witty. That wasn't funny. You know who IS funny? Adam Sandler! I love comedies."

"Adam Sandler?" asked Brian, "I thought you said you liked comedies."

"I did," said Stewie, "...DAMN YOU AND YOUR WIT!"

"Damn ME?" asked Brian, "You're the one who's making this easy. Proving how stupid Jillian is would be harder than this. Remember that little story she told about firefighting?"

**Flashback**

Everyone is in sitting in the living room watching TV.

"Zack and I are thinking of becoming firefighters," said Peter.

"Doesn't that sound awesome?" asked Zack.

"No way!" said Meg, "It's too dangerous."

"Meg's right," said Jillian, "Fighting fires is dangerous. I remember I once tried firefighting and it was REALLY hard! Every time I tried to hit the fire with my fists, it would always cheat by burning me so I couldn't touch it. Fire is also magical because when I threw water at it to stun it, the fire vanished! How weird is that?"

"..." Everyone just looks at her in disbelief.

"WHAT?!" asked Jillian.

**End Flashback**

"But just look at her!" said Stewie, "Didn't you see what she grows up into?"

"Who could forget," said Brian, "She's a bombshell that drops bombshells"

"She becomes skilled in combat," said Stewie, "She could defeat me and jeopardize destroy my plans for world domination. She's a threat, Brian! And I must stop that threat before it starts."

"What are you gonna do? Kill her?" asked Brian.

"No!" said Stewie, "That would be too obvious. I'm going to get rid of her in a way she least suspects, but how?..."

"Stewie, have you ever heard the old saying, 'Be careful what you wish for?'" asked Brian.

"Yes, what about it?" asked Stewie.

"Well, I have a feeling you're gonna get more than you bargained for," said Brian.

"Hey, Chris," said Peter, "You wanna play a game?"

"I like games!" said Chris, "What is it?"

"Every time somebody says Meg, we throw food at her," said Peter.

"Meg, do you want some eggs?" asked Lois.

Oh! She said it!" said Peter as he and Chris threw corn flakes at her.

"DAD!" shouted Meg.

"Peter, stop throwing Corn Flakes at your daughter," said Lois.

"Who?" asked Peter.

"Meg," said Lois.

Peter then throws a sausage at Meg's face.

"OW!! THAT WAS HOT!" shouted Meg.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Peter.

"PETER!" shouted Lois.

"What? I'm just having fun!" said Peter, "Say, I was thinking that maybe we could all go to the movies. You know, just you, me, and our kids Chris and Stewie. All of our kids, Chris and Stewie. Yup, every single one of our kids... Chris and Stewie."

"DAMMIT, WHAT ABOUT ME?!" shouted Meg.

"Wait, who?" asked Peter.

"Your daughter Meg!!" shouted Meg before Peter threw his bowl at Meg, knocking her out.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!" laughed Peter, "That was awesome! It was even funnier than the time I-"

Zack then swing his arm with all his force, punching Peter in the face and knocking out a few teeth.

"WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU, JACKASS!" shouted Zack.

"You got some nerve, you damn ingrate!" said Peter, "After we took you in and let you become part of our family. Hell, if it wasn't for me kicking Meg out of the car, you two wouldn't have even met!"

"Wait, I remember!" said Meg as she got back up, "You were such a sweet guy when we first met. You offered me a ride home and you became my date for the homecoming dance."

"And you were my first," said Zack, "...Technically."

"And then Maddie was born," said Meg as she picked up her baby, "Could you imagine what could've happened if I wasn't kicked out of the car?"

Those last words from Meg made Stewie think for a moment. "_If I wasn't kicked out of the car?"_

"THAT'S IT!" shouted Stewie in triumph, "In order to defeat Maddie, I'll need to go back to the beginning! Where it all started. I need... a time machine!"

The next day, Stewie is putting something on his wrist when Maddie shows up.

"At last, the time has come!" said Stewie.

"What is that?" asked Maddie.

"Why the key to defeating you once and for all!" said Stewie, "A time watch! It's based on the designs that your future self had"

"A time watch?" asked Maddie, "Did you steal that from Tilly?"

"No," said Stewie.

Meanwhile in Jillian's apartment, Tilly is putting a watch on CJ's wrist.

"What is this watch for?" asked CJ.

"I'm going to send you back in time as part of an experiment," said Tilly, "Now here we go."

Tilly turns on the watch and... Nothing happens.

"Does it work?" asked Tilly.

"Well I can travel forward," said CJ, "See? It's a little slow, though... 3:01, 3:02, 3:03, 3:04... My God, it's not stopping! We keep moving forward every second! WE'RE DOOMED! DOOMED I SAY!! DOOOOOOOOOMED!"

"Shut up," said Tilly.

Back at the Griffin home...

"Look, I'm sorry about the fight okay?" asked Maddie, "Just let it go."

"Never!" said Stewie, "Your uppance will come swiftly. Mark my words! No one, makes a fool out of Stewart Gilligan Griffin. NOBODY, DAMMIT!"

"Whatever," said Maddie, "You can't stay mad forever. Just come back safely from your trip."

_"Don't worry... I'll be coming back safely..."_ thought Stewie, _"But someone else won't be coming back at all... It'll be you!"_

Stewie then turns on the watch and disappears from the room in a flash. Suddenly everything goes dark. Stewie then awakens in his booster seat and notices that everyone is there... except for Zack and Maddie.

"Success!" said Stewie, "This is about the time where the fatman decides to play a game with Meg!"

"Hey, I've got a game we can play," said Peter, "Whenever we see a buggie on the road, we hit Meg!"

"What?!" shouts Meg, "Don't I get a say in this."

"No," Peter simply says.

"Punch buggy green," says Chris after seeing a green buggie and hitting Meg.

"OW!"

"Punch buggy blue!" shouts Stewie and he hits Meg."

"OWWW!"

"Punch buggy yellow!" shouts Peter as he punches Meg on the head... HARD.

"OOOOOOOWWWW!! STOP IT!!"

"HAHAHA!! Listen to her whine!" said Peter as he was amused with his sick game.

"Peter, this isn't funny!" said Lois.

"Sure it is!" said Peter, "Just like the time I pushed Meg in front of a speeding bus."

"Excellent," said Stewie, "It's almost time."

"You told me Meg was at a friend's house," said Lois.

"Well you should have known that was a lie when I said 'Meg' and 'friend' in the same sentence without saying 'she doesn't have any'," said Peter.

Meg sees a red buggie and decides that now was her chance.

"Punch bu-," she says before Stewie hits Meg with a bat knocking her out.

"Did you say something, Meg?" asked Peter as he turned around, "Ah, nevermind. You're asleep."

"Excellent!" said Stewie as he pressed on his timewatch and returned to the future.

He found himself in darkness again. As he awoke, he was surrounded by bars.

"OH NO! PRISON!!" shouted Stewie, "Don't hurt me! I like sitting down!"

Stewie then examined his surroundings more closely. He wasn't in prison at all. He was in Maddie's crib... which was HIS crib before she was born. He noticed that none of Maddie's stuff was there at all. And that horrid bed he was confined to was no longer in the room.

"Rupert, look!" said Stewie, "It's my room! MY room! It's just like old times! I'm alone at last!"

Suddenly some cheery upbeat music began to play.

_No more sharing my toys!_

_No more posters of boys(well maybe a few)_

_Because I'm alone at last!_

_No more girls in my room!_

_Or a big fat little buffoon!_

_Because I'm alone at last!_

_Maddie, you made a big mistake when you punched me a face._

_I vowed that I'd make you pay!_

_Now who's laughing now? Oh wait, you're not even here!_

_Now I'm just so happy and gaaaay(And you can't make fun of that!)_

_No more sleeping in a bed._

_I can finally try to make Lois dead._

_Because IIIII'm aaaaaloooooone aaaaaaat laaaaaaaaaaast!_

_I'm alone at last!_

And his big musical number ends there. The next morning at the breakfast table, Meg comes downstairs depressed.

"God, I feel so alone," said Meg, "I'm still embarrassed about going to the Homecoming Dance with Neil... bleh!"

"Meg, sweety just give it time," said Lois, "I'm sure the right man will find you someday."

"Yeah," said Peter, "And then he'll try to find his way AWAY from you all while going BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! BLEH!"

Meg then began to sob loudly.

"PETER!" shouted Lois angrily.

"Hang on a second. I'm not done," said Peter, "BLEH! BLEH! BLEH! And then BAM! He runs into a truck while running away!"

"Yes, you know Meg, have you ever considered wearing a paper bag?" asked Stewie, "Because, um, well it'll make you 50 percent more attractive. I only said 50 because you'd still have the body of an overweight cow!"

Meg then runs upstairs crying.

"Oh it feels great to do that again without that girl and long haired man getting mad at me," said Stewie, "I feel more like a bigger man than Light Yagami does when he writes a Death Note."

**Cutaway**

Light walks up to Vegeta from Dragonball Z.

"What the hell do you want, little man?" asked Vegeta.

"I'm here to kill you!" said Light.

"And just how are you going to do that?" asked Vegeta.

"With my notebook!" said Light.

"...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Vegeta, "Oh no, a notebook! Not papercuts! Oh, I'm sooooo scared!"

"Shut up!" said Light, "When I write down your name in this book, you'll die! Then we'll see who's the fool. Now is Vegeta spelled kinda like vagina?"

Before Light could even write Vegeta's name, he blasts him away with a fierce Final Flash.

"Hey, Yagami spelled backwards is I'm a gay!" laughed Vegeta.

"At least my name doesn't sound like vagina, like yours!" said Light.

Vegeta then walks slowly towards him.

"Uh oh..." said Light as he scrambled to hide in a nearby bush.

**(A/N: Sorry Death Note fans, but this was just too funny to pass up.)**

**End Cutaway**

Meanwhile in Stewie's room, Stewie was preparing a ray gun for killing Lois like he always does.

"Alright Rupert, I just need to make a few more adjustments," said Stewie, "Maddie, hand me the batteries."

Stewie turns and remembers that Maddie isn't around anymore.

"Silly me," said Stewie, "I keep forgetting that the silly girl doesn't exist anymore. Isn't that funny, Maddie? Damn! I'm doing it again."

Afterwards, he scurries downstairs to the kitchen where Lois is and points his gun at her.

"Sorry, Stewie," said Lois, "Mommy can't play, right now."

"So it's play you want, is it?" asked Stewie, "About a game of SIX FEET UNDER, YOU RETCHED BITCH?"

"That's it mister!" said Lois as she snatched the gun away and carried Stewie off, "You need a time out."

"Unhand me, woman!" shouted Stewie, "You! Fatman, do something!"

"That's nice, Meg..." said Peter.

Lois then places Stewie into his room and shuts the door.

"I don't believe it," said Stewie, "The bloody tart gave me a time out! ME! What do you think of this, Maddie? Oh wait, that's right..."

Stewie then hears soft cries coming from Meg's room. He sneaks out of his room and sees Meg writing in her diary.

"Dear Diary," said Meg, "I'm still fat, ugly, and unpopular. Nobody appreciates me at all, not even my own family. Maybe if I got pregnant... but I'd have to find someone who won't throw up at me when I'm still in my clothes. God, I wish I was dead..."

"Oh god, that thing's crying again," said Stewie, "She never cried this much when Zack was around... And Maddie. Look at her. I sort of see the resemblance. She has her nose... and face... No, Stewie! You don't miss her at all!" said Stewie, "I don't need Maddie at all! Not one bit!"

One week later... Brian walks into Stewie's room where the lights are all dim.

"Stewie?" asked Brian as he looked around for a light.

"Brian..." said Stewie.

"Stewie?" asked Brian as he saw Stewie curled up in the corner with a blanket and something in his hand.

"Look Brian! I did it!" said Stewie in delusion, "It's Maddie! I brought her back!"

Stewie had on a sock puppet that had yellow string hair and a crudely drawn face of Maddie.

"You'll never leave me again, will you?" asked Stewie.

"No way," said Stewie in an effeminate voice, "I love you Stewie. You're so awesome. You're better than me at everything including the guitar."

"Wait, who the hell is Maddie?" asked Brian.

"She's Meg's daughter, said Stewie.

"Meg? Daughter?" asked Brian, "You need a male to do that and in Meg's case it does not compute."

"SHE'S REAL I TELL YOU!" shouted Stewie, "I went back through time and caused Meg never to meet Zack. Oh I'm such a fool!"

"If you want her back so badly, why don't you go back through time like you said you did?" asked Brian.

"Because the time watch I used doesn't exist anymore," said Stewie.

"Time watch?" asked Brian.

"It was invented by Tilly," said Stewie.

"Who?" asked Brian.

"Tilly! Jillian's intelligent daughter," said Stewie.

"There are two things wrong with that sentence," said Brian, "First of all you put Jillian and intelligent in the same sentence. Secondly, Jillian doesn't have any kids. We broke up."

"No, she had Chris' kids!" said Stewie, "Her brother was married to Meg, but when I caused them not to meet, Maddie was erased from existence. And because Zack doesn't live with us, Jillian must've broken all ties with us after you broke up thus meaning that CJ and Tilly were never born. and because CJ and Tilly don't exist, neither does the time watch. Did you get that?"

"Can I tell you something?" asked Brian.

"What is it?" asked Stewie.

"STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY POT!" shouted Brian.

"But it's true I tell you!" said Stewie.

"If it's true, then why don't you have Meg meet this Zack person?" asked Brian.

"Brian, you're a genius!" said Stewie, "Oh I could kiss you! ...Please let me kiss you."

"No," said Brian.

A little later, Meg is about to take Stewie to the Quahog Mini Mart.

"Mom wants me to buy you diapers," said Meg.

"From HERE?" asked Stewie, "But we need to get them from the 7-11 in East Quahog!"

"Stewie, this place is closer," said Meg, "Besides, I ALWAYS go to the Mini Mart. Now let's go."

Before she could get out of the car, Stewie fires his ray gun at the mart and blows it up.

"Wow... look at that," said Stewie.

"Weird... I guess we're going to 7-11 after all," said Meg, "I hope Carl's okay."

"I'm sure he's fine," said Stewie as they drove off.

Carl's hat then slowly floats down to the ground in front of the burning building. They arrive at the East Quahog 7-11. In the front counter stands Zack who looks bored out of his skull.

"Wow..." said Meg in admiration, "Look at that long blonde hair and goatee. He's kinda cute..."

"Well what are you waiting for?" asked Stewie, "Go out there and shake that grotesque money maker he's so attracted to."

"Hi there," said Meg as she leaned on the counter, "I couldn't help but notice how cute you are."

"Mmhmm," said Zack as he continued to read his magazine.

"So... You like throwing up?" asked Meg.

"Listen, kid," said Zack, "If you're trying to turn me on, don't. I'm married and I have a son."

"Married?" asked Meg, "With a son?"

"CODY, GET IN HERE!" shouted Zack.

Zack's estranged goth son, Cody then enters the room from the back. Zack puts him on the counter.

"Cody?!" asked Stewie.

"What is it, dad?" asked Cody.

"I knew it!" said Meg, "I knew it was too good to be true. Let's go, Stewie."

Just as Meg is about to leave, she runs into Neil Goldman.

"Well, hello Meg," said Neil, "It seems that fate has conspired in our favor."

"Leave me alone, Neil!" said Meg as she tried to leave, but Neil blocked the exit.

"Sorry, Meg," said Neil, "But the toll to exit is one date."

"I don't have to go out with you, you creep!" said Meg.

"You do if you wanna leave," said Neil, "And the Star Trek convention is only 6 months away so I've got PLENTY of time."

"This isn't funny!" said Meg.

"Dude, just let the girl pass," said Zack.

"This does not concern you, clerk," said Neil, "So will I pick you up at 7 or would you like to stay here all night?"

"No! Now let me out!" said Meg.

"Look, the girl said no!" said Zack, "Now let her out or I'll kick your ass!"

"Oh please," laughed Neil, "I've watched all of Captain Kirk's fight scenes. I don't think you could handle me."

"Yeah, well I've got THIS!" said Zack as he pulled out his shotgun.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!" screamed Neil like a girl as he ran out the door.

"Wow... thanks," said Meg.

"No problem," said Zack, "Is he someone you know?"

"He always stalks me," said Meg, "Sadly, he's the only guy who likes me."

"Don't see why not," said Zack, "I mean, you look nice enough."

"Really?" asked Meg, "Do you think I'm fat?"

"Fat? You?!" asked Zack, "Are you kidding me? Who the hell would want to go out with some skeleton wrapped in plastic?"

"Men..." said Meg.

"...Listen, would you, um, you know, like to have some coffee with me?" asked Zack.

"Really?" asked Meg, "But aren't you married?"

"Yeah, but I hate Nikki!" said Zack, "She treats me like crap and I'm only with her for my son..."

"So, I guess I'll see you after work," said Meg.

"Splendid! It's working!" said Stewie, "Now I just have to get Chris and Jillian to conceive, which shouldn't be too hard. It'll be easier than shortening a Uwe Boll movie to only show the good parts.

**Cutaway**

**...**

**End Cutaway**

**(A/N: That's right. Not even the opening or ending credits are good.)**

A few weeks later at the Griffin house, Meg walks into the living room where everybody else is watching TV.

"Everybody, I have great news!" said Meg.

"You mean you're not my daughter?" asked Peter, "Oh my gosh! I have always dreamed this day would come!"

"No..." said Meg, "I have a boyfriend!"

"Meg! You go upstairs and untie him right now!" said Lois.

"I didn't kidnap him!" said Meg, "And it was one time! Get off it!"

"Wow, congratulations, Meg," said Peter, "So where's he from? TV? A cereal box? Your imagination like all your past boyfriends?"

"He's not imaginary, fatass!" said Meg, "He's real and I'm gonna invite him over tomorrow to meet everyone. He's so nice and cute."

"Hey, look what's on the news," said Brian.

**Cutaway to TV**

"...But when he got there his Princess was in another castle," said Diane.

"Wow, you'd think he'd go insane by now," said Tom, "In our top story tonight, 20 year old local Quahogian Zack Murdock was found murdered by his wife."

"That's right Tom," said Diane, "His wife found out he was having an affair with a young girl. She got so angry that she shot him multiple times. Their son Cody is in protective custody."

"We now go to Ollie with his thoughts," said Tom, "Ollie?"

"BITCH SHOT HIM UP!!" shouted Ollie.

"Thank you, Ollie," said Tom

**End Cutaway.**

"WHAT?!" shouted Meg, "He's dead??"

"Wait, he was your boyfriend?" asked Lois, "He was 20 years old!"

"But I loved him!" said Meg, "And he loved me!"

"Wow, his wife must've been uglier than you if you caught his attention," said Peter.

"It's not fair!" sobbed Meg, "Every time something goes my way, something bad happens! I'll never be happy again!"

Meg then runs upstairs crying to her room leaving the family in the living room.

"Well so much for that Zack guy," said Brian, "So now what?"

"I don't know..." said Stewie, "Maybe if I salvage some of Zack's DNA, I could artificially inseminate Meg... It'll be nasty and I'll probably throw up alot but I'll have Maddie back... provided that she doesn't do something drastic."

Suddenly a loud gunshot is heard from upstairs. Stewie just looks up with wide horrified eyes. Lois then rushes upstairs in horror.

"OH MY GOD!!" screamed Lois, "MEG'S DEAD!!"

"Celebrate good times, c'mon!" sang Peter.

"What was that?!" asked Lois.

"I'm very sad," Peter quickly said.

"Would that count as drastic?" asked Brian.

The next day after Meg's funeral, Stewie is upstairs in his room crying his eyes out.

"What have I done?" he cried, "Maddie, I didn't want this to happen. Well, actually I did, but then a series of events have made me see how miserable I am without you and I've changed my mind at the last second and screwed everything up! Oh, Maddie! Wherever you are I'M SORRY!!"

"Stewie, will you get off it?" asked Brian, "All because of your damn delusions of Meg having a nonexistent daughter, she's dead!"

"But she's real!" shouted Stewie.

"If she's real, than you're straight," said Brian.

"What?" asked Stewie.

"What?" asked Brian quickly.

"No, she did exist!" said Stewie, "But now that Meg's dead, Maddie will never be born and it's all my fault..."

"...Listen Stewie, have you heard of the parallel universe theory?" asked Brian.

"Yes, what about it? asked Stewie.

"Well according to the theory whenever a major event happens, the alternate outcome becomes a parallel universe," said Brian, "So maybe a universe exists where you DIDN'T go back in time like you said."

"Then... Maddie must still exist somewhere!" said Stewie in excitement, "And I think I know how to talk to her!"

"And that is...?" asked Brian.

"With this!" said Stewie as he revealed a large ring thing, "I call this a Sundoor!"

"Sundoor?" asked Brian, "Don't you mean a Starga-"

"Be quiet!" said Stewie as he covered his mouth, "Do you want us to get trampled by nerds?"

"Did somebody say Stargate?" asked Neil from the window.

"Oh my God! A real live Stargate!" said Steve Smith in excitement.

"No I said Sundoor," said Stewie.

"Oh... It's just a stupid Sundoor..." said Steve in disappointment as he, Neil, and a bunch of other nerds walked away.

"That was close," said Stewie as he wrote a note, "Dear Maddie, I need your help. Use the dimensional portal to get here. Please come right away. P.S. Meg and Zack are sorta dead and it's kinda my fault and you don't exist anymore so... um... Take your time..."

He then throws the note into the Stargate.

"Oh my gosh! He said Stargate!" said Neil.

Er, I mean Sundoor.

"No, he said Sundoor, stupid!" said Steve.

Stewie throws the note into the SUNDOOR where it disappears into an entirely different dimension.

"Okay, so now what?" asked Brian.

"She should be coming right about..." said Stewie.

In a bright flash, a portal appears in the room and out jumps future Maddie. The first thing she does is tackles Stewie and strangles him.

"ERASE ME FROM EXISTENCE, WILL YOU?!" she shouted, "I OUGHTA TAKE MY MOTHERF(bleep)ING AK-47, SHOVE IT UP YOUR (Bleep)HOLE, PULL THE TRIGGER AND BLOW YOUR F(bleep)KING INNARDS OUT AND (bleep)(bleep)(bleep) AND (bleep) WITH (bleep)(bleep)(Bleep)(bleep) THAT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN WILL FEEL IT!... Oh, and (bleep)!"

"Wait a minute?" asked Brian, "THIS is Maddie? Meg's daughter is this woman? Right here? MEG'S?"

"Yes," said Stewie.

"...Son of a bitch!" said Brian.

"Why?!" asked Maddie, "Why did you do it?"

"Well, it was because of a nightmare I had," said Stewie, "I dreamt that I ruled the world and you killed me. Then we got into a fight and then this happened."

"So let me get this straight," said Maddie, "You went back through time, ruined my parents' lives, erased me, Tilly, and CJ from existence, all because of a dream you had."

"Correct," said Stewie.

"You're a F(bleep)ktard, you know that?" asked Maddie.

"STEWIE!!" shouts out an angry voice.

Suddenly, the roof in Stewie's room is destroyed and a large robot stands over them. The robot slams down it's fist, but Stewie, Maddie and Brian jump out of the way.

"Great, now what?" asked Maddie as she pulled out her assault riffle.

"I demand that you show yourself!" said Stewie.

Upon looking at the cockpit they see that the robot is manned by two people: Bertram and... Cody?!

"Bertram?" asked Stewie.

"Cody?" asked Maddie.

"That's right, Stewie!" said Cody, "You ruined my life and destroyed my family!"

"Yes, and now I'm going to help him destroy YOU!" said Bertram.

"Manipulating a young boy in his darkest hour?" asked Stewie, "That's low! Even for you, Bertram!"

"Oh please..." said Bertram, "You were about to do the same thing!"

"Would not!" said Stewie as he threw away a mind control helmet.

"Now let's squash some bugs, Cody," said Bertram.

"With pleasure!" said Cody.

Maddie fires her rifle at the robot, but the bullets ricochet off it.

"Silly bitch!" said Cody, "You can't harm me! Are you a f(bleep)king ass? Do you not know who I am? You must not know who I am. I'M THE-"

"STOP QUOTING THE INTERNET AND HIT ME ALREADY!!" shouted Maddie.

With that, she got smacked away by the large metal hand. The other hand then grabbed Stewie in a tightening grip.

"There, you've got him!" said Bertram, "Now finish him off!"

"I...I don't know," said Cody.

"What do you mean you don't know?" asked Bertram, "Don't you remember what he did to you?"

"I don't know if I can kill him," said Cody, "His sister brought joy and happiness to him that my mother couldn't. Would he really want me to do something so cold hearted?"

"Cody..." moaned Zack's ghost as he appeared beside his son, "...Kill that son of a bitch!!"

"Works for me," said Cody, "Let's pop him like a cheap balloon!"

The hand then began to crush Stewie's body.

"CAN'T. MOVE. OR. BREATHE. OR. STOP. TALKING. LIKE. WILLIAM. SHATNER." groaned Stewie.

"Hey, turkeys!" said Maddie as she was holding a rocket launcher, "Suck my missiles!"

She then fires a bunch of missiles that lock in on the giant robot, surely dooming the two pilots.

"Man, this is gonna suck," said Cody.

"Big time," said Bertram.

The missile then blows up the robot, except for the arm that was holding Stewie for some reason which drops him relatively unharmed.

"Are they dead?" asked Stewie.

"No, they'll be back," said Maddie, "Usually the villains always launch themselves with an ejector seat at the last..."

At that moment, the cockpit of the robot drops in the room. Inside are the smoldering skeletons of Cody and Bertram. Stewie and Maddie look at the bones and then at each other.

"You know what? Never mind," said Maddie, "Here, take this time watch."

"But how will you get home?" asked Stewie.

"I'll just use your dimensional portal to get back to my universe," said Maddie, "Hopefully, Tilly has another one there for me."

"Well, um, listen," said Stewie, "I just want to say that... well... your assistance was appreciated."

"You're welcome," said Maddie, "Oh, and one more thing."

"Yes?" asked Stewie.

"DON'T YOU EVER SCREW UP THE TIMELINE AGAIN!" she shouted as she grabbed him by the collar.

Then in a bright flash, Stewie wakes up screaming with Maddie looking over. She was a baby again.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" he screamed.

"Stewie! Stewie! It's okay!" said Maddie, "It was just a dream! What was it about anyway?"

Stewie just looks at Maddie for a few seconds. He then hugs her tightly and begins to cry loudly.

"I did it!" cried Stewie, "I'm back! You're back!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Maddie.

"It was horrible!" said Stewie, "We got into a fight and I went back through time and erased you from existence. Then your parents died and Cody and Bertram tried to kill me. Oh I was so sad and miserable without you!"

"Wow, I thought you said you hated everyone," said Maddie.

"I do!" said Stewie as he quickly stopped hugging her, "It's just... well, I apparently strongly tolerate you and that it has nothing to do with love."

Maddie then kisses Stewie in the cheek.

"I love you too, Uncle Stewie," said Maddie as she hugged him.

Well, the timeline has been restored and everything is back to normal. Perhaps Stewie has learned a lesson in all of this: You don't know what you have until it's gone. Perhaps he will change his ways... Nah! Who the hell am I trying to kid. Meanwhile at the Drunken Clam, Lobster and Ernie the giant chicken are having a beer.

"You know, Ernie? I just noticed something," said Lobster.

"What is it?" asked Ernie.

"I noticed that we haven't appeared in the story in like forever," said Lobster,.

"You're right, Lobster," said Ernie, "Do you think anyone even remembers us?"

"Well I think we should go and make a name for ourselves," said Lobster, "We should have our own adventure!"

"I dunno," said Ernie, "Isn't that kind of talk dangerous?"

"Don't be silly," said Lobster, "What do you think, giant flamethrowing cockroach?"

"Good. Good," said the flamethrowing cockroach.

"See? He agrees with me!" said Lobster.

"Alright, let's do it," said Ernie.

"Great, now let's go!" said Lobster, "In the search! FOR ADVEN-"

**End Chapter**

"Aww dammit..." said Lobster, "The chapter's over."

"Good. Good," said the cockroach.

"Where did you get this guy, anyway?" asked Ernie.

"I found him burning down a KFC downtown," said Lobster.

"...I hate that place," said Ernie.

"Good. Good," said the roach.


	22. A New Look & Some BB's

**Chapter 22: A New Look & Some BB's**

**(A/N: Sorry for the lateness of this chapter. I had a bit of writer's block and as such, this chapter came out kinda weak. Well, I hope you guys like it anyway.)**

The entire family was at the toy store, looking to buy Maddie a new toy.

"Dad, I'm confused," said Chris.

"Yeah, dad," said Meg, "Why are you buying Maddie, my daughter, a new toy?"

"What? I just want to buy my granddaughter a toy," said Peter, "There's nothing to be suspicious about."

"Peter, you almost never do anything nice for someone unless they does something for you," said Zack, "What did she do?"

**Flashback**

Peter runs upstairs into Maddie's room looking kind of panicky.

"Hey, Maddie, how would you like to do granddaddy a huge favor?" asked Peter.

"No thanks," said Maddie.

"Look, I'll give you whatever you want," begged Peter, "Just do me this favor!"

"Anything?" asked Maddie.

"Sure, just do this for me. No questions asked, said Peter.

"Deal," said Maddie.

"WHO THE HELL WROTE 'LOIS IS A NAGGING SLUT' OVER AND OVER ON THE WALLS IN PERMANENT MARKER?!" shouted Lois.

"Found the culprit!" shouted Peter as he carried Maddie downstairs.

**End Flashback**

"Nothing," lied Peter.

"Well I don't think we should be rewarding her for her behavior," said Lois.

"You know what I think you should do?" asked Peter, "Remove your carpet."

"What?" asked Lois.

"What?" asked Peter.

"Look mom!" said Chris as he ran to a slide, "It's a slide! HAHAHAHAHA!!"

"Chris, that says for ages 5," said Lois.

"Ages 5... and up!" said Chris.

"But Chris aren't you too big..." said Brian.

"AND UP!!" shouted Chris as he tried to slide down, but broke it in half and fell over.

A little later at a different part of the store, Lois and Peter were showing Stewie something.

"Hey, Stewie, check it out," said Peter, "It's a ball pit."

"Don't you want to play in a bunch of colored balls?" asked Lois.

"Play in colored balls?" asked Stewie, "What do I look like? A white girl who wants to piss off daddy?"

"Go on, you little scamp," said Peter as he tossed Stewie into the ball pit."

"AAHH!" he screamed as he fell into the bottom of the seemingly endless pit, "I say, it's like trying to find your way out of a sci fi convention after shouting out 'Klingon is not a real language, now go outside and get a life, fanboys!'," He then runs into a grown man in his 40's, "Excuse me, good man. How do you get out?"

"Good question," said the man, "I've been here since I was 9."

"Well this is going to require some creative thinking," said Stewie, "Something ingenious that will allow me both survival and freedom... Something simple, yet complex... I've got it! WAH! WAH! I'M LOST AND I WANT MY MOMMY AND DADDY!! OH WAH!!"

"Oh, Stewie!" said Lois as she pulled him out, "It's okay. Mommy's here for you."

"Faker," said Brian.

"Who's tucked under Lois' breasts?" asked Stewie, "Not you."

"Piss off!" said Brian.

"I will," said Stewie, "...Tucked in between Lois' boobs."

"SHUT UP!" shouted Brian.

Meanwhile, Meg is showing Maddie a few toys.

"Look, Maddie," said Meg, "Wouldn't you like a new dollhouse?"

"Yeah whatever. Okay, I found what I want," said Maddie as she held up a BB gun.

"A GUN?!" asked Meg, "You can't be serious!"

"Your mother's right," said Zack, "You're only a year old. Let me look at the box first. Hmm... It says here that it's a very realistic looking gun and comes with a box of hard pellets for you to shoot at your friends... They're not bullets so yeah, we can get it for you."

A little later, everyone is in the checkout line with Maddie's new toy.

"Hey, isn't that Jackie Chan?" asked Peter.

"Look everyone!" said Jackie pointing to Meg, "It Malcolm in Middle!"

"I told you, I'm a girl!" shouted Meg.

"No you're not!" said Jackie.

"Hey, didn't you star in a crappy Disney movie?" asked Zack, "You know which one. The one that was crappy and it was from Disney?"

Jackie Chan then runs out of the store crying.

"Yeah, I can be an asshole too," said Zack.

"Mommy, mommy, look!" said a little boy, "A gorilla!"

"Don't be mean, Jimmy," said the mother, "That isn't a gorilla. That's just a very fat and ugly girl."

"Hey, kid, you wanna know a secret?" asked Zack, "That dog that ran away and joined a farm? He's really dead and buried in your backyard. Why don't you go check. Also, the Easter Bunny isn't real, you always get socks for Christmas because Santa Clause hates you, and your dad isn't your real dad because your mom was a slut."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" cried the boy as he ran out of the store.

"He did not need to hear that!" said the mother angrily, "Not until he was 16!"

"Zack! That was uncalled for!" said Lois.

"Hey, that kid was asking for it!" said Zack, "I swear, I'm going to hurt the next person that says something bad about Meg."

"Hey, dude, do you, like, got change for a dollar?" asked a surfer type teen before Zack punched him.

"ZACK!!" said Meg.

"What?" asked Zack, "He said dude."

Later that night at the Griffin house, Meg and Zack are relaxing in bed. Meg then asks Zack a question.

"Zack, do you think I'm ugly?" asked Meg.

"Meg, if this was about that paperbag thing last night, I'm sorry!" said Zack, "I just had too much to drink and all I could see was your dad."

"Was it a resemblance thing?" asked Meg, "Were you grossed out?"

"No, it was for your safety," said Zack, "Every time I see his face, I want to break his jaw with a lead pipe."

"Would you like me better if I looked like my mom or Connie?" asked Meg.

"First of all you ALREADY look like your mom," said Zack, "Second, I would punch a kitten if that happens. Why are you asking me this, anyway?"

"I guess I'm just tired of being mistaken for a boy," said Meg, "Zack, I'm tired of being ugly!"

"You're NOT ugly!" said Zack, "To me, you are the most beautiful girl on Earth."

"But my hair's too short, my breasts are too small, I wear glasses, and I'm short and fat," said Meg, "How do you find that beautiful?"

"Well could an ugly girl give birth to the 2008 Little Miss Quahog?" asked Zack.

"Considering she won by default, yes," said Meg, "But still, you're so sweet to me. I don't deserve you."

"Don't say that," said Zack as he cuddled up with Meg, "You deserve me just as much as an athlete getting what they deserve after taking too many steroids."

**Flashback**

At a nightclub, a young attractive woman walks up to a ridiculously muscular man.

"Hey there, hunk," she said, "Nice muscles."

"Thanks," said the man, "I take steroids."

"Pass," said the girl, "I want a hot dog, not a twinkie."

**End Flashback**

The next morning, Lois and Peter are discussing about Maddie's new gun.

"Peter, how could you buy her a gun?" asked Lois.

"Well I just happened to think that she earned it," said Peter.

"Earned it?!" asked Lois, "She should've been punished for writing on the walls, not rewarded for it!"

"Oh, I get it," said Peter, "You're just a little jealous. Don't worry, I'll buy you a gun too."

"No! Peter, she's only a year old!" said Lois, "She shouldn't be having a gun in the first place."

"Lois, get with the times," said Peter, "Kids have guns all the time. Especially the black kids."

"Black kids?" asked Lois.

"Yeah you know, Joe Black, Jim Black, and Rachel Black. They live across the street," said Peter, "There they are right now."

Lois looks across the street and see the three Black kids waving at them. The kids are white, by the way.

"And besides, she's a little girl with the attention span of a squirrel," said Peter, "She'll probably get bored with it in no time."

Suddenly a pellet flies by and makes a big crack in the window.

"Brian did it!" shouted Maddie from the other room.

A little later in the living room, Brian is sitting down reading the newspaper and having a martini.

"John McCain? More like John McLAME!" chuckled Brian to himself, "Heh, it's funny because it boosts my ego and strengthens my Left Wing political views."

Suddenly, his martini glass breaks.

"WHAT THE-?!" shouted Brian.

Meanwhile outside, Chris is playing basketball.

"I'm just like Michael Jordan!" said Chris as he tossed the ball. It then pops in midair and falls to the ground, "Now I'm just like a white basketball player..."

Meanwhile inside, Meg is looking at her mirror.

"Maybe Zack's right," said Meg as she smiled, "Maybe I AM pretty."

Suddenly the mirror cracks and breaks.

"OH GOD, I'M SO UGLY!!" sobbed Meg.

Meanwhile in Stewie's room...

"At last, my glass castle is complete," said Stewie, "A castle made out of clear glass that has taken me months to create, Rupert. I would be so crushed if it were to shatter right now. Let's celebrate by having a nice glass of lemonade while I stand here and leave my glass castle in the open."

Suddenly, Stewie's glass.. of lemonade shatters.

"NOOOOOOOO!! I was so thirsty!" sobbed Stewie, "So very, very thirsty!"

In the kitchen, Lois is doing the dishes when some of the plates begin to shatter.

"What in the world?" she asked before she was hit in the nose by a BB pellet, "OW! Maddie, get in here!"

"What?" asked Maddie as she hid her gun behind her back.

"Have you been going around shooting things?" asked Lois.

"Ididn'tdoit, Ididn'tmeantodoit, itwasanaccident, theytoldmeto, theyweredoingittoo, youdidn'tsaywecouldn't, youcan'tprovethatIdid, whyareyoupickingonme, isitbecauseI'mMeg'skid, I'llbetyouwouldn'tdothisisIwasChrisorStewie'skid, myparentswillsuethehelloutofyou!" said Maddie as she began catching her breath.

"Look, if you did, just don't do it again," said Lois. As she turned around, Maddie shoots her in the butt, "OW!! That's it! Give me the gun!"

"I didn't do it!" said Maddie.

"I'm pretty sure you did!" said Lois as Maddie shot her in the leg, "OW!! GIVE ME THE DAMN GUN!!"

"Okay, I did hit you last time, but this time it really wasn't me," said Maddie.

"I just saw you do it!" said Lois, "PETER!!"

"What is it, Lois?" asked Peter.

"Maddie is starting to become reckless!" said Lois.

"No she's not! She's just expressing herself," said Peter as Maddie shot off his glasses, "See?" asked Peter as Maddie shot him in the crotch, "See how expressive she is? Isn't she precious?" asked Peter in a high pitched voice.

Maddie then hits Peter in the back of his knee with her gun and knocks him down. Meanwhile, Zack is trying to comfort Meg in her room again.

"You still feeling bad about yourself?" asked Meg.

"How could you love someone like me?" she sobbed.

"I think you need some cheering up," said Zack, "Why don't you get Maddie ready. I'm taking you to the roller rink."

"You're going to show a cow on wheels in public?!" asked Meg, "What are you? A freak show promoter?"

Later in the car, Zack's driving, Meg's in the passenger seat, and Maddie is in the back seat bored.

"Meg, you should really cheer up about this," said Zack.

"But they're right! I'm fat and ugly. OW!" said Meg as she felt a BB hit the back of her head, "Maddie, knock it off!"

"It wasn't me!" said Maddie, "...Plato did it!"

"Don't give me that imaginary friend crap!" said Zack, "'Plato' didn't do it."

"Yes he did!" said Maddie, "He also tells me to burn things!"

"So it was YOU that set fire to my dresser!" said Meg.

"No, that was grandpa," said Maddie, "I set fire to Mr. Swanson's truck, er, I mean Plato did it."

Maddie then shoots Zack in the arm.

"OUCH! Maddie, stop it!" said Zack.

"Give me the gun!" said Meg.

"No, it's MINE!" said Maddie.

"I said give me the gun!" said Meg again, "I'm not in the mood!"

"Do what your mother says!" said Zack.

"IT'S _MY_ GUN!!" shouted Maddie.

"GIVE ME THE FREAKING GUN!!" screamed Meg.

"NO!!" screamed Maddie as she began to shoot at the window repeatedly.

"Dammit I can't see!" shouted Zack.

Meg looks out the window to see a huge truck coming their way.

"ZACK, LOOK OUT!!" shouted Meg.

"OH SNAP!!" shouted Zack as he turned from out of the road and ran into a tree, "So... is everyone alright."

"Not all of us..." said Maddie as she pointed to an unconscious, injured, and bloody Meg.

"CRAP! Why didn't the airbag save her?" asked Zack. The airbag then inflates on Meg.

Much later at the hospital, the family is waiting to hear the condition of Meg.

"This is all my fault!" said Maddie, "If she's dead, I'll never forgive myself. Never! On the other hand, if she's okay she'll ground me until I'm 60. Quite the quandary..."

Dr. Hartman then walks into the room.

"Doctor, give it to me straight!" said Zack, "Is she alright?"

"I don't know how to tell you this without breaking your heart," said Hartman, "So I'm just gonna be blunt. She's dead."

"NO! My baby!" sobbed Lois.

"Hello? I'm right here!" said Stewie, "We're referring to Meg."

"Dad, I'm crying!" sobbed Chris.

"Me too, son," sobbed Peter, "Oh Meg!! WHY?!"

"I too would be crying..." said Hartman, "If today wasn't Opposite Day! HAHA, gotcha! No she's okay."

"Dammit, don't do that! Everyone was crying!" said Zack.

"No we weren't," lied Peter.

"Yes you were, I saw you!" said Zack.

"No... those were tears of joy," lied Peter.

"Whatever," said Zack, "Is she okay?"

"Not good, I'm afraid," said Hartman, "Her face was mangled up in the crash. We tried to fix it, but medical science has only come so far."

Hartman then leads the family into Meg's hospital room where we see Meg's head wrapped in bandages.

"Now I will unwrap the bandages slowly..." said Hartman.

He then slowly unwraps the bandages. The family goes tense and he keeps unwrapping and unwrapping. He then removes the final bandage and the family looks in horror to see that Meg's face was now deformed to look like an old person's.

"OH MY GOD!!" shouted Zack.

"Meg, what happened to you?" asked Lois.

"Whoops! Wrong patient!" said Hartman, "This isn't Meg. This is Mrs. Crumplestien. Here's Meg."

He then goes over to the next bed where Meg's head is wrapped in bandages. The family goes tense and the doctor keeps unwrapping and unwrapping. He then removes the final bandage and the family looks in shock.

"...What?" asked Meg as she woke up.

"YOU IDIOT!!" shouted Zack, "I thought you said her face was deformed!"

"It was," said Hartman, "We had to remove those blemishes. There were these black circley things sticking from her face. Then there was this pink bald spot on her head."

"Those were her hat and glasses!" said Zack, "And what did you do to her hair?"

"We gave her blonde extensions," said Hartman, "Without them, she would've looked tacky."

"So you basically just gave me my makeover back?" asked Meg, "I'm... pretty?"

"Meg, I didn't care what anyone else thought," said Zack, "To me you were always-"

"Yes," said Peter.

"Yes," said Lois.

"Yes," said Brian.

"Yes," said Chris.

"Yes," said Stewie.

"Yes," said Maddie before Zack glared at her, "What? It's like looking in a funhouse mirror."

Later the family goes back home to their house. Meg is having a few words with Maddie.

"Maddie, because of you I was almost killed and now I look like this," said Meg, "I'm going to buy you ice cream!"

"WHAT?!" asked Lois, "You're not supposed to reward her! She should to be punished for her behavior!"

"You're one to talk," said Zack, "You practically pamper that little monster over there."

"Stewie is NOT a monster!" said Lois as she turned around, an axe flies inches from the back of her head.

"DAMN!" shouted Stewie.

"And besides, if you keep encouraging it, she'll grow up to be extremely violent," said Lois.

"Lois, she grows up to become a hot government agent who fights terrorists," said Peter, "Are you saying you don't want that? That you don't want her fighting terrorists? That you want the terrorists to win? Do you hate freedom, Lois?"

"Of course..." said Brian, "If someone disagrees just play the terrorist card and scare them into agreeing. It's how Bush got in office. I don't care if it makes me sound self righteous. If it does, so be it!"

"May I?" asked Maddie.

"Please," said Peter.

She then shoots Brian in the stomach with a BB. The next day, Meg is sitting down on her bed reading a book while Zack walks in to get his green shirt. He then finds a bunch of paper in his shirt pocket.

"What are these?" asked Zack.

"Sorry, I needed a place to put the phone numbers," said Meg.

"Phone numbers?" asked Zack.

"Yeah, the boys were all over me today," said Meg.

"WHAT?!" shouted Zack.

"What? I'm not gonna call them or anything," said Meg.

"No it's just that they wouldn't even give you a second look before you changed," said Zack, "But now that you're blonde and wear different clothes, their pants suddenly don't fit! It's disgusting!"

"Zack, I LIKE the new me!" said Meg.

"Well I liked the old you!" said Zack, "If I wanted a generic blonde... Are you wearing a microskirt?"

"Hmmm? Yeah, it was hot today," said Meg.

"Anyway, if I wanted a generic blonde, I'd go back to Nikki..." said Zack before Meg slowly crossed her legs, "Um... could you not do that?"

"Sorry, my legs were uncomfortable," said Meg.

"Um, well you're not the same girl I fell in love with," said Zack, "...Did you pierce your tongue?!"

"It goes with the new look," said Meg.

Zack then grabs Meg's book, throws it across the room, grabs her and kisses her wildly on the bed. Meanwhile downstairs...

"OH!" screamed Meg.

"Mom sounds like she's in trouble!" said Maddie, "This looks like a job for BB gun girl!"

She then takes her trusty BB gun and runs upstairs. Later in the kitchen, Brian finds Maddie in a corner holding the BB gun to her head repeatedly pulling the trigger.

"Maddie? Are you okay?" asked Brian.

"The bullets!" cried Maddie, "THEY DON'T WORK!"

The next day at James Woods High during lunch, Meg is sitting with her uncool friends despite being "hot".

"So how does it feel to be hot?" asked her blonde friend.

"Are you too sexy for your shirt?" asked the black one.

"So sexy it hurts?" asked the redheaded one.

"Meh," shrugged Meg.

"Hey, Meg, there you are," asked a teenage boy, "I bought you lunch."

"Wow, um, thanks," said Meg.

"Not so fast!" said another teenage boy and he shoved him away, "I bought you lunch. You can sit next to me!"

"I already brought my own lunch," said Meg.

"Oops, look at that," said the boy as he tossed her lunch away, "But hey, I still got this lunch I bought you."

"No, I want to bang her! I mean eat her out! I mean eat with her!" said the other teen.

"Listen, just back off!" said Meg.

"Yeah, you heard the lady," said a different teenage boy, "Why don't you give her some space before I kick your asses."

"Wow, thanks um..."

"Names Gary Johnson," said Gary.

Gary was a brown haired handsome young man who dressed nicely, like one of the cool kids.

"Thanks, Gary," said Meg, "Those guys were really getting to me."

"No sweat," said Gary, "Is it okay if I sit with you?"

"Sure," said Meg, "I'm Meg..."

"Say, do you wanna hang out sometime?" asked Gary.

"You mean hang out?" asked Meg, "With... friends?"

"Hey, what about us?" asked Meg's blonde friend.

"You can hang out, too," said Gary, "...Just not with us."

"Wow, I actually have a friend!" said Meg, "I can't wait to hear Zack's reaction."

Later at the Griffin home.

"NO! No got dang way!" said Zack.

"You can't tell me who I can and can't hang with!" said Meg, "You're not my father!"

"Thank God for that, becaise I LIKE sex with you," said Zack, "But I don't know about this guy. I mean he wasn't hanging out with you before you changed."

"Are you jealous?" asked Meg, "I can have male friends if I want! Gary is a great guy!"

"Yeah, that's what my mom said about a guy she met at Burning Man," said Zack, "One drugged drink later, BAM! She was pregnant with me!... Wait, bad example."

"Anyway, he invited me to a party tonight," said Meg.

"Okay, then let's RSVP," said Zack, "How does 'no' sound?"

"Why can't I go?" asked Meg.

"Because I don't trust this guy!" said Zack, "I have a bad feeling about him."

"But he's a nice guy!" said Meg, "He wants to hang out with me."

"You don't get it, do you?" asked Zack, "Man, you're being more gullible than Princess Peach."

**Flashback**

Meanwhile inside Peach's castle, Bowser knocks on her door.

"Open up, Princess!" said Bowser, "I'm here to kidnap you!"

"If you're Bowser, go away!" said Peach.

"No, I'm not Bowser," lied Bowser, "I'm... Dr. Wily and I'm here to kidnap you."

"Well, that's much different, then," said Peach as she opened the door.

**End Flashback**

Later, Zack comes downstairs into the kitchen looking a little miffed.

"What's the matter with you?" asked Lois.

"It's Meg," said Zack, "She got mad at me and ran off to Gary's party."

"You should be happy," said Peter, "She actually has friends now."

"That's the problem!" said Zack, "I don't think they even want to be her friend. Ever since she got that makeover she suddenly has fans."

"First you're mad at people for calling Meg ugly," said Lois, "Now that they find her attractive, you STILL get mad at them. You're a hypocrite, you know that. You better be listening to everything I say and not tuning me out."

In Zack's view...

"Blah, blah, blah, nagging slut, blah," said Lois.

_"My God, her nose is so big!" _thought Zack, _"I know Meg kinda looks like her, but Christ, you can probably put an area code on that thing. I mean, look at her. It's roughly a third of her face. From now on, I think her nickname will be Nostrils McBignose..."_

"Are you listening?" asked Lois.

"Of course, Nostrils, I mean Lois!" said Zack.

"Hey guys, you might want to come and see this," said Brian as he led the others into the living room, "Look at the news."

**Cutaway to TV**

"In local news, police are on the lookout for a nefarious criminal known as the serial blonde rapist," said Tom.

"According to sources, this man goes into High Schools posing as a student under the alias of Gary," said Diane, "He then invites pretty young blondes to his place under the ruse of a party or something similar where he rapes them."

"Well you have nothing to worry about, Diane," said Tom.

"I guess not," said Diane.

"Lucky he goes after the young pretty girls, huh?" asked Tom as Diane scowls at him.

**End Cutaway**

"Oh my God!" shouted Peter, "Tom Tucker has a mustache!"

"No, Meg could be in danger!" said Lois, "Zack, do you know where she said that party was?" she turned and saw that Zack was gone, "Zack?"

Meanwhile, Meg arrives in an abandoned warehouse.

"That's weird," said Meg, "Where are the other guests?"

"Oh, um, they'll be here," said Gary, "Has anyone ever told you that you look hot with that blonde hair?"

"This isn't a real party is it?" asked Meg.

"No, Meg," said Gary, "I brought you hear because I want us to have sex."

"Sorry Gary, but I'm married," said Meg holding up her ring finger.

"I wasn't asking," said Gary as he grabbed Meg's arm.

"Gary, you're scaring me!" said Meg, "Let me go!"

"Oh I'll let you go alright," said Gary as he pulled some rope and began tying Meg's hands and feet down, "Whenever I feel like it! Maybe tomorrow I'll kidnap that skinny blonde friend of yours so we can have a little 2 on one action."

"Oh my God!" said Meg, "Connie is so NOT my friend!"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Gary is soccer kicked in the head by Zack and flies across the room. He comes to the aid of Meg and begins to untie her.

"Are you okay?" asked Zack, "Did he hurt you?"

Gary begins to regain consciousness and pulls out a switch blade. He then lunges forward towards Zack.

"Zack, look out!" shouted Meg.

Suddenly, Gary is hit in the eye with a BB pellet. He falls to the ground, clutching his eye.

"MY EYE!!" he screams out, "I GOT SHOT IN THE FRICKIN' EYE!"

"That was close..." said Zack.

"It was a good thing we got here in time," said Brian.

"What happened to Gary?" asked Zack as he turned around to see Maddie with a BB gun.

"'Eyes' to see you, too. Gary," said Maddie.

"Boooooo!" booed the other family members as they all gave her a thumbs down for that terrible, terrible pun.

Later outside, Meg is wrapped in a blanket and back to her old brunette, glassesed faced self again. She was with Zack.

"You were right," said Meg, "Gary was a creep. I should've listened to you."

"It's not all your fault," said Zack, "You just wanted some cooler friends to hang out with."

"My makeover almost got me raped," said Meg, "Is that why you're always worried about my looks and think I'm pretty as a plain girl."

"No, it's because I really, really, think you're beautiful," said Zack, "Any guy can find a broomstick, but I think you're special."

"Thanks," said Meg as she hugged Zack.

Joe then appears on the scene putting Gary in the squad car.

"Okay scumbag, let's go," said Joe.

"Listen up," said Gary to Meg, "When you see your sister, Meg, tell her when I get out, I'm coming after her!"

"I'm Meg," said Meg, "I just had a different look. This is the real me."

"Oh... Nevermind, then," said Gary, "And to think I almost raped a brunette crossdresser..."

"Maddie, what you did last night was dangerous!" said Lois, "And you STILL need to be punished for the wall incident. I'm taking the gun away and you're not getting dessert for a month."

"Hey! That isn't fair!" said Maddie.

"Yes it is," said Lois, "Isn't it, Peter?"

"So it's not..." sighed Peter, "Maddie didn't write on those walls. I bribed her to take the fall."

"Wait, then that means..." said Lois.

"That's right. Chris did it!" said Peter as Lois glared at him, "Alright it was me. I'm sorry, Lois."

"It's okay, Peter," said Lois as she kissed him, "All you had to do was apologize."

"WHAT?!" shouted Maddie, "You were about to give me hell for what happened to the walls, but he gets off scott free? I hate this family..."

"Also, we're still taking away your gun," said Lois, "A child your age shouldn't have one."

"But we got something we think you'll like just as much!" said Peter.

"And it'll let you express your creativity without being violent," said Lois, "Go take a look inside your room."

Maddie runs into her room, and to her surprise she finds her father setting up a drum set.

"What do you think?" asked Zack.

"Oh my gosh! A drum set!" said Maddie in excitement as she began to bang on the drums.

"I think she likes it," said Meg.

"And the best part is that nobody will get hurt," said Lois.

"Cool drum set!" said Chris as he started to hit the drums with his hand, "Can I jam with you?"

"NO!! **MY** DRUMS!" shouted Maddie as she stabbed Chris in the hand with a drumstick.

"Ow," said Chris as he rubbed his hand.

"Okay, so maybe not," said Lois.

**End Chapter**


	23. You Don't Know Jack

**Chapter 23: You Don't Know Jack**

**(A/N: Thanks goes to Blue-Hat-Jack for requesting this chapter before I left on vacation.)**

The Griffins were at the airport for a very special reason. They were there to pick up Zack's cousin.

"So you're saying that your cousin is coming to Quahog?" asked Lois.

"That's right," said Zack.

"Really? What's he like," asked Meg.

"He's a pretty cool guy," said Zack, "He was the closest thing I had to a brother."

"You don't need him," said Peter, "You already have someone special to you that's like a brother to you, M-"

"If you say Meg, I will hurt you," said Zack.

"Chris," Peter quickly said.

"Where's Maddie?" asked Meg as she looked at her empty arms.

"She was in your arms a second ago," said Zack.

"Don't worry," said Peter, "What kind of trouble can a baby cause anyway."

Meanwhile Maddie is in front of a door that read...

"Restricted area..." read Maddie as she walked into the control tower where all the workers are directing planes. Maddie then gets a crazy idea.

"Hey mister," said Maddie, "The boss says you're fired."

"He did? I'll fix him!" said the worker as he grabbed a steel chair and ran off. Maddie then takes his headphones and puts them on.

"This is pilot Jay Smith requesting a routine landing on the Quahog Airport," said the pilot.

"What kind of plane are you flying?" asked Maddie.

"An F-15 Eagle fighter jet," said the pilot.

"Fighter Jet, eh?" asked Maddie to herself quietly, "Pilot, I have just new received orders from your superiors. It seems that we've found a terrorist hideout that needs to be blown out of the map. I'm sending you the co-ordinates over the computer."

"...But this appears to be a residential area," said the pilot.

"...Did I mention Osama's over there?" said Maddie.

"One crater, coming up!" said the pilot as he flew to the area.

Meanwhile at the D'Amico home, Eliza is having a tea party with her stuffed animals.

"Wood tha li'l bunnie lahke some mo' tea?" asked Eliza before she hear whistling, "Wha's this then?"

She looks up in the sky and then runs into the house. She then drags Connie outside to look.

"I'm tellin' you, Connie!" said Eliza, "It's tha funniest lookin' round bird I ever did saw!"

"This better be good," said Connie as she looked up to see a falling bomb, "...Ooooooh Shi-"

Back at the airport...

"There you are!" said Meg as she carried her baby and walked away, "It doesn't look like you caused too much trouble."

"Who me?" asked Maddie.

Outside the control tower window, the D'amico's mailbox can be seen falling from the sky. Back at the terminal, they're all waiting for Zack's cousin Jack to arrive.

"So what does your cousin look like?" asked Brian.

"I'd say he looks kinda like me," said Zack.

"Don't flatter yourself, bro!" said Zack's cousin as he exited the terminal gate.

"Jack! Good to see you again!" said Zack.

Jack had a very strong resemblance to Zack, except his hair was black and a bit shorter and he had no facial hair.

"Oh my god, Zack's has a clone!" said Peter, "We've wasted Gov-"

"I used that joke already," said Zack.

"Oh..." said Peter, "...So this is how Zack's twin sister would look like if she got a sex change."

"...Much better?" asked Zack in confusion.

"So this is the family you told me about," said Jack, "They, don't look like a bunch of circus freaks to me."

"What?" asked Lois.

"Haha! Good ol' Jack!" said Zack as he grabbed Jack in a headlock and gave him a noogie, "You're such a kidder, right Jack?"

"You're... hurting... me!" strained Jack.

"Sorry about that," said Zack as he let him go.

"So, this is the wife you're always talking about, huh?" asked Jack as he walked up to Lois, "She's quite the looker."

"Oh my," blushed Lois, "It's a pleasure to meet you, Jack."

"Yeah, except that's not my wife," said Zack, "This is her mother, Lois. This one right here is my wife Meg."

"It's nice to meet you, Jack," said Meg.

"Wait, wait, wait!" said Jack, "You married... a KID?!"

"Well at least you didn't say man," said Meg.

"Well, she's 17," said Zack, "We kinda fooled around and well... I want you to say hi to my daughter Maddie."

"I'm the end result of a broken condom," said Maddie, "Except my parents love me."

"Well speaking of marriage, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Phoebe," said Jack as a young, gothic woman with black hair with red streaks stood next to him.

"Hi," smiled Phoebe.

"Wow, congratulations," said Zack.

"How exciting," said Lois, "So where will you two be staying?"

"Thing is, we kinda used up all our money for the trip here," said Jack.

"And we're unemployed so we can't pay for the wedding and we have no place to stay," said Phoebe.

"Oh..." said Peter, "...Weeee'll it's about time for us to be hitting the old dusty trail. C'mon Lois, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Zack and, Maddie. Wehopethingsgetbetterforyoubye."

"Not so fast!" said Zack, "You guys can stay with us."

"No freaking way!" said Peter, "I'm already letting you stay. There's also Maddie, and that guy with the pink hat and glasses who's always coming to me with his problems, eating my food, and having dinner with us."

"Dad, that's me!" said Meg annoyed, "Your daughter Meg, remember?"

"Oh... right," said Peter, "But my point still stands! There just isn't enough room."

"They can sleep in Zack's old room, the attic," said Meg.

"So then it's settled," said Lois, "They'll stay in the attic until they can get back on their feet."

"WHAT?!" asked Stewie, "That's not fair! I wanted that room to be my rumpus room"

"Hehehehe. You said rump," said Maddie before she thought about what she said, "My god, I AM his granddaughter!"

"More people will be living with us?" asked Chris, "Man, this is gonna be weirder than when Luke Skywalker found out Darth Vader was his father."

**Cutaway**

We get to that epic scene in The Empire Strikes Back.

"Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father," said Vader.

"He told me enough," said Luke, "He told me you killed him!"

"No," said Vader, "I am your father."

"No! That's not possible!" said Luke.

"Search your feelings. You know it to be true," said Vader, "You and Leia were twins, separated from birth-"

"Wait a minute!" said Luke, "Leia's my SISTER?! I wish I knew earlier! I really liked her!"

"Oh," said Vader, "Well, at least you guys didn't kiss, right?"

"..."

"Well, at least you didn't have sex with her, right?" asked Vader.

"..."

"Well, at least you used a condom, right?" asked Vader.

"..." Luke just hangs his head in shame.

"...Congratulations?" asked Vader nervously.

**End Cutaway**

The next morning at the house, Phoebe is outside getting the newspaper when she's spotted by good old Quagmire.

"Hey there," said Quagmire as he ran up to her, "You've just made the headlines of the Daily Quagmire."

"Oh really?" asked Phoebe, "And just what is the headline?"

"...Say, you look kinda familiar," said Quagmire, "Do you know a Bebe Johnson?"

"Yeah, she's my mother," said Phoebe, "She got pregnant with me one day, and raised me by myself. I never knew who my father was... Anyway, what is your 'headline'?"

"Uh, never mind!" said Quagmire as he walked away, "You stay sharp, kid."

"See you later," said Phoebe, "What a nice guy... Giggity!"

Meanwhile inside, Lois is preparing breakfast for the family.

"So have you found a job yet?" asked Meg.

"No," said Jack, "Actually, I did yesterday, but I got fired."

**Flashback**

Jack is at a studio doing a radio commercial for...

"Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm flailing Tube Men!" shouted Jack into a microphone, "Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men! Come on over to Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men Emporium fo... Wait, sorry I can't do this."

"Why not?" asked Al.

"The name's too long," said Jack, "I'm already out of breath."

"There's nothing long about Al Harrington," said Al.

"No I mean the Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Men part," said Jack, "Can't we just call it something shorter like Waving Inflatable Tube Guys?"

"...Get out," said Al.

**End Flashback**

"Dude, I'm sure an opportunity will come up," said Zack, "Maybe I can try to get you in the brewery."

"Pass," said Jack, "I don't even see how you could work at a brewery, Zack. Your dad was always piss drunk."

"Well, sometimes they'll let me dispose of the recalled beer," said Zack.

"Where do you dump that stuff anyway?" asked Peter.

Meanwhile in Zack's dad's apartment.

"Oh god..." he groaned as he ran to the bathroom, "I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!"

Back at the house...

"That's a secret," said Zack.

"Well, no matter what, I'm sure an opportunity for you will show up," said Lois.

Meanwhile at City Hall, Adam West is in his office playing with action figures... Yeah... Action figures. His adviser, Mr. Ray, walks into his office.

"Mr. West?" asked Mr. Ray.

"I thought I told you not to step into my office!" said West, "Especially when I'm battling the evil Megatron. The fate of the universe hangs in this battle!"

"Sir... You're fighting him with Michelangelo," said Mr. Ray.

"He's a party dude," said West, "The exact opposite of Megatron's oppression. Anyway, what do you want?"

"I'm here about the new freeway I suggested," said Mr. Ray, "What do you think, Mr. West?"

"Oh, that? I turned it down," said West as Michelangelo delivered a nunchuck to Megatron's face.

"But sir, think of how it will benefit all the commuters!" said Mr. Ray.

"But you want it built over what is a residential area," said Mr. West, "Spooner street, I believe."

"So? They can commute, too," said Mr. Ray.

"Sorry, but I refuse to put those people out on the street," said West, "Especially not the Griffin's. Stewie and little Mandy have such bright futures ahead of them."

"You mean Maddie?" asked Mr. Ray.

"That's what I said: Aeris," said West, "Anyway, It's time for me to go home."

He then walks outside to his car and sets his action figures on the dashboard. He is about to start the car, but then remembers something.

"Oh shoot! I forgot my taffy," said West, "I can't drive without taffy. I'll look like a queer!"

As soon as West steps outside of the car, the limo explodes in a fiery... um, explosion. The city hall workers then rush to his aid.

"Mr. West! Are you alright?" asked Mr. Ray.

Suddenly, pieces to West's Michelangelo figure fall from the sky.

"Michelangelo! Speak to me!" shouted West as he then pressed the button to his talking figure.

"Cowa.. bunga... Duuuuuuuuuuude..." Michelangelo said as his batteries died.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" shouted West.

Meanwhile back at the Griffin home, the family is watching the mayor on TV giving a special announcement.

**Cutaway to TV**

"As you all know, there was an assassination attempt at my life," said West, "My limo was blown up. Now, I tried calling Vince McMahon, who also had his limo blown up and died. I asked him how in the world did he survive and what should I do. He naturally told me to never call him again and take his number off my speed dial... I didn't. So that's why I'm going to hire a body."

**End Cutaway**

"Jack, Mayor West is hiring!" said Meg.

"This is the answer to our problems!" said Phoebe.

"What problems?" asked Peter.

"To my unemployment!" said Jack.

"Some again?" asked Peter.

"Jack doesn't have a job, Mr. Griffin," said Phoebe, "So Mr. West needing a new body guard is a perfect opportunity for Jack to be employed so we can find our own place."

"...Wow," said Peter, "That has to be the weirdest thing that's come out of anyone woman's mouth who isn't a pornstar."

"..." Phoebe just stares at him.

"Yeah, I deal with this every day," said Zack.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Jack answers it to see his cousin Jillian and her two kids who Jack doesn't know about.

"Hi, black haired Zack," said Jillian as she walked past Jack, "Hi, not black haired Zack," she said to Zack.

"Um, Jillian, it's me. Cousin Jack," said Jack, "Remember?"

"Oh..." said Jillian in realization, "Hi blonde haired Jack. Hi, not blonde haired Jack."

"Say, who are those kids with you?" asked Jack, "Oh god, please don't tell me your babysitting again..."

"No, I'm still not allowed to do that," said Jillian, "I still don't see why."

"Jillian, you know you aren't supposed to actually sit on the babies, right?" asked Brian.

"He was an 5 year old. He shouldn't count!" said Jillian, "Anyway, these are my kids. This is my daughter Tilly and my son CJ."

"You had kids?" asked Jack, "Where are the rest of them?"

"Don't be silly," said Jillian, "I only have two of them."

"...No seriously, where are the rest of them," asked Jack.

"While my mother may have technically been a ditzy sexpot, she had always taken precautions on using birth control," said Tilly, "Our birth, however, was by chance during an accident at a ski lodge. Also, by coincident, I was born with an extremely high intelligence level."

"Those aren't your kids!" said Jack.

"When I grow up, I want to be a tree or just like Jack Thompson!" said CJ.

"Okay, nevermind," said Jack.

The very next morning, Jack, Zack, and Peter had gone to the job interview, while the others stayed home. There, Meg, Jillian, and Lois were watching TV with their children.

"We now return to Sesame Street," said the TV announcer, "With a brand new segment: Emo's world."

**Cutaway to TV**

Inside of a bleakly dawn room is a little monster named Emo who resembles Elmo, except he's purple, has black hair that covers one eye, and is wearing tight emo clothes.

"Yo wussup. Welcome to Emo's world," said Emo, "I guess Emo's happy to see you. So is Dorothy. Say hello, Dorothy."

Dorothy the goldfish just floats around in her glass bowl.

"Why don't you ever talk to Emo anymore, Dorothy?" asked Emo, "You're probably wondering why Emo's room is red. Emo cuts himself. Emo bleeds alot. In fact, Emo cut himself just before you got here. People tell Emo not to cut himself, but what the hell do they know? They don't love Emo anyway. What's the worse that could happen?"

Emo then falls over unconscious due to massive blood loss.

**End Cutaway**

"I say! Those are the exact pants I want to wear when I'm older!" said Stewie.

"You would..." said Tilly.

At that moment, Phoebe walks into the room.

"Lois, you seem like a responsible parent," said Phoebe, "What's your advice on raising children?"

"Well, as a woman who strongly believes in pro choice, I think-"

"Meg, you seem like a responsible parent," said Phoebe, "What's your advice on raising children?"

"Why are you asking me this?" asked Meg.

"Well, Jack and I are thinking about having children," said Phoebe, "And you seem to take good care of Maddie. So what's your advice?"

"I don't really know. I'm still kinda new to this whole mother thing," said Meg, "To be honest, I never thought I would become a mom at 17."

"Do you have any regrets?" asked Phoebe.

"I was scared at first," said Meg, "But when I held that blonde little baby in the hospital, looking at me with her beady little eyes, and with me to thank for her being in existence of the world... It makes me very glad that the condom broke."

"And she's beautiful, too," said Phoebe as she held Maddie, "Just like her mother."

Lois then snickered very loudly, trying to hold back her laughter.

"Sorry, I just... thought of a really funny joke," lied Lois.

"Oh, grow up already," said Jillian, "She's your own daughter for God's sake! Will you quit picking on her like you're the stupid popular bitch from High School? Show some support for a change!"

"Sorry..." said Lois as she hung her head in shame.

"Wow, Jillian. I can't believe you said that," said Meg.

"...Can't believe I said what, now?" asked Jillian.

"Well that was strange," said Tilly, "Mom just had a brain fart."

"HAHAHAHA!" laughed CJ, "You said **brain**!"

"You know what's stranger?" asked Maddie, "When we kept getting phone calls from some mystery person."

**Flashback**

Maddie is sitting in the living room when the phone rings. She answers.

"Hello?" she asks.

"You don't know who I am..." said a mysterious unrecognizeable voice, "But I know who you are, Stewie Griffin. I'm coming after you, and I'm going to KILL you!"

"...Bertram?" asked Maddie.

"Oh, hey Maddie," said Bertram, "Um, is Stewie home?"

"No, he's with Brian," said Maddie.

"Oh, okay then," said Bertram, "So... Whatcha wearing?"

"You DO know you're paying for this call, right?" asked Maddie.

Bertram then quickly hangs up the phone.

**End Flashback**

At that moment, Zack and Jack walk into the house.

"So how did it go?" asked Phoebe, "When do you start?"

"When hell freezes over," said Jack

"Wow, that's going to take a very long time," said Jillian, "Hell is supposed to be very, very hot and to freeze it you'll need, like, 5 bags of ice."

"Mom, you can't freeze heck with 5 bags of ice," said Tilly.

"Wow... you're right," said Jillian, "...You need 6!"

Everyone just stares at Jillian in amazement that she's just topped her own stupidity... again.

"I didn't get the job," said Jack, "He thought I wasn't body guard material."

"That's terrible," said Lois, "I just wonder what kind of jerk he's looking for anyway?"

"Hey, Lois guess what?" asked Peter as he walked into the room wearing a black suit, shades, and an earpiece.

"Peter? You are the mayor's body guard?" asked Lois.

"That's right! He said I had the physique of a mountain and looked like I could stop a bullet with my 5 mile radios," said Peter "Hopefully, I'll make a better body guard than my distant cousin, Goro Griffin," said Peter.

**Flashback**

Inside Goro's Lair is Shang Tsung talking to a huge scantily clad four Armed man who resembled Peter and Goro from Mortal Kombat 1.

"Goro, your job is to protect me and win the Mortal Kombat tournament," said Shang Tsung.

"I won't let you down Mr. Tsung," said Goro Griffin as Shang left, "Hmmmm, wonder what I can do with four arms..."

Goro Griffin puts two of his lower arms under the pits of his upper arms and pumps them to make fart sounds.

"Hehehehehehe!" laughed Goro as he pumped faster.

Meanwhile, the sounds of Shang Tsung screaming while being beaten up by Liu Kang could be heard in the background.

"Hey, shut up back there!!" shouted Goro Griffin, "Jeez, it sounds like you're making love to a girl back there."

**End Flashback**

"Dad, that job was for Jack," said Meg.

"Hey, cool it," said Peter, "We already got him a job."

"Yeah, I talked to Carl at the Mini Mart," said Zack, "He says he'll get him a job as a clerk starting tomorrow."

"...A clerk?!" asked Phoebe, "You're going to work as a clerk?!"

"Phoebe, it's no big deal," said Jack, "It's just a job."

"But clerks don't even get paid much!" said Phoebe, "I might as well marry a loser who works at a brewery."

Lois and Meg then hang their heads in shame from that remark.

"What are you saying?" asked Jack.

"I can't marry you," said Phoebe as she handed back the ring and left the house.

"Phoebe, come back!" said Jack before she slammed the door.

"Geez, it's too bad you didn't get that bodyguard job," said Peter, "You should've gotten that bodyguard job."

"YOU!" said Jack pointing to him, "I should've gotten that job. Well, I hope you keep a good eye on that mayor. Wouldn't want anything bad to happen now would we?"

Jack then walks upstairs into the attic leaving the rest of the family alone in the living room.

"Poor Jack," said Lois, "I wish we could help him find a better job."

"Well what do you expect," said Brian, "The economy's gone down the crapper in the recent years making the job market suck. And I'm sure we all know who's the blame. I'll give you a hint: I didn't vote for him."

"Alright! Alright! We get it!" said Peter, "You hate republicans. Stop mentioning it every five minutes, already."

"Yeah, you're becoming more self righteous than my mom did when she was a vegan," said Zack.

**Flashback**

Some while back at a diner, Valarie is sitting next to guy who is eating tomato soup.

"Those tomatoes were nibbled by rabbits," said Valarie, "You bastard..."

**End Flashback**

The next day at the Quahog preschool center, all the children are gathered around Adam West who is about to read them a story, with Peter by their side.

"Class, for a special treat our mayor, Mr. West, will read you all a story," said Mrs. Lockheart, "So I want you all to be extra nice to him."

"Hello class," said West, "Do you all like stories? Well I do. And that's why I'm about to read you kids a story. It's a story about a kleptomaniac who goes around, breaking into people's houses, and steals their food and then sleeps in their beds waiting to strike at them when they least suspect it... The story of Goldilocks and the 3 bears."

"Hold it a sec!" said Peter as he took a close look at Mrs. Lockheart.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Your breasts appear larger than usual," said Peter, "Looks like I'll have to strip search you."

"Mr. Griffin! There are children in this classroom!" said Mrs. Lockheart.

"Ah, jeez you're right," said Peter, "Guess I'll have to strip search them too."

"No, grandpa! There will be no strip searching!" said Maddie.

"Right... none," said Stewie as he quickly put his clothes on, "Did you catch that, Billy?... I'll pretend you caught that."

"Okay then," said Peter, "I hope I didn't bring any repressed memories of molestation in any of you kids."

"Don't be silly," said Olivia, "None of us have- Oh my god! Mr. Mason, the cereal commercial director how could you?? No, no! There was no dressing room! I was in Disney Land! Disney Land!!"

"Oh! And more ammo to bring down fort Olivia!" said Stewie in delight.

Speaking of ammo, at that moment, gunshots where heard firing and all the children duck.

"Get down, Mr. West!" said Peter as he pushed him down. Bullet holes began forming where he sat.

"Good job, Griffin," said West.

"Is everyone okay?" asked Mrs. Lockheart.

"It must've been the assassin," said Peter, "The same one that tried to bomb your car!"

"But who?" asked West.

At that moment, Eliza enters the room with her clothing charred.

"Sorry I'm late," said Eliza, "But that bloody tart blew up me house!"

"LOOK OUT! SHE HAS THE GUN!" shouted Maddie as Peter tackled Eliza.

Later that night during dinner, Peter invited West to stay over to keep him out of sight.

"Thanks again for letting me stay with you guys until the coast is clear," said West.

"Not at all," said Lois, "It's the least we can do after the whole Boogeyman incident."

"Man, I wonder what happened to that Boogeyman, anyway?" asked Chris.

Meanwhile in Michael Jackson's bedroom...

"You ready?" asked Michael.

"Ready, master..." sighed the Boogeyman as he walked in dressed like a little boy. He began to strip.

"Ub bup bup! Slowly. Make me forget my troubles," said Michael.

"God, I hate this part..." said Boogey.

Back at the house.

"So I was thinking that we could rent a movie," said West.

"We don't rent movies anymore," said Meg, "Not after what dad did, last time."

**Flashback**

"Peter, it's been 7 days," said Lois, "You should return that tape, already."

"Alright, alright," said Peter, "Just let me watch this movie one more time."

Peter then pops in the tape. Suddenly, Samara from "The Ring" appears on TV and begins to slowly crawl her way out of the TV.

"Oh my God!" shouted Lois, "We're going to die!"

"Quick! Help me push her back in!" said Peter as he grabbed a plunger and tried to push her in.

Samara, however forces her way out, growls and then yawns and stretches.

"Whew! I thought I'd never get out of there," she says in a seemingly normal voice, "That TV was soooo cramped and I was getting tired of scaring people to death, so I though if I could crawl out of that TV anytime I wanted after 7 days, why not just leave?"

"Oh, okay then," said Lois.

"...Can I stay with you guys?" asked Samara.

"Get out," said Peter.

**End Flashback**

"It's a shame that you had to come so suddenly," said Lois, "I mean, we don't have the guest room ready."

"That's okay," said West, "I'm sure we can figure out a sleeping arrangement that we can all be cool with."

Later that night in Stewie and Maddie's room, West is sleeping inside Maddie's crib with Maddie in it.

"Okay, I am NOT cool with this," said Maddie.

"Goodnight, Kelly," said West as he fell asleep and sucked his thumb.

Even later at night, a mysterious figures sneaks into the kids' room. This person takes out a small device, places it on the mayor's face and sneaks away. The device then begins to beep in red lights.

"Spiders... Get away..." groaned West, "Spiders... Spiders... Spiders! AAAAHHH!!"

West then grabs the device from his face and throws it out the window where it detonates and explodes.

"What the hell was that?" asked Maddie.

"Don't worry," said West, "You won't have to worry about exploding spiders, now."

"What's going on?" asked Lois.

"Are you alright?" asked Peter.

"I'm doing just fine," said West, "I threw a bomb out the window."

"I hope it didn't hurt anyone we knew," said Zack.

"OH MY GOD! MY LEGS!!" shouted Joe from outside, "Granted, I can't really feel them, but OH MY GOD, MY LEGS!!"

"Where did that bomb come from?" asked Meg.

Maddie then turns and scowls at Stewie.

"Don't give me that look! What do I look like? A homicidal baby?" asked Stewie before Lois' bedroom exploded, "Okay, that one was me, but I didn't do this one."

"Hey, where's Jack?" asked Peter.

"I think he's still asleep," said Zack.

"How odd..." said Lois, "Sleeping through a bomb like that."

"That's nothing," said Chris, "Ever try sleeping through Jillian's snoring?"

"What?" asked Lois.

"What?" asked Chris.

The next morning, Lois is looking through some mail when Zack walks into the kitchen.

"Zack, explain this," said Lois.

"I swear, I did NOT use Peter's credit cards to buy collectible WWE action figures!" said Zack, "I kicked the habit and you can't prove it was me!"

"No, these are credit card bills for a sniper rifle and bomb!" said Lois, "And they were purchased yesterday at 11:30."

"Yeah, what was Jack doing at 11:30 yesterday?" asked Peter.

"He was on his lunch break," said Zack, "Wait, you don't think..."

"C'mon!" said Brian, "Don't you find it weird that he slept through that explosion like a baby?"

"That's nonsense," said Zack, "He would never do such a thing... anymore..."

"What's going on here?" asked Jack, "What's everyone talking about."

"Jack, we need to talk," said Lois, "Don't take this the wrong way, you're a very good guest and all, but we're a little concerned about-"

"ARE YOU AN ASSASSIN?!" shouted Peter.

"Assassin?" asked Jack before he turned to Zack, "You told them, didn't you?"

"I didn't tell them anything!" said Zack.

"Didn't tell us what?" asked Meg.

"It's nothing. Forget it," said Jack, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to work where I have to... um, do convenient store clerk things... Like pumping gas and selling pornography to minors with fake ID's... That sort of thing... Because I'm a convenient store clerk."

"Okay then," said Peter.

Jack then leaves the house, leaving the others alone.

"What was he talking about?" asked Meg, "Is there something about Jack we don't know about?"

"Well... yes there is," said Zack, "You see, Jack's parents lead not-so-normal lives and had professions where having kids wasn't a good thing."

"They were porn stars?" asked Peter.

"No, that's my cousin Becky's parents," said Zack, "When she was born, she shot out like a rocket. No, Jack's parents were assassins."

"So is that it?" asked Brian, "His parents were assassins?"

"That's not all," said Zack, "They tried to train him to be one when he was growing up. Unfortunately, things went out of hand. He got picked on one day by some kid and snapped."

"What did he do?" asked Meg.

"Well let's just say that if Amy Winehouse ever met that kid and saw his face, she'd feel good about herself," said Zack, "After that he began showing murderous tendencies like stabbing teddy bears, sniping birds with his dad's rifle, and becoming that asshole who outbids you at the last second on Ebay just to piss you off. His parents put him through some intense therapy, but I'm not sure if it worked."

"Yeah, that's a great story and all," said Peter, "Especially the part with the dragons, pirates, and flying saucers."

"You weren't paying a damn bit of attention were y-" said Zack before he was interrupted.

"Ah, jeez, look at the time," said Peter, "I gotta get Mayor West to the Quahog chili cook off. You ready mayor?"

"Ready, and I got my tasting spoon," said West as he pulled out a huge novelty spoon, "It's hilarious because it's bigger than a regular sized spoon."

And with that, they leave in the mayor's limo, leaving the rest of the family home.

"Great, the Chili cookoff..." said Brian sarcastically, "Peter will probably be too busy stuffing his face while Jack tries to kill him."

"Will you get off it?" asked Zack, "Jack is NOT an assassin!"

"Zack, I got a call from Carl," said Meg, "He said Jack was fired yesterday."

"Oh my God, he IS an assassin!" said Zack as he grabbed the phone, "Hello?"

"Yeah, I wanted to tell you that Jack was fired," said Carl.

"What did he do wrong?" asked Zack.

"Only the most heinous crime to ever commit in history of ever!" said Carl, "He... Does... Not... find... Jessica Alba attractive."

"..."

"..."

"...And what did that have to do with his job performance?" asked Zack.

"Wll... It means his vision's impaired," said Carl.

"..."

"...Okay, okay," said Carl, "When he gets back from the chili cookoff, tell him he's hired again."

"Oh snap! He's at the chili cookoff!" said Zack as he hung up the phone, "We gotta get there before- gah!"

He was interrupted as he was tackled by his archnemesis, Lobster the Lobster. Ernie the Giant Chicken enters the scene to find Peter.

"Wait, where is he?" asked Ernie.

"Who, Peter? You just missed him," said Lois.

"We're kinda busy right now, so I don't have time to fight," said Zack, "However, you can fight our stand ins."

"Bring them on!" said Lobster, "I can take 'em."

"Triple H! Big Show! You know what to do," said Zack.

"Got it," said Triple H.

"Aw snap," said Ernie.

"And you'll hear a lot of snapping, too!" said Big Show as he double chokeslammed the two.

The family then quickly gets into Zack's Cadillac.

"We have to get to the cookoff before it's too late," said Meg.

"I'm on it!" said Zack as he hit the gas and drove off as fast as he could.

70's car chase music kicks as the car sped through the street. They drive through an alleyway and knock over some trash cans as they narrowly avoided pedestrians. They then drive past a train on the train tracks, but barely, and then after that they drive over a large gap on a constructed bridge. They finally arrive at the cookoff.

"Made it!" said Zack.

"Hey, look! Our house!" said Chris pointing to their house a few blocks away.

"Wait, why didn't we just drive that way?" asked Lois.

"...F(bleep)ck you, hindsight!" shouted Zack.

The family then gets out the car and are about to start searching the cookoff.

"He shouldn't be too hard to find," said Brian.

"Actually, he's a master of disguise," said Zack, "It was part of his training. We'll have to split up. Meg, you come with me. Lois, you and Brian go that way."

"Chris, I want you to keep an eye on Stewie and Maddie. Keep them out of trouble, okay?" asked Lois as she left.

"Don't worry," said Chris, "I'll watch them like a hawk... Hey, where'd they go?"

Behind Chris, Stewie and Maddie can be seen driving a monster truck in the parking lot, crushing cars. Meanwhile in the cookoff, West and Peter walk by a booth belonging to a bearded man in a black coat and sunglasses.

"Well if it ain't the mayor," said the man in a country accent, "I reckon you're the judge of this here cookoff?"

Why yes I am," said West, "See this spoon. It's funny because it's-"

"It's-funny-because-it's-bigger-than-a-normal-sized-spoon. Hahaha that's funny," he said quickly, "Say, wouldn't you like to taste my chili? I'm sure you're... _dying_ to have some."

"Don't mind if I do," said West.

"Hold it!" said Peter, "As your bodyguard, it is my duty to test that chili for you for poison... With my poison detector I got from my happy meal."

"Brilliant, Griffin," said West, "Test away."

"Yep, it's all clear," said Peter.

"Mmm, this is some good Chili," said West, "What's it called?"

"Why it's a little something I like to call, _Jack's Revenge_!" said Jack as he removed the disguises.

"Oh no! We're too late!" said Meg.

"Ahhh! Water... Water..." chocked West as he then crumpled to the ground.

"Mayor West!" shouted Zack.

"Man! That's good chili!" said West as he popped up from the ground.

"What the- He's alive?" asked Brian.

"What? You thought I poisoned the chili?" asked Jack, "It's just a secret recipe that's been in the family for years!"

"...No one told _me_ about the recipe..." Zack sulked.

"Wait, if you were serving chili, why the disguise and the accent and the chili name?" asked Meg.

"...I...don't...know..." said Jack.

"Well, all's well that ends well," said Peter as a bullet flew next to him.

"Except of course, if the REAL assassin shows up," said Zack.

There in front of them stood a mysterious figure in a large overcoat and hat. His face cannot be seen, but he was holding the gun. He then turned to West and aimed at him.

"Say your prayers, Mr. Mayor," he said as he pulled the trigger.

"NOOOOOOO!!" shouted Peter as he jumped in front of the mayor... but fell down before the bullet could hit him... HOWEVER, Jack jumped in the way and took the bullet for the mayor.

"Jack! No!" shouted Zack as he came to the aid of his cousin.

"Jack? What have I done?" said the figure, before he was tackled by Peter.

"Now let's see who the assassin REALLY is," said Peter, "Heh, I said ass."

"Peter, just unmask him!" said Lois.

Peter removes the hat and coat to reveal that the assassin was Phoebe, Jack's ex-fiance.

"Phoebe?" asked Jack as he got back to his feet.

"Jack, you're alright!" said Phoebe as she hugged him.

"I was wearing a vest, but why did you do this?" asked Jack.

"I answered an ad in the newspaper for an assassin for hire," said Phoebe, "I was hoping I could make enough money so you wouldn't have to be a clerk. Jack, I still love you."

"And I love you, too," said Jack.

"Wait, you were hired?" asked Lois, "By who?"

"A man who called himself Mr. Ray," said Phoebe.

"My advisor!" said West.

"He's getting away!" said Meg, pointing to Mr. Ray running away.

"Not on MY watch!" said Peter as he chased after him into a dark alley, "I've got you now, Mr. Ray!"

"But who's got who?" asked Mr. Ray as he pulled out a gun, "I don't see your gun, Mr. Griffin."

"I've got one," said Peter, "It's just... invisible."

"Really? Shoot me with it," said Peter.

"Umm... Bang," said Peter as there was an awkward silence, "Okay, this is the part where you fall down from my invisible bullet."

"It's a shame that you won't see Spooner Street after your dead," said Mr. Ray, "Then again, no one else will, either."

Before he could pull the trigger, he is suddenly shot in the head... well when he had a head. His body then falls to the floor. Peter then turns to see Jack with a sniper rifle and the rest of his family behind him.

"Mr. Ray should've planned a **head**," said Jack as everyone laughed.

"Hey, how come everyone laughed at his pun, but no one laughed at mine?" asked Maddie.

"Because 'eyes to see you, too' sucks," said Meg.

Later, West is congratulating Jack and Peter while the cops are around to take the body away.

"Jack and Peter, thanks to you and your bravery, I get to live another day," said West.

"Thanks, Mr. West," said Peter, "Anyway, I quit being a bodyguard."

"But why?" asked Jack.

"I have a loving family," said Peter, "I'd hate to think of how they'd feel if something were to happen to me in the line of duty."

"Well, how about it Jack?" asked West, "Would you like to take his position?"

"Thanks, but no thanks," said Jack, "With the prize money from the Chili Cookoff, Phoebe and I won't be working for a while. We're gonna move into a house and start a family."

"Oh Jack," said Phoebe as she kissed him.

"Well then, I guess we all live happily ever after," said West.

"Well, Jack did kill a guy," said Joe, "And Phoebe did try attempted murder so I may have to take them in-"

"I SAID we all live happily. Ever. After."

"...But it's the law-"

"HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!"

"Okay, okay, we all live happily ever after," said Joe.

"There you are, Meg!" said Connie angrily as she was burnt, "That little brat of yours blew up my house! I want retribution!"

"Of course, you may want to use a scapegoat," said Joe.

"Okay, I'm gone," said Connie as she quickly walked away.

Everything then fades to black. We then fade in to the Griffin living room where the entire cast is.

"Hello, folks," said Peter, "Tonight, we all had a good laugh, but there comes a time when the laughter must end."

"That's right," said Lois, "As you all know, a cast member had died during the making of tonight's episode."

"He was a treasured member," said Meg.

"His name was Michelangelo, the action figure," said West.

"And that is why we dedicate this episode in memory of Michelangelo," said Zack.

"Cowabunga, sweet prince," said West, "And a flight of angels sing thee to thy rest."

_**In Loving Memory of Michelangelo the Action Figure: 2008-2008**_

"...Wait, what the hell was that crap?" asked Brian in confusion.

**End Chapter.**


	24. Zack's Son

**Chapter 24: Zack's Son**

Fall, the time of year where the weather cools down a little, the birds begin to journey south, and the leaves begin to change color. However fall also meant one more thing for Quahog.

"Leafers!" sulked Peter.

"What?" asked Lois.

"Those damn leafers," complained Peter, "They ruining this town... again."

"What are leafers?" asked Maddie.

"Every year New Yorkers migrate here to see the leaves change colors," said Meg.

"But in the process, they end up taking away public places from the locals," said Zack.

"Let me get this straight," said Maddie, "People actually waste gas money to drive from New York just to see leaves? LEAVES?!"

"Umm... I guess," said Meg.

"Damn! No wonder the economy sucks!" said Maddie.

"Language," said Meg.

"But the kid's got a point," said Peter, "Those New Yorkers are more useless than Princess Peach."

**Cutaway**

Peach's castle is being airlifted into the sky by Bowser's minions, but it's being lifted VERY slowly.

"Mario! Save me!" shouted Peach.

"I don't-a have to!" shouted Mario, "Just-a climb-a down!"

"Mario! Help! My castle's being taken away!" screamed Peach.

"It's only a few feet! Just climb-a down!" shouted Mario.

"Save me!!" shouted Peach.

"CLIMB-A DOOOOOOWN!!" shouted Mario.

"Mariooooooo!!" she screamed as the castle was STILL being lifted... slooooowly.

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!" screamed Mario in frustration.

(AN: How this useless bimbo got into Brawl but not Krystal from Starfox, I'll NEVER know.)

**End Cutaway**

"Don't worry about it, Peter," said Zack, "I'm sure a few rounds at the drunken clam will do us good."

Later at the Drunken Clam...

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE NO SEATS!?" shouted Zack.

"The leafers," said Horace, "They took all the seats. And since you guys don't have seats, I can't serve you."

"Can't you just serve us while we stand up?" asked Cleveland.

"Drinking while standing up? That's crazy talk!" said Horace.

Suddenly a New Yorker walks by and spills beer on Peter.

"Move it, fatty!" said the New Yorker, "I'm walkin' here!"

"You spilled beer on my favorite shirt!" complained Peter.

"You wanna do somethin' about it?" asked the Yorker.

"Damn straight I will," said Peter, "I'm gonna kick your ass... which, ironically, involves no kicking or asses but a lot of punching in the face."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm sure we can settle this without the use of unnecessary violence," said Zack.

"You're such a woman, just like your mother," said a familiar voice from within the bar.

"Oh dear god no," said Zack as he recognized that voice, "It can't be!"

"Hey, that sounded like your dad," said Peter.

"Dad? What are you doing here?" asked Zack.

"What the hell do you think, stupid?" asked Frank, "I'm only hanging out with leafers: the greatest people on God's green earth."

Next to him, a New Yorker is farting while another is throwing up while another one is urinating in public.

"If leafers are great then Uwe Boll is freakin' Spielberg," said Peter.

"C'mon, guys, let's go," said Zack.

"Hey, look at chicken little run," said Frank, "Buckaw! Buck Buck!"

"You can't let him say that!" said Quagmire, "Kick his ass!"

"If I do, it's an assault," said Zack.

"Unless I looked away, of course," said Joe, "Seriously, kick his ass."

"I'm not going to," said Zack, "Let's just go home."

"That's right," said Frank, "Run home to that fatass girl of yours and that butterfaced kid. You always made stupid mistakes just like I did. One was even letting your mother keep you, you freaking rape baby!"

"SHUT UP!!" shouted Zack as he punched Frank in the face.

Every gasps as Frank falls to the ground. He then gets up and finds that his nose is bleeding.

"Why you no good, little, two timing, son of a- HURRGH!! ARRRRGH!!" he screamed as he clutched onto his heart and fell over.

"...Dad?" asked Zack.

"You think he's dead?" asked Quagmire.

"Well he could be unconscious. The one way to make sure he is dead is if-" said Peter as he sniffed the air, "Yup, he's dead."

Meanwhile back at the house, Maddie begins to shiver.

"What's wrong?" asked Brian.

"I felt a disturbance," said Maddie, "As my other grandfather cried out in terror and was suddenly silenced... YAY!!"

The very next day, the family was attending Frank Murdock's funeral.

"Do her... Do her... Wouldn't do her... Ugh, who hasn't done her," said Stewie pointing out the little girls.

"Stewie, those are chicks," said Tilly.

"I know that!" said Stewie, "Are you implying something about my gender preference?"

"...Nevermind," said Tilly.

"Yeah, I don't get him either," said Maddie.

"See Frank's coffin?" asked Stewie,"Those are the kind of fabrics I want in Lois' coffin. You know what else I want in Lois' coffin?"

"What?" asked Brian.

"A dead Lois," said Stewie.

Jillian, Zack, and Valarie are standing in front of Frank's coffin.

"Look at dad," said Jillian, "He looks so peaceful in his coffin."

Frank's face was all scrunched up and very angry looking.

"Zack, do you want to give a Eulogy?" asked Valarie.

"Yeah, Zack. he was kinda your father," said Meg.

"I'll give it a shot," said Zack as he walked up to the podium, "Dear dad, not much can be said except that you're dead because you overfed and I punched you in the head. Damn I'm smooth."

"Zack, give a REAL eulogy," said Valarie.

"You want a real eulogy?" asked Zack, "Here's one. Dad, I hope you rot in hell for all eternity with Hitler and that stupid squirrel who stole my sandwich in 5th grade. And if that's not enough, here's a little goodbye present."

Zack then began snorting loudly to form a loogie... And much later, Valarie is dragging him into the house by his ear.

"Dammit, Zack. How dare you be so disrespectful!" said Valarie angrily.

"Uh oh! you're in trouble," said Peter, "Something's come along and it's burst your bubble!"

"You shut up!" said Valarie, "And as for you, what would make you do such a thing to your father?"

"He's NOT my dad and you know it!" said Zack, "He's always treated me like crap since I was born. He never taught me how to walk, he never taught me how to talk, he never taught me how to read... Hell, he didn't even teach me how to tie my shoes! The mailman did! The. Mail. MAN!"

"You mean your father never did ANYTHING?" asked Lois.

"Damn straight he didn't," said Zack, "Hell, even the kidnappers who kidnapped me when I was 7 took better care of me than him!"

**Flashback**

Many years ago, Valarie is on the phone...

"I'll whatever you want!" begged Valarie, "Just don't hurt my son!"

"Bring us all the money and NO cops!" said the kidnapper, "And don't worry. We'll take good care of your little boy... heh heh."

He then hangs up the phone and walks into the other room.

"Now where were we?" he asked, "Oh yes... And so the ugly duckling then grew up to be a beautiful swan and all the ducks loved him. The End."

"Do you think I'll grow up to be a swan, Mr. Kidnapper?" asked Zack.

"Sure you will kid," said kidnapper, "Now you sleep tight."

"Don't let the bed bugs bite," said the other kidnapper.

"Good night," said Zack as he fell asleep.

"Aww, he sleeps like an angel," said the kidnapper.

**End Flashback**

"Wait, you're right," said Valarie, "We don't know who your birth father is and Frank never cared about you. So I guess, in a way, you never really did have a father growing up."

"My God, that sounds terrible," said Lois, "I couldn't imagine our children like that."

"I know," said Peter "What if my kids grew up to hate ME?"

"Newsflash, lardo!" said Meg, "I already hate you."

"Here's a newflash for ya," said Peter, "You don't matter."

"BURN!" laughed Lois as she high fived Peter.

"How did you guys get to be such wonderful parents?" asked Zack sarcastically.

**Flashback**

17 years ago after Peter and Lois made love for the very first time...

"That was amazing," said Lois, "I couldn't even feel the condom."

"What's a condom?" asked Peter.

Lois just looks at him with a wide eyed horrified look.

**End Flashback**

"Yeesh! I shouldn't have even asked," said Zack.

"Well from now on, I will make it my duty to spend time as I can with my son, Chris," said Peter, "Hehehehe! 'Duty'."

"You have other kids, you know," said Lois.

"Besides, dumbass already loves you," said Zack.

"With. My. Son. Chris," said Peter.

"Zack, why don't you spend more time with Maddie?" asked Meg.

"I already do," said Zack, "It's too bad I don't have some other kid. One who's been neglected and has been growing up without a father for 2 years, dresses up like a goth, and has a name that starts with a 'C'."

At that moment, the doorbell rings. Lois answers it and there stands Zack's ex-girlfriend Nikki and her son Cody.

"Nikki, what a surprise," said Lois disdainfully, "I'm really hoping it's all a part of The Awful Part of Zack's Past Dies week."

"Hahaha zip it, firebush," said Nikki, "I already know about what happened to Zack's father. Can't say I'm sorry."

"Who can, really?" asked Valarie

"I came here to see Zack," said Nikki, "It's about Cody."

"You should've been two years early," said Meg bitterly, remember their remarks when Zack almost died.

"Ain't that the truth..." muttered Cody.

"What was that?" asked Nikki threateningly.

"Nothing, mother," said Cody.

"What is it?" asked Zack.

"I'm going to go on vacation for a while," said Nikki, "I'm gonna leave Cody with you and your family until I get back."

"Wait, didn't you say I could never see Cody again?" asked Zack.

"Didn't I say I would always love you to the bitter end?" asked Nikki.

"Ah, touche," said Zack.

"Besides, it's not like I have any other options," said Nikki, "It was either you or that old guy down the street."

Meanwhile in Herbert's front yard, a bunch of boys are toilet papering his yard.

"Aw crap! The old man's coming out!" said one of the boys as they fled.

"You goddamn punks!" said Herbert, "Call me!"

Back at the house...

"Have fun with your father," said Nikki, "And by fun I mean nothing that involves death metal and Satan. Mommy loves you."

Nikki kisses Cody on the forehead and leaves as Meg closes the door behind her.

"Great. We're gonna be stuck with smiley for a while," groaned Meg.

"No, this IS great," said Zack.

"What do you mean, great?" asked Meg.

"Dad, he HATES you!" asked Maddie, "Don't you remember what he said about you?"

"No, because I was on the roof," said Zack, "And that was because we don't even know each other. But this will now give us the perfect opportunity to bond."

"Bond?" asked Peter, "James-"

"Don't say it!" said Zack.

"James B-"

"NO!"

"...James Bond," said Peter quickly.

"Hey there, Cody," said Zack, "I know I haven't been there for you, but I'm gonna make up for that."

"Whatever, I- WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" he shouted as he pushed Zack off him.

"I was just trying to hug you," said Zack.

"Well, don't!" said Cody, "At least warn me, if you're gonna pull that crap!"

"Can I have a hug?" asked Zack.

"No," said Cody.

"Gimmie a hug," said Zack.

"No way," said Cody.

"Come here."

"I'm not coming over there."

"Let's go."

"Forget it."

"Pronto!"

"Well, those two are off to a good start," said Brian dryly.

"I know," said Stewie, "They'll be getting along worse than console fanboys at the Gamefaqs forum," he then turns to you, the readers, "Go ahead and go onto the Gamefaqs message boards and see what I mean. I'll still be here... Oh, are you back? Do you see what I mean? The endless bickering! HAHAHA, spell check much? Who's the Moderator? Flame Rising?"

Later upstairs, Maddie and Stewie are showing Cody their room.

"And this is where you'll be staying, 'big brother'," said Maddie.

"I guess this'll work," said Cody, "What's up with the two different toy chests?"

"Cody, don't open that one!" said Stewie.

"Why?" asked Cody as a light began to scan him. A bunch of mechanical arms grabbed him and dressed him up into commando gear.

"He has a world domination thing going on," said Maddie.

"Okay then. What does this button do," he asked as he pressed it. He was now dressed in a robe fit for a king. He pressed the button again. This time he was dressed in blonde curls and a dress, "Um... okay..."

"Oh dear... How... how, did that get programmed into there?" asked Stewie nervously.

"Wait a minute..." said Maddie, "THAT'S MY LIPSTICK AND MY DRESS!!"

"Well... I suppose... Stewie, mommy wants you!" shouted Stewie in a feminine voice, "Blast it's that vile woman! I better get going now. COMING LOIS!" he said as he ran away from the room.

"Is he always like this?" asked Cody.

"Does a bear crap in the woods?" asked Maddie.

A few nights later at the Drunken Clam, the guys are having a beer when they notice that Zack is looking more stressed than usual.

"Zack, you look terrible," said Joe.

"Yeah, you look just like I do when I hear the words 'I love you'," said Quagmire.

"My estranged son, Cody, is staying with us," said Zack, "I tell ya, that kid is such a handful and a shut-in."

"I know," said Peter, "I mean, just this morning, Lois caught him performing a Satanic ritual."

**Flashback**

In his room, Cody has a bunch of candles lit, and has the seal of Satan drawn onto the floor. He is wearing a robe and is about to recite the spell.

"My lord and master, Lucifer," he said, "I call onto thee to walk the earth once more. Feast upon the souls of my enemies and-"

"Cody?" asked Lois as she walked into the room, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm not Cody!" said Cody, "I am Satan's servant, the black horse of the apocalypse and I am trying to resurrect my master!"

"Okay 'black horse'," said Lois as she rolled her eyes, "Would you like any breakfast?"

"...Yes," he said, "Fruit Loops, please."

**End Flashback**

"He also keeps avoiding my company," said Zack, "He won't let me take him to a baseball game or anything."

"And the boy is ALWAYS in his room," said Peter, "His skin is pale, like he never gets enough sunlight or something. You'd think he was a goth or something."

"Well I think he's like that because you've never spent any quality time with him," said Cleveland.

"Hey, you're right!" said Peter, "And I have just the idea to solve everything. We are going to take that boy hunting."

"Hunting? Have you gone mad?!" asked Zack, "The boy's only two! He doesn't need to be carrying a gun."

"C'mon, just give it a chance. Besides, this isn't the stupidest thing I've thought of," said Peter, "Remember the time I let Quagmire set up Hilary Duff's 18th birthday?"

"No, I can't say I do," said Zack.

"Oh," he said, "So you don't remember?"

"Probably cause I wasn't there," said Zack.

"...Can you try to remember?" asked Peter.

"I DON'T REMEMBER, OKAY??" shouted Zack, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? A FLASHBACK OR SOMETHING??"

"Well..." said Peter.

Later at the house, the family is discussing the possibility of the trip.

"Peter, are you nuts?" asked Lois.

"Like I told Zack, just give it a chance," said Peter, "One trip with the guys and the boy will think he's his hero until another big shot male comes into his life."

"But you can't possibly let a boy his age handle a gun," said Lois.

"Lois is right," said Brian, "The boy has too many issues to be having a gun."

"Although, I do like the idea of a family trip," said Meg, "It'll give us more time to spend together."

"That's a good idea, Meg," said Lois, "I'm sure if we all spend more time with Cody, he'll open up."

"Oh yeah, a great idea," said Stewie dryly, "Leave us all alone in a remote area with that freak. I can see the head lines: _Handsome Would-be Overlord and His Insignificant Family Murdered By Some 2 Year Old Gothic Freak... Oh And Meg Was There._"

"_I'm_ a freak?" asked Cody, "Let's analyze this: There's a fat jerkass, a redheaded whore, an alcoholic dog, a fatboy with an IQ lower than pants, a crybaby in a pink hat who has mental issues, a blonde brat, an abandoner, and a football headed menace who gets away with a lot of bullcrap, but I'M the freak?! Well screw you people!"

Cody then stomps upstairs to his room an slams the door.

"Nice going, menace," said Maddie.

"What? He IS a freak," said Stewie, "I mean, look at him with his black hair, and his clothes, and his eyeliner, and that handsome face, and those lips that need to be kissed, and my god I need help don't I?"

The next morning, the family was packing for the camping trip.

"This sucks," said Peter to Zack, "I was hoping that I'd get to hang out with the guys, shoot a few deer, have a few beers, and perform acts of public urination without getting caught. I wanted to have a good time. I wanted to tell them some of my jokes. I should be having fun out there."

"Peter, get over it," said Zack, "Besides, the point of this whole trip AND the other one was so that I could bond with my son and that's what I'm-"

"Geez, you're so selfish!" said Peter, "Why do you gotta make everything about _YOU YOU YOU?_"

"Yeah, Peter," said Brian, "How selfish of a young man wanting to get to know his only son who he hasn't seen in over two years. Shame on him."

"See? Brian gets the idea," said Peter, "Shame on you, Zack!"

"Peter, there is nothing wrong with getting know your family," said Lois, "It will help create a better bond between them. Like me and Meg for instance. I packed her favorite meal which includes PB&J."

"PB&J?" asked Meg, "Mom, I can't have that! I'm allergic to peanuts!"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure you're not," said Lois.

Even later, the family arrive to their destination, James Woods.

"Here we are," said Peter, "James Woods."

"God, this place still kinda creeps me out," said Maddie.

"Me too," said Stewie, "Look, there's still the old crashed stroller from when we got lost."

"And your faceprint on the tree," said Maddie as she pointed to a tree with Stewie's faceprint on it.

Suddenly, there are the sounds of rustling in the bushes.

"What was that?" asked Chris.

"Oh my god! It's Michael Jackson and he's come for the kids!" shouted Peter as he slammed the bush with a bat repeatedly.

"Ow, cut it out!" shouted Jillian as she walked out of the bush, "You'll give me empty space damage!"

"Jillian, what are you doing here?" asked Lois.

"We're on a trip with my mom," said Jillian as Valarie entered the scene.

"I decided that it was best that the grandchildren got in touch with mother nature," said Valarie, "They've been WAY too dependent on technology recently."

"That's a lie and you know it," said Tilly, "Now Where's the remote? I need to turn down the contrast of this nature thing."

"So what about you guys?" asked Valarie.

"We're just trying to get Cody to open up with a family trip," said Lois.

"We're also going to have Zack and Cody do some father-son bonding," said Meg.

"Hey, I just got an idea," said Jillian, "Why don't I let Chris and CJ hang out. They need more time together as father and son."

"Here's a better idea," muttered Lois, "Get him a REAL dad."

"What?" asked Jillian.

"We'll take good care of him," said Lois.

"Did you hear that, little dude?" asked Chris, "You get to spend more time with your dad!"

"That's awesome...By the way, who are you?" asked CJ.

"Man, this trip is gonna suck!" sulked Cody.

"C'mon, Cody, give it a chance," said Zack, "Maybe we can go fishing, or just hang out, or-"

"You don't get it, do you?" asked Cody, "I don't want to have anything to do with you! I just want to go home. MY home. With my mom and not YOU people. Especially YOU!"

"...You know what? I tried," said Zack as he just raised his arms in defeat, "Enjoy growing up without a father you ungrateful little punk!"

Zack then walks away from the rest of the family into the forest where Peter follows him, leaving the rest of the family alone.

"Cody, why won't you give your father a chance?" asked Lois.

"Because he's NOT my father!" said Cody, "He left me before I was even born."

"Cody, that's not true," said Meg, "You mother left HIM before you were born."

"But why?" asked Cody.

"Trust me, it's better if your didn't know," said Brian as he glanced towards Chris.

"It's still not fair that little miss princess over there gets a better life than me!" said Cody as he pointed to Maddie.

"That isn't your father's fault," said Valarie, "Your mother made the decision not to tell him of your existence until recently. I'm not saying you should blame her. I'm just saying that it isn't all his fault."

"I didn't know that..." said Cody, "I thought he hated me... But he does _now_."

"Cody, let me tell you a story," said Brian, "I once became reunited with my son, Dylan. Our relationship with each other was kind of like you and your father's. He didn't want to have anything to do with me. Then one day, we smoked pot and became the best of friends. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"That pot solves everything?" asked Cody.

"Yes," said Valarie, "...Wait, NO! The pot was the middle ground!"

"And that's what you both need to find," said Meg as she put a shoulder on Cody, "If you two can find some kind of middle ground, I'm sure you'll both be like friends."

"I guess so," said Cody, "Thanks, Meg. For a dorky wannabe kid, you give some good advice."

Cody then leaves.

"I'm not a dorky wannbe!" said Meg, "...Am I?"

Everyone just looks away and whistles innocently. Meanwhile, Peter and Zack are speaking with each other.

"I tried and I tried and I tried!" said Zack in frustration, "I've had it with that kid. History's repeating itself, just like with my father. In fact, I'll bet he's laughing at me right now from beyond the grave."

"That's not true," said Peter, "He's laughing at you from hell."

"Who needs Cody, anyway?" said Zack, "I've still got Maddie and I'll do my damndest to make sure she grows up right."

At that moment, a car pulls up. Out steps Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland.

"Hey, y'all!" said Cleveland, "You ready for that hunting trip?"

"Forget it," said Peter, "We're here to do stupid family bonding."

"Screw that!" said Zack, "Let's go."

"But the hunting trip was a father-son thing," said Peter

"Then get _your_ boy and let's GO!" said Zack.

"But what about Cody?" asked Peter.

"I don't have a son!" said Zack.

Unfortunately, Cody had heard all of this.

"What have I done?" asked Cody as he ran back to the campsite.

Later, Peter, Cleveland, Joe, Quagmire, Zack, Chris, and CJ are walking through the woods in hunting gear.

"It's a good thing those clothes for Cody fit CJ," said Joe.

"My shirt's too tight," complained CJ.

"No, they fit you," said Joe.

"But it's choking my neck-"

"THEY FREAKING FIT YOU!!" shouted Joe as he shot his gun into the air, "Got anything else to say?!"

"...My, these clothes are snug," said CJ.

"Isn't this great?" asked Peter, "Me and my son... And his son going hunting together."

"Put a sock in it!" slurred Zack, "Not all of us could have sons."

"Maybe we shouldn't have let him carry the beer cooler," said Cleveland.

"What do you mean?" asked Quagmire.

"What I'm implying is that I think he's drunk," said Cleveland.

"He's not drunk. Watch," said Quagmire, "Hey Zack, walk in a straight line."

"Why the hell would I want to do that?" slurred Zack, "I'm a war hero, goddammit!"

"See?" asked Quagmire, "Would a drunk guy ask that?"

"Of course not," said Peter, "Especially since he's a war hero! Now let's keep going."

"Dad, how do you hunt?" asked CJ.

"Oh that's easy, son," said Chris, "You take your gun, aim at them, and shoot them."

"Hey, dad, look! I see something!" said CJ.

"Well what are you waiting for? It to give you an invitation?" asked Peter.

"Well, yeah," said CJ, "It would be rude to just-"

"CJ, shoot it!" said Joe.

"Go ahead, son," said Chris.

"Okay..." said CJ as he fired the gun.

It hits the creature... which turns out to be a bear. The bullet apparently didn't kill him, but he is PISSED!

"Oh my god, a bear!" said Cleveland.

"Quagmire, do something!" said Joe.

"Oh no!" said Quagmire, "I'm not gonna distract it. I have my limits!"

"Limits?" asked Peter.

"Yeah," said Quagmire, "Only ONE bear a night! OH! GIGGITY GIGGITY!!"

"It's coming closer!" shouted CJ.

"Quick, if we pretend to play dead, it'll leave us alone," said Peter.

All of the guys then fell to the ground, and played dead... All except for a drunken Zack, who just walks up to the bear.

"What the hell is he doing?" asked Quagmire.

"Making Meg a widow and Maddie an orphan, that's what!" said Peter.

"What the hell are you doing here?" slurred Zack. In his view, the bear was his father, Frank, "You're supposed to be dead! Death can take my kitten, but not you? Screw you Death!"

"Yeah, well, you keep poking at the hornet's nest, buddy," said Death from a distance, "Then we'll see who says screw you... It'll be me."

"I don't care if you did come back from the grave!" slurred Zack, "I'm not afraid of you, anymore!"

With that, Zack punches the bear in the nose. The bear growls and tears Zack's shirt with a swipe.

"OH GOD, PLEASE DON'T HURT ME DAD!!" screamed Zack as he ran from the bear.

Meanwhile back at the campsite...

"Tilly, you've only been out here for 3 hours," said Maddie, "Being away from technology this long isn't THAT bad!"

"You don't need to do anything desperate," said Stewie.

"I'm not!" said Tilly.

"Um... You're carving a laptop out of wood," said Stewie.

"SHUT UP AND GET ME SOME GRASS FOR WIRES!" shouted Tilly.

Meg walks past them and sees young Cody sitting on a stump all by his lonesome.

"Cody?" asked Meg, "I thought you were going to find your father."

"I found him," said Cody, "He said he doesn't have a son..."

"What?!" asked Meg, "We'll see about that!"

Back at the woods, Zack is running away from the bear for dear life.

"Quick, Zack!" shouted Cleveland, "Jump in the water!"

Zack then dives into the water, and the bear gives up chase. He raises his head above and is suddenly sober.

"Ohh... My head..." groaned Zack, "What am I doing in the water?... And why am I being carried off by the currents?"

Meanwhile where the others are...

"When I get my hands on Zack, I'll-" said Meg.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" shouted Zack from afar.

"That sounded like dad!" said Maddie.

"Oh my gosh! Zack!" said Meg as she ran towards the stream where Zack was being carried off.

"We have to save him!" said Maddie.

"I got an idea," said Meg as she climbed up a tree that had a branch near the water. She then reached her hand to Zack as he floated by, "Grab my hand!"

Zack grabs on, but pulls too hard and pulls Meg into the stream.

"Oh my gosh!" shouted Peter, "Zack! Um... Uhh... Hmmm..."

"Meg," said Lois.

"I knew that!" said Peter, "ZACK! MEG!!"

"Great, now we're floating upstream," said Meg, "Can things get any worse?"

"How would you feel if I told you that there was a huge waterfall ahead of us and that it would most likely kill us?" asked Zack.

"I would scream," said Meg.

"Oh..." said Zack, "Well, there's a huge waterfall ahead of us and it will most likely kill us so it's better if you don't look ahead."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" shrieked Meg.

They both then fall over the waterfall, but are caught at the last minute by Cody who swung by with a rope. Don't ask how a two year old could hold on to a 17 and 20 year old. Just... don't.

"Cody... You saved us!" said Meg.

"Hang on, I got my hair wet," said Cody as he pulled out some hair gel.

"Wait, you use the same hair gel?" asked Zack.

"Of course," said Cody, "It's not easy keeping it nice and long."

"...My son," said Zack as he hugged Cody and cried, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, dad," he said, "I'm sorry, too."

"Are you guys alright?" asked Lois.

"We are now, thanks to Cody," said Meg, "And it looks like they found some middle ground."

"I'm sorry I almost got you guys killed," said CJ, "I shouldn't have shot that bear."

"You aren't to blame," said Peter, "The real culprit here was that bear... And hippies... but mostly hippies."

Valarie then delivers a swift kick to Peter's groin as he crumpled to the ground.

"Wanna run that by me again?" asked Valarie.

"No, it's cool," groaned Peter.

"Well I hope you all learned something, today," said Lois

"I sure did," said Zack, "But unfortunately, due to my heavy drinking, I forgot what it was so I'm just gonna say something random and off topic. Cody, don't eat guitar strings. They don't taste very good and they make your mouth bleed. And that is something you do not want to happen."

**(A/N: This isn't really my joke. I got this from a Naruto fandub called "Gai The Awesome")**

"Wow, my first father advice," said Cody as he and the others walked away, "Tell me more."

"Well, all's well that ends well," said Joe.

"Wow, that is so touching," said Quagmire, "I wish I had a son."

"Oh I'm sure you do," said Joe, "We'll find all 20,000 sons that are yours out there."

"On second thought, never mind," said Quagmire.

"Good job scaring him with that lie," said Cleveland.

"Sadly, I don't think I'm lying," said Joe.

**End Chapter**


	25. The Man Who Lost His Giggity

**Chapter 25: The Man Who Lost His Giggity**

It was a nice Saturday afternoon. The family(sans Peter) were in the living room watching TV as usual. At that moment, Peter enters the house with a bunch of trash bags.

"Hey, check it out, Lois," said Peter, "The neighbors from down the street left a whole lot of stuff behind."

"Peter! Are you going through our neighbors' trash?" asked Lois.

"No, Lois," said Peter, "I am leaving their garbage alone and respecting their privacy. What do YOU think?"

"You too, Zack?" asked Meg as Zack went into some of the bags.

"What can I say?" asked Zack, "I've always been a bit of a pack rat."

"But it's all garbage," said Meg.

"You can actually find a lot of neat stuff from these bags," said Zack as he went through them, "Baby clothes, a Sega Genesis, some old tapes, a Sega Genesis, magazines, a Sega Genesis, some computer parts, a fish bowl, and a Sega Genesis."

**(Fun Fact: Malcolm Fox found four Sega Genesises this way.)**

"Hey what's this?" asked Meg as she grabbed a book.

"It looks like the Guinness book of world records," said Brian.

"Hey, let me see that!" said Chris, "Cool, look at all these records: world's tallest man, world's longest beard, world's longest earhair... Awesome! There's a woman named Elaine Davidson who is the most pierced person in the world."

"Let me see that!" said Cody, "According to this, she has 720 piercing on her body. 192 of them are on her face... Holy cow, I think I'm in love!"

"Those people are so awesome!" said Maddie.

"They most certainly are not!" said Lois, "Some people on that book are amazing, but a lot of them go through humiliation and abuse just to be on there. A lot of them are just freaks."

"They're freaks..." said Peter, "Yet I'M not on that book. well that settles it. I am going to break a world record!"

"Peter, don't you remember what happened the last time you tried that?" asked Brian, "You swallowed a bunch of nickels and went blind!"

"..." Peter just stares at Brian.

"It happened about 3 years ago," said Brian.

"..."

"You know? In 'Blind Ambitions'?" asked Brian.

"...Anybody have any suggestions?" asked Peter.

"I have an idea," said Meg, "I can use my bird call to summon a bunch of birds. Then we can use their feathers to make the worlds largest pillow."

"Lois, isn't that cute?" said Peter, "Meg is trying to be useful but is failing miserably."

"You can try to make the world's longest poo!" said Chris.

"Seriously! Stop saying poo!" shouted Zack.

"I know someone who can break a record," said Stewie, "Brian for longest time to write a novel. You know, Brian? That novel? The one you've been working on? The one you started years ago but you never finished? The one with that has a plot similar to _Iron Eagle_ but you say it's completely different? Will it have a plot twists near the end? One that will make everyone go WTF when they read it? If they read it? If you ever finish it?"

"Piss off," said Brian.

"I look forward to reading it," said Stewie.

"Zack, you will help me break a record!" said Peter.

"Me? But why me?" asked Zack.

"Because you still owe me for the time I saved your life," said Peter, "You know, from when Ernie the chicken almost killed you and I came rushing in acting like Casey Jones and saved you?"

"...Wait, that was me that-" said Zack.

" For the time I saved... your... life," growled Peter.

"Okay, let's get started then," said Zack as he rolled his eyes.

**Day One...**

"Okay, Peter," said Zack, "The record for the most pies eaten are 156 in under 5 minutes. We are going to beat that record. Ready?"

"Ready!" said Peter.

"And... GO!" said Zack.

Five minutes later, Peter is finishing off a slice of pie.

"Oh man..." panted Peter, "How many pies did I have?"

"One..." said Zack, "...Slice."

"Aw crap," said Peter, "Maybe I shouldn't have eaten those 155 practice pies 3 minutes before we started."

"Well girls, guess all that pie baking was for nothing," said Zack as he turned to see Lois and Meg fall over from exhaustion, "...Girls?"

**Day Two...**

Peter and Zack are in the car in the driveway.

"We'll try something else," said Zack, "You're gonna set a record by driving in reverse. You ready?"

"Ready," said Peter.

"And... GO!" said Zack.

Peter backs up quickly... but slams right into Joe who flies off his wheelchair.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU HIT ME?!" shouted Joe.

"It's his car," said Peter as he got out and ran.

"What? But... He... dammit," said Zack.

**Day Three...**

Peter walks into the house. Zack notices that his hair is longer than usual.

"Ummm, Peter?" asked Zack.

"Yes?" asked Peter.

"What's with the long hair?" asked Zack.

"Well I'm gonna break the record for the world's longest hair," said Peter, "I already got a head start using rogaine... Not the growgaine stuff."

"Okay, then," said Zack.

"Hey, I think my hair's even longer than yours," said Peter.

Zack just looks at Peter in silence. He then pulls out some clippers and grabs Peter in a headlock.

"NOOOOOOO!!" screamed Peter.

**Day Four...**

Peter walks into the living room where Brian is reading a newspaper.

"Brian you're my friend, right?" asked Peter, "You'll do anything for me, right?"

"Of course, Peter," said Brian.

"Can you help me break a world record?" asked Peter.

"What kind of record?" asked Brian.

"World's ugliest dog," said Peter.

"...You think I'm ugly?" asked Brian.

"No, but can I make you ugly?" asked Peter as he chased him with a golf club.

"PETER, WHAT THE HELL?!" shouted Brian, "GET AWAY FROM ME!!"

"C'mon, it's for a good cause!" said Peter.

At that moment, Brian kicks Peter in the shin and I'm gonna stop right there. You know what happens. I know what happens. We'll just skip this part because I can't be bothered to write this everytime... Ah, what the hell...

"SHHHHHHHH... AHHHHHHHH!! SHHHHHHHHHHHH... AHHHHHHHHH!! SHHHHHHHHHH... AHHHHHHHHHH!!"

**Day Five...**

Peter and Zack are on the street during sunset.

"Peter, do you see that?" asked Zack pointing into the sunset.

"What about it?" asked Peter.

"I want you to be the first man to run," said Zack, "I want you to run... into the sun!"

"I'm on it!" said Peter as he ran towards the sunset.

"Run into the sun?" asked Lois.

"Hey, I got rid of him didn't I?" asked Zack, "Now let's change the locks before he comes back and tries to kill us with more record breaking crap!"

The next night at the Drunken Clam, Peter is sadly talking to the guys about his attempts at breaking a world record.

"I've been trying for 5 days now and I still haven't broken a record, yet," said Peter, "I feel like a bigger loser than Aquaman."

**Cutaway**

Somewhere in a City, a man steals an old lady's purse.

"Help! That man stole my purse!" said an old lady.

"I'm on it," said Aquaman as he gave chase. He then cornered the robber on the docks, "Nowhere to run, villain. Now feel the wrath of the creatures of the deep!"

Aquaman then summons a large horde of sharks. They leap out of the water... and helplessly flop around on the docks until they die. Aquaman just chuckles nervously as the robber shoots him.

**End Cutaway**

"You shouldn't feel too bad about yourself," said Cleveland, "Breaking a record isn't that important."

"Yeah, Peter," said Joe, "Just look at us. None of us have broken a record."

"Well, actually, I'm trying to," said Quagmire.

"What?" asked the others.

"Yeah, I'm going for the world record for the most women banged in the world," said Quagmire.

"Well, you got a head start," said Zack.

"Yep, and there's nothing and no one that's gonna stop me," said Quagmire

At that moment, the door to the Drunken Clam opens and there stands a mysterious man. He was a handsome Spaniard man who had gelled back hair, a half button shirt, and black pants.

"Um, can I help you?" asked Horace.

"I am looking for a Glen Quagmire," said the Spaniard who spoke in a thick Spanish accent... because he was a Spaniard. And that's what Spaniards do: speak like Spanish people.

"And you are...?" asked Horace.

"My name... is Diego Montoya!" he said as Spanish music played in the background.

"Oh, he's over there," said Horace.

"Aw, nuts," asked Quagmire, "Not him!"

"Who is that man?" asked Cleveland.

"That's Diego Montoya," said Quagmire, "He's an old rival of mine. He's always been trying to one up me."

"Oh hello, 'Fag'-mire," said Diego, "I see you have some male friends. Are you finally sharing wieners in a very gay sense?"

"As a matter of fact we are," said Peter, "Want some?"

"No thanks," said Diego, "I don't swing that way."

"Eh, must be a vegetarian," said Peter as he ate a hot dog.

"What the hell are you doing here in Quahog, Diego?" asked Quagmire.

"Well, there have been rumors that you're going for a world record," said Diego, "One that involves sex."

"What about it?" asked Quagmire.

"I just want to tell you to quit while you're behind," said Diego, "I am going to go for that record."

"But that's not fair!" said Quagmire, "I claimed that record before you!"

"Well I claim that record before you times infinity... plus three," said Diego.

"NOOOOO!! NOT PLUS THREE!!" screamed Quagmire.

"I guess I'll see you in the record books, loser," said Diego as he walked away.

"Oh man, I am soooo screwed," said Quagmire.

"What are you talking about?" asked Joe.

"Yeah, Quagmire," said Peter, "You're the greatest sex machine in Quahog."

"You don't understand," said Quagmire, "This guy is good. I mean REAL good. He once seduced a guy, made him become a transsexual, and then turned 'her' down because she wasn't his type."

"Damn, man. You ARE screwed," said Zack.

"No he's not, because we're going to help him break that record before Diego can," said Peter.

"I'm not so sure if I want to help Quagmire," said Zack, "I mean, we all remember the last time he wanted us to help him."

**Flashback**

At Quagmire's front door, Peter, Zack, Joe, and Cleveland were beaten and had their clothes torn.

"Okay, it was hell having to get through all those preteens," said Peter, "But we got you those Hanna Montana tickets you wanted."

"They're backstage, too," said Joe, "Just like you said."

"Why did you want these, anyway?" asked Cleveland.

"Just wanna meet her," said Quagmire as he was holding some rope, a burlap sack, and a rag lined with chlorine.

**End Flashback**

The next morning at the house, Peter and Zack approach their wives.

"Lois, you like Quagmire as a friend, right?" asked Peter.

"Of course," said Lois.

"And friends do friends favors, right?" asked Peter.

"What does he want?" asked Lois.

"Can you have sex with him so he can break a record?" asked Peter.

"WHAT?!" asked Lois.

"It was HIS idea," said Peter as Lois punched Zack.

"OW! MY FACE!!" shouted Zack as he rubbed his face.

"What's this about a record?" asked Meg.

"Quagmire's trying to one up his rival, Diego Montoya," said Zack.

"DIEGO MONTOYA?? EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" squealed Lois and Meg.

"Wait, you heard if this guy," asked Peter.

"He's only one of the most famous Spanish pop singers in the world!" said Lois.

"I have ALL of his albums, posters, and memorabilia!" said Meg, "Oh god, I just wanted to marry him!"

"Hey! What am I? Chopped liver?" asked Zack.

"Of course not," said Meg, "You're my one true love."

"That's good, because I just met the guy," said Zack.

"OHMIGOD!! REALLY?!" asked Lois as she and Meg grabbed him.

"Did you shake his hand?" asked Meg.

"No," said Zack.

"Then why the hell are we touching YOU?!" asked Meg as she and Lois shoved him onto the ground.

"Ugh, women," groaned Maddie, "Sometimes I almost fear becoming one. Just imagine, me acting all giddy over a pretty face. Isn't that ridiculous, Stewie?"

"DIEGO MONTOYA'S IN TOWN?? EEEEEEEEE!!" squealed Stewie.

"Nevermind," said Maddie.

"If this guy is as famous as they said, Quagmire doesn't have a chance!" said Peter.

"It's too bad we don't have a book," said Zack, "A spellbook. Preferably one that was used by witches. That'll show him! Let's go to a magic shop!"

"Better not," said Peter, "Fanfiction infringement."

"The fanfiction whatment?" asked Zack.

A few weeks later at the Drunken Clam...

"I think I got this record in the bag," said Quagmire, "I was able to boost up my sex numbers."

"How on earth were you able to do that in a week?" asked Zack.

"I'd rather not talk about it," said Quagmire, "But let's just say that women in prison get VERY lonely, so make sure you carry a map when trying to dig to Lois' bedroom."

At that moment, Diego enters the bar once again.

"Hello, everybody," said Diego, "Oh, hello 'Fag'-mire. Today is the big day... The day MY name is immortalized in the record books."

"Dream on," said Quagmire, "My name's in that book. In fact, Peter is gonna be bringing the book right now."

At that moment, Peter bursts into the book.

"Here it is," said Peter, "The moment of truth. Now be very delicate because I actually want to keep this book-"

The two men then snatch the book away and frantically look through the pages.

"Oh... My... God..." said Quagmire, "I LOST! Diego's name is on here."

"HAHAHA!! YES!!" laughed Diego, "Quién es el hombre? En su cara! In your face!"

"I... I don't understand," said Quagmire.

"Look, it's okay, Quagmire," said Cleveland.

"No it's not," said Quagmire, "All that hard work was for nothing. Maybe I'm losing my touch."

"You're just in a slump, that's all," said Joe.

"I gotta go," said Quagmire as he left the Drunken Clam.

"Man, Quagmire looked pretty down," said Peter.

"We'll you'd be down too if you knew your life's work was for nothing," said Cleveland.

"Yeah, Quagmire worked hard for that record," said Joe, "But then he was RAPED!! HE WAS RAPED!! AND DIEGO RAPED HIM!!"

"I say we give it some time," said Zack, "He'll be back his feet in no time. Trust me."

On the following Sunday, the whole family was getting ready for church.

"Why do we have to go to church all of a sudden?" asked Chris.

"Yeah, especially after that whole Stewie/devil incident?" asked Meg.

"Because we are all Catholics," said Peter, "And as such, we are going honor our religion."

"Actually, I'm a Methodist-" said Zack.

"CATHOLIC!!" shouted Peter.

"Alright, alright, I'm a Catholic," said Zack.

"Besides we could all use a little more God into our lives," said Lois.

"Yeah, especially Meg!" said Peter, "She's such a jerk."

"Meg's a jerk?" asked Zack, "What about you, jerkass?"

"I've never done anything jerky in my life," said Peter, "Try naming one thing I've done mean."

"Okay, what about the Germaphobes' meeting?" asked Zack.

**Flashback**

Inside a small room, a bunch of people are trying to get over their fear of germs.

"We must not let the germs get in the way of our everyday lives," said the group leader, "Today will be the day we will conquer our fear of germs!"

Peter then sneezes on his hands.

"Eww, gross," said Peter as he wiped his hand on the person next to him. Needless to say, he freaked out.

"Sir, that's the eighth time you've done this," said the leader, "I suggest you leave."

"Fine then," said Peter as he then coughed on the doorknob, "Oops, did I do that? Did I just get my GERMS on the doorknob? Oh and is that the only way out of this room? Oh, by the way, I used all the sanitizers, soaps, and other cleanly products so... um... yeah... Well see ya."

Peter then coughs on the door again, spits on the floor and leaves.

**End Flashback**

"And that was an hour ago," said Zack.

"You told me you were visiting your sick mother!" said Lois angrily.

"I was," said Peter, "But then she was diagnosed with a disease that could only be cured by me inflicting trauma to the germaphiobic. Now what was that disease called again?"

"Peterisfullofcrapidis?" asked Zack.

"Yeah, Peterisfullofcrapi-" said Peter before he caught Zack giving a smirk, "Oh you are such an ass!"

"I don't need to go to church," said Cody, "I have plenty of God in my life."

"Really? Then explain THIS," said Lois as she opened up Cody's dress shirt to reveal a "Satan Rules" T-Shirt.

"That's a typo," said Cody.

The family arrives at the church only to see Cleveland and Quagmire frantically run to the car.

"You guys have to come inside the church!" said Cleveland, "You aren't going to believe this!"

"Oh no! Jillian's been drinking the holy water again!" said Zack.

"No, we said you AREN'T going to believe it," said Joe.

"The general public has finally realized that religion is nothing more than an exploit at other people's stupidity and a big scam?" asked Brian.

"...Okay, does this guy have an off switch?" asked Cody.

The family walks into the church and to their surprise they see Quagmire, singing with the choir.

_"I once was lost, but now Am found. Was blind, but now I seeee."_

"Oh my god," said Lois, "I'm seeing it but I'm not believing it!"

"Quagmire? What the hell are you doing here?" asked Peter.

"Yeah, I thought you were excommunicated from the church for tapping the organist," said Zack.

"Don't you mean tapping the organ?" asked Meg.

"No," said Zack.

"Yesterday made me realize something," said Quagmire, "I was spending almost all my life trying to be a gigolo and it was all for nothing. All those heartbreaks I caused to those women. That is why I have decided to give up being a sexhound and am now a born again Christian!"

"We could all learn from Mr. Quagmire here," said the pastor.

"Mr. Quagmire?" asked Maddie.

"Giving up sex?" asked Meg.

"Wonder what hell's like right now?" asked Cody.

Meanwhile in hell, everything has frozen over.

"Damn!" said Lucifer, "Something's causing this and I need to know, NOW!"

"Sir, we've found out why hell's frozen over!" said his servant.

"Oh yes, I knew it!" said Lucifer, "FOX has uncancelled _Arrested Development_! Oh happy day!"

"Um no," said the servant, "Quagmire's giving up sex. Shall we do something about it?"

"...Just give me my DVD boxsets and get out," said Lucifer.

**(A/N: This was inspired by an idea by Snake Screamer, btw.)**

Back at the church...

"I don't understand," said Peter, "How could Quagmire change like that?"

"Un fulfillment," said Tilly as she and her family walked up to them.

"Unful-what?" asked Peter.

"Un fulfillment," said Tilly, "Mr. Quagmire spent a good portion of his life doing... things... to women. Apparently, that loss to Diego must've created a hole. A hole he is now filling with Christianity."

"See how smart our daughter is?" asked Jillian, "It's too bad she doesn't know what 2 times 2 is."

"I TOLD YOU, IT'S FOUR!!" shouted Tilly.

"No, that two PLUS two, silly," said Jillian.

"IT'S THE SAME FREAKING ANSWER!!" shouted Tilly.

"Oh please," said Jillian, "I KNOW the difference between subdition, addtraction, and multiplivision."

"Anyway, the kid's right," said Zack, "This is probably just a phase anyway."

"Yeah, I'm sure Quagmire will be back to his old perverted self in no time," said Joe.

Two days later at the Drunken Clam...

"He didn't go back to his old perverted self in no time," said Joe.

"I miss the old Quagmire," said Peter, "This new Quagmire is SOOOO boring. I mean, he took us out on the town... for Bingo for God's sake!

**Flashback**

Somewhere in a bingo hall, the guys are playing bingo. Well, Peter, Cleveland, and Joe are sitting boredly, while Zack is asleep and drooling.

"See? This is fun," said Quagmire, "This is much more fun than those stupid old raunchy stag parties, right guys?"

"If you say so," said Peter nonchalantly.

"B-9," said the announcer.

"B-9? That's me!" said Joe, "I GOT A BINGO!! BINGOOOOOO!! BINGOOOOOO!! BINGOOOOO!!" he then shoots up into the air with his gun earning the stares of everyone in the room, "...What?"

**End Flashback**

"Uh oh," said Zack, "Here he comes now."

"Hey guys," said Quagmire, "I was just about to go to the homeless shelter to feed the homeless. Wanna come with?"

"Hey, I got a better idea," said Peter, "Why don't we go hit the town and go to the porn store."

"I told you, the old Quagmire is gone," said Quagmire.

"But you used to love collecting all types of porn," said Cleveland.

"Yeah, well I gave all my old porn to Zack," said Quagmire, "I figured he was still young. Just don't let Meg find them if you know what I mean?"

"Oh I know EXACTLY what you mean," said Zack as he was all beaten up and his clothes were tattered.

"You're no fun anymore!" said Peter, "All you ever do is help other people and act like a good person. That's not the Quagmire I know."

"I think I've heard enough," said Quagmire, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go over there and buy that lady a drink in a very non-suggestive way, compliment her hair and not her privates, and be friends with her without benefits... like a gentleman!"

Everyone gasps as Quagmire walks away.

"This is that Diego's fault!" said Cleveland.

"Yeah, if it weren't for him, Quagmire wouldn't have changed," said Peter, "Just look at him with his stupid black hair, and his tan skin, and his sexy good looks."

"What?" asked Joe.

"His AIDS, said Peter quickly.

"I think we should try to get Quagmire back on the saddle," said Zack, "And I have an idea."

The next morning in the front yard, the plan is about to take place.

"Alright, Jillian, you do exactly as we planned," said Peter.

"I feel so uncomfortable doing this," complained Jillian, "I mean, what if my boyfriend sees me?"

"And just who is your boyfriend, anyway?" asked Peter.

"...Josh?" lied Jillian.

"There he is!" said Zack, "Now work your magic, sis!"

"Hello there, Jillian," said Quagmire, "Do you feel the power of Christ making your morning? He sure is making mine."

"Quagmire, I have a question," said Jillian.

"Go ahead, said Quagmire.

"Does this make my boobs look big?" asked Jillian as she removed her robe to reveal she was in a very skimpy bikini.

"Oh my..." said Quagmire, "Put some clothes on, miss! There are children out here!"

"We don't mind," said Chris.

"Totally," said Cody aroused.

"What? What am I missing?" asked Stewie.

"It's not working," said Zack, "Go to Plan B."

"Plan B, Peter," said Joe.

Peter then sprays Jillian with a garden hose, getting her soaking wet.

"Oh my, look what I did," said Peter, "I got Jillian's half naked body all soaking wet! I mean, just look at her."

"You're right," said Quagmire as he wrapped a towel around her, "There, now you can get dry."

"Okay, plan C," said Peter as he smacked Jillian with a frying pan, knocking her unconscious, "Oh look at that. She's just lying on the ground, helpless. Somebody could do ANYTHING they wanted to her. I mean ANYTHING."

"Nice try, but that part of my life is over," said Quagmire, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for bible study."

As soon as Quagmire leaves, Chris angrily slams the frying pan on Peter, knocking him out.

"Why'd you do that?" asked Joe.

"Maybe Quagmire likes men, now," lied Chris as he carried Jillian's body into the house.

"It didn't work," said Zack.

"Then that's it," said Peter as he got up, "I think we've really lost Quagmire this time."

"Hi boys," said Valarie as she walked by, "Why so glum? You looked like you smoked some really bad pot."

"It's Quagmire," said Peter, "He's changed."

"He's no longer a perverted sexhound," said Cleveland.

"He's... He's...," choked Joe, "He's... DECENT!!"

"...?" Valarie stared at them.

"That's bad," said Zack.

"...Oh! Yeah, um, sure, I guess," said Valarie, "Why don't you let ME talk to him?"

"Of course!" said Peter, "She's a woman! She's good at that whole sensitive, understanding, talking thing."

"Um, thank you," said Valarie.

"She can also cook, clean, look pretty, and have babies," said Peter.

"Okay..."

"But she shouldn't get a job ever!" continued Peter, "She belongs in the kitchen cooking my dinner."

"Peter, I think you should seriously stop," said Zack.

"Also, she shouldn't vote, speak her mind, or eat because she'll just get fat and- OUCH!!" shouted Peter as he clutched his groin and crumpled to the ground.

"Please don't make this into a running gag," said Val as she walked into Quagmire's place.

"Valarie?" asked Quagmire, "Let me guess, my so called friends sent you to seduce me?"

"Glen, sit down," said Valarie, "I just want to talk. Your friends are worried."

"Worried about what?" asked Quagmire, "I'm just fine. So what if I lost that record. It was dumb, anyway."

"So this IS about that record," said Valarie.

"No it's not!" said Quagmire, "I just... needed a change of pace."

"Quagmire, be honest," said Valarie.

"...Okay, I'm still sore about that record," said Quagmire, "I just don't want anyone to think, 'hey look, it's Quagmire that guy who's good in bed but not as good as Diego freaking Montoya.' I'm such a loser."

"Well your friends don't seem to think that," said Val, "Or at least they didn't use to. They think you're no fun anymore."

"Yeah, I guess I did go a little too far with the whole change thing," said Quagmire, "I'm gonna try to be a little more loose from now on, but I actually kinda like being a gentleman."

"That's nice," said Val, "Well you take care."

"You too," said Quagmire, "And thanks."

"Dammit, I dropped my keys," said Valarie as she bent over, "Hang on for a sec."

Quagmire then stares at Valarie's ass as she bends over. Sweat begins to form from his arousal. Meanwhile outside, a loud shriek could be heard along with a thwack.

"He's back to normal," said Valarie angrily.

"Where are you going?" asked Peter.

"The hospital," said Valarie, "I think I broke my fist on his chin."

Later at the Drunken Clam, the guys are all sitting in their booth celebrating Quagmire's return.

"It's good to have you back, Quagmire," said Peter.

"It's good to be back," said Quagmire, "And it's good to know that my libido's back, too. Your mom's really helpful."

"Thanks," said Zack, "So how's your jaw?"

"Hurts like hell," said Quagmire, "Where'd she learn to hit like that?"

"She was raped once. What do YOU think?" asked Zack.

"Oh, hello, FAG-Mire," said Diego, "Hey everybody, it's Fag-mire the loser!"

"You know what, Diego?" asked Quagmire, "I don't care what you think or what record you broke. It's not about competition. It's about how much action you get! GIGGITY GIGGITY!!"

"Oh yeah, well I won and you're still a loser," said Diego as he began scratching his crotch, "Ow... maybe I shouldn't have screwed those women under the bridge. Maybe I should get myself checked..."

"And look who comes out on top after all!" said Peter.

"Yep, not one thing bad has ever come out of my loving," said quagmire.

At that moment, Phoebe walks up to Quagmire.

"Mr. Quagmire, you called me earlier today," said Phoebe, "You said that you wanted to come clean and tell me the truth about my father. What is it?"

"Ummm... He was a homosexual," lied Quagmire.

**End Chapter.**


	26. Family Goth

**Chapter 26: Family Goth**

**(A/N: Sorry if this chapter seems pretty long, but I wanted to put a subplot in it. Anyway, enjoy)**

It was Saturday night at the Griffin place. Stewie, Maddie, Tilly, CJ, and Cody were at home being babysat by Liddane playing board games.

"This sucks," said Maddie annoyed, "We're stuck here playing _bored_ games while our parents are having the time of their lives in the town."

Meanwhile at a karaoke bar, Lois is singing the theme to 'The Bodyguard... while drunk... and off key.

"AND IIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAAAAAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!" she sang loudly and shrilly causing all the other customers to scream in agony. A gunshot sound could be heard from the distance and one of the screams stopped.

Back to the house...

"Yup, the time of their lives," sighed Maddie.

"Okay, it's your turn, Tilly," said Liddane.

Tilly rolls a 4 and moves her game piece to the community chest. She then picks up her card.

"The dollar has dropped in value, dropping the economy by 13 percent and you must foreclose all of your property and file for bankruptcy!?" asked Tilly in surprise, "Cripes, I hate this new modern economy edition!"

"I'm sorry, but this was the only board game your grandfather had," said Liddane, "Well this and Operation: Jenna Jameson edition."

She pointed to a board of the female pornstar where the lights where on the breasts instead of the nose. At that moment, the parents come home from their night out.

"WILL ALWAYS LOOOOVE YOUUUUUU!!" sang Lois loudly as she collapsed and began to vomit.

"Finally!" said Stewie in relief, "I was getting SICK of getting fined for hiring illegals."

"Thanks for babysitting the kids while were away, Liddane," said Zack as he paid the babysitter.

"It's no problem," said Liddane, "If there's anything else I could do for you..."

"Hey listen," said Meg, "I was thinking that maybe we could hang out at the mall tomorrow."

"Uh, yeah, I'm kinda busy tomorrow," lied Liddane.

"We can hang out the next day!" said Meg, "Or whenever YOU wanna hang out!"

"Meg you should stop," said Liddane, "You're beginning to sound desperate."

"No I'm not!" said Meg in desperation, "PLEASE hang with me! I'll give you money!"

"I'll just go now," said Liddane uncomfortable as she was about to leave. Meg then clamps onto her leg.

"Please don't go! I NEED PRETTY FRIENDS!" she begged before she let go.

"How pathetic," said Stewie, "That cow is almost as pathetic as Hamburglar when he went to prison."

**Cutaway**

Hamburglar is sharing a prison cell with another prisoner.

"What are you in for?" asked Hamburglar.

"My girlfriend cheated on me with my best friends so I cut both their heads off," said the prisoner, "What about you?"

"...I stole a cheeseburger from Ronald," said Hamburglar.

**End Cutaway**

The next morning, Lois is trying to make breakfast in the kitchen with a killer hangover.

"Dammit woman, where are my Apple Jacks?" asked Stewie in annoyance, "I can't begin my endeavor of world conquest without having a part of a complete breakfast filled with vitamins such as A, B,and C!"

"Please don't make loud noises. Mommy has a headache," groaned Lois, "Why does my breath smell like a combination of beer, cheap wine, and a very bad rendition of 'I Will Always Love You'?"

"She ran away from me like everyone else," said Meg sadly, "Am I really that lame that I drive away everybody from being my friend?"

"Is the sky blue?" asked Stewie, "Does a bear sh(bleep)t in the woods? Is the Pope Catholic? Do birds fly? Do you spell KKK with a K? Is FOX raunchy and have a habit cancelling shows without a proper conclusion in the first season? You know, Meg, I could kill you right now and you wouldn't even know it because your that stupid. AHHH!!" Stewie shouts as Cody pushes his high chair over.

"Cody!!" said Lois in discouragement.

"What? It's called parenting. You should try it once in a while," said Cody as he shrugged.

"You call THAT parenting?" asked Maddie.

"Didn't say it was GOOD parenting," said Cody.

"Meg, you shouldn't try to make yourself sound desperate," said Lois.

"But I AM!" said Meg, "I'm in my junior year and I'm still treated like a nobody!"

"That's not true," said Peter, "...Zack loves you... And so does Maddie... No you're right. Wow, you suck, Meg."

"Peter!" said Lois angrily, "Meg, I'm sure someone out there will want to be your friend."

"Yeah, all you've gotta do is keep looking," said Zack, "Just try to be yourself and you'll get somebody."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" laughed Peter, "Oh be yourself! That's rich!"

"Shut up," said Zack, "It's how she got me."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh you suck, too- OW!" shouted Peter in pain as Zack punched him in the chin.

Later during lunch at the James Woods High cafeteria, Meg spots Connie and the cheerleading squad sitting at a table. There was one extra seat.

"Is it alright if I sit here?" asked Meg.

"Sure," said Connie.

As soon as Meg takes her seat, the cheerleaders all get up, walk away and sit at a different table.

"Be yourself, indeed," muttered Meg.

"Hey, is this seat taken?" asked an unfamiliar girl.

Meg turned around to see a teenage girl dressed in gothic clothing that consisted of a black shirt with fishnet sleeves underneath, a black skirt with a studded belt wrapped around it, black and red striped stockings, and black gothic boots that made her seems a little taller than she really was. She had on black lipstick, purple eye shadow, and a black bob haircut with even bangs. She had a bit of a big nose like Lois, Meg, and Diane Simmons.

"Yeah, but _I'm_ sitting here," said Meg sadly.

"Cool, then" she said as she sat next to Meg.

"Wait, you're sitting next to me?" asked Meg.

"Why not?" she asked, "You seem like an okay person. By the way, name's Raven."

"I'm Meg," said Meg as she smiled at Raven.

"I like your hat," said Raven, "It looks cool."

"You really think so?" asked Meg in excitement.

"It matches your shirt," said Raven, "And those glasses really bring out your eyes."

"Wow, this is so exciting!" said Meg with joy, "We've been talking for 30 seconds and you haven't left, run away, shot yourself, or insulted me!"

"Really?" asked Raven, "You mean you don't have any friends?"

"Well I do, but like me, they're losers" said Meg.

"C'mon, they can't be that bad," said Raven reassuringly.

"Owowowow! My brashesh are shtuck in your armpit!" complained the red haired one.

"Ouch! Stop pulling!" complained the black one, "I knew this dare was a bad idea!"

"I'll get the janitor! AH!!" screamed the brunette one as she slipped on some food and fell.

"Forget what I said about them," said Raven quickly as she turned away.

Meanwhile at the Preschool center, show and tell was about to begin in the classroom.

"Alright, class, does anyone have something they'd like to show us for show and tell?" asked Mrs. Lockheart.

"OOH!! OOH!! MRS. LOCKHEART!!" called Maddie.

"Anyone BESIDES Maddie?" asked Mrs. Lockheart, "Anyone? Anybody at all?... Please?"

"What's wrong?" asked Maddie, "Don't you like my show and tell projects?"

"Maddie, I like you as a student and a person," said Mrs. Lockheart, "But your projects tend to be a little... sucky."

"C'mon, it can't be as crappy as Tilly's," said Maddie.

"I'm going to just pretend I didn't hear that," said Tilly as her hair was dyed rainbow colored.

"Anyway, what I have is a Chinese fingertrap," said Maddie, "It was given to me by my grandma."

"Would you care to show us how it works?" asked Mrs. Lockheart.

"It works like this," she said as she stuck one finger in one hole and put the other hole onto Stewie's finger.

"Huh? What the devil is this?" asked Stewie, "How dare you ensnare me!"

"And we are now stuck," said Maddie.

"Impressive," said Mrs. Lockheart.

"Yes, it's right up there with the second of Jesus," said Stewie dryly, "NOW GET US OUT OF THIS INFERNAL CONTRAPTION!!"

"Okay, just let me... um... a little twist..ummm..." panicked Maddie as she was trying to get them free.

"Well? Hurry it up, woman!" shouted Stewie.

"I can't! I think we're stuck!" said Maddie.

"Let me see," said Mrs. Lockheart, "Wow, you both really are stuck. Let me go see if I can find somebody."

As soon as Mrs. Lockheart leaves the classroom, Eliza walks up to Maddie.

"Awww, is the li'l baby stuck?" asked Eliza mockingly, "Wha's tha matta? Can't hit me cause you're not left anded? I'll bet you wanna hit me right-"

Maddie then silences her by swinging Stewie like a club, sending Eliza flying across the room.

"Here, let me get you guys out," said Cody, "The trick is move your fingers closer together, like so."

And with that, the two were free.

"Finally! Freedom!" said Stewie with joy.

"That was close," said Maddie, "Could you imagine if we had to spend the rest of our lives together like that?"

Cody then grins as his mind begins to get an idea.

"Hey, were your fingers touching each other when I did that?" asked Cody.

"Why yes they were," said Stewie.

"Oh, that's not good," said Cody in concern.

"What do you mean?" asked Maddie.

"Well according to Chinese customs, that means you guys got.. engaged," said Cody.

Everyone in the classroom gasped except for Tilly.

"Engaged. Right. And I have rainbow colored hair," said Tilly sarcastically before realizing something, "...Dammit."

"Isn't there some way out of this?" asked Maddie.

"Yes, some sort of loophole or something?" asked Stewie.

"Well, there is one..." said Cody.

"Anything!" said Stewie.

"Both fiances must inhale their respective father-in-laws underwear for 3 straight minutes," said Cody.

Later at the house.

"You may now kiss the bride," said Cody as he performed a wedding in front of Stewie and Maddie's stuffed animals.

_"I can't believe I'm married to my uncle," _said Maddie disdainfully.

_"I can't believe I'm married my niece,"_ said Stewie disdainfully.

_"Damn! And I almost had them sniffing underwear, too,"_ said Cody disdainfully.

Later that night at the dinner table...

"So Meg, how was your day?" asked Lois.

"The most incredible thing happened to me!" said Meg, "I-"

"Boring!" said Peter, "Hey Chris, how was your day."

"Well, I'm glad you asked," said Chris, "See, me and my friends-"

"Boringer!" said Zack, "No one wants to hear that."

"But you didn't even let me finish," said Chris.

"I don't have to," said Zack, "Every time you open your mouth, something stupid comes out."

"Now that's not true!" protested Chris as he spat out a blue and white striped monkey with a baseball cap and a shirt that reads, _I'm not with Stupid... I AM Stupid!_

"...I think it's better if I _don't_ ask," said Zack.

"I think so, too," said Chris.

"At school today, a girl actually talked to me!" said Meg.

Everyone in the room then gasped.

"Did she know you were a girl?" asked Peter.

"Yes, and before you ask, she's straight," said Meg, "She actually likes me!"

"That's wonderfully, sweetie," said Lois.

"Yeah, I really hope you two become best friends," said Zack, "Unlike Solid Snake and Sam Fisher."

**Cutaway**

Snake and Sam are both captured in the enemy prison.

"Hide in the cardboard box, you said," mocked Sam, "We'll both fit, you said. Next time, let's NOT hide in a box in a tight corridor where an enemy soldier can trip over. That was REAL stealthy."

"Oh look who's talking Mr. I-Wear-Goggles-In-The-Dark-With-Three-Green-Lights," mocked Snake.

"Again with the goggles!" said Sam, "It's so the player can see me. What about you. You carry freaking cigarettes around. Oh, nobody will definitely find you with the smell of smokes around."

"You know, I'll bet the Tetris blocks and the Column jewels don't bicker as much as we do," said Snake.

"Don't bet on it," said Sam pointing to an L block smashing 3 columns of jewels.

**End Cutaway**

"Tomorrow, I want to invite her over to meet everyone," said Meg.

"Are you sure you want to do that?" asked Brian.

"Yeah, I mean this family isn't exactly Leave it To Beaver Material, you know," said Zack.

"Hey, we're not that bad!" protested Peter.

"Peter, remember when we invited Angela over for dinner in hopes of a promotion?" asked Zack.

**Flashback**

One night, Angela was being greeted by Lois and Zack.

"Thank you again for inviting over for dinner," said Angela.

"It's our pleasure, actually," said Zack.

"Why don't we introduce you to the rest of the family," said Lois, "KIDS! WE HAVE A GUEST!"

AHHHHHH!! EVIL MONKEY!!" screamed Chris as he ran around the house like a maniac.

"HAHAHAHA!! VICTORY SHALL BE MINE!!" shouted Stewie as he fired his gun everywhere.

"Hey, Angela," said Peter drunk... and naked, "I'm ready for my... promotion... thingy."

"Mr. Griffin! You're naked!" said Angela in shock and disgust.

"Nono, I'm just a little under dressed," said Peter as he then fell over.

"Hey there, baby," slurred Brian who was also drunk, "There's a waterbed in the back so... use your imagination."

"Sir, you're a dog!" said Angela in shock.

"So are you, but that's not stopping me!" slurred Brian as he vomited on her shoes.

"Oh my god, I am so embarrassed!!" cried Meg as she ran upstairs.

Suddenly, a plunger flies right into Angela's face, knocking her down. Maddie then jumps on her and begins to pump the plunger rapidly.

"DIE, YOU!!" she shouted, "I WON'T LET YOU TAKE MY SOUL!!"

"Maddie, what the hell's wrong with you?" asked Zack.

"But _you're_ the one who said that your boss was an evil witch!" said Maddie.

Zack just looks at Angela and chuckles nervously.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Murdock," said Angela bitterly as she walked out of the house, plunger and all.

**End Flashback**

The next day in the backyard, Cody is pushing a large cardboard box with windows and doors on it.

"And a new home for the newlyweds," said Cody.

"A cardboard box?" asked Maddie.

"Hey, this thing wasn't easy to obtain, you know," said Cody.

**Flashback**

Somewhere in a back alley, Cody comes across a hobo sleeping in a cardboard box.

"I'll give you some pot for that box," said Cody.

"Do you really think that I would give you this box?" asked the Hobo, "My shelter from the cold for some measly drugs that would probably only last me a few hours and would put me even further down in poverty and depression?"

"...Yes?" asked Cody.

"Well, you read me like a book, kid," said the hobo as he took the pot and Cody took the box.

**End Flashback**

"It was SUPER easy to obtain," finished Cody, "I'm gonna leave you two newlyweds alone to get acquainted with your new home."

He then leaves their "house", leaving the two alone.

"Well, it certainly looks okay," said Maddie, "But with a few decorations..."

"A few decora- WE'RE FREAKING MARRIED!!" shouted Stewie angrily, "How can you think about decorations at a time like this?!"

"Hey, I'm just trying to make the best out of a bad situation!" argued Maddie.

"Oh right, of course," said Stewie sarcastically, "You mean like how the slaves would sing on the plantations... Okay why no flashback?"

"Because we already did three in a row," said Maddie, "We can't overdo it."

"Well I suppose we must set some rules in order for this marriage thing to work," said Stewie, "Rule number one: You must always cook and clean for me when I want you to, even if I'm not hungry or my clothes are dirty."

"Screw that!" said Maddie, "I'm your wife, not your slave!"

"Wife... Slave... Tomato... Tomahto," said Stewie,

"Alright then," said Maddie, "Rule number two: You're getting a job!"

"A job?!" asked Stewie in fear.

"Yes, a job. I refuse to be married to a bum!" said Maddie, sternly.

"Show some respect to your superior," said Stewie, "I shall be ruler of this world someday."

"Yeah... a ruler without a JOB! Now get to looking in the ads!" said Maddie, "I'll have dinner ready in a minute."

Outside of the "house", Cody is laughing his butt off as Brian walks up to him.

"HAHAHA!! Oh this is too rich!" laughed Cody.

"Cody, Tilly just told me that you tricked Stewie and Maddie into thinking they're married," said Brian, "Is this true?"

"Of course not," said Cody.

"SOMETIMES I THINK YOU DON'T EVEN CARE!!" shouted Maddie from inside, "TO THINK THAT I WASTED SOME OF THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE WITH YOU!!"

"Best years- WE'VE BEEN ONLY MARRIED FOR A FREAKING DAY!!" shouted Stewie, "THIS MARRIAGE IS A SHAM!!"

"AND NOW I HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES!!" sobbed Maddie.

"Cody, tell them their marriage isn't real," said Brian.

"Let me think about," said Cody, "Okay I thought about it... no!"

"Okay, I'll tell them myself!" said Brian before he was downed by a tranquillizer dart, "Hey... Where did... you... get.. that?"

"Take a wild guess," said Cody.

Meanwhile at Quagmire's house...

"Ewww! Why did you shoot a spitball at my neck?" asked a random woman.

"Spitball shooter?" asked Quagmire, "This was supposed to be a tranquillizer dart... NO WAIT!!I MEANT-"

But it was too late and he was slapped. A few nights later, the family was all dressed up and getting the house ready for Meg's new friend.

"I feel like such a queer," said Zack as he was wearing a suit and had his hair tied in a ponytail.

"Well I think you look very handsome," said Meg.

"I agree," said Lois, "It makes you look less scruffy and more like a gentleman."

"Yeah, and it makes you look like a queer, too!" laughed Peter.

Meg then licks her tongue and rub Maddie's cheeks with her spit.

"Sweetie, you have a little smudge on your cheek," said Meg all mother like.

"Eww! MOM!!" complained Maddie.

"Meg, your friend is just coming over for dinner," said Lois, "It's not a big deal."

"But tonight has to be perfect," said Meg, "I don't want her to think that I'm some kind of lame-o."

"Oh no, she wouldn't think that at all," said Stewie as he was trying to hold back his laughter,"...Why don't you show her your vast trophy collection of all of your accomplishments," he said as he burst with laughter. Maddie then whacks him on the knee with a stick, Nancy Kerrigan-style.

"OOWWWW!! OWWWW!! OOOOOOWWWW!!" groaned Stewie in pain.

"Reverse domestic violence, dear," said Maddie.

Suddenly the doorbell rings.

"Oh my gosh! That's her!" said Meg in excitement as she ran to the door, "Everybody, look your best!"

"Okay, remember to make her feel welcome," said Lois, "We don't want her to think we're a bunch of weirdos."

"Everyone, this is my friend Raven!" said Meg.

Everyone was looking on in excitement... until she stepped into the room. Everyone was shocked to find out that Meg's friend was a Goth.

"Hey everybody," said Raven "Wow, cool place you got here."

"AAAAHHH!! ZOMBIE!!" screamed Chris.

"Meg, what has your mother and I told you about digging up corpses and forcing them to be your friends?" asked Peter sternly.

"Hey, and they have a sense of humor, too," said Raven.

"Raven, this is my family," said Meg, "These are my parents, Peter and Lois, my brothers, Chris and Stewie, my husband, Zack, my daughter Maddie, and his son Cody."

"I didn't know you were married with kids. I LOVE kids," said Raven as she held Maddie.

"Cool! Can you teach ME how to put jewelry in my mouth?" asked Maddie.

"Wait, where's Brian?" asked Meg.

Meanwhile in a closet, Brian is tied and gagged.

"Um... Hey, there he is!" said Cody.

"Here I am!" said Jasper, Brian's extremely gay cousin who was now naked and had his hair trimmed to look just like Brian, "That's me Brian, that pooch with a wit as dry as his martinis and also apparently dry in bed since I can't keep a woman... OOOH!! I'm so nasty! He'll probably kill me if he heard this."

"Peter... doesn't Brian seem a little strange to you?" asked Lois.

"Oh, I am so loving this Au Naturale look," said Jasper, "Everybody can see Mr. Dangles and everything."

"Seems the same to me," said Peter.

"Um, Meg can we talk to you in the kitchen?" asked Lois, "In private?"

"I'm coming with you," said Zack as he, Lois, Meg, and Peter walked into the kitchen.

"Meg about your friend-" said Lois before she was interrupted.

"I know. Isn't she the best?" asked Meg.

"She seems pretty nice," said Zack, "And it looks like the kids like her, too."

In the living room, Cody walks up to Raven.

"How YOU doin'?" he asked like Joey from _Friends_.

Back in the kitchen...

"Meg, I don't want you hanging out with her," said Lois.

"Why not?" asked Meg.

"Because she's a Goth," said Peter, "And because they do not conform to society's view of normality and act like individuals, they are considered freaks."

"But that's not fair!" said Meg.

"Yeah, I mean, come one!" said Zack, "This the first friend she's had that I didn't need to hold at gun point."

**Flashback**

Up in Meg's room, Meg is talking with her stuffed animals. With Zack standing by the door with his shotgun.

"I was thinking that we could stay up late and have a party," said Meg.

"And I suggest you all stay," threatened Zack, "Unless you all want to do to you what I did to Mr. Potato head last time."

The camera then pans to the microwave with a melted Mr. Potato.

"Wait, Mr. Potato head didn't try to run away," said Meg.

"Well, those removable eyes scare me!!" said Zack.

**End Flashback**

"Meg, I just want the best for you," said Lois.

"Then why won't you let me be Raven's friend?" asked Meg.

"Because she's different!" said Peter.

"No, it's because she might be a bad influence on you," said Lois, "I hear nothing but bad things about Goths. They do nothing but be all depressed, sad, and gloomy and I can't imagine you being like that."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAWait, you're serious aren't you?" asked Zack.

"But she accepts me!" said Meg, "She actually says Meg without adding, 'you're fat' or 'you're ugly' or 'I thought you were a boy' or 'Stop doing that thing with your tongue because I'm not in the mood'."

"Hey, Peter roshamboed me for the remote that night," said Zack, "Let it go already!"

"But Meg, she-" continued Lois.

"I don't care what you guys think about her!" protested Meg, "She accepts me and that's all that matters!"

Meg then walks into the living room to talk to Raven, but sees her about to leave the house.

"Wait, where are you going?" asked Meg, "You just got here."

"I heard you guys arguing," said Raven, "It's about me, isn't it?"

"Raven, it's not what you think," said Meg.

"Meg, it's not your fault," said Raven, "Coming here was a bad idea."

"No, please stay!" begged Meg, "Maybe I can get them to go out or-"

"It's okay. I get this alot," said Raven, "I was just kinda hoping this time would be different."

"Raven, I don't care if you're Goth!" said Meg.

"But they do," said Raven, "And I don't want you to have to go through flack because of it. Goodbye, Meg."

And with that, Raven walks out the house. Meg eyes begin to fill with tears.

"What's going on?" asked Lois as she and the others walked into the room.

"Did you see that?" asked Peter, "She just walked out like that. Some friend you are. Driving her away like that."

"Well, I hope you guys are happy!" said Meg angrily, "She's gone! It's not fair! I don't have friends, you give me crap! I do make a friend, you STILL give me crap! Sometimes I think you guys just don't want me to be happy! I HATE YOU!!"

And with that, Meg runs up to her room, sobbing loudly.

"Oh thanks a lot!" said Zack, "Now I've got to deal with crying sex... AGAIN!"

"I know she seems a little upset, but she'll be thanking us in the long run," said Lois.

"Thanking you?" said Maddie sarcastically, "You just drove away the only friend she ever made. Face it, you guys suck as parents."

"Yeah, sometimes I think Meg would be better off if she was raised by wolves," said Zack.

**Cutaway**

In the deep woods, a pack of wolves are feasting on a deer. Meg then walks into the scene.

"Megan, where have you been?" asked the mother wolf, "You were supposed to hunt with the pack an hour ago."

"Your mother and I were worried sick," said the father wolf, "You better not have been hanging out with that wolf from the other pack."

"But I like Jeremy!" protested Meg.

"I don't want you seeing that boy," said the father wolf.

"Your father is right," said the mother wolf, "He's from that awful rival pack of ours."

"But-"

"As alpha male, I **forbid** you to see him!" said the father, "I'm putting my paw down, young lady!"

"Sometimes, I don't think you guys even care about what I want!" cried Meg as she ran to a cliff on all fours and began to howl at the moon.

"Do you think we were too hard on her, John?" asked the mother.

"Just let her howl, Vivian," said the father, "Just let her howl."

**End Cutaway**

The next afternoon at home, Lois and Peter are in the living room watching TV.

"Meg still hasn't come back from the mall," said Lois, "Do you think she's still mad at us over last night?"

"No, Lois," said Zack as he entered the room, "Meg just happened to have won the lottery and moved to Las Veg- OF COURSE SHE'S STILL MAD AT YOU GUYS!! God, how dense are you people?"

"Dammit, she's still in Quahog," whined Peter, "Thanks for getting my hopes up, Zack."

"I think you guys should try to make it up to her," said Zack, "Spend time with her. Do something that she'd like to do."

"...Let's buy her a puppy so we don't have to interact with her," said Peter.

"Yes, let's," agreed Lois.

Suddenly, Meg walks into the house, but she was now changed. Her hair was dyed a deep dark red, her pink hat was now black with a small skull on it, her lipstick was black, she wore deep dark eyeliner, a spiked choker, a black Metallica T shirt, a black leather skirt, fishnet stockings, and tall black buckled boots.

"Meg?" asked Lois, "What the hell happened to you?"

"Last night, Lois, you made me realize something," said Meg in a deadpan manner, "My life is depressing. I have no friends, my own family doesn't care about me except for two members, and you know what? I just don't care anymore. That's why I have decided to become a Goth."

"...That... is AWESOME!" said Peter.

"Peter... Meg, you aren't a Goth," asked Lois, "You're just a little upset over Raven, but you'll get over it."

"No, Lois, last night was the last straw," said Meg without emotion, "If I can't have a friend, there's no reason for me to even try to conform and look for acceptance. I'm just going to be a loner."

"That's good for you, Meg," said Peter, "Now the death toll will finally lower, now that people won't have to deal with looking at you."

"Normally a statement like that would make me run to my room and cry," said Meg still without emotion, "But not I feel absolutely nothing."

"Really?" asked Peter.

"Oh, and Peter?" asked Meg as Peter looked at her, "Piss off."

Meg then walks out of the room.

"Peter this is awful!" said Lois, "Is our little girl really so miserable that she has to become a soulless Goth?"

"Lois, some things are better left a mystery," said Peter, "Like the REAL reason why Lyman is no longer in the Garfield comic strips."

**Cutaway**

Jon's old mustached roommate, Lyman, walks up to him holding a magazine.

"Is this Vogue?" asked Lyman.

"That's not mine," said Jon.

"But your name and address and everything is on here," said Lyman.

"...Listen, why don't we talk about this in the basement," said Jon.

"Okay then," said Lyman as he walked downstairs.

Jon then picked up a shotgun, cocked it and followed Lyman. Needless to say, he was never seen again.

**End Cutaway**

Later upstairs in Meg's room, Zack enters and to his shock, Meg had changed everything about it. There was almost no lighting at all, the curtains were gothic, the bed sheeting was gothic with a spider design on it, the walls were gothic, and her posters and his were replaced with Horror movie posters.

"Um, wow, I like what you've done with the place," said Zack nervously, "I really like your choice of colors... black and red... and black..."

"My room now represents my soul," said Meg still with no emotion.

"At least let me get my coa- AAAAHHHH!!" screamed Zack as he found a severed head of Connie in the closet.

"Stop screaming like a scaredy cat," said Meg, "That's just a wax head I made."

"Actually I was screaming with joy," said Zack, "Meg we seriously need to talk about your new lifestyle."

"If you're here to convince to give up my gothic lifestlye, you're going to fail," said Meg.

"Oh really?" asked Zack.

"First you'll talk, then notice something attractive about my new look, and we'll have sex," said Meg, "Just like last time."

"That ridiculous," said Zack, "I want to tell you that I liked Raven as much as you did, but this is not way to deal with... Are those fishnet stockings?"

"Okay, let's go," said Meg as she laid down in bed.

Later, Zack walks downstairs to Lois and Peter. Lois then sniffs the air a little.

"Zack, why do you smell like a mixture of sweat, anger, shame, and pleasure," asked Lois.

"I couldn't do it," said Zack, "But I'm thinking that maybe we should give this whole Goth thing a chance."

At that moment, Lois the telephone rings and Lois answers it.

"Hello? Meg's what?!" asked Lois angrily, "Mmmhmmm... I understand... I'll see you about it tomorrow."

"Who was that?" asked Peter.

"That was the principal from Meg's school!" said Lois, "He said that she was suspended!"

"Wonder what she was suspended for?" asked Zack.

Meanwhile at the school gym, Connie was tied to a cross hanging from the ceiling.

"God, I really need to stop being a bitch to Meg," said Connie.

Meanwhile at Olivia's house, Maddie is speaking with her friend about what's going on with her life.

"So according to Chinese customs, we're married," said Maddie.

"Wow, that is a big problem," said Olivia, "Have you thought about getting a divorce?"

"I did," said Maddie, "But I don't want to divorce without a reason."

"...Well maybe if he caught you cheating with someone..." said Olivia.

"That's it!" said Maddie, "I'll have him catch me cheating on him. I just need to find someone who'll do it. Someone who I know closely. Someone who has a crush on me! Someone who will kiss a girl!"

"You mean?" asked Olivia as her eyes lit up.

"That's right!" said Maddie, "I'm getting Bertram!"

"Oh... Bertram," said Olivia in disappointment.

"What?" asked Maddie, "Who did you thought I meant?"

"Never mind," said Olivia.

Meanwhile at Chuck E. Cheese's, Stewie, Cody, and CJ are hanging out, having a few pizzas.

"Dude, what's wrong?" asked Cody, "You haven't touched your pizza at all."

"What's wrong?" asked Stewie, "I'm freaking married is what's wrong! And to my niece, no less!"

"Dude, cheer up," said Cody, "It ain't that bad. You've just lost all of your male freedom is what it is."

It's not just that," said Stewie, "All the women in my life has betrayed me in one way or another. Liddane, Olivia, Janet..."

"Dude, they didn't betray you," said CJ, "You betrayed them."

"What the deuce do you mean?" asked Stewie.

"Think about it," said CJ, "You got Liddane fired, you were being bad to Olivia and caused her to cheat on you, and Janet... You just didn't have the cookies."

"My god, you're right!" said Stewie, "I've been driving away the women I loved without realizing it. Maddie could be my last redemption. I won't let her get away! I'M COMING MADELINE!!" he shouts as he runs from out of the restaurant.

"...Holy crap!" said Cody, "That's his freaking niece! I've gotta stop him before he does something stupid!"

Cody then runs out of the restaurant after Stewie. CJ then begins to eat the rest of the pizza all by himself.

"I'm so smart, it's criminal," said CJ.

Meanwhile, Lois, Peter, and Zack are walking up to Raven's house.

"This is all that Raven's fault!" said Lois angriy, "Corrupting her with her gothicism! Well I'm going to have a talk with that girl!

They ring the doorbell, and Raven answers it.

"Oh, it's you people," said Raven disdainfully, "I can't be a 'freak' at my own house, either?"

"You corrupted our Meg!" said Peter angrily.

"Oh really?" asked Raven, "I thought that was your job."

"Don't give us that!" said Lois, "We love our daughter!"

"Yeah! She loves our daughter!" said Peter.

"And we only want the best for her," said Lois.

"Well if that's true, then why won't you let me be her friend?" asked Raven.

"Because of your ways!" said Lois, "Thanks to you, she's a depressed and mopey Goth."

"Oh really?" asked Zack, "You mean to tell me that she's always been happy and that you've treated her right?"

"Of course!" said Lois, "She's our daughter!"

"We've never done anything terrible to her," said Peter.

"Oh? ROLL THE CLIPS!!" shouted Zack.

**Flashback # 1**

"Dear Diary," read Lois, "Kevin is so hot. Today he was out in the yard raking leaves. God I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves."

The family then laughs as Meg enters the room.

"Hey, what's everybody- Oh my god! My diary!" said Meg in horror, "I hate you all!!"

She then runs out of the room sobbing.

"Keep going," said Peter.

**Flashback # 2**

During the boating race.

"We gotta lose some extra weight!" said Peter, "Quick, everyone take off your clothes."

"It's working," said Brian.

"We just need a little more," said Peter as he tosses Meg off.

"AAHHH" she screams.

"We love you, honey," said Lois.

**Flashback # 3**

"Hey everybody! Brian's the new Meg," laughed Lois.

"Brian's the new Meg! Brian's the new Meg!" sang Chris.

"Yeah, you're the new me!" said Meg.

"Shut up, Meg," said Peter.

**Flashback # 4**

"Hi dad-" said Meg before she was shot by Peter.

**End Flashbacks**

"I'd hit you right now, but my arm is sore from hitting you all the time," said Zack.

"Wow... I never knew we made her THAT miserable," said Lois.

"Listen, if Meg's as depressed as you say she is, let me help her," said Raven.

"I don't know..." said Lois.

"You have to trust me," said Raven.

"...Okay, I'll trust you," said Lois.

"Perfect, because I have a plan..." said Raven as she whispered to the family.

Exactly what is the plan? That's for later. Meanwhile, back in Stewie and Maddie's cardboard home, Maddie has Bertram over.

"Okay, so I get to kiss you just to make Stewie mad?" asked Bertram.

"That's pretty much it," said Maddie.

"Then what the hell are we waiting for?" asked Bertram.

"I think I'm having second thoughts," said Maddie, "I still remember what Stewie did to Olivia... You know, burned her alive?"

"Oh c'mon, just one kiss!" said Bertram as he tried to force himself onto her.

"Bertram, get off me!" said Maddie in frustration.

At that moment, Stewie bursts through the door.

"Maddie! We have to talk- What the deuce?" asked Stewie as he found Maddie with Bertram.

"Stewie! It's not what you think!" said Maddie.

"It's exactly what I think!" said Stewie, "Bertram has caught you vulnerable and is using you to get to me! You keep your hands off my niece and wife you swine!"

Stewie then tackles Bertram and they both get into a fist fight. They both strike each other in the head, trading blows until Stewie gains the upper hand and pummels Bertram bloody.

"Stewie! Are you okay?" asked Maddie.

"I'm fine," said Stewie, "Listen, I know it's weird and you're my niece, but I want to give this marriage thing a chance."

"But why?" asked Maddie.

"I've already lost a bunch of important women in my life," said Stewie, "I guess I'm afraid of losing you, too."

"Yes, but this is incest!" said Maddie, "It'll never work!... But since we are bound 'till death do us part..."

"Just think about it," said Stewie, "You and me, side by side, ruling the world as king and queen! I'll even change your DNA so we aren't related!"

"Hey guys!" panted Cody as he entered the room, "You wanna hear something really, really, really, really, reeeeeally funny about the Chinese marriage thing?"

"Yes, what about it?" asked Stewie.

"I made it all up," laughed Cody, "HAHAHAHAHA!! Isn't it just so darn FUNNY? I mean, it was just so funny in a humorous, funny, harmless, please don't kill Cody kind of way, huh?"

"...You mean, I almost fell in love with my own freaking niece?!" Asked Stewie angrily as his blood began to boil.

"...And I almost let Bertram kiss me all for NOTHING?!" asked Maddie likewise.

"C'mon, it was just a joke, right?" asked Cody nervously.

"Here's a joke for you," said Stewie, "What has black hair, no teeth, and a broken spine?"

"I dunno..." said Cody.

"Let's find out!" said Maddie as she and Stewie jumped him.

The camera then cuts to an exterior to the cardboard house. With the sounds of pummeling.

"OW!! MY RIBS!!" shouted Cody in pain, "OW!! MY SPINE!! NO NOT THE FACE!! OUCH!! THAT DOESN'T BEND THAT WAY!! NOOOOO!! ANKLE LOOOOOOCK!! Hey a Dollar! STOP TWISTING IT!!"

Later that night, Meg is walking in a graveyard alone with a note in her hand. The note read: "Meet me at the graveyard. We have to talk. Signed Raven. P.S. I think I left my right glove at your house when I was there. I really wish your parents didn't make me leave or I'd still have it. God, I hate that bitch. And your mother's annoying, too." Anyway, Meg makes it to the middle of the graveyard to see Raven and a bunch of other Goths hanging out on the tombstones.

"You wanted to see me about something?" asked Meg.

"Yes," said Raven, "Word on the streets is that you've become a Goth."

"Yes, and don't bother trying to change me," said Meg.

"Oh by no means," said Raven.

"Yeah, you're one of us, now," said one of the male Goths.

"Not quite," said Raven, "We're all about to do something wicked and if you can do it, you'll become one of us."

"And what's that?" asked Meg.

"Well because our lives are so depressing we're going to cut ourselves," said a female Goth.

"You mean, suicide?" asked Meg.

"Of course," said Raven, "I mean you have nothing to live for, right?"

Raven then hands Meg a razor blade. Meg just looks at it emotionlessly and brings it to her wrist.

"Um... here goes," said Meg unsurely. At that moment, images of Zack and Maddie flashed into her mind. Then Lois, then Chris, then Stewie, then Brian, and then... and then... Homer, _"No... that's not it..."_ she thought and then Peter showed up. She then dropped the razor blade, "I can't do it. I can't even be a decent Goth to fit in."

"Meg, being a Goth isn't all about suicide and depression," said Raven, "And you don't need to be a Goth to be my friend."

"Yeah, too bad it has to be vice versa," said Meg.

"No it doesn't," said Lois as she came from behind the tombstone, "Raven, I'm sorry about how I treated you. You're obviously a good person, and good enough to be Meg's friend."

"Thanks Mrs. Griffin," said Raven, "Alright, guys, show's over," she said as she saw that all of her Goth friends had cut themselves, "AW, GODDAMMIT!! See, this is why I was looking for new friends."

"I feel sorry for the poor soul who has to clean this mess," said Lois as she and the others walked away.

The next afternoon in the living room, The Griffins, Murdocks, and Raven were all watching TV together. Suddenly the doorbell rings, and Meg answers. There stood Liddane.

"Liddane?" asked Meg, "What are you doing here?"

"Listen, I wanted to apologize for ditching you the other night," said Liddane, "I guess the peer pressure got to me."

"Really?" asked Meg, "What changed your mind?"

"Raven over there told me how good a person you are," said Liddane, "So I want to give you a chance. How about we hang out at the mall?"

"Really?" asked Meg, "No fooling? You wanna come too, Raven?"

"Only if we stop by Hot Topic to make fun of the emos," said Raven as they walked away and left.

"Well, I'd say we all learned something today," said Peter.

"I know I did," said Lois, "I learned not to judge a book by its cover. I also learned that Meg is a person just like us and deserves respect."

"...You're going to forget this by the next episode, aren't you?" asked Zack.

"Probably," said Peter.

"You know, I can't help but thinking I forgot something," said Cody wrapped in bandages.

Meanwhile in the closet, Brian is still tied up, smelling like urine, and cussing.

"Oh crap, I forgot Brian!" said Cody.

"That's not the only thing you forgot," said Japer, "Now where's my f(bleep)king paycheck?"

**End Chapter**


	27. Dance Your Heart Out

**Chapter 27: Dance Your Heart Out**

_(Now spellchecked and hopefully error free, thanks to Ander Arias.)_

One afternoon inside the Griffin home, infants, Stewie and Maddie, were watching Sesame Street. It was the "One of These Things" game.

**Cutaway to TV**

_One of these things is not like the other._

_One of these things just doesn't belong_

_Can you tell which thing is not like the others_

_By the time I finish this song?_

There was a fourway split screen consisting of three white guys and a black guy.

"Do you see the difference?" asked an unseen voice, "Three of the men are... Christians. The white man in the bottom left is a Jew."

**End Cutaway**

"Damn! I was wrong!" said Stewie, "I thought it was the white guy on the top left because he was wearing a polo shirt!"

"This game is surprisingly racist," said Maddie, "They said 'Jew'."

Then and there, Meg, Zack, Peter, and Lois walked into the living room.

"I can't believe you got us reservations to Chez A'more," said Meg.

"I hear that place is so expensive," said Lois.

"Nothing's too good for my baby," said Zack as he kissed Meg.

"That place is always booked," said Lois, "How on earth were you able to get reservations?"

"Let's just say that I'm a very good negotiator," said Peter.

**Flashback**

Peter is on the phone with the guy who usually takes down reservations.

"I'm sorry, sir but we're booked," said the man.

"Is there an opening yet?" asked Peter.

"No," said the Man.

"Is there an opening yet?"

"No."

"Is there an opening yet?"

"No."

"Is there an opening yet?"

"No!"

"Is there an opening yet?"

"NO!"

"Is there an opening yet?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

"Is there an opening yet?"

"Look, if I give you one, will you PLEASE leave me alone?" he asked angrily.

"Perhaps," said Peter.

"Fine, fine," he said as he crossed out Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise, and Katie Holmes and wrote down The Griffins and The Murdocks.

**End Flashback**

"Cool! So we eat tonight?" asked Maddie.

"_You're_ not coming with us," said Meg, "Just me, your father, and your grandparents."

"Why not?" asked Maddie, "You won't even know I was there!"

"Your father and I want to spend some time together," said Meg, "And we both agreed not to ever take you with us to a restaurant ever again."

"Remember last time with your little 'show'?" asked Zack.

**Flashback**

Many nights ago at a fancy restaurant, Maddie is causing a scene.

"What's the heck this stuff?" she asked, "I don't want it!"

"Eat your food and be quiet!" said Meg.

"No! I want a Happy Meal!" shouted Maddie, "I want a toy and food with grease on everything!.. including the toy!"

"Maddie, cut it out!" said Zack, "You're causing a scene!!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!" screamed Maddie to the top of her lungs as she gained the attention of every other patron.

"C'mon, let's go," said Zack as he carried Maddie and began to leave.

"Hey, I was eating that," said Maddie.

**End Flashback**

"So you better behave when Liddane gets here to babysit you," said Meg.

"Fine..." said Maddie in disappointment.

Just then, the phone begins to ring and Peter answers it.

"Hello?" Peter asked.

"Mr. Griffin? This is Liddane," said Liddane, "I'm afraid I can't babysit Stewie and Maddie tonight."

"Why? What happened?" asked Peter.

"Something came up," said Liddane sheepishly, "Something... personal."

"What? Is a relative sick or something?" asked Peter.

"It's... my time of the month" said Liddane.

"Oohhhhh," said Peter, "Don't worry. I'll be discrete with them."

"Thanks, Mr. Griffin. You're the best," said Liddane as she hung up.

"Liddane can't make it," said Peter, "She's dying her panties red right now."

"...Why is she doing that?" asked Maddie.

"You see, Madeline, when a girl gets older, they go through certain changes," said Peter.

"Oh my God! PETER!!" shouted Zack as he covered Maddie's ears.

"Great, and there's no other babysitter in town that we trust," said Meg, "Looks like we'll have to cancel."

"We can't cancel!" said Zack, "Those reservations were a bitch to get. We'll take her with us! I'm sure she'll behave herself, this time."

"I guess," said Meg, "It's just going to be her and Stewie. I mean, it's not like we have another kid to worry about."

As if right on cue, the doorbell rings. Zack answers and there stands his ex, Nikki and their son Cody.

"Hey, Zack, can you watch Cody for me for the night 'kay thanx," said Nikki quickly.

"What? I can't watch him!" said Zack, "I have plans!"

"Zack, quit being so selfish," said Nikki, "Parenting is a two way street and it's not all about the parent. Now if you'll excuse _me_, _I_ can't be late for _my_ date with _my_ boyfriend by _myself_!"

"Wait a minute!" said Zack before Nikki dashed out the door and drove off.

"So, whatcha guys doing?" asked Cody, "Going someplace special?"

Later that night at, a pizza delivery boy is at the Griffin house front door. And Zack was giving him a tip. Inside, there was a lot of noise going on as a movie was playing.

"Babysitter and your ex wrecked your evening again?" asked the delivery boy.

"Oh yeah," said Zack.

Well, see ya," said the delivery boy as he was about to get into his car, but then sees Adam West running at him with a cat launcher, "Oh crap!"

"Get back here, you Canadian bacon pizza.. person!" shouted West, "Feel the wrath of Paul!"

Later that night, Meg and Zack are in bed speaking with each other.

"So the kids are tucked in?" asked Zack.

"Yup," said Meg, "Maybe we couldn't have dinner, but we can have _dessert_."

"Oh baby!" said Zack as he and Meg began to make out.

Then at that very moment, Maddie runs into the room screaming loudly as jumps onto the bed.

"What's wrong?" asked Maddie.

"He's going to get me!" shouted Maddie.

"Who?" asked Zack.

"One handed Jim!" said Maddie, "Cody told me us a scary story abut him!"

"Cody, get in here!" shouted Zack as his son entered, "Did you tell your sister a scary story about 'One handed Jim'?"

"Of course not. I told her a scary story about One handed Jim with A HOOK FOR A HAND!!" shouted Cody as he pulled out a hook.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!" screamed Maddie as she clutched onto Meg.

"HAHAHAHA!! Well, goodnight," laughed Cody as he left.

"I'm scared. Can I sleep with you guys?" asked Maddie.

"Maddie, One handed Jim isn't real," said Meg.

"You see, that's the great thing about being an adult," said Zack, "We adults don't believe in that ghost story crap."

"AAHHHH!! ONE HANDED JIM'S GONNA GET ME!!" screamed Peter as he burst into the room, "Can I sleep with you guys?"

"Uuuuuuugh..." groaned Zack as he placed his palm onto his face.

The next morning in the kitchen, Lois and Peter are happily discussing their night out, while Meg and Zack are miserably discussing their night in.

"You know, we've passed by that place a lot," said Peter, "But I've never been inside it."

"I know," said Lois, "The food, the atmosphere, the entertainment... It was just all so wonderful."

"Last night sucked!" said Meg, "I swear to God, if I have to sit through friggin _Jingle All the Way_ starring Arnold Schwartzenegger one more time..."

"Well I'm sorry, Meg, but that's what comes with the responsibility of being a parent," said Lois, "Sometimes you just have to make sacrifices."

"We know," said Zack, "It's just that we hardly get to spend any time with each other, anymore. Between Meg going to school, me going to work, taking care of Maddie and sometimes Cody, Peter's antics, sometimes running into Lucifer, an evil robot who looks like Lois, a cursed totem, the steroid abuse, telekinesis, defective rogaine, dumping Connie's body, Maddie getting blood poisoning, pumpkins, the Boogeyman, my father's recent passing, and Batman, there just isn't free time left."

In the living room, Maddie is eavesdropping on their conversation.

"They're right. Mom and dad never do anything romantic anymore," said Maddie, "They're always too busy taking care of me and being my parents... Somehow this is _your_ fault, Cody."

"My fault?" asked Cody, "How is this my fault I barely got to see my father! I was always stuck alone with my mother!"

"And now you're just being selfish, turning this into you," said Maddie, "Anyway, mom seems pretty sad."

"Maddie, cows don't have feelings," said Stewie, "Cows are just meat and that's what your mother is. A big fat piece of meat with glasses and a whiney attitude. Oh let's call a farmer and see what happens!"

"Shut up!" said Maddie, "Brian, what do you think we should do?"

"I dunno," said Brian, "Maybe they need some time away or something."

"Hey, that's a good idea," said Maddie, "A vacation! I'll try to raise money so they can go on vacation! Brian, how much do plane tickets cost for Hawaii?"

"Up to 800 bucks a ticket," said Brian.

"800 bucks?! I can't make that much!" said Maddie, "Not even with my elite money making skills!"

**Flashback**

Maddie has a lemonade stand set up in front of her house. Adam West walks by and takes notice.

"Hello there, Elizabeth," said West, "I see you have a lemonade stand."

"Would you like some lemonade, Mr. West?" asked Maddie, "Only one dollar."

"Well, I do like lemonade," said West as he paid Maddie the dollar and drank it, "That's some good lemonade. Thanks."

Maddie then adds pink food coloring to the lemonade.

"Would you like some pink lemonade, Mr. West?" asked Maddie.

"Pink lemonade?" asked West, "I have always been curious as to what pink lemons tasted like."

West then pays Maddie and drinks his lemonade. Maddie then adds blue food color which turns the lemonade blue. Don't ask why the colors aren't mixing... please.

"Would you like some blue lemonade?" asked Maddie.

"Blue lemonade?" asked West, "I have always been curious as to what blue lemons taste like."

West then pays Maddie and drinks his lemonade. Maddie then adds red food color which turns the lemonade red.

"Would you like some red lemonade?" asked Maddie.

"Red lemonade?" asked West, "I have always been curious as to what red lemons taste like."

**End Flashback**

"How much did you make?" asked Brian.

"200 dollars," said Maddie, "But I got tired by the time I got to burgundy."

"Well it seems that we need to think of a way to send them on a vacation," said Cody, "But how? Think, Cody. Think."

"Do you need to think of a way to send your parents on a vacation?" asked Tom Tucker from the TV.

"Who the hell turned on the TV? We need to think!" said Cody as he was about to turn it off.

"No, wait! That could be your answer!" said Stewie as he stopped him and turned up the TV.

**Cutaway to the TV**

"Well then you're in luck," said Diane, "Because my co-anchor, Tom here, will be hosting the annual Quahog dance contest"

"That's right, Diane," said Tom "The dance contest allows people to dance their hearts out either for fun or in a feeble attempt to make people notice then."

"And the grand prize will be an all expense paid trip to France!" said Diane, "Wow, I almost wish I was competing!"

"Well, you'd need to learn how to dance, first," said Tom, "But because you dance like a drunken Britney Spears on crack, I don't see that happening anytime soon.

"Go to hell, Tom," said Diane through a fake smile.

**End Cutaway**

"I think I've got it!" said Stewie.

"What? That you've finally come to realize that you're the end result of Dr. Wily dry humping a really gay football?" asked Cody.

"Oh no, illegitimate love child of Beetlejuice and Jack Skellington," said Stewie, "We need to get the cow and the mop into that contest!"

"Stewie, you're my favorite uncle and I love you," said Maddie sincerely, "That said, you act like a f(bleep)king douchebag sometimes... But I like that idea."

"I dunno..." said Brian warily, "You sure you want to do this?"

"Brian, you worry too much," said Maddie, "They dance, win, and get a vacation. Hey, at least it's not a reality show where one of the challenges involve watching Stewie's viral video."

**Flashback**

Stewie is dancing naked on the screen of a youtube video with the word "What" painted onto his buttcheeks.

_"I said what what, in the butt."_

_"I said what what, in the butt."_

_"I said what what, in the butt."_

_"I said what what, in the butt."_

_"Do you want it in my-"_

Maddie and Brian are watching this in front of a computer monitor. They both pull out hand guns and move them slowly towards their heads...

**End Flashback**

"God, I want to unsee that so bad," said Brian.

A few weeks later, Lois is looking throughout the mail when she finds one addressed to both Meg and Zack.

"Meg, you and Zack just got a letter," said Lois as she handed them their mail.

Peter then snatches the letter from them and swings his arms back and forth.

"We just got a letter! We just got a letter! We just got a letter! I wonder who it's from?" sang Peter as Blues Clues music played from nowhere.

"For the thousandth time, stop doing that with my mail," said Zack as he took the letter back.

"It says that we've been accepted for the Quahog Dance Contest," said Meg, "Wait, I don't remember signing up for the contest."

"Neither do I," said Zack.

"Oh yeah, that was me," said Maddie as she entered the room.

"You signed us on?" asked Zack.

"What the heck have we told you about forgery?" asked Meg frustrated.

"It wasn't forgery!" said Maddie, "I wrote down the truth about you guys... except for the stuff we didn't know. We took creative liberties with those."

**Flashback**

Maddie and Stewie are writing down the applications.

"How do you spell brewery worker?" asked Maddie.

"I don't know," said Stewie, "Why don't you look it up?"

"Ah, sod it," said Maddie as she jotted down _Space Marine._

**End Flashback**

"Why didn't you ask us about this?" asked Zack.

"Because it was a surprise!" said Maddie, "The grand prize is a vacation to France and I thought you guys deserved a nice romantic vacation alone."

"Aw... That's so sweet of you, honey," said Meg, "I've always wanted to go to France."

"This is great," said Peter, "This'll be just like when Lois and I were on the Newlywed Game."

**Flashback**

A much younger Lois and Peter are on the Newlywed game along with two other newly married couples. It was time for the "That's My Wife" segment.

"I'm going to say a statement," said the host, "And if you think that statement is about your wife, you raise up your sign and yell, 'That's My Wife.'"

"Gotcha," said Peter.

"Okay here's the first statement," said the host, "'My favorite movie is Casablanca.'"

"THAT'S MY WIFE!" shouted Peter and the husband to the right.

"Peter, that's wrong. The point goes to Bob," said the host, "Here's the next one: 'Wrestling alligator's isn't just a passtime. It's a way of life'."

"THAT'S MY WIFE!!" shouted Peter and the husband to his left.

"Peter, you're wrong again," said the host, "The point goes to Rick. Oh, now here's an easy one: 'My name is Lois.'"

"..." Peter just sits there as he looks at the other husbands.

"Peter, that was your wife," said the host.

"Her name's _Lois_?" asked Peter, "No wonder Luis sounded too weird for a girl's name..."

**End Flashback**

"This sounds easy enough," said Zack with confidence, "We go on that contest, dance and take first prize."

"Well, except for one minor detail," said Meg, "I'm a terrible dancer! I can't dance at all!"

"Meg, it's not hard to dance," said Lois, "All you just need is a little practice."

"Yeah, you just need to practice," said Peter, "But if that doesn't work for you, we can add dancing to the list of other things you suck at such as acting, making friends, playing instruments, sports, and looking pretty."

"Wow... thanks for the encouragement..." said Meg sarcastically.

"Anytime," said Peter.

A few weeks later, Meg and Zack were practicing the tango in the living room while Lois was playing music on the piano to help them. They were doing just fine at first, but when Zack dips Meg, she lifts one leg too high and kicks Zack in the face.

"Ouch!" shouted Zack as he dropped Meg and grabbed onto his bleeding lip.

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry," said Meg as she got up and accidentally stepped onto his foot, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"It's alright. Maybe tango isn't our thing," said Zack, "But at least we did better than we did with swing dancing," he said pointing to a bunch of boarded up holes in the shape of Zack that were on the walls the windows and the ceiling.

"Maybe dancing just isn't MY thing," said Meg sadly.

"C'mon, Meg, just a little more practice," said Lois.

"But we've been practicing for weeks and I haven't gotten any better!" complained Meg, "I suck at dancing. I'm just going to go to room and do the only thing I am good at doing... being a big fat crying loser!"

Meg then runs upstairs and cries.

"You're not doing it right!" shouted Peter, "You have to have your head lowered when running upstairs."

"GOD I EVEN SUCK AT _THAT_, TOO!!" sobbed Meg.

"Poor Meg..." said Lois, "She tries so hard..."

"If only there was a way to make her better," said Zack.

"Forget about it," said Peter, "Meg sucks. I tell ya' she's more hopeless than the Youtube community. Although that new comment preview function might help."

"Peter, that's the Youtube community," said Brian, "I don't really think this'll help."

Meanwhile in a college dorm, a frat boy is about to post a comment on Youtube.

"This'll show 'em good!" he chuckled to himself.

He wanted to press reply but pressed preview comment instead because that's where the reply button used to be.

_"Ur vidyo sux you gay fag. Ur mom h8s u n ur dad was raped by a chicken wing. LOL roflcopter roflcakes LMAO LMFAO LOLOLOLOL !!1!!1 Bewbs!!1!"_

"Oh my god... I'm an idiot..." said the frat as he slowly walked away from the computer and sat in a corner, "I've been wasting my whole life when I could've been doing something productive!"

The frat boy then sobs loudly. Back at the Griffin house...

"Well, the dance contest is tonight," said Lois, "Are you going to forfeit?"

"No," said Zack, "But I think I know how to fix this..."

Later the family is walking around the Channel 5 studio with a tour guide being led to the dance room floor.

"And here we have the news studio," said the tour guide, "As you can see, Diane is taking care of the news since Tom will be hosting the show. Let's move along, shall we."

The group walks off, but Stewie and Maddie stay behind and enter the newsroom. Then then sneak into the teleprompter room.

"How do we get them out of here," asked Maddie.

"What's the most clever way to clear a room full of men?" Stewie asked himself, "Ah, I've got it... DIANE'S DRESSING ROOM IS UNLOCKED!!"

"Oh my gosh!" said one of the workers, "That means undies and panties and makeup!"

"Sweet, sweet makeup!" said another as they all rushed out.

"Stewie, what are you doing?" asked Maddie as she noticed her uncle fiddling with the controls.

"Messing with the teleprompter," said Stewie, "I'm gonna make Diane say random stuff like doody, and butt, and penis, and boogers, and Tom Bosley."

"Stewie, we could get in REAL trouble if we get caught," said Maddie.

"C'mon, I'll let you write on it first," said Stewie, "Wasn't there something you've wanted the whole city to hear on TV?"

"Hmmm..." thought Maddie.

On the newsfloor where Diane is telling the news...

"...But then he found out the condom was really a bagel," said Diane, "In other news Eliza Pinchley D'amico is a stupid, yellow toothed crumpet eating loser, and that if you ever see her, please disable her voice box and throw stones at her. You'll be doing humanity a HUGE favor. Also, Connie has AIDS so every teenage male in Quahog must to be checked."

Back in the teleprompter room, Stewie and Maddie are laughing their asses off.

"Oh let me do the next one," said Stewie.

Back on the newsfloor...

"Meanwhile the ambassador of Pakistan visited the President," said Diane, "When Bush told the ambassador that he didn't know he had a secret weapon, the ambassador just said 'That's Mama Luigi to you, Mario'. Wait, I've just received word that the Stewie Griffin has become the Earth's pimp. He has great haxxor skillz and is wicked hawt. Also I say random stuff like doody, and butt, and penis, and boogers, and Tom Bosley... Alright, who's messing with the f(bleep)king teleprompter?"

"Ms. Simmon's... I don't think you should be cursing like that," said the cameraman.

"I shouldn't be f(bleep)king cursing?!" asked Diane angrily, "Somebody's in the f(bleep)king teleprompter room writing sh(bleep)t on the f(bleep)king teleprompter and you're telling ME not to f(bleep)king curse?"

"...Ms. Simmons, this is a live feed," said the cameraman as Diane opens her mouth in horror.

Meanwhile, Lois enters the teleprompter room and picks up the kids.

"There you are," said Lois, "The contest is about to start," she then notices Diane angrily throwing papers and screaming, "My, how unprofessional. She needs to be reading the teleprompter."

They get to the dance room studio where they meet Cody.

"Hi, Lois," said Cody.

"Cody? What are you doing here?" asked Lois.

"What? I wanted to see Dad and Meg perform," said Cody.

"But what about your mother?" asked Lois, "Does she know about this?"

"I already got that taken care of," said Cody.

Meanwhile at his apartment, Nikki is sitting on the couch watching TV with a flour sack that has a smiley face painted onto it.

"You haven't moved from that spot or whined about me not feeding you or anything," said Nikki, "I like it."

Back at the studio...

"The sad part is _neither_ of us are trying anymore," said Cody.

They finally arrive at the center stage where they that Meg and Zack are being greeted by Tom Tucker.

"So you must be the Murdocks," said Tom, "I'm sure we've met before, but I'm going to pretend we didn't because that's what some people on TV do: They ignore continuity."

"Ummm... Okay..." said Zack unsurely.

"So, Zack, tell me about your job as a Space Marine," said Tom.

"Space Marine?" asked Zack in confusion.

"Yes it was in your application," said Tom as Zack looked at a grinning Maddie, "How is it different from being a regular marine?"

"Oh, its um, very different," said Zack, "When you're a Space Marine, you get to be a Marine in space, whereas when you're a regular Marine, you do not get to be a Marine in space."

"Wow, that IS very different, indeed," said Tom in awe, "Now how about you, Meg. Tell me what it's like to be a Sea Cow."

"Well, Tom- Wait, Sea Cow?" asked Meg.

"Sea Cow?" asked Maddie angrily to Stewie, "I thought we agreed on Olympic swimmer!"

"Sea Cow, Meg the Olympic swimmer, same thing," said Stewie apathetically before Cody punched him, "I have a black eye, but it was worth it."

"Well, I suggest you get yourselves ready and meet the other contestants," said Tom as he left.

"I don't know about this," said Meg nervously, "I'm starting to think this is a bad idea."

"Meg Griffin?" asked an obnoxiously familiar female voice.

"Oh crap," said Maddie, "Please don't be Connie. Please don't be Connie. Please don't be Connie. Please don-"

"I thought this was a dance contest, not a be-stood-up-for-a-dance contest," said Connie smugly, "You know, something that _you're_ good at?"

"GODDAMMIT!!" shouted Maddie in frustration as she covered her face.

"Hey, Meg. Is it me or did this studio suddenly catch AIDS?" asked Zack pointing to Connie.

"Wow, Shaggy. Where'd you learn that one from? The internet?" asked Connie sarcastically.

"You mean the same place where YOU learned what you wanted to be when you grow up?" asked Zack, "You know, Horse-faced Whores Dot Com?"

"What are you doing here?" asked Meg.

"Well, as you remembered that brat of yours took the Little Miss Toddler contest," said Connie, "She won on a technicality."

"And Eliza didn't, so what's your point?" taunted Maddie.

"Had it not been for that stupid juice, Eliza could've won easily," said Connie, "But it doesn't matter now, because I'm going to have my revenge when I win this contest."

"Oh and by the way Madeline," said Eliza, "My teeth are not yellow. They're a creamy butterscotch."

"Big difference," said Cody rolling his eyes, "Next thing you'll tell me is that the green one in the back is a mint."

"What green tooth in the back?" asked Eliza as she looked in a mirror.

"Haha! He made you look," said Maddie, "Good one, bro."

"Thanks..." said Cody, "...HOOK!!" he shouted as he pulled out a hook for a hand, scaring both Maddie and Eliza.

"So who's your dance partner?" asked Meg, "Some tall blonde, tanned handsome guy so you can one up me."

"No, someone else," said Connie, "Neil! Come over here."

"You rang?" asked Neil Goldman.

"Neil?!" laughed Meg, "You picked NEIL?!"

"Oh my GOD!!" laughed Zack, "I knew you were stupid, but oh MAN!!"

Neil then began to do the moonwalk, spun around, jumped and did the splits.

"Booya..." said Neil.

"Big deal," said Zack, "I could do that if I wanted to... If I felt like it."

"Wait, why are you joining up with Connie?" asked Meg.

"Well, Meg," said Neil, "Since you've spurned me time and again over this... Neanderthal, I've decided to hook up with someone who appreciates me, right Connie?"

"Don't touch me," said Connie as she gripped his arm tightly, "Remember our agreement. If we win this, you get to touch my boobs."

"Sweet," said Neil

"But you have to wear these," she continued as she handed him a pair of oven mitts that had another pair of oven mitts inside of them, "See you in last place, losers."

"Big deal!" said Meg, "We can totally beat them! You and me, right, Zack? We'll take them on."

"Meg, listen," said Zack, "I don't know how to tell you this, but... you're not going to be in this contest."

"What?" asked Meg, "But the panel says Zack and MEG!"

"I want you to meet your replacement... Meg," said Zack.

"Hi Zack!" said the fake blonde replacement Meg from the reality show, "It's me, your ever loving, self conscious, fat wife, Meg."

"You're... replacing me?" asked Meg in horror.

"I'm sorry, but you haven't really improved in the last three weeks," said Zack, "Plus she's a much better dancer so I figured..."

"You're replacing ME?! Your own WIFE?!" asked Meg angrily, "How could you?"

"By finding a much more attractive girl and putting your clothes on her," said Peter.

"Shut up," said Zack, "Meg, sometimes to save the hand you have to cut off a finger and have it replaced."

"So I'm a finger, huh? Well I guess I'm this one!" she said as she flipped him off and ran away crying.

"Oh, poor Meg," said Lois.

"It's okay," said Replacement Meg, "I'll get over it."

"I feel awful," said Zack.

"Well you should," said Lois, "What you did to her was inexcusable, terrible, and down right dirty."

"Wait a minute! That's not fair!" said Zack, "Everybody pulls this crap all the time towards Meg and nobody even turns around. Yet I do it, I'm suddenly the villain!"

"Well it's that I don't expect this kind of crap from you," said Lois, "Peter? Yes, but not you!"

"Well it doesn't matter," said Zack, "We'll win and I'm going to make it up to her with that vacation."

"Well if you do win that vacation, you'll be going alone!" said Lois angrily as she walked away.

"Whatever! I didn't do anything wrong?" asked Zack, "...Did I?"

"Replacing Meg?" asked Peter, "Replacing your own wife with a much more competent dancer in order to win a vacation for her? Don't see harm?"

"I guess not," said Zack, "You ready?"

"Of course! Now let's go out there and win that contest!" said Replacement Meg.

"Shut up, Meg," said Zack.

Now on the stage, Tom Tucker is about to introduce the contest to the entire audience,

"Hello everybody, I'm Tom Tucker hosting the live annual Quahog Dance competition," said Tom, "Tonight, two lucky winners will receive an all expense paid trip to Paris France if they are favored by the judges. Now, dancers will be judged by three different criteria's: style, grace, and the sluttiness of the female dancer's costume. Now let's get this contest started, shall we? Our first contestants are Glen Quagmire and Valarie Murdock."

Both Quagmire and Valarie take center stage, both dressed in salsa attire.

"Remember the agreement," said Valarie, "Keep your hands to yourself."

"Gotcha," said Quagmire.

Salsa music begins to play as Quagmire grabs Valarie's hand and dances close with her. They begin to ballroom dance a bit and then Valarie shakes her hips. Quagmire just stares for a minute and then puts his hands on Valarie's ass. Valarie gasped in shock and delivered a bone shattering thwack to Quagmire's jaw.

"Oooh... And that's going to shave off some points," said Tom.

"I'm bleeding... I can't feel my lower jaw... And I'm about to black out..." said Quagmire, "...BUT IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT!! GIGGITY, GIGGITY, GIGGITY!!"

Meanwhile in the audience, the family is looking on at the competition.

"Ookie, why aren't _we_ in the competition?" asked Jillian to Chris.

"Jillian, we've been through this a dozen times," said Chris, "Because dancer rhymes with cancer and I don't want to take that risk!"

"Chris, if it's because you're a terrible dancer, it's okay," said Jillian, "I love you anyway."

"...Thanks Jillian," said Chris.

"Well it's a good thing you ARE a terrible dancer," said Jillian, "Cancer does rhyme with dancer and we can't take that risk."

"Idiots..." muttered Tilly.

A little further in the audience, Lois is speaking with her distraught daughter.

"Of all the people who would do this to me, I never thought it would be him," sobbed Meg, "You guys are right. I _do_ suck!"

"Meg, sweetheart, don't cry," said Lios, "You don't suck. _He_ does."

"Well I hope he can get along with that fake," said Meg, "One Meg will be going with him and it won't be _me_!"

Zack had overheard this and began to hang his head in shame.

"Man, I screwed up big time," said Zack, "I'm a bigger idiot than Jessica Simpson."

**Cutaway**

On an seaside dock, Jessica Simpson as a big bag full of chickens. She then tosses the bag into the sea.

"Go, chickens!" shouted Jessica, "You're free now! Go home and be free!"

The bag sinks into the sea and the chickens drown.

"You! Why are you not at home?" asked Jessica as she saw Ernie the giant chicken.

"Whoa! Keep away from me!" said Ernie as he hid behind Lobster.

Lobster, however, notices Jessica Simpson's nice body.

"...Can you take _me_ home?" asked Lobster.

**End Cutaway**

Later Connie and Neil had just finished their routine. The judges scored them a nine each.

"Beat that, losers," said Connie.

"Yeah, beat that," said Neil as he put his arm around Connie.

"Don't touch me," said Connie as she gripped his hand.

"Well you may be prettier and more popular than me and have bigger breasts than mine," said Replacement Meg, "But I have something you don't: a loving husband who will get me through the worst of times. Right, Zack?"

"Shut up, Meg," said Zack.

"And our next contestants are Meg and Zack Murdock," said Tom from the stage.

"That's us!" said Replacement Meg as they both walked on stage.

_Jump, Jive, n Wail_ begins to play as they both begin to swing dance. So far so good as they both are doing well choreographed steps. Zack grabs Replacement Meg's arms and swings her around a bit. He then gets a sight of the real Meg, sitting sadly in the audience. Zack is then filled with even more guilt.

"STOP THE MUSIC!!" shouted Zack as he let go of Replacement Meg and sent her flying into a record player, "Thank you. I have a confession to make."

Everyone then gasped in shock.

"A confession?" asked Tom.

"First of all, I am not a Space Marine!" said Zack.

"You're not a Space Marine?" asked the Phoney Man from the audience, "That means... He's a phoney! Everybody, this man is a phoney!"

"You're not a Space Marine?" asked Replacement Meg as she walked up to him, all dizzy, "Honey, I'm shocked. How long have you've been keeping this from me?"

"Will you stop it?" asked Zack in frustration, "You're not even my wife!"

"She's not your wife?" asked the Phoney Man, "You're a phoney! A great big phoney!"

"That girls over there in the glasses and brown hair is," said Zack, "And she is NOT a Sea Cow."

"Okay, now you're a liar, too!" said Phoney Man.

"I love Meg... The REAL Meg," said Zack, "I didn't mean to kick you off the team. I don't care anymore that you're a terrible dancer. I'd rather forfeit than be away from you. Will you ever forgive me?"

"Oh, Zack!" said Meg tearfully as she leapt into his arms.

The audience then looked on, gave a heart warming "Awwww" and applauded.

"I, too, have a confession to make," said Replacement Meg, "My name is not Meg. My REAL name is-"

"Are you still here? Get lost, bimbo!" said Zack as he shoved her offscreen, "Let's get out of here."

"Wow, what a very heartfelt and touching gesture," said Tom in seriousness, "...But they're losers, so who cares? Time to announce the winners."

"Paris, here I come," said Connie.

"And the winners of the dance contest is... Stephanie and Ryan Griffith!" said Tom.

"WHAT?!" shouted Connie, "This is all YOUR fault, Neil! If you hadn't missed that last step..."

"Well maybe if you raised your legs high enough!" said Neil back, "I thought you were good a spreading those legs of yours! You do it ALL the time!"

"Oh thank you!" said Stephanie as she and Ryan walked on stage. Stephanie was a football headed girl that looked and sounded like Stewie while Ryan was a dog who looked like Brian except he had a mustache.

"It's good to be winners," said Ryan.

"I call shenanigans!" shouted Maddie as she ran up stage, "They aren't really a couple! This is just my dog and a baby BOY! See?" she said as she tugged on Ryan's mustache and Stephanie's hair.

"Hey, what's going on here?" asked Brian as he and Stewie walked on stage.

"Maddie, why are you harassing that girl, again?" asked Stewie.

"...Dammit..." said Maddie.

Later, the family is having dinner at a roadside diner.

"Well, at least Connie didn't win," said Lois.

"...Oh my god!" said Peter, "The winners looked just like Stewie and Brian!"

"...Peter... The contest ended two hours ago," said Brian.

"That France vacation would've been nice, though," said Meg.

"But you know what's nicer?" asked Zack, "Being with you. I shouldn't have replaced you with that fake reality TV wannabe."

"Well, it's too bad I'm a terrible dancer," said Meg.

"Not to me, my love," said Neil as placed a quarter into the jukebox and played _Earth Angel_, "I would've never replaced you."

"But... weren't you just with Connie?" asked Meg before she was interrupted.

"She was just there to fill a hole," said Neil, "...A hole she just couldn't fill with her anorexic body. You're my only love and I want you to dance with me."

"Neil, we've been over this a thousand times! I'm taken!" said Meg.

"Now get lost or I'll stomp a nerdhole in you," said Zack as Neil walked away, "Speaking of dancing, may I have this dance?"

"It would be my pleasure," said Meg.

They both began to slow dance close to each other. Meg then rested her head onto his shoulder and closed her eyes. Zack then did the same thing. She then accidentally steps onto his foot.

"Owww!!" shouted Zack in pain.

"Oh my- I'm so sorry!" said Meg.

Zack then hops backwards while holding his foot and bumps into the jukebox which falls and shatters right on top of him.

"Zack?" asked Meg as a record rolls out of the jukebox.

"...Check, please," said Peter as he then notices the record, "Hey, _Surfing Bird_."

**End Chapter**


	28. The Ghosts of Spooner Street

**Chapter 28: The Ghosts of Spooner Street**

**(A/N: Before I begin, I'd like to apologize for the lateness of this Halloween chapter. At first I didn't plan on writing one, but then this idea hit me from out of nowhere. Sadly, I started this on the 29th and missed the deadline. I didn't want this to go to waste though so I finished it. This chapter was partially inspired by "Resentful Evil" from Ander Arias's story, The Spellbook. I'd also like to thank Iron Mantis for one of the cutaways in this chapter. Anyway, I hope you guys like it.)**

It was Halloween night in Quahog. Everybody was celebrating on the block. All the kids were trick or treating, and all the adults were handing out treats. The Griffins, however, were preparing for a Halloween party at their house.

"Kids, get ready!" shouted Lois as she was dressed up as Princess Leia, "The guests will be here."

All the kids then run downstairs in their costumes. Meg was dressed up as Velma from Scooby Doo, Chris was dressed up as Bart Simpson, Stewie was dressed up as Arnold from Hey Arnold, and Maddie was dressed up as Meg.

"Maddie, who the hell are you supposed to be?" asked Peter who was dressed up as Hans Solo.

"I'm dressed up as my role model," said Maddie as she got blank stares from Peter and Lois, "You know, someone I've always looked up to since birth? Someone who wears a pink shirt and a pink hat?"

"...That's a very cute Timmy Turner outfit, Maddie," said Lois.

"...Yeah, grandma," said Maddie as she rolled her eyes, "...Timmy Turner..."

"Where's Zack?" asked Chris, "I want to see his costume."

"I'll call him," said Meg, "Zack! Zack!! ZACK!!!"

Suddenly, the room began to fill with smoke as lightning then boomed from outside. A cold chill then fills the air as wind blows. A mischievous laugh could be heard.

"HahahaHA!!! Ahahahahaha!!!" laughed Zack as he jumped from nowhere wearing a black and white pinstripe suit, with pale skin and messy pale blonde hair, "IT'S SHOWTIME!!!"

"Oh my, Beetlejuice!" said Lois impressed, "What an entrance!"

"Yeah, I like how you filled the room with smoke," said Peter.

"Smoke? That wasn't me," said Zack as they all noticed something was burning in the kitchen.

"MY PUMPKIN COOKIES!!!" screamed Lois as she ran into the kitchen and pulled out the burnt cookies, "They're ruined."

"Just be thankful they turned out better than the last cookie you made," said Zack.

**Flashback**

In the kitchen, Lois pulls out a gingerbread man cookie from the oven. She then shows the cookie to Maddie who is sitting in her high chair.

"Look, Maddie," said Lois, "I made a little gingerbread man with a smiley face and gumdrop buttons."

"Looks tasty!" said Maddie.

The gingerbread man then comes to life and jumps off of the plate.

"Run, run, as fast as you can!" said the cookie, "You can't catch me! I'm the gingerbread man!"

"Quick! Get him!" said Lois as they ran towards the gingerbread man.

"Oh, no you don't!" said the gingerbread man as he grabbed a butcher knife and chased the two away, screaming.

"I got it," said Zack as he aimed his shotgun and shot the gingerbread man to pieces. He then sniffs the air, "You used too much cinnamon."

**End Flashback**

Brian then walks into the room, wearing a suit and a light brown wig.

"Who are you supposed to be?" asked Lois.

"Why, one of the most scariest men on the planet," said Brian.

"You liar!" said Stewie, "Suits aren't scary... unless a woman is wearing one."

"Are you an undead business man?" asked Peter.

"A murderous business tycoon?" asked Chris.

"Much scarier," said Brian, "I'm Bill O'Reilly"

"Oh my God! That _is_ scary!" said Meg in shock.

"Well, I can't wait until the guests get here," said Lois, "I have all sorts of activities planned for the party: music, dancing, candy, ghost stories..."

"Just don't let Cody tell one," said Chris, "Remember the One Handed Jim story?"

**Flashback**

In Zack and Meg's bedroom in the middle of the night, Zack wakes up to see that everyone in the house except Cody were all in their bed, scared.

"Alright, I'm proud of my son's story telling, but this is getting crazy!" said Zack, "One Handed Jim can't be THAT scary!"

"Oh yeah?" asked Peter, "Here's how it goes..."

10 minutes later...

"And the victims' heads were never found," said Peter.

"T-t-that wasn't so scary-" said Zack in a fetal position, shivering. He then sniffed the air, "What's that smell?"

"I think you soiled yourself," said Peter.

**End Flashback.**

"I even have bobbing for apples ready-" said Lois before she noticed all the apples in the barrel were missing, "Alright, who took all the apples?"

"Ummm..... It was you," said Peter as there were a bunch of apple cores around his feet.

"Nice one, dad," said Meg, "The guests will be here any minute!"

"Peter, we need to go to the store and pick up some more apples," said Lois.

"What? Can't we just substitute another fruit?" asked Peter.

"Like last year?" asked Brian, "Yeah, I'm sure everybody loved your fabulous idea; bobbing for cacti."

**Flashback**

A bunch of kids are trying to bob for cacti, but keep getting injured by the cactus spikes.

"Mister Griffin," complained one kid, "My lips are bleeding!"

"That's 'cause you're not using your teeth," said Peter.

**End Flashback**

"Alright, fine, Lois," said Peter,"But, you have to go oral on me, tonight... You've gotta read me the rough draft of my Star Wars fanfic. Basically it's a story about how Princess Leia is left alone after an Imperial attack but is rescued by a space vendor named Zeke Marduck. They fall in love, even though there's some conflict with Zeke and Hans Solo. Though things really heat up when she has Zeke's baby who's name is Mandy. Zack, have you read a fanfic like that before?"

Later at the Quahog Mini Mart, Peter and Zack are buying their items. Carl was dressed up as Coach McGuirk from Home Movies.

"Hey, I wanna ask you guys a question," said Carl, "If you were Jason Voorhees and you had to kill somebody, who would it be?"

"Well, that's a tough one," said Peter, "I'm gonna say Jimmy Fallon. I mean the guy's always looking at the camera, laughing and smiling. God, I've always wanted to lock him in a room with Jason, Freddy Krueger, and Michael Myers, hand them a bunch of baseball bats and let them have at him."

"Same answer," said Zack, "He plowed my garden before I got there."

"Wow, you like planting flowers?" asked Carl.

"He likes planting A flower," said Peter, "...Actually, she's more like a weed."

"Anyway, if I were Jason, I would want to kill Mickie James," said Carl.

"Okay, then," said Peter.

"With my dong," continued Carl.

"..." Peter and Zack just look at each with uncertainty.

"Get it?" asked Carl, "It's a clever analogy for sex, as in I want to have sex with Mickie James."

"...Okay then," said Peter.

"Wanna know who else I'd like to kill with my dong?" asked Carl.

"No," said Zack.

"Jessica Alba," said Carl, "I mean, she's fine as hell. I'd love to find her alone in the back of a barn and-"

"Listen, Carl, we've really gotta get going," said Peter.

"Sorry about that," said Carl, "Sometimes I just like to talk about random stuff from out of nowhere. You know, like this one time I ate bunch of boiled peanuts..."

"Let's go, Peter," said Zack annoyed as they left the store.

Later, everyone was on their way home, when Zack looks at his watch.

"Damn it, Carl," muttered Zack, "We wasted too much time."

"Peter, we're going to be late for the party!" said Lois.

"Don't worry, I know a shortcut," said Peter, "We'll just cut through James Woods and shave about 10 minutes."

"Are you sure that's safe?" asked Lois.

"Hey, have I ever steered you guys wrong?" asked Peter as they turned into the woods.

"I'd answer, but I don't feel like going through another flashback," said Zack.

"Hey Zack, does that look like a wolf?" asked Peter, squinting ahead of him.

"What?" asked Zack.

"That thing right in front of us," said Peter, "I'm not sure if it's either a fox or a wolf. Then again it might be a coyote. You know, I can never tell the difference."

"WOLF!!!" screamed Lois.

"I knew it!" said Peter.

"LOOK OUT!!!" shouted Zack as he grabbed the wheel and swerved the car away from the wolf. Unfortunately, it swerves right into a tree. Luckily, they were still alive.

"Well, at least we're okay," said Peter as he tried to start the car.

"But the car obviously isn't," said Brian.

"Zack, you used to be a mechanic," said Meg, "Maybe you can take a look."

"I'll see what I can do," said Zack as he popped open the hood and took a look.

"Well? What's wrong?" asked Lois.

"I don't know," said Zack, "The engine looks pretty banged up. We might have to hail a taxi."

"No good," said Meg, "My cell phone's dead."

"Well, it can't get any worse than this," said Brian.

Suddenly, lightning boomed as rain began to heavily pour upon the family.

"You just _had_ to say it, didn't you?" asked Maddie.

"Quick!" said Peter pointing to an old mansion, "Everyone into that obviously haunted and ominous looking, but possibly not haunted mansion."

"Wow a haunted looking mansion just so happens to be nearby after the car breaks down," said Zack, "My, how very original."

"I know," said Brian, "That's a bigger cliche than the walking into the sunset scene."

**Cutaway**

In some old western movie, a cowboy riding on a horse is saying goodbye to his lover.

"I'm sorry ma'am but duty calls," said the cowboy, "Other towns need me."

"Will I ever see you again?" asked the woman.

"I'll be there when you need me," said the cowboy.

He then rides off into the sunset... but then falls off the horse, clutching onto his eyes.

"OOOOOOOOWWWW!!! AHHHHHHH!!! I LOOKED INTO THE SUN!!!" he screamed, "MY EYES!!! I'M BLIND!!! WHY THE HELL WAS I WALKING RIGHT INTO THE _SUN_?!?"

**End Cutaway.**

Soon, the family walks into the old mansion. It was filled with old furniture, paintings, knight statues and all the other things that you'll find inside of a haunted mansion.

"Hello?" asked Lois as he voice echoed inside.

"It looks like nobody's been in here for years," said Brian.

Suddenly, the doors slammed shut from behind them. Peter tries to open the doors but they're locked.

"Crap, they won't budge!" said Peter.

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" screamed Chris.

"Let's just calm down," said Meg, "I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for all of this."

"Meg's right," said Lois, "Remember, there are no such things as ghosts."

"Are you kidding?" asked Brian, "Don't you remember when Peter dug up that Indian skull and the ghosts kidnapped Stewie?"

"Wait, ghosts kidnapped Stewie?" asked Maddie as her voice was filled with fear, "Are they going to kidnap me?"

"No no no!" said Brian reassuringly, "I was only kidding! There are no such things as ghosts."

"Well then what are THOSE?" asked Stewie pointing.

Floating around them were the ghosts of Big Fat Paulie, Adam West's old advisor Mr. Ray, Stripes the cat, Francis Griffin, Liddane's old boyfriend Jeremy, Nigel Pinchley, and Quagmire's ex-wife Joan.

"Oh my God!" cried out Lois in terror, "They're the ghosts of people we once knew!"

"Yeah, right!" said Zack, "If they're ghosts, then I'm left handed. They're not real! They're all just a figment of our imaginations."

Zack then gets possessed by Big Fat Paulie. He then, burps, snorts and spits on Peter's shirt and then depossesses Zack. He then twitches his right eye in shock.

"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! GHOSTS!!!" screamed Zack to the top of his lungs

"That's right, Griffins!" said Nigel, "We've come back from the afterlife!"

"I want payback for what you've done to me!" said Mr. Ray.

"Wait, wasn't it Jack who shot you?" asked Zack, "Why aren't you going after him?"

"Well, I... see, he... well, he... SHUT UP!!!" said Mr. Ray.

"I was hit by a truck because YOU showed me compassion!" said Stripes.

"I didn't know!" said Maddie.

"And YOU peed on my grave!" he shouted pointing to Brian.

"Bite me, fuzz butt," said Brian.

"YOU had me hung and made Eliza an orphan!" said Nigel pointing to Lois, "Oh, I'm going to enjoy scaring the dress off of you... You know, I don't have to _scare_ it off of you."

"Hey, back off pal!" said Peter.

"You and your idiot friends took me from my husband Quagmire too soon!" wailed Joan.

"Wait, did you put Quagmire and husband in the same sentence without using the word infidelity?!?!" asked Zack, "I thought that wasn't possible!"

"You killed me, little dude!" said Jeremy to Stewie.

"Stewie's a baby, not a murderer!" said Lois as a laser beam narrowly misses her.

"Damn!" shouted Stewie.

"You crushed me to death you big fat drunk!" said Francis.

"But you're all going to pay!" said Mr. Ray, "Get 'em!"

"Wait a minute," said Zack, "Where's my dad, Frank Murdock?"

"Oh, we didn't want to deal with TWO douchebags so we got rid of him," said Joan.

"Well, that and he said that haunting you would mean actually being around you for more than a millisecond," said Nigel, "The thought just sickened him."

"Wow, I'll bet the other douchebag is a real jackass," said Paulie, "I'll he's a big, fat, dirty, stinkin'... Oooooooh...."

"What do we do?" asked Lois fearfully

"Don't worry! I've played Luigi's Mansion before and watched Ghostbuster 60 times!" said Peter as he grabbed a nearby vacuum cleaner and tried to suck up the ghosts. However, it had no effect and the ghosts just look at him like he's crazy.

"Wow, nice work there Egon," said Zack sarcastically, "You wanna cross the streams while you're at it?"

"Where were we?" asked Joan, "Oh yes... GET 'EM!!!"

The family then runs upstairs as the ghosts chase them. Hide in a bathroom and lock the door.

"I don't wanna die!" said Maddie with fear.

"I won't let anybody take you from me," said Meg.

"I dunno..." said Peter, "She's a trooper so it'll take longer for them to kill her leaving us enough time to escape..."

"PETER!" shouted Lois.

"Maybe we should try sending those ghosts back to where they came from," said Chris.

"Hey, wasn't the way to the spirit world Meg's butt?" asked Peter.

"I'll investigate!" said Zack as he tried to grab Meg's rear but was slapped.

"Zack, no!" said Meg, "At least not in front of them. We have to do something about those ghosts."

"Forget the ghosts!" said Maddie, "Let's just get the hell out of here!"

"But how?" asked Lois.

"I think I've got an idea," said Zack as he opened the window and climbed down on a nearby tree, "Try to stay alive for a few minutes."

"...Wait. Can ghosts move through walls?" asked Peter.

Suddenly, all the ghosts phase through the bathroom door, cornering the Griffins.

"Now, it's time you've become one of US!" said Paulie as they moved closer.

Suddenly, the sound of motors revving could be heard from the distance. The old station wagon bursts into the room as the ghosts all fly out of the way.

"Quick! Get in!" said Zack as the family quickly got into the car.

"You fixed the car?" asked Lois, "What did you do?"

"Well, I reticulated the crankshaft's outer retrostructure, attenuated the brake fluids to the oil magnesium containment mechanism, and adjusted the radiator so that it cooperates with the titanium blades of the engine's haberdasher," said Zack.

"...Do you even know what you just said?" asked Brian, "I'll bet you just took a hammer and decided to wing it, didn't you?"

"Damn straight!" said Zack.

"Okay, a little less talkie and a little more let's get the hell outta here before the ghosts kill us!" said Peter.

Zack then floors it as the car then drives right through the house. The house then collapse in a pile of rubble. Later that night in Lois and Peter's bedroom...

"What a night," said Lois, "Not only did we see ghosts, we almost missed our own party."

"Yeah, I thought we were all gonna be goners for sure," said Peter, "Especially you. You were all like 'Ahh! We're gonna die! Someone save us!'"

"If I never see another ghost again, it'll be too soon," said Lois as she cut off the lights," Goodnight, Peter."

"Goodnight, Lois," said Peter.

"Goodnight, Lois," said Nigel.

"Goodnight, Peter," said Paulie.

Lois then quickly turn on the lights to the ghosts of Big Fat Paulie and Nigel Pinchley floating above them.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" they both scream as they run out of the room into the hallway where they see the others.

"Mom, dad, the ghosts are here!" panicked Meg, "I just saw Francis!"

"And it's a good thing you did!" said Francis, "I caught you before you could do what you wanted to do in front of the Lord's eyes! It's a sin!"

"But she was just removing the split ends from my hair!" said Zack.

"GET A HAIRCUT, YOU SINNING HIPPIE!" shouted Francis.

"We saw Stripes and Jeremy!" said Maddie.

"The ghosts must've followed us!" said Brian.

"They didn't follow you," said Death as he appeared from nowhere, "I brought them here."

"Why?" asked Peter, "I thought we were cool!"

"Those ghosts were under contract to haunt that house," said Death "Because you guys destroyed their house, they need a new place to haunt."

"Wait, so you're saying _I_ was the one who screwed up and NOT Peter for once?" asked Zack in shock. Peter then slaps him in the back of his head, "Ow!"

"Always wanted to do that," said Peter

"So you picked OUR house?" asked Lois.

"Hey, I didn't pick it," said Death, "One of my bosses did."

"Gee, I wonder who the _Devil_ could've done that?" asked Zack as he rolled his eyes.

"Don't worry, it's only temporary," said Death, "And the ghosts promised not to kill you guys, right?"

The ghosts then nod their heads in agreement.

"Peter, I don't know about this," said Lois.

"C'mon, Lois. I'm sure we can all get along," said Peter, "Besides, this isn't the first time I've dealt with the dead. Remember when I tried choreographed dancing with zombies?"

**Flashback**

Peter is dressed up as Michael Jackson and is doing the Thriller dance with zombies behind him as Thriller plays in the background. They were all dancing just fine until...

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up a second," said Peter, "Bill you moved your arms the wrong way. John, you were out of sync. Becky, you missed a step. And Jimmy, you shimmied when you were supposed to slide. You know what? I cannot work with this. You guys keep screwing up."

"Hey, this isn't easy, you know," said a Zombie.

"No, I don't want to hear it," said Peter, "What the hell did you think those hours of practice was for?"

"Hey, why don't _you_ try being a zombie while trying to dance," said the Zombie, "We're decomposing rotting corpses for God's sake. Jimmy over there just lost his left leg while dancing."

"Found it," said Jimmy off screen.

"That's my right arm," said Becky from off screen.

"No, I don't want to hear it!" said Peter, "God, this is why I hate working with amateurs..."

The zombies then attack Peter in a large groaning horde as he screams loudly.

**End Flashback**

The next morning, Lois is in the shower taking a shower. Suddenly, she hears the faint giggling of men.

"What the- AHHHHHH!!!!" she screamed as she saw Nigel, Paulie, Jeremy, and Mr. Ray peeking at her. She then runs outside, "GET OUT!!!"

"C'mon! We'll be invisible," said Paulie.

"No!" said Lois.

"Well, we're not leaving until you come back," said Nigel.

At that moment, Meg walks by the bathroom door.

"Are you finished with your shower?" asked Meg.

"It's all yours," said Lois.

Meg then walks into the bathroom. Mr. Ray and Paulie then fly out of the bathroom, screaming.

"Hey... nice ass!" said Mr. Ray.

"I looks better than Liddane's," said Jereamy as the others just looked at the door, "Well it does!"

Later outside in the front lawn, Maddie's arch-rival, Eliza Pinchley-D'amico, is walking by the house. Maddie is filling a huge water balloon with a garden hose.

"Hey, Eliza!" said Maddie, "Do you like riddles?"

"What's this about a riddle you little wench?" asked Eliza.

"What's blonde, plaid, and wet all over?" asked Maddie.

"What?" asked Eliza.

"A schoolgirl wet T-shirt contest," said Maddie, "And now for something not related to riddles; a water balloon to your face!"

Maddie then tosses the water balloon straight to Eliza... but it hangs in mid air.

"Blimey!" said Eliza, "What kind of bloody witchcraft is this?"

"It's not me!" said Maddie as the water balloon flew back and hit her in the face.

"Well, who's soaked now?" laughed Eliza mockingly as she walked away.

"What the hell happened?!?!" asked Maddie.

"Oh, that was me," said Nigel as he appeared beside her, "I just can't allow you to antagonize my little girl."

"Wait, YOU'RE Eliza's dad?" asked Maddie, "YOU???"

"Yes," said Nigel, "Now why don't you be a good little girl and be friends with her instead of enemies?"

"No freaking way!" said Maddie, "She hates my guts and is planning to kill my grandma someday! I'm going to go over there, take my fist and-" she said before she was possessed by Nigel, "Extend it as a handshake!" she continued with a British accent.

Maddie then walks up to Eliza, smiling.

"What do you want now, you bloody tart?" asked Eliza.

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for being mean to you," said Maddie, "I absolutely love your dress and you have a VERY lovely voice."

"Oh... why thank you," said Eliza in confusion, "You're finally speaking like an American should."

"Say, how about we go over to your house and have tea and crumpets?" asked Maddie, "I mean, you are superior and MUCH more beautiful than me in every single way."

"Well it's about time you realized that," said Eliza, "We'll play, sing songs, and have all kinds of jolly good fun all day long! Do you like BBC?"

Nigel then depossesses Maddie as Eliza grabs her hand and drags her away. Maddie tried to fight Eliza's grip, but she has her hand tight.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" screamed Maddie as she tried to claw her free hand onto the floor.

**(A/N: No offense to BBC lovers or British people.) **

Later in the kitchen, Zack is digging through the refrigerator in frustration when Meg walks up to him.

"Something wrong, honey?" asked Meg.

"I had a turkey subway sandwich in the fridge for safe keeping," said Zack, "I can't find it anywhere. I'll bet your dad did this!"

"Not me," said Peter, "I didn't do it."

"Wonder who could've taken it?" asked Meg.

"Hey, Z, you're not gonna believe this!" said Paulie, "Some stupid dope left a turkey hoagie in the fridge sitting wide open. It said property of Zack Murdock, DO NOT TOUCH, but I touched it anyway!"

"...You ate my sandwich?!?!" asked Zack.

"I guess I did," said Paulie.

"How the hell did you do THAT?" asked Zack in confusion, "You don't even have a stomach anymore!"

"Eh, beats me," said Paulie as he grabbed Zack's shirt and wiped the food off his chin with it.

"As if I didn't have enough fat, stupid men in my life..." said Zack as he then slipped on a piece of eaten sandwich and fell on his head, "OW!!!"

"So that's where the food goes..." said Meg.

"Zack, are you bleeding?" asked Peter, "Yeah... he's bleeding."

Meanwhile in the living room, Brian is typing into his laptop. Stewie then enters the room.

"Whatcha doin'?" asked Stewie, "You watchin' dog porn? Those 8 breasts from that bitch turnin' you on?"

"Shut up," said Brian, "I'm posting on my blog."

"What blog is it?" asked Stewie, "The blog for whiney self righteous dog liberals?"

"No!" said Brian as he covered the words _The Blog For Whiney Self Righteous Dog Liberals_ on his screen, "Now just let me submit my blog entry!"

Suddenly, the screen on Brian's monitor begins to static out.

"Dammit, Stewie! This better not be another virus!" said Brian.

"It wasn't me!" said Stewie.

"Hello, dog!" said Stripes in his Plankton-esque as he appeared on the screen, "Im in ur computerz eatin ur megabitez."

"LOLcats suck," said Brian.

"Keep your criticisms, you weak minded crotch licker!" said Stripes, "Because of my new ghost form, I'm able to possess whatever I want, including your pathetically underpowered laptop!"

"It has 3 Ghz of processing power!" said Brian.

"Shut up. It'll be obsolete in a month, anyway," said Stripes, "With this new ability, I can make your life miserable! I think I'll start by making a CONSERVATIVE post on your liberal blog."

"You wouldn't dare!" said Brian.

"Watch me!" said Stripes as he typed a bunch of conservative thoughts, deleting Brian's previous post.

"No! Gay marriages aren't wrong at all!" said Brian, "They deserve a chance."

"That's not what YOU think after I hit the submit button," said Stripes as he clicked the submit button.

"NOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Brian and Stewie.

"Now watch as you get misspelled hate posts in l33t from idiots who shouldn't be owning a computer in the first place!" said Stripes, "I AM THE MASTER OF TECHNOLOGY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" he laughed as Brian reached for the off switch, "NO WAIT! DON'T-" he screamed before he was turned off.

"Maybe that should stop him for a while," said Brian.

"Wow, you have a lot of Lois hentai in your hard drive,"" said Stripes from within the computer.

"...Not one word," said Brian to Stewie.

Later that night, the family and the ghosts are having dinner.

"Well, I suppose this is a very special occasion," said Lois, "Would someone like to say grace?"

"I'll do it! Now everyone bow your heads before I bow them for you!" said Francis threateningly, "Oh heavenly father, I thank you for giving me a chance to be with my family once more... and to fix the SINNERS in this house!"

"Sinners?" asked Lois.

"That's right!" said Francis, "Each and every one of you in this house has sinned in the eyes of the lord! Peter, you're a fat stinking drunk! Lois, you committed adultery with Bill Clinton! Meg, you had underaged premarital sex with a long haired Methodist sinner! Zack, you're a long haired Methodist sinner! Maddie, you've never been baptized! Brian's an Atheist and going straight to hell! Stewie was possessed by the devil! In fact you've all MET the devil before so you're all going to hell! And worst of all is Chris! He-"

"I ONLY DID IT TO STAY ALIVE!" shouted Chris.

"He's a fat, masturbating preteen," said Francis, "Wait, what did you do that was so sinful to stay alive?"

"Nothing," lied Chris.

"Francis, I think you're overreacting a little," said Lois.

"Yeah, dad," said Peter, "We're all good people."

"Yeah... most of the time," said Zack.

"Son, I love this family, and I don't want any of you going to hell," said Francis, "If you were a bunch of decent Catholics, I wouldn't need to do this to you!"

"Oh, if you're such a saint, why aren't YOU in heaven?" asked Zack.

"Because I did THIS!" said Francis as he possessed Peter and punched Zack in the face, knocking him out.

"...Good comeback..." groaned Zack.

The next morning, the family is sitting with Meg's friend Raven, looking though an old book about ghosts.

"Thanks again for agreeing to help us with our ghost problem," said Meg.

"Anytime, guys," said Raven, "But are you sure you wanna do this? I mean these are real ghosts here."

"Trust us, it's no fun with those ghosts here," said Chris, "All of those ghosts are making us miserable."

"Well, except Joan," said Meg, "Wonder where she is?"

Meanwhile at Quagmire's house, she is under the sheets naked with Quagmire.

"It's just like how I last remembered it," said Joan as she cuddled with Quagmire.

"Me too," said Quagmire, "You're just like how I last had sex with you; dead."

"Quagmire?" asked Joan.

"Yes?" asked Quagmire.

"...I still love you," said Joan.

"Really? Hang on for a minute," said Quagmire as he left the room. He then comes back in with a vacuum cleaner and tries to suck up Joan, but she just stares at him, "Huh... It worked in Luigi's Mansion"

Back at the house...

"Yeah, those ghosts are driving us all crazy!" said Peter, "I mean all last night I heard nothing but moaning!"

"Peter, that was me," said Lois, "We were having sex."

"Really?" asked Peter, "Lois, have you ever thought of getting your nose checked?"

"Why would I want to do that?" asked Lois.

"Lots of reasons," said Zack.

"What was that?" asked Lois threateningly.

"Nothing," said Zack fearfully.

"Now Raven, are you sure this will get rid of the ghosts?" asked Lois.

"Positive," said Raven, "I just need to summon a portal to the spirit realm and the ghosts should be drawn to it by it's aura and return to the afterlife."

"And you'll summon this portal, how?" asked Brian.

"Using Wicca. I like to study Wiccan spells in my free time," said Raven, "I downloaded this portal summon spell from the internet."

"What website did you get this from?" asked Lois.

"Where else?" asked Raven, "Wiccapedia."

Maddie then plays a rimshot from her drumset. The family just stares at the goth girl as crickets chirp and a tumbleweed rolls by.

"Sorry, must've left the door open," said Chris as he closed the front door.

"Okay, let's start the ritual," said Raven, "Mr. Griffin, dump the magic powder around in a circle."

"Got it," said Peter as he dumped the powder in a circle.

"Now I'll chant the magic words," said Raven, "I seek a gateway. A gateway that separates man from the paranormal. Gateway open!"

Wind then blows violently as a portal begins to open over the powdered circle.

"I think you did it!" said Brian, "Now let's get those ghosts so they can-"

Then some large tentacles wrapped themselves around Lois and began to rub all over her.

"Oh my gosh! What's it gonna do to me?!?!.. Oooh what's it gonna do to me?" she asked seductively.

The family then pulls Lois as hard as they could and the tentacles release her. Peter then hits the tentacles with a bat until it goes back into it's portal and closes.

"What happened?" asked Meg.

"Crap!" said Raven as she read the printed paper, "That wasn't the ghost realm! That was the realm of horny tentacles! The article must've gotten spammed by a bunch of Japanese perverts."

"Well that sucks," said Brian, "Say, Raven, can you hand me that paper?... I want to throw it away for you."

"No," said Raven.

"Well, we still need to think of a way to get rid of those ghosts somehow," said Zack.

"Well, you can't," said Death as he walked into the room, "Like I said, they were under contract to haunt the old house and now they're officially under contract to haunt yours."

"WHAT?!?!" asked the family.

"Oh my gosh! It's really you!" said Raven as she ran up to Death, "I'm a HUGE fan of your work! I've always wanted to stand face to face and shake-"

She stopped and dropped dead after shaking Death's hand.

"DEATH!!!" shouted Meg angrily.

"Hey, she touched me!" said Death as he gained angry glares from everybody else, "Oh, alright! Fine!"

Death then snaps his finger and returns Raven's soul to her body.

"-Death's hand!" continued Raven, "Wait, why do I feel more corpsey than usual?"

"Like I said, they are now officially YOUR ghosts," said Death as he handed them the contract.

"Isn't there anything we could do?" asked Lois.

"Well, have you guys thought about moving?" asked Death, "Look the only way the contract expires is if you guys die. Then YOU become this house's resident ghosts."

"Isn't there any other way?" asked Zack.

"Well you could get them to leave on their own and make the contract void," said Death, "Anyway, I gotta go."

Death then leaves the house.

"Well, there's only one way to do this," said Peter.

"That's right," said Lois, "We have to get those ghosts to leave somehow."

"Right! Exactly what I was thinking," said Peter as he quickly hid an axe behind his back, "Any suggestions?"

"We could try annoying them out of here," said Meg.

"Meg, that's a wonderful idea!" said Lois, "Now what's the most annoying thing in the world that anybody could do?"

"...I think I have an idea," said Brian, "But first we need to buy some earmuffs for everybody except Peter."

"Why?" asked Zack.

"Let's just say that I hope those ghosts have heard," said Brian.

Later that afternoon, Peter walks into the living room where all the ghosts are having a conversation.

**(AN: Now, before we begin, I'd like to apologize to Haylias in advance.... I am so sorry.)**

"Hey Petey! You hear the great news?" asked Paulie, "We're staying here forever!"

"Hey, that's great," said Peter, "I've got a question: Do you know... about the word?"

"What word?" asked Jeremy.

"You mean you don't know?!?!" asked Peter.

"What is the word?" asked Joan.

"WELL EVERYBODY'S HEARD THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD!" shouted Peter as Surfin' Bird played in the background, "Ba ba ba bird bird bird, b-bird's the word. Ba ba ba bird bird bird b-bird is the word. A-well a bird bird bird bird, the bird is the word. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word."

"What the hell is that idiot doing?" asked Francis.

"I think he's singing Surfin' Bird," said Jeremy.

"Oh well, ignore him," said Joan, "I mean, how long can you expect him to keep this up?"

3 weeks later...

"A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word! A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word! A-well-a don't you know about the bird? Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word! A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a..."

"GOOD LORD! HE JUST WON'T STOP!!" shouted Mr. Ray.

"Peter, will you knock it off!!!" shouted Joan, "IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS ALL READY!!!"

"Knock what off?" asked Peter.

"That dreadful song!!!" shouted Nigel, "It's driving us crazy!!!"

"A dreadful song about a certain word?" asked Peter.

"WE ALREADY KNOW THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD!!!" shouted Joan.

"JOAN!!!" shouted the other ghosts angrily.

"Oops?" said Joan.

"A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word! A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word! A-well-a don't you know about the bird? Well, everybody's talking about the bird! A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a bird... Surfin' bird Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb..." Peter than starts acting like he has a seizure and stops moving.

"...I think he's finally dead," said Stripes, "Go check, greasy mobster."

"...Peter?" asked big fat Paulie as he walked up to him, only to be surprised by Peter jumping back up.

"Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ooma-mow-mow Papa-ooma-mow-mow!"

"That's it!" said Jeremy, "I can't take it anymore!"

"Me neither!" said Francis, "Let's all go back to the afterlife where it's safe!"

"Agreed!" said Joan.

A portal to the spirit world then opens up and the ghosts all walk into it.

"They're leaving," said Maddie.

"Wait, Madeline, I want you to do me one favor before I go," said Nigel, "I want you to tell Eliza that I'm in a better place. That she shouldn't hold a grudge against Lois and that I'll always love her, no matter what."

"...I'll tell her," said Maddie as Nigel then walked into the closing portal.

"Well, I'm glad that's over," said Lois.

"Me too," said Chris.

At that moment, the doorbell rings. Maddie answers it to see Eliza standing there.

"Hello there, Maddie!" said Eliza.

"Eliza, there's something you need to know," said Maddie, "I saw the ghost of your father. He wanted me to tell you something."

"Really, did you?" asked Eliza, "You can tell me when we get to my house! We can watch British soap operas, play British games, talk about British stuff, and do British things. I'll absolutely love being your bestest British friend ever."

"...Bestest British friend?..." asked Maddie as she twitched her eye.

"Yes. Now what were you about to say?" asked Eliza.

"...He wanted me to tell you that you're adopted, and he hates you, and that you suck," said Maddie.

"What?!?!" asked Eliza, "How dare you think my father would say something like that? You can forget about me being your friend you wench! I'm going to get even with you and that horrid grandmother of yours!"

"Bring it on, limey girl!" said Maddie as Eliza left.

"Well, it looks like everything's back to normal, right Peter?" said Lois.

"Not quite," said Peter.

"What do you mean?" asked Meg, "We got rid of the ghosts."

"Yes, but have you heard?" asked Peter.

"Heard what?" asked Zack.

"NO, DON'T!!!" screamed Stewie.

"ABOUT THE BIRD!" shouted Peter as Surfin' Bird played, "Ba ba ba bird bird bird, b-bird's the word. Ba ba ba bird bird bird b-bird is the word. A-well a bird bird bird bird, the bird is the word. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the-"

Zack then grabs the record, tosses it out the window like a frisbee and shoots it with his shotgun. Peter then plays Surfin' Bird on a CD player.

"Zack taught me how to burn CD's and use Limewire!" shouted Peter as Zack earned the angry glares from the rest of the family, "Ba ba ba bird bird bird, b-bird's the word. Ba ba ba bird bird bird b-bird is the word. A-well a bird bird bird bird, the bird is the word. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word. A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word."

Zack then slowly lifts his shotgun to head...

**End Chapter.**


	29. Swiss Family Griffins

**Chapter 29: Swiss Family Griffins**

**(AN: I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. I kept writing and rewriting this chapter which each had a different plot before I settled on this one. That and sharing a room with a noisy ass little brother can put a damper on your creativity and concentration. Anyway, enjoy.)**

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon at the Griffin home. In the front lawn, Zack Murdock was raking up all the leaves into a huge pile.

"That's the last of one," said Zack as he wiped the sweat from his brow, "Now I'm going inside to leave this huge pile of leaves unsupervised while I get a nice glass of lemonade."

As Zack walks into the house, Maddie peers from behind a nearby tree to see if her father left.

"Target sighted," she said as she looked at the pile of leaves, "Commence operation: leaf jump."

She then makes a mad dash to the leaves, takes a running leap and prepares to land in a pile of brown, red, and yellow goodness... but is then suddenly grabbed midair by the collar by her father.

"Nice try, squirt," said Zack, "You'd have to pull a fast one on me to jump into my leaf pile."

"LEAF PILE!!!" screamed Peter as he jumped all over the leaves, spreading them out.

"Nice work there, man child," said Zack, "I've gotta start all over again and that'll take forever!"

"Wow, Peter," said Joe as he wheeled by with Cleveland and Quagmire behind him, "Your yard looks like a mess."

"Yeah, Peter," said Cleveland, "Your yard has more mixed colors than an interracial porno."

"Ah, look at this mess," said Peter, "Well, it's nobody's fault... except Meg's."

"This mess wasn't her fault," said Zack, "How is it her fault?"

"Well her very existence depressed me so much that I needed some happiness," said Peter, "And your pile of leaves made me the happiest man on Earth, and it was all Meg's fault."

"...You're full of sh(bleep)t, you know that?" asked Zack.

"Have you guys thought about investing in a leaf blower?" asked Cleveland.

"Yeah, it makes the job much faster and easier," said Joe, "Look at me. Using a leaf blower instead of rake gives me more time to do things."

"Like what?" asked Peter, "You're handicapped. What can you do on your free time except sit there and reminisce on your glory days when you can walk."

"Lot's of things, like... well... there's... the thing..." said Joe as he tried to think, "SHUT THE HELL UP! I HAVE A LEAF BLOWER AND YOU DON'T!!!"

"I've got one too," said Quagmire, "It's custom made."

He then straps a leaf blower around his waist where the hose is dangling from the front like a... well use your imagination. A few young women then walk by.

"Hey girls," said Quagmire slyly, "Wanna help me blow my load... of leaves? Giggity giggity!"

"How fitting," said Zack impressed.

"Well that settles it," said Peter, "We are going to go over to the store and buy a leaf blower! No more will I live like a caveman in the modern age."

**Cutaway**

A Caveman walks out of the computer store with a brand new computer.

"Hey, look at that," said a random man from down the street, "He has a Pentium 4."

"What a caveman!" said the other as they all laughed at him.

The caveman then scowls.

**End Cutaway**

Later, Peter and Zack travel to SEARS to purchase a leaf blower.

"Remember, we're here to get a leaf blower," said Zack, "Nothing else! Understand?"

"Don't you worry about a thing," said Peter, "I am totally focused. I am a tiger looking for it's prey and that leaf blower's the prey! I will not be distracted by anything."

"Can I help you?" asked the usual sleazy salesman.

"...What's that?" asked Peter pointing to a flamethrower.

"DAMNIT!" shouted Zack.

"Why this is a state of the art Torchmaster 5000 flamethrower," said the salesman, "This baby can shoot out a flame 6 feet in front of you and cause carnage for miles."

"My god... he said baby! It has to be good!" said Peter, "Babies are good. We have to buy it!"

"Peter, we're here to buy a leaf blower, not a freaking flamethrower," said Zack, "Now get us to a good leaf blower!"

"Fine, but answer me this," said the salesman, "Let's say your house catches on fire. Can you use a leaf blower to save your family? No, because it will just make the flames bigger. So what do you do? You fight fire with fire."

"...Wait, that doesn't make any sense!" said Zack.

"OR it makes so little sense that it actually makes PERFECT sense!" said Peter, "I'll take it!"

"Peter..." groaned Zack as he placed his palm onto his face.

"Relax, Zack. I've got it all under control" said Peter, "Man, this flame thrower could make me cooler than Batman!"

**Cutaway**

Batman is swinging on the rooftops of Gotham city in the dead of the night while the opening theme to Batman: The Animated series plays and a manly announcer voice speaks.

_Batman's put the Joker in Arkahm, saved Gotham City countless times, and even defeated Superman._

Batman then lands in front of a kid who is eating a bowl of cereal.

_But can he see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?_

"Is it the delicious swirls of Cinnamon and sugar found in every bite?" asked Batman.

"Uh... yes it is..." said the kid in shock.

_Yeah... He's that damn good._

**End Cutaway**

Later at home, Peter is showing off the flamethrower to the rest of the family.

"You bought a flamethrower?!?!" asked Lois in shock and frustration, "Do you know how dangerous those things are?"

"You'll all be thanking me when I use this to stop the mutant underground mole people from invading our home," said Peter.

"Dad, how could you afford a flamethrower?" asked Meg.

"I found some money lying around in your room," said Peter.

"DAD, THAT WAS MY COLLEGE FUND!" shouted Meg angrily.

"Hey, is it my fault you just left it sitting out there with no way of me knowing?" asked Peter.

"IT WAS IN A JAR WITH THE WORDS _**MEG'S COLLEGE FUND**_, JACKASS!!!" shouted Meg with rage.

"How dare you call me names," said Peter, "After all the nice things that I've done for you."

"You shoved her down the basement an hour ago," said Chris, "I wouldn't call that nice."

"Shut up, Chris," said Peter.

"Peter, a flamethrower is dangerous," said Lois, "Especially in a house with two babies. What if they get their hands on-"

"Hang on Lois. there's a bug in your hair," said Peter as he pulled out the flamethrower and a shot a huge burst of flame at Lois who ducked at the last second.

"PETER!!! WHAT THE HELL?!?" shouted Lois.

"At least you ducked in time," said Zack as he walked into the room with his face charred and his hair, goatee, and eyebrows all missing. He then sticks his thumb into his mouth and blows, causing all his hair to grow back.

"Umm... how did you do that?" asked Meg uncomfortably.

"Sight gag," responded Zack.

"Sight what?" asked Brian.

"Uh, nevermind," said Zack.

"What the deuce?" asked Stewie angrily, "The fatman gets a flamethrower, but not me? I haven't been this outraged since I saw the live action Super Mario Bros. Movie."

**Flashback**

Stewie was sitting in a movie theater, trying to contemplate everything he just saw. He then silently walks out of the theater and takes a look at the theater sign. It reads "Super Mario Bros.". He then angrily kicks a nearby puppy.

**End Flashback**

Later outside, Peter, Chris, and Brian are in the front yard looking at all the leaves on the ground.

"It's going to take us forever to clean up this mess," said Chris.

"Not with the Torchmaster 5000 it won't," said Peter.

"Peter, you can't burn leaves without a permit," said Brian, "It's against the law."

"But I am not burning leaves," said Peter, "I am merely lighting my lawn on fire to kill the pests in my wife's garden that are destroying the plants she loves and holds dear, but the leaves just so happen to be sitting there. Is that against the law?"

"Yes, it's called arson," said Brian.

"You call it arson, I call it a testament of my love to Lois, but Zack calls it jackassery no matter what I do," said Peter, "Now stand back."

Peter then sets the lawn on fire with the flamethrower which destroys the leaves and the grass, leaving nothing but a black smokey ground.

"Wow, that was awesome, dad!" said Chris with glee, "You got rid of all the leaves!"

"Wait, what happened to Lois' garden?" asked Brian as he looked around.

"Who cares?" said Peter.

Later, the family is sitting in the living room watching TV when Maddie walks into the room crying with her clothes ripped and her body bruised.

"Oh my gosh! What happened?" asked Meg with worry as she hugged her precious baby.

"That bully from down the street teased me and beat me up at school today," sobbed Maddie, "Grandpa, can I borrow the flamethrower tomorrow?"

"Go ahead," said Peter.

"Peter! That's irresponsible!" said Lois, "She'll hurt herself!"

"Aw geez, your grandmother's right," said Peter, "You better put on some goggles and gloves for protection."

"No!" said Meg as she hugged Maddie tightly, "Honey it's okay. Mommy's here..."

"You what you need?" asked Peter, "Some cheering up! That is why I am going to make Brian jump through a flaming hoop! Now I'm going to put on these flame retardant gloves... heheheheheh, I said retardant!"

Peter then sets a hula hoop on fire while wearing flame retardant gloves.

"I'm not jumping through that hoop!" said Brian.

"Brian, this is a little girl's happiness at stake," said Peter, "Are you telling me that you hate seeing little girls being happy?"

"Oh yeah, like I haven't heard that tactic used enough by the Bush Administration," said Brian as he rolled his eyes.

"C'mon! Just jump through the hoop!" begged Peter.

"Fine..." said Brian, "But I'm doing this for Maddie."

Brian then jumps, but falls halfway, landing within the hoop. His fur then catches on fire.

"OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!" he screams as he runs around in a circle.

"Quick Brian," shouted Lois, "Stop, drop and roll!!!"

Brian then does as instructed. He puts himself out, but not without some patches of fur being burnt and missing.

"Oh my god, Brian... You broke my hula hoop you son of a bitch!" said Peter as he then earned the angry glares of everyone else in the room, "What?"

At that moment, the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it," said Lois as she goes to answer the door. There stood Valarie, Jillian, and her children, "Hello Valerie. What brings you here?"

"I've got news for Zack," said Valarie, "Your great grandfather, Amos McDuff, passed away."

"Out of curiosity, how did your grandfather pass away?" asked Brian to Valarie.

**Flashback**

A Scotsman known as Amos McDuff who resembled Zack, except he was really old, was watching TV.

"And the winner of the 2008 election and our new US president is... Barack Obama!" said the TV announcer.

"WHAT?!?! That lousy Ni- AAAAAAAUUUGGHHHH!!!" he screamed as he clutched his heart and died from a heart attack.

**End Flashback**

"It's better that you don't know," said Valarie in embarrassment.

"Poor great grandpa Amos," said Zack sadly, "I loved the man. You would always take us to his summer home for a visit. My heart aches with grief."

"We all get to inherit stuff!" said Jillian.

"But suddenly it feels better," said Zack suddenly upbeat.

"So what did you guys get?" asked Chris.

"He left me his old grandfather clock," said Jillian, "It smelled funny, though. Wonder why?"

**Flashback**

A teenaged Valarie and a teenaged Lois stumbled drunkly into the living room of Amos' mansion while holding onto their stomachs.

"Oh man. I, like, feel so queasy," slurred Valarie, "Maybe we shouldn't have drank that whole keg..."

"I knew this dare was a bad idea," slurred Lois, "I think I'm gonna hurl!"

Lois then throws up into the grandfather clock.

"Lois? Are you-" she said before she, too, threw up into the grandfather clock. She and Lois then pass out.

**End Flashback**

"It probably just needs some cleaning," said Valarie, "Anyway, he left me his art collection."

"What kind of paintings did you get?" asked Lois.

"Van Gogh, Picasso, Da Vinci, Disney... you know, the ones who have stupid names," said Valarie.

"What am I getting?" asked Zack.

"In his will he said he's leaving his yacht," said Jillian.

"Really?" asked Zack in surprise, "No way!"

"Wow, Zack, congratulations," said Lois.

"We've gotta celebrate!" said Zack, "This weekend, we and all our friends are having a yacht party

"Did you hear that, Maddie?" asked Meg with excitement, "We're having a party!"

"Awesome!" said Maddie, "I've always wanted to be out at sea."

"Me too," said Tilly, "I was gonna go crazy if I had to be cooped up in a room with CJ this weekend."

**Flashback**

In Tilly and CJ's room, Tilly has a lot of huge machinery operating in the room, taking up about one third of the entire room. CJ then walks into the room.

"Hey, sis. Is it alright if I play with my toys here?" asked CJ as he puts down a few small toys to play with.

"UGH!!! You always take up too much space in this room!" complained Tilly.

**End Flashback**

Later that weekend out at the sea, the family and neighbors were having the party Zack's new yacht. The guests where the following people: Jillian, Tilly, CJ, Valarie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe, Bonnie, Kevin, Jack and Phoebe. Everybody had been partying for hours.

"Awesome idea, bro," said Jack as he was limboing.

"Yeah, it was so nice of you to invite us all," said Phoebe, "You didn't have to do this."

"Hey, I wanted to share the wealth," said Zack, "What good is having a yacht without friends to share it with?"

"Well, I'm pooped," said Quagmire.

"Me too," said Phoebe, "I'm going to go lie down."

The guests then leave the deck, leaving Lois to clean up the whole mess they left during the party.

"Look at this mess," said Lois, "Peter, I want you to clean this up."

"What? But half this stuff isn't even mine!" said Peter.

"You're right," said Zack pointing to a bunch of beer cans and junk food wrappers, "It's ALL yours."

"Oh fine," said Peter as he picks up most of the trash and tosses it out to sea

"Dad, you shouldn't be throwing the trash into the ocean," said Meg, "It's pollution!"

"C'mon, Meg," said Peter, "What's the worse thing it could do?"

Meanwhile underneath the ship in the vast ocean, Ariel (AKA The Little Mermaid) was quickly swimming around an ocean filled with oil, trash, and the bones of her dead fish companions.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYY?????" she shouts out across the sea.

Back on the ship, Maddie walks by looking a little green.

"Poor baby," said Meg as she picked her up, "What's the matter?"

"I don't know..." said Maddie all woozy like, "I feel kinda sea sick."

Meg then walks over to the edge of the boat where Maddie throws up into the ocean.

"OH COME ONE!!!" screamed Ariel in frustration.

"Well I want you to clean this mess properly while I go put Stewie to bed. He's really cranky right now," said Lois as she walked away.

"Of course I'm awfully cranky," said Stewie, "I was having a sexy party but it was rudely interrupted."

**Flashback**

Somewhere earlier on the yacht, Stewie is chasing around a bunch of women in their lingerie giggling. They then stop, dance and run around again.

"What the hell is going on over here?" asked Maddie as she Tilly and CJ walked into the scene.

"I believe Stewie is participating in festivities involving erotica through the means of scantily clad women," said Tilly as everyone else blinked at her, "He's having a sexy party."

"Alright! Sexy part!" shouted CJ as he took off his shirt and did the truffle shuffle.

"Eeeek! It's hideous!" shouted the woman in horror as she looked at CJ's fat ripple.

"It's almost hypnotic!" said another as they ran away screaming.

"Quick ladies! You'll be safe in here!" said Quagmire as they all ran into his quarters. He then puts out a _Do Not Disturb_ sign and locks the room.

**End Flashback**

As soon as Lois, Zack, and Meg leave sight, Peter whips out his flamethrower.

"Peter, what the hell are you doing?" asked Brian.

"What does it look like?" asked Peter, "I'm going to dispose of this mess."

"Peter, you can't use that flamethrower," said Brian, "It's dangerous. The ship will catch on fire!"

"Brian, look around you," said Peter, "What are we on? What are we surrounded by? The ship is on water. We are practically invincible. Now who's the idiot?"

"Ooh! I know! It's Brian! Brian's the idiot!" sang Chris, "Brian's the idiot! Brian's the idiot! Hahahahaha!!! Hahahahahaha!!! Hahahahaha! Hahaha- Oh I poo'd myself."

"Now stand back while I take out the trash," said Peter as he shot his flamethrower, accidentally setting the ship on fire.

"You know, I'd gloat right now if you hadn't doomed us all," said Brian, "...Oh what the hell. Yeeeeeah! Told you so!"

"What do we do?" panicked Chris.

"Stay calm," said Peter, "Just let me think..."

**Flashback**

"Fine, but answer me this," said the salesman, "Let's say your house catches on fire. Can you use a leaf blower to save your family? No, because it will just make the flames bigger. So what do you do? You fight fire with fire."

**End Flashback**

"That's what we'll do!" said Peter, "We'll fight fire with fire!"

"Peter, that's the stupidest logic I've ever heard!" said Brian annoyed.

"Stupid?... or freaking brilliant?" asked Peter as he tried to fight the fire with fire only to make the flames bigger, "No, you're right. It IS stupid logic."

"What's going on?" asked Bonnie.

"MY YACHT!!!" shouted Zack.

"You see, Zack, there comes a time where when an event happens it's nobody's fault-" said Peter.

"Quick, dad, use this!" said Meg as she handed Peter a fire extinguisher.

Peter then hastily tosses the extinguisher into the fire. It blows up and makes the fire even bigger.

"Here's another one!" said Zack as he handed him another fire extinguisher, "This time do it right!"

"Way ahead of you," said Peter as he held it upright... and tossed it into the fire causing it to explode and make the flames bigger.

"PETER! He said do it right!" said Joe.

"I did!" said Peter, "I had it upside down last time!"

"We've got to abandon ship!" said Valarie, "Get the life boat ready!"

With that, everyone hastily gets onto the life boat and drift away from the burning sinking yacht.

"My grandpa's yacht!" said Zack sadly, "You burnt down my grandpa's yacht!"

"I know! I can't believe it either," said Peter, "It must've been made of something crappy, like wood... or Meg."

"Oh that's it!" said Zack as he was about to strangle Peter, but Lois stops him.

"Zack that's enough," said Lois, "The important thing is that we're all alive."

"I wonder what happened to my sexy party girls?" asked Stewie.

"I'm pretty sure they made it out in time," said Maddie.

After the yacht completely sinks, a bunch of women's underwear floats to the surface.

"Well look on the bright side," said Joe, "So you lost your grandfather's most prized possession. It could've been worse."

"Yeah," said Peter, "We could've been hit by a tidal wave."

At that very moment, a huge tidal wave is coming their way.

"I hate you..." said Zack.

"Join the club," said Meg.

The wave then comes crashing down on the family, destroying their lifeboat. 5 hours later, Zack slowly regains consciousness and finds him, and everyone else on a beach.

"Ugh... my head," groaned Zack.

"Is everybody alright?" asked Lois as she too gained consciousness.

"I think so," said Meg as she looked at her new surroundings, "Where are we?"

"I'm not sure, but I think we're on a desert island," said Brian.

"Really? Cool!" said Jillian as she ran up to a tree and bit it, "OW! This doesn't taste like candy at all!"

"I said desert island, not DESSERT island," said Brian.

"Your point being?" asked Jillian.

"Great. Now we're stranded," said Phoebe.

"You know, this wouldn't have happened if you didn't set the ship on fire!" said Zack.

"He's right!" said Joe, "Let's get him!"

"Hey, YOU were the one who got the ship!" said Peter.

"He's right!" said Joe, "Let's get HIM!"

"Well you're the one who bought the flamethrower!" said Zack.

"He's right!" said Joe, "Let's get HIM!"

"Well you're the one who wanted a leaf blower in the first place!" said Peter.

"He's right!" said Joe, "Let's get HIM!"

"You're the one who jumped in the pile of leaves!" said Zack.

"He's right!" said Joe, "Let's get HIM!"

"We'll YOU'RE the one who chose to marry Meg and thus causing a chain of events to happen including this one," said Peter.

"..." Zack thinks for a moment, "...You win this one, Griffin..."

"So which one do we get?" asked Joe.

"Enough!" said Lois, "Blaming each other isn't going to get us anywhere."

"Mom's right," said Meg, "We're going to have to figure out a way to get off this island."

"Relax, I'm a natural born survival," said Peter, "I know exactly what to do."

"Are you sure about that, Mr. Griffin?" asked Phoebe.

"I'm positive," said Peter, "It's in my blood. I'll be just like my ancestor, Robinson Crusoe Griffin."

**Flashback**

On a desert island, a man in tattered rag that looks just like Peter is lying down on a hammock.

"When you're done with that, Friday, I need another coconut shake," said Robinson.

A man resembling Zack in tribesman clothing walks by.

"God, I hope my descendant never meets yours," said Friday annoyed.

**End Flashback**

"And he never did," said Peter as Zack blankly stares at him, "What?"

"The first thing we have to do is find some food," said Zack.

We don't need to do that," said Peter, "We'll all just resort to cannibalism. Bonnie will go first since she's basically a two for one meal."

"What? You can't possibly be serious!" said Bonnie in horror.

"Sorry, but he does have a point, Bonnie," said Joe.

"No one has to eat anyone," said Tilly, "Judging by the environment and plantlife, I'm pretty sure there's some form of supplement on the island."

"Smart Jillian's right," said Peter, "Meg, you're dispensable. You go into that dark jungle and get us some wood."

"No way!" said Meg, "Besides, Maddie got sick from the yacht and I think the tidal wave made her feel worse. I'm not leaving my baby out of my sight!"

"I don't feel so good..." groaned Maddie as she coughs up some water and a fish.

"Ah geez, you're right," said Peter, "You should take her with you."

"I'll go get food," said Kevin, "The jungle is too dangerous of a place for a girl and your baby needs you."

"Thanks Kevin," said Meg, "That is so sweet of you."

Zack then rolls his eyes. He's still a little uneasy about Kevin and still remembers the dream he had while he was in a coma. He was going to keep his eye on him.

"I'm going with him!" said Zack, "I also want to find food for my family. My loving family and my loving wife who would never leave me for someone else..."

Zack and Kevin then leave the group.

"You know what we should do while wait for them?" asked Peter, "We should play a game of charades."

"That kinda sounds like fun," said Lois.

"I like charades," said Bonnie.

"Okay, I'm thinking of a movie," said Peter as then begins to do a bunch of silly gestures.

"Brokeback mountain!" said Joe.

"Gone with the Wind," said Bonnie.

"Superman Returns!" said Chris.

"Fight Club!" said Meg.

"Batman!" shouted Stewie, "Batman Returns! Batman Forever! Batman & Robin! Batman Begins! Batman Ends! Batman Goes to the Laundromat! Batman & Another Cheap Cash in on his intellectual property!"

Lois then looks up in the sky and sees an airplane.

"AIRPLANE!!!" shouted Lois as Peter ignored her, "AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE! AIRPLANE!"

"Lois, please," said Peter annoyed, "If you got it wrong the first time, don't try again the next 7 times."

"No, there's an airplane above us!" said Lois.

"We're saved" said Quagmire, "OVER HERE!!!"

"Oh, they can't hear us," said Lois, "We need to gain their attention, somehow."

"Way ahead of you!" said Peter as he pulled up Lois' shirt.

The plane then suddenly loses control, crashes into the ocean, and blows up.

"Peter! You made the plane crash!" said Lois.

"What plane?" drooled Brian as he and Quagmire stared at Lois' chest.

She then quickly closes her shirt in embarrassment. Zack and Kevin return from their trip to the jungle.

"I was able to find a bunch of bananas," said Kevin.

"I don't know if Maddie can eat bananas," said Meg, "She's kinda weak and can't really chew."

"HA!" laughed Zack, "That's why _I_ brought berries! They're softer for my kid to chew on."

"Zack, I hear certain jungle berries can be poisonous," said Brian.

Zack then pops one into his mouth and eats it.

"Tastes fine to... glaaaaaaah!!!" chokes Zack as he clutches onto his throat, falls to the floor, and vomits uncontrollably.

"Someone help him!" panicked Meg.

Peter grabs a stick and pokes at him a little as he twitches.

"Don't worry," said Kevin as he mashed up some herbs with a rock and placed them into Zack's mouth along with some water, "I remember studying about these herbs at school. They can cure most poisons."

"(cough)...Okay, so the berries were a bad idea," coughed Zack as he stopped vomiting.

"Anyway, I'll mash up the bananas so they're easy for Maddie to eat," said Kevin.

"Oh, thank you Kevin!" said Meg as he hugged him, "You're the best."

"Yeah... Thanks Kevin," said Zack as he rolled his eyes.

"That's our boy," said Bonnie proudly, "Isn't he so helpful?"

"Yeah, if he keeps it up and he might just steal Meg from you, Zack," teased Joe.

Zack then solemnly scowls at Joe's remark. Later that evening, Peter attempts to set up a campfire by rubbing sticks together.

"Peter, are you sure you know what you're doing?" asked Lois.

"Why are you even asking that question?" asked Zack, "The answer's always NO!"

"I'll have you know that my great ancestor, Ug Griffin, invented fire!" said Peter.

**Flashback**

Millions of years ago in the stone age, a caveman Ug Griffin, who resembles a Neanderthal Peter is clacking rocks together behind his butt. A cavewoman resembling Lois walks by.

"Why you bang rocks behind butt?" asked cavewoman Lois.

"Ug try to make farts louder," said Ug.

Ug farts at the sparks caused by the rocks which sets cave Meg's leopard skinned hat on fire.

"HAHAHAHA!!!" laughed Ug, "What loser!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I HOPE DECENDANT NO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP IN FUTURE!" she screamed.

**End Flashback**

"And she never did," said Peter as Meg blankly stares at him, "What?"

"What about that flamethrowing thingy?" asked Jillian.

"Yeah, grandpa," said Tilly, "Why don't you try using it for something other than almost getting us killed?"

"No way," said Peter, "That thing has caused us nothing but trouble and for the sake of my family, I will never use it again."

"...There's a bug on those sticks," said Tilly.

"Got it," said Peter as he quickly pulled out the flamethrower and set the pile of sticks on fire.

"So this is what it's like to be stranded," said Stewie, "This is nothing like my fantasies of being stranded... You know, the ones where the male sailors come to my rescue."

"...Uh..." Brian stares at Stewie.

"...Um... But then I destroy them and commandeer their ship as a means of finding land!" finished Stewie, trying to save face.

"...Gay..." said Brian.

"MUTANT!" shouted Stewie.

Next to them, Meg is cradling Maddie who is slowly, but surely getting better.

"Are you feeling better?" asked Meg.

"A little," sniffled Maddie.

"Glad to see you're doing okay," said Kevin.

"This campfire should keep us warm enough for the night," said Brian.

"We all better get some sleep," said Lois, "Maybe tomorrow, we'll try to figure a way out of here."

"Goodnight, Lois," said Peter as he closed he and the other's closed their eyes.

Much later in the middle of the night, Lois feels the presence of warms lips over her's.

"Peter.. I'm trying to sleep-" she said before she opens her eyes to see that she was kissing Valarie, "AAAAHHH!!!"

"AAHHHH!!!" screamed Valarie, "What the hell! I thought we were done with that kind of stuff years ago!"

"Hey, YOU kissed ME!" said Lois, "I was sleeping next to Peter."

"Hey, it's not like I wanted this to happen!" said Valarie.

"Hey, will you stop arguing!" said Quagmire, "You made me miss a shot with my camera. I was up all night moving you girls!"

"Wait a minute!" said Lois, "YOU did that?"

"...Whoops?" asked Quagmire innocently.

**5 seconds later....**

"Goodnight girls," said Quagmire with a black eye and missing teeth while sitting atop a palm tree.

"Goodnight, Glen..." said Valarie angrily.

"Sleep tight, Glen..." said Lois angrily.

The two then go back to sleep. A few more hours later, Peter wakes up and notices Zack is about to leave into the jungle.

"Hey, where the heck are you going?" asked Peter.

"I'm gonna go look for some more food," said Zack.

"Aren't jungles kinda dangerous at night?" asked Peter.

"I DON'T FEEL EMASCULATED BY KEVIN AT ALL!!! STOP RUBBING IT IN!" shouted Zack.

"...I didn't even mention Kevin," said Peter, "You want to talk about this?"

"...It's... nevermind, let's just go get some food," said Zack.

"C'mon, just talk this out with me," said Peter, "I'll hang on to your every word."

"Okay... ever since we got stranded, it seems that Kevin's been showing me up," said Zack, "Meg keeps getting impressed by him and he seems to be doing a good job in helping Maddie feel better. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm afraid Meg will like him better than me. You understand, Peter?"

"Huh?" asked Peter as he dug into his ear, "Sorry, couldn't hear you. I thought I had something gay in my ear for a second there."

"....Nevermind... C'mon," said Zack.

A little later, Peter and Zack trek into the jungle in search of something edible.

"Hey, Zack," said Peter, "You know what would be fun? If we played I Spy. You wanna play I Spy?"

"No," said Zack.

"I spy, with my little eye, something that is green," said Peter.

"We're in the jungle," said Zack, "The grass is green, the trees are green... hell, my overshirt is green! Pick a different color."

"Okay, I spy with my little eye something that has a color that begins with G," said Peter.

"G better not mean green," said Zack threateningly.

"Okay, I spy with my little eye something that has a color that ends with reen," said Peter.

"....Hey, I see some coconuts!" said Zack pointing to a tall palmtree.

"Okay, I'll climb up there and toss the coconuts at you," said Peter.

"I get it," said Zack in realization, "You toss them down and I catch them."

"Who said anything about you catching them?" asked Peter.

Peter then begins to climb the tree, but his weight bends the tree downwards to the side.

"Well, I guess this works too," said Zack as he grabs onto a coconut.

"Let me get that for you," said Peter as he was getting off.

"NO, PETER, DON'T- AAAAAHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......" screamed Zack as he was flung by the tree all the way to the other side of the island.

"Uh oh...." said Peter as he slowly backs away and then runs back to the campsite.

"Peter, where have you been?" asked Lois.

"And where's Zack?" asked Meg.

"You see, Meg, there comes a time where when an event happens it's nobody's fault-" said Peter.

"That guy who was screaming in the sky was Zack wasn't it?" asked Joe.

"I know! Wasn't it awesome?" asked Peter, "He was all like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... He was moving faster than Kenyans."

"Did you see which way he fell?" asked Lois.

"He flew all the way to the other side of the island," said Peter.

"That place is uncharted," said Cleveland, "He could be in real danger."

"Relax," said Peter, "I'm sure wherever he is, he's safe."

Meanwhile on the other side of the island, Zack pulls his head from the ground after his hard landing.

"Well Peter, you've done it again," said Zack to himself, "You've given me yet another headache. Well, it can't get any worse than this."

Suddenly, a bunch of tribesmen surround Zack while pointing their spears at him.

"Perhaps I spoke too soon," said Zack.

Back at the campsite...

"We have to find him!" said Meg.

"Jack and Phoebe, you two stay with the kids while we find Zack," said Lois.

"No problemo," said Jack.

"Yeah, this'll give us the perfect opportunity to practice being parents," said Phoebe, "And besides, they're just kids. They shouldn't cause us too much trouble."

Meanwhile, Stewie walks around and finds Peter's flamethrower.

"Hello, what's this?" asked Stewie deviously.

Later, the rest are trekking through the jungle until they find a hole in the shape of Zack's body.

"It looks like he landed right here," said Peter.

"Looks like there's footprints around here," said Joe pointing to the ground, "This island may not be so deserted after all."

"Oh my gosh!" said Meg with worried, "What if he was eaten by cannibals?"

"Don't be silly," said Jillian, "Cannon balls don't have teeth. They can't eat him."

"We can't jump to conclusions just yet," said Valarie.

"Valarie's right," said Brian, "We should keep searching, but where do we start?"

"Why don't we ask those tribesmen in that village over there if they've seen any tribesmen," said Jillian.

"Why didn't I just buy her a blonde wig instead of teaching her about bleaching?" asked Valarie in frustration.

Back at the campsite, Phoebe and Jack are keeping an eye on the children.

"Hey, Jack," shouted Phoebe, "How are you and Stewie holding up?"

"HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!!!!" screamed Jack as he was holding onto a tree while Stewie tried to shoot him with his flamethrower.

"Die you feeble man!" laughed Stewie.

"Oh, Lois says that's just his way of saying he likes you," laughed Phoebe.

Maddie walks up to Tilly who is making something out of coconut halves.

"What are you doing?" asked Maddie.

"I'm trying to construct a two way radio," said Tilly, "I could try to contact help from a nearby ship."

"Any luck?" asked Maddie.

"Negative," said Tilly, "All I keep getting are lame internet podcasts."

Tilly then turns on her radio and tunes into one of Norm Augustinus's internet podcasts.

_"Hi, I'm Norm Augustinus. Thanks... for listening! REMEMBER THE TIME I DID SOMETHING REALLY NASTY? SOMETHING SEXUAL AND EXPLICIT OR SOMETHING DOWNRIGHT DISGUSTING? RATHER THAN BE CREATIVE, I'LL KEEP USING SEXUAL SLANG EVERY TEN SECONDS LIKE-"_

Tilly then turns off the radio and begins working on it some more.

**(A/N: I love Norm's youtube videos, but I f(bleep)king HATE his podcasts!)**

"What are you making there, Tilly?" asked Phoebe.

"A podcast streamer," said Maddie.

"It was SUPPOSED to be a two way radio," said Tilly sadly, "But that didn't work out."

"C'mon, you should be used to failure by now," said Maddie, "Remember when you invented the invisible airplane?"

**Flashback**

At the Griffin backyard, Tilly is showing off her new invention to her friends.

"I present to you, the invisible airplane!" said Tilly proudly.

"Tilly?" asked Stewie, "One wing is lopsided."

"...CRAP!" said Tilly in frustration.

**End Flashback**

"I couldn't help but notice that your brother looks like the fat kid," said Phoebe, "And he acts like him, too."

"OH MY GOD! I'M DROWNING!" shouted CJ as he jumps into the water after his own reflection.

"It's purely coincidental," lied Tilly, "God, I REALLY hope that isn't genetic."

"It's okay if he is your father," said Phoebe, "At least you have one."

"You didn't have one?" asked Maddie.

"My dad ditched me before I was born," said Phoebe sadly, "I don't know anything about him."

"Well, maybe someday you'll meet him," said Maddie.

"I hope so, too," said Phoebe, "In fact, for some reason I feel as if he could be close by... giggity."

Meanwhile outside of the village where the group is, Quagmire shudders a little.

"What's wrong?" asked Peter.

"I dunno," said Quagmire, "I felt a strange, yet familiar presence.... giggity."

"Okay, we need to get in that village and rescue Zack," said Lois, "But we need a distraction of some sort."

"Alright, here's the plan," whispered Joe, "Peter will jump in front of the village and scream out Smorgasbord! The cannibals chase him while we rush in there and rescue Zack. Any questions?"

"I got one," whispered Quagmire, "See that native chick over there?"

"What about her?" whispered Joe.

"You think she puts out?" whispered Quagmire.

"Quagmire, do you ever stop thinking about sex?" whispered Cleveland.

"Yeah, when I'm playing chess," whispered Quagmire.

**Flashback**

Quagmire is playing chess against Peter.

"Hey, have you ever notice that pawns kinda look like penises?" asked Quagmire.

**End Flashback**

"No, you're right. I never do stop thinking about sex," whispered Quagmire.

"Well you should stop it," whispered Valarie, "It's a very unhealthy thing to do psychologically. Besides, this isn't even about sex. This is about my son."

"Mrs. Murdock is right," whispered Meg, "We should be rescuing Zack."

"...Wait, why are we still whispering?" whispered Lois.

"...What?" whispered Joe.

"SHE SAID WHY ARE WE WHISPERING!!!" shouted Peter.

A spear then hits a tree that was inches away from Peter's face.

"Oh crap, they spotted us," said Joe.

The tribesfolk surround everybody, pointing their spears at them.

"You don't want to eat me," begged Peter, "I'm a diabetic and by eating me, you'll just get diabetes."

The tribesmen poke their spears at them from behind and force them to walk into the village.

"Well, this sucks," said Valarie.

"Yeah, we're about to become dinner," said Meg.

"Maybe if didn't come back for him..." said Kevin to himself.

"You better not be talking about my husband!" said Meg, "I love him and I'd do anything for him!"

"Oh, hey guys," said Zack as he was resting on a hammock.

"Zack?" asked Meg as she ran up and hugged him, "You're alive!"

"Yeah, these tribesfolk brought me back here after I fell," said Zack.

"You mean, you didn't eat him?" asked Bonnie.

"Of course not," laughed the village chief heartily, "We're not cannibals. We're peaceful people."

"Then... why the spears," asked Peter.

"We just love to screw with peoples' heads," said the chief, "Don't you?"

"...Touche," said Peter.

Much later, the rest of the family are at the village, telling their tale of how they got stranded.

"And that's pretty much what happened," said Lois.

"I see," said the village chief, "Perhaps we can be of help. Follow me."

Everyone then follows him to the shoreline where they see a large boat.

"You can use this to get to your home," he said, "But if you'd like, you can take any souvenir home with you."

"Really? I know what I want!" said Quagmire as he ran to the village. He tries to grab the girl he saw earlier, but a loud slap could be heard, "Ow!"

"Father, he tried to touch me!" she said to the village chief.

"Doesn't everybody?" he asked as he rolled his eyes.

Hours later after a long boat ride, the family makes it back to Rhode Island and are headed home.

"Glad that's over," said Zack, "It's good to be back in Quahog and away from that island."

"Especially since you got so jealous of Kevin," teased Meg.

"I wasn't jealous!" said Zack, "I was merely... Okay, yeah, I was jealous."

"Well don't worry," said Meg, "You're the only man for me, anyway."

"So, how did you bond with the kids?" asked Lois to Phoebe.

"It was a really great experience," said Phoebe, "I actually want kids when I get married."

"I don't..." said Jack who was all burnt up.

"Well, I just can't wait to see the sight of our beautiful home," said Lois.

As they arrive, the find Ariel in her human form throwing garbage, toilet paper, and just plain vandalizing their house.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" she laughed maniacally, "IT'S NOT SO FUNNY WHEN IT HAPPENS TO _YOUR_ HOME NOW IS IT?"

She then runs off, laughing to herself evilly.

"What the hell was her problem?" asked Peter.

**End Chapter.**


	30. Attack of the 50 Foot Toddler

**Chapter 30: Attack of the 50 Foot Toddler**

It was morning at the Quahog Preschool center and Mrs. Lockheart had a very big announcement to make.

"Class, I have an important announcement," said Mrs. Lockheart, "This year the Quahog preschool center will be performing a play: The Nutcracker."

"Ooh! Oh! I want a part!" shouted CJ as he walked up to Cody and kicked him in the nuts.

"OWWWW!!!" screamed Cody as he fell to the floor and clutched onto his crotch.

"No, CJ, it's not THAT kind of nutcracker," said Mrs. Lockheart.

"Really? What kind of boring play is this?" asked Cody as he was still writhing in pain.

"This week we'll be having auditions," said Mrs. Lockheart, "So if you want the lead parts, I suggest you all practice and participate."

"Sounds kinda gay," said Cody.

"Did I mention one of the parts is the mouse king who has several heads?" asked Mrs. Lockheart.

"A freak? Me likey!" said Cody.

"Mrs. Lockheart?" asked Stewie as he raised his hand.

"No, you can't be Clara," said Mrs. Lockheart.

Stewie then slowly lowers his hand.

"I'm going to try for the part of Clara," said Olivia, "How about you, Maddie?"

"Nah, I'm not into the whole play thing anymore," said Maddie, "I still remember the embarrassment that was Little Red Riding Hood."

**Flashback**

During a preschool play of Little Red Riding Hood, Red Riding hood, played by Maddie, was visiting the Wolf, played by a random preschooler.

"And my, what big teeth you have?" asked Maddie.

"The better to eat you with, my dear!" snarled the preschooler as he chased Maddie.

"Don't worry, Maddie! I'll save you!" shouted Peter as he ran on stage and chased the boy with an axe, "Try to eat MY granddaughter, will you?"

"PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!" screamed the boy, "I'M NOT A REAL WOLF!"

"That's what they ALL say," said Peter.

Maddie groans and places her palm onto her face.

**End Flashback**

"Well, it's not like you would get the part anyway," mocked Eliza.

"What do mean?" asked Maddie annoyed.

"I mean, look at you," said Eliza, "You're funny looking enough as it is with your flame head and your huge sandwich shaped nose."

"R-really?" asked Maddie as she covered her nose in embarrassment.

"Hey, you can't talk about my little sister that way!" said Cody, "Her nose may be big, even bigger than the size of my fist, and funny looking like a triangle and almost does look like the triangular half of a sandwich and when boogers drip I call it cheese.... Wait, where was I going with this?"

"Maddie's nose is just fine!" said Olivia sternly, "In fact it makes her look pretty."

"Thanks, Olivia," said Maddie.

"See, it's not big at all," said Olivia as she rubbed on her nose a little, "It's... rather smooth and silky... almost as smooth as the lips of two lovers-"

"What?" asked Maddie in confusion.

"Uh, I was just wiping something off," said Olivia.

"Cookie..." said Janet slyly.

"You shut up!" said Olivia.

Later at home, the family is sitting in the living room watching TV as usual.

"We now return to the Price is Right with guest host, Vegeta," said the TV announcer guy.

**Cutaway to TV**

"How much do you bid for the item?" asked Vegeta.

"500," said a woman.

"550," said a man.

"631," said another man.

"720," said another woman.

"1090," said another man.

"And the actual retail price is..." said Vegeta as he then froze in shock after taking the paper from the envelope.

"Vegeta!" said Nappa from behind the camera, "What is the actual retail price of the item up for bid?"

"...It's over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAND!!!!!" screamed Vegeta as he then went on a rampage.

He begins to shoot ki balls at the audience and tears the set apart. The scene is then quickly replaced with color bars and a loud beep.

**End Cutaway**

Just then, Maddie walks up to her parents with a question on her mind.

"Mom, dad," asked Maddie, "Is my nose too big?"

"Maddie, your nose is-" said Meg before she was interrupted.

"Meg, I'll handle it," said Peter, "She's only a child so we mustn't be abrupt. Maddie, I'll be truthful... yes, it's big. Big and ugly."

Maddie then sobs loudly as Zack and Meg scowl at Peter angrily.

"Well, I think it's the right size," said Meg as she hugged Maddie.

"It's just... Eliza said that my nose is too big," sniffled Maddie, "I guess she was right."

"Maddie, what you have is the Pewterschmidt nose," said Lois, "Your mother has it, I have it, your great grandma and grandpa have it. It's just something you inherited from my side of the family."

"So what you're saying is... that this is YOUR fault?" asked Maddie.

"No, what I'm saying is that you should embrace the fact that you have such a proud feature that-"

"HEY EVERYBODY!!!" shouted Maddie out the window, "MY NOSE IS THE SIZE OF MY FOOT AND IT'S ALL MY GRANDMA'S FAULT I HAVE IT!!!"

"C'mere you little..." said Lois frustrated as she covered her mouth and closed the window.

"Your nose is no big deal," said Meg, "Everyone is born with a strange trait."

"Your mother's right, sport," said Peter, "Everyone here has a strange trait. Chris has a large penis, my chin looks like balls, your grandmother has a big nose, Stewie has a football head, your father has long hair for a guy, and your mother... God, don't even get me started on your mother or we'll be here for hours. Anyway, the point is we have to accept these traits."

"But why did I have to have grandma's facial traits?" complained Maddie.

"Don't tell me you'd rather had been born with the Griffin facial traits," said Zack.

Maddie thinks to herself for a moment and imagines herself with Peter's nose and testicle chin just like Chris and CJ. She then imagines herself laughing obnoxiously like Peter and screams as she quickly swats away her horrific thought bubble.

"Ugh, you're right," said Maddie, "But why couldn't I have had YOUR nose, dad?"

"Well Maddie, it's a little thing called genetics," said Zack, "They're picked at random when you're conceived. We can't chose our facial features. You can't play God."

"...Or can I?" asked Maddie to herself as she was hatching an idea.

"Wait a minute, are you hatching a scheme to make your nose smaller?" asked Peter, "And don't you lie to me!"

"...Maybe?" asked Maddie.

"Well, you didn't say yes," said Peter as Lois glared at him, "What?"

Later at Jillian's apartment, Stewie and Maddie walk up to Tilly who was slowly pouring two chemicals together.

"Slowly...." said Tilly, "Delicately..."

"TILLY, I NEED YOUR HELP!!!" screamed Maddie.

Tilly then fumbles the chemicals, causing them to explode in her face.

"What was that, anyway?" asked Stewie.

"Oh, no big deal, really," said Tilly bitterly as she tossed the broken chemical vials, "Just a possible cure for cancer that took a month of back breaking work to prepare that just went down the crapper, but oh well. No big deal. Who gives a damn about the cure for cancer? And now that I'm done venting out my frustrations through sarcasm like Uncle Zack does all the time, what do you want?"

"Tilly, I need you to fix my nose," said Maddie.

"Why? Your nose is perfectly fine," said Tilly, "If this is about what Eliza said, well she's one to talk. Especially since SHE has a British smile."

"That's the thing I don't get about you women," said Stewie, "You're always so self conscious about your appearance. I'm too fat. My nose is too big. My hair isn't blonde enough. Men don't have these problems. That's why I prefer men."

"In more ways than you can imagine..." said Tilly.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Stewie.

"You'll find out when you get older," said Tilly.

"You don't need a nose job," said CJ as he walked up to his cousin, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I think you're a very beautiful looking girl."

"...EEEW! INCEST!!!" screamed Maddie as she shoved CJ away.

"Hey, I was just trying to make you feel better!" said CJ annoyed, "You're a more ungrateful bitch than grandma was when grandpa bought her that Christmas present."

**Flashback**

During Christmas morning of last year, Lois quickly opens her present from Peter.

"A muumuu?" asked Lois confused as she unfolded the large dress.

"Yeah, last night I couldn't help but notice that you had TWO pieces of fruitcake," said Peter, "So, um... just trying to be helpful you know."

She then throws the muumuu and box into the burning fireplace.

**End Flashback**

"I just want my nose to be smaller, like yours, Tilly!" begged Maddie, "Please, please, please, pleeeeeease!"

"Well I don't have a gene splicer," said Tilly, "But I can shrink your nose with my molecular compressor unit."

"A what?" asked Maddie.

"It's a device that can shrink the molecules of any item," said Stewie.

"Will it work on my nose?" asked Maddie.

"Does energy equal to mass times the speed of light to the second power?" asked Tilly as she garnered some stares, "The answer's freaking yes."

Later inside Tilly's room, Maddie is strapped to a lab table while a large ray is pointed towards her nose. Tilly was at the control panel, setting the controls.

"Okay, all you need to do is hold still while I adjust the frequency of the ion rays to the size of your nose and-" said Tilly as she was interrupted by Jillian who burst into the room.

"AHA! Maddie, your mother called and told me not to let you alter your nose with Tilly's science," said Jillian sternly.

"Did she say we couldn't alter it with my scientific methods?" asked Tilly.

"I guess not... Scientific methods are okay, then," said Jillian, "Anyway, lunch is ready. We're having salad. I'm just so sad that they have to cut off so many lettuce heads for it."

"Mom, vegetables don't have feelings!" said Tilly as she unstrapped Maddie and walked off.

"How could you say such a thing about your brother?" asked Jillian in shock.

CJ is about to join them, but notices that Stewie is messing with the control panel.

"Stewie, what are you doing?" asked CJ.

"I'm reversing the polarity flow to make myself into a giant!" said Stewie.

"But... why?" asked CJ.

"It will finally give me the advantage I need to rule the world and destroy that vile woman once and for all!" said Stewie.

"But... why?" asked CJ.

"Because I'm evil," said Stewie.

"But... why?" asked CJ.

"I don't know. Because I am," said Stewie.

"But... why?" asked CJ.

"Shut up!" said Stewie, "You ask too many questions!"

"....But... why?" asked CJ.

"Oh I can just see it now," said Stewie, "Me towering over the puny human population. At last, my life long dream shall be achieved! That wretched woman dead so she won't stand in my way! Me as supreme overlord of the world... No, no... the UNIVERSE! Nothing can stop me! Nothing I say! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"...Dude, have you ever thought about getting a hobby?" asked CJ.

"This is my hobby," said Stewie.

"A REAL hobby," said CJ.

At that moment, the girls could be heard coming back in the room.

"Crap, they're back!" said Stewie, "We'll have to wait later!"

"Okay, let's strap you back up and do this," said Tilly as she strapped Maddie back onto the table.

"Will this hurt?" asked Maddie.

"No," said Tilly, "But you'll be doing some yelling and grunting for no apparent reason."

Tilly then flips the switch. The tip of the ray lights up as it shoots a beam right at Maddie's nose.

"ARRRRGH!!! RRRRRRGH!!!" she yelled and grunted even though the beam was perfectly harmless.

"I wonder why they always do that?" asked Tilly.

She then turns off the machine. Maddie's nose had become smaller and in the shape of a normal nose like Tilly and Jillian's.

"It worked! My nose is... normal looking!" said Maddie. Her nose then lit up and then doubled in size. He nose had become more similar to Lois' than Meg's meaning that it took up a third of her face, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" screamed the other infants.

"What happened to my nose?!?!" panicked Maddie.

"Some idiot reversed the polarity flow while we were gone!" said Tilly angrily as she inspected the control panel.

"Dude, you forgot to put the settings back!" panicked CJ.

"What?" asked Stewie in horror, "Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"

"BECAUSE I'M AN IDIOT REMEMEBER???" shouted CJ as he shook Stewie, "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO???"

"Wait... YOU GUYS DID THIS???" shouted Maddie, "Thanks to you I look like Barbara Streisand minus the Jewish influence! How am I gonna explain this to my mom?"

"Don't you worry about a thing, Madeline," said Stewie, "With my expertise in disguising and camouflaging, that nose will be practically invisible."

Later, the two return home.

"So, did you have fun with Tilly?" asked Meg.

"Sure did, Mom, said Maddie who had a sock covering her nose, "Well, gotta go bye!"

"Wait a minute," said Lois as she walked by, "Why are you wearing a sock over your nose?"

"You weren't using Tilly's science on your nose, were you?" asked Zack sternly.

"No!... I just Happen to love the smell of grandpa's feet," lied Maddie.

"Then why are you desperately breathing from your mouth?" asked Peter.

"Because I'm a mouth breather," lied Maddie.

"But I thought you LOVED the smell of your grandpa's feet," said Meg suspiciously, "Aren't you going to inhale the lovely aroma?"

Maddie nervously darts her eyes. She inhales only a little and quickly removes the sock from her nose and quickly covers her face.

"MY GOD!!! IT SMELLS LIKE MY DEAD CAT!!!" screamed Maddie.

"Well, that's a huge blow to my self esteem," said Peter sadly.

"What are you hiding, kid?" asked Zack sternly.

"My nose is bleeding," lied Maddie.

"Oh, poor baby. Let me have a look at it," said Meg.

"No, it's, um, better!" lied Maddie.

"She's faking it like a college Coed," said Peter.

"You DID do something with your nose!" said Meg angrily as she forcefully parted Maddie's hands, "You lied to me, young lady!"

"NO! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!" sobbed Maddie, "PLEASE DON'T PUNISH ME!"

"Oh, wait... Nevermind," said Meg, "It looks like I was wrong."

"Huh?" asked Maddie as she looked at her nose. To her surprise, her nose was back to her normal size.

"Looks like you got lucky, kid," said Zack as he and the other adults left.

"Weird..." said Maddie as she felt her face, "My nose is back to it's normal size."

"Yes, I don't understand it either," said Stewie as he noticed something else, "Wait, wasn't I always a little taller than you?"

"I'unno," shrugged Maddie, "Your football head always did make you seem short. Not to mention Charlie Brown has a strange obsession with you. Duck."

Stewie quickly ducks as Charlie Brown tries to kick him.

"AAAAAAAUUGH!" screamed Charlie Brown.

"Oh Charlie Brown, will you EVER win?" chuckled Stewie.

"You could let him win right now," said Maddie.

"Shut up!" said Stewie.

The next day, Maddie is struggling to put on some socks. Brian then walks into the room with a newspaper and coffee at hand.

"What the heck are you doing?" asked Brian.

"My stupid sock won't fit anymore," said Maddie, "In fact, none of them do, except for the ones I wore yesterday!"

"Maybe you grew out of the- Holy crap!" said Brian as he noticed something.

"What?" asked Maddie.

"You're the same height as me!" said Brian.

"Really? Cool!" said Maddie as she glowed a little and grew a little more, "Um, what just happened?"

"I better get your parents," said Brian as he left the room.

"What? It's nothing to worry about," said Maddie, "It's just a little growth spurt," she then grew some more, "Okay, maybe not a little one," and more, "My God, what's happening to me?"

Outside of the room, Brian is bringing the others into the bedroom to show them what's happening.

"I'm telling you, Maddie is growing and getting bigger by the second!" said Brian.

"Brian, she's a baby," said Peter, "Don't make such a big deal out of a few inches."

"Yeah, Brian, you shouldn't get her hopes up," said Meg, "But it will be cute when we compare her height to the height char- HOLY SH(bleep)T!!!!"

"Hi..." said Maddie innocently as she had now grown to the point where she almost couldn't fit the room.

"Did you use science to do this?" asked Meg.

"No," lied Maddie as she then grew so large that she smashed the roof of the house, "Maybe a little."

"Maddie, what happened to you?" asked Zack.

"Stewie and I went to Aunt Jillian's and Tilly used a molecular compressor thingy on my nose except that it made it grow instead of shrink but then it made the rest of my body grow and now I keep getting bigger and bigger and I don't know why!" said Maddie quickly as she caught her breath.

"You DID lie to us!" said Zack.

"So is there anything else you'd like to let us know about?" asked Lois sternly.

"Yes..." said Maddie as she sniffed the air, "I need to be changed."

The odor from her diaper made all the plant life in the area quickly die. Everyone then looked at Meg.

"I'll do it..." sighed Meg.

"I'll get the hazmat suit," said Zack.

One humongous diaper change later, the Griffins are in the back yard with the now 50 foot Maddie to try to resolve the conflict at hand.

"I always wanted my baby to be big and strong, but not like THIS," cried Meg.

"It's okay. We can fix this," comforted Zack.

"We should probably get Tilly to reverse it," said Chris.

"No good," said Maddie, "The machine broke after she used it. I'm gonna be stuck like this forever..."

"Well you should look at the bright side, Madeline," said Stewie, "You'll have a BIG career ahead of you. Perhaps you can have a career as a large used car dealership mascot. Hahahah! Get it? Get it? Because used car dealerships always use large funny looking mascots and I also just implied that you are funny looking. Isn't that just very clever?" Maddie then quickly steps on Stewie with her left foot, "You got some gum on your shoe there, champ."

"What am I gonna do?" asked Maddie sadly, "I'm a 50 foot tall freak of nature.... I JUST WANNA BE NORMAL!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

She then sobs loudly as she breaks the windows of every house and car down the street, and causes the car alarms to go off. Her tears also begin to rain down on the family.

"Maddie, calm down! We'll cope with this," said Lois, "I mean, even as a 50 foot toddler, you're still the sweet innocent little girl you always were. How bad could it be?"

Later that day at the park, the family is calmly sitting on the park bench as Maddie plays near the sandbox. The other parents, however can't help but stare as a 50 foot toddler is playing alongside their normal sized children.

"Zack, they're all staring at her like she's a freak!" said Meg worriedly.

"Nah, they're just jealous," said Zack.

"Honey, look at the size of that girl!" said a woman to her husband.

"I know! I'm so jealous!" said the husband.

"Me too," said Tom Tucker, "Jake, why can't YOU be a freak of nature like her?"

"But I AM one!" said Jake.

"I meant the GOOD kind!" said Tom.

At the sandbox, Maddie is playing along with Tilly, Olivia, and Janet.

"And so because of Tilly's experiment, you're a giant?" asked Olivia.

"I believe the gender specific term you're looking for is giantess," said Tilly.

"Cookie," said Janet.

"She's right," said Olivia, "It doesn't matter. None of us has a fetish."

"Cookie..." said Janet as she rolled her eyes.

"Shut up!" said Olivia.

"What am I gonna do?" asked Maddie, "I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a giant."

"Well, that's why I'm working on the molecular compressor unit," said Tilly.

"Any luck?" asked Maddie.

"Negative," said Tilly, "Stewie reversed the polarity flow so far off that it fried the circuit board upon activation. I'll need to make a new unit from scratch."

"And how long will that take?" asked Olivia.

"Only a month," said Tilly.

"A MONTH?!" shouted Olivia, "She can't live like this for a whole month! Why can't you make one NOW?!"

"Because I need a particle accelerator, a time space helix adjuster, a transitional fusion energy core, and the crankshaft of a 1974 Datsun 260Z!" said Tilly, "Do you know how much of a bitch it is to get a crankshaft of a 1974 Datsun 260Z?"

On the other side of the playground, Stewie, CJ and Cody were playing with each.

"Nice one," said Cody, "Thanks to you, my half sister is the size of a tank."

"She's not the size of a tank," said Stewie, "She's the size of SEVERAL tanks stacked together."

"Do you guys have any idea how embarrassing it is to have a little sister bigger than you?" asked Cody.

"Try having one smarter than you," said CJ bitterly, "I'm still trying to figure out how she got all the brains and I didn't?"

**Flashback**

Jillian is in the kitchen of her apartment, preparing the baby formula for Tilly and CJ.

"Okay, I just need to get his cap off," said Jillian as she was trying to get the baby bottle cap off.

She pulls too hard and it flies out of the kitchen. Meanwhile in the living room, CJ is reciting the numbers to Pi.

"Pi is the ratio to any circle's circumference to his diameter," said CJ, "The digits are 3.14159-"

He is then promptly beaned by the bottle's flying baby bottle cap. Jillian runs into the room with worry.

"CJ, are you okay?" asked Jillian as she held him.

"Heh heh, poo," said CJ.

**End Flashback**

"It's probably because you're an idiot," said Stewie.

"Yeah, your father's one and his father's one, too," said Cody, "It's not like you were going to break that tradition, anyway."

"I guess you're right," said CJ, "I'm gonna ask fro some pie."

"Why does he keep saying pie all of a sudden anyway?" asked Stewie.

At that moment, that big red headed kid who stole Stewie's bike walks up to them. His shadow covers all three of them.

"Well well well. What have we got here?" asked the kid, "It looks like we have a funny looking kid, a fat kid, and a freak."

"Hey, you counted Stewie twice," said Cody as he stops and thinks for a minute, "...Oh, the freak remark was for ME wasn't it? And by the way, you're a fat kid, too!"

"This is MY playground, losers," he said, "Now give me your toys!"

"Over CJ's dead body!" said Cody.

"Yeah over... wait, what?" asked CJ.

"Alright, you asked for it!" he said he grabbed all three of them in a headlock with one arm and noogied them all at once.

"Let me go! You'll suffer for this!" shouted Stewie as he attempted to struggle free.

"Ouch! Watch the hair!" shouted Cody.

"That tickles!" laughed CJ.

The boys were then suddenly released from his grasp as the boy was grabbed by the gigantic Maddie who lifted him close to her face.

"Leave my friends alone, generic bully!" said Maddie angrily.

"My name's Charlie!" said the boy as his voice was filled with fear.

"You're name will be the _late_ Charlie if I catch you messing with them again! GOT IT?" threatened Maddie as she let him go.

"Yes, giant girl, sir.. I mean ma'am!" he said as he ran away, "MOMMY!!!"

"You guys okay?" asked Maddie as she knelt down towards the boys.

"Yeah, thanks sis," said Cody.

She then walks away to join back with the girls.

"Did you see that?" asked Stewie, "That bully cowered in fear at her size alone!"

"What are you hatching up?" asked CJ curiously.

"I'm saying that I could exploit this and use it to my advantage!" said Stewie.

"What?!?!" asked Cody angrily, "You're going to use your own niece for your own stupid and selfish purposes?"

"Yes and with her by my side, I'll be unstoppable!" said Stewie.

"You're going to take advantage of a huge one year old girl to do your dirty work?" asked Cody astonished, "I don't know who's more pathetic: you or my babysitter Suicidy."

**Flashback**

At Cody's house, Suicidy(yes, the same one from "Autumn's Piano") is on a chair with a rope around her neck. Cody walks into the room.

"Suicidy, where's dinner?" asked Cody.

"It's on the table," she said.

"What are you doing?" asked Cody.

"Ending it all," she cried, "Goodbye, cruel world!"

Suicidy then takes a leap off the chair, but the rope stretches and she hilariously faceplants onto the floor.

"Umm, you do know stretchable elastic jump ropes aren't ideal for suicide, right?" asked Cody.

"...Crap..." said Suicidy.

**End Flashback**

The next day, Peter and Zack were on the roof setting up Christmas lights early.

"Exactly why are we doing this?" asked Zack.

"Because it's almost winter and Lois wanted us to get a head start," said Peter, "And why are you so wary. You act like you've fallen off the roof before."

"I have. Remember when I was struck by lighting?" asked Zack, "And Christmas Eve of last year... and when I was trying to get Maddie's football... and when I was trying to get my ipod... and when I was trying to get Lois' DVD burner..."

"Don't forget your wedding photo," said Peter.

"What?" asked Zack as he went looking through the rain gutters, "Oh, I sure as hell better not find my photo up here!"

"Yeah, I needed something that I could use as a piece of a kite, but it was too heavy," said Peter, "I think it was weighed down by crapiness."

"Dammit! You DID throw it up here!!!" shouted Zack.

"We can sit around her blaming each other for throwing our cherished valuables or we can put the lights up," said Peter, "Now help me untangle these lights."

"Damn, they're stuck good," said Zack as he tried to untangle them.

"Okay, you pull one end, I'll pull the other," said Peter.

They both as hard as they could and forcefully untangle the mess. Unfortunately, Zack's momentum causes him to fall backwards and off the roof, while hanging to the end of the Christmas light.

"Not again!" said Zack, "Man I hate this part!"

At that moment, Spider-Man shows up on a tree.

"Spider-Man! Thank god you're here!" said Zack, "You've gotta save me!"

"Sorry, but everybody only gets one," said Spidey.

"But you didn't even catch me!" said Zack.

"Really?" asked Spidey, "Well... let me know how this one turns out, bye!"

Spider-Man then swings away, leaving poor Zack stuck. His grip, however begins to slip and he is sent plummeting down to the concrete driveway. Instead of meeting certain doom on the pavement, he instead finds himself on Maddie's hand.

"Thanks, Maddie," said Zack relieved as she set him down.

"God job, Maddie!" said Meg as she ran up to Maddie, "You saved your father! I'm so proud of you!"

"Wow, being big does have it's advantages," said Lois.

"Yeah, I've been helping a lot of people all day," said Maddie.

"She even helped me," said Meg, "You should've seen how she stuck for me against Connie and her friends."

**Flashback**

Meg is walking out of the school when she's spotted by Connie and her cool friends.

"Hey Meg," said Connie as she looked around warily, "Is your husband around?"

"No, just my daughter," said Meg.

Good, so I can say this without getting hurt," said Connie snidely, "My Meg, are you pregnant again? Oh wait, you ALWAYS look like that."

She and her friends then laugh as Maddie walks onto the scene angrily.

"What did you say about my mom?" threatened Maddie.

"...My you're big," said Connie nervously, "Have you been taking vitamins?"

Maddie then brings her foot down on Connie...

**End Flashback**

"Anyway, we're all very proud of you," said Lois as she and the others left.

As soon as they leave, Stewie walks outside while fake crying.

"Wah. Wah. Oh whoa is me," faked Stewie, "I am in need of assistance from a giant 50 foot tall person."

"What's wrong?" asked Maddie.

"The UN is about to do something absolutely horrible," said Stewie, "They plan to unite the planet into one country and enslave the world in an anarchy."

"That's terrible!" said Maddie, "What do we do?"

"We must go to New York and scare them into submission," said Stewie, "Then I take control and prevent them from going through with such an act."

Sounds good to me," said Maddie as she placed Stewie onto her head, "To New York!"

"Excellent! It worked!" said Stewie silently to himself, "Soon the world shall be mine and then it will be too late. Hahahaha! Hahahahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!"

"Why are you laughing?" asked Maddie.

"Oh I was just thinking of... blast, which comedian is all the rage these days?" asked Stewie to himself, "Larry the Cable Guy! Git' 'er dun' and all that! Hahahaha! That man is a genius!"

"Yeah... If you have two brain cells, that is," muttered Maddie.

"What was that?" asked Stewie.

"Nothing!" said Maddie.

**(A/M: No offense to anybody who likes Larry the Cable Guy. I don't think I hate him but I know a lot of people that do.)**

Later at the UN headquarters in New York, the world leaders were discussing about the current affairs of the world.

"Order. The meeting of the United Nations will begin," said the leader of the UN, "Our first order of business, we will give the United States the floor."

"My sources are indicating that Iran is holding weapons of mass destruction," said President Bush, "They are a threat to our nation's security and must be stopped at all costs."

"Is this because I borrowed that porno and never gave it back?" asked the ambassador of Iran, "I told you I was sorry! Let it go!"

"Yeah, Bush," said the leader of China, "You can't just go to war over stupid reasons."

"...I have just been informed by sources that China is holding weapons of mass destruction," said Bush.

At that very moment, the building begins to shake violently. The roof is then ripped off by Maddie.

"What's going on over here?" asked the UN leader, "Who are you?"

"I'm Maddie Murdock and this is Stewie Griffin," said Maddie.

"Yes, and I'm here to take over," said Stewie, "Now I want you all to sign this declaration of surrender and turn over control to me."

"Or else what?" asked Bush.

"Or else I'll have the girl crush you all like grapes!" said Stewie.

"Red ink or black?" asked the emperor of Japan.

Later outside of the UN building, Stewie is about to make an announcement to a press conference.

"Stewie Griffin, you now rule the entire earth. What are you going to do now?" asked Tricia Takanawa.

"I'm going to Disneyland!" said Stewie as he and the reporters all laughed, "No, I'm just kidding. I'm going to enslave mankind and rule with an iron fist. Have a good day."

"What?" asked Maddie, "You tricked me into helping you with your stupid world domination thing? How could you?"

"By taking advantage of your naivety. DUH!" said Stewie, "Now move aside. I have a world to rule!"

"You're not going anywhere!" said Maddie as she stood before him.

"Fine. I didn't want it to come to this, but you leave me no choice," said Stewie as he pressed a button on his watch.

Meanwhile at the Griffin house, a large hatch in the backyard opens up as a huge Stewie robot rises. The robot then flies all the way to New York, leaving a trail of smoke.

"Excuse you, Peter!" said Lois offended.

Back in New York, the robot lands right next to Stewie who enters it through the left foot, all the way into the head where the cockpit.

"It's a shame I'll have to destroy you," said Stewie, "I was hoping we'd rule side by side."

"C'mon, we both know my future lies in protecting people, not enslaving them," said Maddie.

"Well, prepare to fight to the death!" said Stewie.

The Star Trek fight music begins to play in the background as Maddie and Stewie's robot begin to circle each other. Stewie tries to punch her, but she blocks the punch and headbutts him. He stumbles back into a building, then gets back up and shoulder rams her into a building behind her. They both then grab onto each other in a stand still. At that very moment, the US armed forces show up with tanks and guns and stuff.

"Alright men," said the commander, "Let's take them both out! We'll start with the one that fights like a girl!"

"The robot?" asked one of the soldier.

"Yes," said the commander, "No, let's start with the girl first!"

The military gets the rocket launcher ready and sets their sights for Maddie. Stewie glances at the armed forces.

"My god, those are warheads!" said Stewie in horror, "Madeline, watch out!"

He shoves his niece out of the way as the rockets obliterate his giant robot into smithereens.

"Stewie! Stewie, are you okay?" she asked as she grabbed the severed head of the robot and shook it, expecting him to fall out. He was gone, "Stewie... no..."

"One down, one to go," said the commander.

"You killed my uncle! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT!!!" she screamed as she began crushing tanks and soldiers left and right until they retreated, "AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHH!!!!"

Frustrated, she heads back to Quahog to begin her mindless rampage. Meanwhile back at the Griffin place, Lois walks up to Peter who is sitting on the couch watching TV.

"Peter, have you seen Stewie?" asked Lois, "I can't find him anywhere."

"I can't find Maddie, either," said Meg as she and Zack entered the room, "Where could they be?"

"Ah, you know kids," said Peter reassuringly, "Knowing them they're probably playing a harmless game like tag or hide n seek or house which has hidden sexism undertones that mentally stick with women for life."

"That's crazy," said Lois, "I played a lot of house when I was a child and I turned out perfectly fine. Now let me make you boys another sandwich."

"Guys, you're not going to believe what's on TV," said Brian as he ran into the living room and changed the channel to the news.

**Cutaway to TV**

"In local news a large toddler is wreaking havoc upon Quahog," said Tom.

"That's right. No matter where she goes, she brings nothing but a path of destruction in her wake," said Diane.

"She is so dangerous that being nearby her would mean certain doom," said Tom, "...Which is why we go live to Tricia Takanawa who is at the scene."

We cut to Tricia who is standing on the rooftop of a building where Maddie is causing havoc in the background.

"Thank you, Tom," said Tricia, "As you can see, this girl is running rampant through all of Quahog leaving a trail of havoc, destruction, and tears. Little big girl, why are you doing this?"

"...Who me?" asked Maddie meekly as she turned to Tricia.

"Yes, don't be shy," said Tricia sweetly, "Tell us, why are you being so destructive?"

"Well, my uncle and best friend Stewie is dead and it's all my fault," sniffed Maddie.

"Was it really?" asked Tricia, "And how did you get big?"

"...Wait, you're right," said Maddie angrily, "This was all Eliza's fault! She made me feel bad about my nose! If it wasn't for her, I'd still be normal! I'm going to get her for this!"

Maddie then walks off, tearing down buildings in her path.

"And there you have it," said Tricia, "If your name is Eliza, you are so boned. Back to you Diane."

**End Cutaway**

"Wait, did she say she killed Stewie?" asked Lois in horror.

"And she's gonna kill Eliza next," said Meg, "If we don't stop her, she could go on a killing spree afterwards!"

"Or worse," said Zack, "The military could go after her and try to kill her!"

"Or worse!" said Peter, "They could make a direct to TV movie of these events and not pay us royalties!"

"...Where did that come from?" asked Brian.

Later at the preschool's auditorium, Eliza was on stage doing her little ballet number as Clara. In the audience, Connie is with her parents in a body cast.

"Okay, so maybe my bones are shattered and I think my left kidney is near my heart," said Connie to her parents, "But at least I can rub it into Meg that Eliza got the part and that brat of hers didn't."

Suddenly, the roof is pulled off by Maddie as the audience screamed in horror. Maddie then grabs Eliza and walks off.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!" screamed Eliza, "Put me down you bloody wanker!"

The audience begins to run out of the auditorium, all except Connie who was left behind.

"Hey, where's everybody going?" asked Connie, "Somebody get me out of here! Anyone? Mom? Dad?.... Meg?"

A piece of the roof then falls and crushes her.

"...I hate my life..." she said from under the rubble.

Outside, Maddie holds Eliza close to her face as the little girl attempts to struggle from her grasp.

"What the bloody 'ell is this?" asked Eliza, "'Ow did you get so big?"

"Because of you!" said Maddie, "I tried to make my nose smaller but THIS happened! So what do you think of me now?"

"I think your nose is STILL too big!" said Eliza.

Suddenly, the entire police force arrive in front of Maddie all carrying guns. A bunch of police helicopters fly above her and release a huge net which traps her underneath. The military then shows and has a large rocket launcher with the largest of any missile.

"Drop the little girl and put your hands up," said Joe through a megaphone.

The Griffin's stationwagon shows up and Meg dashes from out of it in front of Joe.

"Mom! Help!" shouted Maddie.

"Don't shoot her!" begged Meg, "That's my baby!"

"Sorry Meg, but she's been running rampant through the town," said Joe, "And by order of the military, we have to take her down."

"And with this nuclear warhead, we'll blow this kid out of the sky," said the military commander.

"Mayor West, can't you do something?" asked Peter.

"I can't! Oh, if only we had a cure or something," said West, "Maybe then we could get little Abby back to normal."

"Wait! I have a cure!" said Tilly as she, CJ, Jillian, and Cody ran to the scene, "I couldn't repair my machine so I instead created a retromutagen serum to reverse the molecular expansion!"

"Anyway, look who I found," said Cody as he held a slightly scorched Stewie under his armpit.

"My baby!" said Lois happily as she held him in her arms, "You're alive! Are you okay?"

"You know for a few seconds there my life flashed before my eyes," said Stewie, "It was then that I wondered, how the hell did I manage to do all that in one year?!?!"

"They're going to launch that warhead in a minute!" said Meg, "We have to do something!"

"Okay, I have a plan," said Peter, "You see that building where Maddie is next to?"

"Yeah, that's the movie theatre," said Zack.

"Now here's the plan," said Peter, "I'm gonna go into the theatre.... and catch the midnight matinee, but when I get back we are going to find a way to save Maddie."

"....OR we could get on the roof and inject Maddie with the cure," said Zack.

"That works too, I guess," said Peter.

A few minutes later, they all make it to the rooftop of the building next to Maddie.

"Mom, I'm scared!" said Maddie fearfully, "They want to kill me!"

"Don't worry, we have the cure," said Meg, "Everything's going to be alright."

"Anyway, here's the cure," said Tilly, "This is a retromutagen serum which should reverse the molecular expansion causing you to-"

"Wait a minute," said Maddie, "Is that a needle?"

"Yes, and it should allow your bloodstream to-"

"I HATE needles!" said Maddie, "I'm not taking that!"

"Maddie, it's barely the size of your fingernail," said Lois, "It'll barely hurt!"

"No!" she screamed.

"God, I forgot she was a belonaphobe," said Meg.

"Oh my god!" said Peter, "She has a bologna fetish?"

"Peter, that was wrong in three different ways," said Zack, "Phobia means fear, belonaphobia means fear of needles, and this means you're an idiot!" said Zack as he hit him upside the head.

"Maybe there's another way for her to take the serum," said Lois.

"there's no time!" said Brian, "They're about to launch the missile."

"Oh just take the bloody needle yah big baby!" shouted Eliza who was still in Maddie's grip.

"I got it!" said Meg as she had an idea, "You have to take the needle!"

"But it'll hurt!" whined Maddie.

"Just close your eyes and squeeze your hand really hard," said Meg, "I'll be right here."

"Wait, I don't think that's a- *AAAACK*" grunted Eliza as Maddie squeezed her with all her might.

"Okay, I'm injecting the cure NOW!" shouted Tilly as she pumped the cure into her veins.

"Fire the missile NOW" shouted the commander as they launched the missile.

The missile then fires towards Maddie, but at the last moment, she rapidly shrinks to her normal size causing the missile to fly over her.

"I'm normal!" said Maddie.

"You're safe!" said Meg as she hugged her tightly.

"What in blazes just happened?" asked the commander.

"Maddie reverted back to her normal size," said Tilly, "Basically you guys just wasted your time... just like during the entire Bush Administration."

"Zing!" said Brian as he high fived Tilly.

"You know, I learned something today," said Maddie as sappy piano music played in the background, "I learned that it doesn't matter what the size of your nose is. It's the size of your heart that counts."

"...What the bloody 'ell does that 'ave to do with you becoming a giant?" asked Eliza.

"...I don't know..." said Maddie.

"Who wants to go out for ice cream?" asked Zack, suddenly changing the subject.

Everybody then agreed to that suggestion and walked off.

"Wait, where did that warhead go?" asked Lois.

"Who cares," said Peter, "It's their problem now."

Meanwhile in the ruined auditorium, Connie finally gets the debris off of her and struggles to get to her feet.

"Ever since Meg met that Zack guys, nothing but crap has happened to me," said Connie, "What else can go wrong?"

Suddenly, she hears the faint whistling from above and looks up to see a warhead falling.

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh fu-"

**End Chapter.**


	31. Roses & Witches & Robots, Oh My!

**Chapter 31: Roses and Witches and Robots, Oh My!**

**(AN: The second part of the crossover from The Spellbook(which you should probably read if you want to get this chapter). Speaking of which, here's some disclaimers: Matt Kennedy and Rosie are both owned by Ander Arias. Duncan and Sid are owned by Snake Screamer and Haylias gets some credit for a little surprise if you read the whole story. And now onto the story.)**

It was a nice and warm Friday afternoon in Quahog. Brian was in the living room reading a book, when he was approached by Stewie and Maddie.

"Hey, Brian, do you want to play with us?" asked Maddie.

"No, sorry, maybe later" said the dog, engrossed in the book.

"Oh, come on, what's more important than making two toddlers happy?" Said Stewie before taking away the book Brian was reading, and looked at it. "_All about Parallel Universes?_ I though you didn't like this kind of stuff".

"Well, you were wrong" said Brian as he took back his book. "And, for your information it's pretty interesting" commented the dog.

"And why are you so interested in Parallel Universes?" asked Stewie. "Do you want to check that Obama won in every other world too?"

"I read on the internet about that" said Maddie, "Some guy says that there are other universes where people is the opposite from people from this one"

"So, there's another Brian out there who is Republican, fundamentalist and…" said Stewie.

"Hey, don't joke with that!" complained the dog.

"I wonder if other universes exist?" asked Maddie.

"Why are you asking me this?" asked Stewie, "It's not like I have a dimensional portal in my room aptly named the Sundoor that can access different dimensions including parallel universes."

"...Wait, that's it!" said Maddie, "We can use it as a window to look at other universes."

"We'll need to repair it, though," said Stewie, "It's still slightly damaged from the last time I used it."

"Okay, what did you do?" asked Maddie.

**Flashback**

Stewie has his Sundoor ready to access another universe.

"Excellent," said Stewie as he was setting the coordinates to his Sundoor, "I'll summon a Stewie from another universe and with twice the brain power we'll be able to rule the world easily!"

A bright flash fills the room as another Stewie appears. To distinguish the two, the other Stewie is wearing blue overalls.

"What the deuce happened?" asked the other Stewie, "Where am I?"

"I brought you here to help me," said Stewie, "Together we'll be an unstoppable force."

"Oh excellent," said the other Stewie with joy, "With our combined genius we'll be able to finally end wars, spread world peace, stop famine and make the world a blissful utopia of joy and happiness. Oh, I've got goosebumps just thinking of all the love we can spread."

Stewie then pulls out a gun, shoots good Stewie dead, and smashes the Sundoor out of sheer terror.

**End Flashback**

"Trust me, it's better you don't know," said Stewie, "Anyway, I'm gonna try on my new blue overalls."

Later, Tilly is up in Stewie's room with Maddie, Stewie, and CJ repairing the Sundoor.

"There! It should be as good as new," said Tilly as she tightened the last screw.

"Can you believe it?" asked Maddie, "In just a few moments we'll be looking into another universe! Can you imagine the things we'll see?"

"Parallel universes aren't that big a deal," said Stewie, "It's pretty much the equivalent of buying a Blu Ray player; it's the same as the DVD player only prettier."

"Well, here's hoping to see a brave new world," said Tilly as she pushed the start button. After moments of silence, nothing happens.

"Well that was boring," said Maddie.

"I'll say," said Stewie, "If I wanted to waste my time in a bad way I'd watch the fatman strip to _Hit Me Baby One More Time_."

**Flashba-**

"Oh no you don't!" said Tilly interrupting the flashback, "That image was already burned into my retinas for weeks. I'm not letting it happen again!"

"I'll bet the Sundoor's not working because it needs a jump start," said CJ, "Now what's the most useless object to bang against it?"

"Your head," said Tilly.

"Good idea!" said CJ as he was preparing to ram the machine like a bull.

"CJ, NO! I was just kid-" shouted Tilly, but CJ slammed his head into the Sundoor, causing the machine to malfunction. Everyone began to hang on for dear life as the portal then began to suck everything in the room.

"What's happening?" asked Maddie.

"Dumbass over here must've overrode the configurations!" shouted Stewie.

"Yeah! Good one, dumbass!" said CJ to Tilly.

"HE WAS TALKING ABOUT _YOU_, DUMBASS!" shouted Tilly.

At that moment, the adults rush into the room from hearing all the commotion, and were almost sucked into the portal if they had not held onto something.

"What happened!" shouted Lois.

"Dimensional portal going haywire and the possibility of us all being sucked into oblivion," said Tilly nonchalantly, "All in all, no biggie."

Suddenly a bunch of toys fly out of the portal and hit Zack in the head.

"Ow, ow, ow!" said Zack, "Geez, even dimensional portals are out to get me!"

"Maddie, grab my hand!" shouted Meg.

As Maddie tried to reach out from Meg's hand, a toy flies out of the portal and hits her in the face, sending her flying into the vortex.

"Maddie!" screamed Meg and Zack in unison.

Meanwhile inside the vortex, Maddie flies through a tunnel of light. Speeding right past her was a red haired child in a blue dress who resembled her.

"Was that... me?" asked Maddie.

Back outside the portal, Meg was going hysterical over what just happened.

"Maddie? Where are you?" asked Meg.

"Didn't you just see?" asked Jillian, "She flew into a port hole. Duh!"

"Now calm down," said Zack, "I'm sure we can fix this."

"I say we wait until this all blows over," said Peter.

"Peter, Maddie was just sucked into a portal!" said Brian, "She could be in real danger! You can't possibly expect this all to blow-"

At that very moment, a little girl falls from the closing portal. She looked like Maddie, except that her hair was red instead of blonde and her dress was blue with a butterfly in the middle.

"Maddie?' asked Meg in confusion.

"Apparently her trip was not very kind to her," said Peter, "She traveled so fast that her head bleeded!" everyone then stares at him, "What?"

The girl then groans and stands up.

"Mom...?" she groaned.

"Maddie?" asked Meg in confusion again.

Zack then quickly picks up the girl closely to his face and smiles.

"Hey, you're okay! We were so worried!" said Zack.

"AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" she screamed as she squirmed from Zack's grip.

"Maddie, what's wrong with you?" asked Meg, "It's only your dad."

"That guy's not my dad!" said the girl with fear, "And who's Maddie?"

"Interesting..." said Tilly as she walked up to the infant, "She sorta looks like Maddie, but this _definitely_ isn't Maddie."

"How can you tell?" asked Lois.

"Well for one thing, she appears to be much younger," said Tilly, "She looks to be barely a year old. Second, I can sense an aura of some sort."

"Well if you're not Maddie, maybe you can explain to us who you are," said Meg.

"Well, my name is Rosie," said Rosie, "I was just sitting in my room when I was sucked into a portal and got stuck here. I recognize all of you except for that man and those two babies. Who are you guys, anyway."

"I'm Tilly and this is my twin brother CJ," said Tilly.

"We're Jillian's kids," said CJ.

"Wow, so Brian and Jillian tied the knot?" asked Rosie.

"No, they broke up," said Tilly, "We're Chris' kids."

"Come again?" asked Rosie in confusion.

"It's a long story that involves two idiots trapped in an avalanche and doing something extremely desperate to save their lives," said Tilly, "That's how she had us."

"No it's not!" said Jillian, "Your father and I had sex!... Oh, that's what you meant."

"....Okay...." said Rosie uncomfortably, "And who's this guy?"

"This is my husband, Zack," said Meg.

"ZACK?!?!" asked Rosie in confusion, "What happened to my dad, Matthew?"

"Wait, you're saying that Meg and I aren't married in your universe?" asked Zack in shock.

"No, she's married to my dad named Matthew Kennedy," said Rosie, "Have you heard of him?"

"I'm googling it up on my cell phone right now," said Tilly.

"Wait, you can actually just access personal info like that on the internet where anyone can see it?" asked Rosie.

"It's the internet," said Stewie, "Stop being so surprised."

"Okay, here's some info," said Tilly, "Apparently he lives in Minnesota."

"So dad didn't move which means that he never met mom," said Rosie, "And because he never met mom, mom met this guy instead, and because she met this guy they had a baby which means that I cannot and will not be born in this universe, EVER!"

"Just calm down, Rosie," said Lois.

"Yeah, we'll get you back home," said Meg, "I promise."

"I'm sure of it," said Tilly, "All we have to do is set up the Sundoor and-" the Sundoor then blows up, "-pick up the pieces and repair it again... goddammit."

"So I'm stuck here?" asked Rosie in horror, "But what about MY mom and my dad and my family."

"If it makes you feel any better, I'll let you call me mom," said Meg.

"And I'll let you call me grandma," said Lois.

"And I'll let you call me Uncle Chris," said Chris.

"And I'll let you call me.... James Bond!" said Peter as everyone stared at him again, "Well she CAN!"

"Thanks, but it's not the same," sniffled Rosie.

"...Oh my gosh!" said Jillian, "Maddie looks different!"

"You think that's bad?" asked Zack, "Wait until she figures out that Obama's a black guy. I estimate it'll be by 2017."

"I just wanna go home," cried Rosie.

"Don't cry. It'll only be for a little while," said Zack as he knelt down and wiped her tears away, "C'mon, cheer up! It could've been worse."

"Yeah, you could've ended up in the dimension of gay pedophiles," said Peter.

**Cutaway**

Meanwhile in a city in another universe, a bunch of people who looked just like Herbert are all walking down the streets when a boy on his bicycle rides by.

"Mmmmmmmmmm...." they all said in unison.

**End Cutaway**

Later, Rosie is sitting in the living room sadly playing with Maddie's toys as Stewie walks up to her.

"What the deuce do you think you're doing?" asked Stewie.

"I'm playing with some toys," said Rosie.

"Those aren't yours, you know," said Stewie, "They're Maddie's."

"Well she's not here," said Rosie, "I'm sure she won't mind if I played with them while she's gone."

"Don't think for a moment that you're going to be taking her place," said Stewie.

"I'm not!" said Rosie, "I'm just playing with some toys!"

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Meg is sitting at the table with the others worrying about Maddie.

"I hope she's okay," said Meg.

"I'm sure she's just fine," said Lois, "I'm sure the other Griffins are taking good care of her."

"It looks like she and Stewie are arguing," said Zack.

"Maybe you should do something about it," said Meg.

"Why? She's not even my daughter!" said Zack.

"Finally! We're on the same page here," said Peter, "You know I say that all the time and-"

"You shut up!" said Zack.

"Zack, don't be so mean!" said Meg.

"Meg's right," said Lois, "That little girl is scared and alone so we all need to make her feel as comfortable as possible."

"I guess I'll settle their little argument," said Zack as he walked into the living room.

Back in the living room, the two are still arguing.

"I'm only going to ask you one last time to hand it over," demanded Stewie.

"Make me!" said Rosie.

"Gimmie that," said Zack as he grabbed the toy, "Now NOBODY can play with it! Now I suggest you both behave or-"

"You're not my dad!" said Rosie angrily, "You can't tell me what to do!"

"Maybe not, but I'm an adult!" said Zack "You'll do what I say!"

"Give me that toy!" said Rosie.

"Come over here and get it, kid," teased Zack.

"I will!" said Rosie as her eyes glowed blue.

"Yeah I'd like- What the hell?" asked Zack as he noticed her eyes glowing. He then looks at his empty hand, "What the hell?!?!"

"What the deuce?" asked Stewie in amazement.

"What did you just do?" asked Zack.

"What?" asked Rosie as she played with the toyed, "I just teleported the toy from out of your hand. I have powers."

"Guys, you're not gonna believe this..." said Zack as he walked into the kitchen.

Later in the living room, everybody doesn't believe what Zack's saying.

"I'm telling you, this kid is magical or something!" said Zack.

"Have you gone delirious?" asked Lois.

"Yeah, she's not special!" said Peter, "She's Meg's kid."

"Well, Tilly did say that she felt an aura around her," said Meg.

"Don't tell me you actually believe him!" said Peter, "Magic doesn't exist. It's all fake just like the Moon Landing and Duke Nukem: Forever."

"You call this fake?" asked Rosie as her eyes glowed and made Peter's pants fall.

"Randy! Um, I mean, Rosie!" whined Peter.

"Oh my God, she does have powers," said Lois in shock.

"Where did you get such powers?" asked Meg.

"I was born with them," said Rosie, "You see, my mom has this spellbook that once belonged to a witch that was burned and the more she used it, the more magic she absorbed and I absorbed some of that magic while she was having me."

"I remember hearing about that in History class from High School," said Zack, "Except that they burned the book along with her, fearing that the book may fall into the wrong hands."

"How could it possibly fall into the wrong hands?" asked Peter, "Especially when Meg has it safely in the house under my care where I can access it?"

"I want you to pray for your parents," said Zack to Rosie.

Meanwhile deep beneath the Earth in the lower depths of hell, Lucifer is boredly sitting on his throne greeting the new arrivals.

"And I trust you'll enjoy your stay here Mr... Ledger," said Lucifer.

"I don't belong here!" said Heath Ledger.

"Well according to this you committed some crimes under a persona known as the Joker," said Lucifer.

"That's just a movie!" said Heath, "It's only acting. This is a terrible mistake."

"Wow, I guess you're right," said Lucifer, "...NEXT!!!"

A woman dressed in black who wore clothes from the middle ages approaches the prince of darkness.

"And we have another dead hooker," said Lucifer, "Enjoy your stay and yes I will require your services later."

"I am not a dead hooker, you fool!" said the woman in a french accent, "My name is Miriam. I was a witch who lived in France during the XIII Century. My sisters and I were captured and burned alive by the Inquisition."

"XIII century?" asked Lucifer in confusion, "Wait, haven't we met before? And weren't there three of you?"

"Come to think of it..." thought Miriam.

**Flashback**

Many years later during the XIII Century, Miriam, Lorraine, and Jeanne arrives in hell, all singed and burnt with burnt ropes around them.

"My aren't you three a bunch of smoking hot ladies," joked Lucifer.

"Did you hear that, Miriam?" asked Jeanne, "He thinks we're hot!"

"Shut the hell up," said Miriam bitterly.

**End Flashback**

"I was sent back to the afterlife by those damn Griffins," said Miriam, "Apparently, my sisters returned to my realm's afterlife, but I didn't! And because the spellbook no longer exists here, I cannot return on my own."

"Anyway, why are you telling me this?" asked Lucifer.

"Because I wish to return to the land of the living and seek my revenge!" said Miriam.

"Impossible," said Lucifer, "You can't return unless a piece of your essence still remains somewhere on the earth and your spellbook was burned with you."

"Wait! My essence somehow remains in that child!" said Miriam, pointing to a window to the land of the living which showed Rosie levitating things, "But how did she get here?"

"The child?" asked Lucifer, "Maddie! Oh how I loathe that little girl. She seems different somehow."

"So do we have a deal?" asked Miriam.

"I'll let you return, and you can possess anybody you want as long as it has a free will," said Lucifer, "However, you will be bound to that body until you take back your essence and become complete. Oh, and make sure she dies a terrible death."

"_Au revoir, monsieur Diable_," said Miriam as she disappeared into a burst of flames.

"Wait a minute," said Lucifer, "Did that bitch just call me a type of cheese?"

Meanwhile outside of the Griffin home, a woman who looks exactly like Lois except for her metallic "skin" finally arrives.

"At long last!" said Corvette, "I've finally arrived at Quahog where I shall take my revenge upon that bitch Lois and take Peter all for myself!"

"Your little revenge will have to wait," said Miriam as she appeared behind her.

"Scanning lifeform," said Corvette, "Data not found. Identity unknown. I'm sorry, but I'll have to terminate you. I can't let you stand in my way."

"What kind of creature are you?" asked Miriam, "You don't appear human? You look fake. Are you this Paris Hilton I keep hearing about?"

"Activating pulse blasters," said Corvette as she shot out her blasters from her hands, but Miriam walks through them with ease since she's a ghost and all. She then immobilizes Corvette with her magic, "What the- I can't move!"

"Your abilities intrigue me," said Miriam, "Perhaps there is some use for you... as my new body!"

"Error! Error!" shouted Corvette as Miriam possessed her, "Get out of my body you... systems shutting down...."

"Excellent," said Miriam from Corvette's body.

Meanwhile inside the house, Rosie is listening to the story of how Meg and Zack met each other.

"So you told mom you loved her at the homecoming dance and danced the night away?" asked Rosie, "That's so romantic."

"That night changed our lives forever," said Meg.

"Sorry if this makes you a little uncomfortable, seeing as how I'm not your dad and everything," said Zack.

"Can you tell me what Maddie's like?" asked Rosie, "Is she just like me?"

"Not exactly," said Meg, "She doesn't have any powers... except for one time.... I'd rather not talk about it."

"Wow, for people who don't have a spellbook, you guys have interesting lives and adventures," said Rosie.

"You know what else is interesting?" asked Peter, "A robot who looks like Lois breaking through a wall in an evil way but uses a lame pun to ruin the awesome moment."

At that moment, Miriam in Corvette's body breaks through the wall.

"Sorry to _crash_ this party," said Miriam.

"You were right," said Zack, "The pun _does_ ruin the moment."

"Who is that?" asked Rosie, "And why does she look like grandma?"

"Oh crap, it's Corvette!" said Chris.

"Who?" asked Rosie.

"She used to be a car, but is now an android who looks like me," said Lois, "Everybody, run!"

"Not so fast," said Miriam, "I want that child! She has something that belongs to me!"

"Wait, I sense a familiar power within her," said Rosie in shock, "It's the same as mine! Is she that Miriam lady mom told me about?"

"Correct, child," said Miriam, "You have a fragment of my magic and I want it back."

"Over Meg and Zack's dead bodies!" said Peter.

"So be it," said Miriam as she was getting her pulse blasters ready and aimed at Zack and Meg.

"Thanks alot, fatass," said Meg.

"Hiya!" shouted Lois as she drop kicked Miriam, "Zack, Meg, get Rosie out of here!"

"I'm on it!" said Zack as he held her under one arm.

"Get off of me you hag!" said Miriam angrily as she used her powers to turn Lois into stone.

"Grandma!" shouted Rosie.

"Mom!" shouted Meg.

"Lois!" shouted Zack.

"Lois! No!" shouted Stewie, "You bitch! How could you!.... I WANTED TO DO THAT!!!"

"I always knew Lois was a little... _hard_ headed!" joked Peter as he tapped Lois's head, "Hehehehehe!"

Everyone in the room then laughs at Peter's joke.

"Yes, you might say she became _petrified_ with fear," joked Miriam as she heard nothing but crickets, "Well _I_ thought it was funny! Just for that, you will all become statues."

"Let's get outta here!" shouted Chris as they tried to run out the front door. Miriam then locks it using her powers.

"I don't wanna be turned to stone!" said Meg fearfully.

"Well look on the bright side," said Stewie, "When people see you, they'll think your grotesque appearance is actually abstract beauty just like your man."

"I'll pretend I did not hear that," said Zack angrily through his teeth.

"Hang on, guys!" said Rosie as her eyes glowed blue. She and the others(including the petrified Lois) then vanished into thin air.

"Curses!" shouted Miriam.

The family then reappears in what appears to be a bathroom.

"That was close," said Brian, "It's a good thing you have magic powers."

"Where did you teleport us, anyway?" asked Meg.

"Beats me," said Rosie exhausted, "I've never teleported so many people to such a far distance. It takes up too much energy. I just wanted us to get the heck out of there."

At that moment, Connie D'amico comes out of the shower with a towel on.

"What the-? Meg?" asked Connie in horror, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!!" shouted Zack as he covered his eyes.

"Get out of my house!" shouted Connie angrily.

"What's all this shouting then?" asked Eliza as she entered the room, "What the bloody 'ell are you doing here, you baby?"

"Pardon?" asked Rosie, "I don't think we've met before."

"Don't play dumb with me," said Eliza, "You may 'ave red hair and a new dress but I know you're still Maddie!"

"You talk funny," said Rosie becoming annoyed.

"What's wrong wit' the way I talk?" asked Eliza, "You're the one who talks funny with your yuppy American accent."

"Yeah, what's wrong with the brat?" asked Connie, "She looks funny."

"This is Rosie," said Meg, "You're not gonna believe this but she's my daughter from another universe."

"You're right. I don't believe that BS," mocked Connie, "Except the alternate universe part! HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"That's a good one!" laughed Eliza.

"Zip it!" said Rosie as her eyes glowed.

"...?" Connie and Eliza both tried to speak but nothing comes out of their mouths.

"Rosie, there's a right way and a wrong to do things," said Zack, "What you did was the right way."

"Zack! Don't encourage her to use her powers like that," said Meg.

"But it was funny!" said Peter, "At least it wasn't as mean as what Sonic did to Amy Rose."

**Cutaway**

Sonic is walking Amy down a grassy field. She was blindfolded and was covered in blue paint.

"Sonic, where are you taking me?" asked Amy, "And why does my skin feel funny?"

"Oh, it's a surprise," said Sonic,

"Oh, I'm so excited!" said Amy with glee, "I love surprises!"

"Me too," said Sonic deviously, "HEY ROBUTTNIK! OVER HERE!!!"

Sonic then runs off leaving Amy alone as Robotnik/Eggman and his robots blast her to smithereens.

**End Cutaway**

"Guys, we have bigger problems," said Brian.

"Yeah, we still have a robotic witch out there that wants to make mincemeat out of us," said Stewie.

"Let me think for a minute," said Rosie, "What would Sid and Duncan do in a situation like this?"

**Cutaway**

"Begone, vile witch!" shouted a cloaked purple haired man.

He tried to cast a spell on the robot shelled Miriam, but the spell bounces back and hits his goblin-like partner which turns his head into a chicken's head.

"Buckaw!" shouted Sid.

"Although this backfired and doomed us, that was rather amusing," said Duncan.

"Buckaw!" shouted Sid.

"Hey, at least you'll taste good after you're dead," said Duncan.

**End Cutaway**

"Well that was pointless," said Rosie.

"Okay, let me think," said Meg, "Maybe we can have Rosie combat her."

"Meg, you can't send a baby to fight her," said Zack, "You actually expect her to win against a witch who has control of a robot who has more guns than the Venice Beach Bodybuilding contest?"

"Yeah, they have large guns alright," said Stewie.

"Why am I not surprised that you know this?" asked Brian dryly.

Connie and Eliza begin to furiously wave their arms around as they desperately try to speak.

"Okay, okay! You can have your voices back," said Rosie annoyed as she snapped her fingers.

"Okay, seriously," said Connie, "Why are you all still here? And who is this Miriam you keep talking about?"

"Come downstairs and we'll show you," said Brian as he led the others downstairs into Connie's living room. He then takes the remote from her parents, "I need this, thanks."

He then cuts on the TV to Diane's talk show.

**Cutaway to TV**

"Good evening and welcome to _Diane_," said Diane, "Today we will be talking to transsexuals and the men who love them. Now tell us, Mary. How has the sex change affected your love life?"

At that moment, Miriam slowly phases through the floor upwards, scaring the audience members.

"Who are you?" asked Diane confused.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen... and both," said Miriam, "I am Miriam and I have an announcement to make. Griffins, if you are watching this-"

"FRANCE SUCKS!!!" shouted an audience member.

"Excuse me for a moment," said Miriam as she walked offscreen, gunned him down with her arm cannon, and walked back onscreen, "Now where was I? Oh yes. Griffins if you are watching this, I'll give you 2 hours to hand over the child to me or I'll take her from you by force, destroying this city in the process. The choice is yours. Now, where's the exit?"

"D-d-downstairs," stuttered Diane fearfully.

"Too far!" shouted Miriam as she blew a hole in the wall, "God, I love this body!"

**End Cutaway**

"Okay... Now I'm scared crapless," said Connie, "Any ideas?"

"I've got a plan," said Peter.

**1 hour later...**

"...And that's my plan!" said Peter.

"Peter, you just stood there for an hour and just said 'And that's my plan'," said Brian.

"Yeah, we could've used that hour to execute a _real_ plan such as seeing if Raven knows any exorcism spells," said Zack.

"Zack, you're a genius!" said Meg happily as she hugged him, "I love you!"

"Please, stop!" said Rosie as she covered her eyes, "I'm still homesick, remember?"

Later at Raven's house, Raven is creating a potion.

"This should reverse the effect of the petrifying spell," said Raven.

Raven pours the potion on Lois which turns her back to normal.

"What happened?" asked Lois, "Why do I have this sudden urge to let birds sit on my head?"

"Wow, where did you learn magic?" asked Rosie in amazement.

"I own a Wiccan spellbook," said Raven, "Hopeful we can use it to fight Miriam."

"We're going to use Wicca?" asked Rosie, "Wicca??? Wicca's for chumps!"

"Wicca is just an alternative modern witchcraft," said Raven annoyed.

"Raven, do you know any exorcising spells to separate Miriam from Corvette's body?" asked Meg.

"I do, but it'll take me an hour to prepare," said Raven, "How much time do we have left?"

"Negative 10 minutes," said Zack looking at his watch.

"Negative 10?" asked Raven, "What did you do for over an hour and 10 minutes?"

"Fatass wanted to stop at McDonald's, but couldn't decide what to order," said Meg.

"Hey, it was a life threatening decision!" said Peter.

"It was over whether or not you wanted fries with that!" said Zack.

"I didn't want to look like a fatty," said Peter.

"I suggest we send Rosie back to her universe," said Lois, "I don't want to put her in anymore danger."

"But you guys can't take on her alone!" said Rosie worriedly.

"No, but at least you'll be safe," said Zack, "I don't think I can live with myself if something were to happen to you and I know your parents couldn't either."

"You know, you may not be my dad, but you're a great guy," said Rosie.

"Now let's get you home," said Zack, "Hopefully, Tilly repaired the Sundoor by now."

Later at the Griffin home inside Stewie's room...

"I totally did not repair the Sundoor by now," said Tilly.

"Why not?" asked Meg.

"Distractions," said Tilly.

**Flashback**

Tilly is trying to repair the Sundoor when she spots CJ with some bombs strapped to him.

"Look at me! I'm an Iraqi!" said CJ.

"CJ, that's tasteless and offensive!" said Tilly as she removed the bomb, "Do you _want_ this story to get removed?"

"Why do you have to wreck my fun?" asked CJ disappointed.

"Because somebody around here has to be the adult," said Tilly, "Too bad it's not the adult."

"Hey, kids, look at my impressions!" said Jillian as she had a thick blonde mustache, "I'm that guy on TV who says Diabeetus. Diabeetus! Now I'm Jillian with a mustache who says Diabeetus. Diabeetus!"

"MOM! That's an experimental hair growth formula, not a toy!" said Tilly, "Now shave it off!"

"Fine, then," said Jillian annoyed, "Oh well. Now I finally get to shave something from the TOP half of my body!"

**End Flashback**

"Anyway, I need more time," said Tilly.

"But we're out of time!" said Lois, "Miriam could be on her way here at any minute to destroy us all!"

"What we need is a miracle," said Brian.

Suddenly, a large portal opens up in the room and out steps Maddie.

"We said miracle, not portal!" said Jillian, "Apparently somebody didn't get the memo."

"I'm back!" said Maddie, "Say, are you Rosie?"

"Yes," said Rosie.

"I'm Maddie," said Maddie, "Anyway, your mom said to run through the portal as fast as you can. It might not stay open for much longer."

"Well, I guess this is goodbye," said Rosie as she hugged Meg and Zack and ran off into the closing portal.

"Maddie! I thought we'd never see you again," said Meg tearfully as she and Zack hugged their daughter.

"Welcome back, Maddie," said Lois.

"Good to have you back, Super Saiyan Rosie," said Peter.

"So, did I miss anything while I was gone?" asked Maddie.

"...Oh crap!" said Zack in realization.

At that moment, Miriam breaks through the wall of the room.

"We have DOORS you know!" said Lois.

"Sorry, they're too far," said Miriam.

"It was next to the wall you just blew up," said Brian pointing to the door next to her.

"Shut up!" said Miriam.

"Alright, Miriam. Prepare to face your doom," said Raven as she lifted a spellbook.

"Sacre bleu!" shouted Miriam with fear, "You have a spellbook!"

"Yes, it's the Wiccan book of spells!" said Raven triumphantly, "With it-"

"Oh it's just Wiccan," laughed Miriam "For a second there, I was actually worried."

"Hey, Wicca is powerful!" said Raven annoyed.

"Wicca's for chumps," said Miriam.

"Oh yeah? Well I'll recite a spell so powerful-" said Raven before Miriam disintegrated her spellbook, "...Okay, we're boned."

"Maybe not," said Maddie, "How long do you guys think you can distract Miriam?"

"I'd say 5 minutes at the most," said Brian.

"CJ, what does a bull do?" asked Maddie.

"This!" said CJ as he rammed the Sundoor with her head and activated it, "Ow!"

"Dad, come with me!" said Maddie as she grabbed his hand.

"Where are we going?" asked Zack.

"We're stopping by for a spell!" she said as they both jumped into the portal.

Meanwhile in Rosie's universe, she and her family were still celebrating her return.

"Well, all's well what ends well" said Meg.

"Still, there's something that intrigues me" said Brian. "Will there be other universes out there aside from this one and Maddie's?" asked Brian.

"Who knows" said Matt. "But I don't want to hear about parallel universes anymore"

Suddenly, the portal opens up and Zack and Maddie jump out.

"Perhaps I spoke too soon," said Matt.

"Maddie? What are you doing back here?" asked Meg.

"What's HE doing here?" asked Matt pointing to Zack.

"This is my dad," said Maddie, "The one from my world."

"Really?" asked Matt as he then punched Zack.

"Ow! What was that for?" asked Zack as he covered his eye.

"That's for marrying my wife!" said Matt angrily.

"Matt, he's not married to me!" said Meg, "Well, he is but not **me** me. Another me."

"It's okay," said Zack as he got up, "I understand. Apparently you care a lot about Meg so you want to be with her in every HEY WHAT'S THAT???"

Matt quickly turns around and gets sucker punched by a laughing Zack.

"Hey! That was my husband!" shouted Meg as she kicked him the shin.

"OW! But he started it!" said Zack in pain.

"Dad, there's no time!" said Maddie, "We have to stop Miriam and fast!"

"Wait, did you say Miriam?" asked Meg, "She's loose in your universe?"

"Yeah, I forgot to mention that part," said Rosie.

"But how do you plan on stopping her?" asked Lois.

"With the spellbook," said Maddie.

"But we can't enter that universe," said Brian, "We'll cause a paradox if we meet ourselves."

"Pfft, that's just a lame plot device," said Zack, "Maddie meets up with her future self alot."

"Really?" asked Meg.

"Sure," said Zack, "In fact, she was over just this Thanksgiving."

**Flashback**

The family is having Thanksgiving dinner.

"You want anymore turkey, Maddie?" asked Meg.

Future Maddie then takes her gun and shoots at the cooked turkey.

"...Sorry," said Future Maddie, "I still have that phobia thing."

"Oh right. The turkeys," said Peter.

**End Flashback**

"Okay how about if I take the spellbook and use it?" asked Maddie as she grabbed the spellbook.

"No because you'll probably use it afterwards," said Meg.

"No I won't," said Maddie.

"Then why do you have your thumb over spontaneous combustion spells?" asked Matt.

"...Okay, I have a new idea," said Maddie, "You cast a spell on me to give me powers just like Rosie. Then we both go back to fight Miriam."

"Absolutely not!" said Meg, "It's too dangerous for both of you!"

"Mom, I think we should try her idea!" said Rosie.

"No way," said Matt, "What if something were to happen to you?"

"We've got to try something!" said Zack, "My wife and her family are in danger! We're running out of options!"

Back in the other universe, Miriam was about to cast a spell on the family.

"A little melting spell should get rid of you once and for all," said Miriam.

"Meg, I know we may not have time to live," said Peter, "But I want you to know that even though I treat you like crap... I lo-"

Suddenly, Miriam is hit with a blast of lightning.

"-Hate you," continued Peter.

"What in the world?" she asked as she turned to see that Rosie casted the spell on her, "You!"

"And that's not all!" said Maddie as she teleported next to her, "You may be able to handle one, but can you take on TWO magic powered toddlers?"

"You don't scare me!" said Miriam, "You're just children!"

Miriam levitates a couch and tosses it at them, but Maddie creates a shield to protect them. Rosie then lifts Miriam and slams her against a wall. Furious, she creates 3 clones of herself.

"This fight is getting epic," said Chris.

"Do you think this fight will end soon or will they take the DBZ route?" asked Peter

**20 Episodes later...**

"Definitely the DBZ route," said Brian dryly.

"This is getting us nowhere!" said Rosie as she and Maddie teleported into another room, hiding from Miriam.

"You're right," said Maddie, "We have to exorcise Miriam from out of that body and I think I know how!"

"Oh God, don't let it be a Surfin' Bird joke," said Rosie in disdain.

"No, even better," said Maddie as she whispered into her red headed counterpart's ear.

"You sure it'll work?" asked Rosie.

"Like we have any other choice?" asked Maddie, "Now let's do it!"

"Come face your doom, children," said Miriam as she phased through the wall into the room. She then casts a spell on them that immobilizes them both.

"Maddie! I can't move!" panicked Rosie, "I'm scared!"

"Wait for it..." said Maddie.

"Leave them alone!" screamed Meg as she tried to run up to Miriam but was thrown back by her powers.

"Look at you. You both thought you were all that," said Miriam as she walked closer, "But you're not."

"Maddie..." said Rosie worried.

"Wait for it," said Maddie.

"I'm going to enjoy this," said Miriam as a green flame enveloped her hand, "I can't wait to hear you scream."

"And that's what we're going to do!" said Maddie, "NOW ROSIE!!!"

They both then scream a high pitch like a banshee. Miriam then covers her ears in pain.

"AAAAAARGH!!! MY EARS!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" she screamed as she was forced out of Corvette's body, "YOU'LL BOTH PAY FOR THIS!!!"

Her spirit then vanishes and returns to the afterlife in Rosie's world. Maddie and Rosie then faint from exhaustion.

"What the heck was that we just did?" asked Rosie.

"That was called a Banshee Wail," said Maddie, "We used our powers to amplify our pitch. I drained all of mine using it so I'm back to normal."

"How did you know it would work?" asked Rosie.

"I didn't," said Maddie, "We had to wing it, just like what grandpa does in everything in life."

"Now that's not true, flaming headed little girl," said Peter.

At that moment, Corvette comes to.

"Haha! At last I have control of my body," said Corvette triumphantly, "and now, I shall exact my revenge up- KZZZZZZZT!" she stops completely and falls down.

"Off button," said Tilly revealing an off switch on Corvette.

Much later, the Griffins and the other Griffins(who had come to get Rosie) were saying goodbye to each other.

"I guess in a way, both our families are pretty similar," said Matt.

"Yeah... except for those two," said Zack pointing to Tilly and CJ.

"Well, look at us," chuckled Lois, "Talking to each other like a bunch of crazy people."

"Yeah, I know," said Peter, "Just look at how dumb looking these bastards are."

"Oh yeah?" challenged the other Peter, "Well you're all stupid looking bastards, too."

"Peter, those bastard's are us," said both Lois' in unison angrily.

"Well somethings don't change," said Meg.

"Anyway, we'd better head back to our universe," said the other Meg, "I still have a little bit of the potion from the last spell."

"You don't need to use the spellbook," said Tilly as she activated the portal, "You can take the Sundoor back."

The family then begins to head back except for Meg and Rosie. Rosie runs back to the family and hugs them.

"I'll miss you all," said Rosie, "Even though you're not my real family."

"Well, I guess in a strange cosmic way, we are," said Zack as he and Meg hugged her back.

"I'll miss you too, Maddie," said Rosie as she hugged her, "It's too bad we didn't get to know each other better.

"Don't worry about it," said Maddie, "Maybe one day we'll meet each other again and hang out."

"I'll be looking forward to it," said Rosie as she and her Meg walked into the closing Sundoor.

"What a day," said Lois, "I better get dinner started."

The family all leave the room except Stewie and Maddie who both contemplate on the events of the day.

"I think I've had enough of parallel universes for one day," said Maddie exhausted.

"Me too," said Stewie, "If I see something coming out of that Sundoor and it's from a parallel universe, it'll be too soon."

At that very moment, the Sundoor opens up again and out comes a puppy who stood on two legs like Brian wearing a t-shirt, skirt, and a bow on her left ear.

"Who the deuce are you?" asked Stewie.

"My name's Rose," said the puppy, "I'm Brian and Lois' daughter."

"...Say what?" asked Maddie.

**End Chapter**


	32. A Freakin' Sweet Christmas Story

**Chapter 32: A Freakin' Sweet Christmas Story**

It was the first snowfall. Winter had finally arrived in Quahog and people were wasting no time in celebrating it. In front of the Griffin home, Maddie and Stewie were sitting on the front step when they see Tricia Takanawa walk by.

"Hey, Tricia!" shouted Stewie from afar, "Do a figure eight on our driveway just like Michelle Kwan!"

"Oh just because I'm Asian like Michelle Kwan automatically means I'm a good skater like her, too?" asked Tricia offended.

"...So you can't do one?" asked Maddie.

"No, I'm a damn good figure skater," said Tricia as she performed a figure eight, twirled in the air, and skated backwards.

"Cool," said Maddie.

Suddenly, Peter pulls up the driveway and hits Tricia, knocking her into the snow.

"Aw geez, I must've hit another Hispanic driveway shoveler," said Peter as he, Lois, Meg, and Zack get out of the car.

"Wow, that was so politically incorrect on so many levels," said Stewie.

"I think she's hurt," said Maddie worriedly as she was checking Tricia's pulse, "Grandpa, do something!"

"Alright, fine," said Peter as he dropped a dollar on her unconscious body.

"Anyway, we're done Christmas shopping," said Meg.

"Alright! Presents!" said Chris as he ran outside, "What did I get? What did I get?"

"Sorry Chris, but they're a surprise," said Lois.

"Your mother bought you an Xbox 360," said Zack.

"ALRIGHT!!! HAHAHAHA!!!" shouted Chris, "Xbox 360! Xbox 360! Xbox 360!"

"Why did you tell him?" asked Lois angrily, "It was supposed to be a surprise."

"And it still is," said Zack, "Your boy has the attention span of a dead moose. He'll forget about it in a few seconds."

"Chris has a very good memory," said Lois, "Isn't that right, Chris?"

"Alright! Presents!" said Chris with joy, "What did I get? What did I get?"

"Chris, you need to learn how to pay attention," said Peter, "When you do, you get important tips. I still remember a very important tip from my old part time job."

**Flashback**

Peter is wearing a Ghostbusters suit along with Egon Spangler and Ray Stantz. Peter and Ray are about to fire, but Egon stops them.

"Wait, there's something very important I forgot to tell you!" said Egon.

"What?" asked Peter.

"Don't cross the streams," said Egon.

"Why?" asked Peter.

"It would be bad," said Egon.

"I'm a little fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing here," said Peter, "What do you mean, bad?"

"Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light," explained Egon.

"Total platonic reversal," said Ray.

"That's bad," said Peter, "Okay. Alright, important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.

**End Flashback**

"Wait, that wasn't funny at all," said Zack.

"Of course it was," said Peter, "That was laugh out loud funny."

"No it's wasn't," said Zack, "You just put yourself in place of Peter Venkman in a scene from Ghostbusters!"

"But it was an 80's movie reference with me instead of the real character," said Peter, "It's hilarious!"

"No it's not! It's a lazy cut and paste method! God! I feel dirty for even being involved!" said Zack as he walked into the house.

"Wait, did Zack just voice an opinion from the author?" asked Meg.

"Well, if the author doesn't like it so much he should just complain on the internet like everyone else," said Stewie.

"HE JUST DID!" shouted Zack.

"Do we even have a fourth wall anymore?" asked Maddie.

"I DON'T KNOW!!!" shouted Stewie irritated.

**(A/N: Hey, if Seth can do it with Brian...)**

Later in the living room, Maddie was sitting on the couch with a pen and paper as Peter sits on the couch with a beer at hand.

"Hey, whatcha got there, sport?" asked Peter as he turned on the tv.

"I'm trying to write a letter to Santa," said Maddie, "Problem is, I don't know how to write yet."

"Hey, how about I write your letter for ya?" asked Peter.

"Alright then, you write what I say," said Maddie, "Dear Santa, I have been an extremely good girl this year-"

"PFFFFT!" snickered Peter.

"WHAT?" asked Maddie.

"Sorry, but you aren't exactly the child of Jesus," said Peter.

"Okay then," said Maddie, "Dear Santa, I have been a good girl this year-"

"A little lower," said Peter.

"fairly good girl?" asked Maddie as Peter shook his head, "What?! I haven't done anything bad this year!" she said annoyed.

"What about the teleprompter bit at the TV station a while back?" asked Peter.

"And the fighter jet on the D'amico home?" asked Brian.

"And the BB gun?" asked Lois.

"And when you tried to kill Eliza as a giant?" asked Meg.

"Let's not forget the shark attack with Connie," said Zack.

"Hey, that was Tilly's fault!" said Maddie.

"But it was YOUR idea," said Chris.

"Okay fine... Dear Santa, I have been a very DECENT girl this year. Happy?" asked Maddie annoyed as she eyed everyone in the room, "For Christmas, I want a Wii."

"Wait, hold up," said Peter, "You want a Wii? I know you don't like squatting, but trust me it'll drive guys away when you get older unless they're into chicks with-"

"Not that kind of Wii!" said Maddie, "A Nintendo Wii!"

"Nintendo makes reproductive organs now?" asked Peter.

"No, she means the latest video game console, Nintendo Wii," said Lois, "It's the hottest toy this holiday season and let's you play games using motion controls."

"Wow, grandma! You know about the Wii?" asked Maddie in amazement, "I guess you're not as lame as I thought when it comes to gaming."

"Thank you, Maddie," said Lois proudly, "I happen to know a thing or two when it comes to Sega Plutos and Sony X-stations."

"...Nevermind," said Maddie.

"Anyway, you should get dressed," said Lois, "We're going to the airport to pick up your great Aunt Carol who will be spending Christmas with us. She needs our support."

"What happened?" asked Chris, "I thought she was on her 9th honeymoon."

"The usual..." sighed Lois.

At that moment, the doorbell rings. Zack answers it and their stands his black haired, nearly identical cousin Jack.

"Hey, bro," said Jack sadly.

"Jack? What are you doing here?" asked Zack as he looked around, "Where's Phoebe?"

"We broke up," said Jack, "The wedding's canceled."

"I'm so sorry," said Meg sincerely.

"Me too," said Lois, "I thought you made a good couple."

"She said she didn't want to get into a relationship at the moment," said Jack, "She thinks that I'll just do the same thing her father did to her mother. Man, when I get my hands on her father, I'll kill him!... Hey Quagmire," said Jack waving next door.

"Hey, Jack," said Quagmire.

"Anyway, can I stay with you guys?" asked Jack.

"Sorry, Jack," said Peter, "We'd let you stay but there's only room for 9 and there's eight of us already. I'm sure you understand."

"Peter!" said Lois, "You can have the attic again. After all, you are family."

"WHAT?" asked Stewie angrily, "You'll let that bum stay with us, yet you won't let me invite my friends to stay the night?"

"Well that might be because all your friends are evil," said Brian.

"That's not true!" said Stewie.

"Stewie, your friends list include Dr. Drakken, Shao Kahn, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Megatron, Lex Luthor, Dr. Eggman, Dr. Neo Cortex, Joker, Lucifer, Negaduck, Vince McMahon, and the guy who stalks Erin Esurance in those Esurance commercials," said Maddie.

"Yup, definitely a bunch of upstanding Samaritans right there," said Brian dryly.

"You never like my friends!" sobbed Stewie as he ran up to his room crying like a little girl.

Later at the Airport, the family is at gate number 25, waiting for Carol to arrive.

"How long do we have to wait here until Aunt Carol's flight comes from Texas?" asked Chris.

"She'll be here very soon," said Lois.

"Mom, I am BORED!" said Maddie, "Can I go walk around?"

"No!" said Meg, "The last time we let you walk around, you almost killed Connie."

"That's been happening to her a lot lately," said Zack.

"Well, can I at least go to the bathroom?" asked Maddie.

"Only if somebody goes with you," said Meg.

"Brian, why don't you take Maddie to the bathroom," said Lois.

"I've got to go, too," said Stewie, "I think those tacos I had earlier are disagreeing with some other food that I ate."

Meanwhile inside Stewie's stomach, two tacos are getting into an argument with a pizza slice and a chocolate ice cream cone.

"We're telling you, holmes, taco's are better than pizza," said one taco in a Spanish accent.

"A shut a your mouth!" said the pizza in an Italian accent, "I slap a the cheese from you like a cheap a hamburger!"

"Bring it, holmes!" said the other taco, "We ain't scared of you!"

"We ain't scared of YOU!" said the ice cream cone in ebonics, "Who you thank you is? This ain't Chris' stomach AKA the Ghetto!"

"You take your chocolate flavored self and go stuff-"

The ice cream cone then raises her hand to silence the taco.

"OH! OH! OH! YOU DID NOT JUST GIVE ME THE HAND!" shouted the taco, "It's on, girlfriend!"

The food then begin to fight inside Stewie's stomach making him queasy.

"Oh god!" shouted Stewie as he scurried to the bathroom with Maddie and Brian in tow.

"Look, there's Carol's plane!" said Lois pointing outside, "Everybody look your best."

Lois's sister Carol finally arrives from her gate and in her arms was her baby son.

"Lois!" said Carol happily as she hugged her sister.

"It's so good to see you," said Lois.

"Hi Aunt Carol!" said Meg as she hugger her.

"Hi Aunt Carol!" said Chris as he hugged her.

"Hey, long time no see, Carol," said Peter.

"Wait, didn't you make a dirty call to me last night?" asked Carol.

"Peter?" asked Lois confused.

"Uh... Say have you met my son in law Zack?" asked Peter changing the subject.

"You're the one who married Meg?" asked Carol, "Congratulations."

"Thanks. Did Lois tell you that she had a baby?" asked Zack.

"Yes, she did," said Carol, "Meg, I'm very glad that you were able to bear a child and overcome that condition of yours."

"Wait, what condition?" asked Meg.

"You know, your rotten vagina," said Carol, "The reason other boys run away from you. Your father told me all about it."

"Peter what?" asked Zack angrily.

"Uh... Say Carol, have you met Zack's cousin Jack?" asked Peter as he pulled Jack in front of him, "Jack who is right in front of me so that Zack cannot hit me if he doesn't want to hurt his emotionally depressed cousin?"

Zack snaps his fingers angrily.

"You look just like your cousin," said Carol.

"Not true. I'm much more good looking," said Jack as he then noticed the baby, "Cute kid. Where's the father?"

"He left me at the last minute," said Carol sadly, "Just like the other eight husbands... I just went through my ninth divorce."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I know how that feels," said Jack, "I just recently broke up with my fiance. But I don't see how anyone could divorce someone as pretty as you."

"You really think I'm pretty?" blushed Carol.

"For an older woman, yeah," said Jack, "Wait! I'm sorry! That didn't come out right!"

"Jack, what the hell do you think you're doing?" asked Zack suspiciously.

"He's just being nice," said Lois, "After all, Carol's having a rough time."

"Obviously, it's cougar season...." muttered Zack.

Meanwhile by the bathroom, Brian is waiting for Stewie outside the bathroom door.

"Stewie, are you okay?" asked Brian.

"Brian, I don't feel- BLAAAAAAAARH!" hruled Stewie, "My stomach feels like it's on fire- BLAAAAAAAARH!... I don't remember eating corn."

Maddie walks out of the girl's bathroom and sneaks away until she overhears two guys delivering a bunch of packages.

"Can you believe it?" asked on employee, "We got more letters to deliver to the North pole from the post office."

"It's like this every year," said the other.

"These dumb kids just don't know that Santa just doesn't exist," said the employee.

"Yeah," chuckled the other, "They probably believe in other stupid things like the Tooth Fairy and God."

"Say, where do you want these letters?" asked the employee.

"Toss them into the fire with the others," said the other as he tossed the packages into a huge fire.

Maddie's eyes began to fill with tears after just hearing what they had just said.

"There's no Santa?" asked Maddie to herself.

"Maddie, are you alright?" asked Brian as he walked up to Maddie, "What's this fire doing here?"

"It's... it's nothing," she said, "Let's go find the others."

As she walks away with Brian, Maddie tosses her letter to Santa into the fire with the others. Later at the house, the family is having dinner. Maddie, however, was just sadly poking at her food.

"Maddie, you haven't touched your plate," said Meg, "Is there something wrong?"

"I'm not hungry," said Maddie in a depressed manner.

"You should eat up," said Lois, "Santa likes good little girls who eats all her vegetables."

"Oh, cut the crap!" said Maddie angrily, "There's no Santa Claus!"

The family then gasps. Peter spits his drink out at Zack.

"Ugh!" shouted Zack in disgust, "Don't do that!"

"What could make you say such a thing?" asked Peter.

"I heard two guys at the airport say it," said Maddie, "They said how only stupid kids believed in Santa."

Peter then spits his drink out at Zack again.

"Ugh! That's it. I'm sitting over here now," said Zack as he sat on the other chair next to Peter.

"What a horrible thing," said Lois, "Such horrible men..."

"Well, it doesn't matter because I burned my letter," said Maddie bitterly.

Peter then turns around and spits his drink out at Zack.

"That's it! I'm eating dinner in the living room," said Zack as he grabbed his plate and walked out.

"But Maddie, then Santa won't know what you want for Christmas!" said Chris.

"But he's not real!" said Maddie, "What's the point?"

"What are you saying?" asked Meg.

"What I'm saying is this," said Maddie, "Christmas is dead to me."

At that moment, everyone gasps again. Peter takes a drink, runs into the living room and spits on Zack again.

"AW DAMMIT!!!" shouted Zack.

"I'm going to my room," said Maddie as she sadly walked upstairs.

"This is terrible," said Lois.

"What's the big deal?" asked Jack, "I grew up knowing Santa was a fake and I turned out just fine."

"But she's only one," said Meg.

"And by rejecting Santa, she's giving up on her innocence," said Carol.

"She can't do that," said Peter, "She needs to be 16 before giving up her innocence."

"Not if I can help it," said Zack.

"Maybe if I take Maddie to the mall to meet Santa, that'll set her straight," said Meg.

"I just hope she doesn't think about doing something drastic," said Lois.

The next morning inside Chris's treehouse, Maddie and all her toddler friends are having a meeting.

"What was it that was so important that you needed us to be here at 6 in the morning?" asked Olivia annoyed.

"Yeah, and where's the free pizza you promised?" asked CJ annoyed.

"Okay, a couple announcements," said Maddie, "First of all, the pizza was a lie."

"And the cake?" asked CJ.

"That was true," said Maddie, "But then someone name Chell came here and stole it using a portal gun all while telling me the cake was a lie, thus turning that into a lie as well."

"Figures. The cake is ALWAYS a lie," sulked CJ.

"Second, THERE IS NO SANTA!" shouted Maddie.

The other kids then gasp in shock.

"What? But that's preposterous!" said Stewie in utmost horror, "He gave me my gift last year and the year before!"

"Those were from grandpa," said Maddie.

"How can you tell?" asked Stewie.

"He spelled Santa with an ampersand," said Maddie.

"You mean Santa's NOT dyslexic?" asked Stewie.

"Uh, Stewie, he used the ampersand on the first S," said Maddie.

"What makes you so sure that Santa's not real?" asked Cody.

"Think about it," said Maddie, "How can one man using only a sled and deer deliver toys around the world to millions and millions of children in one night without a rest stop?"

"Well, logically, that's impossible," said Tilly.

"Exactly," said Maddie, "And has anyone actually ever SEEN Santa at night?"

"I guess not," said CJ.

"And how can a fat guy fit through such a tight chimney without setting himself on fire?" asked Maddie, "And what about the insomniacs? How do THEY get presents from Santa? They don't!"

"It's all true!" said Olivia in horror, "That means Santa's not real."

"And that is why I'm forming the Anti Santa Society!" said Maddie.

"Wait... the acronym for those letters spell ASS," said Cody.

"I know. Isn't that awesome?" asked Maddie, "We will all expose Santa for who he really is. We'll pull every beard in town so children won't have to suffer through the lies we did."

"Maddie, Stewie, Cody it's time to go!" said Lois from under the treehouse, "We're going to meet Santa at the mall who is 100 percent real."

"And so begins phase one," said Stewie, "We'll pull off Santa's beard while at the mall, exposing him in a crowd of children."

"Wish us luck," said Maddie as she and Stewie climbed down.

"Something tells me this'll end in disaster," said Cody, "This will probably be just like that movie "The Santa Clause" starring Tim Allen, except none of us has a criminal record."

Later at the mall, the family is waiting in line to meet Santa.

"Now this should prove that Santa is real to Maddie," said Meg.

"Maddie, I know last year didn't go so well, but I'm sure Santa will be really here for real," said Lois.

"Hey, look. Why who is that?" asked Peter pointing to Santa coming out of his work shop, "Why it's Santa Clause and he's here right now!"

"Ho Ho Ho!" said Santa as they put Maddie in his lap, "Well, hello little girl. What's your name?"

"I'm Maddie Murdock, Santa," said Maddie, "If that IS your real name."

"Um... Well, have you been a good little girl?" asked Santa.

"Yes, unlike you Liar McLiarpants!" said Maddie, "I call you that because you are a liar who wears McLiarpants from McLiarsville and you're a fraud."

"Why, I'm the real Santa," said Santa nervously, "What would make you think a thing like that?"

"Because the REAL Santa doesn't have a pull off beard!" shouted Stewie as he pulled off his beard to reveal that he was Dr. Hartman.

he children then all gasped as Lois, Meg, Cody, and Zack cover their foreheads in embarrassment.

"Oh my god!" said Peter, "Mild mannered Dr. Hartman is a doctor by day, but when nightfall hits, he becomes Santa who delivers presents to children and fights mutants from Mars while getting laid by alien women from the planet Sextopia."

"...Actually this is a part time job," said Dr. Hartman.

Later that day, the family is watching the news about what happened earlier that day.

**Cutaway to TV**

"Our top story tonight," said Tom, "A local toddler unbeards Santa Clause at the local mall. While this may not seem like a big deal, many children have become traumatized by the event."

"Apparently the girl is the leader of a group known as ASS," said Diane, "The Anti Santa Society who's primary goal is to reveal that Santa is not real."

"And apparently they are succeeding," said Tom, "Children all around Quahog have stopped believing in Santa and want nothing to do with Christmas."

"So essentially, Christmas is ruined," said Diane, "We go live to Ollie for his opinion. Ollie?"

"MY DREAMS ARE DEAD!" shouted Ollie quickly.

"Thank you Ollie," said Diane.

**End Cutaway**

"That stupid kid!" said Peter angrily, "We should find her family and kill them!"

"Peter, Maddie's our granddaughter!" said Lois annoyed, "WE'RE her family!"

"This is terrible," said Carol, "She's single handedly ruined Christmas for Quahog. I guess my baby won't know what it's like to feel good on Christmas morning."

"Don't say that, Carol," said Jack, "I promise that you and your baby will have Christmas. I swear it."

"Thank you," said Carol, "You're so sweet."

"But what can we do about it?" asked Brian, "It's not like we can get Santa to appear?"

"...Or can we?" asked Lois to herself.

"No, he said we can't," said Peter.

"...Or maybe we can..." said Zack to himself.

"No we CAN'T!" said Peter angrily, "Weren't you listening?"

"Maybe we aren't..." said Meg to herself.

"God, I'm surrounded by ignorance!" said Peter frustrated.

"Maybe that's because Santa's right here..." said Lois.

"No he is not because Maddie just said that Santa isn't-" said Peter.

"She means you, stupid!" said Zack annoyed.

"Come again?" asked Peter.

"We want you to dress up as Santa on Christmas Eve and give all the children in Quahog presents," said Meg, "that will restore their faith in Santa."

"Come again?" asked Peter.

"You'll play Santa in an attempt to make Maddie and the other children believe in Santa again," said Lois.

"Come again?" asked Peter.

"Dress up as Santa to make Maddie happy," said Brian.

"Come again?" asked Peter.

"Peter, you're an idiot," said Zack.

"Come again?" asked Peter, "Hehehehe! I kept saying 'come'."

Meanwhile in the stairway, Stewie, Maddie and Cody are eavesdropping on them, listening in on their little plan.

"So they think they can trick us, can they?" asked Maddie.

"Well, two can play at this game," said Stewie, "We'll catch the fatman in the act and post the pictures on the internet for EVERYONE in the world to see!"

"You know what? You're both insane!" said Cody angrily, "I know you both feel bad that Santa isn't real but you're taking this too far! So what if he wasn't real? You still got presents anyway. Christmas isn't all about Santa. Isn't the fact that your parents spent time and money giving you gifts is enough?"

"...So I was thinking that we could use a net," said Stewie ignoring Cody.

"I give up," said Cody in frustration, "I'm going to help the grown ups with their plan. Enjoy trying to kill Christmas, idiots."

Cody then leaves the room, leaving Stewie and Maddie alone.

"What's this strange sensation I'm feeling in my stomach?" asked Maddie, "It feels like a combination of guilt and pity."

"That's just indigestion," said Stewie, "Lois's fruitcake does that."

"I guess you're right," said Maddie, "How much are bear traps?"

Christmas Eve night finally arrives and the adults are getting their plan ready for action on the roof. Peter was dressed up as Santa while Lois, Meg, Chris, Carol, Jack, Zack, Cody, and Valarie were the elves and Brian was Rudolph.

"This plan better work," said Valarie.

"It's a good thing Tilly's a genius," said Peter, "This rocket powered sled should get us around Quahog in no time."

"How were you able to convince Tilly to help?" asked Brian, "I thought she was part of Maddie's Anti Santa Society."

"That was me," said Cody, "I promised her some Plutonium rods if she helped us."

"Where did you get Plutonium?" asked Lois.

"Walmart," said Cody, "They have everything."

"Don't even joke about that," said Valarie.

"Take a look for yourself," said Cody handing them the receipt.

"Plutonium rods 4.99?" asked Zack, "Damn, they DO have everything."

"And we're off!" shouted Peter as he turned on the rocket sled and flew off into the horizon, "On Dancer, on Prancer, on Blitzer, on Hitler, on Tom Cruise, on Sean Connery, on Oscar, on Elmer, on Ander, on Fox!"

As soon as they leave, a flying sled with reindeer lands on the roof of the Griffin home. Meanwhile inside the house, Stewie and Maddie are awakened by a loud laugh.

"HO HO HO!!!"

"That's them!" said Maddie, "Do you have the trap ready?"

"Indeed," said Stewie.

Santa climbs down the chimney and is about to place the presents under the tree when he sees a plate of cookies.

"What's this? A plate of cookies?" asked Santa as he read a sign, "Eat me. I am definitely not a trap. Well, if it's not a trap."

As he takes a bite into the cookie, they release a sleeping gas.

"Oh no no!" said Santa weakly as he fell asleep. Stewie and Maddie begin to drag him away into the basement.

Meanwhile where the family is, Carol and Jack were passing the time with a conversation while waiting for their next destination.

"-And that's why my fourth husband left me," said Carol, "But with my fifth husband-"

"It just sounds like they weren't the ones," said Jack.

"Nobody's ever the one," said Carol sadly.

"You'll find him someday," said Jack, "Maybe when this is all over, we could... well I know I'm younger than you, but..."

"Are you asking me out on a date?" asked Carol as she blushed, "We'll I'd love to."

"Hey, cool it lovebirds," said Valarie annoyed, "Besides, we're almost at the first place."

The sled then comes to a screeching halt, sending Zack flying off, hitting the roof face first.

"Zack! Are you okay?" asked Meg with worry.

"No thanks, mommy. I'm only twelve," said Zack dizzily as small reindeer are circling his head, "Too much pot can be bad for you."

"Blasphemy!" shouted Valarie angrily

"Hey, we're at Jillian's apartment," said Zack shaking the cobwebs from out of his head, "But there's no chimneys here."

"Then we'll have to do this the old fashioned way," said Peter, "I'm breaking in."

"But isn't that illegal?" asked Zack.

"Isn't what Santa does in general illegal?" asked Peter.

"Good point," said Zack.

After picking the lock of Jillian's front door, Peter sneaks all the way to the Christmas tree and carefully places the presents underneath. Suddenly CJ turns on the lights to see his disguised grandpa. CJ just stares at him as Peter makes a shushing motion.

"...MOM!!! THERE'S A BURGLAR IN THE HOUSE!!!" screamed CJ in horror.

Jillian then rushes into the room with a mace at hand while Tilly runs in with a raygun.

"I warned you the first 7 times, Quagmire!" said Jillian threateningly, "Now you- You're no burglar. You're Santa, the exact opposite of a burglar! You ARE real!"

"Uh... Hehehehehe, uh I mean Hohohohoho!" laughed Peter in a ho variation of his trademarked laughed.

"Maddie was wrong!" said CJ with glee, "I knew you were real!"

"That's right, little boy," said Peter, "And because you've both been such good little boys and girls, I'll give you your presents early."

"What did you get me?" asked CJ.

"For you little Christopher Reeve Griffin/Murdock Junior, a brand new shiny Yo Yo!" said Santa.

"Hahahaha! It's round and circular just like a triangle!" said CJ with joy as he played with his Yo Yo.

"For you, Jillian, a present that any woman your age would want," said Peter, "Simon, the addictive color pattern game from Milton Bradley!"

"Colors with the name of a chipmunk!" said Jillian with joy as she began playing Simon, "Thank you, Santa!"

"And for you, Tilly, a Plutonium rod," said Peter as he handed her the glowing rod.

"Thanks Santa," smiled Tilly as all of her hair fell off.

"Out of curiosity, what did you get your grandpa Peter for Christmas?" asked Peter.

"We both bought him a tie," said CJ.

"...Alright, give me those freaking presents back," said Peter as he snatched them away before getting a glare from Lois out the window, "Ah, I'm just kidding. Merry Christmas kids! Hohohoho!"

Peter finally makes his way back to the rocket sled.

"So how did it go?" asked Carol.

"It went off without a hitch," said Peter, "I tell you, just looking at the smiles on those children's faces made my heart feel all warm and fuzzy and not in the bad heartburn way. I just hope the real Santa is looking at the smiles at children's faces as well."

Meanwhile in the Griffin basement, Santa is tied to a chair while Maddie and Stewie look on at him in anger.

"What's going on here?" asked Santa.

"We're the ones asking the questions, fatman!" said Stewie.

"You don't fool us for a second, grandpa!" said Maddie, "We know what you're trying to hide!"

"Look if this is about that song "I saw Mother Kissing Santa Claus", it's not my fault I'm irresistible!" said Santa.

"You didn't kiss my mother," said Maddie, "She's 'ugly', remember?"

"Really?" asked Santa.

"HELL NO!!!" shouted Maddie, "YOU'RE the one who always said that!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Santa.

"Perhaps if I pulled off your beard!" shouted Stewie as he tugged and tugged, but no luck, "Glued on, eh? Pretty clever, fatman."

"Why are you children doing this to me?" asked Santa, "I'm jolly old Saint Nick."

"Liar!" shouted Maddie, "You're just another fake just like all the other Santas! Admit it!"

"Never!" said Santa angrily.

"I see then," said Stewie, "Then it looks like we'll have to MAKE you talk."

"Do your worst," said Santa, "Nothing can scare me. Not even the current state of the economy has made me flinch."

"Then perhaps you'll be able to endure the compiled political rantings of Brian Griffin!" said Stewie as Maddie rolled in a TV and put in a tape.

"Oh snap!" said Santa.

"Blah blah blah Liberal views. Blah blah blah anti Bush. Blah blah blah I hate Republicans. Blah blah blah I'm gonna shove my views down your throats."

"No! Make it stop!" begged Santa, "His political rants are like Doonesbury except it's not funny.... No, it's EXACTLY like Doonesbury."

Meanwhile where the others are at, Brian suddenly shivers.

"What's wrong, Brian?" asked Peter.

"I don't know," said Brian, "But I think somebody is making fun of my political views in a sick and twisted way."

Back at the house as Stewie and Maddie walk out of the basement...

"Do you think he'll crack?" asked Maddie.

"Oh he'll crack," said Stewie, "This is the fatman we're dealing with. He'll crack within 5 minutes. He's more predictable than an episode of Pokemon."

**Cutaway**

**Malcolm Fox now presents to you: Pokemon in a Nutshell.**

Ash and his friends walk to some random forest/town and meet the Pokemon of the day and his trainer.

"Look, it's the Pokemon of the day and his/her trainer," said Ash.

"Boobies..." said Brock since the trainer of the day is a chick.

"(Insert Pokemon's name here)," said Pokemon of the day.

Team Rocket is spying on them.

"Let's capture the Pokemon of the day and Pikachu," said Jessie.

"Meowth, that's right!" said Meowth.

"I'm ambiguously gay," said James, "...Or am I?"

A bunch of stuff happens and Team Rocket tries to get away with the Pokemon of the day.

"Pikachu, use thunderbolt because I'm so unoriginal!" said Ash.

"PIKACHUUUUUUUU!!!" shouted Pikachu as he blew up Team Rocket.

"How the hell do we keep blowing up?" asked Jessie.

"Lazy writers," said James.

"Meowth, that's right," said Meowth.

"We're blasting off again!" shouted Team Rocket.

Ash and his jerk friends say goodbye, walk into the sunset and do everything all over again in the next episode.

**The End**

**End Cutaway**

Meanwhile at Adam West's house, Santa Peter delivers Adam West his present.

"Just what I've always wanted," said West as Peter handed him a box, "New Brite Light pegs! No longer will I mispell my name as Adam We. I can now spell it properly: Adam Wii!"

The family just stares at the mayor in confusion.

"...I love this guy," said Jack.

"Speaking of Wii, we have to give somebody one last present," said Lois.

"C'mon, Lois. I've been flying for hours," said Peter, "I even gave your father a present which I hope he 'enjoys'."

Meanwhile at the Pewtershmidt mansion, Lois' father Carter is holding his present from "Santa" with anticipation.

"Look, Babs! I got a present from Santa!" said Carter with glee, "Can I open it?"

"Well, it's technically Christmas in China, so yes," said Babs.

Carter then quickly unwraps his present and opens the box to receive a fart.

"EWW! OH GOD! WHY SANTA??? WHY???" choked Carter as he fell unconscious.

Back at West manor...

"This last present is for a very special little girl who doesn't believe in Santa anymore," said Lois.

"Aw, geez another one?" asked Peter, "I guess we'll have to skip poor Maddie just to make this little girl-"

"She meant Maddie," said Meg annoyed.

"I knew that," lied Peter.

Meanwhile back at the house, Stewie and Maddie are getting exhausted from torturing Santa all night.

"Dammit, he won't talk!" said Stewie in frustration, "We've tried everything."

"How about we use Sur-"

"Do NOT finish that sentence if you want to live," threatened Stewie.

"Yeah, I hate it too," said Maddie, "Let's just shave his beard off instead."

"Good idea," said Stewie as he pulled out some shears.

Santa sweats nervously as Stewie walks closer, and closer to Santa. Suddenly a violent crash violently shakes the house. Stewie and Maddie run up to the first floor just in time to see through the window that Santa Peter fell from the roof and landed on his knee.

"SHHHHH AAAAAAAHHHH!!! SHHHHHHHH.... AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" hissed Peter.

"Wait a minute. I recognize that unnecessarily long gag," said Maddie, "Grandpa?"

"Wait, if that's the fatman, then who...?" thought Stewie.

Maddie then thinks for a moment. Her eyes then lit up with joy as she smiles.

"Santa IS real!" said Maddie with cheer before realizing something else that turned her thoughts of joy into thoughts of dread, "...Oh, Son of a bi-"

Later, the family releases Santa and are sitting in the living room apologizing to him.

"We're really sorry about all this," said Meg.

"I'm really sorry, Mr. Santa," apologized Maddie, "I guess I took the whole anti Santa thing a little too far."

"You aren't the first person to tie me up," said Santa, "Ever been to Roman Polanski's house?"

"No," said Maddie.

"Don't go," said Santa.

"So I guess this means I'll be getting coal this year, huh?" asked Maddie sadly.

"Well, you did almost destroy Christmas for all of Quahog," said Santa, "But your actions made your grandfather do something selfless thus earning him presents instead of coal so your wrong actually made a right."

"Thanks a lot Maddie," said Peter angrily, "I could've used that coal for my grill!"

"Well I'm off," said Santa.

"Wait, before you go I have a question," said Carol, "Will I get my Christmas wish this year?"

"I'm sure you'll find your answer in the morning," said Santa as he went up the chimney and headed off into the horizon with his sled, "Hohohoho! Merry Christmas!"

The very next morning, the family was opening their presents. Stewie opens up his box and finds a lump of coal.

"What's this? COAL?" asked Stewie in anger.

"Alright! A Wii!" said Maddie with joy as she opened hers.

"How the devil did you get a Wii when you made the Anti Santa Society?" asked Stewie.

Maddie then silently points to a lamp that had a red lightbulb.

"Well, I was sure he was the next Hitler," said Stewie, "Rudolph does sound an awful lot like Adolph."

"Aunt Carol, I don't see any presents from Santa for you," said Meg.

"Yeah, I guess Santa couldn't deliver, huh?" asked Peter.

"Actually he did," said Carol, "Jack and I have an announcement to make."

"I'm moving to Texas to live with Carol and her kid," said Jack.

"Are you serious?" asked Valarie.

"We really click together," said Carol, "I know he may be a bit young, but I think we were made for each other."

"Wow... I guess this is goodbye then," said Zack.

"Hey, don't get all mushy on me," said Jack as he hugged his cousin, "We'll visit."

"Well congratulations, Carol," said Lois, "I hope this one works out for you. You too Jack."

"I hope so, too," said Carol as she and Jack held each other's hand.

And so all's well that ends well I suppose. Maddie believes in Santa Claus again and Carol may have finally found the one, but not everyone had a happy ending... Meanwhile at the North Pole, Rudolph, now the no-nosed reindeer was in therapy.

"And now every time I see a football I scream like a girl," said Rudolph.

"I see," said the therapist as he jotted down notes, "Let's delve into that a bit. Were you molested by a football as a child?"

"What? NO!" said Rudolph, "I told you, a kid stole my nose!"

"Was it your mother?" asked the therapist.

"NO!" said Rudolph, "A kid stole my nose!"

"Was it your father?" asked the therapist.

"You're not listening!" said Rudolph annoyed, "A kid stole my nose!"

"Was it an elf?" asked the therapist.

"Hell no!" said Rudolph, "Herbie is my best friend. In fact he always helped me with the ladies showing how to kiss them and where to find the right hotspots by practicing with him and..." said Rudolph as he then realized the truth about Herbie, "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

**End Chapter and Merry Christmas**


	33. She's a Mad Dog

**Chapter 33: She's a Mad Dog**

**(AN: So today marks the day that I FINALLY put up the first chapter of the 2009 edition of Meg's Family. Now, I'll bet you're all wondering what the hell took me so long. I'll tell you what; Writer's block, family problems, personal problems, The Sims 2, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and work. Now enough of the boring stuff. Let's get started.)**

On a normal Saturday evening, the family was sittingin the living room watching a movie when Brian walks through the front door, looking both exhausted and frustrated.

"So how did your date go, Brian?" asked Lois.

"Terrible," said Brian, "We basically argued the whole night. She actually thought that we should be wasting taxpayer's money to deport illegal immigrants when this country itself was founded on immigration-"

"UUUUUUUUGH!!!" groaned everybody in the room.

"What? You guys actually agree with her?" asked Brian.

"No, it's because you drove away another girl because of your political views," said Zack.

"Yeah, this is the third one this month!" said Meg.

"Hey, I don't scare away girls with my political views," said Brian.

"Oh no?" challenged Peter, "Remember when Jillian was nice enough to set you up on a date with one of her friend?"

**Flashback**

At Jillian's Apartment, Jillian is introducing a brown haired woman to Brian.

"Brian, this is Alice," said Jillian, "Alice, Brian."

"Hi there," said Alice, "I was kinda thinking that maybe we should get to know each other first."

"Okay, let's see," said Brian, "I'm pro-choice and support same sex marriages-"

Alice then shrieks to the top of her lungs as she runs and throws herself through Jillian's apartment window.

**End Flashback**

"Okay, so maybe I do like to throw my political views around a little," said Brian, "I can't help it. It's who I am! God, I need a martini."

"What you need is to get your mind off of dating," said Maddie, "It's obviously making you stressed."

"Maddie's right," said Meg, "Hey, I heard a new park just opened! Why don't you go there?"

"I'm sure a lot of people will be bringing their dogs there," said Lois.

"I dunno," said Brian warily, "I don't exactly blend in with the crowd so to speak."

"Relax, Brian," said Lois, "This will give you a chance to meet other dogs and just hang out. You might even have a little fun."

"Brian doesn't need to hang with other dogs," said Peter, "We've got one right here at home. Her name's Meg."

Zack then quickly backhands Peter without even turning around.

"Like I didn't see that one coming," said Zack dryly.

"Why can't you ever take a joke?" asked Peter annoyed as he rubbed his face, "You're a bigger killjoy than the Joker's wife."

**Flashback**

An exhausted Joker walks into his house where a normal looking woman is giving him such a stern look.

"Where were you?" she asked.

"I was out, okay?" said Joker.

"You were terrorizing Gotham again, weren't you?" she asked.

"No," lied Joker.

"Then how do you explain THIS?" she asked as she throws down a newspaper.

The headlines read "Joker Strikes Again. Victims Corpses Left With Smiles on Their Faces"

"Okay, so I wreaked a little havoc. So what?" asked Joker annoyed.

"It that you like putting smiles on everyone's faces but mine," said his wife sadly.

"..Not that you've been trying to do the same for me..." muttered Joker.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked his wife angrily.

"You know damn well what it means!" said Joker, "Marriage is a two way street; it's not all about YOU!"

"I hate you!" screamed his wife, "Mother was right! I should've married The Penguin instead!"

She runs up to her room sobbing.

"I better go rob a jewelry store if I want that make up sex," said Joker.

**End Flashback**

The next afternoon, the family takes Brian to the new park. Instead of being active with the other dogs, Brian is instead reading a newspaper on a bench. A dog then comes up to him and tries to sniff his butt.

"Sorry, but I don't swing that way, bud," said Brian as he shooed him away.

"Brian, why aren't you playing with the other dogs?" asked Lois.

"I know what you're trying to do and it won't work," said Brian, "I don't want to hook up with a bitch."

"No Brian," said Lois, "If I wanted to do that, I'd have hooked you up with Peter's boss."

"Badum Bum psh!" said Zack as he made drum gestures.

"Brian, look around," said Peter, "You're a dog, they're dogs. Don't you want it doggy style?"

"I'm different from normal dogs if you can't tell," said Brian.

"Well, if you don't want to play with them, will you at least play with me?" asked Maddie, "I have your favorite frisbee right here."

"What the hey," shrugged Brian, "I can't say no to a baby."

"Brian! Brian look at me! Look! Look!" shouted Stewie as he was on the swings, "I'm going to swing all the way around! Look! Look at me! Are you looking?"

"No," said Brian.

"Hey, Stewie, you gonna swing around?" asked Peter, "Let daddy help ya'!"

"No no! I want to do it my- AHHH!!!" shouted Stewie as Peter pushed him hard.

"See, now isn't this..." said Peter as the swing came down without Stewie, "Hey, where'd you go?"

Meanwhile where Brian and Maddie were, Maddie was about to toss the frisbee.

"Now you want to use your wrist when tossing it," said Brian, "Then I chase it and catch it."

"And dogs find this kind of stuff fun?" asked Maddie.

"Says the one who finds amusement in shaking a baby rattle," said Brian dryly.

"I'll thank you not to refer to the Wii remote that way," said Maddie dryly, "It isn't MY fault the PS3 isn't doing so well."

"Yeah, we'll let the forums handle this argument," said Brian, "Anyway, are you ready?"

"Ready!" said Maddie.

She then tosses it so hard however that it flies over Brian's head. A faint ow in a female's voice could be heard from afar.

"Crap, I think you hit someone," said Brian.

"Just ONCE I'd like to do a normal activity without getting in trouble!" said Maddie annoyed.

They run to a nearby park bench where they see the back of the head of what appeared to be a red haired woman.

"I think it landed over here," said Maddie, "She must be the one I hit."

"Ma'am we are so sorry," apologized Brian, "She wanted to play frisbee but she tossed it too hard."

"So this is your frisbee?" asked the woman as she turned around... except she wasn't a human woman. She was a talking dog that stood on her hind legs like Brian. She was a Collie and had a very feminine figure. She was Brian's height and her voice sounded exactly like Katey Segal(aka Leela from Futurama and Peg from Married with Children. Think of it as a guest voice.).

"You're beautiful..." said Brian in astonishment, "And you can talk?"

"Well, you're one to speak... er, so to speak," said the dog, "I say that in a sarcastic way as you are a talking dog questioning the speaking abilities of another talking dog."

"Sorry, it's just I've never seen you before," said Brian.

"That's because I'm new here," she said, "My name's Brianne, by the way."

"I'm Brian," said Brian as he noticed a book in her hand, "What book are you reading?"

"It's about God," said Brianne.

"Oh..." said Brian disappointed, "You actually believe in that stuff?"

"Only if it started raining pigs," joked Brianne, "It's about Atheism. I'm an Atheist."

"Really? Me too," said Brian, "So how about that economy, huh? It's been in a really shape since Bush took over."

"I know," said Brianne, "That's why I voted democratic."

"So did I," said Brian, "Must be a coincident."

"It has to be," said Brianne, "Next thing you know you'll say that you like martinis, you have a good singing voice, and an unfinished novel."

"I like martinis, I have a great singing voice, and an unfinished novel," said Brian.

"Me too!" said Brianne cheerfully, "Are you sure we're not twins separated at birth?"

"Not likely," said Brian, "I'm nowhere near as pretty as you."

"Oh you devil, you," giggled Brianne.

"So what are you doing tonight?" asked Brian.

"I'm probably just going to sit home to a bowl of Pedigree for dinner," said Brianne, "Then I'll probably get bored and start barking at the dogs on TV and then I'll chase my tail until I fall asleep."

"I was thinking that we could talk a little more over dinner," said Brian.

"You mean a date?" asked Brianne, "Sure. Here's my address."

"Great, I'll pick you up at six," said Brian.

Stewie then walks by and notices Brian talking to the female dog.

"What the deuce?" asked Stewie confused, "That female dog has so much in common with that douche."

"I know. It's like somebody created a female clone of Brian," said Maddie, "Essentially a science experiment gone horribly right."

"I haven't been this disturbed since the fatman disguised himself as Hermoine to hang with the Hogwart kids," said Stewie.

**Flashback**

"Ok does anyone know who to make a healing potion?" asked Snape

Peter raise his hand as he was dressed like Hermoine Granger, except the clothes barely fit him. He looked like a fat, trampy transexual.

"Oh! Oh! Over here!" said Peter

"Anyone?" asked Snape

"Over HERE!!!" shouted Peter as he still raised his hand.

"I see no one knows," said Snape as Peter threw a chair at him.

"God You suck!" said Peter in frustration as he walked out of the classroom, "I'm gonna go hang with the Lord of the Rings guys. Oh, and spoiler: He wanted to plow your mom, Harry."

As soon as Peter leaves, the real Hermoine comes into the room.

"Hello everyone," she said siting down.

"Why did you do that to Snape, Hermoine?" asked Harry.

"Yeah. Why?" asked Ron.

"What do you mean?" asked Hermoine, "I was late for class."

"Oh... so that was a fake, then," said Harry.

"No wonder she looked hotter than usual," said Ron as everyone in the classroom looked at him, "WELL, SHE WAS!!!"

**(AN: this flashback was suggested by Narutosonlygirl123. Thank you.)**

**End Flashback**

The next day at the Quahog Mini Mart, Chris is with Carl behind the counter talking about movies again.

"Hey Chris, I rented the latest Harry Potter movie the other day," said Carl, "Guess what I found out?"

"What?" asked Chris.

"Emma Watson is hot," said Carl.

"I know," said Chris.

"And she's legal now, too," said Carl, "So here's what I was thinking we should do: We save up our money for two plane tickets to England. Then we find her, seduce her with our good looks, take her to our hotel room and get it on in a threesome. Now I know you're only 14 but I'll teach you the basics of sex."

"I'm pretty sure I'll know my way around," said Chris.

"No, it's not like using your right hand," said Carl, "You have to know how to handle a woman."

"I know that," said Chris annoyed, "I know my way around."

"It's not the same as watching porn," said Carl, "You have to make her feel good."

"DAMMIT, JILLIAN SAYS I MAKE HER FEEL GOOD!!!" shouted Chris.

"...Oh my God..." said Carl in shock, "...I'm wearing my underwear outside my pants! Anyway, I wasn't paying attention. I think you were saying something about Morgan Freeman or something?"

Suddenly, Peter walks into the store and walks up to Chris.

"Let's go, son." said Peter, "Your mom wanted me to pick you up from work."

"What? You can't leave now," said Carl, "You still gotta help me move that old Ms. Pac-Man machine to the back of the store."

"Wait, you mean you guys are just gonna throw it out?" asked Peter.

"Well, yeah," said Carl, "Nobody really plays it anymore. It's more untouched than Amy Winehouse these days. Huh? Huh?"

"Heh heh," chuckled Chris.

"Hey, how about I buy it off you?" asked Peter, "Will you let me buy it off you?"

"That depends," said Carl, "How much are you willing to pay?"

"I'll give you 25 bucks for it," said Peter.

"25 bucks?" asked Carl, "This is a vintage 1981 arcade game. It's worth way more than that!"

"Alright fine..." sulked Peter, "26 bucks."

"100," said Carl.

"50," said Peter.

"75 then," said Carl.

"150," said Peter.

"Wait, that's double of what I want," said Carl.

"500!" said Peter.

"You know, I'm not sure if it even works anymore," said Carl, "You can just take it if you want."

"1000! And that's my final offer," said Peter.

"Did you hear what I just said?" asked Carl, "I'm giving it to you for free."

"1000! Take it or leave it!" said Peter.

"Mr. Griffin, are you even paying attention to what you're doing anymore?" asked Carl, "I'm starting to wonder if what Zack says about you having the attention span of a bug is true."

"Hey where am I?" asked Peter as he looked around.

Later at the house, Peter and Zack are moving the arcade machine into the house.

"You bought an arcade machine?" asked Lois, "We don't have room for this in our house."

"Yeah dad," said Meg, "You could buy Ms. Pac-Man on any old game console and save space."

"If I wanted to save space, I'd make you lose weight," muttered Peter.

"What was that?" asked Meg annoyed, "Tell me the one who crushed grandpa to death with his overweightness didn't say that!"

"Meg, men don't get fat," said Peter, "Only women get fat. Men get big"

"Then make your BIG ass useful and push with it you BIG biggie!" strained Zack, "This thing weighs a ton!"

"Alright, alright," said Peter, "I'll hold on while you pull. Don't worry, I'll be here to help you all the way."

At that moment the phone rings.

"I'll get that," said Peter as he walks away.

"Peter, wait! NONONONO!" shouted Zack as he was then crushed by the arcade machine, "OW!!! MY SPINE!!!"

"Hello?" asked Peter as he answered the phone, "You want to speak to Brian?... You're Brianne, the dog he met yesterday?... It's about your date for tonight?... I should give Brian the phone now?... I'm making myself look like a fool repeating everything you say on the phone?... I'm a- Okay, miss I have children here in the vicinity and I will not have them exposed to such vulgar language you inconsiderate-"

"Give me the phone!" said Brian, "Hello?"

"Hi, Brian," said Brianne, "I just wanted to let you know that I'll be picking YOU up for our date this time."

"Really?" asked Brian, "Because I had some really nice jazz albums for us to listen to."

"No way," said Brianne, "That was my reason to pick you up in my car."

"Okay, I'll see you when you get here," said Brian as he hung up.

"My, Brian. I thought you said you didn't date bitches," said Lois with a hint of bitterness in her voice.

"Lois, Brianne is different," said Brian, "We have a lot in common."

"Yeah, a bit too much if you ask me," said Stewie, "I'm telling you, Brian, that bitch is more dangerous than a pregnant Supergirl during her mood swings."

**Cutaway**

Supergirl who is 6 months pregnant is sitting in the living room with her husband who was some random man. He then coughs a little.

"SHUT UP!!!" shouted Supergirl as she punched his head clean off his shoulders.

**End Flashback**

"You're just mad because I'm not spending any more time with you," said Brian as a horn blew outside, "That must be Brianne. I'll see you guys later."

"Have fun on your date," said Meg.

"Don't worry. I will," said Brian, "I might even bring you guys back a mannie bag from dinner. Heh," joked Brian as everyone stared at him in silence, "Get it? It's like a doggie bag, only for people. Just a... just a little joke there," chuckled Brian as they continued to stare at him, "I'm gonna go now."

Brian the walks out to the car and rides off with Brianne.

"Okay, back to work," said Peter as he noticed Zack still trapped under the arcade machine, "Geez, I turn around for 5 seconds and you're already napping on the job! You married a lazy bum, Meg."

"If I could feel my legs I would kick you with them right now..." muttered Zack as he tried to struggle from under the arcade machine, only exhausting himself, "Meg, be a dear: call the hospital."

Later that night at a fancy restaurant, Brian and Brianne are seated at a table having dinner and a conversation.

"And without realizing it, I kept calling William Rehnquist 'William Rinequest'," laughed Brian, "God, I mean, doy!"

"HAHAHAHA" laughed Brianne as she squirt out her water through her nose, "Are you serious?"

"I'm dead serious," said Brian.

"Well I suppose we've all done a few stupid tings in our lifetime," said Brianne, "Take me for instance. I sometimes call generic brand groceries items by their brand names. I mean, I'm pretty sure Mr. Pip wouldn't appreciate me calling him Dr. Pepper."

"And I'm pretty sure Mr. Pip couldn't afford to sue you for it either," joked Brian as they both chuckled, "You know, this is actually fun."

"Me too," said Brianne, "I have never dated anyone who actually laughed at my jokes."

"Me neither," said Brian, "But, then again I was always dating stupid people. In fact, the girlfriend before my last one has an infant daughter who's smarter than her. Well, actually, she's smarter than everybody, but she has a retarded son who's smarter than her by a little."

"Well, she can't be as stupid as my last boyfriend," said Brianne, "In fact there he is right now on the other table."

On the other table, there was a random woman with a blonde short haired man who wore a light blue shirt and brown pants.

"And would you like anything to drink?" asked the waiter.

"How about some lemonade?" asked the woman.

"None for me, thanks," said the blonde haired man, "I don't want to be responsible for the killings of innocent lemons."

"His name's William," said Brianne, "And to think I once called him Willy bean..."

"Huh..." said Brian as he thought there was something familiar about William but just couldn't put his hand on it.

The next day at the house, Peter is in the basement teaching Chris the fundamentals of life.

"Chris, I am going to teach you how to make love to a woman," said Peter.

"But dad, I already know how," said Chris.

"Nonsense, because I already set you up with a woman," said Peter as he walked up to the arcade machine, "Her name is Ms. Pac-Man."

"Ms... Pac-Man?" asked Chris.

"Yeah, let me show you how to handle her," said Peter, "This joystick here let's you move her however you want... but then you got these ghosts here who want to take your woman! So what do you do? You grab those power pellets and have Ms. Pac-Man snack on them if you know what I mean. Man, she's such a dirty slut!"

"Are you teaching the boy about sex or playing video games?" asked Zack as he walked into the basement.

"I believe the answer is quite obvious," said Peter as he rolled his eyes.

"Ms. Pac-Man is easy. Watch," said Zack as he pressed the start button only to be introduced to an 'insert coin' message, "What the hell? You didn't turn free play on?"

"Prostitution ain't cheap," said Peter, "25 cents a pop."

"Fine...," grumbled Zack a put a quarter into the machine, "It's easy. All you have to do is eat all the pellets and avoid all the ghosts..."

Ms. Pac-Man dies.

"Like what you didn't do?" asked Chris.

"Huh? This thing must be broken," said Zack as he tried again, only to die again, "Okay, one more time."

Zack then dies once again.

"Wow, I don't think I've ever met a guy who lost all 3 lives in under 10 seconds," said Peter.

"I don't get it," said Zack, "I used to be really good at this game."

"Looks like someone's a little rusty..." whispered Chris to Peter.

"Rusty?!?! I'll show you who's rusty," challenged Zack as he put in another quarter.

This time as Zack played, he was doing really well.

"Hey, not bad," said Peter.

"That's right," said Zack, "She knows who's her man."

Meanwhile upstairs above the basement door, Meg could overhear this.

"What?" asked Meg as she tried to listen in some more.

"Yeah, you're a dirty whore aren't ya?" asked Zack, "OH YEAH! MUNCH ON THOSE BALLS, SLUT!"

"Oh my god!" gasped Meg in shock, "Zack's cheating on me!"

A few nights later, Brianne is taking Brian to her house.

"I really want you to meet my family," said Brianne.

"I don't know," said Brian, "Don't you think this is a bit too soon? I mean, we've only been dating for a week now."

"Relax, Brian," said Brianne, "It's not like I'm asking you to marry me. I just want you to see them."

"I just hope I can make a good impression on them," said Brian, "I still remember when I met one of my old girlfriends' parents."

**Flashback**

Brian is with a girl who was a random blonde.

"Wait here, while I get my parents," she said.

"I can't wait to meet them," said Brian as she walked out of the room.

She then walks back into the room with an African American couple.

"Brian, these are my parents," said the girl.

"Pleased to meet you, son," said the father.

"Ooh! You picked a cute one, too," said the mother.

"You're parents are..." said Brian in surprise.

"Black? I know," said the girl, "I'm adopted."

"No, it's okay," said Brian, "I love black people. In fact, I have this really great black joke: So this black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the bar tender asks 'Where the hell did you get that this'. Then the parrot says-"

A few seconds later, Brian is tossed out of the house into a pile of garbage.

**End Flashback**

"I'm sure they'll love you," said Brianne, "Now lets go inside."

As they both walk inside, Brian takes a seat in the living room.

"I'll be right back," said Brianne, "You just make yourself at home."

"I'll try not to pee on the couch," joked Brian.

"Oh you..." chuckled Brianne, "Seriously, do it and I'll kill you."

Brianne then leaves Brian alone in the living room. He then looks around, marveling the lovely house.

"What a nice house," said Brian to himself as he looked at the piano, "Kinda looks like Lois' piano."

"Alright, Brian I want you to meet my family," said Brianne.

"It's a pleasure to meet... Oh my god!" said Brian in shock as he looked at the family.

To Brian's shock, Brianne's family heavily resembled his.

"This is my family, the Griffiths," said Brianne.

"G-Griffiths...?" asked Brian in confusion.

"Hey, nice to meet ya. My name's Skeeter," said the husband who resembled Peter. He had blonde hair, brown pants, and square framed glasses. He then farts, "Whoops. My friends always said I was a GAS! Hehehehehe... Flatulence."

"Don't mind Skeeter. He can be pretty stupid," said the wife who resembled Lois. She had brown hair, wore a red shirt, and her nose was a bit rounder, "I'm Lola. Have you met the kids? Their names are Peg, Chad, and Louie."

"Why does Brianne get a date and not me?" whined Peg who resembled Meg except her nose was rounder, she had red hair, her glasses were square framed, and she wore blue instead of pink, "I hate my life."

"You should probably ignore her," said Brianne, "Lord knows everyone else does."

"...Right..." said Brian confused.

"Mom, is he here to get rid of the evil lemur that lives in my closet?" asked Chad who resembled Chris except he had red hair, wore a green shirt and wore his hat backwards.

"Chad, stop being silly," said Lola, "There is no evil lemur in your closet."

Chad then turns to look upstairs to see and angry lemur pointing to him as he ran upstairs into Chad's room.

"Blast! Another talking canine could jeopardize my plans for world domination!" said Louie who was football headed like Stewie except his nose was rounder and he wore green overalls and a white shirt, "I'll have to destroy him, too."

"Looks like someone's a little cranky," said Lola as she picked up her baby, "Don't worry, Louie. Mommy will put you to bed."

"Unhand me you vile woman!" said Louie angrily, "Dog! Help me!"

"Don't forget to kiss him goodnight for me," said Brianne.

"Damn you!" said Louie.

"Don't pay any attention to that whole world domination thing," said Brianne, "One minute he wants to rule the world and the next, he's suddenly gay."

"Really?" asked Brian nervously, "Brianne can I talk to you for a second? In private?"

"Sure thing," said Brianne as she and Brian stepped outside.

"What the hell?" asked Brian confused, "Your family is JUST like mine!"

"I know!" said Brianne, "Isn't it great how we have so much common?"

"You KNOW?" asked Brian, "Wait a minute, you've never even seen my family."

"Wait, I meant I DIDN'T know," said Brianne in a panicky manner, "Isn't it just the weirdest coincident?"

"You know about them, don't you?" asked Brian, "Out with it!"

"Alright! I modeled the Griffiths after them," said Brianne.

"Modeled?" asked Brian.

"Yeah, they're robots," said Brianne as she revealed the circuitry in Skeeter's butt, "I wanted us to have as much in common as possible."

"But why?" asked Brian.

"Because I LOVE you!" said Brianne, "I know everything about you. Your favorite food, your favorite drink... I've watched you at your first dog show, I saw you perform at The King and I, and even saw you in court for that awful Pewtershmidt bitch. I even grabbed some shedded fur and one of your old dog collars from your trash!"

"My trash?" asked Brian in disgust, "You've been... STALKING me?"

"Brian, stalking is such a negative term," said Brianne, "I prefer to be called an obsessive fangirl. Well now that I've got you in my paws, I'm never gonna let you go."

"Okay then..." said Brian, "...Well, see ya!"

"But you've only been here for 10 minutes," said Brianne.

"Yeah, but there's this thing I have to do..." said Brian as he back away to the door, "This thing that men do on their spare time and no women are allowed!"

"Are you thinking about masturbating?!?!" asked Brianne in shock.

"Yeah! That's it! Well see ya, bye," said Brian quickly as he shut the door and left.

"Damn them all!" said Louie, "Victory shall be mine! Victory is mine! So are you finished with that novel?"

"Shaddap!" said Brianne as she punched Louie's mechanical head off.

Later that night, Brian comes home huffing and puffing after running from Brianne's house only to be greeted by Peter.

"Hey, Brian. You're home early," said Peter as he then farted, "Whoops. My friends always said I was a GAS! Hehehehehe... Flatulence."

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" shouted Brian as he ran into the living room to where Maddie and Stewie were.

"Whoa! What's up with you?" asked Stewie, "You look like you saw a ghost... or Amy Winehouse. HA! Get it? It's funny because I am implying that Amy Winehouse is a homely woman."

"I just saw the weirdest thing," said Brian, "I went to my girlfriend's house and her family was a robotic version of ours! She had a Peter, a Lois, a Meg, a Chris, and a Stewie. It was the freakiest thing I ever saw."

"That does sound freaky," said Maddie.

"And it gets worse," said Brian, "She's been stalking me since before we even met! The reason we have everything in common is because she's obsessed with me! I think she might be a psycho!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, back up," said Stewie, "There's ANOTHER Meg? You'd think God would've learned his lesson the first time."

"Shut up," said Maddie "Brian, that sounds even more outrageous than that trap Eliza set up for me," said Maddie.

**Flashback**

The entire world is in black and white. Maddie is dressed as a black spy while Eliza is dressed as a white spy. Also, for some reason they both have black beady eyes.

Eliza has a ton attached to a rope hanging from a tree right above a dollar. She then quickly hides behind a bush. Maddie then walks by and notices the dollar. She bends over to pick it up. Eliza then quickly releases the rope, letting the ton fall. Maddie then removes her hat to reveal a spring on her head. this causes the ton to bounce off her and land right on top of Eliza. Maddie picks up the dollar, snickers, and gives a peace sign.

**(A/N: Try to guess the reference of this flashback)**

**End Flashback**

"I'm telling you, the robots were totally creepy!" said Brian, "It was like looking in a mirror. Do you know how weird it is to see people who resemble others?"

Maddie just looks at her cell phone. On speed dial she has the names "Rosie" and "Jaina" on the top of her list.

"Wouldn't know," said Maddie dryly.

"Wait, who's Jaina?" asked Brian.

"It's actually a funny story that involves me, the Sundoor, another parallel universe, Lucifer, and a kid with angel wings," said Maddie.

"...So are you gonna tell us this story?" asked Brian.

"Hell no! That would take another chapter!" said Maddie.

"I have to break up with her," said Brian.

"You sure that's a good idea?" asked Maddie, "I may not know much about the real world, but I do know women get pissed off over break ups. Remember Corvette?"

"Brianne is like me, okay?" said Brian, "And like me, I'm sure she is a mature and understanding individual."

A few moments later, Brian has the phone away from his ear as Brianne is screaming through the phone.

"WHAT THE (bleep)?!?! YOU CAN'T (bleep) BREAK UP WITH ME! HOW DARE YOU BREAK UP WITH ME YOU (bleep)!!!" shouted Brianne angrily, "NOBODY BREAKS UP WITH BRIANNE GRIFFITH! **NOBODY**, DAMMIT! I LEGALLY CHANGED MY (bleep) NAME JUST SO WE COULD (bleep) BE TOGETHER! YOU BIG STUPID (bleep) (bleep) DOODY HEADED (bleep) (bleep) bleep)! OH WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU-"

He then quickly hangs up and turns to his younger companions. Maddie then begins to creep a little grin.

"Say I told you so and I'll pop you," threatened Brian.

Meanwhile, Meg walks downstairs into the basement where Peter and his friends are watching Zack playing Ms. Pac-Man. Zack is unshaven, sweaty, and red eyed.

"Oh my god!" said Meg in shock, "How long has he been on that thing?"

"He's been on it for a week straight," said Peter, "He hasn't moved, blinked, or bathed."

"Has he even been to work?" asked Meg.

"Yeah, has Angela fired him yet?" asked Joe.

"No, I already got that part covered," said Peter.

Meanwhile at the Pawtucket Brewery, there's a mop propped up on Zack's desk. Angela walks into the office and sees the mop.

"MURDOCK!" shouted Angela, "...Good job. Keep it up."

Back at the basement...

"Get him off! Right now!" said Meg.

"Good idea," said Peter as he walked up to Zack, "Hey Zack, buddy, Have you thought about..."

"HHHHHSSSSSS!!!" hissed Zack angrily towards Peter, causing him to quickly back away in fear.

"Zack, you're scaring me," said Meg, "What happened to him?"

"He's become Ms. Pac-Man's bitch is what it is," said Quagmire, "He's got Ms. Pac-Man fever."

"Ms. Pac-Man fever?" asked Joe, "Are you sure?"

"I had it once," said Quagmire, "I had the same symptoms. The red eyes, the sleeplessness... Next thing you know he'll be trying to get it on with the machine though the coin slot?"

"Has he done that yet?" asked Meg.

"...No," said Quagmire, "I think I'm the only one who's actually tried that. Anyway the point is Zack has a new woman now... and her name is Ms. Pac-Man."

Meg then runs upstairs crying.

"Hehehehe. Meg sucks so much she's losing men to video games now," said Peter, "It's both funny and tragic like watching a clown car collide into a short bus."

Upstairs in Meg's room, Meg is on the phone with her best friend Raven.

"Hey, Meg," said Raven, "What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

"It's Zack," sniffled Meg, "He's cheating on me!"

"Really?" asked Raven, "Sorry to hear that. How did you find out."

"He's been gone for a week and hasn't come back since," said Meg.

"Have you told your mom about this?" asked Raven.

"No way!" said Meg, "I can't tell her!"

"And why not?" asked Raven.

"Because I know who he's cheating on me with and she'll think it's stupid," said Meg.

"Think what's stupid?" asked Lois as she walked into Meg's room, "I heard what you said on the phone and Zack should be ashamed of himself. Who is this hussy he's with?"

"You'll just laugh," said Meg.

"Meg, you're my daughter," said Lois, "I would never laugh at you."

**Flashback**

Lois is laughing at a crying Meg in her bedroom.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughed Lois, "You had your period during sex??? HAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!" shouted Meg.

"Are you kidding?" asked Lois, "It's hilarious! HAHAHAHA!!!"

"WELL I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS SO FUNNY!" shouted Zack from the bathroom.

"This'll make a great blog," said Lois as she ran out of the room.

**End Flashback**

"Now exactly who is this woman Zack is with," said Lois.

"Ms. Pac Man," said Meg.

"...Did you say Ms. Pac-Man?" asked Lois in shock.

"See? I knew you thought it was dumb," said Meg, "I lost my man to a stupid video game!"

"Ms. PAC-MAN?" asked Lois furiously, "MS. PAC-MAN?!"

"Is there something wrong?" asked Meg with a hint of worry in her voice.

"I know this hussy all too well," said Lois bitterly, "It all happened when I was 12 years old. I was at Showbiz Pizza with my secret crush Jeremy. I wanted him to hold my hand while the animatronic animals were singing but he said NO! He was too busy playing Ms. Pac-Man. It didn't stop at Showbiz Pizza, no. He bought the Atari version. Then the NES version. Then Super NES version. Then the compilation disks that came years after. Last I heard of him he MARRIED the freaking arcade machine. Meanwhile, I ended up having to date a fat slobby bastard who was a complete idiot and had no consideration for those around him!...." she said angrily as she breathed heavily, "But then I met your father and everything became right in the world," said Lois happily.

"Oh my god!" said Meg, "The same thing could happen to me!"

"I've waited 28 years for this moment," said Lois bitterly, "I'm going to break that machine and finally free Jeremy from Ms. Pac-Man fever!"

"Wait, don't you mean Zack?" asked Meg.

"Who?" asked Lois.

The very next morning, Brian walks outside to grab the newspaper. After doing so, he turns to house and drops the newspaper in shock. Written in red dripping pain on the house was "I'll get you, Brian".

"What the hell?" asked Brian worriedly, "It was probably... just a bunch of punks. yeah that's it," he reassured himself, "Stay away from my house you damn punks!"

"Punks have feelings, too!" said one punkish looking teenager who was with a group of fans, "Stop being so mean!"

"Okay then..." said Brian as he walked back into the house. As he sits on the couch, he notices that the answering machine has some messages, "Huh... I don't remember having any messages..."

_"You have... 99 new messages... Message one..."_ said the answering machine as it beeped.

"Hi Brian, it's me, Brianne," said Brianne's voice, "I just wanted to apologize for my behavior last night. That was just so immature of me the way I yelled at you. Anyway, I'm sorry and I hope we can be friends after this. Ciao."

"That's a relief," said Brian.

"Message two..."

"You son of a bitch!" said Brianne angrily, "I give you an apology and you have the balls to not even respond? All you men are alike! You make me sick! I'll kill you, you hear me? I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Message Three..."

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean that," sobbed Brianne, "I'm sorry! Forgive me! I'm just taking this break up really really hard!"

"Message four..."

"You know what? Screw you," said Brianne, "I don't need you. I can get any other man I want."

"Message five..."

"Come back to me, Brian," said Brianne desperately, "We'll be happy together... forever... did you hear that? Forever! We'll both be happy! I'm smiling? Are you smiling? We'll both be smiling soon! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Message six..."

"Did you like what I left at your house?" asked Brianne darkly, "It's true. I'm going to get you soon. And then I'll make us be together... FOREVER! And EVER! And EVER! And EVER! And EVER!"

"Sad thing is, all those calls were made in the span of a half hour," said Stewie as he walked into the room.

"You KNEW about those calls?" asked Brian terrified, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"'Cause I didn't want to see that scared look on your face," said Stewie as he looked ad Brian's terrified face, "AHH! That the one! That's not funny, Brian!"

"Brianne's insane," said Brian, "It's scaring me, Stewie! She's coming to get me!"

"You know, I knew this one guy who was being stalked by a girl once," said Maddie, "She gave him threatening calls and stuff."

"So what did he do?" asked Brian.

"I don't know," said Maddie, "The guy was you and you didn't do anything yet."

"Don't worry, Brian," said Stewie, "I'll take care of Brianne for you. I'll get rid of her like they got rid of Scrappy Doo."

**Cutaway**

"Happy Birthday, Johnny Quest," said the Scooby gang along with the various other Hanna Barbera characters who came to Johnny.

"Ropen Rour Resont, Rohnny," said Scooby.

"Oh boy, what is it?" asked Johnny in excitement, "Is it a monster mask?"

Then from out of the box pops out Scrappy Doo.

"Ta ta ta ta ta taaa! Puppy power!" shouted Scrappy.

"He's your problem now!" said Fred quickly as he and the gang ran off into the Mystery Machine and sped off.

**End Cutaway**

A little later Stewie takes a little visit to Brianne's house. After ringing the doorbell, she answers.

"Hi, Stewie," said Brianne.

"Brianne, we need to talk," said Stewie, "It's about Brian. I don't like what you're doing, man."

"What do you mean?" asked Brianne.

"I've seen what you did," said Stewie, "The phone calls... the graffiti... I washed that clean before you did that."

"He saw it?" asked Brianne, "Did he tell you how much he loved it?

"Well I'M telling YOU to cut the crap before I mess you up!" said Stewie, "I'll do to you what I did to New Brian."

"Who's New Brian?" asked Brianne.

"Exactly," said Stewie.

"I see," said Brianne darkly, "Now let me tell YOU something... You probably don't know this, but I ALWAYS get what I want. And right now I want Brian. Nothing is going to get in my way, especially a small football headed child with a Napoleon complex! Tell me, do you know what fear is? Well, it's what you'll be experiencing soon if you get in my way of Brian. Your little threats don't scare me."

"Yeah, well... your little threats don't scare me, either!" said Stewie.

"You're lying," said Brianne darkly, "I hear your voice quake and tremble. You're scared, Stewie and you should be. I suggest you go home and tell Brian what I just said... Oh and FYI: I know who New Brian is," she said as she pulled out New Brian's bloody scarf and licked some of the blood off it, "Thanks for taking care of him for me."

Stewie slowly and fearfully backs away as Brianne laughs insanely. He then darts right out of the door and runs for home. Later that night, Lois and Meg sneak into the basement wearing black clothing. They see that Zack has finally collapsed from exhaustion, and hunger.

"Is he dead?" asked Meg.

"Let me check," said Lois as she grabbed a stick and poked him. Zack slowly began to vomit and twitch, "He's fine."

"Shouldn't we take him to a hospital?" asked Meg, "He hasn't eaten in a week."

"I SAID he's fine,," said Lois sternly, "Now grab the machine. We'll take this to the junkyard crusher and Zack will be yours again."

"I can't believe we're doing this," said Meg, "Just you and me; mother and daughter. This will be the perfect chance to bond with each other."

"Shut up, Meg," said Lois as Meg made a sad face, "Just kidding! I don't know why I did that. One minute I care so much about you, and trust me I do. Then the next I'm picking on you like everyone else. It's almost inconsistent..."

Lois grabs one end of the machine as Meg grabs the other end. As they both walk with the heavy machine, Lois trips, causing the machine to fall on top of Meg.

"Oh my god! Meg!" panicked Lois.

"Help me!" groaned Meg, "It's crushing me!"

Her mother desperately tries to lift the machine off her daughter, but it's much too heavy.

"I can't get it off!" said Lois angrily, "Damn you, Ms. Pac-Man! Is there no one I love that you won't take from me?"

Zack begins to gain consciousness and is greeted with the sight of his loved one being crushed to death by an arcade machine.

"Meg! No!" shouted Zack in horror as he gets up and tries to lift the machine, but can't, "Crap! I'm too weak from playing to lift it."

He desperately looks around to find something that will help him. He sees an axe encased in a glass that read "Plot Device Axe". He breaks open the glass and uses it to chop up the arcade machine until it was light enough for him and Lois to lift it up.

"Meg, are you alright?" asked Zack worriedly.

"I am," said Meg as she noticed the machine in pieces, "You killed your first love to save me."

"Actually Ms. Pac-Man was my 2nd love," said Zack, "My first love was Donkey Kong. Sweet monkey love Donkey Kong... It sounds kinda gay when you think about it..."

"I thought you loved 'it' instead of me," said Meg.

"Meg, that's just a machine," said Zack, "I don't love it. I just have a gaming problem. You're my forever girl and no video game will change that."

"I love you, too," said Meg as she noticed Zack touching her breasts, "Zack, my right breast is NOT a joystick."

"Sorry," said Zack.

The next morning, Brian, Stewie, and Maddie are in the living room formulating a plan against Brianne.

"You were right, Brian," said Stewie, "That bitch is a grade A psycho!"

"What am I gonna do?" asked Brian, "I can't stay in hiding forever."

"Apparently, she knew that," said Maddie, "She set up camp outside."

As they look out the window, they see that Brianne had set up a tent, a campfire, and some clothing drying on a wire.

"Oh, she did not just use my water!" said Stewie angrily as he opened the window, "HEY BITCH! THAT WATER'S NOT FREE!"

"Knock it off," said Brian, "We need to think of a way to get her off my back."

"I've got the perfect plan!" said Stewie, "You get a new girlfriend, she sees that you moved on and she'll do the same."

"Yeah, that would work if she wasn't a freaking psycho," said Maddie, "Besides, where would we get a girl anyway? Was it gonna be you?"

"...No comment," said Stewie as he was suddenly in a dress and wig.

"Brianne loves you, right?" asked Maddie.

"Right," Brian responded.

"And she loves everything about you and what you've done, right?" asked Maddie.

"Right," Brian responded again.

"So you just have to act the opposite of you and you'll repel her like the opposite ends of a magnet," said Maddie, "Tilly taught me that."

"That's actually not a bad idea," said Brian.

"Yeah, Maddie," said Stewie, "That plan is so crazy it just might work!"

"...Are you gonna take off that dress?" asked Brian.

"No... I'd rather not," said Stewie.

Anyway, Brian walks outside the house to face Brianne who quickly walks up to him.

"I surrender," said Brian.

"You what?" asked Brianne confused.

"I'm yours now," said Brian, "I realized that I can't run from you, so I'll be your boyfriend."

"I knew you'd see it my way," said Brianne, "Looks like I won't have to use these after all," she finished as she tossed away a tazor and shock collar.

"Anyway, I want to take you out tonight," said Brian, "We'll meet at that restaurant like last time at 8:00. I'll be there."

"Me too," said Brianne, "It's nice to see that we still have so much in common again!"

"Me too, Brianne," chuckled Brian to himself, "Me too..."

Later that night at the restaurant, Brianne walks inside dressed in a fancy red dress.

"Hi, Brian. I'm ready for my... OH MY GOD!" said Brianne in horror as she saw Brian.

Brian was dressed up in a very nice suit, but that wasn't what scared her. What scared her was the fact that he had the Holy Bible tucked under his arm, a pin that said "McCain/Palin" and another pin that said "Proud AA Graduate".

"Oh, hi Brianne," said Brian, "Sorry I was a bit late. I stayed a little for Bible study."

"Brian, what happened to you?" asked Brianne.

"What do you mean?" asked Brian, "Oh you must mean this. Well, I've decided I'm not going to lie to you anymore. The truth is that I'm a God fearing, Republican voting, sober Conservative... oh dear lord..." he muttered the last part under his breath.

"You mean... everything about you was a LIE?" asked Brianne horrified.

"Afraid so," said Brian, "But I won't lie to you anymore. I was thinking that maybe after dinner we'll go over to my house for Bible study, sing hymns about our savior Jesus and.... I am so not gonna say that last one!"

"Just do it!" whispered Maddie as she and Stewie were outside holding cue cards.

"What was that?" asked Brianne as she turned to the window only to see nothing.

"Fine... support Christian Conservative American values..." said Brian swallowing his pride. He felt so dirty.

"You can do that crap without me, 'cause you know why?" asked Brianne, "We're through!"

"Please, baby, no!" said Brian in feign begging.

"I'm sorry Brian," said Brianne, "It's not you, it's me. And by that I mean it's ALL you. Goodbye."

And with that, Brianne leaves the restaurant and Brian hopefully forever. After leaving sight, he makes a huge sigh of relief, takes off the pins and the Bibles and tosses them into a nearby garbage can.

"Mission accomplished," said Brian, "Let's go home."

"But I just ordered the Fillet Minion," whined Stewie in the dress and wig.

Brian then notices that Maddie is dressed up like a male with her hair slicked back.

"This means nothing," said Maddie, "There's a couple's special."

The next day, the entire family was sitting on the couch watching TV once again.

"Your plan worked like a charm, Maddie," said Brian, "Brianne is gone and I can finally stop using the bathroom inside the house. By the way, Stewie can never use his toy box again."

"Stewie can't do the what now?" asked Stewie.

"Well, I was able to get Zack unhooked from that awful video game," said Meg.

"All in all, everything's back to normal," said Lois.

"I owe you one, kid," said Brian to Maddie, "If there's anything you need me to do, I'll do it."

"Anything?" said Maddie.

"Anything," said Brian.

A little later, out in the front yard, Olivia and Janet are dressed up as bandits who have a bag of candy and sweets.

"Mwahaha! We have the candy!" said Olivia, "Nobody can stop us, now!"

"Cookie," said Janet.

"Not so fast!" said Maddie as she was dressed as a masked cowgirl.

"Oh no!" said Olivia, "It's that no good, but devilishly attractive varmint, the Masked Avenger!"

"They're getting away!" said Maddie, "No matter because my trusty steed will help me catch them," said Maddie as she waited a few seconds, "I SAID my trusty steed will help me!"

"I'm not doing it," said Brian from offscreen.

"You owe me, remember?" asked Maddie.

"Fine..." said Brian in defeat. He walks in on all fours with a saddle on his back and bows tied to both ears like ponytails, "This is humiliating. Why the bows?"

"Because Silver is a girl steed and she's very pretty," said Maddie.

"Yeah, Brian! You look very pretty!" laughed Joe from next door.

"Homosexual, even!" said Peter from the window.

"Hi ho, Silver!" said Maddie as she jumped on Brian's back, "Now get on your hind legs and neigh!

"Don't ever help me again," said Brian dryly.

**End Chapter.**


	34. Mighty Murdocks part 1

**Chapter 34: The Mighty Murdocks Part 1**

The day began like any other normal Saturday morning. Maddie was sitting in front of the TV playing a video game. Stewie walks into the room and sees this

"What game is that?" asked Stewie.

"President Evil," said Maddie.

"What?" asked Stewie.

"President Evil. It's this game Brian bought me last week," said Maddie, "I play as Barack Obama who has to rid the world of a zombified GOP hell bent on infecting the world with conservative views and pointless wars."

"Can I blast your brains out?" asked Obama from the TV as a gunshot sound could be heard, "Yes I can!"

"Do you have anything else?" asked Stewie.

"I also have Silent Hills," said Maddie pointing to a game case with the cast of _King of the Hill_ as grotesque monsters with Hank as Pyramid Head.

The doorbell then rings and she walks off the answer. Upon opening it, she is greeted by the sight of her younger intelligent cousin Tilly.

"Maddie, I need you to do me a huge favor," said Tilly, "I have a bunch of barrels of toxic waste that needs dumping. Can I use your back yard?"

"Can't you dump them at YOUR place?" asked Maddie annoyed.

"I did," said Tilly, "But it's starting to become more obvious."

Meanwhile at Tilly's place, CJ is running away from mutated stuffed animals.

"MOM, HELP!!!" he screamed, "MY TOYS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME!"

"CJ, we've been over this a million times," said Jillian as she was in the living room reading a newspaper, "The Chinese lead paint scare was a LIE made up by American toy companies. You have nothing to worry about."

"OH GOD!!!" screamed CJ as he was dragged into his room by a stuffed octopus, "NO, NOT THE FACE! OW! OUCH! OH GOD! WHAT IS THAT? OW! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BEND THAT WAY!!! OW!! WHY RUBBER DUCKY? WHY?!?!"

"Oh Family Circus. Will you EVER be funny?" chuckled Jillian to herself.

Back to the house...

"No way!" said Maddie, "I don't want to wake up one day and see my mother looking like a freak!"

"You mean you never noticed?" asked Stewie. He then quickly ducks as Maddie's shoe flies across the room and breaks a lamp.

"C'mon! You've gotta!" begged Tilly.

"Wait, why aren't you asking ME to do this favor?" asked Stewie, "I'm a genius, too, you know."

"Because I don't trust you," said Tilly, "In fact, I'll bet you're planning on killing me and stealing all my technology."

"Now that's the stupidest thing I ever heard!" said Stewie as he balled up a piece of paper with instructions to kill Tilly and threw them away.

"Maddie, if you do this, I'll let you have any invention you want!" said Tilly.

"...Even the gene splicer?" asked Maddie hopefully.

**Maddie's Imagination**

At the Quahog preschool center during recess, Maddie is sitting next to Eliza while looking through her lunchbox.

"Damn! Grandpa ate my lunch again," said Maddie frustrated, "Say, Eliza, are you gonna eat that?"

"Like bloody hell you're getting my sandwich," said Eliza.

"I was pointing to YOU," said Maddie as she transformed into a werewolf and began to viciously attack Eliza. Olivia just looks on dumbfounded.

"...I can get used to bestiality," said Olivia.

**End Imagination**

"Huh, wonder what bestiality means anyway?" asked Maddie, "And why did Olivia even say that in my imagination? Oh well."

"Do this and it's yours!" said Tilly.

"Deal!" said Maddie as she shook her cousin's hand.

Later that day, Maddie, Tilly, and CJ are all wearing hazmat suits while burying a bunch of toxic waste barrels in the backyard.

"That's the last one," said Tilly.

"Are you absolutely sure this is safe?" asked Maddie.

"I'm positive," said Tilly, "I had CJ put in some radiation neutralizer into the barrels."

"Yup, I sure did," said CJ, "You have nothing to worry about!"

Suddenly, a nearby tree mutates into a tree monster and roars loudly. He pulls himself from the ground, walks down the street, eats a man on the way and walks into the city.

"...Or was it the OTHER barrels?" asked CJ to himself, "Either way, keep your family inside."

A few nights later, Maddie and Stewie are playing with building blocks in the living room while Peter was watching TV. Brian then walks up to Maddie.

"Maddie, I can't help but notice that the backyard glows an eerie bright green at night," said Brian.

"It's something you ate," said Maddie.

"Something I ate?" asked Brian confused.

"Yeah, YOU go peeing and pooping in the backyard all the time," said Maddie.

"Yeah... Brian goes peeing and pooping in the backyard..." said Peter all shifty eyed.

"Anyone know what happened to that tree that used to be in the backyard?" asked Cody as he walked into the room, "Or Mr. Jenkins who used to randomly walk down the streen for no reason for that matter?"

"Wait, that random background character had a NAME?" asked Maddie, "Uh, I mean, I'm sure he'll turn up sooner or later."

"Where the heck is that plumber I called?" asked Lois, "I called him over an hour ago because I think there's something wrong with the water."

"I'm pretty sure the plumber will turn-" said Maddie before looking in the window to be greeted by the green glowing skeletal remains of a plumber, "Nevermind, he quit."

"Looks like it's all up to me to get some work done around here," said Peter as he raised up his belt, "Zack, get your lazy ass out there and fix the plumbing."

"Why ME???" asked Zack annoyed.

"Because you're so good at fixing things," said Peter, "You even fixed Maddie's sanity after she walked in on me naked."

**Flashback**

Maddie tiredly walks into the bathroom one night and sees Peter naked about to get on the tub. She just looks at him with bloodshot wide eyes.

"Oh hey, Maddie," said Peter, "I guess somebody wants to take a bath with Grandpa Peter!"

_"Oh crap!"_ thought Maddie, _"Isn't this how child molestation trauma starts?"_

**End Flashback**

"Then for some reason, she ran out of the bathroom screaming 'My innocence! Don't take my innocence'," said Peter.

"Forget it!" said Zack, "I'm so sick of fixing for you people!"

"Yeah, Zack is NOT your repairman!" said Meg, "He fixes all your things and you guys don't even give him a thank you. Why should he fix the plumbing?"

"Because if he doesn't, I'm going to let Peter eat all the cheese, meat, and bean burritos he wants," said Lois.

5 minutes later in the basement...

"Could you hand me that wrench?" asked Zack as he and Meg were repairing the plumbing pipes.

"Socket or Pipe wrench?" asked Meg.

"Know what? Just hand me a screwdriver," said Zack, "I want to half ass it."

Maddie and her older half brother Cody walk down into the basement with a question on their minds.

"Mom, I have a question," said Maddie.

"Yes, sweetie?" asked Meg.

"Let's pretend hypothetically that there were barrels of toxic waste buried in the backyard," said Maddie, "What are the chances of it leaking into the house's tap water supply?"

"I'd say they're about the same as the chances of a certain little girl being punished if she dumped toxic waste in the backyard," said Meg suspiciously, "Why are you asking me this? Do you have something to hide?"

"Absolutely not," said Maddie.

As Zack twists the pipe, the entire Murdock family is drenched in a wave of toxic sludge.

"...You're a terrible liar, kid," said Zack.

"Ugh! Gross!" exclaimed Cody as he wiped off the toxic waste, "I'm covered in more sticky stuff than Jessica Rabbit in a rule 34 pic."

**Cutaway**

Why are you reading this? Are you expecting a cutaway involving said situation? Are you some kind of pervert? Go wank off to some porn you pervert!

**End Cutaway**

Later, the Murdocks are sitting at the kitchen table with the rest of the family.

"You guys were drenched in toxic waste?!?" asked Lois.

"Relax, mom," said Meg, "We're still fine. See?"

"Achoo!" sneezed Maddie as flames came from her nose and set the curtains on fire.

"Maddie, next time you wanna dump toxic waste dump it somewhere no one cares about," said Peter, "Like the woods or the old folks' home!"

"Well, that toxic waste must've mutated us," said Zack, "We've each been given a superpower of some sort. I can shoot lightning."

Zack shoots a lightning bolt across the room.

"I can control and create fire," said Maddie as she made her hair turn into flames.

"Meg once again has the AMAZING powers of long fingernails," laughed Peter.

"Oh, screw you!" said Meg irritated as her arm grew longer and swung at Peter, but missed, "Hey, I have elasticity!"

"I thought you always had that. Your stomach always looked stretched out," said Peter before ducking another swing, "Kidding! I was kidding!"

"And I have the power to turn into water!" said Cody as he turned into a watery version of himself.

"...But that power sucks," said Brian.

"Yeah, I know," said Cody as he sadly changed back.

"So now what?" asked Meg, "We've become a family of superhumans."

"Depending on how we used these powers they could either be a gift or a curse," said Zack, "Because we have kids, I think it's best that we show them good moral guidance by using these powers responsibly."

"That means no flash frying Eliza at school," said Meg warningly to Maddie.

"Can I char broil her?" asked Maddie.

"No," said Meg.

"How about roasting her?" asked Maddie.

"NO!" said Meg.

"How about a 3rd degree burn? It'll barely hurt her!" said Maddie.

"No fiery torment!" said Meg.

"An Indian burn? Please don't make me beg," begged Maddie.

"Don't make me give you a timeout in the freezer," warned Meg.

A few days later, the Murdock family is doing grocery shopping at the local super market.

"Isn't this nice?" asked Meg to her family, "A normal family taking a normal trip to the supermarket. Yup, perfectly normal."

At that moment, a cereal box hits Meg. The family turns to see that a little kid with his mother threw it and now he's trying to look all innocent.

"Ma'am, your son just threw a cereal box at me!" said Meg to the boy's mother.

"Mommy, why is that man talking to me?" asked the boy.

"Billy, that's rude," said the mother, "That's not a man. That's just a hideously ugly teenage girl."

"Can I burn them to a crisp?" asked Maddie quietly.

"Or electrify their brains?" asked Zack.

"Or make them slip on a puddle?" asked Cody.

"No, we have to use our powers responsibly," said Meg.

She then stretched out her leg causing the woman to trip and fall as the basket with her son in it hits a wall full of cereal that falls on it. The family just looks at her.

"What? It was MY responsibility," said Meg.

At that moment, a bunch of armed robbers entered the store pointing a gun to the a female cashier.

"Alright, lady!" said the robber threateningly, "Give us all the cash in a bag and no one gets hurt!"

"P-paper or plastic?" asked the cashier shakily in fear.

"Don't play comedian with me!" said the robber angrily, "Put it all in a plastic bag or-"

"No, Rob!" said one of the other robbers, "The money has sharp corners and it's heavy too. It'll tear up the bag!"

"Shut up!" said "Rob", "I'm the one doing the robbery."

"Rob, I want some candy!" whined a different robber, "I'm gonna grab some candy because I really want the candy and if you don't let me get candy I'll hate you forever!"

"Johnny, shut up!" said Rob, "We're not here for candy, stupid! We came for money!"

"But I don't want money! I want candy!" whined Johnny like a big baby as he began to make incomprensable high pitched whining noises while jumping up and down.

"Fine, get one!" said Rob as he rolled his eyes.

"Yeah... candy.... yeah..." said Johnny as he stuffed his pockets with candy bars.

As Rob grabs the money and attempts to flee, the bag tears up and the money falls all over the floor.

"See? I told you so!" said the other robber.

The family catches sight of the armed robbery in progress.

"Finally! The perfect opportunity to put our powers to good use!" said Zack.

"You mean the D'amicos are here?" asked Maddie as she and Meg frantically looked around.

"No, there's an armed robbery taking place," said Zack, "We have superpower powers, so naturally we're going to spring into action."

"Can we do it with a battlecry?" asked Maddie.

"I don't see why not," said Zack.

"Alright let's do this! LEROOOOY JENKINS!!!" shouted Maddie as she and the family ran in front of the burglars.

"Wait a minute, who's Leroy Jenkins?" asked Zack.

"No freakin' clue," said Maddie.

"Who the hell are you people?" asked Rob the robber.

"We're the Murdocks and we're here to take out the trash!" said Zack heroically.

"Who do you people think you are? A bunch of superheroes?" asked Rob.

"That's right, thieves," said Cody as he turned into his water form, "Now, do your worst."

One of the robbers grabbed a sponge and throws it at Cody which absorbs him.

"Weak, dude..." muttered Cody from within the sponge, "Didn't even have the decensy to use a name brand sponge, either."

Johnny, the whiny robber tries to get into a fist fight with Meg but she uses her rubbery body to her advantage, avoiding every punch by stretching.

"Stop it! You're not supposed to dodge!" moaned Johnny, "You're cheating!"

"Hey! Being whiney is MY thing!" said Meg angrily as she grew her fist and punched him unconscious.

Maddie is taking the fight with the nameless burglar. He then reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a gun.

"It's time to pack some heat," said the burglar.

"Good idea," said Maddie as her hair turned into flames. She then tosses a fireball that melts the gun.

"Didn't see that one coming," said the robber as he tried to run away, only to get scorched by her.

Zack and Rob begin to circle each other. Rob is getting into a fighting stance while Zack is just calmly walking.

"Looks like it's just you and me," said Rob, "Man to Man. Mano a Mano. You're no match for me. I was a champion blackbelt while you're just a silly long haired man. You don't stand a-"

Zack just touches Rob on the chest and sends over 1000 volts of electricity through his body. He flies across the room and lands on the unconscious bodies of his companions.

"Grab the buns cause I'm frying up burglars!" laughed Zack, "Get it? Burglars? Burgers? Burglars rhyme with burgers?" the customers just stare at him, "...Oh, screw you people!"

Later that night at the Griffin home, the family is watching the local news about their heroic feat.

**Cutaway to TV**

"In local news a local Quahog family thwarted an armed robbery at a grocery store using super powers," said Tom.

"Eyewitnesses claimed that the family consisted of a man with shaggy looking hair, a girl with glasses and brown hair, a boy in a black trench coat, and a blonde baby," said Diane, "Here's an artist's rendering."

We cut to a group picture of Shaggy, Velma, Dib from Invader Zim, and Maggie from The Simpsons.

**End Cutaway**

"Congratulations, you guys are celebrities," said Brian, "All it took was putting yourselves and your children in danger against armed robbers."

"Hey, I kicked those guys' butts!" said Maddie.

"Me too!" said Cody triumphantly.

"From what I heard, you were stuck in a kitchen sponge for over 3 hours," said Stewie.

"No! I, uh, did that on purpose!" said Cody trying to save face, "It was all part of my master plan to, uh... lure the robbers into a false sense of security so that I could give them the, er, final blow! Yeah!"

"...You couldn't even get out, could you?" asked Stewie.

"Shut up!" said Cody as he threw sprinkles of water at Stewie.

"What was that?" laughed Stewie, "Was that even a sprinkle? You barely got me wet!"

"Stop making fun of me!" shouted Cody.

"I can't believe that my daughter and her family are heroes," said Lois, "Now, I'll finally have something... er, I mean, now I have another additional thing to be proud about you."

"You had a fight at a grocery store?" asked Peter, "I remember when I fought at the grocery store."

**Flashback**

Peter is minding his own business at a grocery store when the giant chicken attacks. Peter then force feeds him an alka seltzer. The chicken expands and then explodes leaving behind a whole bunch of feathers and bird guts.

"I feel sorry for the poor soul who has to clean this mess up," said Peter as he leaves the store.

Meanwhile the janitor walks by the area with a bucket and a mop.

"Oh my god!" he said in horror as he looks at the huge mess, "My floors! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Meanwhile outside the grocery store, Lobster and the real giant chicken, Ernie look on.

"See? I told you the grocery store was a bad place to fight," said Lobster.

"Thank god you were right," said Ernie, "I feel kinda bad for my cousin Bernie, though."

**End Flashback**

"That fight with those robbers got me thinking," said Zack, "There's crime all over Quahog that goes on without the police doing justice about it; rape, murder, people wearing socks with sandals..."

"So what are you saying, dad?" asked Maddie.

"I'm suggesting that we do something that only Peter would suggest at a time like this," said Zack.

"You guys are going to use your powers to create the world's largest donut hole?" asked Peter hopefully.

"...Okay, forget what I just said," said Zack, "We're going to be a family superhero team!"

"Oh my gosh! No way!" said Maddie with joy.

"We'll be famous. We'll be both respected AND feared!" said Meg in excitement.

"Just like black people!" said Chris.

**(AN: Yeah, I hope I didn't offend black people with this statement. I'm black myself, and I only included it because it sounded very Family Guy-esque. If I did so, then I'm sorry)**

"We'll be just like the Fantastic Four, only our team name will sound much less gay," said Zack.

"So what are you going to call yourselves?" asked Brian dryly, "The violent vigilantes?"

"Why are you getting so bent out of shape?" asked Zack.

"Because what you're thinking about doing is against the law and you're putting yourselves at risk," said Brian, "We already have people whose job is to protect this city. If you think that even for a second that I would agree to this foolish tirade, think again."

"...We'll use our powers to stop Republican power everywhere," said Maddie.

"Mighty Murdocks is a good name," said Brian quickly.

"Then it's settled," said Zack, "We are now the Mighty Murdocks!"

"Disgusting," said Stewie, "All that power and they want to use them for good purposes. They're making an even bigger mistake than Katara did for getting together with Aang instead of Zuko on Avatar."

**Cutaway**

In a police station, Katara is being thrown in jail.

"You don't understand!" begged Katara, "We're in love!"

"You call it love," said the officer, "The law calls it Pedophillia!"

"But he came onto ME!" said Katara, "And It's only a two year age gap!"

"Yeah, tell it to the judge, you teenage child touching sicko," said the officer as he shut the bars.

"Aang! Tell them what happened!" begged Katara.

"Hey, you knew what you were getting into," said Aang before he walked away and blew her a kiss, "See you in a few of years, baby. I'm sure our love is strong enough to overcome this."

"ZUTARA!!!" she screamed out loud in frustration, "WHY DIDN'T I CHOOSE ZUTARA!!!"

**End Cutaway**

The very next day, the Mighty Murdocks were in the living room showing off their new superhero costumes.

"Good thing the costume store still had superhero costumes left," said Zack as he was wearing lightning yellow spandex with green gloves and boots, and a Robin-esque mask.

"I'll say," said Maddie wearing a red dress with red boots and a red mask.

"So, what do you guys think?" asked Meg as she wore a purple leotard with long purple boots, long purple gloves, and a purple hat that looked like her pink one.

"How can I put this?" asked Stewie, "You've just received the new super ability to make people vomit faster upon eye contact."

"Keep that up, and you don't get to wear my superhero dress," said Maddie.

"Oh, but you promised!" moaned Stewie.

"Why am I not surprised by that?" asked Brian dryly as he turned to Cody, "Hey, why don't you have a costume?"

"Don't need one," said Cody as he turned into his liquid state, "My liquid state should be enough to keep my identity a secret."

"Isn't your water form a bit flimsy?" asked Brian.

"Of course not," said Cody reassuringly.

At that moment, the telephone rings.

"I got it!" said Peter who rushes right into Cody, causing him to splatter into a water puddle.

"I'm alright," said Cody, "I think the carpet soaked my arm, though."

"Hello?" answered Peter, "They're on their way! It's the mayor. He needs your help!"

"Quickly, Mighty Murdocks!" said Zack, "To the Murdock Mobile!"

You mean your vintage Cadillac?" asked Meg.

"No, the Murdock Mobile," said Zack.

"What's the difference?" asked Maddie.

"Because Murdock Mobile sounds more superhero.... ish?" asked Zack.

"...Works for us!" said Maddie, "Let's jet!"

A little later at the Mayor's Office, Adam West is pacing back and for frantically.

"This is bad," said West, "Really bad! Superbad, only it isn't not funny."

Just as Adam West continues to be in misery and woe, the Mighty Murdocks burst through the front door and strike a heroic pose in front of the mayor.

"What seems to be the problem, Mayor West?" asked Zack.

"No, you're doing it wrong! You must break through my windows like SANE people!" protested West.

"...Okay then..." said Zack as he and the family slowly backed out of the office. A few seconds later they burst through the window, "What seems to be the problem, Mayor West?"

"It's horrible, Mighty Murdocks!" said Mayor West, "An evil gay alien is threatening to destroy the city and it's inhabitants!"

"We're on our way!" said Zack as he and his family dashed out of the office.

Meanwhile in the city, a huge Alien, who looked quite akin to the Aliens from _Alien_... God, I hope you understood that... was causing a scene as civilians fled for their lives.

"Hey there," said the Alien in Bruce the gay performance artist's voice, "I'm a big scary alien. I hear to eat y'all. Y'all better run in fear 'cause I'm an alien and I'm scary. Are you runnin' scared? Ooooh, looks like somebody's not runnin' scared. Yeah, you over there. You're not runnin' Why aren't you runnin'? Guess I'm gonna have to eat you."

"I'm gonna eat you," said the Alien's smaller mouth.

"You get back in there, little mouth," said the Alien.

Suddenly, the alien is shocked by a lightning bolt. He turns to see the sight of the superhero family, the Mighty Murdocks.

"Mighty Murdocks assemble!" shouted Zack as he landed, "Captain Thunder! The man with lighting wit!"

"ElastiMeg!" shouted Meg, "The stretchable teen drama queen!"

"Sunburn!" shouted Maddie, "The burning baby!"

"And Waterboy!" shouted Cody, "The boy who is water... and... well actually, that's it."

"Together, we are..." shouted Zack as they all posed.

"THE MIGHTY MURDOCKS!" they all said in unison.

"Oh Noooooo!" said the Alien, "Superpowered humans! Oh, but you all got really good fashion sense. Especially you. I like your leotard, girlfriend."

"Yes! I knew someone other than Zack would like it!" said Meg, "YOU OWE ME 20 BUCKS, DAD!"

"C'mon! Enough talk!" said Maddie, "Let's kick some alien butt! LEROOOY JENKINS!!"

"Seriously, stop saying that," said Cody.

Everyone gets ready to fight as 1960s Batman type music plays in the background. Zack delivers a lighting hook punch to the creature.

_**POW!**_

Maddie delivers a fireball kick!

_**BAM!**_

Cody punches the creature, but loses half of his watery arm. The Creature is unharmed.

_**FAIL!**_

A picture of Phoenix Write pointing appears for no apparent reason.

_**OBJECTION!**_

Meg stretches her arms and begins to swing the creature by the tail. She keeps spinning until she gains so much momentum that she tosses the creature into the sky and to outer space.

"OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo....!" screamed the gay Alien as he flew away until he made a sparkle.

"You did it!" said Adam West as he ran to the scene, "You save the city!"

"Thank you, Mayor West," said Meg.

"Yes, but you know what?" asked Zack, "The alien wasn't the real culprit here. The real culprit was Mormons."

"Why Mormons?" asked Maddie.

"Because I hate Mormons," said Zack.

**(AN: He really does.)**

The next day at James Woods High, Meg is taking her books out of her locker when she overhears the popular kids talking about something.

"Did you see the news last night?" asked Doug.

"Yeah, it was about the Mighty Murdocks," said Lisa, "They're so cool. Especially that Captian Thunder. He's so dreamy."

"Whatever. Those Mighty Murdocks are such losers," said Connie as she rolled her eyes, "Oooh look at me. I'm a butt ugly girl who can stretch her arms really long. I popped out a fireball. Love me!"

"How dare you say that about the beautiful ElastiMeg," said Doug visibly offended, "You're just jealous!"

"Oh my gosh! He thinks I'm beautiful!" said Meg to herself.

"Well, I love all the Mighty Murdocks," said Lisa, "...Well, except maybe Waterboy."

"Yeah, Waterboy kinda sucks," said Doug.

"Hey, Waterboy tries!" protested Meg, "...It's just that he kinda sucks at trying, too."

"How would you know about that?" asked Lisa.

"Because I know the Mighty Murdocks, personally," said Meg, "I'm ElastiMeg."

"You liar," said Connie, "You're such a wannabe loser."

"I can prove it!" said Meg as she then stretched her left arm and gave Neil Goldman a wedgie.

"Wow, it IS you!" said Doug.

"Big whoop," said Connie, "The fat ugly unpopular teen is now a fat ugly unpopular teen with superpowers. You and your family just made yourselves a million points lamer. Right guys?"

"Oh my God, Meg. You and your family just made yourselves a million points cooler!" said Lisa.

"I know girls ask celebrities to sign their breasts," said Doug, "Will you sign my penis?"

"HEY, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!" shouted Connie, "I'm the leader in this clique and we do as I say and I say we snub her! Got it?"

A few seconds later, Connie is tossed into a trashcan as her friends walk down the hall with Meg. All the blonde girl could do was scowl at her from the trashcan. Later that night at the D'amico residence, Connie is speaking with Eliza about the Mighty Murdocks.

"Mighty Murdocks this. Mighty Murdocks that," muttered Connie as she frantically paced back and forth, "Stupid Murdocks! Always causing me problems!"

"You're not the only one with superpowered peer problems," said Eliza in her sophisticated British accent, "Look what she did to my bloody arm."

"She gave you Indian burns?" asked Connie as she poked on them.

"Don't touch 'em!" she shouted as she switched to her obnoxious nasally British voice, "That little baby did this to me!"

"Why are they the ones with the superpowers?" asked Connie in frustration, "I deserve superpowers! I need them to help people!"

"Who?" asked Eliza.

"ME!" shouted Connie, "Ugh! I'd sell my soul for superpowers!"

As she frustrates herself some more, a mysterious piece of paper falls from the ceiling and lands right in front of her.

"What's this?" asked Eliza as she handed Connie the paper.

"Let me see that," said Connie as she snatched it, "If you and Eliza want your wishes granted, meet me at the old abandoned warehouse. Signed, a friend."

Later, the two arrive at the abandoned warehouse and see the following people: the nerdy and pimply Neil Goldman, the suave and sexy Spaniard Diego Montoya, the robotic Lois looking Corvette, the giant Lobster and... James Woods.

"Great, even MORE freaks," said Connie, "I take it that you all got the same letter?"

"Yeah," said Lobster, "I wonder why?"

"Because you all wanted to make a deal," said a from the shadows. He stepped out to reveal that he was Lucifer, "A deal with the Devil."

**Why has Lucifer gathered all these villainous people in one room. What exactly does he mean by "A deal with the Devil"? And what does this all have to do with the Mighty Murdocks? To find out, tune in next time for the next exciting episode of Dragonball- er I mean Meg's Family.**

**To Be Continued...**


	35. Mighty Murdocks part 2

**Chapter 35: Mighty Murdocks Part 2**

**On the last chapter of Meg's Family... Ummm.... Errr..... Well... I DUNNO! STUFF HAPPENED, OKAAAAAY??? Now just read the rest of the story!**

We continue our story at the abandoned warehouse where the devil, Lucifer, has gather some of the Griffins' and Murdocks' hated enemies.

"Who are you, anyway?" asked Lobster.

"I've gone through many names over many a millennia," said Lucifer, "Just call me Lucifer. I've gathered you all here today for one reason; You all hate the Murdocks."

"That's true," said Connie, "Meg doesn't deserve superpowers."

"Neither does that brat," said Eliza.

"That creep doesn't deserve Meg," said Neil bitterly.

"And I hate that Zack guy!" said Lobster.

Lucifer turns and sees James Woods.

"What the hell is he doing here?" asked Lucifer.

"He followed me here," said Corvette.

"Hey, I hate those Murdocks, too!" said Woods, "For that matter why is Diego here. He doesn't have a grudge against the Murdocks."

"Lucifer told me that he'd grant me ultimate sexiness if I joined him," said Diego.

"Another question," said Connie looking at Lobster, "Why isn't the giant chicken with you?"

Meanwhile at a graveyard in Kentucky, the giant Chicken is pissing on the grave of Colonel Sanders.

"This is for my grandma you son of a bitch," said the chicken bitterly.

Back at the warehouse...

"I don't want to talk about it," said Lobster.

"As I was saying, MOST of you hate the Murdocks," said Lucifer, "That's why you all are going to destroy them."

"And just how are six regular people, and one super sexy sex stud going to do that?" asked Diego.

"When I do this," said Lucifer as he snapped his fingers.

Everyone in the room was instantly struck by a huge lightning bolt. What happened to them? Well, you'll have to find out later. Meanwhile at the Griffin residence, Maddie was showing off her fire powers to Brian.

"I want to show you this neat trick I just picked up," said Maddie as she made a heart in flames, "I can make the flames stay in mid air for a few seconds."

"Wow, that's impressive," said Brian in awe.

"Hey, Brian. Look at me," said Stewie as he lit a lighter, "Brian, are you looking? Look, I'm Maddie. Are you looking? Brian look."

"Yeah, that's nice, Stewie," said Brian not even paying attention.

"HA! He said that's nice!" gloated Stewie to Maddie, "He likes me better."

"Your shirt's on fire," said Maddie.

"My shirt's on...?" asked Stewie as he looked in horror to see that his clothes were on fire after playing with that lighter, "AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHH!!!"

He screams loudly as he runs around in a blazing circle.

"What the hell's going on here?" asked Cody as he walked into the room.

Stewie then crashes right into Cody which causes him to splatter into a puddle of water. He then rolls in Cody's watery remains as he puts himself out of the fire.

"Ah... Thanks, Cody. I needed that," said Stewie as he walked away.

"Oh, no problem Stewie," said Cody bitterly as he reformed himself, "You know how much I love getting my molecules painfully torn apart... Sarcasm aside, these powers suck."

"Don't say that," said Lois as she and Meg walked into the room, "Your powers are very special in their own way."

"Yeah, Cody," said Meg, "I'm sure that your powers are just probably developing. Every superhero is special."

"Except you," teased Peter, "Your powers are as crappy as Aquaman's."

"That's not true," said Aquaman as he was suddenly on the living room couch, "My powers are WAY cooler than his."

"Wow, fatass," said Cody, "I'll bet you feel like a big man picking on a little KID!"

"Trust me, he does," said Brian as he turned to Aquaman, "And what are YOU doing here, anyway?"

"...I don't know..." said Aquaman.

"Well get out 'cause I wanna watch TV," said Peter as he sat down on the couch and turned on the TV.

"We now return to Gumby's Summer Adventure," said the TV announcer.

**Cutaway to TV**

On a hot California beach, Gumby and his pals, Pokey, Prickle, and Goo are writhing in pain in the hot sun as it dries up their clay bodies.

"You lied to us, Gumby!" groaned Pokey in pain, "This isn't fun at all!"

"Why, God?" screamed Gumby, "Why did you make us out of CLAY????"

We then cut away to the news room with Diane Simmons and Tom Tucker.

"We interrupt this raping of your childhood for a special news bulletin," said Tom, "A team of supervillains are running amok in downtown Quahog."

"They seem to be a group who go by the name of The Bad Guy Syndicate for Bad Guys," said Diane, "Details about them are scarce at the moment so we'll just go to Ollie for his thoughts. Ollie?"

"THEY BAD!" shouted Ollie quickly.

"Thanks Ollie," said Tom, "And now back to your regularly scheduled program."

**End Cutaway**

"MORE superpowered people?" asked Lois, "And they're wrecking Quahog?"

"This could be bad," said Meg, "You know what this means."

"Yes. This looks like a job for..." said Zack as he and his family got into a group pose.

"The Mighty Murdocks!" they all said in unison.

"Yes, the FIVE Mighty Murdocks!" said Aquaman as he joined in on their group pose.

The Murdocks just stared at him for a few seconds in confusion.

"Please let me join you," begged Aquaman.

"Get out," said Zack.

Meanwhile in the city, a squad of police officers including, Joe, are firing their weapons against a rock shelled Lobster. The bullets have no effect, however, and only bounce off his rocky exterior.

"Oh no! Our weapons are useless!" said Joe in an over the top manner.

**(AN: Sonic Adventure FTW.)**

Anyway, the Mighty Murdocks arrive on the scene to confront the rock lobster.

"Hey, there's something awfully familiar about that stone lobster," said Maddie.

"Who cares? Let's fry him!" said Zack as he attempted to zap him.

Lobster, however, deflects all of the attacks with his body and knocks Zack into a nearby wall.

"Zack! Are you alright?" asked Meg.

"Meg, thank goodness you're here!" said Connie worriedly as she and Eliza stepped from out of an alley.

"What are you two doing here?" asked Maddie.

"What's wrong?" asked Meg.

"Nothing..." said Connie as her arms formed into sand-like maces and attempted to smash Meg but narrowly missed, "Except that MY superhumans are gonna kick YOUR superhumans' butts!"

Confused thoughts circled inside Meg's head as she tried to get back to her feet. Maddie ran to her mother's side as did Cody.

"How did she do that?" asked Cody.

"Yeah, I thought we were the only superpowered humans in town!" said Maddie.

"Well not anymore, brat," retorted Connie, "Allow me to introduce you to my team."

"I am now Frostbite!" said Eliza as her hair became ice spikes similar in the shape of a super saiyan, "I freeze people in their tracks."

"I am Rock Shell," said Lobster, "The lobster with a rock hard shell."

"Corvette," said Corvette, "I didn't get any powers but I have upgraded a bit."

"You can call me Bi-Clops," said Neil, "I have the power of heat vision. My eyes fire with rage as you have spurned me one too many times and I wish to seek-"

"Yeah, yeah, enough with the soliloquy, Shakespeare," said Connie, "Anyway, you can call me Sandstorm,"

"Wait, what about them?" asked Cody pointing to James Woods and Diego, "Don't they have powers?"

"I DO!" said James Woods who was dressed up like a lumberjack, "I'm the Woodsman!"

"And what do you do?" asked Meg.

"I... have an axe?" he answered before he was punched into the sky by Meg's extended arm

"How about you?" asked Maddie to Diego.

"Me? Powers?" scoffed Diego, "I told Lucifer I didn't need powers. My sexiness is a power on it's own!"

"Your SEXINESS?" laughed Zack, "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard, right guys?"

"Did you say something, Zack?" asked Meg dreamily as she and Maddie stared at Diego.

"Oh HELL NO!" shouted Zack as he zapped Diego into a wall.

"Wait, did she just say Lucifer?" asked Cody, "The same Lucifer who seems to hate us more than his archenemy God for some reason?"

"Who cares?" asked Zack, "Devil magic or not, we can beat them."

"You're going down, you flameheaded wanker," said Eliza.

"Bring it on, icepick head!" said Maddie back as her hair burst into flames, "LEE-"

"Do NOT finish that!" warned Cody.

"Oh, okay then," said Maddie.

"...Thank you," said Cody, "It was really starting to get annoying after a whi-"

"LEEROYJENKINS!!!" shouted Maddie.

"OH GODDAMMIT!" shouted Cody in frustration.

"I'll take on Connie," said Meg as she ran into battle.

"The rock Lobster's mine!" said Zack as he did the same.

"I've got that ice blockhead!" said Maddie as she ran off.

"And that leaves me with psychotron and laser nerd," said Cody before realizing what he was up against, "...Oh crap!"

"That's right. Wet yourself, you little punk," threatened Corvette.

"HA! Joke's on you!" said Cody, "I ALWAYS wet myself... wait that didn't come out right."

Zack repeatedly attempts to electrocute Lobster with lightning bolts, but they keep bouncing off of him.

"Is that the best you've got?" asked Lobster.

"You haven't seen nothing yet!" said Zack.

He then proceeds to form a large and powerful lightning ball which he tosses at Lobster. Lobster, however, deflects it with a punch and sends the ball hurdling across the city. It then collides and blows up a bulding that says "Children's Hospital". Everyone gasps... until they see the rest of the sign that says "Children's Hospital Is The Building Next To Us. This Is Just An Empty Building." The people then sigh in relief.

"...Okay now THAT was the best I got," said Zack before he was knocked out by a stone claw.

Maddie fires a barrage of fireballs at Eliza but she neutralizes each one with her icicle shots.

"You do know you're screwed, right?" asked Maddie, "Fire melts ice."

"Yes, and when it melts it becomes water," said Eliza.

"Oh no..." said Maddie as she realises that Eliza created a huge block of ice over her head.

She tried to put her flames out, but the ice melted into water and extinguished her flames. Meanwhile Meg and Connie were fighting, Rubber girl to Sand person... girl type... blonde thingy... Anyway, every strike Meg made, Connie would just reform herself and likewise with Meg. Meg eventually began to gain the upper hand. As Connie laid on the ground helpless, Meg grew her fists huge to deliver the finishing blow.

"Wait, don't!" begged Connie.

"And why not?" asked Meg.

"Because... I'm pregnant!" anounced Connie.

"WHAT???" asked Meg in confusion before getting knocked down by Connie's sand mallet fists.

"Haha! Psyke!" laughed Connie, "Like I'm gonna add another one..."

She then grabs Meg's arms and uses them to tie up her family.

"They beat us!" said Meg angrily, "This can't be happening!"

"Don't worry!" said Maddie, "I'm sure Cody will save-"

Corvetted and Neil both hit Cody with a combined laser which causes him to splatter into a puddle that drains into the sewer.

"Nevermind. We're screwed," said Maddie in defeat.

The villain team then regroups. Connie looks at their catch but notices that Cody is missing.

"Where is that DAMN fourth Mighty Murdock?" asked Connie in frustration.

**(AN: Shadow the Hedgehog FTL.)**

"Oh, you don't have to worry about him," said Corvette, "Let's just say I put his superhero career down the DRAIN! HAHAHAHA!"

"BOOOO!" shouted Lobster as he gave a claws down.

"Oh screw you," said Corvette, "My friends on Facebook liked it."

"Yeah, well, your friends on Facebook are all bots!" said Lobster.

"Tell me who all YOUR Facebook friends are," said Corvette.

Lobster raises up his claw to retort, but stops, thinks for a second and then hangs his head in shame.

"I thought so," said Corvette.

"Ha! We won!" said Connie triumphantly.

"Or as Stewie would say, VICTORY IS OURS!" shouted Eliza.

"Wow, so this is how it feels like to actually win," said Neil, "I like it!"

"Me too!" said Lobster, "It feels great!"

"You know what?" asked Connie, "Why should we stop at just defeating the Mighty MurDORKS? We could take over this whole city if we wanted to."

"Hell, I bet we could rule the bloody WORLD!" said Eliza.

"Oh, let's!" said Lobster in excitement.

"Then it's settled," said Connie, "After we dispose of these losers, we'll take over the world!"

"World domination?" asked Meg, "That's a bit cliche, isn' it?"

"Not nearly as cliche as the bad guy killing his own minions," said Maddie.

**Cutaway**

Somewhere in a secret and obviously evil lair, an evil James Bond type villain, who we'll call Dr. Bad McEvil in this cutaway, is shouting out orders.

"Agents! I need you for a task!" he barked, but no one came except his geeky lab assistant, "Agents? Assistant, where are my agents!"

"Sir, I believe you killed them all," said his assistant.

"All of them?" asked Dr. Bad McEvil, "Why the hell would I do that?"

"They all failed you in some way, sir," said the asistant, "Agent 1 didn't stop the hero, Agent 2 was beaten by the hero, Agent 3 didn't get the secret files from the good guy headquarters, Agent 4 didn't kill the hero's love interest, Agent 5 wrote bad things about you in the men's room, Agent 6 wanted a promotion, Agent 7 came out of the closet, Agent 8 was wearing white after Labor Day, Agent 9 was hitting on your sister, and Agent 10 tried to call in sick."

"Yeah, I remember Agent 10," said Dr. Bad McEvil, "When I killed him, I ended up getting sick so I dug him up, brought him back to life, and killed him again. Do I have ANYONE left?"

"You've still got me," said the lab assistant.

"Not good enough!" said the doctor as he pulled out a raygun and killed his assistant, "Crap! I have no one left! I failed me!"

He then kills himself.

**End Cutaway**

Meanwhile at the Griffin home, the Griffins are anxiously awaiting the return of the Murdocks.

"They've been gone for over two hours now," said Lois, "I'm getting worried. What if something happened to them."

"I'm pretty sure they're alright, Lois," said Brian.

"Well, if not we could alway buy a pig with a pink hat, a mop, and pile of clay and we wouldn't miss them," joked Stewie, "HAHAHAHAHA! Seriously, I'm worried."

"Relax, I'm sure they're just fine," said Peter, "Before you know it, Zack, Maddie, Cody and Disappointment will be hitting that door very soon."

"I can't think like this," said Lois worriedly as she got up and walked into the kitchen, "I need a glass of water."

She turns on the faucet and pours herself a cup of water, but just as she puts her lips onto the glass, she notices that the water has eyes. She shrieks as she drops the glass on the floor and the puddle from the broken cup forms into Cody.

"That was close," said Cody, "I was almost about to learn both the ins AND out of the female respirotory system."

"Cody? What are you doing here?" asked Lois in surprise.

"I got my ass handed to me... Again!" said Cody, "This time it was by Corvette."

"Corvette?!?" asked Peter in horror.

"Yeah. Apparently, she, Lobster, Connie, and Eliza all gained superpowers from Lucifer," said Cody.

"Lucifer?!?!" asked Peter in horror.

"They defeated the others, kidnapped them and plan on ruling the world," said Cody.

"The World?!?!" asked Peter in horror.

"What are we gonna do?" asked Cody.

"Do?!?!" asked Peter.

"Okay, stop that," said Cody annoyed.

"That?!?!" asked Peter in horror.

"Oh my god! My baby and her baby are in trouble!" said Lois in horror, "We have to do something."

"I'm the only one with superpowers here, but I can't rescue them because I... well... I SUCK!" said Cody frustrated.

"I have an idea," said Brian, "I know this sounds crazy, but if I'll bet if we gave ourselves superpowers, we could fight them off and save the others."

"That is the most retarded idea I ever heard," said Peter.

"Hey, I got an idea!" said Peter in Brian(Although Brian is speaking in a bored tone) in unison, "I bet if we gave ourselves superpowers, we could fight them off and save the others."

"Wow, Peter. How do you think of these ideas on your own?" asked Brian dryly.

"They just come to me," said Peter.

"So exactly how are you gonna gain these powers?" asked Cody, "I don't think there's any toxic waste left in the tap."

"No, but I think I know somebody who has more," said Lois, "We're heading to Jillian's apartment. Tilly is going to help us."

"I love having a smart daughter," said Chris, "And an even smarter son!"

"Chris, CJ think one plus one equals moo," said Brian.

"I know!" said Chris with glee, "He's even smarter than me!"

"I guess there IS hope for him then," said Brian in surprise.

Later at Jillian's apartment, the family is patiently waiting in the living room for Tilly to be finished with her mutagen. She finally comes out of her room with a look of disappointment.

"Any luck?" asked Brian.

"None," said Tilly, "I tried mixing the toxic waste with every potent property I know. I can't get a stable mutagen."

"Well, keep trying," said Lois, "We have to save the others and fast!"

"Okay, let me think," said Tilly seriously, "The toxic waste soaked into the ground and got into the water supply. Maybe it absorbed properties of the soil. No, that's not it. Argh! What did the chemicals mix with?"

"I got it!" said CJ excitedly as he ran into the room with a jug of water, "It was the tap water!"

"Right..." said Tilly as she rolled her eyes, "As if ordinary tap water would somehow balance the properties of toxic waste and make it a stable..." she continued as CJ mixed the waste with the water and suddenly gained the power of flight, "...Mutagen? Okay, seriously. What the hell???"

"I remembered that Quahoq's tap water system has a chemical imbalance so I thought maybe a mixture between your toxic stuff and those chemicals created an entirely NEW compound," explained CJ.

"Whoa, whoa! Back up a minute!" said Tilly in shock, "You actually THOUGHT?"

"Monkey boy has a brain?!?" asked Cody dumbfounded.

"Wow, this is an even bigger shock than when Zack got the results to his paternity test," said Brian.

**Flashback**

Meg runs into the living room with a envelope.

"It's here, Zack!" said Meg, "The results to your paternity test!"

"Finally, I'll find out who my real father is!" said Zack with excitement, "And my real father is-"

As he read, the letter quickly desinigrates into flames along with an evil demonic laughter right before he could see the answer.

"Oh, it happened again," said Meg in disappointment, "And it's the 18th time, too."

"Maybe someday..." sighed Zack.

**End Flashback**

Later, the rest of the family is in the living room re-evuluating their new pwers. Peter had his shapeshifting abilities, Lois had her super strength, Brian had super speed, Stewie had his telekenesis, and Chris had fire powers. The Griffins, however, weren't the only ones with superpowers. CJ who was the first to touch the mutagen gained wind manipulation powers. Jillian was given ghostly abilities such as walking through walls and becoming invisible. And Tilly was given the ability to manipulate weather.

"Okay, now let's go and save the rest of our family," said Cody heroically.

"Okay, so where are they?" asked Brian.

"I, uh, don't have a clue," shrugged Cody.

"Well we have to do something," said Jillian.

"Yeah, it's not like our clue will fall right in front of us," said Peter.

As if right on cue, both James Woods and Diego Montoya crash through the ceiling of Jillian's apartment and land right in front of the family.

"James Woods and that gay Spaniard?" asked Peter.

"Those were the guys who were with the others," said Cody.

"Stay back!" warned James Woods, "I'm the Woodsman! I have an axe!"

He then slams the axe into Peter's head, which breaks apart in contact.

"This thing's made out of cheap plastic," said Peter.

"The hell?" asked Woods, "Damnit, Lucifer! First Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within and now this! You truly are the king of evil."

"They don't have powers!" said Lois, "Quick, Peter! Tranform into rope and tie them up!"

"Aww... but that would be male bondage and that's totally gay!" complained Peter.

"Just do it!" said Los.

Peter then does as told. Diego, however just gives off a confident smirk at the rest of the family.

"Why are you smiling?" asked Brian.

"Fool! You forgot that I have the power of sexy!" said Diego.

"That's not a power, right guys?" asked Cody before he saw that Lois was admiring his good looks.

"Oh my, he's so good looking..." drooled Lois.

"Yeah, I just want to let go his sexy body and transform into his bath water," sighed Peter before thinking, "Oh my God, I just had a gay thought! Boobies! I like boobies!"

"So exactly where is this sexy guy?" asked Jillian as she looked straight at Diego.

"El gasp!" gasped Diego, "My sexiness has no affect on her! She must be some type of super genius to be avoiding my sexiness!"

Jillian begins to motion her hands like puppets to amuse herself. Cody quickly puts a paper bag over Diego's handsome head to keep him from radiating his sexiness.

"Tell us where the others are!" demanded Chris.

"I'll never tell!" said Woods.

"Neither will I," said Diego, "Doing so will earn us the wrath of the devil himself. Who knows what horrible punishment I would face!"

"Tell us where they are," threatened Lois, "If you don't I'll... um, mess up your hair!"

"NO! PLEASE DON'T!" shrieked Diego, "That is a fate worse than death itself! I'll talk! The others are in the abandoned warehouse in East Quahog!"

"Then that's where we'll go!" said Peter as he transformed back into himself, "Tie them up with some real rope. We're going to rescue the others from Disneyland!"

"He said the abandoned warehouse," said Brian.

"No, I'm pretty sure he said Disneyland," said Peter.

"Peter, do you block everything else and pretend to hear what you want to hear?" asked Cody.

"Why Yes, Cody. I DO think parallelagram is a funny word," mused Peter.

Meanwhile at the abandoned warehouse, the Mighty Murdocks were tied up by Meg's rubber arms, dangling under a pice of rope, and being slowly lowered over a large pot of boiling lava. They all try to struggle to free themselve but it's of no use.

"Meg, Maddie, get free!" said Zack, "Save yourselves!"

"What do you think we've been trying to do for the last half hour?" asked Meg in frustation.

Zack could only scowl at them for the remark she had just made.

"What was that?" asked Zack, "Zack honey, please don't kill yourself? No, daddy, we won't leave you?"

"Cut us some slack!" said Maddie, "We're over a pot of hot boiling lava for cripes sake!"

Suddenly, Lois breaks through one of the walls of the warehouse and she along with the rest of the family step inside.

"God, I hope this is the right warehouse this time," said Lois.

"Yeah, the other ones we went to weren't exactly the abandoned variety," said Peter.

"I liked the steelmill warehouse," said Stewie.

"Gee, I wonder why?" asked Tilly and Brian in unison as they rolled their eyes.

"Mom? Dad? What are you guys doing here?" asked Meg.

"We're here to save you guys!" said Peter.

"Wait, you guys are gonna save us?" asked Zack, "YOU?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OH GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!"

"Hang on!" said Chris as he used his flames to burn up the ropes.

As the rope snaps and the Murdocks fall, Peter transforms into a trampoline right above the lava, bouncing them to safety where Lois unties them.

"Awesome! You guys didn't screw up!" said Maddie.

"Well, there IS a first time for everything," mused Zack, "Get it? It's funny because I am implying the truth that you two are a couple of idiotic screw ups who can't do anything right except fart and say poo," he continued as he earned nothing but silent stares, "Psh, whatever! You'd think it was hilarious if _Stewie_ said it."

"You all gained superpowers?" asked Maddie.

"Yup," said Brian as he ran off and returned with clog dancing shoes, "I have super speed."

"I can shape shift!" said Peter turning into a talking hamburger.

"I have telekenesis," said Stewie as he he lifted a nearby crate with his mind and tried to kill Lois with it.

Lois however punches it to pieces with superstrength.

"I have super strength," said Lois.

"Blast!" said Stewie angrily.

"I can control wind!" said CJ as he blew a hole through the wall with his breath.

"I can become a ghost," said Jillian invisible, "Now I look like my brain!"

"I can control the weather!" said Tilly as she created a hailstorm indoors.

The Murdocks looked on at Cody and smiled with anticipation...

"No, I still have water powers," said Cody.

Their smile quickly turned into frowns.

"We have to stop those villains!" said Meg, "They went to city hall and if we don't stop them, they'll force Mayor West to hand them the city!"

"Oh my God!" said Peter, "You're fat!"

Zack then slaps Peter in the back of his head, but with an electric shock added to it which revealed a quick X-ray of his skull.

"What the hell?" asked Zack in confusion, "I thiink I saw a _For Rent_ sign in there."

"Well that explains a lot," said Brian dryly.

"We're wasting time, here!" said Tilly rather annoyed by everyone's tomfoolery, "If we're gonna save Quahog, we have to be serious!"

"Hey Chris. Put your hand behind my bum," said Peter as Chris lighted his fart.

"Then again Langley Falls sounds like a good place to live," said Tilly.

"Tilly's right," said Jillian, "We have to get mean and cereal here, people! No more goofing around!"

"I agree," said Lois, "If we want to save this town and the world, we have to all work together as a unit."

"Oh, c'mon!" whined Peter, "Can't I have fun with my new powers?"

"Peter, don't you remember the last time you tried having 'fun' with superpowers?" asked Lois, "It caused you to lose the one thing you loved most."

**Flashback**

A long time ago when the Griffins got their superpowers the first time, Chris has his hand behind Peter's rear.

"3...2...1... Ignition!" shouted Peter as he let out a fiery fart. Lois then walks into the room holding a T-shirt in her hand.

"Peter, I washed your- AAAAAHHHH!!!" screamed Lois as she and the shirt were burned.

"Oh my god!" shouted Peter as he ran up to Lois, "My George Lucas autographed Star Wars T-Shirt... WHY, JESUS, WHY???"

**End Flashback**

"My God, you're right," said Peter with sadness in his voice, "Well this time I am going to make a difference! We are going to to go to City Hall and save the mayor! Mighty Murdocks and SuperGriffins away!"

Peter then transforms into a helicopter and flies off to the east.

"...City Hall is that way," said Lois nonchalantly as she pointed west.

"Shut up! I knew that," said Peter irritated as he returned.

Meanwhile at City Hall, there is

"And because you singlehandedly defeated our law enforcement unit, I hereby give control of the key to the city," said Adam West as he handed them a giant key, "It's funny because it's bigger than a normal sized key- SAVE US MIGHTY MURDOCKS!!!"

"The Mighty Murdocks can't save you now, nor ever again!" announced Connie triumphantly, "They have been defeated... FOREVER!"

"I wouldn't bet on it, D'aSTINKo!" taunted Zack as he and the rest of the Mighty Murdocks stood triumphantly in front of the villains, much to the crowd's pleasure.

"Blimey! They're still alive!" said Eliza angrily.

"Big deal," said Lobster, "We beat them before and we can beat them again."

"Yeah, but can you beat ALL of us?" asked Meg as the SuperGriffins plus Tilly, CJ, and Jillian appeared behind them.

"Not a problem," said Corvette as she cracked her metallic knuckles, "I've been waiting for this day, you Peter stealing hussy."

"Bring it on, robotrash!" said Lois.

"Alright, here's the plan," said Peter, "Chris and Lois, you take on Corvette. Maddie, you, CJ and Tilly will take on Frostbite."

"What about me?" asked Cody.

"...Meg, you and Jillian will take on Sandstorm," said Peter ignoring Cody, "Zack and I will take down Lobster boy."

"Oh, by the way," said Lobster, "I want you to meet our newest member, Red Rooster."

The Giant chicken then appears in a cotume that looks like a red version of the Green Latern's with a red power ring on his right wing.

"Change of plans," said Peter angrily, "The rooster's mine!"

"Guess that means you're with me, Cody," said Zack, "You ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be, I guess," said Cody unsure of himself.

"SUPERGRIFFINS AND MIGHTY MURDOCKS UNITE!" shouted Peter.

"Hey, what happened to LEEROOOOOY JEN-" shouted Maddie before she was interrupted.

"No, just... no," said Peter.

The two groups then clash with each other in a huge fight. Every man, woman, child, teen, lobster, and poultry was going at it. This course of action gained the attention of Tricia Takanawa the Quahog 5 Action news team.

"Diane, I am here live at City Hall where two groups of superhumans are fighting for the fate of our city," said Tricia.

Everyone then stopped fighting after noticing the news team.

"Wait, you mean we're on TV?" asked Peter as he jumped behind Tricia, "Hi mom!"

"They will stop at nothing for their cause," said Tricia.

"Hey mom, hey Jack!" said Zack.

"Oh my, I can't believe we're on TV," said Lois excitedly, "Hi daddy! Hi mom!"

"Hey, Raven!" shouted Meg.

"And the villians will stop at nothing until Quahog is theirs," continued Tricia.

"Oh, can I do a shout out to my peeps back in the ocean?" asked Lobster, "Does the ocean even get this channel?"

"This is Tricia Takanawa reporting live. Back to you, Diane," said Tricia as she finished, "And cut! That's a rap."

As soon as she leaves, they start fighting again. Zack grabs Neil from behind and Peter morphs into Neil and begins to punch him repeatedly.

"Why are you hitting yourself, Neil?" taunted Zack, "Stop hitting yourself, Neil!"

Lobster and The Chicken both clothesline Peter and Zack off Neil and gang up on them. Maddie sets the chicken on fire while Stewie slams Lobster into a wall with his telekenesis. Eliza then feezes Maddie and Stewie, but is blown away by CJ's whirlwind attack and pulled into a wall by Jillian. Neil attacks CJ with his heat vision but is sucker punched from behind by Lois. Lois is then attacked by Corvette and they get into a fist fight. Brian runs in and grabs Corvette by the arm and begins to run around in a circle spinning her around in the process.

"What the heck is he doing?" asked Stewie.

"He's spinning her round!" exclaimed Lobster.

"Right round?" asked Neil.

"Like a record baby!" shouted Lois.

"Right round round round!" shouted Peter.

"Right round what?" asked Maddie.

"It's an 80's thing," said Meg, "You wouldn't understand."

Anyway, Brian then stops spinning and sends Corvette crashing into a wall. Tilly creates a hurricane to amplify Chris and Maddie's power to burn the other bad guys.

"Enough of this," said Connie annoyed as she created a sandstorm knocking everybody out. She then grabs Meg and slowly begins to suck her into her sandy body, "Now I'll get rid of you for good, you insignificant little nobody!"

"Meg! No!" shouted Zack as she tried to get up.

"Let her go, you anorexic sandtrap!" said Cody angrily as he rushed in to save Meg.

However, Connie effortlessly knocks Cody into the nearby city fountain and continues to suffocate Meg.

"Struggle all you want," said Connie, "You're just wasting prescious air!"

"CONNIE!!!!" shouted Cody angrily as he emerged from the fountain as a gigantic water creature.

"Holy Shi-" shouted Connie before being met by a watery fist that shattered her sandy body apart, freeing Meg in the process.

"Meg, are you okay?" asked Lois worriedly as she and the others came to her aid.

"I think so," said Meg in between breaths as she was gasping for air.

Connie begins to reform and attempts to escape, but is quickly grabbed by Cody who proceeds to pummel her.

"You thought I weak!" he said as he punched her, "You thought my powers sucked!" he punched her again, "Well who's laughing now???" he punched her again, "Kiss my ass, Perfect Chaos!"

"Okay, what the hell's up with Cody?" asked Meg.

"Apparently we underestimated his powers," said Tilly, "His powers only sucked because his body doesn't contain enough water. Contact with a larger mass of water increases his powers dramatically."

"Well I'll be damned," said Peter dumbfounded.

"So, should we stop him?" asked Meg.

"Are you kidding?" asked Zack, "This is gold right here!"

"Zack, I've been thinking," said Meg, "This whole superpower thing has gone way out of hand."

"I know what you mean," said Zack, "We already owe over 3 thousand dollars in collateral damage."

"Don't you mean 1 thousand?" asked Meg.

"I sorta destroyed a Gamestop yesterday," said Zack before getting a glare from everyone else, "What? Those assholes lost my pre-order!"

"I could whip up a cure," said Maddie.

"I have a better idea," said Zack as he walked away.

Meanwhile, Lucifer is talking to Tricia Takanawa trying to seduce her.

"Seriously, I can give you anything you want, baby," said Lucifer before Zack tapped his shoulder, "Hang on a sec. What?"

"We beat up your crew," said Zack pointing to the incapacitated villains.

"Yeah, so?" asked Lucifer.

"So they we powered by your devil magic," said Meg, "And we beat them."

"And now you must take us to your pot of gold," said Peter.

"Those are leprechauns," said Brian.

"Grant us three wishes?" asked Peter.

"Those are genies," said Brian.

"Make shoes?" asked Peter.

"Elves," said Brian.

"Give us eggs?" asked Peter.

"Easter bunny," said Brian.

"Give us presents?" asked Peter.

"Santa," said Brian.

"Rape our childhood?" asked Peter.

"That's Hollywood," said Brian.

"ZING!" said Stewie.

"We just proved that we're stronger than your magic," said Meg, "And as such, we'd like a request."

"And that is?" asked Lucifer.

"We want you to change us all back to normal," said Zack, "Even the bad guys and erase their memories, too. And no doublecrossing!"

"Of course. Of course," said Lucifer reluctantly, "Now tell me, are you sure you want to get rid of all your powers?"

Zack and the others turn to see that Peter transformed himself into an ass.

"Hey, look at me!" chuckled Peter, "I'm Orlando Bloom's ass!"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure," said Zack quickly.

A few days after the superhero incident, the Family is back to their normal routine of watching TV.

"Well, that was fun while it lasted," said Zack.

"I'm glad things are back to normal," said Meg, "And that Tilly will no longer dump toxic waste in the backyard."

"And that she took back my gene splicer..." muttered Maddie.

"I think we all learned a very valuable lesson here," said Peter.

"And that lesson it?" asked Brian.

"I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it had something to do with sticky buns and beans," said Peter.

"Let's all just watch some TV and put this event behind us," said Lois as she turned on the TV.

"I've got one last question," asked Chris, "What did you guys do with your superhero costumes?"

At that moment, Stewie walks downstairs wearing Maddie's Sunburn costume. She just looks on in shock as does Stewie.

"Umm... I can explain," said Stewie, "By the way, you're out of lipstick and eye liner. You should buy some more. I feel like strawberry red this time."

"GODDAMMIT, STEWIE! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!" she shouted as she chased her elder cousin around the house.

**End Chapter**


	36. Announcement

**Announcement**

It's been a good year and a half since I started(And almost a year since I started this story) so I've decided to give you fans a special treat. For one chapter only, I will be doing a fanmail chapter.

You can ask any character from this story any question you like. It can be the official characters like Peter, Meg, and Stewie or the originals like Zack, Maddie, and Valarie.

You can either submit your questions via PM or Review. I may not be able to answer all of them, but I'll try to answer most of them so don't forget to send questions. But remember one thing, hate mail will NOT be answered(ie, "Why does Meg sux?") so don't bother sending those. Now get to asking and sending!

_~ Malcolm Fox_


	37. Reader Fanmail Chapter!

**Reader Fan Mail**

Just as I promised the family is going to answer your questions. Here we are at the Griffin residence where everyone is going through the bags of fan mail.

"Wow, just look at all this," said Lois, "Do you think we can answer all of these?"

"Who cares?" asked Peter, "Obviously these people have no lives if they expect fictional characters to answer-"

"Dad! The chapter's starting," said Meg.

"Oh hi!" said Peter in surprise, "Welcome to the fanmail chapter of the story. Ignore the part where I said you had no lives and that you all smell like cheese."

"There goes our fanbase..." said Zack in frustration.

"Well then, if any of you are still reading, let's get started," said Stewie as he grabbed a letter.

"Here's one," said Zack, "dear malcolm fox, u suxxorz hrd. stewie is nmbr une and all chapturs shuld b abowt him cuz everybodies else sux especially- WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS?!?!"

"Funny, I specifically spelled suxxors without a z," said Stewie as he grabbed a letter, "Ooh, here we have a letter from Depthmon."

-----

**Depthmon asks:**

_**Dear Zack,**_

_**Here is one thing i have always wondered why you are obsessed with your long**_

_**hair? I mean i like my hear long but.......but obssed? anyways hi**_

_**From Depthmon\**_

"Whatever, I'm not obsessed with my long hair," scoffed Zack.

"I think I see some lint in your hair," said Lois as she tried to reach in.

"DON'T TOUCH IT!" screamed Zack, "YOU'LL PULL OFF A HAIR!!!"

"You ARE obsessed!" said Meg, "Why?"

"I'm scared I might grow bald one day! Are you happy, now?" asked Zack.

"This one is from BeyondTheMirror," said Peter.

_**BeyondTheMirror Asks:**_

_**To Lucifer: **_

_**#1. When are you ever going to admit that you're Zach's Father? (Will it be**_

_**the third E-Book in the series such as Meg's College Years or Maddie's Future,**_

_**etc?)**_

_**#2. How come Maddie, Zach, or Cody hasn't been able to demonstrate their**_

_**hypothetical Demonic powers?**_

"Weird, the first question is for Lucifer." said Peter.

Lucifer then appears in the house in a burst of flames and grabs the letter from Peter.

"Is there even a direct connection between me, Zack, Cody, and Maddie?" asked Lucifer as he chuckled lightly to himself, "Only I know for sure... and you'll find out soon enough..."

He then disappears in a burst of flames.

"That was weird," said Peter.

_**To Valerie:**_

_**#1. Why in Hell's name did you sleep with Lucifer, or are you really Zach's**_

_**Mum?**_

"First of all, yes, I'm really Zack's mother," said Valarie, "And no, I did not sleep with Lucifer. At least I don't think I did. I don't know, man. Meth is one hell of a drug..."

_T__**o Maddie:**_

_**#1. When did you think Susie Swanson or the Smiths of American Dad are going**_

_**to become permanent characters in the Meg's Family Universe?**_

_**#2. What do you think of your supernatural Counterparts Rosie and Jaina?**_

"Susie Swanson?" asked Maddie, "I don't know. Mr. Fox said he's going to see what the show does with her first before bringing her here. As for the Smiths, I have been hearing rumors that Hayley knows my grandma. About Rosie and Jaina, they're actually pretty cool. Someday, I hope all three of us can hang out together."

"Despite the fact that you're pretty dull and regular compared to them?" asked Stewie.

"Despite the fact that they wouldn't even be here if I wasn't born?" asked Maddie.

"Touche," said Stewie.

_**To Stewie and Olivia: **_

_**#1. When are you guys ever going to come out of the closet?**_

"I don't know about Oscar Wilde over here, but I'm coming out right now!" said Olivia as she walked up to Maddie, "Maddie, I'm going to come clean with you. I'm in love with you."

"...What?" asked Maddie in confusion.

"I love you!" said Olivia, "I find you very attractive and I dream about you every night. I dream of my lips touching yours in a passionate embrace. I dream of us growing up, getting married, and adopting children because one of us lack the male reproductive organs. I love you and I want us to be together."

The two look at each other eye to eye. They then burst out laughing.

"HAHAHA! That was a good one!" laughed Olivia.

"Yeah, you almost had me there for a second!" laughed Maddie, "You? Gay? That's a good one."

"Yeah... A good one," said Olivia as tears flowed from her eyes, "Maybe someday..." she muttered to herself

_**To Meg: **_

_**# do you feel about the Age of Meg, and the fact that your beloved by**_

_**hundreds of Fan People?**_

"I can desribe it with one word," said Meg, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

_**#2: How do you feel about your Homicidal Counterpart in Fox's other fic? Will**_

_**their ever be a Sequel where she Murders Lois or Meets Zach Murdock?**_

"I actually think she's very scary," said Meg, "I actually couldn't image murdering my own father like that. Maim, but not murder."

"As for a sequel, probably not," said Zack.

_**To Brian:**_

_**#1. How does it feel that your nothing more then a Carbon Copy**_

_**of Seth Macfarlene in the FG Multiverse?...(Don't worry, I still think you're**_

_**cool.)**_

"If it's wrong to be like Seth, then I don't want to be right!" said Brian proudly.

"Hey, we have a letter from Loessar," said Peter, "Nyehehehehe, Loessar almost sounds like loser."

"Just read it," said Brian.

_**Loessar writes:**_

_**this is for Meg: Meg, Have you ever thought of losing the cap and growing**_

_**your hair long? I just think that you would look more beautiful and it would**_

_**stop people from mistaken you for a boy because I am so sick of that.**_

"I'm sick of it, too," said Meg, "I'd grow my hair out, but that would take forever. Besides, Zack thinks I'm beautiful and that's all that matters, right Zack?"

"Absolutely," said Zack as he and Meg kissed.

"Oh, GAG!" said Peter in disgust, "Get a room, you two!"

"Okay, we have a letter from Erika," said Lois.

_**Erika writes:**_

_**Question for zack: Do you think you'll ever discover who your dad is?**_

"I swear that I will look high and low," said Zack, "As long as I keep persistant, I WILL find out who my real father is."

Meanwhile in hell, Lucifer cups his hand on his chin plotting...

_**Question for meg: How do you think your life would have turned out without**_

_**ever meeting zack?**_

"Just watch a current episode of Family Guy and find out," said Meg.

Everyone in the room then laughs at Meg's witty little retort.

"...I was serious," said Meg

_**question for lois: What do you see in peter?**_

"I love him," said Lois, "Nothing could ever change that. I mean, he's sweet..." Peter farts, "Caring..." Peter sneezes and wipes his hand on Chris' shirt, "Thoughtful..."

"Hey, Lois," said Peter, "I signed up for that Nigerian internet thingy. It might be a scam, though, so I'm using your credit cards just to play it safe."

"And he's also very funny," continued Lois.

"Hey Lois," said Peter, "...Asscrack."

"Hahaha, Peter, stop," chuckled Lois, "We're doing fanmail."

"You said 'doing fanmail'," cuckled Peter

"Well one out of four ain't bad," said Zack

_-----_

_**question for peter: Why do you think your daughter sucks?**_

"Because she does! Duh!" said Peter, "I mean, everything about her is boring and depressing! Not to mention she's very selfish."

**Flashback**

An eight year old Meg walks up to Peter who was having a beer and watching TV.

"Daddy, will you help me with my homework?" asked Meg.

"What is with you?" asked Peter irritated, "You always have to make everything about YOU! Daddy will you help ME with my homework? Daddy, will you read ME a bedtime story? Daddy, will you get ME a band-aid? I think I cut MY leg! You're so selfish!"

"But i need this to get this A to pass the 2nd grade!" said Meg.

"There you go again!" said Peter, "I need this! Me! Me! Me! Whatever, I'm going to the clam."

**End Flashback**

_**Question for brian: How come you are still an atheist even though you once**_

_**met jesus?**_

"You want me to be honest?" asked Brian, "Because I firmly believe that Christianity, no, religion in general is all a big scam. People are putting all of their faith in a nonexistant figure and I don't want to be part of it."

Suddenly, lightning stikes on the empty chair next to Brian's.

"Now what do you have to say about him now?" asked Maddie.

"That was nothing," said Brian, "Because it MISSED."

Maddie quickly pushes Brian off his chair as lightning destroys said chair.

"Okay, shutting up now," said Brian.

"Our next letter comes from a reader named Saya Utada," said Meg.

_**Saya Utada writes:**_

_**Meg: You rock! Would you ever want to have more kids? (Yes I remeber the**_

_**first two chapters)**_

"Zack and I are still trying," said Meg, "So far, we haven't really had any luck. I wonder Why?"

**Flashback**

Meg is at the family dinner eating. She gets up for a moment to get some salt. Maddie opens a jar of birth control pills and pours them ALL into her food.

**End Flashback**

"I dunno," shrugged Maddie.

_**Maddie: You also rock! In the fanfic 'The SpellBook', your alternate self**_

_**Rosie wanted a sister after meeting you. Did you want one after meeting**_

_**Rosie?**_

"Absolutely!" lied Maddie.

_**Peter: Why are you so mean to Meg? She's not ugly!**_

"Oh, c'mon! It's funny!" said Peter, "What kind of person wouldn't laugh at the endless tourment of an emotionally fragile teenage girl?"

"Human beings," said Zack, "But they don't exist anymore. Some weird by products resembling them do."

"Ooh, we have a letter from someone named Insane," said Stewie, "I like that name. It sounds so... insane!"

_**Insane writes:**_

_**Dear Stewie .**_

_**I am one of your biggest fans. You are like the coolest guys ever. But you**_

_**know I have been wondering. Are you gay or bi? That has been driving me crazy**_

_**and I am already insane. Anyway no matter what you will be the coolest so get**_

_**back to me on that.**_

"Why that is a very good question," said Stewie, "I'm still growing up so I don't know what I am just yet."

"He's gay," said Brian.

"I am not!" shouted Stewie angrily.

"Then I'm sure you won't mind if I bend over to pick up that pencil," said Brian as he bent down.

"No! I must look away!" shouted Stewie as he tried to look away, "...I didn't know you had a third eye. And it's brown, too."

"AND he's a furry," said Brian.

"DAMN!" shouted Stewie.

"Well, if it isn't one of my big fans, Haylias," said Brian as he picked up a letter, "Let's see what he wrote."

_------_

_**Haylias writes:**_

_**Question for Lois, why is your daughter so popular?**_

"...HAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughs Lois, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

"Lois just answer the question," said Meg annoyed.

"I can't halp it!" said Lois in between laughs, "The question is just so absurd! It- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Meg! Popular! HAHAHAHA!! Oh, that's a good one, Haylias!"

"I think he means on the fanfiction site," said Zack.

"...Oh my God, he was SERIOUS?" asked Lois in shock.

"Okay, next Question," said Meg annoyed.

"Hey, a letter from Ander Arias," said Zack.

-----

**Ander Arias writes:**

_**You know, at first I was a bit disappointed after seeing this (I was**_

_**expecting a real chapter), but it's an interesting idea (maybe I'll plagiarize**_

_**it later xD ), so, let's go with it.**_

_**Questions for Jillian: **_

_**- Do you like to be a mom, or do you miss your former lifestyle?**_

"Being a mom is actually pretty fun," said Jillian, "I actually get to try out new experiences and it's great to have kids. Being single was very sad. I mean there was only..."

Jillian then begins counting her fingers.

"Don't strain yourself, mom," said Tilly.

"There was only this many of me!" said Jillian holding one finger, "It was really lonely. I'd never trade Willis and TJ for anything."

_**- What do you see in Chris? Do you think that he will be your definitive**_

_**boyfriend?**_

"I see someone who sees me as an equal instead of a hot body," said Jillian, "And that's why I love him."

"Wait, what did that question about?" asked Lois.

"Uh, it was about.... French People!" lied Jillian.

_**Questions for Valarie: **_

_**- Although you come from a wealthy family, what did move you to become a**_

_**hippie?**_

"Freedom," said Valarie, "I refused to be a puppet to society, so I became a free spirit. I firmly believe in freedom of expression."

"It's true," said Lois, "You should've seen the protest she did against the uniform dress code in 7th grade."

**Flashback**

Lois and Valarie, both fourteen years old, were both leading a protest in the hallway along with other middle schoolers with picket signs. Suddenly the principal shows up.

"What's going on here?" he asks, "Who's leading this protest?"

"I am!" said Valarie defiantly, "Your dress code destroys our right to freedom of self expression and individuality and instead promotes conformity and oppression."

"It does not!" said the principal, "Our school dress code policy is there for the safety and well being of the students to keep them from wearing offensive clothing that may attract unwanted attention."

"Well, that sounds good," said Lois, "If it's for a greater good..."

"I guess..." said Valarie.

"And these uniforms will only cost you 40 dollars each," said the principal.

"Wait, we have to PAY for them?" asked Lois.

"Yeah," said the principal, "Conformity ain't cheap. And remember, these uniforms are MANDATORY. So what do you say to that?"

"...Boo this man!" shouted Valarie pointing, "BOOOOOO!!!"

Everyone else boos and throws eggs at him.

**End Flashback**

"So yeah, I did it for freedom of expression," said Valarie, "And pot. Pot is my crack."

_**- Quagmire seems to be pretty interested in you. Will you give him a chance?**_

"Yeah.... no," said Valarie.

_**Questions for Stewie: **_

_**- It seems that Maddie has replaced Brian in the role of your partner/best**_

_**friend. Do you like this, or you preferred Brian as your partner/best friend?**_

"Well, I suppose I have been with Maddie an awful lot lately," said Stewie, "But Brian and I will try to hang out in the near future."

"Actually, I don't really mind," said Brian, "It's given me more time to write my novel."

"Yup... All One half of a page," said Stewie.

"Oh stuff it, furvert!" said Brian.

_**- In this fanfic, your screentime and development is greatly reduced for the**_

_**sake of the other characters, specially Meg. How do you feel about that?**_

"I feel it's an outrage!" shouted Stewie, "How dare the author put me away from the spotlight for the sake of the family dog!"

"Oh yes, how dare he," said Maddie, "How dare he not dedicate an entire fanfic in your honor even though a majority of the stories on this section are about you. How dare he utilize an underdeveloped character instead of the overdeveloped one for the sake of creativity. How dare he not conform to the masses and follow you off a cliff because he wanted to write a story about a character who he feels get shafted instead of the one who has the whole damn show handed to him on a silver platter. How dare he. Damn him to hell."

"..." Stewie could only look on at Maddie in silence, "...Yes. Damn him to hell."

_**Questions for Meg:**_

_**- How do you feel being all the things you are not in the current show?**_

_**(having people who loves you, being the main character of a story, having so**_

_**many fans and fandom...)**_

"I think I can only express how it feels like this," said Meg, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" she laughs loudly as she happily does cartwheels around the room.

"Wow, I haven't seen Meg this happy since..." said Lois before thinking, "Wait, when was the last time Meg was this happy?"

"How the hell should I know?" asked Peter, "Was she smiling when she was born."

"Yeah, I think that was it..." said Lois.

_**- Which are the traits of Zack you like most/less?**_

"Zack is a really great guy," said Meg, "I can't pick a trait that I like most. But I CAN pick a trait that I like least; He can get way too overprotective at times."

"Of course I do!" said Zack, "Just look at who you live with!"

"I can take care of myself!" said Meg irritated, "I don't need you fighting all of my battles for me!"

"Sure you do," said Peter, "You obviously lack the self confidence to do it yourself. I mean you're ugly as sin, you're always wearing that stupid condom hat, everyone hates you, you're big as a house, and you're appearance alone has caused more casualties than 9/11."

Meg then starts sobbing very loudly as Zack smacks him in the back of his head.

"What did I just tell you?" asked Meg annoyed, still sobbing.

Geez, sorry!" said Zak as he rolled his eyes.

_**Questions for Zack:**_

_**- After meeting Meg, your life changed drastically. What do you think of**_

_**these changes?**_

"It was the best thing to ever happen to me!" said Zack, "I used to be a loser who worked at his dad's convinient store. Now I'm a loser who lives with his wife's parents and is raising a kid."

_**- Which are the traits of Meg you like most/less?**_

"I love everything about Meg," said Zack, "...Except when she gets mean."

"What are you talking about?" asked Meg, "I'm never mean."

"What about the toddler pagent?" asked Maddie.

"Or when you gained muscles?" asked Zack, "You almost killed Me, Peter, your mother, and Brian at one point."

"...No comment," said Meg.

_**- What do you think of the Griffins?**_

"They're good people," said Zack, "We've all had our ups and downs and butted heads a few times, but they're my new family and I care about them. And yes, that includes Peter. Like I once said, he is like the father I never had."

"Wow, really?" asked Peter, "That means a lot to me. You know what that means to me?"

"What?" asked Peter.

"You're married to your sister!" teased Peter, "Incest! Incest! Nananana, incest! That makes Maddie an incest child!"

"Obviously I DO care about him," groaned Zack as he placed a finger and thumb between his eyes, "I'm not in death row, yet."

_**Questions for Chris:**_

_- Did you ever dream to become the boyfriend of such a hot bombshell like_

_Jillian?_

"Yes, her name was Mrs. Lockheart and I'm pretty sure we know how that turned out," said Chris.

"Wait, did he just say boyfriend?" asked Lois.

"Next question, please," said Chris quickly.

_**- Will we see more of your artist facet in the future? Maybe you could teach**_

_**your kids to draw.**_

"Yeah!" said Chris with delight, "I'm gonna teach them how to draw so they'll be artists just like me!"

"Actually, dad, I want to be a scientist when I grow up," said Tilly.

"And I want to be a chef!" said CJ.

"Hahaha! You kids are so dumb," laughed Chris, "You both said artist wrong."

"But I said I wanted to be a chef-" said CJ.

"ARTISTS!!!" shouted Chris angrily.

"Okay, we both want to be artists!" said Tilly.

_**Questions for Lois:**_

_**- Do you think you're a bad mom for letting two of your kids to become**_

_**parents at a really early age?**_

"Sometimes, but I try to surpress the rage inside," said Lois.

Meanwhile inside her head, three other tumors formed on her brain.

"I'm hungry," said a tumor who sounded like CJ.

"So? Just eat away at the part of the brain that uses common sense," said a tumor who sounded like Maddie.

"Yeah, nobody really uses that anymore," said a tumor that sounded like Tilly.

"I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor," sang the Peter tumor, "Oh, oh, I'm still a tumor."

_**- What do you think of your grandkids?**_

"I love them all very much," said Lois, "They are all very unique and special in their own way. Maddie is talented and loves expressing herself. Tilly is extremely smart for her age, which is a miracle considering her parents. And CJ..." said Lois as she trailed off.

"What about me, grandma?" asked CJ sadly, "You didn't finish the sentence. Does this mean I'm not special?"

"No, you're very special!" reassured Lois, "I like the way you... You know how to... Well, you can... You're a special boy, CJ."

"Did you hear that?" asked CJ, "I'm a special boy!"

"Yeah, in more ways than you can imagine," muttered Stewie.

_**Question for Maddie (made by Rosie)**_

_**- Will we meet again? I miss you a lot**_

"I miss you too, Rosie," said Maddie, "We will meet again, along with Jaina. You'll see."

_**Question for Brian**_

_**- Malcolm Fox has reduced a lot your prominence, has lampooned your political**_

_**views several times, and in one of the latest chapeters he revealed to be**_

_**black. Knowing all of this, do you hate him?**_

"Of course not," said Brian, "He's the author of this fic and by WOOFWOOFWOOFWOOOFWOOF!!!" he runs accross the room and bites me in the leg.

"OWWW!!! MY f(Bleep)KING LEG!!! GET GO!!!" I shouted as the family pries Brian off.

"Oh god! I am so so sorry, Mr. Fox!" pleaded Brian, "I don't know what came over me!"

"Okay... moving on," said Lois.

_(That's all)_

"I can answer this question," said Peter, "That is a terrible imitation of Porky Pig. It should be that's all, folks."

"Hey, we have a letter from Blue-Hat Jack," said Chris, "Hahahaha! I like blue hats, because they're blue and they're hats!"

"Me too!" said Jillian.

**From Blue-Hat Jack:**

_**Hmm, well I only have a few questions.**_

_**The first one's for Zack.**_

_**Zack, what did you feel when you first saw Meg?**_

"Believe it or not, constipation," said Zack.

"WHAT?!?!" asked Meg angrily.

"Hey, I ate a lot of expired Doritos before you get there," said Zack, "They were free. Cut me some slack."

_**The next one is for Tilly.**_

_**Tilly, what's like having to be surrounded by total idiots?**_

"Honestly?" asked Tilly, "It's rather annoying. A person of my calibur should not have to be subjected to such idiotic surroundings. I'm afraid it might affect me in future endeavors where I could end up being a stripper, or worse... a moderator of Gamefaqs!"

**Cutaway**

Inside a dimly lit room we see a 20 something year old Tilly who looks pretty nerdy and pimply sitting in front of a computer.

"Let's see, another fanboy flame war," said Tilly reasing the forum post on her computer, "_'Ur system sux. Go die'_... _'No, u suk, u homo fag'_... _'This argument is pointless. It doesn't matter which system is better. They both have their good and bad points but it's the games that matter.'_ What the hell? An INTELLIGENT post on Gamefaqs? Not on my watch! BAN!!!"

**End Cutaway**

_And the last one is for..._

_Aww, crap, I forgot._

_Oh, wait, I just remembered._

_JACK!_

_Did you know that you are totally awesome, devilishly handsome, and kick-ass_

_at Halo?_

_(lolololololol. I'm asking a question to myself.)_

"Why yes I am," said Zack's cousin Jack as he stroked his hair.

"How'd you get here?" asked Zack.

_**Oh, I just remembered another question.**_

_**For you.**_

_**How do you feel for starting all the Meg/OC fic trend?**_

It feels kinda like sex. There's a simultaneous feeling of pleasure, frustration, and shame.

"Well, here's ane last question and it's for the author," said Peter, "This time from Bhaalspawn."

------

**Bhaalspawn writes:**

_**Okay, here's a qestion. You mentioned in chapter 34 that Maddie had met**_

_**Jaina. Are you ever planning to do that as a chapter?**_

I'll probably do a chapter like that down the line. Anyway, that wraps up this totally crappy fanmail chapter. Tune in next time for a REAL chapter of this story. Now go read something that's actually good.

**End Fanmail Special.**


	38. Meg's Cloning Blues

**Chapter 36: Meg's Cloning Blues**

It was a typical morning at the Griffin house. Maddie was in the kitchen eating a cup of Jell-O while Stewie was reading a book.

"I love Jell-O," said Maddie, "Jell-O is so good that I could eat it every day for the rest of my life."

"I used to love it too until I found out what Jell-O was made of," said Stewie.

"Really? What is it made of?" asked Maddie.

"Trust me, you really don't want to know," said Stewie, "It's the grossest, most disgusting thing ever."

"Tell me," said Maddie out of curiosity, "I really want to know."

"Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you," said Stewie, "Jell-O is made of, and I kid you not... are you ready for this? It's made of boiled cow bones and hooves. Isn't that just gross?"

"...Not really," said Maddie unfazed.

"What do you mean 'not really'?" asked Stewie, "You're eating strawberry flavored cow feet!"

"So?" asked Maddie, "Back in the days of slavery the slave masters would give the slaves all the leftover food such as pork feet and chitterlings and they would cook it. These days, it's called soul food."

"Wow, really?" asked Stewie.

"Yeah, Mr. Cleveland taught me that yesterday," said Maddie, "Also, it's Native American custom to use every part of the animal so this seems natural."

"Really? Wow..." said Stewie in astonishment as he looked at the ingredients on the back of the Jell-O pack, "Hmm... This has a stuff called red dye #40."

"Okay, that is just f(bleep)king disgusting," said Maddie as she pushed away her gelatin cup in disgust. At that moment, Lois walks into the kitchen carrying a stack of letters.

"Peter, you've just got a letter for jury duty," said Lois as Peter entered the kitchen.

"Jury duty?" asked Peter in disdain, "Aww man, that sucks! Why me? It's so repenisulous!"

"Peter, jury duty isn't- wait, repenisulous?" asked Lois in confusion.

"Yeah, I made it up," said Peter, "It's like ridiculous only with penis instead of dick. Hilarity ensues!"

"...Okay then," said Lois as Zack and Meg enter the room.

"What's the matter with dad?" asked Meg.

"He's just whining because he's being summoned for jury duty," said Lois.

"Christ, Peter. Jury duty isn't THAT bad," said Zack.

"Are you kidding? Jury duty is the most boring thing on earth!" asked Peter, "It's even more boring than an episode of that ABC sitcom _Cavemen_."

**Flashback**

Peter is watching an unplugged TV.

"This show sucks!" shouted Peter.

**End Flashback**

"Peter, the TV was unplugged," said Zack.

"Meh, same thing," said Peter, "Either way, I'm not going!"

"Dad, jury duty is a mandatory public service!" said Meg, "You could go to jail for not showing up!"

"Geez, you're right, Meg," said Peter, "I need to think of a way to get out of this and fast."

"To bad cloning's out of the question," joked Brian as he walked into the room with a newspaper, "You could just send your clone to jury duty."

"Brian, that's it!" said Peter, "I'll clone myself and send him to jury duty! Brian, do you know where the nearest cloning office is?"

"Sure thing, Peter," said Brian, "Drive down the road, take a left at Phoney Ave, then a right at Fake Lane, then another left at No Chance in Hell Drive, and you'll see it's around the corner of It's Not Real and You Idiot."

"Uh huh, got it!" said Peter as he had it all jotted down on a piece of paper, "Thanks Brian! Cloning office, here I come!"

He then runs out to the car and drives away.

"He's dumb as hell," said Zack.

"I know," said Lois.

A few hours later, Peter is sitting on the couch sulking as Brian walks into the room.

"You lied to me, you big fat liar!" accused Peter.

"Lied about... Oh, this isn't about the cloning office, is it?" asked Brian.

"You're damn right it is," said Peter, "There was no cloning office at all! It was a Beauty Salon! You made me walk into a Beauty Salon, Brian. People were probably thinking, 'Hey, look at that guy entering the Beauty Salon. He must go there to get his nails done.' Now people think I have tacky nails thanks to you!"

"Peter, human cloning is unethical," said Brian, "Besides that, it's not even perfected. Nobody has the know how to create the perfect human clone right now."

"Nobody... except Tilly!" suggested Peter, "I'm going over to Jillian's"

"The girl isn't even a year old!" said Brian.

"But the girl is a super genius!" said Peter, "She could invent anything she wants. Remember when she invented that machine that destroys 80s references?"

**Flashback**

Lois and Peter are sitting in the living room while Tilly is sitting on then floor next to a small satellite dish.

"Hey, Lois," said Peter, "Remember when I had that job fixing Doc Brown's car."

Suddenly a white flash happens to prevent a cutaway.

"Okay then..." said Peter thinking, "Remember when I was in that music video with Weird Al?"

Another flash happens.

"The time I was stuck in that Labyrinth with Jennifer Connelly," said Peter.

Another flash.

"Or when I was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?"

Flash!

"Or how about when-"

Flash!

"The time !-"

Flash!

"You didn't even let me fini-"

Flash!

"AAAAAAAAAARRRGH!!!" shouted Peter as he ran out the room.

"Does that thing really stop flashbacks?" asked Lois.

"Nope, it's just a light bulb attached to a dish," said Tilly, "Uncle Zack's right. Screwing with him IS fun."

**End Flashback**

A little later, Peter knocks on the door of Jillian's apartment.

"I'll get it oogy," said Jillian from inside.

The sounds of clicking could be heard as Jillian undoes the locks. She then opens the door wearing a robe with her hair a little messy.

"Oh.. uh, hi Peter," said Jillian uncomfortable, "What brings you here?"

"Say, Jillian, your daughter wouldn't happen to have a cloner by any chance, would she?" asked Peter.

"Actually she does," said Jillian, "Just let me get it for you."

"Hey Jillian," said Chris as he walked up to her while putting on a shirt, "You're all out of peanut butt- DAD!"

"Hey Chris," said Peter, "I see you came here to get Tilly's cloner for me. Good man."

"Yeah... yes I did," lied Chris, "Jillian, could you please bring my dad the cloner?"

"Yes, the... cloner," said Jillian shifty eyed, "The cloner that you came here for. I'll get that for him. The cloner. That is the reason you are here and nothing else."

She then walks off into the kids' room, leaving Chris and Peter alone.

"Okay, this isn't what it looks like," said Chris.

"What, you mean this is not just an innocent get together with an innocent friend who happens to be dumb as a board who could easily be tricked into sex with anybody including a 14 year old boy, but you choose not to because you're honest?" asked Peter.

"Uh, yeah, it IS what it looks like," said Chris.

"Haha! You suck!" laughed Peter, "You could be totally getting laid right now."

"Well here it is," said Jillian as she returned to the room with a cloner gun, "But Tilly said that it's been untested so there's a good chance that you could catch AIDS."

"Thanks, well see ya," said Peter as he was leaving, "Oh, and your fly's open, son."

Later back at the Griffin home, Peter is setting up the cloner ray to use on himself with Brian watching.

"Peter, this is insane," said Brian, "That thing hasn't been properly tested and you plan on using it on yourself?"

"No Brian. I plan on using this to clone food and end world hunger," said Peter sarcastically, "Of course I plan on using this on my self!"

"Is he still on about the clone thing?" asked Zack.

"Pretty much," said Brian.

"Peter, you don't need to clone yourself," said Zack, "You already have a clone."

Meanwhile in Langley Falls, Stan Smith is having breakfast with his family when he shivers a little.

"Something wrong, Stan?" asked Francine.

"I don't know," said Stan, "I felt as if someone made a cheap joke at my expense."

Back at Quahog...

"Besides, that cloner looks dangerous," said Zack, "You don't know how that thing works."

"Hey, you wanna help me?" asked Peter.

"No way," said Zack, "I don't wanna get involved in any more of your hair brain schemes. I somehow always end up either getting screwed or injured."

"No you don't," said Peter.

"Oh yeah? Before your little Sky Diving Bros. scam I couldn't do this," said Zack as he dislocated his left elbow to leave it dangling in a disgusting manner, "That and you made me Haas. You got to be Sven while I was Haas. Haas is a crappy name, just like Eggman."

**Cutaway**

At the DMV Dr. Robotnik is in line applying for his license.

"Here is your license Dr. Robotnik," said the employee.

"No, my name is Dr. Eggman, now," said Eggman.

"No, it says here that your name is Dr. Robotnik," said the employee.

"But I signed it as Dr. Eggman," said Eggman irritated, "It's my name."

"No it's not," said the employee.

"Look, it was because my mom got remarried and-"

"NO, YOU'RE NAME IS ROBOTNIK!!! DR. IVO RRRRROBOTNIK!" shouted the employee.

"...Were you a 90's kid?" asked Eggman.

"Stop raping my childhood," said the employee.

**(AN: I don't give a crap about the name. As far as I'm concerned it's Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik.)**

**End Cutaway**

"Anyway, because you're a sure shot, I need you to fire the gun at me," said Peter.

"No way," said Zack, "Nothing you can say will make me do it."

"What if I were to tell you that there's a 13 percent chance that it could kill me?" asked Peter.

"Alright, let's do it," said Zack as he grabbed the gun.

"You wouldn't really kill him, would you?" asked Brian.

"Of course not, He's my friend... ish," said Zack, "But if I do, we'll dump the body and you can have Lois."

"Alright a little less chit chat and a little more cloning, PLEASE?" asked Peter impatiently, "I have jury duty tomorrow, remember?"

Zack shrugs his shoulders and sets the gun up to create a perfect clone. He sets aim directly at Peter's forehand and is about to squeeze the trigger.

"SOUP'S ON!" shouted Lois as she suddenly entered the room with a large pot of soup.

Lois' distraction quickly causes Zack to lose concentration and miss Peter. The cloning laser then bounces all around the room.

"Everybody, hit the deck!" shouted Zack as everyone ducked.

"Hey, what's going on- AHHH!" shouted Meg as she was quickly knocked out by the laser.

"Holy crap! Meg!" shouted Zack with concerned as he ran to her aid.

And that was basically the last thing Meg saw before she blacked out. A half hour later, she finally gains consciousness. She opens her eyes and sees... herself! Except her clone looked like her makeover self, clothing and all.

"AAAAAHHH!" she screamed.

"AAAAAHHH!" her clone screamed.

"AAAAAHHH!" she screamed again.

"AAAAAHHH!" her clone screamed again.

"AAAAAHHH!" screamed Lois.

"AAAAAHHH!" screamed Zack.

"AAAAAHHH!" screamed Chris.

"AAAAAHHH!" screamed Brian.

"AAAAAHHH!" screamed Stewie.

"AAAAAHHH!" screamed Maddie.

"LOUD NOISES!" screamed Peter.

"What the hell is going on?" asked Meg in horror, "Why the hell are there two me's?

"The real question is why the hell is there even ONE you?" asked Peter.

"The cloner," said Brian, "When Lois screwed up Zack's aim, the ray hit Meg and cloned her."

"WHAT?" asked Peter in horror, "Why do you hate me so much, God?"

Meanwhile in heaven...

"You brought this on yourself, fatty," said God, "You stole from the collection place to buy your own collection plate. That ain't right!"

Back on Earth...

"Lord, I reject one abortion and bullsh(bleep)t like THIS happens," said Lois.

"Yeah, replace 'reject' with 'accept'," said Zack, "Then replace 'one abortion' with 'marriage' and finally replace 'bullsh(bleep)t' with 'clusterf(bleep)cks'."

"So, I'm just a clone?" asked the clone.

"Pretty much," said Meg.

"So what are we gonna do with her?" asked Zack.

"...You know, I've always wanted to know what it's like to kill Meg," said Peter as he grabbed a sledgehammer.

"No, Peter!" said Lois, "She's still a living being, even if she is just a clone... a Meg clone at that, but that doesn't make her any less of a living being... Actually it does, but it doesn't mean we should bring death upon her."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure there's room enough in this family for two Megs," said the clone.

"I would tell you to shut up, but I find you much easier on the eyes and cannot bring myself to do so," said Peter.

"Dad, that's my clone," said Meg, "She looks like me!"

"Shut up, Meg," said Peter.

"We don't need another Meg," complained Stewie, "You know what we need? More Stewie."

"As if Sunday nights don't have enough already..." muttered Maddie.

"Oh no she din't," said Brian.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" asked Stewie angrily as he punched Maddie in the arm.

Upon doing so, the younger infant rubbed onto her sore arm and began to bawl loudly.

"Oh, my poor baby," said the clone as she picked up Maddie as cuddled, "Tell mommy where it hurts."

"Hey! That's MY daughter you're holding!" said Meg.

"Hey, her hair smells like kiwis," said Maddie, "How come YOUR hair doesn't smell like kiwis?"

"That's because I often replace your mother's shampoo with shampee," chuckled Peter.

"Dad! That's disgusting!" said Meg.

"And her hands are softer, too," said Maddie, "So delicate..."

"Okay, why is she my clone yet different from me?" asked Meg.

"Well, the cloner was set on making the perfect clone," said Brian, "So I guess perfect meant being prettier and whatnot."

"Either way, it'll suck," said Peter, "Having to deal with a second Meg is gonna be harder than the time I tried to cross that bridge."

**Flashback**

Peter is driving down the road when he comes to a bridge. However, the bridgekeeper, an old man blocks his way.

"STOP!" said the bridgekeeper, "He who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."

"Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper," said Peter, "I am not afraid."

"What... is your name?" asked the bridgekeeper.

"Peter Griffin of Spooner Street," said Peter.

"What... is your quest?" asked the bridgekeeper.

"To seek the Holy Grail," said Peter.

"What... is the true reason why _According to Jim_ is still on the air?" asked the Bridgekeeper.

"..I don't know that one," said Peter.

Suddenly, he and his car are launched into the air screaming as he falls down into the pit.

"ALL I WANTED WAS SOME HOLY GRAIL BRAND ICE CREAM FROM THE CORNER STORE OF 4TH STREEEEET!" shouted Peter as he fell.

**End Flashback**

The next night, the Griffins were at the table having dinner.

"So how was school, Meg?" asked Lois.

"Terrible/Great," both Megs said in unison, "It was the best/worst day of my life."

"Umm, okay, could you care to explain?" asked Lois, "Um, both of you?"

"I was harassed by Connie again," said Meg.

"And I stood up to her," said the clone.

**Flashback**

It was at lunchtime when Connie and her clique walked up to Meg and her clone.

"Meg, we needed to ask a question and we thought only you could know the answer," said Connie.

"Okay, shoot," said Meg.

"Does having a clone make you twice as dorky or twice as ugly?" asked Connie as she and her friends snickered.

"Here you go," said the clone as she spooned all of her food onto Connie's tray.

"What's this for?" asked Connie.

"Oh, I just thought you could use some food," said the clone, "After all, you look like an anorexic whore. I mean, look at you. You have the facial structure of a BOY, but that's okay. Why bother dealing with your insecurities when you can hide behind a mask that covers them? Wait, that's no mask! That's your boyish face! Oops, sorry."

Connie then runs off sobbing loudly.

"Hey, get back here!" said the clone as she ran after Connie, "I'm not done demeaning you yet!"

**End Flashback**

"Afterwards I became the most popular kid in school," said the clone, "And class president... and captain of the cheerleading squad... and school kickboxing champion.

"Wow, that sounds wonderful," said Lois.

"I got pelted with fruit," said Meg bitterly.

"My that, um, sounds... wonderful," said Lois in an unsure tone, "Good for you?"

"You're school kickboxing champion? Freaking sweet!" said Peter.

"Yup, let me show you some moves I learned," said the clone as she kicked Meg in the face.

"Owwww!" said Meg as she rubbed her face.

"Oops... Sorry," said her clone.

"Are you kidding me? That was freaking awesome!" said Peter.

"And that's not all," said the clone, "On my way home from school, I decided to buy everybody presents."

"Oh, you didn't have to," said Lois.

"No, I INSIST," said the clone, "After all, I love you guys. I bought mom a jeweled necklace."

"Oh my," said Lois in astonishment, "Thank you."

"For Brian, a book," said the clone as she handed him a book.

"_Our God And Why He is a Big Phoney, by Phoney Guy_," said Brian, "Thanks, I've been meaning to pick this up."

"For Chris, I bought him something that will help stimulate his mind," said the clone, "I bought him a Rubik's cube."

"Cool! A plastic puzzle piece in which I can eternally frustrate myself for years to come," said Chris excitedly, "Thanks, clone!"

"And for Stewie, a new rattle," said the clone.

"Yes, patronize me why don't you. I'm just a baby who loves adorable baby things such as this baby rattle and-" Stewie continued before the rattle wielded sharp objects like a swiss army knife, "...MARRY ME!"

"My, this is very thoughtful," said Lois, "Meg never bought us any presents."

"That's because you all treat me like crap!" complained Meg.

"...Lois, when did we buy TWO dogs?" asked Peter, "Anyway, welcome to the family, clone. And to tell the difference, I'm going to call you Good Meg from now on,"

"Hey, you can't do that!" complained Meg, "That will make it sound like I'm the bad one!"

"Shut up, Bad Meg," said Peter.

Later that night in Meg's room, Meg and Zack were trying to get some shut eye... Well, Zack was at least. Meg was too busy cursing and punching her pillow frantically.

"Stupid clone!" said Meg angrily, "Good Meg my ass! I HATE HER! ARRRRRGH!!!"

"Meg, you shouldn't be letting this clone thing get to you," said Zack.

"I can't!" said Meg, "She has everything I wanted; popularity, the respect of my peers and family, and she's pretty! I think Maddie even likes her better than me!"

"That can't be true," said Zack.

"Hi dad. Where's Good mom?" asked Maddie, "I want her to read me a story."

"See?" asked Meg.

"Okay, so she does like her," said Zack, "That doesn't mean she doesn't like you. Anyway, I think she's downstairs."

"Thanks," said Maddie, "Goodnight, dad. Goodnight, Bad mom."

"Kill me, now..." groaned Meg.

"Don't let it get to you," said Zack, "So what if she has long blonde hair, wears tons of makeup, always has her bare midriff showing, and is always giving me a sexy come hither look every time she's in my view, and I probably undress her with my eyes and imagine all the ways I could have sex with her-"

"ZACK!" shouted Meg angrily.

"Oh, right," said Zack, "Anyway the point is............. I think you're still pretty."

"Thanks," said Meg, "She may have all of those things, but at least I still have you."

She then turns off the lights and cuddles up with her beloved. Unbeknownst to them, the clone had been eavesdropping on them the whole time...The next morning, Good Meg was in the kitchen fixing breakfast as Bad Me- er, I mean Meg tiredly dragged herself to the kitchen table.

"Good morning, Bad Meg," said Good Meg in a very cheerful manner, "And what a glorious morning it is."

"Drop dead," said Meg bitterly.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think that you didn't like me," said Good Meg.

"Gee, Sherlock, what was your first clue?" asked Meg dryly.

"Well, to show that there are no hard feelings, I made you some breakfast," said Good Meg, "I arranged the eggs and bacon to form a smiley face, because everyone needs to start off the day with a big smile!"

"Wow, that's very nice of you," said Meg as she grabbed a piece of egg with a fork and lifted it to her mouth. The phone then rings, "I'll get that."

As she leaves, she drops her fork on the table which burns a small hole into it.

"Darn," said Good Meg in disappointment, "Perhaps I used a wee bit TOO much deadly acid. Now the table cloth is ruined."

As Good Meg leaves, Peter walks into the kitchen and notices the plate.

"Oh, kickass! Smiling Eggs!" said Peter as he grabbed a fork full.

Meanwhile at James Woods High, Meg is hanging out with her geeky nameless friends and her gothic friend Raven.

"So you have a clone?" asked the red haired one.

"It happened, yesterday," said Meg, "Why do these things always happen to ME?"

"You're lucky," said Raven, "Other than wicca, my life is totally boring. The only interesting thing that ever happened to me that didn't involve your family was when that one guy's car broke down in front of our house."

**Flashback**

Raven is sitting in the living room of her house when the doorbell rings.She opens the door to see Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, Michael Myers, and Pinhead standing in the doorway.

"Hi," said Jason politely, "You see, our carpool broke down in front of your house and we really need to get to work. Can we use your phone?"

"Phone's in the kitchen," said Raven.

"Thank you," said Freddy, "You're much nicer than the neighbors were."

The horror icons all walk into the house. Leatherface walks in carrying the severed head of a man.

"Severed head stays outside!" said Raven as Leatherface tosses it outside and follows the other, "AND NO BLOOD ON MY WALLS! My mom just cleaned them!"

**End Flashback**

"So boring...." sighed Raven.

"Oh hey, Bad Meg," said Good Meg as she sat at the table next to Meg.

"Bad... Meg?" asked Raven.

"Wow, so this is your clone?" asked the black one.

"She looks pretty," said the blonde.

"Yeah," said Raven, "Pretty lame."

"So, what do you want?" asked Meg.

"Nothing," said Good Meg, "Just wanted to hang out with my source DNA. You're practically like a mom to me."

"Thanks, Good Meg" said Meg, "That's good to hear."

_"My Raven senses are tingling!"_ thought Raven as she suddenly shivered, "LOOK OUT!"

She leaps in to push Meg out of the way of a falling piece of the ceiling.

"Oh my," said Good Meg before she was pinned to the wall by Raven.

"What the hell is your problem?" asked Raven angrily.

"Raven, what's gotten into you?" asked Meg as she forced her friend to let her clone go.

"C'mon, isn't it obvious?" asked Raven, "This is the cliche clone chapter and usually the clone tries to kill the original to take their place!"

"You're crazy!" said Meg.

"Oh, am I?" asked Raven.

"Actually, yes you are," said Connie as she walked by.

"You stay out of this, Bimbo!" threatened Raven, "Anyway, you better watch your back. Just look at her looking so menacing, plotting her next move."

Good Meg spills some spaghetti on her shirt.

"Oopsies," said Good Meg, "I'll have to buy new clothes."

"Yup, real threatening," said Meg sarcastically, "Almost as threatening as a gay supervillain."

**Cutaway**

A generic Superman is trapped in a giant kryptonite jar by the Rainbow; a blatantly gay supervillain with a lisp.

"Now that I have captured you, you thilly little Thuperman, I will now unleash my wrath upon you!" said the Rainbow, "By thpanking your thilly little bottom! Now pull down your pants."

"And how will this accomplish destroying me?" asked Superman.

"_Destroying_ you?" asked the Rainbow.

**End Cutaway**

Later at the Griffin house, Zack and Peter where sitting in the living room, watching TV.

**Cutaway to TV**

We see footage of the Iraqi man throwing his shoe at Bush. We then pause.

"This man was obviously angry," said an announcer, "And he had bad shoes. He wouldn't be throwing nice shoes at the former President. Especially If he was wearing a pair of Nike's"

_Nike's. They're too nice to throw. Even at Bush._

**Disclaimer: No possible guarantee of people NOT throwing them at Bush.**

**End Cutaway**

"Tasteless, yet I love it," said Brian proudly.

"Off topic, but you know what I hate?" asked Zack "I hate it when a plot point just vanishes for no apparent reason after it's done it's purpose."

"Yeah, I know," said Peter, "That really grinds my gears. It happens a lot on sitcoms. The plot point should be resolved instead of just being cast aside. No if's ands or buts."

"Anyway, how's jury duty?" asked Zack.

"The jury what now?" asked Peter.

Suddenly, the telephone rings in the kitchen. Good Meg walks in to go answer it.

"Don't worry, I'll answer," said Good Meg as she answered, "Hello?"

"Aunt Meg? It's me, Tilly," said Tilly.

"Oh hi, Tilly," said Good Meg, "What do you want to talk about?"

"I couldn't help but notice that my cloner is missing," said Tilly, "Did anybody use it?"

"Yeah, I think dad did," said Meg, "It accidentally hit me."

"Well you have to destroy the clone!" warned Tilly, "There's a flaw in the cloner and she may have gained a superiority complex over time! You'll attempt to kill you and replace you! She is highly dangerous and must be destroyed, do you hear me, Aunt Meg?"

"Of course!" said Good Meg, "I'll tell the others right away!"

The original Meg walks into the kitchen and sees Good Meg with the phone in her ear.

"Who is that?" asked Meg.

"...Wrong number," said Good Meg as she slowly hung up the phone, "Meg, could you follow me into the basement? I have something I want to give you."

"Sure," said Meg as she followed Good Meg into the basement.

"Could you have a seat over there?" asked Good Meg as she walked away.

"I know we started off on the wrong foot, but now I see you aren't so bad," said Meg.

"You don't say," said Good Meg as she took out an axe.

"You may be prettier than me and more liked, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends," said Meg.

"Mmmhmm," said Good Meg as she sharpened the axe on an axe sharpener.

"That's why I'm thinking we should try to be more than clone and Meg," said Meg, "I've always wanted to have a sister."

"That's nice," said Good Meg as she pulled off a hair and split it on the axe.

"Say, why do you have that axe?" asked Meg.

"Oh, I'm going to kill you and steal your family," said Good Meg nonchalantly.

"Oh, okay then," said Meg, "So anyway, I was thinking that we could have a slumber party tonight. We could totally stay up, talk about cute boys and braid each other's hair. It's going to be AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!"

Meg quickly ducks the swing of Good Meg's axe.

"Oh my God! What the hell?!?!" screamed Meg.

"I can't chop you into bloody pieces if you keep moving," said Good Meg cheerfully, "Let's get started, shall we? Are you a leftie or rightie?"

Good Meg takes another swing at Meg and chases her upstairs. In the living room, Lois and Peter were watching TV when Meg runs past them screaming with Good Meg in tow.

"MOM! DAD! MY CLONE IS TRYING TO KILL ME!" screamed Meg.

"Nobody likes a tattle tell, Bad Meg," said Peter without turning around.

"Good Meg would never tattle," said Lois before she had a brainfart, "OH MY GOD! MEG!"

"Okay, what the hell is going on?" asked Zack.

"Good Meg is trying to kill Bad Meg!" shouted Lois.

"HA! TOLD YOU SO!" shouted Raven as she burst through the front door.

"...Okay, why were you at the front door?" asked Chris.

"Less talky, more savey of the Meggy," said Raven.

"Oh thank God," said Peter relieved, "For a second there, I thought you said we had to save Meg."

Both Raven and Zack punch Peter on both sides of his head making his jaw move around in a comedic fashion.

"Who wears short shorts? I wear short shorts!" said Peter dizzily as he passed out.

"Uh oh. I think we gave him brain damage," said Raven.

"Yeah, I'm hitting him with whiffle bats from now on," said Zack.

Good Meg was still chasing Meg around the house, wildly swinging her axe until he had her cornered.

"You can't do this to me, you psycho!" begged Meg.

"And why not?" asked Good Meg.

"Because... I'm like a mother to you!" said Meg, "You wouldn't kill your own mother, would you?"

"no.. But Eminem would!" said Good Meg as she raised her axe, "And rap is very influentual music."

"Why do you want to kill me, anyway?!?" asked Meg.

"I tod you, I want to replace you and steal your family," said Good Meg.

"Wait... you mean you're actually JEALOUS of me?" asked Meg.

"No it's because I'm perfect in every way possible and you're an imperfect... Yeah, I'm jealous," said Good Meg as she put her axe down.

"Why are you jealous?" asked Meg, "I mean, you have everything I ever wanted; friends, being pretty, popularity, the love of my family."

"I guess," said Good Meg, "But in the end, I'm still just a clone. I'm not even real. Zack isn't my husband, Maddie isn't my daughter, this isn't my house and this isn't my family because I'm not the real you. I'm just a cheap, but gorgeously sexy imitation."

"Wow, I didn't really think of it that way," said Meg as she walked up to her clone, "Maybe instead of trying to kill me and take my place, have you thought about trying to shape your own destiny?"

"That's not a bad idea," said Good Meg, "It's a big world out there. I'm bound to find my own path in life. Thanks. I'm glad we had this conversation."

"Me too," said Meg as she hugged her clone.

Suddenly, the family and Raven show up and see Meg and her clone.

"Quick! Dogpile onto her!" shouted Peter.

The whole family then jump into the air and dogpile onto... the real Meg.

"OW! GET OFF ME!!!" muffled Meg from underneath.

"Umm... That's the real Meg you guys are on," said Good Meg.

"Your point being?" asked Stewie.

A few hours later, the family is out in the front door saying goodbye to Good Meg who has nothing but a suitcase.

"Well, I guess I'm off," said Good Meg.

"But where will you go?" asked Lois.

"I'm off to live in Los Angeles," said Good Meg, "I'm a clone so I should fit in with all the conformists."

"Good mom, please don't go," said Maddie as she hugged her.

"I have to," said Good Meg, "But your mom is still here and she loves you very much. But I'm sure our paths will cross again soon."

"Okay," said Maddie as she was scooped up by Meg.

"Anyway, good luck on your path," said Meg, "May it be the right one."

"I guess I'll see you all around," said Good Meg as she walked off into the sunset.

"Do you think we'll ever see her again?" asked Zack.

"Nope," said Raven.

"I better go get dinner ready," said Lois as she walked into the house.

"I guess with the clone gone, everything will go back to normal, right dad?" asked Meg.

"Shut up, Bad Meg," said Peter

**End Chapter.**


	39. Zack's Father is a Horny Bastard

**Chapter 37: Zack's Father is a Horny Bastard  
**

**(A/N: Sorry if this isn't up to par. My interest in writing isn't as strong as it used to be. I hope you like it, anyway.)  
**

One afternoon, Lois was making lunch in the kitchen as Meg was sitting at the table reading the newspaper.

"Mom, take look at my horoscope," said Meg, "It say here that unexpected twists and turns await my future. What do you think it means?"

"It means that you'll be hitting the gym soon," said Stewie, "God knows you're overdue."

"Um, mom did hit a gym, remember?" asked Maddie, "The end result was her taking so much steroids that the MLB roster would be jealous."

"Yeah... well... SHE'S FAT!" shouted Stewie quickly, "Ha! Stewie: 1, you: 0!"

"Meg, those horoscopes are a bunch of superstitious nonsense," said Lois, "They're all just fake."

"Well, I think it might actually mean something," said Meg, "I'm just wondering if it'll turn out to be a good or bad thing."

"I once got a fortune, too," said Chris, "I had a a fortune cookie once except it was round and it had these black spots all over it. Then the next day, I was bloated and had chicken pox!"

"My, Lois, Peter has definitely put some excellent swimmers into the gene pool," said Brian.

The phone in the kitchen then begins to ring loudly.

"Meg, can you get that for me?" asked Lois, "I still have to make lunch.

"Hello?" asked Meg as she answered the phone, "OH MY GOD!"

"What's wrong?" asked Lois.

"Zack was in a car accident," said Meg worriedly.

Later at the hospital, the family are at Zack's side as he was recovering from his injuries. Meg stroked her husband's hair, trying to comfort him in anyway she could.

"Are you okay?" she asked with concern.

"I'm fine," said Zack, "I flew through a windsheild, bounced around on the pavement a bit, and my head's killing me, but other than that I'm super."

"Exactly what happened, Peter?" asked Lois.

**Flashback**

Peter and Zack are sitting at a stop light when Peter gets an idea. Peter then purposely colides with a car which causes Zack to fly out through the windshield and injure himself.

"HAHA! APRIL FOOLS! I loosened your seatbelt!" laughed Peter as he then looked at Zack's mangled body, "Uh oh..."

**End Flashback**

Dr. Hartman walks into the room to give the family his diagnosis.

"Doctor, how is he?" asked Meg.

"I'm afraid Zack may never walk again," said Dr. Hartman as the family gasped in shock, "...Because he'll be on bed rest for the rest of the week. After which, he'll be able to walk as much as he wants."

"We're just very thankful he's alive," said Lois.

"And he's lucky, too," said Hartman, "It's a good thing his HMO covers April Fools pranks."

"And you said it would be a waste of money," said Zack.

"Okay, I was wrong," admitted Meg.

"I saw my life flash before my eyes, Meg," said Zack, "It was horrible."

"I know," said Meg, "Near death experiences are never any fun."

"No, I meant my life," said Zack, "I saw myself wearing white shorts with black socks when I was 10. What the hell was I thinking?!"

"You were?" asked Meg, "Oh the humanity!"

"Meg, I almost died again," said Zack, "This has to be the umpteenth time this happened."

"God, I can't imagine what could happen if you actually did die," said Meg.

"Yeah, and what's worse is that I'm not insured," said Zack, "Well, after I'm done healing, I'm getting life insurance. If I don't and I croak, you and Maddie won't have me around to support you guys."

"hey, hey! That's not true!" protested Peter, "If you were to die, I would take very good care of them."

**Cutaway**

Meg and Maddie are outside in the cold wearing rags, while Peter and the others are inside their warm house.

"Dinner's ready," said Peter as he tossed a can of dog food at Meg.

**End Cutaway**

A few weeks later at the life insurance office, Meg and Zack were registering for life insurance. Their sales representative, a female, was reviewing their paperwork.

"Well, Mr. Murdock, everything seems to be in order," said the employee, "Except when asked if you were a smoker or not you put down undecided."

"Yeah, Mr. Fox can't seem to make up his mind on that subject," said Zack.

"Mr... Fox?" asked the employee.

"Yeah, we don't have a fourth wall anymore," said Meg.

"Okay, now all I need is your birth certificate and you'll be all set," said the employee.

"Of course," said Zack, "Meg, hand her my birth certificate."

"I don't have it," said Meg.

"What?" asked Zack, "It was supposed to be in my old room in the attic. What happened to my birth certificate?"

**Flashback**

Peter walks into the attic looking for something and notices Zack's birth certificate. He takes it and folds it into a paper plane.

"This is your captain Peter Griffin speaking," said Peter, "We are in route to Los Angeles. But what's this? Oh no, there are Arabs on the plane. Everyone has become prejudice and is panicking, distracting the pilot. HE'S GONNA CRASH!"

He tosses the plane out of the window where it falls into the streets and gets run over by a car.

"That was fun," said Peter, "Now let's see how far Lois' dimploma flies."

**End Flashback**

"Like that was hard to figure out..." said Zack in disdain.

"Well doesn't your mom still have the original certificate?" asked Meg, "You know, the one from the _Canada_?"

"We have been through this," said Zack through his teeth, "We do NOT mention my birthplace in public."

"Zack, there's nothing wrong with being a Canadian," said Meg, "Famous people were born in Canada; Jim Carrey, Pamela Anderson, Celine Dione, even Wolverine."

"You're right. Now let's forget all aboot it and get the birth certificate, eh?" said Zack before he stopped, "...Dammit!"

Later outside of a small house with a hippie van parked outside, Meg and Zack knocked on the door. Valarie answered as smoke poured from behind her, escaping the house.

"Oh, hi Zack. Hi Meg," said Valarie as she invited them inside, "Don't mind the smoke. That was my pot."

"Huh?" asked Meg.

"In the kitchen," said Valarie, "I burned my lunch in a pot on the stove."

"Oh..." said Meg.

"What did you think I meant?" asked Valarie.

"Anyway, mom, I came here for my birth certificate," said Zack.

"Oh... That thing," said Valarie nervously, "Why would you need that silly old thing?"

"We're trying to apply for life insurance so that Meg and Maddie will have something when I die," said Zack, "So do you have it?"

"What happened to yours?" asked Valarie, "You know, the one I gave you so that you would never ever touch mine?"

"Why are you acting so weird?" asked Zack, "Are you hiding something?"

"Me? Hiding?" asked Valarie, "Why would you think I am hiding something that would need to be hidden? That's rediculous. Anyway, I lost your birth certificate years ago and we moved alot so the chances of us ever finding it would-"

"I found it," said Meg as she took a closer look, "Weird, your father's name is smudged with a marker."

"No that's, uh, nothing!" stuttered Valarie nervously.

"Maybe a little spit will clean that," said Meg as she cleaned it off, "...OH... MY... GOD!"

"What is it?" asked Zack as he walked up to Meg.

"I think we've finally found out who your real father is!" said Meg in horror as she showed him the certificate.

Zack looked on in horror as he saw the name written on the laminated birth certificate: Lucifer. Unbeknownst to him, his arch enemy, Lobster burst through the window and was about to fight.

"Holy crap!" said Zack in horror, "My father is the devil!"

Upon hearing this, Lobster runs backwards and jumps outside backwards really quickly.

"God, I was afraid this day would come," said Valarie as she had both hands in her face, "Zack, sit down. I think it's time I told you the truth about your birth. It all started about 20 years ago at the Burning Man event in the late 1980's..."

**Flashback**

_I went alone since your father didn't care much for Hippie stuff and didn't want your sister exposed to Hippie stuff either. Instead, he probably had her exposed to stupid pills and the then current mind numbing programming of FOX. I suppose it isn't any different from today's programming, either. But I digress. Anywho, I dropped my stash of pot and when I went to pick it up, his hand met mine._

"I'm sorry," said a black haired man who resembled Zack facially and was wearing black hippie clothing, "Is this your pot?"

"Um, yeah," said Valarie, mezmerized by his looks.

_That was when I met him. It was love at first sight all over again. Though, to tell you the truth, I think I might had 5 or 6 beers when I met Frank. I only had two when I laid eyes upon what I thought was an angel from heaven. _

"Sorry, I dropped my pot around here somewhere," said the man.

"It's alright," said Valarie, "You can have some of mine. Milli Vanilli doesn't play at these things, so I won't need it anyway."

"Thanks," said the man, "Name's Lucas, by the way."

"I'm Valarie," said Valarie.

"What brings you to Burning Man?" asked Lucas.

"Burning Man symbolizes the start of a new life," said Valarie, "Burning what one doesn't need. letting go of the past and beginning anew. How about you?"

"I like burning stuff," said Lucas.

"...Yes, in a sick way, arson is indeed a beautiful thing," said Valarie.

"Anyway, you want to hang with me in my tent?" asked Lucas.

"Sure, I guess," said Valarie.

_So I followed him into his tent. One thing lead to another and we were suddenly doing the horizontal hokey pokey. Emphasis on pokey... A few weeks later after returning home, I found out I was pregnant. I couldn't let your father know I cheated on him, so I made up a rape story. Nine months later in Canada, I gave birth to you. Your father wasn't there._

_"Yeah, he was never there for my birthdays," said Zack, "Not even my first one."_

_Anyway, after I had you, that was when I found out Lucas was the devil, Lucifer, and you were a devil spawn._

_"How did you figure that out?" asked Zack._

"Congatulations, Mrs. Murdock. It's a boy," said the doctor as he handed her the baby, "Wait, something else is coming out."

"Twins?" asked Valarie.

"No it looks like... some sort of a pitchpork," said the Doctor.

_I wanted to give you up for adoption. I couldn't keep you, knowing that you were the son of the devil. But then I saw your face. You looked so innocent and adorable. I guess I knew that despite being a devil spawn, you were still just a baby who didn't know from right and wrong._

"I think I will keep him after all," said Valarie, "I think I'll call you... Zack."

"So... do you want to keep his tail?" asked the doctor.

"Tail?" asked Valarie in confusion as she saw that baby Zack had a devil's tail.

**End Flashback**

"So THAT'S why Maddie had a tail when she was born," said Zack in realization.

"Yeah... THAT'S why," said Meg shifty eyed.

"Lucifer signed the certificate, but I told him that he couldn't see you," said Valarie, "You were never meant to know about your true birthright."

"So if what you're saying is true, then this means I'm a devil spawn," said Zack, "If I'm part demon, why don't I have demonic powers?"

"Oh I had you baptized when you were born," said Valarie, "Though people were getting rather suspicious when you started turning the holy water black. It expelled most of your demonic essense... Well, except for your hatred towards Mormons."

"You mean there are some people that LIKE Mormons?" asked Zack.

**Flashback**

Many years ago, a 12 year old Zack answers the doors to see two Mormon missionaries holding books.

"Hi there," said one man, "Would you like to join the House of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saint?"

"You'll become a God of your own planet if you do," said the other Mormon.

"Excuse me for a moment," said Zack as he walked into the house.

A few seconds later, he chases the Mormons off the lawn with a shotgun. They get on their bikes and drive, but not before Zack shoots one of their bikes.

"I think I'll call you Rusty," said Zack to his shotgun.

**End Flashback**

The very next day, Peter and Zack were working at the Pawtucket Brewery.

"Let me get this straight," said Peter, "You're the bastard son of Satan."

"Yup," said Zack.

"But you didn't know about this until now," asked Peter.

"Nope," said Zack.

"So.. you think you could get good ol' dad to get us out of work?" whispered Peter.

"Peter!" said Zack shocked.

"C'mon, a little apocalypse never hurt anybody," pressured Peter.

"Look, can we drop this?" asked Zack irritated, "I don't want to want to hear anymore Lucifer being my dad, okay?"

"Murdock, I heard about your family connections," said Angela as she entered the room, "You're fired."

"WHAT?!?!" shouted Zack, "You can't fire me just because I'm the son of Satan! That's descrimination!"

"Satan?!?" asked Angela in confusion, "All I was told that you were the bastard son of one of the most evil and powerful men in the world. I assumed it was Bill O'Reily. Either way, I'll have to let you go. I can't let people know that we have an Anti-Christ on the company payroll."

"C'mon! The new kid, Matt Ryder, hates God and you haven't even THOUGHT about firing him!" shouted Zack.

"Our mail boy does not hate God," said Angela, "You're being crazy."

"Yeah, he's absolutely crazy," said Matt as he walked away carrying papers with plans to kill God.

**(A/N: Yes, that was a cameo of Matt Ryder from Whispering Illusions 1 & 2. Yes, this universe is now broken.)**

A few days later, Zack was sitting lazily on the living room sofa, with an unshaven 5 'clock shadow and his hair messy with a remote on his hands randomly changing the channels.

"We now return to The Terminator," said the TV announcer."

"Alright," said Zack.

"...On the Disney Channel."

"AHHH!" shrieked Zack as he frantically changed the channel and sighed of relief afterwards.

"Any luck finding a new job?" asked Meg.

"None. Nobody wants to hire the son of a devil," said Zack, "Well, except maybe Microsoft."

"Did you try them?" asked Lois.

"Believe it or not, they actually want COMPETENT programmers," said Zack.

"Since when?" asked Brian as he was trying to get Vista to work on his laptop.

"Geez, I hate to see you like this," said Peter as he then put on a smiley face mask on him, "There. That's much better."

"Insert sarcastic witty comeback here," said Zack, "Lord knows I'm too depressed to actually even think of one."

"You'll bounce back," reassured Meg, "You always do."

"Just because you're the long lost son of Satan doesn't mean you're suddenly different," said Lois.

"Yeah, tell those religious fanatics out there that," said Peter, "There was a mob out there this morning with pitchforks screaming 'Run the monster out of town'."

"Peter, those people were from Chris' school," said Lois, "He probably took off his shirt again."

"What's so monsterous about this?" asked Chris as he took off his shirt.

Meg, and Brian all thew up right on the spot after seeing Chris's obese belly.

"Ever seen the movie, The Blob?" asked Stewie, "That oughta give you quite a hint."

Maddie then walks from downstairs looking very sick. Her entire body is covered with red itchy spots all over

"Oh my God!" said Meg in horror, "Are you alright?"

"I don't feel so good," coughed Maddie, "I'm so itchy!"

"Alright! Connect the dots!" said Peter as he grabbed a sharpie and connected Maddie's red spots, "Look! A horsey!"

"Peter, this is no time to play games!" said Zack, "She's sick!"

"Actually, it does look kinda like a horse," said Lois.

"Will you knock it off?" asked Meg irritated, "We have to take Maddie to the doctor right away!"

A few hours later at the doctor's office, Maddie pediatrician, Michael is taking a look at Maddie.

"Did you find out what's wrong with my baby?" asked Meg.

"Well, other than the fact that she's covered in black marker in the shape of farm animals..." said Michael.

"Hey, I saw a rabbit and I went for it," said Peter, "But the others? Yeah, I kinda went crazy afterwards."

"Your daughter has the chicken pox," said Michael, "It should heal naturally."

"Well that's a relief," said Meg, "For a second there, I thought I had something to be scared of."

"I feel kinda funny," said Maddie as two spots on her forehead grew to become devil horns, "...COOL!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" shrieked Meg, "What's happening to my baby!"

"Oh my god!" said Michael as he went through an old doctor's handbook, "I think Maddie's contracted... Devil pox!"

"Devil pox? What's that?" asked Zack.

"Well according to this, it's a rare childhood disease that slowly turns the infected into a monster," said Michael, "This is quite common in children with evil lineage. Hitler had it, Bill Gates had it, and now your daughter has it."

"Wait, Hitler and Bill Gates didn't turn into monsters," said Brian.

"Did they?" asked Michael.

"Shutting up, now," said Brian.

"I don't want my baby to become a monster!" said Meg in horror, "How do we cure her?"

"It's not quite that easy," said Michael, "The only way to cure her completely would be to, as rediculous as it sounds, convince the devil himself to lift the disease."

"Ugh, Lucifer will never cure Maddie," said Meg, "He still hates her guts after she beat him."

"Then we'll just have to cope with living with a monster," said Peter, "I mean, Sesame Street does it. Imagine if they were intolerant."

**Cutaway**

Cookie Monster walks outside and is shocked see a cross burning in his front yard.

"This message has been brought to you today by the letter 'T'," said Ernie.

"As in 'Time to get the hell out of here', monster!" threatened Bert as he and Ernie walked away.

**End Cutaway**

The next day at James Woods High, Meg was at her locker getting her books when Raven walked by.

"I've been hearing rumors that your husband, Zack, is the son of Lucifer," said Raven, "Is it true?"

"Yes, it's true," said Meg.

"Wicked," said Raven.

"Not, it's not wicked!" said Meg, "It's ruining our lives. The town suddenly hates him and everyone's ignoring me!"

"...You mean they weren't before?" asked Raven.

"...Touche..." said Meg, "But that isn't the worst part. My baby is sick and she'll become a monster if I can't cure her, but I can't cure her without making a deal with the devil, and he'll never do it!"

"How about if I summon the devil for you," said Raven.

"You can?" asked Meg.

"Sure, there's an old ritual used to call forth Satan," said Raven, "Very few people kow this spell including me, and Bob Saget."

"Why Bob Saget?" asked Meg.

"That's not the point," said Raven, "Anyway, I'll see you after school at your house. Just make sure you have the following items ready; eye of newt, tail of goat, wing of bat, dust from the tombstone of a man whose name begins with J, a man whose name begins with J, spores of the rare Helmsly toadstool, and a canteloupe. I'll bring the rest of the stuff later."

"Eye of- Where the hell am I gonna get that stuff?" asked Meg, "What do you think this is? _The Spellbook_?"

Later after school, Raven spreads the powdery residue of the ingredients into the shape of the Seal of Lucifer.

"Are you sure this spell will work?" asked Lois.

"Nope, but that's never stopped me before," said Raven, "Anybody have a book on Satanism?"

"No, but I do have a Sears catalogue of very ugly clothing from the 1980's," said Stewie handing her said catalogue.

"Eh, close enough" shrugged Raven, "Here goes... Prince of darkness to whom I bow! Show your evil might right now! ...Um, something about parachute pants being swell, RISE AGAIN FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"

Suddenly, an evil, cloudy, swirly vortex appears on the ceiling of the room. Lightining then strikes from above and Lucifer himself appears... wearing a towel and showercap and holding a rubber ducky in his hand.

"What is it this time, Saget?" asked Lucifer annoyed, "Lord, help me if this is about wanting me to create a Full House remake again. No soul is worth that!"

"No, I summoned you here," said Raven.

"Let me guess," said Lucifer, "You want to sell your soul for friends who aren't emo and cut themselves over the smallest things like their favorite flavor of pudding being cancelled."

"No, it's because I found out the truth!" said Zack, "The truth that you... Are my father!"

Lucifer then quickly changes his attire to his everyday wardrobe and walks up to Zack.

"So, Valarie finally told you?" asked Lucifer.

"Yes, and it's bein ruining my life ever- WHAT THE HELL?!?" shouted Zack as he was caught off gaurd by Lucifer trying to hug him.

"What? Can't I give my little sonny boy a hug?" asked Lucifer.

"NO! You almost killed me!" shouted Zack angrily as he broke the hug, "And you were trying to steal my wife!"

"I was only doing it out of love!" explained Lucifer.

"Oh yes, because trying to steal the soul of your own son and sleep with your daughter in law just screams I love you!" said Zack.

"Well it does where _I_ come from!" shouted Lucifer.

"Well, um, Mr. Lucifer, would you like to stay for dinner?" asked Lois.

"Of course," said Lucifer as he removed his black trenchcoat, "And what are we having for dessert?"

"Cake," said Lois.

"Devil's or Angel's food cake?" asked Lucifer.

"...Devil's?" asked Lois.

"........You're alright, Mrs. Griffin," said Lucifer.

Later that night, everyone is quietly having dinner, when Lucifer just looks and stares at Maddie. Peter grabs a beer bottle and uses her horns as a bottle opener.

"Alright, I'm sorry, I just have to ask," said Lucifer, "Why does the girl look so funny?"

"That's pretty much because she takes after her mother in the looks department," said Peter, "It's a damn shame, really."

"No, I meant the devil horns," said Lucifer.

"Well that's exactly why we summoned you here," said Zack, "My daughter contracted devil pox!"

"Ah, the devil pox," said Lucifer, "It's very much like the chicken pox, only worse. First you grow devil horns. Then you grow a devil's tail," he continued as a tail sprouted from behind Maddie, "Yes, like that. Then your pigment becomes a full red," he continued as Maddie turned red.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" asked Maddie.

"Takes after her grandpappy, wouldn't you say?" asked Lucifer.

"Please, you've gotta cure her!" said Meg, "I beg you!"

"Alright, I'll do it," said Lucifer, "But under one condition, I want-"

"NO! NO GODDAMN WAY!" interrupted Zack.

"But you didn't even let me finish!" said Lucifer.

"I don't have to!" said Zack, "It's the same song and dance everytime! You want to take Meg's soul and make her your bride for all eternity! Not this time 'dad'"

"But I-"

"Just leave, okay?" asked Zack.

"Fine. But heed my words, you WILL fulfil my request. I'll be waiting...," he said as he disappeared in a burst of flames and laughed evilly.

His exit causes a table cloth to set on fire. Lois runs in with a fire extinguisher and puts out the flames.

"Well, that was weird," said Raven, "Can you pass me the salt?"

The next day Maddie is sitting sadly in the living room as Stewie and Brian walk in.

"Hey, Brian. Brian, look," said Stewie as he started tossing horseshoes at Maddie's horns, "Look, I'm playing horseshoes."

"Stewie, knock it off," said Brian, "Maddie is obviously traumatized by this whole ordeal so show some compassion for a change."

"You're right, Brian," said Stewie as he walked up to his neice, "Hey Maddie. Why you lookin' so sad? You want something? A bottle of milk? Or perhaps a cue tip sharpener? HAHAHAHA! Oh sorry! Sorry, that was just mean."

"This disease is the worst thing to ever happen to me!" said Maddie, "I'd rather yank all the hairs from my nose with tweezers than deal with this! I'd rather chew one of Uncle Chris's snotballs than deal with this! IT SUCKING F(bleep)CKS, IT F(bleep)CKING SUCKS, IT F(bleep)CKING BLOWS, IT'S SH(bleep)T... and I don't like it."

The others then walk into the living room and notice Maddie sitting in the living room sadly.

"Okay, why isn't Maddie in preschool?" asked Zack.

"They kicked her out for being... different," said Meg.

**Flashback**

"Sorry I'm late!" said Maddie rushing into the classroom, "My dad's car broke down."

Everyone in the classroom looks on at Maddie in shock.

"What?" ashe asked in confuson.

"Maddie, I'm sorry, but you can't be in this classroom anymore," said Mrs. Lockheart, "The christians will have a fit if they found out I was teaching a devil child."

"...Oh. Okay then..." said Maddie as she walked out of class.

As soon as she leaves, a small Arab boy walks into the class.

"Hello, I am Sanjay," he said, "I'm the new kid."

"...I'm sorry, Sonjay..." said Mrs. Lockheart.

**End Flashback**

"Having devil pox stinks!" shouted Maddie, "My friends are scared of me, everyone hates me, and I'm still itchy!" she continued as Peter connected dots on her forehead, "I can't believe you did that.... again..."

"I saw Texas," said Peter.

"Zack, we have to make the deal Lucifer!" said Meg.

"The answer is still no!" said Zack.

"But our baby is so miserable!" said Meg, "We can't leave her like this for the rest of her life."

"But we can't let her grow up without her mother, either," said Zack.

"Actually, you'll be doing her a favor," said Peter.

"Shut it!" said Zack, "The point is that I'm putting my foot down!"

"Oh yeah?" challenged Meg as she smirked, "Well... I'll sell my soul to cure my daughter!"

At that instant, Lucifer appears in the room in a burst of flames.

"You rang?" asked Lucifer.

Lois puts out yet another fire with the extinguisher.

"We have a front door, you know!" complained Lois.

"We want to make the deal!" said Meg.

"Excellent," said Lucifer, "We'll get started right away."

"No we won't!" said Zack, "I don't care if you're my birth father or the devil! You're not taking Meg away from me!"

"I'm not taking Meg," said Lucifer.

"You're not?" asked Meg and Zack in unison.

"No, I'm taking you," said Lucifer pointing to Zack.

"ME?" asked Zack, "Why would you want my soul? What, did you miss your chance at child molestation and want to screw me up some more?"

"No! I don't want your soul," said Lucifer, "And I don't want THAT either. I'm evil, but I have my limits! I merely want to spend a day with you."

"Okay, what's the catch?" asked Peter.

"No catch, I just want to spend the day with my son," said Lucifer.

"Really? But why?" asked Zack.

"Well, I suppose aside from war, famine, death, suffering, hate, and Genocide, the one thing I truly ever wanted was a son," said Lucifer as he was making a circle with his foot.

"Yeah, like I'm gonna trust you," said Zack.

"I know what it's like to grow up without a father," said Lucifer, "Since the beginning of time, to be exact. He always treated my brother better than me. Well, that was after I fell out of favor with him, but you get the idea. After he banished me, that was when I started being the devil."

"So... you feel a little guilty about what you've been doing?" asked Lois.

"Hell no!" said Lucifer, "Being evil is sweet! the point is I want to be there for my son and make up for all the times I couldn't be there for you. What do you say?"

"No way!" said Zack, "I grew up whis far without a father. I never needed someone to teach me to walk, talk, tie my shoes, ride a bicycle... show up at my birthdays... or my school play... or to comfort me when my goldfish died... DADDY!!!" sobbed Zack as he buried his face onto Lucifer's chest.

"Don't cry, son," said Lucifer as he hugged him back, "Daddy is here."

We then cut to a montage of father-son bonding scenes with Lucifer and Zack. _Watching Scotty Grow by Bobby Goldsboro_(which I do not own, btw) plays in the background during all scenes.

Zack, Maddie, Peter, and Lucifer are at a lake skipping rocks. Maddie skips the first one across and gets two skips. Peter skips the second one across and gets three skips. Zack skips the third one across and gets four skips. Lucifer tosses his rock and... boils the water, killing all the fish. Everyone just laughs heartily as they walk away.

Later, Lucifer is reteaching Zack how to ride a bicycle. He lets go of the bike, but onto traffic which hits Zack and kills him. He snaps his finger ordering Death to appear and points at Zack's dead body. Death revives him and they all laugh heartily. Zack, however, had his arm around Death's shoulder and died again.

Later, Zack and Lucifer are attending a baseball game. The team hits a home run and Zack is about to catch the ball. However, the guy beind him puts his glove in front of his face and steals the catch. Lucifer then causes the man to combust and the ball falls into Zack's glove. They both then laugh heartily.

Later, Zack and Lucifer go to the lake to go fishing. Zack catches a bite and Lucifer helps reel it in. They take a picture of their catch: The Loch Ness Monster.

Later at the park, Connie and her friends are having a picnic. Connie throws a roten piece of meat at Meg and laughs. Lucifer walks up to Connie and hands her a peanut can. She opens it and a giant boa constricter pops out and wraps itself tightly around Connie's body. Zack and Lucifer then laugh heartily.

At the end of the day, Zack and Lucifer return home.

"I actually had a great time today," said Zack.

"As did I," said Lucifer, "Well I'm off."

"Wait, what about the deal?" asked Meg, "You know, curing my daughter."

"Oh right, that..." said Lucifer, "I had my fingers crossed," he was then met with a shocked silence, "AAAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha! Okay, here we go."

With a snap of the finger, Maddie is suddenly back to normal.

"I'm cured!" said Maddie as she was then hit in the head with a flying horseshoe, "OW!"

"Sorry!" said Stewie from across the room.

"Anyway, not only is your daughter restored, but so is everything else," said Lucifer, "Everyone forgot that you're the son of the devil except your family and I got you your job back at the brewery."

"How did you do that?" asked Zack.

"Oh, I did a little 'persuading'," said Lucifer devilishly.

**Flashback**

"Give Zack his job back," said Lucifer.

"No," said Angela.

"Yes," said Lucifer.

"No," said Angela.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No," said Lucifer.

"Yes," said Angela.

"No!"

"Yes."

"NO!"

"Dammit! I'm giving Murdock his job back and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it!" shouted Angela.

"Okay, I'm gone," said Lucifer as he left.

**End Flashback **

"Well, I'm off," said Lucifer.

"Wait, you're just gonna leave me?" asked Zack, "Can't you stay a little longer, dad?"

"I must go back to hell," said Lucifer, "Bing Crosby is throwing a party and I don't want to be late. But just remember this, when you feel the fiery rage when you want to murder someone in a violent manner, I'll be there in your heart."

"...Wait, what?!" asked Zack in confusion.

"Never mind, just keep the holidays open," said Lucifer, "Except Christmas, 'cause that's HIS birthday."

Lucifer then leaves and returns back to his devilly duties in hell. Later, everyone is in the living room watching TV.

"It's kinda funny, really," said Zack, "The devil, evil incarnate, the evilest person in the universe, treated me like a better father than Frank ever did. And in one day, no less."

"It's pretty messed up, actually," said Meg.

"You think grandpa will come back?" asked Maddie.

"Dunno, but at lease we'll have the memories," saiid Zack.

He and the others look through a scrap book with pictures of all the things Zack did with Lucifer... except in all the pictures, Lucifer suddenly looks like a stereotypical red devil.

"Wow, he looks... different," said Lois.

"They say the camera adds 10 pounds," said Zack.

"I'm thinking," said Maddie, "Since Lucifer is your dad, that would make Cody part devil, too. Shouldn't we worry about him?"

"I'm pretty sure he's fine," said Zack.

At that moment, Cody breaks through the living room wall with black devil wings, markings and horns. He almost resembled Devil Jin.

"'Sup," said Cody.

**End Chapter.**


	40. Jillian the Genius

"We interrupt our fanfic to introduce you to our first installment of _That Other Review Fic_," said a random announcer.

We open up in a scene inside a movie theater where Maddie and Stewie are sitting.

"Hello, I'm Stewie Griffin," said Stewie.

"And I'm Maddie Murdock," said Maddie.

"As you've noticed, review fics seem to be all the rage these days," said Stewie.

"Well that is why Malcolm Fox has decided to hop the bandwagon," said Maddie.

"Our first review will be of a story known as _Meg's Boyfriend's Family's Spellbook of Illusions and Dilemmas featuring Brian_," said Stewie, "IT SUCKS! Thanks you."

"..." Maddie could only look on at Stewie in shock.

"This has been the **final** installment of _That Other Review Fic_," said the announcer in an irritated tone.

"And now for something completely different," said Zack as he popped up from nowhere.

**Chapter 38: Jillian the Genius**

The family was at a preschool known as MacFarlane's Academy for Gifted Preschoolers to help Jillian get Tilly enrolled.

"Jillian, you are so lucky to have such a smart daughter," said Lois, "I wish I had a gifted child to enroll here."

"I vaporize a faculty member and I get banned from enrollment," said Stewie, "Yet that boy over there isn't suspended for wearing a blue uniform with clashing green socks and yellow high tops. Where's the justice?"

"I can't believe you're going to get enrolled in this fancy school," said Maddie.

"I know! I'm so excited," said Tilly in excitement, "I've always wanted to go here since I was a fetus."

"How did you know about this place before you were born?" asked Maddie.

**Flashback**

Jillian, 3 months pregnant at the time, is in the academy's dumpster along with Lois and Meg, gathering some discarded children's books and learning toys.

"You know, if you needed baby toys for your new baby, Zack and I could give you the ones Maddie doesn't play with anymore," said Meg.

"Right... They're for my kids..." lied Jillian.

**End Flashback**

A little later, the family was inside the headmistress' office.

"This is remarkable," said the headmistress, "I have never seen anything like it. Your daughter is truly an exceptional child, but-"

"But?" asked Tilly.

"Crap, there's always a but," said Peter.

"But Jillian on the other hand," said the headmistress, "I'm less than impressed with the results of the adult portion of the test."

"So exactly where did I go wrong?" asked Jillian.

"I'll just put it this way," said the headmistress, "When asked who the 1st President of the United States was, you wrote 'Bill'."

"Duh! As in One Dollar BILL? The guy on the money?" asked Jillian, "I'm not so sure if we should enroll her in a school that doesn't even know who the first President is."

"Ms. Russell, I'm not sure if your daughter is MacFarlane material," said the Headmistress.

"Not MacFarlane material?!?!" asked Peter in shock, "C'mon! The girl is as smart as a whip. I mean, have you seen her mother?"

"That may be, but it's sometimes believed that brains are genetic," said the Headmistress, "She may end up reflecting on her mother's behavior subconsciously and I cannot risk infecting this school with stupid, again. Not after what happened years ago..."

**Flashback**

Many years ago, the school caught on fire. The firemen handed the Headmistress a Star Wars matchbook.

"Here's what started the fire," said the fireman.

"Who did this?!?!" asked the Headmistress.

"He did," lied a very young Peter Griffin pointing to a foreign kid who didn't speak English.

**End Flashback**

"And I believe I did the right thing in expelling Enrique," said the Headmistress.

"Yes, you did," said Peter, "Oh, do you still have that Star Wars matchbook? I almost forgot I used to have one until recently."

"Isn't there ANY way that I can get it?" asked Tilly.

"Well, perhaps if we tested your father, instead," said the Headmistress, "By the way, who is your father?"

Meanwhile in the lobby, Chris is rocking a vending machine back and forth for stealing his money until it falls on him.

"OWW!!! AHHH!! UNCLE!!! I TAP! I TAP!!!" screamed Chris as he tapped the ground, "ALL I WANTED WAS A SNICKERS!!!"

"I...don't...know..." said Tilly in embarrassment.

Later at Jillian's apartment, Tilly was conversing with her twin brother CJ in frustration.

"It's not fair!" said Tilly, "My one chance to finally be at a preschool with students of my caliber wasted because our mother is stupider than a dead horse."

"Mom isn't THAT stupid," said CJ.

"Are you kidding?" asked Tilly, "She doesn't remember our names! Half the time she calls us by the names of random pairs."

"Ernie! Bert! It's time for dinner!" shouted Jillian from the kitchen, "We're having jellybean casserole!"

"Again?" complained CJ, "I hate jellybean casserole! She always keeps in the black ones."

"Shut up, Ernie!" said Tilly, "Ugh, if only there was a way to make mom less stupid!"

"You have a lot of smarts," said CJ, "Too bad you can't just give her some of yours."

"CJ, that's brilliant!" said Tilly as her eyes lit up, "To the lab!"

CJ and Tilly then jumped onto the sofa. Tilly pulls a hidden lever which makes the couch flip over. The two toddlers slide down a pole in a secret passage as the 1960's Batman theme played. Upon landing in front of a locked door, Tilly enters a secret number combination and opens up the door. They then move onto a another locked door. This time, both Tilly and CJ pull out keys and unlock it at the same time, entering Tilly's lab. It was a metallic room with scientific equipment and electronic gadgets.

"My secret lab," said Tilly, "A lab so exclusive, and so hidden than only a select few could ever possibly find it within the apartment complex."

"Tilly! CJ! You're jellybean casserole is getting cold," said Jillian as she entered the lab... which was just an extension of Tilly and CJ's room.

"MOOOOOOOM! You're not supposed to walk into my secret lab!" whined Tilly, "It's supposed to be a secret!"

"Right, sorry," said Jillian as she walked away.

Upon leaving, Tilly slams the door shut.

"We really need to relocate the lab," said Tilly, "Anyway, your suggestion made me remember this old invention I made: The Brainshare cap. It allows the wearer to share excess intelligence with that of a less intelligent recipient."

"Does it work?" asked CJ.

"Well, it's an untested prototype, so I don't know," said Tilly, "Which is why I'm going to be testing it tonight."

"I don't know, sis," said CJ, "Testing prototypes always seem to lead to some dangerous results."

"You worry too much," said Tilly reassuringly, "Name me one prototype invention that put us all in danger."

"Remember the prototype Sundoor?" asked CJ.

**Flashback**

Many months ago, Tilly was testing out a prototype version of the Sundoor along with CJ, Stewie, and Maddie.

"Okay, let me know if the Sundoor works," said Tilly as she walked out of the room.

Two minutes later, she walks back into the room holding a newspaper.

"What's a four letter word that people cry when in danger?" asked Tilly.

"HELP!!!" screamed the other kids as large evil tentacles were flailing from the portal with them in their grasps.

"Ohhh... help..." said Tilly not paying attention to the danger her friends were in.

**End Flashback**

"That didn't put us all in danger," said Tilly, "Just you guys. And we got to have calamari that night."

"Interdimensional squid tastes just like chicken," said CJ.

"EVERYTHING tastes like chicken!" said Tilly.

"Yeah, you'd think they'd taste like squid," said CJ.

Later that night during a thunder storm after Jillian fell asleep, the twins quietly snuck into her room with two Brainshare caps.

"Alright, you put your cap on mom," said Tilly as she put her cap onto her head, "And whatever you do, do NOT wake her up!"

"Gotcha," said CJ as he climbed onto Jillian's bed... and stomped on her body as he tried to make his way to her.

"Of course..." said Tilly as she slapped her hand onto her forehead.

Jillian had heard Tilly slap her hand and immediately woke up.

"What was that?" she panicked as she shot straight up from her bed, "CJ? Is that you?"

"No... you're asleep," lied CJ, "This is all a dream."

"If I'm dreaming, then where's my unicorn?" asked Jillian.

"Um, I ate him?" asked CJ unsurely.

"...Remind me to punish you when I wake up from this dream," said Jillian as she went back to sleep.

"That was close," said CJ as he put the helmet on Jillian, "Operation: Brainshare is a go."

"Excellent," said Tilly as she turned the knob on her helmet, "I'm setting it to only give her half of my intellect."

As if on cue, lightning struck the apartment's electrical wiring which caused an overload to the Brain helmet which was plugged in at the time, which in turn electrocuted both Tilly and Jillian. After said electrocution, both Tilly and her mother laid unconscious.

"Great, now I'm an orphan. I better start looking for work," said CJ as he put on a halter top, miniskirt, and high heels.

"CJ, take off those female prostitution garments this instance," said Jillian in a dignified manner that made her sound more intelligent, "I will not have my son of 8 months of age participate in illegal acts of selling his body to pedophiles for money."

"Rats..." said Herbert who was at the window at the time.

"Success!" shouted Tilly proudly, "My invention worked!"

"What?" asked Jillian.

"The Brainshare," said Tilly, "It's a device that copied my intelligence to your brain."

"Oh you mean it transfers the excess information stored within the cerebral cortex to the recipient allowing him or her to possess part of their intelligence?" asked Jillian.

"...For the first time in my life, I want to say that I love you," said Tilly.

The very next morning at the Griffin home, Stewie, Maddie, Tilly and CJ were watching a children's show.

"We now return to Transformers vs The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," said the TV announcer.

**Cutaway to TV**

The Autobots and the TMNT are about to face each other in an epic battle of epic proportions of epicness. EPIC!

"It's time to face off, turtle to machine!" said Leonardo.

"Let the face off begin!" said Optimus Prime as they did battle... in a card game.

"Do you have any three's?" asked Ratchet.

"Go fish, robodude," said Michelangelo.

**End Cutaway**

"What the hell?" asked Stewie, "There was violence in the previews!"

"They edit out the violence to make you buy the uncut DVD. Corporate bastards," muttered Maddie.

Jillian walks into the living room wearing a woman's business dress, with glasses and her hair tied back in a professional manner.

"Good news, Tilly. I went back to the academy to retake the adult portion of the test," said Jillian.

"And how did you do?" asked Tilly.

"I made a perfect score!" said Jillian.

"Impossible!" said Lois as she snatched the test papers from Jillian, "Let me see that. There has to be a mistake."

"Well?" asked Brian.

"Everything's... correct," said Lois in disbelief, "Even the essay portion. No misspelled words, no little pictures, not even doodles of kitties."

"Wow, Jillian, that's amazing!" said Meg.

"That's great!" said Valarie proudly, "I haven't been this proud of your academic skills since the 3rd grade when they gave you Julian Russell's report card by mistake. We all thought you had the highest grades you ever made."

"Mom, that report card had all D minuses," said Jillian.

"Yeah, we know," said Zack matter of factly.

"I can't believe how intelligent Jillian is now," said Brian, "And I blew my chance with her. God, I'm such an idiot."

"You're still whining about Jillian?" asked Stewie, "God, you're even more pathetic than those people who complain about anime dubs."

**Cutaway**

Some geeky looking Otaku dude is watching the english dub of some random anime with a generic looking anime hero cornered by a generic looking anime villain.

"This time, you die," said the villain.

"He said "you die this time' in the original, not 'this time you die'!" said the Otaku angrily, "THEY RUINED IT! THIS DUB SUCKS FOREVER!!!!"

**End Cutaway**

The next day, Tilly arrives in front of her new classroom dressed up in a private school uniform.

"Okay, there's no reason to be nervous," said Tilly, "It's just another classroom. Just try to contain yourself and relax."

As she opened the door, she was greeted by the sight of a futuristic looking classroom with intelligent looking preschoolers and a asian male teacher.

"Hello. Are you Matilda Russell?" asked the Teacher.

"Yes, I am," said Tilly.

"Welcome to our academy, I'm Mr. Wong," said Mr. Wong, "We were just in the middle of an advanced calculus session."

"Exactly how advanced?" asked Tilly.

"College level," said Mr. Wong as Tilly collapsed on the floor drooling on herself.

"Is she alright?" asked one of students.

"Oh, that's normal for new students. She's just having a braingasm," said Mr. Wong, "She'll be fine in 3 hours."

A little later at the apartment, Tilly, Jillian, and CJ were having dinner and discussing their day.

"How was your day?" asked CJ.

"I was in heaven, CJ," said Tilly happily, "A heaven where there was nothing but an asian man and children."

"That sounds like the heaven I went to once," said CJ.

"That was a Chinese sweatshop, CJ," said Tilly.

"Yeah, they were always complaining about us not working fast enough," said CJ, "Maybe if they didn't hire so many girls..."

"Well, I'm glad that you had such a wonderful endeavor," said Jillian, "Perhaps we'll talk more about it after my date with your father."

"I love how you said wonderful endeavor instead of goodish day thing," said Tilly as the door rung, that should be dad right now.

As Jillian answers the door, she sees Chris dressed in a suit holding flowers.

"Hi, Chris," said Jillian.

"Hi, Jillian. Are you ready for our date?" asked Chris.

"Does energy equal mass times the speed of light squared?" asked Jillian.

"..." Chris could only look at Jillian in confusion.

"The theory of relativity?" asked Jillian.

"..."

"I was using it as a metaphor to imply that I am indeed ready for our date," said Jillian.

"..."

"I said yes using really big words," said Jillian.

"...Do it again!" said Chris in excitement.

"Anyway, where are we going, tonight?" asked Jillian.

"I bought us two tickets to that new Adam Sandler movie," said Chris, "I wanted us to go see that animated movie but then I remembered how much talking animals that aren't named Brian creep you out."

"Right... I don't want to see that," said Jillian, "How about we go to the ballet instead? It's much more cultural."

"Yeah... if you want to turn your boyfriend gay," muttered Chris.

"What are you insinuating?" asked Jillian.

"Yeah... guys in tights. That's so straight," said Chris.

"There's nothing wrong with the ballet," said Jillian, "Straight people wear tights! Batman does and he's straight!"

"Tell me that after you watch the 60's Batman show," said Chris.

"Well, I don't want to go see an Adam Sandler movie!" said Jillian, "They're so stupid! It's all sophomoric toilet humor and jokes that only idiots would laugh at. Ooh, look at me! I'm Adam Sandler and I use toilet humor so I can attract immature teens and frat boys! Look, I just made a fart joke!"

"You didn't think that when we rented Happy Gilmore last week!" argued Chris.

"Perhaps I wasn't thinking at all!" argued Jillian.

"You know what?" asked Chris, "Forget going out it. How about we stay in and rent a movie instead?"

"Good idea," said Jillian, "What movie should we watch?"

"Borat!" shouted Chris in excitement.

"Ugh! This isn't working," said Jillian, "Why don't you let ME pick the movie."

"Okay, what do you want to watch?" asked Chris.

"I was thinking that we could watch Twilight," said Jillian.

"...Queer!" coughed Chris.

"Oh right, I keep forgetting," said Jillian frustrated, "Borat is such an intelligent film with it's racial stereotypes."

"At least it's not boring like what you want to watch!" argued Chris.

"Ugh, we're so different now!" said Jillian, "It's like I'm PBS and you're FOX."

"Yeah, because you're boring!" shouted Chris.

"And you stoop to the lowest common denominator and cancel anything remotely decent and put in it's place crappy reality shows such as 'Are you Smarter than a Hillbilly' or the like and glorify the corpses of once good shows such as The Simpsons and Family Guy in hopes of pulling in idiot viewers who are either stoned, have the IQ of negative 5 or both!" shouted Jillian.

"Know it all!" he shouted.

"Retard!" she shouted back.

"Oh that is it! I'm leaving!" shouted Chris angrily as he slammed the door on his way out.

"Fine!" shouted Jillian as angrily stomped to her room.

"Uh oh, I was afraid this would happen," said Tilly.

"What do you mean?" asked CJ.

"The Brainshare not only gave her some of my brain, but also some of my interests," said Tilly, "She and dad barely have anything in common anymore."

"Can you fix it?" asked CJ.

"I'll have to check," said Tilly, "But for now, we'll just have to hope for the best and pray that this doesn't turn out worse than when Casey Jones from TMNT got his own movie.

**Cutaway**

Casey Jones: The Movie

Title and Credits Roll; Screen fades to rainy rooftop where Casey Jones sneaks up on two thugs who just mugged an old lady

"This is my neighborhood," said Casey, "And I refuse to let it go to the dogs. You know, you guys are dogs... Aw c'mon, why am I explaining it to you...

As Casey begins to twirl his hockey stick in preparation of attack, he is shot in the kneecaps. The thugs then throw him 15 stories to the alley below. Screen fades to black...

The End

**End Cutaway**

A few days later at the academy, Tilly and the other students were taking a Science quiz.

"Mr. Wong, we've been taking tests for three days straight," said Tilly, "When do we get free time?"

"When you have a high IQ, there is no time for free time," said Mr. Wong, "You use that time to expand your mind."

Tilly boredly looks out the window next to her desk and to her surprise, she sees her old preschool next door and her former classmates who were outside playing games and generally having fun. It appeared that the boys were having a watergun fight with the girls.

"Alright, men," whispered Stewie, "We'll take the enemy by surprise. After which we will drench them in water in such a humiliating defeat that they will never be able to rise again. They will be defeated for all eternity while people will sing songs of us for years to come! Victory shall be mine!"

"Relax, man. It's just a squirtgun fight," said Cody, "It's nothing serious."

"SQUIRTGUNS ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS!!!" shouted Stewie.

"There they are!" shouted Olivia, "I heard football head making a monologue."

The girls then pop out from the bushes with squirtguns against began shooting the boys... while holding their squirguns sideways.

"You're executing my men!... Gangster style!" said Stewie in horror.

"We had another execution method, but we deemed it politically incorrect," said Maddie.

"Let's just say it rhymes with Hitaki Smile execution and you try to figure it out from there," said Olivia.

"Well that sucked... a lot!" said Cody as he was drenched in water.

Tilly then giggled at the sight.

"Ms. Russell, are you distracted from your work?" asked Mr. Wong, "Am I going to have to move you?"

"Um... no Mr. Wong," said Tilly as she sighed and continued her work.

Later that day, Jillian walks into the mini mart to talk to Chris.

"Chris, I was thinking about what happened last night and I just wanted to say-" she said before she gasped at the sight of Chris with another girl, "Chris?"

"Oh, hi Jillian," said Chris, "Have you met my new girlfriend, Julie?"

"Hi, I'm Julie!," said Julie.

"She doesn't belittle me for not being as smart as her," said Chris bitterly, "Isn't that right, Julie?"

"Hi, I'm Julie!" said Julie.

"Chris, what are saying?" asked Jillian, "Are we... through?"

"No, because YOU made that perfectly clear last night," said Chris, "Goodbye."

"I...I can't believe this is happening to me," choked Jillian as she tried to hold back her tears, "I'm a big girl. I... won't... cry."

After taking a few steps away, she runs to her car sobbing loudly, driving off. Carl then walks into the scene and catches a glimpse of her.

"Whoa, what's wrong with her?" asked Carl.

"Just some girl stuff," said Chris.

"Hi, I'm Julie!" said Julie.

The next day at the Quahog Mall, Jillian is hanging out with her friends in an attempt to get over her breakup with Chris.

"What you need is to take your mind off of this boyfriend of yours," said her blonde friend.

"But everything reminds of him," said Jillian, "That hat at the hat store, that blue shirt at Sears, that fat kid at the food court, and even that monkey at the pet store."

We cut to a pet store where a monkey in a cage frowns an angry fangy frown and points at the girls.

"Fat kid?" asked her brunette, "How old did you say Chris was."

"24," sighed Jillian.

"How come we've never met him?" asked her dirty blonde friend.

"I told you ten times already: I DON'T KNOW!" shouted Jillian in frustration, "I don't even care about coming up with an alibi anymore. You probably don't even know what that means."

"I so know what a lullaby is," asked her brunette friend.

"Lullabies have rhymes," said the blonde one.

"Forget it. Maybe some shopping will take my mind off him," said Jillian, "I was thinking that we could head over to Barnes and Noble."

"So was I," said her blonde friend, "I heard that they have the newest Garfield book!"

"We can buy a My Little Pony coloring book and color it!" said her dirty blonde friend.

"Crayons taste like candles!" said her brunette friend.

"No, I wanted to buy the newest edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica," said Jillian in frustration, "Okay, forget the book store. What do you girls want to do."

"I was thinking that we can go to the salon and get our hair and nails done," said her Brunette friend.

"That sounds so fetch!" said the blonde one.

"Sounds kinda boring," said Jillian.

"That's not boring!" protested on of her friends, "Getting perms and looking pretty is fun!"

"Of course it's fun... for MEN!" said Jillian, "I don't have to look pretty just to please some pig who only wants me for my breasts and you shouldn't, either."

"Well excuse us, Mrs. Stevie Hawkwing." complained her friend, "We can't all have an interest in Nucular Physicals and Shakespearian movies."

"Actually It's Stephen Hawking, and it's pronounced Nuclear Physics," said Jillian, "Also, Shakespeare lived around the 1500's so there was no technology to make movies. Just plays."

"...We don't even know you anymore," said her friend as she and the others squinted angrily at her, "Goodbye, Jillian."

As her friends got on the escalator down, it suddenly stops.

"OH MY GOD! WE'RE STUCK!" screamed her brunette friend.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" screamed her blonde friend.

Jillian could only sigh in sadness. First she lost her boyfriend and now her friends. She left the mall, never feeling as alone as she did at that moment. Later back at home, CJ was in the living room playing with his toys when Tilly walks into the room tired.

"How was school?" asked CJ.

"It's okay, I guess," said Tilly, "I mean I'm with peers of my intellectual level and I'm learning at a much better rate."

"...You hate it there, don't you?" asked CJ.

"It sucks!" said Tilly, "This new school is so boring, it's all blah blah science math and crap. I miss finger painting. I miss storytime. And most of all I miss you guys and I miss Mrs. Lockheart."

"So, what are you gonna do?" asked CJ.

"I don't know," said Tilly, "I could try to pretend to be stupid."

"Pfft! Yeah right," scoffed CJ, "You're terrible at pretending. Remember when you pretended to be a boy so you could be on the better kickball team?"

**Flashback**

All the kids were standing in line waiting to be called by the team captains. Tilly was dressed up as a brunette boy with short hair, a baseball cap, a blue shirt and jeans. Olivia takes notice.

"So... you like kickball?" asked Olivia.

"Damn it! Now my disguise is ruined!" said Tilly as she angrily slammed her wig down and walked away.

**End Flashback**

At that moment, Jillian comes through the door, sobbing.

"I've lost everything!" sobbed Jillian, "This accursed intellect has brought me nothing but misfortune! I demand that you return me to my default intelligence, post haste!"

"No good," said Tilly, "That electrical storm fried the helmet and I can't reverse engineer the process without it."

"Great... I guess I'm gonna be a Brainiac for the rest of my life," sulked Jillian, "I wish I could unlearn."

"That's it!" declared Tilly, "I just figured out a way to get you back to your old self, by UNlearning."

"Unlearning? That's impossible," said Jillian, "I have 300 IQ points of information. It's impossible to unlearn all of that."

"Actually it's pretty- Wait, did you 300?" asked Tilly in shock, "I only have the IQ of 275! How the hell did you get more IQ points than me?"

"I... I back ordered old Issues of Popular Science and read them all in a day!" sobbed Jillian, "DON'T LOOK AT ME!"

"Okay, that might be a little trickier," said Tilly, "But don't worry. If CJ can lose information every 5 seconds, anybody can do it!"

"Hey, I resent that remark!" said CJ, "I can remember everything that happened in the past- Where am I again?"

"And besides, we have one of the most dumbest minds at our disposal. You'll be ditzy in no time," said Tilly.

"Wait, exactly who is that?" asked Jillian.

We then cut to the Griffin home where Jillian, CJ, and Tilly are standing in front of Peter and the family i the living room.

"So you want to become retarded again, eh?" asked Peter, "Well, you came to the right person."

"Of course they did," said Zack, "I mean who else is so stupid that they'd combine a bunch of other movie trailers to make one big trailer for their film?"

**Cutaway**

_In the world of tomorrow. One man. CAN. In a world. Who had the chance. FIGHT. FOR. FREEDOM. This summer, they took it all. An obese black man named Francis. And he wants it back. This summer. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR. OUT TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT. The streets will never be the same. ..It all fell apart. THE ROCK. In this city where lust is the name of the game in this town._

_Directed by Abraham Lincoln in his stunning postmortem vision._

"And it's done," said Peter as he clicked save on the computer.

"...Okay, I'm going to ask," said Brian, "What the hell did that trailer have to do with a movie about a talking shoe?"

**End Cutaway**

"Anyway, I'm not going to lie to you," said Peter, "The unlearning process is a long one and as such you will need to use every ounce of your brainpower in order to learn how to be stupid.

"But... isn't that a contradictory?" asked Jillian, "Learning how to be stupid is actually making me smarter in a way and-"

"STOP USING LOGIC!!!" shouted Peter angrily.

"I'm sorry, sir!" begged Jillian.

"Now that we've gotten that out of the way, your training can begin," said Peter, "We'll start with a little geography to know where you stand. Now tell me; what is the capital of Rhode Island?"

"Providence," said Jillian.

"WROOOONG!!!" shouted Peter as he punched Jillian.

"Why the hell did you do that?!" asked Meg angrily.

""Because she answered wrong," said Peter, "And by wrong she was actually right when she was supposed to get the answer wrong. Now stand up, Jillian and try it again."

Jillian just lies on the floor unconscious as the other look at her in awkward silence.

"Did I punch you too hard, Jillian?" asked Peter as blood leaked from her nose, "Yeah, I punched you too hard."

A little later in a closet, Peter and the others were tying Jillian down to a chair in front of a TV.

"I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no other choice," said Peter, "We're going to have to force you to watching something so incredibly stupid it will melt your brain."

"And that would be?" asked Jillian.

"An 8 hour Big Brother marathon," said Peter.

"OH MY GOD, NOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Jillian.

"Well, enjoy," said Peter as he walked out of the closet, ignoring Jillian's screams.

8 hours later, Peter and Tilly come back to the closet.

"Okay, we're back, Jillian," said Peter, "So, how are you holding up?"

"The horror," whisper Jillian as her hair had become messy and her eyes had bags under them, "Make it stop! Make it stop!"

"What the hell did you do?" asked Tilly.

"I made her watch a Big Brother marathon," said Peter.

"Grandpa! You were supposed to make her stupid, not catatonic!" shouted Tilly as he untied her, "Mom, are you okay?"

"Tilly, I'm scared!" said Jillian in her normal voice, "What if Big Brother kidnaps me and make me live in that house with those horrible people!"

"Mom, are you okay?" asked Tilly, "Quick, what's the capital of Rhode Island?" asked Tilly.

"Is it... Rhode Island city?" asked Jillian.

"Yes! She's back!" said CJ and Tilly in unison as they hugged each other.

"Wait, did I leave?" asked Jillian, "I hope I went somewhere nice like Florida. But I forgot to bring home a souvenir! That wasn't nice of me."

"It's actually a pretty long story," said Tilly, "Right now, we have to get you back to the Academy for re-testing."

The next day, Jillian, CJ, and Tilly were at the living room of the Griffin home looking at Jillian's test results.

"Wow you did... terrible," said Lois.

"Yeah, this is even worse than the last time you took the test," said Brian.

"Yeah, the test was really really hard so bubbled the answers in the shape of a smiley face," said Jillian, "You must be pretty disappointed, Tilly."

"Are you kidding?" asked Tilly, "I'm glad to be away from that school! And I'm glad you're back to normal."

"I'm glad, too," said Jillian as she got up, "There's just one more thing I need to do."

As she got up, she walked upstairs and into Chris' room where he was doing his homework.

"Oh, hello Jillian," said Chris bitterly, "I'm sorry, but this isn't the Smithsonian if that's what you're looking for."

"Chris, I came here to tell you that I'm sorry," said Jillian, "I shouldn't have yelled at you when I became smarter."

"So how's the academy?" asked Chris.

"I failed the test," said Jillian, "Turns out I'm not a genius anymore. Chris, I want to give us another chance. I was just so stupid for what I did."

"Me too, Jillian," said Chris, "But how will we know it can work?"

"I got us new tickets to see that Adam Sandler movie," said Jillian.

"I love you too," said Chris as they both embraced in a hug.

"Wait, what happened to Julie?" asked Jillian.

"I found out she was cheating on me with another man," said Chris.

Meanwhile at Quagmire's house, Quagmire was lying in bed with Julie.

"That was great. What do you think?" asked Quagmire.

"Hi, I'm Julie!" said Julie.

"I love it when you say that, because it doesn't mean 'no'!" said Quagmire happily.

**End Chapter**


	41. Meg's Breast Friend

_It's been(according to Ander) 5 months since the last chapter of this story, but guess who's finally back? I'll be here to stay, hopefully as I try to address some problems such as Zack's character, although he isn't very prominent in this chapter. The main plot didn't turn out how I wanted but I hope you like this chapter nonetheless. If not, then I hope at least the cutaways are good. On with the chapter._

**Chapter 39: Meg's Breast Friend**

Monday morning at the Quahog preschool center, Maddie was speaking with Stewie, Tilly, and CJ.

"Guys, you'll never guess what I got," said Maddie, "It's the most exciting thing in the world!"

"Oh my gosh! You have the book on the altering of energy and matter?" asked Tilly in excitement.

"...You don't get out much, do you?" asked Maddie.

"Is it a big bag of poo?" laughed CJ.

"Why do you and your dad have a hard on for poo?" asked Maddie.

"Is it the Spice Girls movie?" asked Stewie in excitement before everybody just stared at him, "WHAT?!"

"Okay, I'm just gonna answer before it gets any more awkward," said Maddie, "I have a Sidekick Cell phone!"

"Wow, a Sidekick?" said CJ.

"Where did you get that?" asked Stewie.

"Mr. Swanson gave it to me," said Maddie, "It used to be evidence for an attempted murder case or something."

"And he gave it to you," said Stewie dryly.

"What? The original owner doesn't need it anymore!" said Maddie, "Not that he has any hands left to dial a phone with anyway. This baby has built in wifi, downloadable ringtones, web browsing and even text messaging!"

"Wait, why do cell phones need text messaging when you can just call?" asked Tilly.

"I can make phone calls on this thing?" asked Maddie, "Anyway, I wanna show you the text messaging. I'm gonna text Olivia."

_Maddie: Hay thar Olivia. Im txtng u._

_Olivia: Gr8 2 c u grl._

_Janet: Cke_

"Coke?" asked Maddie, "Why does Janet want Coke?"

_Janet: Cuki_

"Oh! I get it," said Maddie, "She wants to borrow my crayons!"

"Maddie, you know electronics aren't allowed in the classroom," said Mrs. Lockhart as she took the phone away, "I'm confiscating this."

"What? But that's not fair!" complained Maddie, "I just cleaned off the blood stains!"

"Well your parents can come here after school to claim-" said Mrs. Lockhart before noticing a phone, _"Is this a Sidekick?"_ she asked herself, "On second thought, I'm going to keep this just to teach you a lesson," she said as she walked back to her desk.

"That witch!" said Maddie, "Who the hell does she think she is?"

"She's the teacher," said Tilly, "She has full authority over us."

"Whatever. She's not getting away with this," said Maddie, "I want that cellphone back! Tilly, you're brilliant. Help me get revenge."

"Revenge?" asked Tilly, "Revenge is a petty and pitiful action which only leads to the suffering of both sides and-"

"Stewie, you're brilliant. Help me get revenge," said Maddie.

"Why of course," said Stewie, "Revenge is my speciality. Just ask Elizabeth Smart. One day, she cut in front of me in a line at McDonald's. So of course I had to-"

"Don't you dare finish that!" said Tilly, "Do you want this fic deleted?"

"What? I was saying that I made prank calls to her," said Stewie, "I had nothing to do with the kidnapping."

The next day at the house, the kids are setting up a bunch of rockets from the sandbox all facing the west.

"If my calculations are correct, Mrs. Lockhart's house should be facing this way," said Stewie.

"She is so gonna freak!" said CJ.

"It's not too late to turn back, you know," warned Tilly, "I can make you a new cellphone! One with a bunch more useless features like receiving Martian TV!"

"Is it any good?" asked CJ.

"I'm not too sure," said Tilly, "It's pretty strange and I couldn't really understand what anyone was saying... kinda like Telemundo."

"This isn't about the cellphone anymore," said Maddie, "This is about getting even. Anyway, let's shoot some firecrackers!"

Stewie then lights the firecrackers and they shoot into the sky. He looks at the firecrackers from a pair of binoculars.

"They're moving right on course!" said Stewie.

"Let me see!" said Maddie as she grabbed the binoculars, "Oh man, she is gonna be so pissed when those crackers mess up her lawn."

"Wait, firecrackers?" asked Stewie, "You just wanted to piss her off?"

"Yes. Why are you asking me this?" asked Maddie.

"...I thought you wanted to kill her," said Stewie, "Those were heavy explosives."

"Oh shit..." said Maddie.

Suddenly a huge explosion comes from afar as a mushroom cloud fills the sky. Stewie, Tilly, Maddie, and CJ just look at each other for a second in silence and all run off in different directions. Maddie runs upstairs and hides in her toybox. From downstairs the phone rings.

"Hello?" asked Meg as she answered the phone, "Why hello, Mrs. Lockhart... What?... MADDIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!"

"Okay, do I even want to know what she did this time?" asked Zack.

Meg and Zack then walk into Maddie's room and stand in front of the closed toybox.

"Maddie, come out this instance," said Meg sternly.

"No, because you're going to yell at me and get mad," said Maddie from within her toybox.

"Maddie, nobody's going to yell at you or get mad," said Meg.

"Now why would we be mad at you?" asked Zack, "I mean, all you did was make your teacher homeless by blowing up her house and putting us in a potential lawsuit where we could be sued blind. What's to be mad about?"

"I'm going to juvie, aren't I?" asked Maddie from inside the toybox.

"No, but what you did was wrong," said Meg, "Because you destroyed her place, we're going to offer her to stay with us."

"What?! NO!" shouted Maddie as she burst from her toybox, "You can't!"

"Well, she has no place to go," said Zack, "Besides, your mother and I agreed that this would be the best solution."

"But teachers and students should not live together!" explained Maddie.

"What's all this screaming going on here?" asked Lois as she and Peter walked into the room.

"Maddie's protesting on our idea of letting Mrs. Lockhart stay with us," said Zack.

"What's the occasion?" asked Lois.

"Maddie sorta... blew up her house," said Meg.

"Oh my goodness," said Lois in shock, "We should call her immediately."

"I don't know," said Peter, "I mean, have you seen the woman? What if she gives me temptations of cheating? You remember what happened the last time I tried cheating."

**Flashback**

Peter is on the computer playing Team Fortress 2. He was playing as the BLU Heavy, but he sucked since he kept getting blown up over and over again. He gets mad and angrily slams his hands on the keyboard while making childish whining noises. Zack walks by and notices this.

"Damn, you suck," said Zack.

"TBBBBT!" raspberried Peter.

Just then he gets an idea and activates the cheat menu.

"I wouldn't..." warned Zack.

"Nuts to you!" said Peter as he entered the code GODMODE.

"Don't say I didn't warn you," said Zack as he left the room.

Peter then jumps back into his game and becomes an invincible powerhouse, taking out every opposing team member by himself.

"Hehehehe! I pwn you n00bz!" taunted Peter as he continued enjoying himself.

Unbeknownst to Peter, a gray haired, bearded man slowly walked behind him. Peter slowly turns around to see the man who was pointing his finger at him.

"HAAAAAAAAAAAACKS!" shouted Dr. Hax as a computer monitor was flung from nowhere at Peter's head.

(Note: You probably won't get this joke reference if haven't watched The GMOD Idiot Box videos on Youtube.)

**End Flashback**

Later that day, Lois, Peter, Meg, and Zack were leading Mrs. Lockhart to a newly decorated attic.

"This was my old room when I first moved here," said Zack, "It's not much but it should fill your needs nicely."

"I really can't thank you enough for letting me stay," said Mrs. Lockhart.

"Think nothing of it," said Meg.

"Yes, after all, our home is your home," said Lois.

"I wish there was some way I could repay you," said Mrs. Lockhart as she pulled out some money from between her breasts, "It isn't much but it's all I have."

"No no, just put back your money," said Peter as she did so,... back in between her breasts, "On second thought, we'd like that money," he said as she pulled it out, "No, put it back," said Peter, "Now take it out... put it back... take it out... put it back... take it out... put it back..."

"Peter!" growled Lois.

"Besides, you don't have to repay us," said Meg, "We're repaying _you_."

"And we're already both getting something of this," said Zack, "We're giving you a place to stay and you don't press charges. I kid. I kid."

"Speaking of which, where is Maddie?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.

"We're punishing her for what she did," said Zack, "I didn't want to do it, but I needed something to make sure she never does what she did again."

Meanwhile downstairs, Maddie is in the bathroom washing Peter's underwear in the sink.

"Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!" said Maddie in disgust.

Back in the attic...

"Please, you don't have to punish her," said Mrs. Lockhart, "She's only a one year old girl. She probably doesn't know better."

"Oh, then I guess that means I don't have to punish Stewie either," said Peter.

Meanwhile downstairs, Stewie is in the bathroom washing Meg's underwear in the sink.

"Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!" said Stewie in disgust.

Back in the attic...

"Well, I'll call you if I need anything," said Mrs. Lockhart, "And again, thank you."

"Oh and here's the last of your luggage," said Peter as he dragged in a chest.

"Wait, I don't remember having such a big chest," said Mrs. Lockhart confused.

"Which one?" asked Zack, "...That was terrible."

Mrs. Lockhart opens the chest and gasps at the sight of what, or should I say who, was inside.

"Quagmire?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.

"Whoops... Heh... Well, you can't blame a guy for trying," shrugged Quagmire.

The audience began to laugh as the trumpet "Wa wa waaaaaaaaaa" sound played. The screen then fades to black as the Everybody Loves Raymond theme song plays.

"We'll be right back to Everybody Loves Quagmire after these messages," said a TV announcer.

The next morning Lois was making breakfast for the family while Stewie and Maddie were sitting in their high chairs reading the back of a cereal box, playing Where's Waldo.

"Did you find him yet?" asked Maddie.

"No," said Stewie.

"Did you find him yet?" asked Maddie.

"No," said Stewie.

"Did you find him yet?" asked Maddie.

"YES!" said Stewie triumphantly, "...No, it was just a guy wearing a striped sweater."

"WAIT! LOOK!" shouted Maddie.

"Is it Waldo?" asked Stewie.

"Even better!" said Maddie as she turned to the side of the box where there was ad, "We can get a free official Adam West batarang with 5 proofs of purchases plus shipping and handling!"

"Ooh! Just imagine what we could do with such a thing," said Stewie.

**Stewie's Imagination**

In the night red sky, a police blimp with two headlights was looking around the city. Two suspicious men wearing trenchcoats and hats were walking away from the first national Quahog bank. The doors had exploded! The men were using a bomb and were getting away with the loot. Meanwhile inside a cave, the Batmobile revs off out to get the criminals.

On the streets, a police car was chasing the two men through an alleyway. As the car comes to a halt at the dead end, the robbers are gone. They seems to have escaped to the rooftops. It seems as though the men were going to get away scott fee... until a cloaked football headed boy dressed as a bat lands in front of them. He only stares at them with a grim scowl.

The men take out their guns, but Stewie is quick to the draw as he throws out his batarang, disarming the men and hitting one of them in the shin. The man collapse to floor holding onto his shin as his hat rolls off to reveal that he was... Peter.

"Fatman?" asked Stewie.

"SHHHHHH.... AAAAAAHHHHH! SHHHHHHH.... AHHHHHHHH! SHHHHHHH..... AHHHHHHHHH," hissed Peter in pain.

"And end reference," said Quagmire revealing himself to be the other criminal.

**End Imagination**

"What are we waiting for?" asked Maddie as she got off her high chair, "We've got more cereal to eat!"

"But what about Waldo?" asked Stewie as he got off his.

"I'm pretty sure he can find himself. Now let's GO!" said Maddie.

The camera then zooms into the back of the cereal box where Waldo is still lost within the crowd.

"No! I can't find myself! I'm lost!" complained Waldo, "...And lonely..."

Later that afternoon, Jillian was hanging around at the Griffin home watching TV when Chris comes through the door tired.

"Hi, Chris," said Jillian, "I was thinking that tonight we could go dancing or something."

"Sorry Jillian, but I can't," said Chris, "I have so much homework and it'll take me all night just to do it."

"Chris, what is this that I hear about homework?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.

"Oh, hi Mrs. Lockhart," said Chris.

"Oh, Hello Mrs. Lockheartbreaker," mocked Jillian.

"Excuse me?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.

"Nothing," said Jillian.

"I know that we had a bit of... history, but what if I tutor you tonight?" asked Mrs. Lockhart, "Would you like that, Chris?"

"I'd like that a lot!" said Chris.

"Then it's a date," said Mrs. Lockhart.

"Oh, you can hang around too and learn something," said Chris.

"Oh no thanks," said Jillian bitterly, "I don't do threesomes."

As they continue with their conversation, Meg busts through the front door, crying and running into the kitchen.

"Excuse me for a minute," said Mrs. Lockhart as she followed Meg.

In the kitchen, Zack, Peter, and Lois were sitting around Meg who crying for one reason or another.

"What's the matter, honey?" asked Lois.

"Everybody at school was invited to Connie's party except me!" sobbed Meg, "I'm such a big fat loser."

"Well, I'm sure that's not true," said Lois, "I'm sure she didn't invite everybody."

"Mom! Mom! Guess what!" shouted Chris as he ran into the room, "Connie D'amico invited me to her party!"

"Wow, swing and a miss," said Zack.

"Look honey, it'll be alright," said Lois.

"I hate my life and everyone in it!" sobbed Meg.

"I'm sure the party won't be that great anyway," said Lois.

"I wish I would just die!" sobbed Meg.

"Well I... whatever," said Lois as she gave up.

"Meg, forget about stupid Connie and her stupid party," said Zack, "We'll spend the night together. Just you and me, watching a movie together, and cuddling just like we used to."

"Thanks Zack," said Meg as she kissed him, "But I just wanted to actually be with the other kids for once."

"Why don't you let me try talking to her," said Mrs. Lockhart.

"Good luck," said Lois, "You'd have to have as much patience as Zack to even want to be in the same room as her."

"This coming from someone who's married to a shaved gorilla," retorted Zack, "The only difference being that an unshaved gorilla has more maturity and manners."

"Meg, I know what it's like to not be invited to things," said Mrs. Lockhart.

"No you don't," sobbed Meg, "You don't know what it's like to be a loser like me?"

"Actually, I do know what it's like," said Mrs. Lockhart.

"You do?" asked Meg.

"Yes, I do," nodded Mrs. Lockhart, "Believe it or not, Meg, when I was around your age I was just like you. I want to show you something," she said as she pulled a photo from between her breasts, "This was me during my sophomore year."

In her photo, Mrs. Lockhart was flat chested, wore braces, had goofy looking pigtails, and pimples.

"Wow, you looked so... lame," said Meg.

"I know," said Mrs. Lockhart, "I was so lame, I made Millhouse from the Simpsons look like Rick James. I was always picked on by the popular girls because of my nerdy appearance. Do you know what happened?"

"Your breasts somehow grew overnight?" asked Meg.

"No these aren't re- I mean yes!" lied Mrs. Lockhart, "But you know what else happened? I gained confidence. I told myself that I was special whether people liked it or not."

"But I'm not special at all," said Meg.

"It's true," said Lois, "She really isn't."

"Not with that attitude, you're not," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Everyone is special in their own way. You should be able to go into the world and say

and say 'Hey, I'm Meg Griffin! I can go to any party I want!"

"I'm Meg Griffin," said Meg quietly to herself, "I can go to any party I want."

"Say it louder!" shouted Mrs. Lockhart.

"I'm Meg Griffin!" said Meg louder and surer, "I can go to any party I want!"

"Now say it stronger!" shouted Mrs. Lockhart.

"I'M MEG FUCKING GRIFFIN!" shouted Meg, "I CAN GO TO ANY FUCKING PARTY I FUCKING WANT!"

"Okay, a little TOO strong, but you get the idea," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Now, you go out there and show them who you are!"

"Zack, take me to Connie's house!" demanded Meg.

"You're the boss," said Zack as he and Meg left the house, "Wait, did she just say they're fake?"

"I believe she's going to do just fine," said Mrs. Lockhart.

"No... no she won't," said Peter.

A little later, Zack and Meg arrive at the D'amico residence.

"Well, here goes nothing," said Meg, "Wish me luck."

"You do that," said Zack, "Knowing Connie, I'll keep the car running."

Meg then leaves the car and confidently walks up to Connie's door, banging on it very loudly. As Connie opens the door, the sound of loud music and merry time merriment boomed from behind her.

"Well if it isn't Meg Griffin, the only loser we didn't invite because you're that big of a loser," said Connie, "Did you come to become uninvited to a party you weren't invited to in the first place?"

"Listen up, Connie," said Meg sternly, "I'm Meg Griffin and I can go to any party I want so I'm gonna go in there and have fun wether you invited me or not."

"...Congratulations, Meg," said Connie impressed, "You're in."

"And another thing, I- what?" asked Meg in confusion.

"You stood up to me," said Connie, "That was your invitation."

"Wait, you mean all this you've been mean to me is because you wanted me to stand up to you?" asked Meg.

"No, I was being an ass to you before," said Connie, "But I wanted to see if you'd have a backbone this time. Come on in and have fun."

A few hours later, Meg leaves the party and returns to the car where she sees that Zack had fallen asleep on the steering wheel. As soon as he hear Meg shut the door, he bolts right up from his slumber.

"AH! I'm awake!" he said in surprise as he looked at his watch, "What the hell? It took you 3 hours to get rejected for a party?"

"No, Mrs. Lockhart's advice worked!" said Meg, "Connie actually let me in!"

"Really? That's great," said Zack, "Glad to see you actually got something for a change."

"I haven't been this happy since I gave birth to Maddie," said Meg.

**Flashback**

A little over a year ago at the hospital, in the waiting room...

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Meg from the delivery room, "OH MY GOD! NOBODY TOLD ME HAVING A BABY WOULD HURT SO MUCH!"

"Just keep pushing!" said Dr. Hartman from the delivery room.

"YOU DID THIS TO ME!" screamed Meg, "I HATE YOU!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!"

"Meg, just calm down!" said Zack as the sound of him getting hit is heard, "This is just the work of bringing new life."

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT ANYMORE KIDS, YOU HEAR ME?!" screamed Meg as she was throwing things at him, "THIS HURTS SO BAAAAD!"

"GOD! SOMEBODY GET HER SOME MORPHINE!" shouted Zack as more things were thrown at him, "NOW!!!"

**End Flashback **

One week later, the local mail man was doing his routine mail delivery down Spooner Street. He arrives at the Griffin house to deliver their mail, but unbeknownst to him Stewie was hiding in the bushes.

"That's it fool... come a little closer...," said Stewie.

As the mail man steps in front of the mailbox, his leg is suddenly snagged by a rope which quickly pulls his and leaves him dangling over a kiddie pool filled with circling sharks.

"Step into my parlor, said the genius baby to the mailman!" said Stewie menacingly, "So you thought you could outsmart Stewie Griffin, did you? You made a mistake, my friend. A DEADLY mistake!"

"You're Stewie Griffin?" asked the mailman as he tossed him a box, "I ask because I have a package for you."

"Oh my god! The batarang!" said Stewie with joy as he ran into the house, "Maddie, it's here! It's here!"

"You think you can get me down from here, little guy?" asked the mailman as the rope lowered, "...Little guy?"

Inside the house, Maddie was sitting on the couch watching TV as Stewie burst in holding the box in excitement.

"It's finally arrived!" said Stewie, "The batarang that we ordered a week ago after eating 4 boxes of cereal except the 5th because you threw up and I got a sugar induced seizure but we sent it anyway for shipping and handling and waited for days and days and days and days for has finally arrived!"

"At last! Bear witness as we enter a new era, of batarang awesomeness!" said Maddie as she was struggling to open the box.

"You open boxes like a girl, let me try!" said Stewie as he struggled to open the box as well, "C'mon! Open!... I SAID OPEN, DAMN YOU!"

"If I open boxes like a girl, then you open them like an effeminate man!" said Maddie, "5 of them!"

"I think we may have a problem," said Stewie.

"Wait! Give me the box," said Maddie, "I just had a wise idea."

Maddie and Stewie arrive at the D'amico house and ring the doorbell.

"'Ello?" asked Eliza as Maddie slammed the box over her head.

"Well, I'm not one to question the use of unnecessary violence," said Stewie "But, how was that supposed to help us open the box?"

"We were still doing that thing?" asked Maddie.

Later that afternoon as Lois, Peter, Zack, Jillian, and Mrs. Lockhart were watching TV, Meg and Chris come in through the front door.

"Hi kids," said Lois, "How was school today?"

"I actually had a good time," said Meg, "At lunch today-"

"Meg, it's rude to interrupt your brother," said Lois, "Chris, how was school today?"

"It was awesome!" said Chris, "We got a new teacher today."

"Oh really?" asked Jillian bitterly, "Tell me, did she have bigger breasts than mine?"

"...He was a dude," said Chris.

"BREAST PENIS WHATEVER!" shouted Jillian.

"Doesn't anyone want to hear about my day?" asked Meg.

"No," said Peter.

"I do," said Mrs. Lockhart, "How was your day, Meg?"

"It was incredible," said Meg, "When I was walking down the hall, Connie actually said what's up to me without adding lard butt and it's all thanks to you."

"That's wonderful! Isn't that wonderful?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.

"Oh yeah, that's wonderful," said Peter, "...Now people will actually know who she is while they ignore her."

Lois and Peter then snicker at said comment.

"Parent of the year material right here, folks," said Zack sarcastically.

"I also want to mention that tonight I'll be in the school play," said Meg, "We're doing an adaption of Hamlet and guess which part I landed."

"The pig?" asked Peter, "Wait. Hamlet's not about a pig, is it?"

"I got the part of Queen Gertrude," said Meg, "So who's going to come see me?"

"I can't come," said Zack, "I'm stuck working the night shift at the Brewery. And you probably shouldn't bring Maddie, either since Hamlet can be pretty violent. But compared to the stuff she sees on TV, it'll be Sesame Street in comparison."

"Well, maybe mom and dad could come," said Meg.

"..." Lois and Peter just look at Meg in silence.

"I'll be there," said Mrs. Lockhart.

"Really?" asked Meg.

"I'll be in the front row," said Mrs. Lockhart, "You have my support."

"Thank you," said Meg as she hugged her and left.

"Why aren't you two coming to your own daughter's play?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.

"Why would we want to do that?" asked Peter.

"Because she's you daughter," said Mrs. Lockhart, "That's what parents are supposed to do."

"Are you questioning our parenting skills?" asked Lois offended.

"Oh, that's what you call it now?" asked Zack dryly, "And all this time I thought it was blatant negligence. Boy was I wrong."

"What's with all the sarcasm all of a sudden?" asked Peter.

"I'm trying to get my wit back," said Zack, "Something I lost since I starting hanging with you too much."

"Well, knock it off," said Peter, "It's making you look like a bigger jerk than that new guy who hung with us that one night at the bar."

**Flashback**

Peter and his pals were hanging out at the Drunken Clam.

"How about we play a drinking game," said Peter, "All in favor?"

"Aye!" said everyone in the room.

"All opposed?" asked Peter.

Naaaaaaaaaaay!" neighed a horse.

"Alright, you know what?" asked Peter annoyed, "You've been trying to shoot down every idea I've made tonight."

"Yeah, can't you agree on SOMETHING?" asked Quagmire.

"NAAAY! NAAAAAAAY! NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" neighed the horse.

"Just what the hell is your problem, anyway?" asked Peter in an irritated tone.

"I've been telling you drunks for the past 3 hours already!" said Zack, "He's a fucking horse!"

"I know he's a jerk and he's ugly, but there is no need for name calling," said Peter.

"Ugh! I give up!" exasperated Zack as he walked out of the bar, "I don't even know why I bother hanging with you morons!"

"Wow, he sounded ticked," said Joe.

"We'll wait for Zack to cool off," said Peter, "All in favor?"

"Aye!" said everyone in the room.

"All opposed?" asked Peter.

"NAAAAAY!" neighed the horse.

"That's it! You're now the designated driver!" said Peter angrily.

**End Flashback**

Meanwhile at city hall in the mayor's office, Mayor Adam West was in his office doing mayorly things when Stewie and Maddie walk in carrying their box.

"Stewie, Lyla, come in," greeted Mayor West, "What brings you two unsupervised underaged children to my office?"

"Mr. West, we ordered this batarang," said Maddie, "The problem is that we can't open the box."

"Wow, that is a big problem indeed, Tammy," said West.

"We were wondering that since you sponsored it, you'd know how to open it," said Maddie.

"You've come to the right person," said West, "Boxes are a tricky specimen so such in order to open the box, you must outsmart the box."

"What the hell are you babbling about?" asked Stewie, "It's a bloody box for God's sake!"

"That's what it wants you to think with it's unsuspecting 6 sides and 8 corners," said West, "But it's not fooling us for a second, is it?"

"...No?" asked Maddie a little frightened.

"Exactly," said West, "And to outsmart the box, you need to get inside it's mind. You distract it while I sneak up behind it and take it by surprise."

"Um... okay," said Maddie.

Adam West crawls and commando rolls his way across the room and behind the box. He slowly sneaks up behind it and...

"BOO!" shouted West as the box- did absolutely nothing, "...Well, I've got nothing."

"Well, thanks anyway Mr. West," said Maddie as she and Stewie grabbed their box and left.

"And people voted for that man?" asked Stewie in disgust.

"It's still a smarter decision than voting for Bush," said Maddie.

Later that night, Lois and Peter were sitting on the couch watching TV again as Meg and Mrs. Lockhart walk into the house, discussing the play.

"You were wonderful, Meg," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Simply wonderful."

"So how goes the... thing?" asked Lois.

"Meg was great," said Mrs. Lockhart, "At first she wasn't doing well until she saw me in the front row. She seemed to have gained some confidence because I showed up. And she's a pretty good actress, too."

"Mrs. Lockhart gave me some acting tips," said Meg, "She taught me how I could use my bulimia to vomit blood. It made my death scene look much more realistic."

"You died in the play?" asked Peter, "Aaaawwww. I wanted to see Meg die in the play."

"Her? But why didn't you ask me?" asked Lois, "I directed for the theater once."

"Because when I did, you and dad just pointed and laughed at me," said Meg, "But Mrs. Lockhart was a good teacher. Anyway, I'm going to bed."

Meg and Mrs. Lockhart walk upstairs to their bedrooms as Brian walks downstairs into the living room.

"Interesting," said Brian.

"What do you mean by that?" asked Lois.

"Meg seems to be doing better with Mrs. Lockhart. You could say that she's being a better parent to her than you," said Brian, "...Of course that isn't hard."

"What was that?" asked Lois.

"Nothing," said Brian, "Zack said it. Him making one of his smartass quips again."

"Zack is at work," said Lois.

"Well, would you look at the time!" said Brian, "I'm gonna go sleep in Stewie's room, goodnight!"

Later that night in the dead of the night, Lois begins to toss and turn in her bed mumbling something under her breath. When she slowly opens her eyes, she finds that she's suddenly outside in a desert. Confused, she tried to move, but can't. She turns to see that she's tied up on what appeared to be a catapult.

"What's going on here?" asked Lois in a panic.

"The catapult's almost ready, mother," said Meg.

"Excellent, Megan," said Mrs. Lockhart.

"Wait, what's going on?" asked Lois.

"We're getting rid of you, Lois," said Meg, "Mrs. Lockhart is my mother now.

"Meg, you can't do this to me!" pleaded Lois, "_I'm_ your mother!"

"Oh please," said Meg, "Lana here has been more of a mother to me in a week than you have in the past 4 seasons!"

"The catapult is ready, Megan," said Mrs. Lockhart.

"Thanks mom," said Meg, "Goodbye, Lois!"

"MEG! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Lois as Meg cut the rope, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!"

Lois then found herself in the comfort of her own bed in a cold sweat. It had all just been a dream. A horrible, horrible dream. The next morning, Lois talks to Brian, Zack, and Peter about her dream.

"Wow, that's pretty intense," said Brian.

"What do you think it could mean?" asked Lois.

"I don't know," said Peter, "But your dream sounds even freakier than the time I thought I died,"

**Flashback**

Peter and Brian were at the breakfast table one morning. Peter was reading the newspaper, when he suddenly starts freaking out.

"Oh my God, Brian! I'm dead!" shouted Peter in horror.

"Peter, that's Peter Q. Griffin from Ohio," said Brian as he read the obituaries.

"Oh," said Peter as he continued to read the paper.

**End Flashback**

"I'm not a dream interpreter by any means," said Brian, "But I think it may have to do with Mrs. Lockhart and Meg spending more time together. It may be jealousy."

"You're saying I'm jealous of Mrs. Lockhart?" asked Lois, "Why? I mean, it's just Meg."

"Lois, it's kind of like when a kid doesn't play with his toy anymore," said Zack, "But when another kid comes in to play with it, the kid who doesn't play with it suddenly says 'You can't play with that because it's mine'."

"My situation is nothing like that," said Lois.

"You weren't this jealous until Mrs. Lockhart showed up," pointed out Zack, "What about when you gave up on helping Meg's social problem? What about how you didn't show up to Meg's play?"

"You didn't, either," said Lois.

"But I had an excuse," said Zack, "I was working and you just didn't want to show up."

"Well, what do I do about it?" asked Lois.

"Maybe you could try being a better mother to Meg," said Brian, "Try doing something that only you two can do together."

"But do it because you want to," said Zack, "Not because you want to one up Mrs. Lockhart, but because you actually love and care for Meg."

"But how? Everything Meg does is boring and depressing," said Lois as Zack arched an eyebrow, "Now I'm getting what you're saying."

Later that day in the living room, Meg was sitting in the living room watching TV when Lois comes in and sits down next to her.

"Mom, what are you doing?" asked Meg.

"What? Can't I, your mother, watch TV with my own daughter?" asked Lois.

"It's a free country," shrugged Meg.

"So what are we watching?" asked Lois.

"The 40 Year Old Virgin," said Meg.

"Oooh, the 40 Year Old Virgin," said Lois, "So you like this movie?"

"Sure, I guess," shrugged Meg.

"You know what would be fun?" asked Lois, "If we both did the 'You know how I know you're gay' scene."

"No thanks," said Meg.

"C'mon, don't be such a wet blanket," said Lois.

"I'm trying to watch the movie," said Meg.

"You know how I know you're gay?" asked Lois.

"Mom, I can't hear the movie!" complained Meg.

"I know you're gay because you think about Connie a lot," chuckled Lois, "Okay, now your turn.

"Mom?" asked Meg.

"Yes, Meg?" asked Lois.

"Shut up," said Meg.

"Okay, Meg, I'm ready," said Mrs. Lockhart.

Much to Lois's shock and horror, Mrs. Lockhart was wearing the same green shirt, beige pants, and shoes that Lois wore. It was like looking in a mirror. A funhouse mirror that had funbags and blonde hair.

"Are those my clothes?" asked Lois.

"I hope you don't mind me borrowing your clothes," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Mine are in the washer."

"No, not at all," said Lois irritated, "Not at all. Where are you going?"

"Mrs. Lockhart is taking me to Lake Quahog to pick some apples," said Meg, "She knows this really great spot that has the best apples."

"I always promised myself that if I had kids, I'd take them there someday," said Mrs. Lockhart, "But since I don't have any, Meg is the closest thing really."

"Well... I'm coming along, too," said Lois.

"You can't!" said Meg panicky, "I mean, it was just gonna be me and Mrs. Lockhart."

"What, you can't let you own MOTHER be around to help you pick apples?" asked Lois.

"I suppose she's right," said Mrs. Lockhart, "She is your mother, after all."

"Fine, just let me get my stuff," said Meg in a disappointed tone.

As she leaves the room to go upstairs, Brian walks past her into the room and then stops to notice that both Mrs. Lockhart and Lois standing next to each other wearing the same clothes.

"Uhh..." said Brian in shock.

"Is something wrong Brian?" asked Lois.

"Um, no!" said Brian, "In fact everything's perfect. Mind if I take a picture of you two."

"Sure, I guess," said Lois.

Both Lois and Mrs. Lockhart pose as Brian takes a snapshot.

"Now can you both fondle each other while French kissing?" asked Brian.

"What?" asked Mrs. Lockhart.

"Nothing," said Brian quickly.

Meanwhile at Jillian's apartment, Maddie and Stewie were inside Tilly and CJ's room explaining their dilemma.

"So you can't open a box," said Tilly, "And you decided to come to me for help."

"No, we came here because we decided to take up incest and needed a third- OF COURSE WE CAME FOR HELP!" shouted Stewie.

"Can you open it, Till?" asked Maddie.

"That box won't stand a chance against my new laser," said Tilly as she propped the box onto a table, "Goggles on."

As the children put on their goggles, Tilly gives CJ the signal to throw the switch. As he does so, a laser beam hits the box. After a few seconds, nothing happens.

"It's not working!" said CJ.

"Increase the laser frequency to 1000 Hz," said Tilly.

"But cap'n, I don't think she can take!" shouted CJ in a Scottish accent.

"I SAID DO IT!" shouted Tilly.

As CJ does so, the laser begins to shake violently until it explodes.

"...Told you she couldn't take it," said CJ.

"No matter," said Tilly, "We still have thousands of tools at our disposal.

One hour latter, many broken and battered tools such as a hacksaw, a robot, and other inventions laid strewn on the floor. Tilly was beginning to become frustrated at the constant failure.

"I don't understand this at all!" said Tilly in frustration, "I have an IQ of 300! I can build cloners, dimensional gateways, gene splicers, molecule shifters, and a handheld atom splitter! I can calculate the next 50 lunar eclipses just by looking at the position of a full moon in the night sky! WHY CAN'T I OPEN A STUPID BOX WITH CHEAP DOLLAR STORE PACKAGING TAPE ON IT?!?!"

"Tilly, just calm down!" said Stewie.

"NO! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" shouted Tilly as she grabbed a bat and started beating the box repeatedly, "I. HATE. THIS. STUPID. BOX. I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!"

"Wow, I think Tilly lost it," said Maddie, "It's scaring me."

"I know said Stewie," said Stewie, "She's scaring me more than that Charlie Brown Halloween Special."

**Cutaway**

In a dark pumpkin patch, Linus and the rest of the Peanuts gang were once again waiting for the Great Pumpkin to show up.

"Linus, you blockhead," complained Lucy, "Every year it's the same thing. If I wanted to be disappointed, I'd french kiss Charlie Brown."

"Look! There he is!" shouted Linus pointing to the pumpkin patch, "There he is! The great pumpkin!"

Far into the pumpkin patch, a shadowy figure was slowly rising from the pumpkin patch. The figure, however, was just old man Herbert wearing a pumpkin mask.

"That's right kids. I'm the Great Pumpkin," said Herbert, "Now if you boys would do so kindly as to follow me into that shack, I'll give you lots of presents."

"YAAAAAAAAAY!" shouted the boys as they followed Herbert into the shack.

"Why didn't he invite the girls?" asked Sally confused.

**End Cutaway**

Meanwhile at the woods near Lake Quahog, the girls were in the woods near the lake, picking apples from an apple tree.

"These apples are so ripe" observed Meg, "How do you know about these apple trees?"

"Yes, oh big breasted one," said Lois dryly, "Tell us."

"When I was little girl I came here to pick apples," said Mrs. Lockhart, "I'd collect them and use them to bake a pie for my mother."

"Well, I think I know who I'll be baking a pie for," said Meg.

"Grrrr!" growled Lois as she angrily tosses an apple at Mrs. Lockhart's direction.

The apple, however, hits Meg smack dab on the eye causing her glasses to fly off and giving her a black eye in the process.

"OW!!! What the hell's wrong with you?!" said Meg as she held onto her eye.

"Oh my God! I'm sorry, Meg," said Lois, "I guess you could say you're the apple of my eye?"

"Not funny!" said Meg.

"C'mon, Meg," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Let's get the first aid kit."

"Thanks, Mrs. Lockhart," said Meg gratefully.

"I give up," said Lois in defeat, "No matter what I do, Mrs. Lockhart makes me look bad. She's stolen Meg from me like how Bob the Builder's job was stolen by that illegal immigrant."

**Cutaway**

At a construction site, Bob the builder was doing some work on his bulldozer.

"Can we fix it?" asked Bob the builder.

"Yes we can!" said his bulldozer.

"Bob, can you come here for a second?" asked the foreman.

"What's going on?" asked Bob.

"Listen... um, we can't afford to keep you here," said the foreman.

"Wha... what do you mean?" asked Bob.

"You and your tools are out of here," said the Foreman, "We just can't afford to keep you with this economy and everything. Besides, we gave your job to someone else."

"Who?" asked Bob.

"Hola," said Handy Manny as he walked in with his toolbox.

"He just came from Mexico. He's good for the increasing Hispanic community," said the foreman, "He also comes with his own tools and works for less."

"Mexico, huh?" asked Bob, "Can I see his green card."

"SECURITY!" shouted the foreman.

"No! No! I wanna see this guy's green card!" shouted Bob as he was being dragged away by security.

**End Cutaway**

Meanwhile in Stewie and Maddie's room, both toddlers just look on sadly at the box. Feeling a mixture of frustration, anger, and sadness, Maddie tosses the box out the window. When she does so, a faint thud noise could be heard.

"Ow!" said Brian from outside.

He walks upstairs and into their room with one hand on the box and one hand on his bruised head.

"I believe this is yours?" asked Brian.

"Get that accursed thing away from us," said Stewie in anger and despair, "It only serves as a reminder that mocks us of it's batarang awesomeness."

"Just what's going on here anyway?" asked Brian.

"We sent in 5 proofs of purchases plus shipping and handling for a batarang," whimpered Maddie, "But we can't get the box open. We tried asking Mr. West and Tilly but they couldn't and now we're stuck with a box will never ever open WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she sobbed loudly.

"I... just... wanted... to... play... with... my... batarang... WAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!" sobbed Stewie.

As both children cried very loudly, Brian quietly pulls out a small pocket knife, cuts the tape off, opens the box and tosses the kids their batarang.

"Go nuts," said Brian as he tosses the box away and leaves the room.

Stewie and Maddie wipe the tears from their eyes and look at the batarang in all it's batty glory.

"BATARANG!" shouted Stewie and Maddie with glee.

They then take their newfound batarang and run downstairs and to the backyard.

"Let's see what this baby can do!" said Stewie triumphantly.

He gives the batarang a good toss and as it spins across the air, it quickly slams against a tree and breaks in two. The children could only stare in shock. The item for which they waited a week for, which took them days to just open, had broken in front of them.

"..The piece of shit broke!" complained Stewie.

Maddie then looks on and takes a closer look at the batarang.

"This thing's made of cheap plastic!" said Maddie, "I risked giving myself diabetes for this piece of crap?"

"Un fucking believable," said Stewie.

"Hell, if my baby teeth had grown in, the dentists would have a field day at the sight of my mouth," complained Maddie, "That's how much friggin' cereal I ate!"

"I suppose this has taught us a valuable lesson," said Stewie, "From now on I am never going to order anything from a cereal box ever again."

"Me neither," said Maddie as a discarded cereal box caught her eye, "Hey look! If we can submit 6 proofs of purchase plus shipping and handling, we can get a free Green Lantern ring!"

"What are we waiting for?" asked Stewie, "Clip the bar code so we only have to get 5 more boxes!"

Meanwhile upstairs in Lois' bedroom, Lois is going through an old family album. She flips through many pictures of Meg, including her baby pictures, her child pictures and some recent pictures. She looks through some family photos, but notices that Meg has been vandalized on it with a speech bubble that states "I suck. Peter rulez.".

"I'm having my photos laminated from now on," said Lois to herself.

Downstairs, everyone else was saying goodbye to Mrs. Lockhart.

"Good luck with your new house, Mrs. Lockhart," said Maddie, "I promise I won't blow up this one."

"I'm sure you won't," chuckled Mrs. Lockhart.

"Goodbye, Mrs. Lockhart," said Meg, "And thanks for helping me."

"Just remember to take care of yourself, alright?" asked Mrs. Lockhart as she got into her car and drove away.

"I'm gonna miss those boobs," said Peter, "I mean that teacher."

A little bit later, Lois was sitting in the living room watching TV when Meg walks up to her holding a pie.

"Nice pie," said Lois, "I suppose you're going to give it to your new mother Mrs. Lockhart. I can't believe 14 years of parenting all down the drain to some blonde with-"

"Mom, this pie is for you," said Meg, "...And I'm 17!"

"For me?" asked Lois confused, "Why me? I mean, I kept messing up and Mrs. Lockhart was acting like a better mother than me."

"Mrs. Lockhart is a pretty good mother figure," said Meg, "But she isn't my mother. I wanted her to take me to get apples so I could make YOU a pie."

"Come again?" asked Lois.

"Mrs. Lockhart reminded me of you," said Meg, "Before things changed. How you were always there for me, how much you loved and cared about me."

"I guess I have been giving into Peter's peer pressure lately," said Lois, "I guess he really is a bad influence. Just look at what he did to Zack. Maybe we can try to get our relationship on the right foot again."

"I love you, mom," said Meg as she hugged her.

"I uhhhh you..." said Lois before she stopped and thought for a moment, "I love you too, sweetie."

Meg smiled after hearing that. It seemed that Meg was no longer the butt monkey, at least in Lois's eyes anymore. To celebrate, they both decided to have some of her apple pie.

"Wow, Meg," said Lois, "This is some really good pie."

"You know how I know you're gay?" asked Meg.

"How?" asked Lois.

"You like eating your daughter's pie," said Meg.

"You wanna know how I know you're gay?" asked Lois.

"How?" asked Meg.

"You're always wearing a hat," said Lois

"You know how I know you're gay?" asked Meg.

"How?" asked Lois.

"When you were invited in a threesome and they warned you that you'd touch another girl, you said yes anyway," said Meg.

"...One time that happened," said Lois.

**End Chapter.**


	42. The Obligatory Zombie Chapter

**Chapter 40: The Obligatory Zombie Chapter**

The day started just like any other seemingly normal fall afternoon. The family had all gathered in the living room watching TV when their show is suddenly interrupted by what was claimed to be very important news.

**Cutaway to TV**

"We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news," said Tom, "During last night's unexpected meteor shower, one the meteors have unexpectedly crashed into the town graveyard."

"Scientists are studying the meteorite to determine its origin," said Diane, "They believe it may hold the key to the existence of aliens. Isn't that amazing, Tom?"

"It sure is, Diane," said Tom, "Maybe the aliens will actually find you attractive."

"Well, maybe the aliens will actually birth you a son that ISN'T a total freak," countered Diane.

"That was a low blow..." growled Tom.

**End Cutaway**

"Aliens..." chuckled Lois, "Can you believe that?"

"Yeah, Aliens only exist in science fiction and Mexico," said Peter.

"I don't know," said Brian, "It's a vast and endless universe out there."

"Brian's right," said Zack, "There are millions of planets out there. At least one of them is bound to have life on them."

"Oh yeah?" challenged Peter, "If there's life on other planets, how come they haven't discovered _us_?"

"I'unno," shrugged Maddie, "Maybe they don't want to?"

"Dad, haven't you watched a Sci-Fi movie before?" asked Meg, "You know what humans will do to anything that's different."

**Cutaway**

Somewhere in a big city, an alien spaceship slowly descends in the middle of the street. People all gather around the spaceship as a door opens and several aliens step out.

"Greetings," said the alien, "We come in peace."

"That's great," said a man, "And we can offer you peace as well... if you follow Jesus."

"Back off! I saw him first!" said an Indian woman as she shoved the Christian away, "You should follow Hinduism instead. You get to be reincarnated."

"No, join my religion!" said a Buddhist monk, "You will achieve enlightenment."

"Join my religion!" said the Christian, "You won't go to Hell!"

"Join my religion," said Mort, "There is some persecution, but you get to have Batmizva's, wear a cool hat, and say funny words like Mazel Tov and Alter Kocker."

The people then begin beating each other up over each other's religion.

"This concept of religion is insane!" said the aliens, "Let us get out of here!"

And with that, the aliens board back onto their ship and proceed to get the hell out of there.

**End Cutaway**

"I'm gonna call Tilly about this," said Maddie, "She usually loves this kind of sciencey stuff."

"Does she, really?" asked Lois.

"She was up all night last night watching the meteor shower," said Maddie, "She'll probably want to collect some samples from the fallen meteorite."

"You know, it isn't normal for a girl her age to play with science," said Lois, "She should be playing with toys and imaginary friends, not making time machines and particle accelerators."

"No way, Lois," said Peter, "Imaginary friends are nothing but trouble. I had an imaginary friend once. He beat me up, stole my lunch money and told a girl I liked that I was gay. Some friend he turned out to be!"

"Word of advise," said Zack, "When you become an organ donor, don't bother giving up these two organs: your liver, and your brain."

Later that night at the Quahog Cemetery Maddie, Cody, Stewie, Tilly, and CJ were sneaking around, looking for the fallen meteorite.

"Tell us again why you dragged us all to the cemetery in the dead of the night?" asked Stewie.

"Because I want to get a sample of that meteorite," said Tilly, "And this is the only chance I'll get it without all those news hounds and scientists in the way."

"I hate graveyards," shivered Maddie, "They give me the creeps."

"Graveyards are pretty scary, huh?" asked Cody.

"Yeah, they are," nodded Maddie.

"But are they as scary as One Handed Jim with a HOOK FOR A HAND?!" shouted Cody as he pulled out a hook.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" screamed Maddie to the top of her lungs.

"Oh, again with the hook for a hand," said Stewie, "That is so 1st grader stuff."

"Wow, look at these tombstones," said CJ, "A lot of people seem to die in Quahog. Here Lies Joan Quagmire. Here Lies Big Fat Pauley. Here Lies Francis Griffin. Here Lies Mr. Weed. Here Lies Frank Murdock. Here Lies The Vaudeville Guys. Here Lies... Human Brian?"

"Interesting. Here lies Kevin Swanson?" asked Maddie as she read a tombstone, "Kevin's dead? I didn't even know he was sick."

"He wasn't," said Stewie, "He died in Iraq."

"Really?" asked Maddie, "Iraq? Wow, what a lazy sendoff."

"I found it!" shouted Tilly, pointing to a rather large meteorite lodged into the ground, "Hand me my automatic drill."

"You mean the thingy that looks like a dildo?" asked Cody.

"It is most certainly NOT a thingy that looks like a dildo," said Tilly as she grabs the automatic drill, which kinda looked like a penis and drills into the rock.

"Wow, look at it penetrate," said Stewie, "You sure you didn't make it that way on purpose?"

"Just shut up and put these pieces of meteorite in the bag," said Tilly.

The kids then fill the bag up with pieces of the meteorite. Suddenly, glowing green goo was starting to drip and run from the hole Tilly had made.

"Did you just give that meteorite an orgasm?" asked Cody.

"Enough with the innuendoes!" said Tilly, "When the meteor came into contact within our atmosphere, the insides started to heat up and liquefy."

"Aren't you going to take some of it?" asked Maddie, "You know, for research?"

"It's radiated," said Tilly, "Besides, I only wanted the exterior. Now let's head out."

"I just had a thought," said CJ.

"Congratulations," said Maddie.

"What if it that stuff seeps into the cemetery?" asked CJ.

"There's nothing to worry about," said Tilly, "It's not like the dead can get sick or anything."

Meanwhile as the children leave the cemetery, two grave robbers, a short man and a tall man, walk in.

"Here he is," said the tall grave robber as they stop by Kevin's grave, "Kevin Swanson."

"Why are we digging up his grave again?" asked the short grave robber.

"Because he was the son of a cop," said the short grave robber, "You know how cops are rich. They take bribes, steal crack and cocaine evidence, you know."

"But isn't Joe Swanson crippled?" asked the short money.

"Maybe they gave him pity money! Just shut up and help me dig," said the tall grave robber.

"I dunno, man," said the short grave robber, "You heard about that meteorite in the news. What if it's still radiating some of that radiation stuff?"

"You worry too much," said the tall grave robber, "It's not like it could raise the dead."

Then without any warning whatsoever, a pale hand rises from Kevin's grave and grabs the tall robber's leg.

"DON'T YOU EVER GET TIRED OF BEING WRONG?" asked the short grave robber.

"SOMETIMES!" screamed the short grave robber as their screams, and the sounds of tearing flesh filled the graveyard.

The very next day at the Pawtucket Brewery, Zack Murdock was dashing his way through the corridors and into the shipping office where he stops to catch his breath.

"Thank God you go here on time!" said Peter.

"Okay..." panted Zack in between breaths, "What was it that you wanted to tell me so bad."

"You have to see this. This turn of events will both shock and astound you!" said Peter as he grabbed a notebook, "I just learned that if you arrange Lois's name you get soil!"

"...Okay, but what about the important thing you called me for?" asked Zack, "You know, the one you said that was urgent and couldn't wait another minute so I had to get off the phone with the mayor who was ordering an important shipment of beers?"

"Soil? As in soil your pants?" laughed Peter, "It's hilarious."

Zack could feel the blood boiling in his veins as he balled up his fist tightly, trying to keep himself from exploding into a fury of a thousand suns.

"Wow, Peter, thanks for such useful information," said Zack calmly, "Who needs to complete a shipping order for the mayor that could give the leverage for a much needed promotion when I can know that rearranging Lois's name spells freaking soil? Genius! God I need a drink"

As Zack walks down the hall to the water cooler, Opie the retarded co-worker, walks right past him. Something was different about him, but Zack couldn't put his mind on it.

"Blaladlaldal Braaaaaaains..." groaned Opie as he walked past them.

"Does Opie seem a little more retarded than usual?" asked Zack.

As Peter takes a look, he sees that Opie's skin is a bluish pale and was dragging his left foot as he walked down the hall.

"Seems about the same to me," said Peter.

"You mean you don't notice the limping and the bluish pale skin?" asked Zack, "It seems like he's dead from the neck up AND down today. He's groaning the word brains like a z-"

"You're worrying too much," interrupted Peter.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! HELP ME!!!" screamed a man.

Zack turns and sees Opie viciously biting a co-worker's arm clean off.

"Peter! Opie's lost it!" shouted Zack, "He's biting someone!"

"Nah, Opie always does that," said Peter.

"But there's blood everywhere!" said Zack.

"He'll get tired eventually," said Peter, "Anyway, our shift's over. See you tomorrow Angela."

As Angela walks in, she too was sporting a bluish pale skin, drooling, and groaning.

"Braaaaaaains..." groaned Angela, "Shipping repooooooorts... braaaaaaains...."

"Something strange is definitely going on here," said Zack as he and Peter were leaving.

"You know what your problem is?" asked Peter, "You worry too much. You worry more than Lois over the littlest things"

**Flashback**

A few weeks ago at home...

"Peter, I really really REALLY don't think you should be going to the zoo wearing that," said Lois.

"Pfft, who died and made you the fashion police?" asked Peter as he left wearing pants made entirely of meat.

**End Flashback**

Meanwhile at the Swanson house, someone is pounding on the door furiously.

"Just a minute," said Bonnie as she opened the door. To her shock, there stood her son Kevin who was pale and drooling, "Oh my god! Kevin?"

"Kevin? You're alive?" asked Joe as he wheeled into the room, "But that's not possible! You died in Iraq!"

"It's a miracle!" said Bonnie, "Our son has returned."

"Braaaaaaaaains..." groaned Kevin as his lower jaw fell off.

"I know it's strange to see your mom not pregnant anymore, but you shouldn't drop you jaw to the floor," said Joe nonchalantly as his eyes then went wide with horror, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

Later at home, Maddie and Stewie were playing with coloring books as Brian was sitting on the sofa watching the news.

**Cutaway to TV**

"Reports are coming from all over town that zombies are attacking," said Tom, "Zombies... Can you believe such a crackpot story, Diane?"

"GET THEM OFF ME!" shrieked Diane as she was dragged under the desk by zombies.

"You should be flattered, Diane," said Tom, "Normally guys don't grope you because you're such a cow. Anyway, let's go with Ollie with the weather. Ollie?

Over at the green screen, Ollie was being bitten and eaten by zombies.

"HELP MEEEE!" screamed Ollie.

"Thank you Ollie," said Tom.

"Why does the black guy always die first?" asked Ollie in pain, "Ya'll is racist!"

A now zombified Diane Simmons rose from underneath the desk and started gnawing on Tom's shoulder.

"Braaaaaaains," groaned Diane.

"Um, Mr. Tucker?" asked the camera, "Ms. Simmons is gnawing on your shoulder."

"Oh, she's probably just horny," said Tom as Diane angrily bit Tom's shoulder hard, "OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!"

The screen then blanks out into color bars with a long beep noise.

**End Cutaway**

"Zombies?" said Brian.

"Must be a slow news day," shrugged Maddie.

"You know how frat boys get their pranks on TV," said Stewie, "Alien invaders... Mole men are attacking... rape stories..."

Suddenly, Meg and Chris run into the house and slam the door shut. Lois walks into the room and notices them catching their breaths.

"What on earth happened?" asked Lois.

"The weirdest thing happened at school today," said Meg, "The kids at school were acting really weird. For no reason whatsoever, they attacked me!"

"Meg, you shouldn't let what other kids do get to you," said Lois.

"No, they attacked both me AND Chris!" said Meg.

"It's true!" said Chris, "They were limping and dragging themselves while moaning out the word brains! They were like- like-"

"Zombies?" asked Brian.

"Zombies," chuckled Lois, "Now that's just absurd. There are no such thing as the walking dead. Next you'll be telling me how other monsters exist such as vampires and werewolves and child molesters."

At that very moment, someone starts knocking on the door frantically. As Lois opens the door, Jillian, Tilly, and CJ force their way inside and quickly locks the door.

"What's going on here?" asked Jillian.

"Shhh..." shushed Jillian, "I just learned something horrible."

"What? What is it?" asked Zack as he and Peter entered the room.

"When you rearrange Lois's name you get soil," said Jillian.

"...Well that's 3 seconds I'm not getting back," said Zack.

"Oh, and everybody's a zombie," said CJ.

"What, now that's absurd," said Lois.

"Take a look outside for yourself if you don't believe me," said Tilly.

As Lois looks outside she sees zombies walking and dragging themselves through the neighborhood. She also sees old man Herbert being attacked by zombie children.

"Oh nooooo," said Herbert in fake horror, "I hope the zombie children don't get me."

She turns to Quagmire's house and notices zombie women walking into his house.

"Ladies, no need to fight," said Quagmire, "Just come a little closer... yeah... hey a little gnawing... that's kinda sexy... OH GOD! OH GOD! GET OFF ME! AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"

"Oh my god! The zombies are real!" said Lois in shock.

"I knew it!" said Zack, "I knew something was up with Opie and Angela!"

"And the kids at school were really zombies," said Chris.

"But that's impossible," said Lois, "The dead can't be raised."

"That's what I thought at first until I discovered something important from my meteorite piece," said Tilly "The meteorite picked up radiation upon re-entry."

"Is that why there are zombies?" asked Lois.

"Partially," said Tilly, "I believe that the radiation, plus the various greenhouse gases in the atmosphere may have triggered a chemical reaction in the meteorite, giving birth to a new compound. When that compound came into contact with the corpses in the graveyard, the decaying tissues and organs were partially restored, giving rise to the zombies or 'the walking dead' if you prefer."

"And let me guess," said Zack, "That's not the worst of it, right?"

"Correct," said Tilly, "The zombies themselves are infectious. If they bite you, you become a zombie as well, hence the city being overrun by zombies."

"Dad, are we gonna die?" asked Chris.

"No, because I have a plan," whispered Peter, "We all sneak out and leave Meg. And while the zombies are busy eating her, we make our escape."

"WHAT?" asked Meg angrily.

"It's for the greater good!" said Peter.

"Fuck that!" said Zack, "I'm getting my shotgun"

"What good will a shotgun do?" asked Lois, "They're already dead!"

"Zombie killing 101: A zombie can't function if it's head is blown off," said Zack "I'll get my shotgun while the rest of you board up the doors and windows."

The family then get to work on boarding up the doors and windows of the house.

"Mom, I'm scared..." said Maddie, "This is like some horrible nightmare. I don't want to be torn apart by the living impaired."

"I won't let those zombies hurt you," said Meg as she hugged her daughter tightly.

"And I won't let those zombies hurt either of you," said Zack as he cocked his shotgun, "Alright, how's the boarding up coming along."

"And we're done," said Peter as he finished boarding up the front door... with another door.

"Peter, you boarded the door with another door?" asked Brian.

"Yup," said Peter.

"Let me guess, the door you used was the back door," said Zack.

"Yup," said Peter.

"So, you boarded the front door with the back door," said Zack.

"Yup. Pretty ingenious, huh?" asked Peter.

"And you were worried he'd screw up," said Brian dryly.

"Yeah, what was I thinking?" asked Zack dryly.

All of a sudden, Raven breaks through the door, groaning and limping. Zack then picks up his shotgun and aims it at her head.

"AAAAAH! IT'S A ZOMBIE! KILL IT!" screamed Chris.

"Don't shoot! I'm not a zombie!" screamed Raven, "I'm Meg's friend!"

"AAAAAH! IT'S MEG'S FRIEND! KILL IT!" screamed Chris.

"Raven?" asked Meg, "You're still normal!"

"So you're not infected?" asked Lois.

"The other zombies thought I was one of them," said Raven, "Being goth, rocks."

"Then why the hell were you moaning and limping like a zombie?" asked Peter.

"I just threw my entire body through a boarded door," said Raven, "What do I look like? Superman?"

"Alright, let's re-barricade the door," said Zack, "And let's NOT potentially endanger ourselves this time."

As they began to barricade the door, frantic knocking could be heard from the other side.

"What was that?" asked Lois.

"Think it could be a zombie?" asked Chris.

"Only one way to be sure... Who is it?" asked Peter in falsetto.

"Let me in!" screamed Tricia Takanawa from outside, "For the love of God, let me in!"

"I dunno," said Peter, "It's already pretty crowded and you're an expendable minority..."

"The zombies are coming closer! PLEASE!" begged Tricia.

"What do we get in return if we save you?" asked Peter.

"Umm... Me love you long time?" asked Tricia.

"Long time, huh?" asked Peter, "I better ask Lois and see how she feels about threesomes."

"PETER!" shouted Lois angrily.

"Nope, sorry. Guess you're screwed," said Peter.

"Oh, for the love of..." said Zack as he opened the door to let Tricia in.

"How did you survive?" asked Brian, "The news crew was killed. I saw it on TV."

"It's because she's Chinese food," said Peter, "They'll just get hungrier."

"I'm Japanese!" said Tricia offended, "And I was doing a live story away from the studio when it happened. When I saw the zombies, I ran to the nearest house which was this one."

"We may very well be the last survivors of Quahog," said Meg.

"Hah! And you all said Zombie Apocalypse Insurance was stupid," said Peter as he dialed the phone, "Hello? Hello? Insurance agency?"

On the other line, all that could be heard was groaning zombies.

"Yeah, money well spent," said Zack, "Zombie Apocalypse Insurance isn't really useful when everybody's dead, dumbass. What are you gonna take up next? End of the world insurance?"

"Of course not. Don't be silly," said Peter as he pushed aside forms for end of the world insurance.

"We can't stay holed up here forever!" said Lois.

"Yeah, I kinda figured that part out when the zombies started breaking through," said CJ.

As if right on cue, the zombies starting breaking the windows and tearing through the door. All the zombies were the former residents of Quahog including, but not limited to Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Horace, and Valarie.

"Oh my God," said Lois, "Everyone we know and hold dear to have become flesh eating zombies. This is the worst thing to happen to us since... since... Oh I'm so mortified by this turn of events that I can't think of anything!"

"Without a cutaway, we'll have to make do with something else," said Peter, "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty."

A zombie Conway Twitty appears from nowhere and begins strumming his guitar. As he's about to sing, Zack blows his head clean off his shoulders.

"WHAT THE HELL?" screamed Peter.

"Had to be done," shrugged Zack.

"Come on! If we don't so something soon, we'll all be dead!" said Lois.

"Dead? I'll tell you what's dead," said the zombie Vaudeville guy quickly, "Moving pictures, Drive-in theaters, and us! We've come back from the dead, but we've learned a few new tricks. Take me for instance: I've learned how to stand on my head," he said as he pulled off his head and literally stood on his head until he slipped off and fell, "Johnny, play me off!"

Zombie Johnny then started playing a funny jingle on the piano, until he and the other guy were shot in the head by Zack.

"They were killed off and not Herbert, why?" lamented Zack as everybody else shrugged.

"So what do we do?!" shouted Chris.

"As Sun Tzu said; If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight," said Tricia.

"She's right," said Zack, "We need to get to the gun shop and grab more guns. We gonna have to fight these zombies off if we want to survive."

"But how will we get to the car?" asked Jillian.

"Leave that to me," said Zack.

He cocked his shotgun and killed a bunch of zombies, clearing the path for the rest of the family to get to the car. He notices a particular zombie walking towards him that resembled Kevin. As he raised his shotgun, Meg forces it down.

"What are you doing?" asked Zack.

"You can't kill Kevin!" pleaded Meg.

"And why not?" asked Zack.

"He was my first teenage crush!" said Meg.

"Okay, I won't," said Zack... as he pulled the trigger and killed Kevin anyway, "Oops! My trigger finger slipped."

"Zack!" said Meg annoyed.

"In fairness, I'll let you kill someone I crushed on," said Zack.

"Deal," said Meg.

As they finally make it to the car, Peter fumbles around with the keys, trying to unlock the door as more zombies slowly approached them.

"C'mon, Peter!" said zombie Joe, "We just wanna eat your brains."

"Yeah, Lois," said zombie Quagmire, "Let me screw your brains out... and eat them!"

"Hurry Peter! They're getting closer!" panicked Lois.

"I'M TRYING! I'M TRYING!" shouted Peter frantically as he finally unlocked the doors.

The family, and Tricia, quickly scramble into the car and slam the doors shut as Peter quickly backs up and speeds out of the driveway and into the streets.

"This is too scary!" said Jillian, "The zombies want to eat our brains!"

"Why are you, Chris, CJ, and Peter so worried?" asked Zack, "The rest of us actually have brains!"

Suddenly without warning, zombie Tom Tucker and zombie Diane Simmons appear from the roof of the car to the windshield, cracking the glass with their fists.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" everyone shrieked.

"This just in, the Griffin family are about to be eaten alive by the Zombie 5 crew," said Tom, "We go with zombie Ollie for his thoughts. Ollie?"

"I WANT BRAINS!" shouted zombie Ollie quickly from the rear window.

"Thanks, Ollie," said Tom.

"Don't worry, Zack," said Diane, "I'll still love you. Every single piece of you..."

Meg quickly grabs Zack's shotgun and gives Diane a face full of lead through the windshield and sends her flying into the pavement where she is quickly run over by the car. Zack just stares at Meg in what could be a combination of impression and fear.

"What? You promised," said Meg.

Zack takes back his shotgun and proceeds to shoot off Tom and Ollie from the car. The car then comes to a screeching halt as they finally arrive to their destination which was the gun shop.

"Alright, I'm gonna get some more shotgun shells," said Zack, "The rest of you arm yourselves."

"Well, we better arm ourselves good because we're out of gas," said Peter, "Man this is turning out just like that one survival horror game with the virus in the city turning everybody into zombies. What was it called again? Silent Hill!"

"No, that's Resident Evil," said Zack.

"What's the difference?" asked Peter.

"You _never_ ask that kind of question, especially on a video game forum," warned Brian.

They all walk into the now abandoned gun shop and arm themselves. Zack grabs some shotgun shells as everyone else grabs their own shotguns and ammo. Maddie tries to grab a pair of pistols, but Meg takes them from her and puts them back.

"Hey! What gives?" asked Maddie.

"You're too young to be holding guns!" said Meg.

"But it's a zombie invasion!" said Maddie, "And Stewie gets to have a gun!"

"If Stewie jumped off a bridge, would you?" asked Meg.

"You'd jump off a bridge just for acceptance of your peers!" said Maddie.

"Fine, here," said Meg in defeat as she handed her the pistols.

"Yeah, guns, yeah...," said Maddie.

"Now let's go kill us some zombies," said Peter.

"Technically, you can't really kill a zombie since they're already dead," said Chris, "You just destroy the reanimated body."

"Fine, let's go destroy us some zombies," said Peter, "Happy now, Captain Political Correctness?"

"I'm just saying is all," said Chris.

The view then suddenly switches to a first person mode as the music from the first level of House of the Dead 2 plays from nowhere. They start plowing down a few zombies until...

"Re-re-re-re-reload! reload!" shouted a voice coming from nowhere as Peter kept trying to pull the trigger.

"What the hell?" asked Peter.

"Your gun's empty," said Zack as he kept shooting zombies, "Just point you gun away and it'll reload automatically."

Peter does so and suddenly, the bullet counter on the left side of the screen becomes full again.

"Oh, gotcha," said Peter.

After taking out all of the zombies in the area, the move on until they see a civilian woman surrounded by zombies.

"Don't come! Don't come!" said the random woman as Zack shot the surrounding zombies, "Please! Help him!" she said pointing to her boyfriend.

They turn to see that her boyfriend was surrounded by zombies near a well.

"No! Help _me_!" the man shouted in a monotone voice as Zack shot the zombies. He wasn't quick enough, however, so the zombies knocked him into the well before he could kill them, "AAAAAHHHH!"

"There was nothing we could do," said Zack in a monotonous voice as he turned to the woman.

The family then proceed to mowing down hordes of zombies light gun style until they reach the City Hall. The result screen suddenly appears to tally up their score, kills, and civilians saved. Their rank is a... C. They get no bonus.

"This rank system sucks!" complained Peter.

"Look! It's City Hall!" said Brian as they returned to third person view, "Maybe we can contact the military to help us fight off these zombies."

"Good idea," said Lois.

As they run towards City Hall, Jillian's leg is suddenly grabbed by a zombie and she is pulled to the ground. The zombie was Chris' bully, Kyle.

"AAAHHHH!! HELP!" screamed Jillian.

"Get away from her!" screamed Chris as he pounced on Kyle and beat him up.

"Oogy! NO!" screamed Jillian.

But it was too late as Kyle bit Chris's fist, leaving him doomed to infection.

"Save yourselves!" said Chris as he was then surrounded by more zombies.

"Don't worry! I will avenge you!" said CJ.

"Avenge me, my son!" shouted Chris as he was buried by zombies, "AVENGE MEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Jillian could only drop to her knees and cry. Chris was gone. Zack picks her up and they continue their way into City Hall. As they enter, they find that the building is completely empty.

"There's not a living soul to be found," said Lois.

"I know," said Raven, "This place is emptier than a blonde woman's head."

"Hey!" said Jillian offended.

"Present company excepted of course," said Raven, "The baby, that is."

As they venture further to the mayor's office, they hear what sounds like loud eating noises.

"What is that?" asked Peter.

"Do you think it could be more zombies?" asked Meg.

"Well, there's only one way to find out," said Zack.

Everybody then cocks their shotguns and venture closer to the mayor's office. The sound of chewing grows louder with each step they take. They then burst into the mayor's office where they find mayor Adam West still alive and eating barbeque.

"Mr. West! You're alive!" said Maddie.

"Of course. I was prepared," said West, "I took the liberty of making sure my office was zombie proof. I told you the zombie apocalypse was upon us! And you all called me and my concrete grave law crazy!"

"For the record, I was calling you crazy even before your zombie apocalypse awareness policies," said Zack.

"Ditto," said Brian.

"Well, the concrete is a moot point since they broke through that, anyway," said Raven.

"I'm well aware of that," said West, "My foolish co-workers all fled out of the building to their dooms. Especially the black ones. They all died first for some reason."

As they talk, Brian grabs the mayors phone and tries to call the US military.

"Hello? Army? Navy? Marines? Anybody!" said Brian, "It's no use. The line's dead."

"Our fate has been sealed," said Raven, "Soon we shall all walk among the dead."

"I say we fight our way out of this town!" said Zack, "Who's with me?"

"I suppose we have no choice," said Lois.

The survivors leave City Hall, and run down the street while taking out more zombies. They stop in front of James Woods High where they see Connie D'amico being attacked by zombies.

"Meg, you fat cow! Help me! AAAAAAAHHH!" screamed Connie as she was mauled by her now zombie friends.

"Oh my god! They killed Connie!" shouted Meg.

"You bastards!" shouted Zack as he shot the zombies away, "Poor Connie. She died as she lived... with men touching her."

"Holy crap! It's our friends!" said Tilly.

To the toddlers' horror, they were approached by zombie toddlers and a zombie Mrs. Lockhart.

"You were always so smart, Tilly," said Mrs. Lockhart, "Let me have that nice delicious brain of yours."

"Maddie, I am going to eat you out!" said Olivia.

"Oh crap! She wants my brain, too!" said Maddie.

"Yeah, brains. Let's go with that," said Olivia.

"Can this day get any stranger?" asked Tricia.

"Apparently, it can," said Maddie "Look across the street!"

To everyone's surprise, they saw what looked like the rotting corpse of Maddie's former cat, Stripes, who was now a zombie.

"At last! I rise again!" said zombie Stripes "And I brought some friends with me; the pets of the damned!"

With him were zombie Todd the old Griffin dog, zombie new Brian who was stitched together, a zombie frog, a zombie hamster, and a zombie parrot.

"Mr. Snuggles the hamster?" asked Peter sadly, "But... you said he ran away to live on a farm!"

"Peter, when a hamster reaches a certain age, he... well, you just shouldn't give hamsters mexican food, ever," explained Lois.

"Hey, Stewie," said New Brian, "How's Rupert doing?"

"Oh you did not just go there!" shouted Stewie angrily.

"Come as we feast on their flesh!" said Stripes.

As the drag their decomposing bodies across the street, a pair of street lights shine in front of them.

"You have GOT to be kidding me," said Stripes as he and his undead pals were hit by the SAME EXACT bus that hit and killed him the first time.

"And that, Maddie, is what we call irony," said Brian.

"And this, Brian, is what I call revenge!" said a familiar female voice.

Before he could do anything, Brian was bitten by the zombie of his ex-girlfriend, Brianne the Collie. Brian then falls to his knees and slowly transforms into a zombie himself.

"Braaaaaains!" groaned Brian.

"Brian! No!" screamed Maddie, "You bitch!"

"That's what I am," said Brianne before her head was blown off by Maddie.

"This is hopeless!" said Tricia, "For every zombie we kill, 2 more take its place!"

"We have to get out of here!" screamed Meg as she grabbed Maddie and high tailed it along with the others.

As the survivors flee for their lives, the zombies go after them... very, very slowly.

"You know what I've always wondered?" asked Peter.

"What?" asked Lois.

"Have you ever noticed that zombies always move slowly?" asked Peter, "They're always dragging themselves. Why don't they ever run?"

The zombies then stop, look at each other, shrug, and start running after them.

"Nice one, dumbass!" said Zack, "Remind me to bring you with me when I'm being chased by Frankenstein's monster so you can ask him why he doesn't bend his knees!"

As everyone continues to run for their lives, Mayor West stops for a moment and turns towards the zombies as he outstretches his arms.

"Come and get me, you filthy zombies!" shouted West.

"Mr. West? What are you doing?" asked Maddie.

"Keep running, and don't look back!" said West as he was then attacked by the zombies, "Is that all you've got? You bite skin like babies!"

"The mayor sacrificed himself to save us," said Raven, "And all this time I thought he was a whackjob."

"He is," said Peter, "But he was OUR whackjob."

As they run some more, they're stopped by a very familiar zombie figure who had black hair and wore a red outfit.

"Look out!" shouted Peter, "It's zombie Michael Jackson!"

"Ow!" shouted Michael as he and the zombies started doing the Thriller dance, "Cause this is Thrillaaaaaaaaaa! Trillaaaaaaaaaa Niiiight! And no one's gonna save you from the beast that's gonna strike! Cause this is Thrillaaaaaaaaaaaa! Thrill-" he said before his head was blown off him by Stewie.

"And that's for hiding in my closet!" said Stewie.

"You idiot!" said Maddie, "We could've preserved him and charged money!"

"Don't look now, but we've got more trouble!" said Tilly as they were all surrounded by more zombies.

Meg tries to fire her gun, but she's all out of shotgun shells.

"I'm out of ammo!" panicked Meg.

"So am I!" said Zack.

Without warning, Meg was suddenly bit by the zombie of Connie and Zack was suddenly bit by the zombie of Michael Milano.

"Mom! Dad!" screamed Maddie as she watched her parents transform into zombies.

Peter was then bit by the zombie of James Woods and Lois was bit by the zombie of Valerie. Tilly was bitten by the zombie Bertram, CJ was bitten by the zombie of Tilly, and Raven was bitten by the zombie of Liddane.

"No! Stop turning into zombies!" shouted Stewie.

"I guess it's all up to me," said Tricia, "I still have some shotguns shells left so we-"

She was then suddenly bit by the zombies of Dr. Hartman, Carter Pewterschmidt, Barbara Pewterschmidt, Mr. Weed, the Mass Media Murderer.

"Diane, I'm here standing in front of two terrified children," said a now zombie Tricia, "Tell us, how big are your brain sizes?"

Stewie and Maddie run away with their now zombified friends and families in tow. They run inside what was an abandoned building and barricade the doors and windows shut with everything that wasn't bolted to the door.

"I can't believe this is the end," said Maddie.

"I know," said Stewie, "I always thought the way I'd die would involve being tied up in the basement of a 40 something year old who posed as a 14 year old on Myspace."

"I just want to let you know that I love you," said Maddie, "You know, in an uncle niece kind of way."

"Eww!" said Stewie in disgust.

"Not THAT uncle niece kind of way!" said Maddie

The zombies then force their way through the barricades. Stewie and Maddie helplessly back up into a corner as the zombie Griffins walk closer... closer.... closer...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Maddie.

"Maddie? Maddie wake up!" said Meg.

"Help! Help me!" screamed Maddie as she bolted up. She had suddenly found herself on the living room couch next to Stewie who was watching TV with the family who were no longer zombies.

"You just had a bad dream, honey," said Meg.

"Mom! You're not a zombie!" said Maddie as she hugged her tightly, "You're alive! You're ALL alive!"

"Zombie? What are you talking about?" asked Lois.

"I had this bad dream where everybody was a zombie because of a meteor," said Maddie, "And then everybody died!"

"You probably had it from watching that zombie movie marathon from last night," said Zack.

"Yeah, you fell asleep during the 5th hour," said Stewie.

"Sounds like you had one heck of a dream," said Peter.

"The best part is that it's over," said Maddie, "And everything can go on normally."

"Hey, let's see what's on TV," said Peter.

As Peter turns on the TV, they tune in for the news.

"We interrupt this program to bring you breaking news," said Tom, "During last night's unexpected meteor shower, one the meteors have unexpectedly crashed into the town graveyard."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" screamed Maddie as everything faded to black.

**End Chapter.... Or is it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Happy Halloween readers...**


	43. Pizza TenHut!

**Chapter 41: Pizza Ten-Hut!**

It was a nice afternoon in the backyard where Zack decided to throw a barbeque in the backyard. All their good friends and neighbors were invited and everyone was having a good time.

"Great barbeque, Murdock," said Joe as he and Bonnie walked(or wheeled in Joe's case) by with little Suzy around Bonnie's arm.

"Glad you're having a good time. And what an adorable little girl she is," said Zack "Wait, didn't you guys used to have a teenage son?"

"Nope," said Joe.

"Alrighty, then," said Zack, "Okay, Dogs are done! Come and get them!"

Raven was the first one to get her hot dog.

"The hot dog," lamented Raven, "What was once pieces of many an animal is now infused into one penis shaped death. One must wonder what the tortured souls of these animals were thinking as they were slaughtered into processed meat. Perhaps their souls are still floating, seeking vengeance upon those who had wronged them and robbed them of life. And when these animals return, behind them they will leave open the very gates of hell itself!"

Everyone else stares at Raven in awkward silence.

"...I mean, please pass the horseradish?" asked Raven sheepishly.

"I don't like horseradish," said Jillian, "Just the fact that they have to kill those poor horsies to make it makes me sick."

"Jillian, horseradish isn't made from horses," said Meg.

"I'm pretty sure it is," said Jillian, "I mean, it would be stupid to call it horseradish for any other reason."

"Anyway, it's too bad Cleveland moved away," said Zack, "I guess your little quartet's become a trio, huh?"

"Actually, the guys and I were thinking you could... be our new Cleveland," said Peter.

"Like hell I wanna be your Cleveland!" responded Zack, "I can't even stand hanging out with _you_! What makes you think I wanna be your Cleveland?"

"What? You're saying you're too good to be Cleveland?" asked Joe.

"I didn't say that!" retorted Zack.

"Well, you sure seem defensive about being the new Cleveland," said Quagmire.

"I **can't** replace Cleveland," said Zack, "Do I look like a big black guy?"

"Oh, so because you're white, you think you're too good to be Cleveland," said Peter, "You sir are a racist."

"I'm not a racist," said Zack, "I just don't think I can replace Cleveland-"

"You're a racist," said Peter, "That's why you like metal, because most black people don't like metal and they are hip hop fans which is the exact opposite of metal."

HEY! _I_ like metal and hate hip hop... Yeah, I'm bad at being black...

"Okay, you want a new Cleveland? You got a new Cleveland!" said Zack as he tried to put out his best Cleveland impression, "Hey yall! I am the propieter of this delicacent. Oh Loretta!"

"...Eh.... nevermind. We don't need a new Cleveland after all," said Peter, "...You racist bastard..."

"There's something I want to ask you," said Lois, "Just why are throwing this barbeque?"

"Yeah, is there a special occasion or something?" asked Valerie.

"As a matter of fact, there is," said Zack, "Do you want to tell them?"

"I think you should," said Meg.

"Oh my god, Meg is pregnant again?" asked Lois.

"Even better," said Zack, "I'm quitting the brewery!"

Everyone then all gasped collectively at this startling revelation.

"Oh my god!" said Chris, "We don't have any mustard to put on my hot dog! Oh the humanity!"

"Are you insane?" asked Valerie, "What about your family? How are you going to support them?"

"Anyone remember Cleveland's old deli?" asked Zack, "You know, the one that nobody remembers and goes to anymore?"

"Well, Zack and I decided to save up our money and buy it," said Meg, "We're going to open our own business."

"What kind of business are you going to run?" asked Brian.

"We're going to run a pizza parlor!" said Meg.

"It's been a childhood dream of mine to run a pizza parlor," said Zack.

"And I'm going to be co-owner, so I won't be needing you guys to buy me anything anymore," said Meg.

"That's wonderful, sweetie," said Lois, "Isn't this wonderful, Peter?"

"What the hell is this crap?" asked Peter annoyed, "I was one of Cleveland's best friends. Why did he sell the building to you and not ME?"

"Okay, everyone who still has their business license raise your hand," said Zack as he rose his hand and nobody else, "Huh? Nobody? Thought so."

"C'mon! I've run plenty of businesses," said Peter.

"Face it, Peter. You're a terrible business man," said Brian.

"Yeah? Name one bad business decision I made," said Peter.

"Remember that time you ran that exotic pet store?" asked Brian.

**Flashback**

A man walks into Peter's pets store.

"I'm looking for a nice pet for my 5 year old daughter," said the man.

"I've got just the thing," said Peter as he pulled out a boa constrictor, "A boa constrictor!"

The boa leaps from Peter's arms and begins to constrict the man tightly as he falls to the floor, gasping for air.

"See? He's cuddling you," said Peter.

**End Flashback**

The next day, the entire family decides to a look at the old deli. To their surprise, the deli was a mess. Dust covered the table, the counters still had meat in them which was now rotting, and the place had been tagged and grafitti'd by vandals.

"What the hell?" asked Zack, "This place looks like it hasn't been cleaned in years!"

"Cleveland hardly comes here anymore," said Lois, "In fact, we all sorta forgot he had a deli."

"Gawd! I didn't know rancid meat could smell this bad!" said Maddie as she held her nose.

"It smells just like a killer's basement," said Stewie as Maddie stared at him, "Not that I'd know what a killer's basement would smell like... yeah..."

"There's only one thing to do," said Zack, "Everyone grab a mop and some dust pans. We're going to have to clean this place up."

"I'll start by getting rid of the rotten meat," said Peter, "Meg, get out!"

"Peter, cut that out!" said Lois angrily.

"I'll have to assign everyone a job to do," said Zack, "Lois, you and Meg clean out the meat. Peter, you clean out the freezer. Brian, you clean up the graffiti. I'll mop the floor and dust the tables."

"What about me?" asked Chris.

"I guess you get bathroom duty," said Zack.

After Chris puts on gloves, goggles, and a mask, and grabs a plunger.

"Bathroom duty doesn't sound too hard," said Chris.

"Here's some advise from someone who's cleaned toilets at a 7 Eleven," said Zack, "Whatever you do, do NOT look directly into the toilet."

As Chris walks into the bathroom, Zack begins mopping the floor. He stops for a minute and looks at his watch.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Chris from within the toilet.

"Yep, he looked," said Zack.

Over at the walls, Maddie was curiously reading all of the graffiti. To most people, vandalism is vandalism. To her, however, it was just a bunch of colorful letters and nonsense that she hadn't seen before except in the opening of Fresh Prince episodes. There was one message she couldn't really read...

"Brian, I can't read this word," said Maddie, "What does that say?"

"Let's see," said Brian, "President Obama is a dirty n- OH MY GOD!"

"What was that n word?" asked Maddie.

"Nothing. It's nothing," said Brian.

"So Obama is a dirty nothing?" asked Maddie.

"Sure, sure! God, some of things people write," said Brian as he began cleaning it off, "People write some of the most pig headed, bigoted, ignorant things. Did they ever stop to think that children could take a look?"

"What does that one say?" asked Maddie.

"Let's see," said Brian, "Bush is a lying, big eared, monkey faced fag."

Brian cleans off the Obama graffiti and skips over the Bush graffiti to clean off the next.

"Aren't you gonna clean that one?" asked Maddie.

"That one's art, not graffiti," said Brian.

"Haaaaaaa.... hypocritical humor..." chuckled Stewie from far away.

A few days later, the family was in front of the newly remodeled deli, which was now Murdock's Pizza.

"I hereby christen this new Pizza Parlor.... OPEN!" shouted Peter, as a broke a wine bottle against the wall.

"I just cleaned that wall, too..." muttered Lois.

A little later, Meg is at the register taking everybody's orders and money as Zack walks in to check.

"So, how's everything going, hon?" asked Zack.

"Business is booming," said Meg, "This place is packed with customers.

"No bad for a first day," said Zack, "Let's hope we can keep this up."

"Excuse, me," said a random stranger, "Didn't this used to be a deli run by a black guy."

"Yeah, he left Quahog," said Zack.

"Too bad, because I always used to order sandwiches here regularly," said the man, "I'm with this place being a pizza parlor run by a white guy because it's just so different."

"Oh, We don't just make pizza," said Zack, "We also make sandwiches, too."

Meanwhile in the kitchen, Maddie and Stewie were preparing some sandwiches for the customers.

"So how are those sandwiches coming along?" asked Maddie.

"Rather nicely if I do say so myself," said Stewie, "I just need to add a little tomato, a little cheese, a little ham, and the finishing touch: some Miracle WHip."

"What did you just say?" asked Maddie.

"What? I said Miracle WHip," said Stewie, "You can't have a sandwich without Miracle WHip."

"It's pronounced Miracle Whip," said Maddie.

"That's what I said," said Stewie, "Miracle WHip."

"No, you said Miracle WHip, not Miracle Whip," said Maddie.

"Why did you say Miracle WHip twice?" asked Stewie, "Is there something I'm not getting?"

"Yeah, the fact that you're saying Miracle Whip wrong!" said Maddie.

"How am I saying Miracle WHip wrong?" asked Stewie, "Who can say Miracle WHip wrong?"

"Apparently _you_ can!" said Maddie, "The H is supposed to be silent! You don't say the H in Miracle Whip! It sounds stupid!"

"I don't pronounce the H in Miracle WHip!" said Stewie.

"You just did!" said Maddie, "It's Miracle Whip! Now say it right!"

"I _am_ saying it right! Miracle WHip," asked Stewie.

"Miracle Whip!" shouted Maddie.

"Miracle WHip!" said Stewie.

"MIRACLE WHIP!!!" shouted Maddie louder.

"Miracle WHip," said Stewie.

"MIRACLE WHIIIIIIIP!!!" screamed Maddie to the top of her lungs and started stomping and pulling her hair, "MIRACLE WHIP! MIRACLE WHIP! THERE IS NO FREAKING H!!! THERE IS NO FREAKING H!!!"

"What's the matter with her?" asked Brian.

"I don't know," said Stewie, "WHiney little girl, isn't she?"

"Yeah... wait, what?" asked Brian.

The next day at Zack's Pizza Parlor, Meg is on the phone taking an order.

"You'll have your pizza in 30 minutes or it's free," said Meg as she hung up, "Zack! We just got another delivery!"

"Is it someone we know?" asked Zack.

"It's for the Channel 5 Studio," said Meg.

"You wanna hear what they wanted," asked Maddie.

"Go ahead," said Zack.

"They wanted one cheese pizza so I don't get toppings on my gorgeous face," said Maddie doing a Tom Tucker impression, "One pepperoni," she said in a Diane impression, "One with mushrooms," said Maddie in an Asian dialect, "I WAN' OLIVES! NO ANCHOVIES!" she shouted.

"And we have those ready. Okay, who wants to do this delivery?" asked Zack.

"Maddie, would you like to make this delivery?" asked Meg.

"Wait, Maddie?" asked Zack, "Our one year old daughter with a tricycle Maddie?"

"No, it's okay," said Meg, "Maddie is a natural at being a delivery girl."

**Flashback**

At Quagmire's house, he answers his door and sees Maddie holding a box of pizza.

"Pizza delivery, Mr. Quagmire," said Maddie.

"Thanks, and here's your tip," said Quagmire as he handed her a dollar.

"Ahem," said Maddie as she cleared her throat.

"What?" asked Quagmire, "Sorry, but you've gotta be this tall to ride-"

"I recall overhearing on the phone about betting 20 dollar if a certain pizza girl couldn't get here in 30 minutes or less," said Maddie, "I got here in 10."

"It was just a joke. Ha ha ha, we're all laughing. See?" said Quagmire as he was met with a raised eyebrow from the toddler, "Fine, fine! Here."

"Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Quagmire," said Maddie as she left on her tricycle.

"What kind of messed up world do we live in where a one year old girl hustles for tips?" asked Quagmire as he walked into his house and into his bedroom where a woman was waiting for him, "And now for some lunch," he said as he put pizza in his pants, "Bon Appetite. Giggity gag-a-ty!"

**End Flashback**

"I'd rather send an adult this time," said Zack, "Who wants to make this delivery?"

"Ooh! Ooh! Zack! Zack! Zack!" shouted Peter as he raised his hand and started jumping around, "Me! Me! Me! I'll do it! Me! Me! I'll do it! I'll do it! Me! Me! Me!"

"Hmmm... Lois, how about you?" asked Zack.

"Aaaawww... But I wanted to do it..." complained Peter.

"Why don't you let Peter do it?" asked Lois, "It's just one delivery."

"18 years with this guy and you still don't get it," said Zack, "He's a moron!"

"Just give Peter a chance," said Lois, "If anything, it'll keep him out of the kitchen for a little bit."

"Oh my god! The kitchen!" shouted Zack as he ran into the kitchen and put out a burning stove with a fire extinguisher and pulled out a burnt pizza, "Damnit, you were supposed to watch the stove!"

"Yeah right!" said Peter, "Cooking's a woman's job!"

"Fine, but deliver the pizza in 30 minutes or less," said Zack, "Got it?"

"You bet," said Peter, "I'll have it delivered lickety split!"

5 hours later, Peter finally returns to the restaurant with his lips and fingers covered in pizza sauce.

"Great job on that delivery there tons of fun," said Zack, "I especially loved how not only were you 30 minutes late, but you ate the pizza on the way, giving the customers a free nothing!"

"Who told you about that?" asked Peter, "I'll bet it was Meg! Don't listen to her because she's Meg!"

"No, it was the Channel 5 crew!" said Zack, "They spent 10 minutes on the phone giving me an earful on how they'd rather order crappy Domino's pizza because they at least get to their Studio! They're going to give us a bad review! Do you have any idea, ANY idea how much that hurts?"

"What? By the time I got there, the pizza was already cold," said Peter, "I mean, c'mon! Would _you_ want a cold pizza? Cold pizzas are nasty! I was doing them a favor."

"Okay, since you can't make OR deliver a pizza, try making sandwiches," said Zack.

"Yeah, that doesn't sound too hard said Peter.

He walked into the kitchen and put together a ham sandwich... which promptly caught on fire for no reason whatsoever. Zack runs in with a fire extinguisher to put out the flaming sandwich and looks at Peter in shock.

"Perhaps I used too much hot sauce," said Peter.

A few weeks later, Meg was through all their sales records for the 3 weeks. As Zack walked in, he could tell that the look on her face meant bad news.

"I hate it when you give me that face," said Zack, "It's usually bad news that involves Connie or bad news in general."

"Our sales are dropping like a rock," said Meg, "We haven't made ANYTHING in the past 3 weeks!"

"How could this happen?" asked Zack, "I mean, we had great sales on our first day! What could've made us plummet so fast."

"Hey, check out this new toy I made," said Peter holding a ball of dough, "Mr. Pizza head. You can put toppings and sauce on him for face pieces. Oh, by the way, we're all out of dough, sauce, and toppings... It's everybody's fault except mine."

"Meg, I think I found our answer," said Zack, "I'm taking care of it immediately."

"Awesome! Who's the poor sucker that's getting fired?" asked Peter, "Because, between you and me, Brian spends his lunch breaks typing on liberal blogs and smoking pot. And so does your mom, so you might want to keep that in mind."

"The poor sucker... is you!" said Zack, "You're fired!"

Everyone in the parlor gasps, including the customers.

"What? But... but, why?" asked Peter sheepishly.

"I can name 5 reasons all on the fingers on my hand," said Zack, "Let's see, you're... 1) a moron, 2) an idiot, 3) a moron AND an idiot, 4) a dumbass, and 5) a moronic idiotic dumbass!"

"You can't fire me!" said Peter.

"I just did," said Zack, "Now either buy something or get your ass off my property!"

"Fine! I'm gonna go and start my own pizza place!" whimpered Peter sadly, "And... and it'll be a kazillion times better than yours! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! UWAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

With that Peter runs off sobbing like a child.

"That was kind of harsh," said Lois, "Embarrassing poor Peter like that in front of everybody."

"Peter needs to learn that he can't goof off and expect to get away with it," said Zack.

"Zack's right, Lois," said Brian, "Peter needs to start listening. Remember what happened to Sneakers O'Toole when he wouldn't listen?"

**Cutaway**

Sneakers O'Toole was taking a trip to the doctor's office.

"I'm going to the doctor! I am Sneakers O'Toole," sang Sneakers O'Toole.

"Sneakers O'Toole, you have athlete's foot from wearing sneakers all the time," said the doctor, "If you don't take your sneakers off, the athlete's foot could spread and become something much worse like foot cancer."

"No!" said Sneakers O'Toole.

"But it could save your life!" said the doctor.

"No!" shouted Sneakers O'Toole as he ran out of the doctor's office.

"Let him go doctor," said the nurse, "We can't chase him, not in your loafers and my high heels. He made his choice."

A few days later, Sneakers O'Toole died of foot cancer. In heaven, he walks as an angel. An angel who wears sneakers.

"I wouldn't take my sneakers off! I was Sneakers O'Toole," sang Sneakers O'Toole.

**End Cutaway**

The very next morning at the Griffin house, Brian was walking into the living room with a newspaper in hand and a cup of coffee. He takes notice of little Maddie with some paper and some crayons.

"What are you doing?" asked Brian.

"I'm making flyers for daddy's pizza joint," said Maddie.

"I thought you couldn't write," said Brian.

"I've been getting really better," said Maddie, "I even wrote a letter to some guy named Seth MacFarlane."

**Flashback**

"Dear Mr. Seth McFarlane," wrote Maddie, "It has come to my attention that you have underused and abused certain characters. One in particular is my mother Meg Griffin. You say you do it because you and your so called writers can't write a teenage girl. It isn't a hard thing to do, really. In fact it would help if you hired more competent and flexible writers. Also, I feel that there are many characters that have been underutilized in your universe and it would be nice to maybe give them the limelight instead of Brian and Stewie all the time. Just recently, you killed of Kevin Swanson, rest his soul, when you could've utilized him and all the other teenagers in Quahog for perhaps maybe a High School Musical parody, but knowing your writing staff and your singing talents it would just star Stewie and Brian. In short, could you give Mila Kunis a better role and not limit the universe characters to two? Your fan, Madeline Mary Ann Murdock."

With that, she walks to a nearby mailbox and mails the letter to Fox. 3 to 4 weeks letter, Lois walks in with a letter.

"Maddie, here's a letter for you from Fox," said Lois.

"Finally," said Maddie.

"So how did Seth respond?" asked Brian.

"Dear Maddie: No," said Maddie.

**End Flashback**

"Self righteous hack," muttered Maddie.

"Hey now," said Brian, "Seth MacFarlane is a brilliant man with a heavenly voice."

"Yeah, of course _you_ would say that," said Maddie, "Can you turn on the TV for me? I think my cartoons are on."

"Sure thing," said Brian as he turned on the TV only to tune into a commercial.

"Aw, it's just a commercial," said Maddie, "Change it."

As Brian was about to touch the channel button, he noticed that Peter, of all people, was in the commercial.

"Wait, is that... Peter?" asked Brian in shock, "You might want to get your mom and dad."

Maddie then dashes out of the room and upstairs, where she brings Meg and Zack downstairs to show them the commercial.

"It's weird," said Maddie, "He's on a commercial. This could only mean bad news."

"I remember the last time dad was on a commercial," said Meg.

"He had to do a Public Service Announcement after he was busted for doing crack," said Zack.

**Flashback**

Peter is standing in a kitchen.

"This is crack," said Peter pointing to a frying pan, "This is your brain on crack," he said a he cracked the egg on the frying pan, "This is marijuana," he said pointing to a boiling pot, "And this is your brain on marijuana," he said as he put the egg in the pot, "Notice how your brain isn't frying and splattered all over. So if you want to do a drug, do marijuana. Any questions?"

**End Flashback **

"And remember what Peter was saying yesterday," said Zack, "So this commercial can only be one thing: a pizza commercial."

As they all walk into the living room...

"It's a pizza commercial," said Brian.

"He shoots, he scores," said Zack, "...sadly."

**Cutaway to TV**

"I'll bet you want a real pizza like how a woman who wants a real man during sex," said Peter, "Well you get that at Big Pete's Pizzeria. The only difference is our pizza isn't African American," Peter continued, "But just between you and me, Murdock's Pizzas are the equivalent of an Asian man, wink wink. So come to Big Pete's Pizzeria instead of Murdock's because our pizzas are wholesome and we use racial penis metaphors!"

_"Pizza does not actually give penis enhancements, but if you do happen to feel something, it's probably just gas and maybe diarrhea,"_ said an announcer quickly, _"Yup... he wrote that."_

**End Cutaway**

"I swear to god!" said Zack, "When I get my hands on that fat son of a bitch, I'm selling him as a pinata, Meg! I mean it, this time!"

"Zack, calm down," said Meg, "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Besides, competition can be good for business."

"It's not about the competition," said Zack, "It's that he just HAS to ruin everything for everybody else. He's like Kanye West!"

**Cutaway**

At a suburban home, a husband and wife are having dinner.

"Honey, this roast is great," said the husband, "In fact it's the best-"

"Yo, I know you're having dinner and I'mma let you finish," said Kanye West as he popped up from nowhere, "But your mistress made one of the best roast chickens of all time!"

"Mistress?!?!" asked the wife in anger as he started beating him bloody with a frying pan.

Kanye then steals the man's plate and runs off.

**End Cutaway**

The next day, Meg, Zack, and Valerie arrive at Big Pete's Pizzeria to meet up with Peter and Lois. The Pizzeria was occupying what used to be Big Pete's House of Munch which, for the sake of convenience, is located across the street from where Cleveland's deli used to be.

"Dad, what the hell?" asked Meg.

"Go ahead, say what the hell again!" said Peter.

"You're opening this pizza place just to spite me, aren't you?" asked Zack.

"No, I am doing it because I want to prove you wrong about being an incompetent moron!" said Peter.

"Then what do you call these?" asked Zack as he pulled out a flyer, "'Please come to Big Pete's Pizzeria and not Murdock's Pizza so I can make him and his family penniless and homeless so I can go hahaha to spite him. P.S. Zack sucks. P.P.S. So does Meg.'"

"Just how did you get this space back anyway?" asked Meg, "Didn't it get wasted?"

"Daddy paid for everything," said Lois.

**Flashback**

At the Pewterschmidt mansion, Lois is asking her dad for money.

"Daddy, can I get some money?" asked Lois, "Peter wants to open his own pizza parlor."

"No," said Carter, "Why would I want to help that fatass open a business?"

"Because there's a good chance he could fail?" asked Lois.

"I'm on board," said Carter as he wrote a checkbook.

**End Flashback **

"I think you should all really put this squabbling aside," said Valerie, "I'm a lover, not a fighter. That being said, some healthy competition isn't bad for business."

"See, Valerie has the right idea," said Lois, "Maybe Zack could even merge his business with Peter."

"What was that?" asked Zack.

"Zack, please," said Valerie, "What exactly do you mean by that, Lois?"

"All I'm saying is that when Zack's business goes down the tubes he can join us," said Lois, "Our door is always open for family."

"When his business goes down?" asked Valerie offended, "Are you saying my son is going to be a failure?"

"Well, he just doesn't have as much business experience as Peter," said Lois.

"You mean drunkie here who's had a thousand failed businesses including fishing?" asked Valerie, "It takes a real idiot to fail at fishing!"

"Are you calling my husband a drunk failure?" asked Lois offended.

"If the shoe fits!" sneered Valerie, "I've seen smarter and more considerate husbands in Alabama than what you have!"

"Well at least I've still got a husband!" said Lois, "And at least my son isn't the spawn of Satan!"

"And at least MY son is smarter than grain of rice AND isn't gay!" said Valerie, "Not that there's anything wrong wrong with being gay, but he's one for god's sake!"

"Mom, I thought you were a lover, not-" said Zack.

"SHUT THE HELL UP! THE GROWN UPS ARE TALKING!" shouted Valerie, "We'll see who's the failure, Mrs. Failure."

"Fine by me, mother failure!" said Lois.

"By the way, you should clean up that mess," said Valerie.

"What mess?" asked Lois.

"This one," said Valerie as she grabbed a jar of pizza sauce and smashed it on the floor.

Lois could only sneer at Valerie as she and the others walked out of the door.

"Peter, get the pizza oven ready," said Lois "This... means... war!"

Later at Murdock's Pizza, Valerie walks into the pizza parlor followed by a stern looking man in his 50's wearing a sergeant's uniform who had brown hair in a military flat cut and

"Who's the flat top?" asked Meg as she was working the cash register.

"This is my brother, Zack's Uncle Buck Russell," said Valerie, "He's a Sergeant for the military and he's here to help us in our pizza war."

"It's good to see you again, Uncle Buck," said Zack.

"And I see that you still have that mop top, boy!" said Buzz in disdain, "I suggest you get a haircut, because I will not be training TWO hippies in my platoon!"

"What does an Army Sergeant know about pizza?" asked Meg.

"What do I know about pizza? Well, let me tell you something, little lady!" said Uncle Buck, "I participated in the great pizza war of 1986! I've witnessed so many delivery men casualties, so much splattered pizza sauce, so much price inflation for extra toppings that it would be enough to make you sick to your stomach! So do not question my authorities again! Do you hear me, little lady?"

"Sir yes sir!" shouted Meg.

"Now drop and give me twenty pizzas!" shouted Buck.

"Sir yes sir!" shouted Meg as she ran into the kitchen.

"What you have there is a keeper, son," said Buck.

A little later as Maddie walks out of the parlor with a box of pizza she turns and to her shock she sees that her tricycle was taken apart.

"My tricycle!" shouted Maddie, "Who would do such a thing?"

"Shame about your tricycle!" said Stewie as he rode by, "Here's a screwdriver so you can put it back together."

"What?" asked Maddie.

"Don't worry. It's just been used recently. Wink wink," said Stewie as he rode off with a pizza box.

"Grandpa..." growled Maddie angrily.

Later inside the parlor, Maddie is crying as she tells everyone what happened.

"They trashed my tricycle!" sobbed Maddie.

"They what?!" asked Meg in shock, "That fat bastard! I bought that for you at a yard sale!"

"Sabotaging a delivery unit!" said Buck, "So those maggots want to play dirty do they? Well, we can fight dirty too! In fact we can be so dirty, people will mistake us for black people!"

"Wait, what?" asked Zack a little disgusted.

"Sorry, it was the first thing that came to my head," said Buck, "I'm not racist. Just ignorant."

The next day at Big Pete's Pizzeria, Zack and Meg walk into the restaurant wearing disguises. They sit down at a table and Meg opens her purse to reveal a walkie talkie.

"This is Little Piggie. Do you read me, Grizzly Bear?" asked Meg.

"Huh? That wasn't the codename I gave you!" said Buck.

"Sorry. It's... well it was a nickname my dad gave me," said Meg, "...Since I was born."

"Your codename is The Cat!" said Buck.

"The... Cat?" asked Meg.

"You may look all innocent and sweet, but you are deadly and diabolical!" said Buck.

"Okay then..." said Meg.

"Anyway, are you and Shaggy Dog in position?" asked Buck.

"Yes sir, Grizzly Bear," said Zack, "We're in position."

"Begin operation: Crust Crumbler," said Buck.

"Excuse me?" asked Meg in a disguised voice as Lois walked.

"Yeah, my lovely wife and I would like to order a pepperoni pizza," said Zack in a disguised voiced.

"And I'd also like some bread sticks, please," said Meg.

"Coming right up," said Lois as she walked into the kitchen and came back out with a pizza, "Here you are."

"Why thank you, ma'am," said Meg as Lois walked away.

As Lois was out of view, Zack takes out a dead mouse and places it on the pizza.

"Good lord! Miss! Miss!" shouted Zack.

"What is it?" asked Lois.

"I appear to have found a dead mouse on my pizza! Just look at it!" said Zack.

"Oh my god!" said Lois.

"And I just found a ring on one of my bread sticks!" said Meg, "What kind of sick establishment are you running, here?"

"That dead mouse wasn't there before!" explained Lois.

"I cannot believe people would eat here and not at Murdock's Pizza where it is pest free!" said Zack, "And it's only across the street!"

"I don't want to eat after pests," said one man.

"I don't want to eat after mice!" said a woman.

"Or roaches!" said another man.

"Or blacks or gays or Mexicans or Jews," said another man as everyone stared at him, "Oooh, right. I wasn't using my public voice."

"Let's all go to Murdock's instead," said a man as all the customers left.

After the place becomes completely empty, Peter walks into the room.

"Where the hell is everybody?" asked Peter.

"I'll tell you where they're not," said Zack as he and Meg took off their disguises, "Here. Check and mate."

"Here's some pity money for the pizza," said Meg as she handed Lois a five.

Meg and Zack leave as they tosses their disguises on the floor.

"...We just got served," said Lois in shock.

The next day in the kitchen of Murdock's Pizza, Jillian and Tilly had joined the Murdocks and were showing them a new invention.

"So what happened to CJ?" asked Meg.

"CJ wanted to be with his father," said Jillian, "This war has taken it's toll on my already small family."

"Sorry to hear that, sis," said Zack.

"Yeah, yeah. Less CJ, more invention time," said Tilly, "I present to you the pizzamatic 1000!" said Tilly.

"So what does this invention do?" asked Cody.

"It makes, tops, and cooks pizzas in a matter of minutes," said Tilly as she pulled the switch, "Observe!"

The pizza machine makes a few pizzas without fail, but without any warning whatsoever, the machine begins to shake violently and spit out pizzas all over the kitchen. After it explodes everyone is seemingly covered in pizza sauce.

"I guess it has a few bugs in it," said Tilly.

"Gee, what a surprise," said Cody, "Here's a suggestion for your next invention: A not blowing up machine!"

"Why are you even here, anyway?" asked Tilly.

"Yeah, don't you have a mom that knows you're missing or something?" asked Maddie.

"Half the time, she's drunk and doesn't know I'm there when I'm there," said Cody.

"Sounds like Nikki alright," said Zack as he noticed that Buck was staring off into space in shock, "Uncle Buck, are you alright? Buck?"

Buck could only look at all the pizza sauce stained people in the room and the only sounds he could hear and the only sights he could see were of war. So many casualties... so many lost innocent lives... and at what cost? He could still remember one horrifying sentence from one of his men.

_"Sir, he's dead!" said a soldier, "If we want to survive, we'll have to eat him!"_

"HUMAN FLESH DOESN'T TASTE LIKE CHICKEN AT ALL!!!" shouted Buck, "THE HORROR!!"

"You had the 'Nam hallucination again, didn't you?" asked Valerie

"I STILL HAVE HIS SKULL AS A KEEPSAKE!" screamed Buck.

Suddenly, alarms starting blazing like crazy.

"What's going on?" asked Meg, "What's that noise?"

"It's the security alarm I installed this morning," said Tilly, "We've got an intruder in the area!"

"This place has been breached like a Turkish prison inmate!" shouted Buck.

"We have to protect the family's top secret pizza recipe!" said Zack.

"Move move move!" shouted Buck.

Zack, Buck, and Valerie run ahead of everybody else and reach a room that was labeled Top Secret: Enter and Die. Zack inputs a long code into the number pad and opens the door. To everyone's surprise the secret pizza recipe was still their in a glass bottle.

"Guys, it's still here!" said Zack.

"Quick! Hand us the formula!" shouted Meg as she and Maddie ran into the room.

"Here, hide it someplace safe!" said Zack.

With that, Meg and Maddie run off out of the room.

"That was close," said Valerie.

The sounds of faint muffled screaming could be heard coming from the closet. When Zack opens, he sees that Meg and Maddie were tied and gagged inside the closet.

"What the hell?" asked Zack as he untied them, "Didn't I just give you two the top secret recipe?"

"Chris and CJ tied us up and locked us in the closet!" said Meg.

"They also disguised as us," said Maddie, "There's a %99 chance you've been duped."

Meanwhile at the Griffin's pizza parlor, Chris and CJ's holographic disguises wear off.

"We got the top secret formula!" shouted CJ.

"Yeah, and it's all thanks to me and my son!" shouted Chris.

"Perfect! Now we can make pizza just as good, if not better than theirs," said Lois.

"Hey, Chris, turn on your disguise again!" said Peter.

"Sure thing, dad!" said Chris as turned back into Meg.

Peter then quickly grabs Chris' head and farts in his face.

"HAHAHAHAHA! You totally should've seen that coming!" said Peter.

"Heh heh, well we all can't be as original as you," said Chris dryly, "I mean, do you have any idea how thin those jokes have worn by now?"

"...Shut up, Meg," said Peter.

Back at Zack's pizza parlor, Buck was starting to get pretty angry.

"That does it! No more Mr. Nice Guy!" he said, "They want a fight? By god, we'll give them a fight! Everybody, were going to be making pizzas to get ourselves ready!"

"For an all nighter?" asked Zack.

"For ammo!" said Buck.

The next morning at Big Pete's Pizzeria, Lois begins having second thoughts about the competition.

"Peter, I'm having second thoughts about this," said Lois, "I think we're beginning to take this a little too far!"

"Nonsense," said Peter, "Hey Stewie, you ready to make your delivery?"

"You bet your fatass, fatman!" said Stewie.

"Fantastic! And make sure Maddie doesn't make that delivery," said Peter as he handed Stewie a gun, "By any means necessary."

"Peter!" shouted Lois.

"What? It's not even a semi automatic weapon!" said Peter.

"You're not killing our granddaughter!" said Lois angrily, "You ARE taking this whole pizza war too far!"

"Oh yeah?" asked Peter, "Well I got news for you: Pizza is serious business!"

"You mean to tell me you're willing to kill family members over pizza?" asked Lois.

"This isn't about pizza, Lois," said Peter, "This is about making Zack suffer!"

"Wait, you mean you're still mad at him for firing you?" asked Lois.

"Of course!" said Peter, "I was unfairly terminated! I mean he kept Meg on his payroll and not me! He was obviously playing favorites."

"No it was because Meg was a good worker!" said Lois, "Zack fired you because you messed up! It wasn't out of spite!"

"You're just like him!" complained Peter, "You just won't let me be myself! WAAAAAAAAAAH! UWAAAAAAAAA!"

Peter sobbed as he ran out the room.

"What a crybaby..." said Lois as the window was suddenly pelted by a pizza, "What the hell?"

As she looked outside, she could see that Zack, Meg, Valerie, Maddie, Tilly, Jillian, and Buck all rushing towards the restaurant with pizza shooting weapons.

"Peter, they're attacking us!" said Lois, "With their own pizzas!"

"I told you, Lois!" said Peter, "Pizza. Is. Serious. Business! Get our troops ready! We're going to strike back!"

"You can forget me joining in!" said Lois, "I'm having no part of this anymore!"

"I understand you completely," said Peter sincerely as he then smears Lois with a pizza, "And now you're dead! Everyone else, LET'S FIGHT!!!"

"There they are!" shouted Meg.

"Last one alive clean up this mess!" shouted Buzz.

"BANZAI!" shouted Zack.

And with the battle cries made, everyone engaged in what you could consider a pizza carnage. Pizza pies and breadsticks flew everywhere. There were even casualties to be had from innocent by-standers.

"Dad! Dad! We're out of pizzas!" panicked Chris.

"Looks like we'll just have to use the basic ingredients," said Peter as he tossed some tomatoes, "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

"Tomato grenades! Hit the deck!" shouted Buck as everyone jumped out of the way.

"Is everyone alright?" asked Valerie.

"I've been hit!" shouted Buck as he was covered in red splattered tomatoes, "Man down! Man down!"

"Sarge!" shouted Zack, "Those bastards! Launch the pizzapalt!"

"Pizzapault launched!" said Meg as she cut the rope to the catapult and propelled a dozen pizzas into enemy territory.

Everyone kept fighting for hours and hours until they had run out of pizza's and the streets were littered with nothing but pizza covered body, sausages, sause, cheese and pepperoni. Zack and Peter were the last two standing amidst the carnage.

"Lord, what have we done?" asked Zack, "So much pizza wasted. So many people covered... I'm supposed to be a smart guy! Why do I keep doing these things?"

"Don't feel bad. What's done is done and- HA!" shouted Peter as he threw a pizza at Zack's face, "I WON! THE WAR IS MINE!!! HAHAHAHA"

"Well, at least it can't get any worse than this," said Zack, "And cue police sirens."

Then right on cue, police cars with blazing sirens show up quickly.

"PETER AND ZACK! YOU'RE BOTH UNDER ARREST FOR DISTURBING THE PEACE!" shouted Joe, "and assault... and littering..."

"But I wouldn't never litter!" said Peter.

"...And for using a double negative," said Joe.

"He shoots he scores," said Zack, "...again..... sadly...."

Later the entire family, except for Lois, was in the holding cell of the police station.

"You can hold me all you want!" shouted Buck, "The Namies couldn't break me and neither can you pigs!"

"I thought Vietnam did break you," said Zack.

"No no, it was the cannibalism that did," said Buck.

"Hey Stewie," said CJ.

"What?" asked Stewie.

"...Don't drop the soap," said CJ as he and Cody chuckled.

"For god sakes, it wasn't funny the first 3 times you said So shut up!" said Stewie.

"It's funny to us," said Cody.

Joe then wheels in with Lois behind him.

"Okay, Lois here has agreed to bail you all out," said Joe.

"Lois, you were right," said Peter, "We really did take this whole war too far."

"I still can't believe we let our inner demons get the best of us," said Meg.

"Not me," said Cody, "My inner demon and I have a mutual pact. He never gets the best of me and I never get the best of him," he earns the silent stares of everyone in the room "Uh, grandson of Satan here? Hello?"

"See what happens when you let something go too far?" asked Lois.

"What are you preaching about?" asked Valerie, "This whole thing was basically your fault, anyway!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Lois.

"You said Zack didn't have any business sense," said Valerie, "That really pissed me off!"

"No mom, this war is my fault," said Zack, "I apparently shouldn't have fired Peter even though I had a logical and perfectly valid reason to do it and once again I suffered!"

"You know, instead of fighting, you two could work together," said Lois.

"Yeah, I mean, this is a big city that needs more pizza," said Meg.

"What do you say, Zack?" asked Peter, "With this merger we'll be an unstoppable force,"

One day later on the news...

"Murdock and Griffin Pizza has declared bankruptcy today," said Tom Tucker.

"In what many view as the stupidest business decision since underwater matches," said Diane, "Zack Murdock had become business partners with Peter Griffin."

Meanwhile at the Griffin home...

"I'm sorry my dad ruined you," said Meg.

"It's alright," said Zack, "You're dad's helping me raise money so I can re-open the pizza shop by next week."

"Where is dad anyway?" asked Meg.

"At a kid's birthday party, making the money," said Zack.

"So is he like a clown or a magician?" asked Meg.

"Pinata," said Zack.

"Pinata stuffer or pinata handler or...?" asked Meg.

"No," said Zack.

Meanwhile at a birthday party, a bunch of little kids are beating him with sticks and bats as he's tied to a tree.

"OW! OW! STOP IT!" screamed Peter, "MY INSIDES DON'T HAVE CANDY! THEY HAVE BLOOD AND POOP AND VITAL ORGANS!"

As he hangs there, Maddie walks up to him.

"Maddie! Thank god!" said Peter, "Now untie granddaddy and..." he said before he notices she had a metal baseball bat, "What... what are you doing?"

"TRIKE MURDERER!!" screamed out Maddie as he clubbed Peter in the head and everything blacked out.

**End Chapter**


	44. The Grandpa is Right

**Chapter 42: The Grandpa is Right**

During a regular Saturday afternoon in the Griffin house, Maddie, Stewie, and Brian were in the living room watching TV. They were watching the Brady Bunch theme song.

**Cutaway to TV**

Here's the story of a lovely lady

Who was bringing up 3 very lovely girls

All of them had hair and gold like their mother

The youngest one in curls

Here's the story, of a man named Brady

Who was busy with 3 boys of his own

They were four men living all together

Yet they were all alone

Till the one day when the lady met the fellow

And they knew it was much more than a hunch

That this group would somehow form a family

That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch

Here's the story, of a guy named Big Jim

Who was really Mike Brady's secret gay mate.

Yes Mr. Brady was living a sham of a marriage

He tried to hide it, but it was too late

Carol Brady eventually found out

And she filed for an annulment and a divorce

Mike Brady had lost everything he owned

Now he's homeless and broke

Here's the story, of a man named Brady

Who's now living all homeless and on the streets

He lives in a cardboard box and does crack and marijuana

And he has no shoes on his feet

**End Cutaway**

"I don't like this extended version," said Stewie.

Just then, Zack and Meg walk through the front door holding bags of clothes and stuff.

"Maddie, we have a surprise for you," said Meg.

"You remembered how much you wanted a pet after Stripes died?" asked Zack.

"Yes," responded Maddie.

"So we went to the pet store..." said Meg.

"Yes?" asked Maddie with anticipation.

"And bought you a pet!" said Meg.

"YES!" squealed Maddie with joy.

"So here it is," said Meg as she went into the bag.

"Yes?"

"You're very own..." continued Meg.

"YES YES YES!" shouted Maddie.

"...Goldfish!" said Meg as she pulled out a fishbowl with a lone goldfish.

"...Yes?" asked Maddie with a hint of disappointment.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Stewie loudly, "Did you see that? She got burnt! She got totally burnt! It was like watching a car crash in slow motion."

"Um... thanks?" asked Maddie as Meg handed her the fishbowl.

"I know it's not as exciting as a dog or a cat," said Zack, "But it's the perfect pet for someone your age."

"Think of it as more of a starter pet," said Meg, "I'm sure you'll love her."

"Yeah, we'll probably be as good of friends as... two things that aren't very friendly... to each other" said Maddie dryly, "Meh, I'm too under whelmed to think of something."

An hour later, Maddie was boredly sitting in her room, boredly staring at her fishbowl.

"I guess I'll call you Goldie," said Maddie, "So do you do anything other than swim around in a fishbowl?"

All Goldie could do was swim around a bit in the fishbowl and stare at her new owner.

"No... how exciting..." said Maddie boredly.

Suddenly, Chris walks into the room carrying a notebook and pencil.

"Maddie, can you help me with math homework?" asked Chris, "Math homework is really hard."

"Uncle Chris, I'm just a baby," said Maddie.

"Tilly's a baby and she knows math and science and outer space and stuff," said Chris.

"I'm not Tilly! Can't you ask someone else, like my mom or YOUR mom?" asked Maddie.

"Because dad said that girls aren't good at math or anything except kitchen stuff," said Chris.

"Then why are you asking me?" asked Maddie, "I'm a GIRL!"

"Because you're a baby and Tilly's a baby and she knows math and science and outer space and stuff," said Chris.

"But I'm still a girl," said Maddie, "Ask grandma. she's an adult."

"I can't," said Chris, "Because dad said that girls aren't-"

"Fine! Fine! What's the problem?" asked Maddie annoyed.

"I can't figure out this one math problem," said Chris, "What's 36 divided by 6?"

"A 14 year old boy with the intellect of a one year old asking a one year a math question," said Maddie, "We'll be here for hours!"

Just then, Goldie begins blowing bubbles in her fishbowl, each one rapidly in succession. Maddie then begins to count the bubbles.

"Goldie blew 6 bubbles..." said Maddie, "Maybe the answer's 6?"

"Okay, 60 divided by 5..." asked Chris.

Goldie then blew twelve bubbles in her fish bowl.

"Goldie thinks it's twelve," said Maddie, "I think she knows math!"

"Wait... you mean your goldfish knows math? And it's a girl?" asked Chris in shock, "MY MIND IS BLOWN! AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"

"You must be a pretty smart fish, huh," asked Maddie as the fish nodded, "Wanna learn some tricks?"

A few days later, Brian walks up to Maddie's room to see how she was doing.

"So how are things going with your new pet?" asked Brian.

"Things are going great, actually," said Maddie.

"Really?" asked Brian, "I thought you'd find your goldfish to be on the boring side. As pets, they don't do much."

"Goldie is really smart," said Maddie, "You should look at all the neat tricks I taught her."

"Tricks?" asked Brian as his curiosity peaked.

"Watch. Goldie, roll," commanded Maddie.

Goldie then rolled within her fishbowl.

"Goldie, jump," commanded Maddie.

Goldie then leapt from out of her fishbowl and landed back within it.

"Goldie, how many fingers am I holding?" asked Maddie as she held up 3 fingers.

Goldie then blows out 3 bubbles.

"High fin, Goldie!" said Maddie as Goldie leapt from the bowl to give Maddie a high five.

"Wow, impressive," said Brian in awe, "I guess you CAN teach a Gold Fish new tricks. Heh heh! Get it, because it's a spin on the phrase 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks' and gold sounds like old."

"Yeah, I kinda got it the first time," said Maddie.

"Yeah..." sighed Brian as he was then about to eat some fish sticks.

Goldie and Maddie both see this, however, and scream as Brian puts them to his mouth. Maddie, then slaps them from out of his hand.

"Ow! What's wrong with you?" asked Brian.

"What's wrong with YOU?" asked Maddie as she pointed out Goldie to him.

"Oh... OH! Oh my god! I am so so sorry!" said Brian.

"You were about to feast on Goldie's brethren in front of her!" said Maddie, "You're more inconsiderate than Bugs Bunny was when he took Daffy Duck to Chinatown?"

**Flashback**

Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck were taking a stroll to Chinatown when they stop by a shop.

"You say you found some family members I wanted to meet?" asked Daffy.

"Yep," said Bugs pointing to a bunch of upside down hanging dad ducks, "I found them 'hanging' around!"

"Oh my god!" said Daffy as his lips trembled, "Oh dear God no! I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"Heh heh! Ain't I a stinker?" asked Bugs.

"This isn't funny at all!" sobbed Daffy, "You think this is some kind of joke? Well it isn't funny! I lost my mom to Chinese men when I was a duckling!"

"Heh heh... ohhhhh...." laughed Bugs nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Wow! Even I thought that was in bad taste, and I'm a stereotype," said Speedy Gonzalez, "Andale! Andale! Arriba, arriba!"

With that, Speedy sped off.

**End Flashback**

A week later, Peter was in the living room watching TV when the doorbell rings. As he answers it, he sees his friends Joe and Quagmire except they're all dressed up. Joe was bald and in a suit just like Professor X of the X-Men and Quagmire was dressed up as Batman.

"Hey, Peter, the comic book convention is in town," said Quagmire, "We wanted to know if you wanted to come along?"

"Wow, you guys are even dressed up like comic book characters," said Peter, "Especially you Joe. You went all the way by shaving your head to be Professor X."

"Actually, I have cancer and my hair fell out," said Joe gravely.

"Really?" asked Peter.

"Yeah...," said Joe, "Professor Xavier is a bald cripple and at the moment, so am I."

"Wow, I'm sorry to hear that," said Peter in a serious tone.

"So anyway, you coming or what?" asked Quagmire.

"Yeah, just give me a second!" said Peter, "I gotta get a costume!"

Peter then rushes into his room and begins looking through his closet for clothes.

"What on earth are you doing, Peter?" asked Lois.

"Lois, have you seen my Superman costume?" asked Peter, "The one I wore on Halloween?"

"I threw it out," said Lois.

"What? Awwwww!" groaned Peter, "But why?"

"Well, let this be a lesson to you," said Lois, "Next time you make a superhero costume, include a zipper when you want to use the bathroom and capes don't make good toilet paper."

"I gotta find something else!" said Peter as he ran into Maddie's room and saw the goldfish in the fishbowl, "Perfect..."

Later that afternoon, Maddie lead Olivia and Janet into her room to show them her new fish.

"And she's really smart, too," said Maddie, "She's like a super fish or something."

"I can't wait to see this smart fish of yours," said Olivia.

"I like fishes," said Janet.

"That's weird," said Maddie, "She was on the table when I left. Goldie? Where is she?"

"We'll wait here, until you find her" said Olivia.

Maddie then goes downstairs into the living room where Lois was watching TV.

"Grandma, have you seen Goldie?" asked Maddie, "She's not in my room."

"Really? That's odd," said Lois, "Maybe your grandfather knows. Peter?"

Suddenly in a cloud of smoke, Peter appears wearing a green jumpsuit, a purple cape, and a fishbowl on his head like Mysterio from Spider-Man.

"Peter? I am not this Peter you speak of," said Peter, "There is only Mysterio, The Master of Illusion!"

"Wait a minute... that's my fishbowl you're wearing!" said Maddie in horror, "My fish better not be in there!"

"Keep you diaper on," said Peter, "The Great Mysterio put you fish over there."

To Maddie's horror, her fish was on the dresser flopping around without any water.

"Oh my God! Goldie!" said Maddie in utmost horror.

"Oh that's right... fish need water to survive or something," said Peter.

"You left a goldfish out of the water?!" asked Lois furiously, "What the hell were you thinking?!?"

"The great Mysterio doesn't think!" shouted Peter.

Thinking quickly, Maddie grabs a nearby vase, tosses the flowers away and quickly puts Goldie into the vase full of water. As she looks in the bowl, she notices that Goldie was floating upside and not moving.

"Th-this is just a new trick, right Goldie?" she asked nervously but the fish didn't respond, "...Goldie?"

"I'm sorry, Maddie," said Lois, "But I think your goldfish is dead."

"But... she'll come back, right?" asked Maddie, "She's just sleeping, isn't she?"

Lois just silently shook her head and Maddie began to cry.

"I guess The Great Mysterio is not wearing a nice costume today," muttered Peter selfishly.

A few hours Maddie, Meg, and Zack stood in the backyard on the cloudy, windy fall day as The Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven solemnly played in the background. The infant was holding nothing but an empty fishbowl as she sadly looked at a small marked grave that read: "Here Lies Goldie: Maddie's Fish." She could only cry as she clutched tightly to her mother and father who both hugged her back.

"I'm sorry, Maddie," said Zack as he wiped the tears from her eyes, "There was nothing we could do..."

"We can get you a new goldfish if you want," said Meg, "Would you like that?"

"No... I don't want a new goldfish," said Maddie as she slowly walked back towards the house, "I want a new grandpa. A better grandpa."

Meg and Zack could only gasp at Maddie's statement. She had made it abundantly clear that she was angry at Peter for what he had done, but they didn't think she was THIS angry. Zack and Meg walk inside the house and into the living room where Peter and Lois were watching TV. Peter was still wearing the Mysterio costume and the very sight of him desecrating what was Goldie's final resting place made Zack's blood boil.

"You!" pointed Zack accusingly, "You made my little girl cry!"

"DO NOT THREATEN THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MYSTER-" shouted Peter as Zack shattered the fishbowl head with his fist, jamming a few shards into Peter's face, "OWOWOWOWOWOWOW! THE GREAT MYSTERIO IS IN PAIN! OWOWOWOW!"

"The Great Mysterio can shut up!" said Zack angrily.

"You fat bastard! You knew Maddie always wanted a pet!" said Meg angrily, "Why do you have to ruin everything?!"

"You know, this wouldn't have even happened if you didn't get her a pet in the first place," said Peter sternly, "I think we know who is TRULY to blame here."

"That does it!" said Zack angrily as he grabbed Peter by the shirt collar, "I'm going to kill you a million times over! Then after that I'm going to dig up your grave just so I can take your DNA, then clone you so I can kill your clones! Then I'll have your soul converted to Hinduism so you can be reincarnated so I can kill you again! Then I'll have Lois impregnated with what's left of you so I can kill your next son!"

"What if she has a daughter?" asked Peter.

"Then... Maddie gets an aunt," said Zack, "So... you better pray it's a girl!"

"Stop it! All of you!" intervened Lois, "Getting angry at Peter isn't going to bring Goldie back!"

"Maddie happens to think so," said Meg.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Peter.

"Dad, Maddie hates you!" said Meg.

"Me?" asked Peter, "How can anybody hate me? I'm a lovable oaf!"

"Yeah, you're about as lovable as a terminal illness," said Zack.

"Oh yeah?" challenged Peter, "...Well, I had sex with your WIFE!"

"My wife is your daughter, dumbass!" said Zack.

"...Damn you, Seinfeld!" shouted Peter angry, "Anyway, I killed a fish! So what? They don't have feelings!"

"Peter, you killed her pet," said Brian, "If you think anyone wouldn't be mad at you for that, then you're in more denial than Michelangelo was about his addiction."

**Cutaway**

Michelangelo was walking back home into the sewers when he sees Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, Splinter, and April all sitting in the living room waiting for him.

"Dudes, what the shell's going on here?" asked Michelangelo.

"It's an intervention, my son," said Splinter.

"Michelangelo, we're getting very worried about this addiction of yours," said Leonardo.

"Yeah, and it's gotta stop before you kill yourself," said Donatello.

"Dudes, this better not be what I this is about," said Michelangelo, "And what the shell are THEY doing here?"

He was pointing to Bebop, Rocksteady,and Shredder who were in the lair for some reason.

"Your addiction is so bad that they wanted to help," said April.

"That's right," snorted Bebop, "Believe me, no drug is worth it."

"It starts by getting high," said Shredder, "But then you start getting nothing but lows."

"I seriously do not have a problem!" said Michelangelo.

"No?" asked Raphael, "Then maybe you wouldn't mind explaining THESE!"

He then throws onto the table 10 empty pizza boxes.

"That's doesn't mean anything," said Michelangelo, "So what if I had a few pizza boxes in my room. That doesn't mean I'm addicted to the HOLY CRAP! THERE'S STILL SOME CHEESE IN THAT BOX!"

"Mikey! No!" shouted Leonardo as he and everyone else in the room began to restrain Michelangelo.

**End Cutaway**

Meanwhile upstairs in Stewie and Maddie's bedroom, Maddie was sadly beating on the drums of her drum kit. She was still sulking over the loss of her beloved goldfish as Stewie, Tilly, and CJ walked in to attempt to cheer her up.

"Hey," said Stewie.

"Hey," said Maddie.

"I heard about what happened to Goldie," said Stewie, "You okay?"

"No," said Maddie, "It hurts so much."

"I know what it's like to lose a pet," said Tilly, "Last week I lost lab mouse number 72."

**Flashback**

Tilly takes her pet lab mouse out of it's cage and puts it into a large maze.

"Let's see how fast you can navigate through the labyrinth" said Tilly as she pressed a button on the stopwatch, "Go!"

As the mouse scrambles through the maze, _Dance Magic Dance_ by David Bowie from _Labyrinth_ begins to play in the background. The mouse then makes it to the center of the maze and takes a bite out of the cheese only to be fried as the cheese was hooked to a car battery.

"30 seconds! Not bad Number 72," said Tilly as she noticed he wasn't moving, "Number 72?"

**End Flashback**

"After the initial shock of losing Number 72 to a car battery, I realized that he had gone to a better place" said Tilly.

"I'm also pretty sure Goldie is in a better place, too," said CJ.

"You know what's the worst part of this is?" asked Maddie, "He didn't even say he was sorry! Well, I've had it up to here with grandpa! He's such a douche! It's bad enough he puts my parents through hell, but his own one year old granddaughter?"

"Maybe after grandma talks to him, he'll learn his lesson," said Tilly.

"That's the worst part!" said Maddie, "He never learns! He's just going to keep being a retarded douche forever!"

**Maddie's Imagination**

An adult Maddie was being walked down the aisle in a wedding dress by an aged Zack. As she turns, she sees something very very horrible.

"Oh my god! Grandpa!" shouted Maddie.

Peter was drunk and (surprise)naked as he was holding the champagne bottle.

"I just- I just wanna make a toast to the newlyweds," said Peter.

"You're ruining my wedding!" said Maddie.

"You you you! That's you're problem," said Peter, "You think everything's about you. Well it's not! Today's supposed to be about... you."

Peter then falls over unconscious as everyone looks on in shock. Meg could only cover her eyes in embarrassment as Lois just frowned and shook her head.

"Can this day get anymore awkward?" asked Maddie.

"Here comes the groom," said Stewie as he walked in wearing a wedding, "Oh my god, I thought we had discussed that were not going to wear the same thing at our wedding."

"Well, one of us has to change," said Maddie.

"Yes, I agree whole heartedly," said Stewie as he stood there and crossed his arms.

"...Ugh, every time..." muttered Maddie as she walked away.

**End Imagination**

"Wait, why are we getting married?" asked Stewie.

"Honestly?" asked Maddie, "'Because I don't really know that many boys aside from you CJ, Cody, and Bertram."

"I just had a thought," said CJ.

"You had a thought?" asked Tilly.

"Mmhmm," nodded CJ.

"Have a cookie," said Tilly as she handed him a cookie.

"Why?" asked CJ.

"It's how they train animals," said Tilly, "When they do something good, they give them food."

"Hey, I can also fart the alphabet," said CJ, "What kind of food will that give me?"

"A knuckle sandwich if you even mention you can do that again!" warned Tilly.

"If you don't like grandpa that much, you can replace him," said CJ.

"CJ that is... the most BRILLIANT thing you've ever said!" said Maddie.

"You can't just replace grandpa," said Tilly, "Family doesn't work that way."

"Maybe not, but I'll put an ad on the newspaper to hire someone to be my grandpa," said Maddie, "Auditions will be tomorrow in the garage."

The very next day, auditions for being Maddie's grandpa were being held at the garage like she said where a line of men were standing. Inside, Maddie was doing interviews along with Tilly, CJ, and Stewie.

"Mr... Cosby, is it?" asked Maddie, "If you were my grandpa, how would we spend a day together?"

"You see, Maddie, we can go have a picnic and have the jello pudding and Coca Cola, and take pictures with the Kodak film and listen to the jazz music," said Bill Cosby, "You see the thing with you kids is that you're always listening to the rap music that gives you the brain damage with all the hippin and the hoppin and the bippin and the boppin!"

"Thanks, but I'm looking for someone a little less..." said Maddie as she was thinking the right word, "...Commercial. Next?"

"Please give me this job!" begged Cosby, "I haven't had work in years!"

"That line didn't work for Andy Griffith and it won't work for you," said Stewie, "Don't make me call security."

Next up, Maddie was reviewing Frank Sanatra Jr.

"If you were my grandpa, how would we spend a day together?" asked Maddie.

"Well, kid, I'd-" said Frank Sanatra Jr.

"And it can't involve singing," said Maddie seriously.

"I think I'll leave now," he said as he walked away.

"But he's really good at it," said Stewie.

"Don't care. Next," said Maddie.

Herbert then walks into the garage.

"NEXT!" shouted Maddie quickly.

Herbert walks out of the garage. After he leaves, Seamus walks his way into the garage to be interviewed next.

"Now, I know what you're thinking," said Seamus, "I may not have the limbs of a normal grandfather, but I can be just as good as anyone."

"Alright, let's see," said Maddie as she tossed a ball, "Play catch."

Seamus misses the ball and walks over to pick up, but it keeps slipping between his wooden arms. He tries to pick it up again but it keeps slipping. He keeps doing this as the others watch for about half a minute. Stewie just boredly looks at his watch and CJ yawned.

"I think we've seen enough, Mr. Seamus," said Tilly.

"No, I can do this! I GOT IT!" shouted Seamus triumphantly as the ball slipped, "No, wait I don't. Maybe if you put some gum on the end of my arms..."

"Next..." said Maddie boredly.

They then go through a list of men who were auditioning.

Carter Pewterschmidt...

"Too mean," said Maddie.

Quagmire.

"Too pervy," said Tilly.

Mort.

"Too Jew," said Stewie.

Stan Smith.

"Too me too," said CJ.

Homer Simpson.

"Ditto," said Tilly.

After hours of looking through the various men, the kids were beginning to get tired.

"Well, this is the last one left," said Stewie, "Let's see how he does..."

"If you were my grandpa, how would we spend the day together," asked Maddie who was by this point bored out of her skull.

"Well, Maddie, I suppose I would start by giving you... A NEW CAR!" said Bob Barker as he pulled a curtain to reveal a power wheel.

"Oh my God! It's retired Price is Right host Bob Barker!" said Stewie in excitement.

"What are you doing here?" asked CJ.

"You see, ever since I've retired there's nothing for me to do," said Bob, "Then I saw your ad wanting a new full time grandpa so I decided, why not?"

"Forget her! Be OUR grandpa!" said Tilly.

"No! Be mine!" said Stewie excitedly.

"Settle down, children," said Bob, "We'll start the bidding with CJ."

"$100 Bob," said CJ.

"CJ bids 100 dollars," said Bob as a ding sound was heard, "Matilda?"

"500, Bob," said Tilly.

"Tilly bids 500. Stewie?" asked Bob.

"1000!" said Stewie.

"1000. Maddie?" asked Bob.

"1001," said Maddie.

"YOU BITCH!" shouted Stewie angrily.

"And the actual retail price without going over is..." said Bob as he pulled out an envelope, "$1560! Maddie, you win!"

"YES!" shouted Maddie triumphantly.

"Bullshit! She 1 upped my bid," muttered Stewie angrily.

The next morning, Maddie makes her way to the breakfast table as everyone else was having breakfast.

"Are you feeling any better, honey?" asked Meg.

"A little," said Maddie.

"Maddie, yesterday there were some wrongs that were made," said Peter, "And as such, an apology must be made."

"And...," said Maddie.

"And what? I'm waiting for you to apologize," said Maddie.

"Apologize?! For what?!" asked Maddie.

"For hating me," said Peter, "That was very hurtful."

"Bullshit!" said Zack, "You need to apologize to HER for killing her fish."

"It was in the name of Marvel," said Peter.

"Yes, because Stan Lee would take a fishbowl from a little girl and leave the fish to die," said Brian.

"Well, he would if he had to go to a comic book convention," said Peter.

"Well, I'm not apologizing to you," said Maddie, "In fact, it makes me glad that I hired a new grandpa to replace you!"

"You replaced your grandfather?" gasped Meg.

"You can't do that," said Brian, "As much as Peter pissed you off yesterday, you just can't replace your own flesh and blood. It's unethical!"

"Just who is this replacement anyway?" asked Lois.

"I'm glad you asked, grandma," said Maddie, "Here is my new grandpa, Booooooooooooob Barker!"

The Price is Right theme song then began to play as Bob Barker entered the kitchen.

"Yes, I am indeed Maddie's new grandfather, Bob Barker," said Bob.

"Oh my god!" said Meg in excitement, "It really is him!"

"You hired Bob Barker to be your grandpa?" asked Zack, "He must be really bored with retirement, then."

"I'm a huge fan," said Meg, "I love your involvement on animal rights."

"Thank you, Megan. It's good to know someone else out there cares," said Bob Barker, "Do you know that each year, 6 to 8 million animals are put into an animal shelter? You can help control the pet population by having your pets spayed or neutered."

"Why aren't you dead yet?" asked Brian dryly as he walked away.

"Bob Barker, can you teach me how to beat up Adam Sandler like you did in Happy Gilmore?" asked Chris.

"Sorry Uncle Chris, but he's my grandpa," said Maddie, "And he's going to take me to the park today."

"No he is not," said Peter, "Because like Brian said, it is unethical and nobody will accept him. Isn't that right, Lois?"

"Mr. Barker, I don't know what to say except... will you sign my left boob?" asked Lois who was barely able to contain herself as she ripped off her shirt.

"Just like your mother," said Zack to Meg, "She can't keep her shirt on when she meets a new man."

Later, Peter was sitting on the front steps as Brian walks out and sits next to him.

"What's wrong, Peter?" asked Brian, "You look like the proverbial cat got your tongue."

"It's Maddie," said Peter, "She hired Bob Barker to replace me as her grandpa. Now why in the world would she do something like that?"

"...You're telling me you honest to God don't know," said Brian, "For starters, it looks like Bob Barker actually cares about doing what Maddie wants to do."

In the backyard, Maddie and Bob Barker were flying kites.

"Wow, Maddie, you're a natural at this," said Bob, "You sure you haven't flown a kite before."

"Not outdoors," said Maddie, "I wanted us to fly a kite once, but he made me stay home with the fan on high while he went to the Drunken Clam."

"I remember that," said Peter, "That was a good day."

"For you, maybe," said Brian, "The point is that Bob actually wants to do what Maddie does. Do you get what I'm saying?"

"You're right, Brian," said Peter, "I have to get myself a grandson that'll do things that _I_ want to do!"

"...Yes, Peter, that's exactly what I meant," said Brian dryly, "Why fix what's broken when you can just patch it up sloppily like what Maddie did?"

"I'll hire my own grandchild," said Peter.

"You already have two other grandchildren," said Brian, "Chris' kids Tilly and CJ."

"Even better!" said Peter, "I love how things always work out in the end."

Later at Jillian's apartment, Peter decide to pay Tilly and CJ a visit.

"Hi, Peter," said Jillian as she answered the door.

"Hi, Jillian," said Peter, "You're probably wondering what brings me to these neck of the woods."

"Actually, no," said Jillian.

"No?" asked Peter.

"Of course not, silly," said Jillian, "Because this is the city, not the woods and woods don't have necks."

"...Well played, Jillian. Well played," said Peter, "Anyway, I'm here to see Tilly and CJ and be their grandpa."

"Speaking of grandpas, I heard about what Maddie did," said Jillian, "I still can't believe she replaced you with Bob Barker."

"I know," said Peter, "It's a shame when your granddaughter fires you as her grandpa."

"I still can't believe it because I thought Bob Barker was dead," said Jillian, "I mean... that's why he's not on TV anymore, right?"

Later, Peter walks into Tilly and CJ's room where Tilly was having CJ run inside a giant hamster wheel that was hooked up to an electric generator.

"Hello, grandpa," said Tilly, "You're in time to witness my latest invention: the fitness generator. It not only saves money on electric bills, but can also be used to lose weight and keep you in shape."

"I'm a guinea pig!" said CJ.

"Yeah, yeah, that's great," said Peter nonchalantly, "But you know what's even better? Spending the day with your grandpa at the park!"

"Nice try," said Tilly.

"What do you mean 'Nice try'?" asked Peter.

"Like you couldn't be any more obvious," said Tilly, "You just want to use us a means of getting revenge on Maddie for replacing you."

"Yeah! We're not doing it!" said CJ, "...Not unless you pay."

"Can I pay you kids in candy?" asked Peter.

"...What kind of candy are we talking about here?" asked Tilly.

"Because if you say candy corn, we'll disown you for Alex Trebek," said CJ.

Later, Peter brings Tilly and CJ to the park were they happen to see Maddie and Bob Barker playing catch.

"There they are," said Peter, "Now to show Maddie and Bob Barker what a grandpa can REALLY do!"

"Good catch, Madeline!" said Bob to Maddie.

"Thanks," said Maddie, "My mom and dad have been too busy with their pizza place to play with me lately."

"Why hello there, Maddie," said Peter, "I was just about to play catch with my better grandchildren than you, Tilly and CJ, because I am the greatest grandpa in the world."

"Well, that's good for you, Mr. Griffin," said Bob Barker, "I hope you and your grandchildren have fun."

"Yes... we'll see who has 'fun' Mr. Barker," said Peter as he pulled out a football, "Okay, CJ and Tilly! Let's go play some catch over there right in plain sight where Maddie and her new grandpa are playing! Now go long, kids!"

"Like this?" asked CJ as he ran out.

"Go longer!" said Peter, "Perfect!"

"Okay, now what?" asked CJ.

"You stay there and catch the ball!" said Peter.

"Okay..." said CJ, "...Do what now?"

"Catch the ball!" said Peter.

"Okay..." said CJ, "...Do what now?"

"You're gonna have to help your brother," said Peter, "Otherwise he's going to stand there saying 'Do what now' all day."

"Do what now?" asked CJ offscreen.

"Just hold out your hands and catch the football!" shouted Tilly as CJ did so, "Yeah like that!"

"Okay, CJ! Here it comes!" shouted Peter as he looked over at Maddie, "Now watch as I, a REAL grandpa, tosses this football to my grandson!"

He then tosses the football to CJ, but he misses and hits the boy in the face instead.

"AHHH! MY FACE!" shouted CJ.

"What gives? You're doing it wrong, CJ!" said Peter.

"No, actually you're doing it wrong," said Bob, "A boy his age can't catch a football thrown that hard. You need to toss it softer, like so."

Bob Barker tosses the old pigskin to CJ who catches it with ease.

"I caught it! I caught it!" said CJ.

"Hey, I don't need grandparenting from you!" said Peter, "In fact, my grandkids and I are going to have the time of our lives this week and you'll see what you're missing out on, Maddie."

"Whatever," shrugged Maddie, "Grandpa Barker, will you push me on the swings?"

"Of course, Maddie," said Bob as he and Maddie walked off.

"We'll show them," said Peter, "We'll have the best time of our lives. She'll see."

Peter, Tilly, and CJ begin to do a montage of grandpa and grandchildren things as some generic music was playing in the background, but they kept doing things wrongs. They tried to go to the baseball game. Tilly caught a homerun ball with her extendo glove, but because Maddie and Bob Barker weren't watching, Peter angrily snatched it from her hand and threw it back into the field which hit the star pitcher in the head. Next they try going to the zoo. Peter and the kids walk up to the bear exhibit. Peter catches Maddie and Bob Barker and waves to them, showing them they're having a great time. Maddie just rolls her eyes as Bob Barker shows her the tigers. Peter turns and looks at the stroller to see that Tilly was sitting next to a bear cub. CJ was stuck inside the bear cage with the mama bear. After that, they head over to Bob's Funland, the amusement park. He takes the kids on the biggest roller coaster on the park. While going uphill, Peter sees Maddie and Bob walking by on ground level. He tries waving his hands to get their attention, but they they're moving way too fast. Tilly, gets sick and throws up on Peter. Afterwards, Peter is in the men's bathroom, cleaning himself up.

"You kids are the worst grandchildren ever!" said Peter as he came out of the bathroom, "I should have you both fired!"

"Exsqueeze me?" asked CJ offended.

"I kept trying to make myself look like the perfect grandpa but you two kept messing up!" said Peter, "You're more ungrateful than Zack was when the guys and I made him that theme song in the style of Flash Gordon by Queen."

**Flashback**

Zack was coming home from a hard day at the pizza parlor and sees Peter, Quagmire, and Joe in the living room dressed up as Queen with rock instruments.

"Zack... AAAAAAAAH! HE'S HOME FROM THE PIZZA PLACE!" sang Peter, Joe, and Quagmire.

"What the hell...?" asked Zack.

Later that day as Zack was taking a shower, Peter and the boys were outside, once again playing their instruments.

"Zack... AAAAAAAAH! HE'S TAKING A SHOWER!" they sang again.

"Grrrr...." growled Zack angrily as he was starting to get annoyed.

Later that night, Zack and Meg were on the bed making out. As they were about to take off their clothes, the song began playing again.

"Zack... AAAAAAAAH! HE'S GONNA HAVE SEX WITH MEG!" they sang again.

"THAT'S IT! GET OUT!!" shouted Zack angrily.

"Zack... AAAAAAAAH! HE'S TELLING US TO GET OUT!" they sang again.

"NO MORE THEME SONG! JUST GET OUT! NOOOOOOOOW!!!" shouted Zack again to the top of his lungs.

"Fine... fine, you ungrateful bastard..." said Peter as he and his friends left.

**End Flashback**

"Why is everything everybody else's fault when it comes to YOUR shortcomings?" asked Tilly.

"I mean, you kids aren't doing anything to make me look good!" said Peter, "Am I supposed to do all the work in being a grandfather?"

"Actually... yes," said Tilly.

"What?" asked Peter.

"Grandpa, being a grandpa isn't about you," said CJ, "And it's also not about being perfect. It's about your grandchildren and how much you love and care for them. It's the same as being a dad only for your children's children."

"And quite frankly, you're lagging behind," said Tilly, "WAAAAAY behind."

"How much behind?" asked Peter.

"I can only put it in two words," said Tilly, "Aunt Meg."

"You're right, kids," said Peter, "All this time, I thought being a grandpa was for the glory but I was wrong. It's about being there for your grandkids and help raising them to be a good person. And I blew it big time with Maddie and her goldfish. I'm gonna make it up to you. We're gonna have a good time at the mini golf course and no more trying to show off. What do you say?"

"Let's go!" said CJ.

Peter keeps his promise and takes the kids to the mini golf course. CJ was playing on the course with the windmills and tries to get the ball into the hole, but it hits a blade instead.

"Aww, shoot!" said CJ.

"Nice try, kiddo," said Peter, "That windmill is a bitch."

"Uh oh," said Tilly as she noticed Maddie and Bob walking by, "It's them."

"Eh, forget about them," said Peter, "It's your turn, Tilly."

"Maddie, look," said Bob Barker, "Isn't that your grandfather with your cousins?"

"You mean my former grandfather," said Maddie.

"Well I think it's time you two talked things out," said Bob Barker as he walked up to Peter, "Excuse me, Peter. I can't help but notice that you've been trying to get our attention lately, so I think it's time you and Maddie patched things up."

"I'm not going back to this retard!" said Maddie angrily.

"Maddie, you shouldn't say things about your grandfather like that," said Bob Barker.

"But he is one!" said Maddie, "He never does anything I want to do. Half the time he only cares about himself and the other half he cares about beer! I finally had a pet of my own and what does he do? Steals the fishbowl for himself to use as a costume piece!"

"Is this true?" asked Bob Barker.

"Well, yeah, I did," said Peter.

"Well, Maddie, I suppose your grandfather's parenting skills are a bit... incompetent, but-" said Bob Barker.

"Wait, what did you just say?" asked Peter.

"I don't mean any offense Mr. Griffin," said Bob Barker, "But if what Maddie is saying is true, you seem to be a very sub-par grandfather at best."

"I see..." said Peter as he then punched Bob Barker in the face.

"So that's the way it's going to be, eh?" asked Bob Barker as he punched Peter back.

Peter and Bob Barker get into an epic fist fight in the mini golf course. Bob grabs Peters head and presses it against the moving windmill blades. Peter then kicks him and they begin rolling downhill. After they stop, Peter begins pummeling Bob Barker until he laid unconscious on the ground. He then leaned down to Bob Barker's unconscious with his face mere inches from Peter's...

"The Price is Wrong... bitch," said Peter.

Then out of nowhere, Bob Barker grabbed Peter tightly by the neck and begins punching him. He begins jabbing Peter repeatedly until he started staggering.

"I think you've had enough! No?" asked Bob as he punched Peter in the face, "Now I think you've had enough... bitch!"

As Bob Barker was about to walk away, Peter falls right on top of him, crushing him.

"Oh my God! That phoney just killed Bob Barker!" shouted Phoney Guy.

Meanwhile at the Griffin house, the phone rings and Lois answers.

"Hello?" asked Lois, "Oh my God! I'll be there immediately!"

"What's wrong?" asked Meg.

"It's your father," said Lois, "He and Bob Barker are in the hospital."

"I should be surprised... but I'm not," said Brian.

"Mmmhmmm," nodded Zack in agreement.

Later at the Quahog Hospital, Peter's family, sans Maddie, was by his side in the hospital bed.

"Well, you got your ass beat by Bob Barker," said Zack, "We knew it was gonna happen sooner or later."

"We all expected later rather than sooner," said Lois.

"So where's Maddie?" asked Peter.

"She's visiting her 'grandpa'," said Meg.

"Yeah, I guess she is..." sighed Peter.

Meanwhile at the next hospital room, Maddie was indeed visiting Bob Barker who was in a body cast from having his bones crushed from Peter's weight.

"I'm sorry Peter broke all of your bones," said Maddie.

"It's alright, I suppose," said Bob Barker, "Ill be back on my feet in no time."

"I just wish things could've gone a little differently," said Maddie.

"Maddie, I think it's time you gave up this whole grandpa charade," said Bob Barker.

"What do you mean by that?" asked Maddie.

"There's an old saying," said Bob Barker, "Blood is thicker than water and Peter will be your grandfather no matter what."

"But he-"

"I know, he's an idiot," said Bob, "But he apparently means well. Do you honestly believe that he killed your goldfish on purpose?"

"No... I guess not," said Maddie.

"So I think it's time you two at least try to patch things up," said Bob.

"Okay then," said Maddie, "Thank you, Mr. Barker."

As she left Bob Barker, she enters Peter's room where he was alone and in the hospital bed.

"Hey," said Maddie.

"Hey," said Peter back.

"So... how are things going in the hospital?" asked Maddie.

"Not bad," said Peter, "The jello is good."

"Yeah...," said Maddie, "...Grandpa I'm..."

"No, I'M sorry. I'm sorry I killed your goldfish," said Peter, "And I don't mean like those fake apologies I make to Lois when I say learn a lesson but really don't because I basically tune myself out of the world and pretend I'm things like an astronaut or a pirate. I really mean this one for real."

"I guess I'm sorry, too," said Maddie, "I should be use to your ignorance and stupidity by now."

"I know, but you really did love that fish," said Peter, "You were just very angry, that's all. We all do dumb things when we're angry."

"I guess we do," said Maddie.

"How about I make it up to you," said Peter, "The weekend after I get out of the hospital, we'll do something YOU want to do."

"Thanks grandpa," said Maddie as she and Peter hugged each other.

A few weeks later, everyone was sitting in the living room talking about how things were back to normal again.

"I'm so glad that you and your grandfather are getting along again," said Lois.

"I'm glad, too," said Peter, "I learned that being a grandpa isn't about the glory or being perfect. You just have to be there and care for your grandchildren."

"And I learned that you can't solve family problems by replacing them," said Maddie.

"Well, I'm glad you learned that," said Meg.

"It's a good thing too, because I was thinking about replacing you for the weekend while you and dad went out," joked Maddie as everyone in the room then chuckled.

Suddenly, the front doorbell rings.

"Now who could that be?" asked Lois.

"I got it!" said Maddie as he walked out of the kitchen.

She then answers the door and is greeted by New Meg.

"I'm here for the new mom job," she said.

"Change of plans," said Maddie, "You've been canned."

"But I just got he-" she said before the door was slammed in her face.

**End Chapter**


	45. Cody's Mom

**Chapter 43: Cody's Mom**

From the cloudy skies of Quahog, the frosty flakes of winter were falling. The whole town was covered in snow from city hall, to Pawtucket Brewery, to Murdock Pizza, to The Drunken Clam, and finally to the suburban homes of Spooner Street. This wasn't just an ordinary snow day. Snow was blowing and it was blowing hard. The family was inside their home watching the news.

**Cutaway to TV**

"I'm Tom Tucker here with a channel 5 news special report," said Tom.

"And I'm Diane Simmons," said Diane, "A snow storm warning is in affect as it continues to snow heavily here in Quahog."

"Right now, Quahog is covered in the white stuff," said Tom, "You know, when I say that it sounds like an innuendo. It's almost sexy even."

"It does, but then people would say that you're a pervert and have problems," said Diane.

"Yes they would, Diane," said Tom "We now go to Ollie Williams with the weather. Ollie?"

"IT'S GON' KEEP SNOWING!" shouted Ollie.

"Thank you Ollie," said Tom, "We now go live to Tricia Takanawa who is out in the field. Tricia?"

Outside in the snowy streets, Tricia was frozen stiff and fell over.

"Thank you Tricia," said Tom.

**End Cutaway**

Meanwhile, Lois was looking outside the window with worry.

"It's been snowing hard for 3 days straight," said Lois.

"Only a complete fool would be out there," said Zack.

"Snow angel!" shouted Peter as he ran outside to make snow angels, "Hehehehe! hehehehehe!"

"What I tell ya?" asked Zack.

"Dad, get inside!" shouted Meg, "They said a snow storm is coming!"

"Shut up, Meg!" said Peter, "You're always trying to ruin my fun! You're less fun to hang with than Seinfeld!"

**Cutaway**

Peter and Jerry Seinfeld were hanging out at the carnival, when Peter spots a hot dog vendor.

"Hey, look!" said Peter, "Let's go get some hot dogs!"

"What's the deal with hot dogs?" asked Seinfeld, "They don't sweat and they aren't made of dogs... are they? I don't want to eat something made of dogs. Man's best friend, not man's best meal."

"Must you do this every time?" asked Peter annoyed, "What's the deal with this. What's the deal with that. You're becoming a real killjoy."

"And what's the deal with killjoys?" asked Seinfeld, "I mean, they don't go around killing people named Joy. What's up with that? And don't get me started on airline peanuts."

"Ugh..." groaned Peter as he placed two fingers on the bridge of his nose.

**End Cutaway**

"Will you get your fat ass inside?" asked Zack annoyed, "You're getting snow in the house!"

"Fine, fine," grumbled Peter.

As he was making his way towards the door, he trips and falls over.

"Peter, what happened?" asked Lois.

"I don't know," said Peter, "I must've tripped over a rock or something."

Peter brushes off the snow from the item he tripped on to reveal that it was the cold unconscious body of Cody.

"Oh my God! Cody!" said Zack with worry as he went to pick up his son.

They bring him over to the fire place to try to warm him up. Meg puts her ear on his chest to listen to a heartbeat.

"Well?" asked Zack.

"He's alive, thank God," said Meg, "But he's near frozen."

"I'll go get a bucket of hot water," said Lois as she left the room.

Meg grabs a blanket and wraps it around Cody's body. Lois returns with the bucket of water and places Cody's feet in it. He then begins to cough and come too.

"He's waking up," said Meg.

"Cody, thank God you're okay," said Zack as he hugged his only son.

"Where am I?" asked Cody weakly.

"You at our house," said Lois, "Would you mind telling us just what were you doing out in the cold?"

"I don't wanna talk abou..." drifted Cody tiredly.

"Shhh... You're tired," said Meg, "You just need some rest."

With that, Meg carries Cody upstairs to Maddie's bedroom to rest on Stewie's bed. Maddie and Stewie were in the room and immediately took notice.

"Is that Cody?" asked Maddie, "What's he doing here?"

"Right now, honey, we don't know," said Meg.

"He doesn't look so good," said Maddie worriedly.

"I know," said Stewie, "He looks worse than the fatman did when he busted his nuts."

**Flashback**

Peter was running downstairs laughing when he trips and falls over. When he lands, he holds onto his crotch and screams.

"AAHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHH!" screamed Peter.

"Peter, are you alright?" asked Brian.

"No! I busted my nuts!" screamed Peter.

"Ouch! Are they okay?" asked Brian.

"Why don't you take a look for yourself!" said Peter as unzipped his pants and pulled out... a bag of Corn Nuts, "My Corn Nuts! They're all smashed! My nuts are smashed!"

"...Words fail me," said Brian as he walked away.

"My testicles, on the other hand, are okay," said Peter, "But why do I have a bag of Corn Nuts in my pants? That's a secret you will never know."

**End Flashback**

The next morning, Cody was lying in bed, sneezing with a cold. As he continued sneezing, Meg comes upstairs with a tray of chicken soup.

"Hi. I know you're not feeling well so I made you some chicken soup," said Meg.

"Thank you," sniffed Cody.

"So do you want to tell me what you were doing in the snow?" asked Meg.

"I was on my way here," said Cody.

"Where's your mom?" asked Meg, "Is there something wrong at home?"

"It all started yesterday morning," said Cody

**Flashback**

_I woke up and went downstairs for breakfast when I found a note on the table._

"Dear Cody," said Cody, "I know it's snowing heavily here in Quahog and times are getting rough. That's why I'm starting over and getting married to my boyfriend in Vegas. Basically, I'm abandoning you. Hugs n kisses, Mommy."

_She abandoned me. So I was on my way here when I was caught in the snow storm. I saw a frozen asian lady on the way here, but I decided to ignore it for now. By the time I got to the house, I collapsed and was buried in the snow for an hour. That's when you guys found me._

**End Flashback**

"Oh my god!" said Meg, "You mom just left you like that?"

Cody just sadly nodded as he began to cry.

"What did I do wrong, Meg?" sobbed Cody, "Why did she leave me?"

"Cody, it's not your fault," said Meg.

"Yes it!" sobbed Cody, "Why else would she leave me? I'm supposed to be her son! Mothers care for their young!"

"Not all mothers are caring and loving," said Meg, "I'm sorry."

"I've always envied Maddie," said Cody, "Yeah, we both have the same dad, but she always had a mom who cared and loved her. Something I've always envied. Even cougar cubs have it better than me."

"Don't mother cougars sometimes eat their young?" asked Meg.

"Yeah, but at least their mom's there when it happens," said Cody, "Something I can't really say about mine."

"Well, at least you have a father and a half sister... and then there's me..." said Meg, "Besides, I know what it's like to have a neglectful parent."

At that moment, Peter walks into the room.

"Hey Meg, what's pink and ugly and stinky all over?" asked Peter.

"I dunno, dad. What?" asked Meg.

Peter then grabs her head and farts into her face.

"Your face! HAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Peter as he ran out of the room.

"What? You're just going to sit there and take it?" asked Cody in shock.

"Well, yeah," said Meg, "I mean, what can I do? I suck."

"Only if you don't do anything about it!" said Cody, "I have an idea, but I'm gonna need a dollar and something heavy."

Later downstairs, Peter walks into the living room and notices a dollar on the floor. Right above the dollar was a ton suspended by rope.

"Oh my god!" said Peter in excitement, "Free money!"

As Peter bends down to pick up the dollar...

"Now, Meg!" shouted Cody.

As Meg stands right next to the rope, she... throws a jar of honey at Peter as Cody covers Peter in feathers. Meg and Cody get a good laugh at the newly tarred and feathered Peter.

"What the hell?" asked Peter.

"Ha! We got you good!" laughed Meg as she then turned to Cody, "That was so nice of you to want to help me get back at dad."

She then kissed Cody on the cheek. Shocked, Cody rubbed his cheek for a second.

"Is there something wrong?" asked Meg.

"Nothing... just, my mom doesn't kiss me like that anymore..." said Cody.

"I'm sorry," apologized Meg.

"No, actually, it was kinda nice," said Cody.

"Oh my God! I'm covered in feathers!" said Peter in shock as he looked at himself, "...Which means that I can fly!"

"Dad, wait!" shouted Meg.

But Peter ignored her and ran out the door chuckling like an idiot while climbing to the roof. Meanwhile, Lois and Zack were in the living watching tv when they heard Peter laughing as he crashed down onto the bushes and started screaming in pain.

"What was that?" asked Lois.

Zack takes a look out the window and sees Peter in pain in a bush covered in honey and feathers.

"...I don't even want to know," said Zack to himself as he silently went back to watching TV.

A few days later, Cody was feeling a little better as he was up and about moving around the house.

"Glad to see you're up and about, Cody," said Zack.

"I'm feeling a lot better now, thanks to Meg," said Cody, "She took care of me while I was sick."

"I noticed that she was spending a lot of time with you," said Lois.

"I like spending time with her," said Cody, "I think she's really cool."

"Pffft! HAHAHA!" laughed Peter, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was just thinking of this really funny joke... That I heard a few seconds ago! HAHAHAHA!"

"Which joke? Your stupidity or your existence?" asked Zack.

"I never knew we had a bit in common," said Cody, "Did you know that we both cut ourselves because of emotional problems?"

"Well I'm glad you and Meg are getting along," said Lois.

At that moment, Meg goes downstairs to the living where everyone is.

"Good morning, everyone," said Meg, "Good morning, Cody."

"Good morning, Meg," said Cody cheerfully.

"I'm glad you're feeling a lot better," said Meg, "Anyway, I'm going to the mall with Raven and the others."

"Have a good time, sweety," said Lois.

"Yeah, have a good time, Meg," said Cody as Meg left, "Isn't she wonderful? I think she's wonderful. Don't you think she's wonderful? Because I think she's wonderful."

"She's wonderful alright," said Stewie, "She fully often makes me wonder how a smoking hot mother like Lois popped out that... thing..."

"Lois is not smoking hot!" protested Cody.

"Everybody else seems to think so," said Maddie.

"She's a big nosed whore!" said Cody, "God knows what she could've contracted if the rumors I hear about her are true!"

"That's my grandma you're talking about!" said Maddie, "And why the sudden interest in my mom all of a sudden?"

"It's just that she was so nice to me while I was sick," said Cody, "No one ever took care of me like that."

"Not even your own mother?" asked Maddie.

"My mom never takes care of me when I'm sick," said Cody, "Half the time she quarantines me in my room so SHE doesn't get sick and the other half dopes me up on sleeping pills to outsleep the illness. But Meg's different. She actually cares for me."

"Ugh, how pathetic," groaned Stewie, "I haven't heard Cody act this pathetic since he got high off of Valerie's organic orange juice."

**Flashback**

Stewie, CJ, and Cody were hanging out in the dining room drinking orange juice at the kid's table. Cody was the only one drinking the organic orange juice as the others were drinking the normal stuff.

"Have... have you noticed how black teddy bears are different than white teddy bears?" slurred Cody, "See, a black teddy bear sits like this," he said as he went into a floppy teddy bear position, "But the white teddy bears... they sit like this," he finished as he went into a different floppy teddy bear position.

"I think he's had too much hippie juice," said Stewie.

"Gimmie another cup," slurred Cody.

"Cody, you've drunken four cups already," said CJ, "Don't you think you've had enough?"

"I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" shouted Cody angrily, "...Yeah, yeah I've had enough. I love... every single one of you..." slurred Cody as he fell over unconscious on the table, "...not you, though," he continued as he pointed to Stewie.

**End Flashback**

A few hours later, Maddie walks from downstairs into the living room to see Meg and Cody on the phone.

"Hi, do you have prince Albert in a can?" asked Meg, "Well you better let him out!"

Meg quickly hangs up the phone and she and Cody laugh hard.

"What are you guys doing?" asked Maddie.

"We're doing prank calls," said Cody.

"What?!" asked Maddie angrily, "You don't let ME do prank calls!"

"Cody wanted to do it and since he's still sad about his mother leaving him, I decided to do it," said Meg.

"Well, can I join?" asked Maddie.

"Actually, Meg and I wanted to do this together and..." said Cody.

"C'mon! I can do a prank call! Check this out!" said Maddie as she dialed a random number, "Hello sir? Is your refrigerator running? Well you better go catch it! Ha ha... what? Oh... Really? Wow, I'm sorry... Yeah, I should have been more considerate. Goodbye."

"What happened?" asked Meg.

"Turns out the guy can't catch his refrigerator," said Maddie, "He lost his legs in Iraq and found my prank offensive."

"Ouch... Anyway, it's my turn," said Cody as he dialed the phone, "Hello? U.P. Freeley there? You do? Well stop it! HAHAHA!"

"HAHAHA! That's a good one," laughed Meg.

"Yeah... a real laugh riot..." said Maddie bitterly as she walked away.

The next afternoon, the family was playing around near the frozen lake. Peter was standing on the field as Chris walked up to him.

"Hey, Chris, watch this," said Peter as he unzipped his pants and began peeing in the snow in a strange set of motions.

The camera pans out to reveal that Peter wrote in cursive with his pee: "That's All Folks!" All in the Looney Tunes style.

"That's so awesome, dad!" said Chris.

"You think that's amazing?" asked Peter, "Give me 15 cokes and I can do the Declaration of Independence with my John Hancock! Hehehehe! Hancock..."

Meanwhile Meg and Cody were on top of a hill about to slide down together on a Sled when Maddie runs up to them holding a pair of ice skates.

"Mom, where are you going?" asked Maddie, "You were going to take me to the pond and teach me to skate, remember?"

"I'm sorry, but Cody wanted to go sledding," said Meg, "Maybe you could get your dad to teach you."

"But you promised YOU would do it!" complained Maddie.

"Sorry, but Cody asked me and I kinda forgot," said Meg, "I'll teach you later."

"Well, can I at least come sledding with you guys?" asked Maddie.

"Sorry, but there's only room for two," said Cody as he and Meg happily sled down the hill.

"I can teach you how to skate," said Lois, "I'm a very good ice skater myself."

"But it was supposed to be me and mom together," said Maddie.

"We can spend time together," said Zack, "Wanna help me in a snowball fight against Peter and Chris?"

"No thanks," said Maddie, "I wanted to be with mom..."

"Okay, you're funeral," said Zack as he ran off.

"My funeral? What do you mean by- OOOF!" she grunted as she was pelted by snowballs.

"Boom headshot!" shouted Peter, "Hehehehehe... Headshot.."

Later on, Maddie walks into the house cold and covered in snow.

"That sucked so badly," said Maddie, "But at least mom will make me some hot... cocoa?"

To her shock and horror, she sees that Meg and Cody were sitting near the fireplace, sipping some hot cocoa together.

"I like spending time with you," said Cody.

"So do I," said Meg.

"Somebody mind telling me what's going on, here?" asked Maddie.

"Cody and I were just enjoying a hot cocoa by the fireplace," said Meg.

"But that's what WE do together!" said Maddie.

"We can still do it together," said Meg, "Just not today."

"And why not?" asked Maddie.

"Because this was the last of the hot cocoa," said Cody, "Sorry."

"Sorry?! SORRY?!" shouted Maddie, "I'm freezing my fingers off and you're stealing my mom from me and all you can say is sorry?!"

"Maddie, don't talk to Cody that way!" said Meg.

"Why should you care! He's not even your son!" said Maddie angrily.

"...Fine... I'm gonna go upstairs..." said Cody as he walked upstairs to Meg's room.

"Maddie!" said Meg angrily, "Cody is a very sweet boy."

"Cody is a bastard!" shouted Maddie, "He's a bastard child and nothing more!"

"How dare you cross the line!" shouted Meg, "He is your brother and you will respect him!"

"He is my HALF brother!" shouted Maddie, "And I WON'T!"

"Go to your room, right now!" shouted Meg.

"Fine!" shouted Maddie angrily as she stomped upstairs.

Meg goes upstairs to her room where she sees Cody sadly lying on her bed.

"Are you okay?" asked Meg.

"She's right," said Cody, "We're not related by blood and I am a bastard child."

"She's not right," said Meg, "What she said was very hurtful."

"But that doesn't make it any less true," said Cody, "It's like everywhere I go, I cause nothing but trouble."

"It wasn't your fault," said Meg, "Maddie was just acting out of line. You ARE a very special child."

"Thanks, Meg," said Cody.

"Well since your mom isn't around anymore and I'm married to your father, would you like to call me mom?" asked Meg.

"I'd love to... mom," said Cody.

Meg and Cody then hug each other. Unknown to them, Maddie was peeking through into the room and nothing short of rage was what she was feeling. Later downstairs, Meg was having a talk with the family about Cody while upstairs, Maddie was having a talk with Brian and Stewie about Cody.

"I love Cody," said Meg.

Upstairs...

"I hate Cody!" said Maddie.

Downstairs...

"He's the best thing to happen to me," said Meg.

Upstairs...

"He's the worst thing to happen to me!" complained Maddie.

Downstairs...

"Having him around is like having another ray of sunshine," said Meg.

Upstairs...

"Having him around is like having a bunch of needles stuck to my face while someone's kicking said face!" said Maddie.

Downstairs...

"Zack, I want to keep him," said Meg.

Upstairs...

"Stewie, I want him gone!" said Maddie.

Downstairs...

"The poor boy has nowhere to go," said Meg, "I just want to give him a loving home."

Upstairs...

"I don't care if he has nowhere to go!" said Maddie, "I just want him away from my loving home!"

"Maddie, don't you think you're taking this a little too far?" asked Brian.

"No! I love being an only child!" said Maddie, "Ever since he got here, he's been taking over my turf! Cody's making me look bad, just like what Batman did to Superman!"

**Cutaway**

On the streets of Metropolis a bunch of mobsters rob a bank as Superman and Batman show up on the scene.

"Rats! They're getting away!" said Batman.

"I'll stop them cold with my ice breath!" said Superman.

"Can I ask you something real quick?" asked Batman.

"Um... okay, shoot," said Superman.

"How can you have ice breath?" asked Batman.

"What do you mean?" asked Superman.

"Well, body generates heat," said Batman, "So it should be physically impossible for you to have ice breath unless your body temperature is 35 degrees Fahrenheit, which Lois told me it's not. If anything you should have heat breath. Ice coming from a warm body? That's kinda of an oxymoron?"

"Well, you know what else is an oxymoron?" asked Superman, "Your face! I don't question you and how YOU'RE prepared for EVERY villain including demons so shut up!"

**End Cutaway**

"Besides, Stewie is my big brother figure!" said Maddie, "Adding Cody to the mix could mess up our dynamics!"

"You mean kinda like how you messed up _our_ dynamics," muttered Brian.

"What?" asked Maddie.

"What?" asked Brian quickly, "Anyway, the point is that Cody is family, and he's here to stay."

"Right, so what we've gotta do is go to Vegas and get his mom to take him back!" said Maddie.

"That's insane!" protested Brian, "She's a deadbeat mother! She's not gonna take him back!"

"I think it's brilliant!" said Stewie, "Just picture it: You, me, and Maddie in _The Road to Las Vegas_. Oh, we'll be able to do musical numbers and gambling jokes and have an adventure! I want to have an adventure in Las Vegas! It'll be just like all our other road to adventures!"

"Then it's settled," said Maddie, "We're going to Las Vegas!"

The next day, Jillian and Valerie came for a visit to talk with Meg about the good news.

"I heard you and Zack are going to adopt Cody," said Jillian, "Congratulations."

"Thank you," said Meg.

"Raising two children, especially with how young you and Zack are, is hard work," said Valerie, "You sure you want to do this?"

"I just want to give Cody the loving family he never had," said Meg, "Besides, everybody will be helping."

"Now that you have a son, you'll have to raise him differently," said Jillian, "You need to teach him to do boy things like sports and stuff."

"Just don't teach the boy hunting," said Valerie, "I don't want my grandson to be some animal murdering psycho."

"I know," said Jillian, "All those hunters who kill animals for food should be ashamed of themselves. They should instead buy their meat from stores where the animals were never harmed."

"...People like you exist for a reason," said Zack, "I just can't figure out what."

"Well, somebody's gotta buy seats for Michael Bay's movies," said Valerie.

"And there it is," said Zack, "Thanks mom."

**(A/N: Credit goes to Bhaalspawn for this joke.)**

"I don't know," said Lois, "This is already a house of 7."

"Yeah, and that'll bring another mouth to feed," said Peter, "I already have a handful with raising my 2 kids."

"Don't you mean... forget it," said Zack. in frustration

"Well, it's our decision," said Meg, "Besides, I'll bet Maddie is thrilled by the idea of having an older brother. I'm gonna tell Cody the good news."

She goes into her room and finds that Cody wasn't there at all. All she could find was a note on the counter.

"What's this," asked Meg as she began reading the note.

_Dear Meg,_

_I've been doing a lot of thinking and Maddie's right. I'm not your son and as such, I don't belong here. That's why I've decided to run away. I'm sorry I put a strain between you and Maddie's relationship. I know you care about me and I'll always remember you._

_Love Cody._

"Oh my God..." said Meg, "Poor Cody."

She then continues down the hall into Maddie's room and sees a lump on the bed that she assumes is Maddie.

"Maddie, we need to have a talk right now!" she said as she removed the sheet to see nothing but a pillow, "Maddie? Oh my God!"

"What is it?" asked Zack as he ran into the room.

"Maddie's gone!" said Meg, "Where do you think she could've gone?"

"If my assumption's correct, I'll bet she, Stewie, and Brian are attempting to go to the airport on a trip to Vegas in a feeble attempt to get Nikki to take back Cody," said Zack.

"But why?" asked Meg.

"You know how jealous that kid can get," said Zack, "Besides, they can't get far on foot. What's the worse that can happen."

Meg takes a look outside and notices that it was snowing harder than normal.

"A snow storm!" said Meg worriedly, "She'll freeze to death out there."

Meanwhile out on the snowy woods, Stewie, Maddie, and Brian were pushing their way against the storm.

"W-we're off on th-the r-r-road to L-Las Vegas!" sang Stewie and he shivered, "And verse two, Brian!"

"I'm freezing my tail off out here!" shivered Brian.

"Verse 3, Maddie!" said Stewie.

"Stewie, shut up," said Maddie.

"Wait, is that... Cody?" asked Brian as he squinted at the small goth boy in the distance.

Over where Cody was, he could see the others in the distance.

"Isn't that Maddie and her gang of weirdos?" asked Cody as he ran all the way to them.

"What are you doing out here?" asked Maddie.

"I should ask you the same thing!" said Cody.

"We're going on an adventure to Vega-" said Stewie before Maddie elbowed him, "I mean... Vegananaminamo. It's European."

"Wait, you were going to Vegas!" said Cody angrily, "You were going to try to shove me back to my old life with my mom!"

"Well, you obviously weren't going to stay home," said Maddie, "You were running away!"

"I thought I was doing Meg a favor," said Cody, "Instead, I find out you're nothing but a selfish little brat!"

"Things were just fine before you showed up!" said Maddie angrily, "We never needed you!"

"You mean YOU never needed me!" said Cody, "You think the family is all about you! You don't deserve someone as loving as Meg as a mother!"

"Take that back!" shouted Maddie.

"Make me!" shouted Cody.

They then get into a fight with each other and roll down the hill and fall into a deep hole. Brian and Stewie run to the hole that they fell in.

"Are you alright?" asked Brian.

"We're fine!" said Cody, "But this hole's pretty deep. I think we're stuck."

"Hang on!" said Brian, "Stewie and I are gonna go home and try to get help."

"Please hurry!" shouted Maddie.

"Wait a second, Brian. I want to do something real quick," said Stewie as he walked to the hole, "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

"FUCK YOU!" shouted Cody.

A little later, Brian and Stewie return with the family to the snowy woods.

"Are you sure they went this way?" asked Meg.

"Positive. They rolled down a hill and fell into a hole," said Brian.

"Finding a hole in a field of white snow," said Zack, "That shouldn't be too..." he continued as he saw a bunch of holes, "...hard... I should be surprised, but I'm not."

"It'll take us hours to look through all these holes," said Lois.

"You're right, Lois," said Peter, "This'll be more difficult than the time I worked at that hardware store."

**Flashback**

A man walks up to Peter.

"Excuse me," said the man, "I need help looking for something."

"What do you need? We've got..." said Peter as the music from Hardware Store by Weird Al began to play...

_Allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters  
Trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters  
Walkie-talkies, copper wires safety goggles, radial tires  
BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers  
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters  
Paint removers, window louvres, masking tape and plastic gutters  
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables  
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles  
Pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication  
Metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation  
Air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors  
Tire guages, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors  
Trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers  
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells and Energizers  
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers  
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers_

"Do you have any hammers?" asked the man.

Peter then takes a look at the inventory clipboard.

"No we apparently do not," said Peter.

"Your ad said your store sold everything," said the man bitterly "What kind of hardware store doesn't carry a hammer?"

"...Why don't we carry hammers?" asked Peter.

**End Flashback**

Meanwhile back in the hole, Maddie and Cody just stared at each other angrily.

"I've always envied you," said Cody.

"And why's that?" asked Maddie.

"You've always had a family that's cared about you," said Cody, "I don't even have a mother that cares about me."

"Really?" asked Maddie, "I thought everybody did."

"Not every kid is lucky," said Cody, "There's orphans, broken homes... But you have a great mother and you take her for granted."

"I never realized how lucky I was," said Maddie, "I can't imagine what it's like to have a neglectful parent. I'm sorry for getting so mad at you. I guess I was a little jealous of seeing mom give love to another child."

"It's alright, sis," said Cody as he hugged his sister, "It's alright."

Meanwhile, Meg and Zack were in the woods searching for the kids as the others had split up.

"Maddie!" shouted Meg, "Cody!"

"Maddie! Cody!" shouted Zack.

"Maddie where are- AHHH!" she screamed as she fell into a hole and landed next to Maddie and Cody, "Maddie! Cody!"

"Mom!" said Maddie.

"Meg!" said Cody.

"Meg! Are you okay?" asked Zack.

"Yes, and I found them!" said Meg.

"Hang on! I'm gonna go get the others!" said Zack as he ran off.

"What are you two doing out here?" asked Meg, "I know Cody was running away, but what about you?"

"I was going to Vegas so I can get his mom to take him back," said Maddie.

"What?! Are you insane?" asked Meg.

"But I learned my lesson!" said Maddie, "It was wrong of me and I shouldn't have gotten so jealous. Cody doesn't have a mom anymore and that's why he needs you."

"Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson," said Meg, "Now we just have to wait until we're rescued."

"It's freezing down here, though," said Cody.

"Here," said Meg as she gave him her coat.

"Thanks, um, Meg," said Cody.

"It's okay," said Maddie, "You can say it."

"thanks, mom," said Cody.

"Share it with your sister," said Meg, "You both need to keep warm."

With that being said, Maddie and Cody share the coat together as brother and sister. A half hour later, the family was able to get them out of the hole and the entire family was back in the warmth of their home.

"So I guess I'm now part of the family, huh?" asked Cody.

"Yes. You're part of our family now," said Meg.

"I think you're gonna like it here," said Peter, "A lot of interesting things seem to happen to us, like the time we let the Abominable Snowman stay with us."

"Peter, he's still staying with us," said Lois.

At that moment, the Abominable Snowman walks out of the kitchen holding a cup of pudding.

"Hi, this happens to be the last pudding cup," said the Yeti, "We have no more pudding cups left so in case anybody is thinking of going to the store... hint hint."

He then leaves the living room and goes upstairs.

"...That was random," said Zack.

**End Chapter**


	46. The Iron Maiden

_Hey, folks. It's the first new chapter of the New Year of 2010(FINALLY). Sorry for the long wait, but things weren't working as well as I thought they would. Another reason this chapter took so long was because I was stuck on a sub-plot involinv Stewie and the kids, which I ended up cutting completely so they don't get much "screen time" in this chapter. I'm finished and I'm hoping it's at least decent, but I think i could've been a lot better. Enjoy._

**Chapter 44: The Iron Maiden**

It was a peaceful evening at the Griffin home. Raven was spending there hanging out with Meg as they and the family was playing Monopoly. This time it was the regular edition.

"I'm sorry you had to stay over during dumb family game night with my lame family," said Meg.

"I don't mind at all," said Raven, "I'm actually having fun."

"Alright so who rolls next?" asked Lois.

"Oh! Oh! My turn!" said Stewie with glee as he rolled the dice, "Ooh, I rolled an 8! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8."

"You landed on the Boardwalk," said Brian, "That's my property and I have 2 houses there. You gotta pay me $500."

"I can't," said Stewie.

"Why not?" asked Brian.

"Because I only have $400 on me," said Stewie, "I'm right next to go. I'll pay you in full after my next roll."

"I dunno," said Brian.

"C'mon, I'm good for it," said Stewie.

"He's not," said Maddie, "He's been to jail 5 times and he didn't serve his time either. He kept buying his way out. You can't trust a shady character like him."

"Yoink!" said Brian as he took Stewie's money.

"Hey Stewie, you know what you and Nicolas Cage have in common?" asked Cody, "You both are broke and you both SUCK! HAHAHA!"

"Hmm. Oh yeah? You know what you and Ann Coulter have in common?" asked Stewie, "You both women who need to shut the hell up! Yeah, don't like that do you? I just torched your ass right there."

"Woman, that's a good one," said Cody, "Says the guy who likes to wear dresses and wigs..."

"I guess it's just you and Raven then, Brian," said Lois.

"Alright, it's my turn," said Brian as he rolled the dice and moved his piece, "Aw crap! I landed on the Income Tax square and now I'm bankrupt."

"Looks like I win," said Raven.

"Wow, you're very good," said Lois, "Tell me, do you have family game nights at your house."

"Not really, since I'm an only child," said Raven, "Anyway, it's getting late. I'll see you tomorrow at school, Meg."

"Shouldn't you call your parents to give you a ride home?" asked Lois.

"I can't," said Raven, "They're, uh, out tonight. Besides, I don't really live that far anyway."

"You sure one of us can't give you a ride or anything?" asked Zack.

"I'm pretty sure. Rest in peace out, everybody," said Raven as she left.

As soon as she left, Zack then has a thought about Raven.

"Speaking of her parents," said Zack, "Have you ever noticed that we've never actually met Raven's parents.'

"Now that you mention it, neither have I," said Meg, "I've been to her house a few times but I've never seen them."

"That is rather strange," said Lois, "I wonder why?"

"I'll bet her parents are a couple of whack jobs who belittle and embarrass her," chuckled Peter, "I'll even bet that they're the stereotypical fat incompetent moron with hot wife couple."

"That sounds like a couple of people I know," said Zack, "Uh, no offense."

"None taken," said Lois, "I'm sure they aren't freaks and to prove it, I'm inviting them over for dinner tomorrow night."

"Whoa whoa! Hold the phone there, Lois," said Peter, "We are not inviting that girl's parents over for dinner."

"Well, I think it would be a very good opportunity to get to know them," said Lois, "Besides, we never get to have people over for dinner."

"And there's a good reason for that, too," said Zack, "Remember what happened when you invited that nice newlywed couple from down the street?"

**Flashback**

A few weeks ago, Lois and Peter were having dinner with a newlywed couple known as Louis and Mary.

"And the next thing we knew, we were married," said Mary.

"Well congratulations on your marriage," said Lois.

"Yup, because it's all downhill from here," said Peter.

"What do you mean?" asked Louis, "Mary and I are actually look forward to what will be many years of a happy marriage."

"Oh you say that now, but wait until about 10 or 20 years," said Peter.

"No more going out at nights and getting wild," said Lois, "You just wake up everyday with the same person."

"And can't just look at whoever you want anymore," said Peter, "And then a few years later you decide to have kids..."

"And then there's the actual childbirth," said Lois, "It'll be the most excruciatingly painful thing you'll ever go through in life... EVER!"

"And that's not even getting into actually taking care of the kids," said Peter, "There's dirty diapers, late night crying... You can pretty much kiss having a social life goodbye."

"Excuse us," said Louis, "We have to go out and get something."

"What?" asked Lois.

"An annulment," said Mary.

**End Flashback**

"Well, this time will be different," said Lois, "I just want to get to know them a little and make some new friends."

"Alright, fine," said Peter, "But if they turn out to be blood sucking vampires from hell, just remember that it's your neck on the line both in the metaphorical and literal sense."

The next day during lunchtime at James Woods Regional High School's cafeteria, Meg and her small group of friends were sitting at their table as Raven sat down.

"What's up, Raven?" asked Meg.

"You certainly know what's up," said Raven irritated, "Your mom invited my family over for dinner."

"I thought you liked being over at my house," said Meg.

"That isn't the problem," said Raven, "There's a reason why nobody knows about my parents and it's because they're freaks who embarrass me at every opportunity!"

"You're one to talk about freak parents," said Meg, "They can't be any worse than mine and trust me, there are no other parents worse than mine."

"Well, you're dead wrong," said Raven, "They're both weirdos even compared to me. They stick out worse than a turnip in a carrot patch."

**Flashback**

On a farm, a lonely turnip was sitting in a carrot patch earning the angry stares from the carrots.

"Yeah, we're looking at you," said one of the carrots threateningly.

**End Flashback**

"I'm pretty sure they're not that bad," said Meg.

"Just wait until tonight," said Raven, "Then you'll change your mind."

Later that night at the Griffin house, the entire family was getting dressed formally for Raven's family.

"I don't see why we have to dress all fancy like," said Maddie who was wearing a pink dress with a big red bow on her head, "I look like a walking birthday present."

"Me neither," said Zack as he was trying his hair into a ponytail, "What's the big deal? It's just a few people coming over."

"I know, but mom wants everyone to make a good impression to Raven's family," said Meg.

"That's right," said Lois, "I also want you all on your best behavior. Especially you, Cody."

"Sure, threaten the goth kid," said Cody as he had fake fangs in his mouth.

"It's not us you should be worrying about," said Zack.

"Hey Lois. Which gag do you think these suckers will most likely fall for?" asked Peter, "The old poisonous snake in a can trick or my personal favorite the old what's that behind you while I set your tie on fire gag?"

"Neither!" said Lois, "We're just going to have a nice normal dinner with nice normal people."

The doorbell then rings.

"That must be them, now," said Meg.

Lois herself then makes her way to the door and opens it to greet the guests.

"Good evening and welcome to our... home?" asked Lois in shock.

Lois was shocked because Raven's parents weren't what she was expecting. Her father was a large fat who stood tall. He was bald, but was sporting a 6 O'clock shadow. Raven's mother was a well built, muscular woman with red hair tied in a bun. She wore a simple formal dress an had large army boots on her feet. She was not overly built like a female bodybuilder, but her muscle tone was noticeable.

"Well, at least we're having a nice normal dinner," said Stewie as the stove exploded in the kitchen for no apparent reason, "Oh wait, never mind."

"Oh my... You must be Raven's parents," said Lois.

"Dah," said the man in a thick Russian accent, "I am Boris Blackenski and zis is my wife Olga."

"Pleased to meet you Boris and Olga," said Lois as she shook Boris' hand.

"Pleased to meet you as well," said Olga in a thick Russian accent and she shook Lois' hand, nearly crushing it with her strength.

"Ow!... My you have such a strong grip for such a lady," said Lois.

"I guess you could say I do not know own strength," said Olga.

"Wait, where's Raven?" asked Meg.

"Raven?" asked Boris, "Oh, you mean little Sasha! She's still in car! Sasha!"

Much to everyone's shock as Raven came to her parents side, she was dressed up in a frilly prink dress with red slippers and pigtails being held by 2 pink bows. The expression on her face was nothing short of pissed.

"R-Raven?" asked Meg.

"My mom made we wear this stupid dress," groaned Raven, "I look like... like..."

"Like a very pretty girl?" asked Chris.

"Oh God!" choked Raven as she quickly grabbed Chris by the collar, "And if you so much as mention one word about this to anybody I will personally flog you to death with a three row spike studded belt from Hot Topic! Got it?"

"Okay! Okay! I got it!" shouted Chris in a frightened manner as she let go, "You're even scarier now than you were when you look scary! It's almost ironic."

"Sasha look very pretty in new dress, yes?" asked Olga.

"Mom!" whined Raven embarrassedly, "Ixnay on the Asha Say!"

"Sasha?" asked Meg, "Your name is Sasha?"

"Yes... My full name is Sasha Blackenski," said Raven ashamedly.

"I had no idea you were Russian," said Zack

"Yeah I'm Russian!" snapped Raven, "Go ahead! Make a Russian reversal joke about me! Everybody else does!"

"Okay, I've got one," said Stewie, "Ever notice how you goths wear make up? Well in Soviet Russia make up wears YOU! Hahaha!"

"Ha ha, I never get tired of hearing that one," said Raven dryly.

Later, the entire group eats at the dinner table. Everyone looks on in shock and uneasiness as Boris was wolfing down his food while making loud eating noises.

"Dad! Manner," said Raven.

"Oh! Right," said Boris as he used a napkin to wipe his mouth... and then went back to wolfing his food loudly.

"So... um, what do you two do for a living?" asked Lois.

"I kill people," said Boris.

"What?" asked Lois in shock.

"My dad's a mercenary," said Raven.

"It is true," said Boris, "I travel to many countries and kill men painfully, especially for food as good as this."

"Oh, well thank you," said Lois, "At least a certain adult male at this table finally appreciates my cooking."

"Hey!" said Zack.

"I mean a certain male who is also a husband appreciates my cooking," said Lois.

"Hey!" said Zack.

"I mean... screw it. I was talking about Peter," said Lois, "Anyway, Olga, what do you do for a living?"

"What does she do for a living?" asked Peter, "Lois, she's a woman. That's like asking tree if it can walk to the store."

"I am merely stay at home mother," said Olga.

"See?" asked Peter.

"But many years ago I used to be pro woman wrestler, The Iron Maiden," said Olga proudly.

"Wait, THE Iron Maiden?" asked Meg, "The greatest woman wrestler of the 80's?"

"The very same," said Olga, "I crushed many puny women in my path to become the greatest."

"Big deal," scoffed Peter, "It's just women wrestling."

"These women wrestlers were not like your puny so-called Divas of today," said Olga, "They were tough and strong. You would not last 2 minutes in the ring."

"Of course I would," said Peter, "After all, I'm a man."

"Uh oh," said Boris.

"Oh crap...," said Raven as she dropped her fork.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Olga offended.

"Nothing... except everybody know that men are the superior sex," said Peter, "You just fail to comprehend that fact because you happen to have the inferior female mind."

"Inferior, you say?" asked Olga, "I may be female, but my mind and body is strong like ox!"

"Yeah, and she looks like one too," muttered Peter to Lois.

"Peter!" whispered Lois as she nudged her husband.

"Yeah, why don't you do what _real_ women do," said Peter, "You know, like cooking, cleaning, having men do your work and waiting on men hand and foot."

"That is hitting below belt!" said Olga angrily.

"And what are you going to do about it?" asked Peter, "Cry to your husband and have him heroically beat me up like women do?"

"No! We settle this," said Olga as she put her arm out, "You and me arm wrestle. Woman to tiny little baby man."

"Oh, I don't know if I should take on a _woman_," said Peter, "That's un manly."

"Uh oh," said Boris, "I think little baby is too scared and has soiled diaper."

"Looks like we got a chicken here, folks," taunted Raven, "Buck buck buckaw!"

"C'mon, dad! Show her who's the man!" said Chris.

"Alright, you're on," said Peter as he put his arm out.

"Time for you to put money where mouth is," said Olga, "We go on 3."

"I'll do the countdown," said Zack, "One... Two..."

"Don't think that I'm gonna go easy on you because you're a woman," said Peter proudly, "I'm going to be using every single ounce of my-"

"Three!" shouted Zack as Olga slammed Peter's arm to the table.

"...Strength?" asked Peter in shock, "No fair! I want a do over."

"One, two, three," said Zack as the results were the same.

"Do over," said Peter.

"One, two, three," said Zack as the results were the same again.

"Do over," said Peter.

"One, two, three," said Zack as the results were the same again.

"Do over," said Peter.

"One, two, three," said Zack as the results were the same again.

"Do over," said Peter.

"Peter, just stop," said Zack.

"HA! I win!" shouted Olga proudly, "That burning you feel? It is shame!"

"Grampa, a man, just got beat by Raven's mom who is a woman," said Meg.

"A woman beating a man... You'd never hear those words in Alabama," Said Cody as everybody gasped, "Please... don't give me that 'suddenly we're offended by your joke when we make worse jokes than you' crap. It just makes you look like a bunch of dumbasses."

"How could this happen?" asked Peter, "I'm supposed to be a man!"

"Your bicep skills stink worse than my english!" said Olga, "Who is man, now?"

"I can't believe I was beaten by a muscular woman," said Peter "This event turns my whole world upside down more than the concept of reverse mermaids."

**Cutaway**

Somewhere on a deserted island, a man looks at the shore and sees a pair of female legs swimming

"Oh my God! A woman!" he said as started swimming after her, "At last! I haven't seen a woman in ages!"

As he dove into the water, he rises and carries out the woman and notices that she had the top half of a fish.

"What?" she asked.

"What the hell are you?" asked the man.

"I am a mermaid," she said.

"You are not!" said the man, "Mermaids have beautiful top halves and tail fins. You're.... eh...."

"I'm far more practical," said the mermaid.

"How are you more practical," said the man, "You have a fish head."

"I also have a vagina," said the mermaid.

"...I'm with Drew Barrymore. I'm with Drew Barrymore," he said to himself as he closed his eyes and started taking off his clothes.

**End Flashback**

The next day, Lois takes a jar of pickles from the kitchen cabinet but can't open it. Peter happens to walk by...

"Peter! Can you open this jar of pickles for me," said Lois as she handed Peter the jar.

Peter struggles and grunts as he tries to twist the jar open, but to no avail. He keeps trying and trying until he gets so frustrated that he shatters the jar on the floor.

"STUPID PICKLE JAR!" shouted Peter, "MAKE ME LOOK LIKE LESS OF A MAN WILL YOU?"

"Peter, calm down," said Lois, "What's the matter?"

"I don't know. Why don't you ask Olga to open it for you!" said Peter bitterly, "She's apparently more of a man than me!"

"Peter, pickle jars get stuck all the time," said Lois, "Just because you can't open one doesn't make you less of a man."

"Wait, are you still moping about what happened last night?" asked Brian, "It's no big deal."

"No big deal?" asked Peter, "Brian, I, a man, was beaten by a woman!"

"Dad, women have been beating men at things for years," said Meg, "I'm better than Chris at some things. It's no big deal."

"First of all, if you lie again about being better than someone again I will hurt you," said Peter, "And second it's no big deal except that I'll lose the respect of my peers. Speaking of which, Zack, I want you to promise to never tell the guys about this. Promise me."

"Okay, I promise," said Zack, "I swear on my father's grave that I will not tell a soul."

Later that night at the Drunken Clam...

"Peter got beat in arm wrestling by a woman," said Zack.

"What the hell?" asked Peter, "You swore on your father's grave."

"I did," said Zack, "He had a shallow grave. Besides, I've been meaning to get back at you for what you did to me when we met that magician in the streets."

**Flashback**

Peter and Zack were waiting for a bus at a bus stop with a mustached man who dressed nicely and wore a top hat.

"Sir, do you believe in magic?" asked the man to Peter.

"Why, yes I do," said Peter.

"What's this in your friend's ear?" he asked as he pulled a quarter from Zack's ear.

"Oh my God! A quarter!" said Peter, "I'll bet his head's filled with money!"

Peter then forces his finger into Zack's ear, trying to dig out money.

"OW! WHAT THE HELL?!" shouted Zack.

"Hold still! I'm trying to get more money!" he shouted until he ripped Zack's ear off and pulled out his brain, "Aw... there's no money. just blood and brains."

"I am going to get you for this," growled Zack as he grabbed his ear and brain and walked away.

**End Flashback**

"And I just did, too," said Zack.

"Really? A woman?" asked Joe.

"Is she hot?" asked Quagmire.

"She's married and her daughter is Meg's friend Raven," said Peter.

"I didn't remember asking if she was married," said Quagmire, "The question was 'is she hot'? But thanks for the daughter bit. Threesomes are fun."

"Wow, Peter, that's pretty embarrassing," said Joe.

"I know," said Peter, "I haven't felt this embarrassed since the time I was Jay Leno's chin."

**Flashback**

Jay Leno was at a fancy celebrity party with Peter Griffin attached to his chin. A man then walks to Jay Leno.

"Oh my God!" said the man, "You're Jay Leno! Wow, it's a pleasure to meet you."

"Yeah, it's a pleasure to meet you too," said Jay.

"Wow, your chin looks so much bigger in person," said a man.

"Are you calling me fat?" asked the insulted Peter as he punched the man.

**End Flashback**

"You know what you need to cheer you up?" asked Joe, "A drink."

"Hey Horace!" shouted Quagmire "3 beers for us and 1 long island ice tea for Peter."

"What the- Long island ice tea? That's a chick drink!"said Peter.

"Yeah, we know," said Joe, "We don't think you're man enough to have beers anymore."

"I am too man enough!" protested Peter.

"You know what we should do?" asked Quagmire, "We should all sleep over at Peter's place and paint his nails and braid his hair and talk about shoes and boys."

"Yeah, that sounds- Wait a minute!" said Peter angrily, "Shut up!"

"Knock it off you guys," said Zack, "There is no shame in being beaten by a woman. But if you do feel the need to cry, here's a hanky you can put in purse for later, Petalina."

The guys then all laugh as Zack high fives everybody on the table except Peter.

"I am man enough!" said Peter, "Now I take my purse of hankies and bid you good day... with pride."

With that, he takes his purse and runs out the bar crying like a little girl.

"Wow, Zack, giving him that purse was a nice touch," laughed Quagmire.

"I... didn't give him that purse," said Zack.

Meanwhile at home as everyone else was watching TV, Peter bursts into the house crying.

"The guys were making fun of me saying how un-manly I was," sobbed Peter.

"Yeah, well you sure showed them how manly you were, running out of the bar sobbing like a girl," said Brian sarcastically.

"This is all that Olga's fault for making me look bad," said Peter.

"Of course it is," said Brian, "It's always the defender's fault. Never the instigator."

"Well, at least it can't get any worse than this," said Peter.

Suddenly, the doorbell rings and as Meg answers it, there stood Raven and her parents.

"Hey Raven," said Meg.

"AAAAHHH!" screamed Peter as he hid behind the couch.

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Blackenski," said Lois, "What brings you to our neighborhood?"

"Olga wanted to make big announcement to your family," said Boris.

"Defeating your husband gave me great inspiration," said Olga, "Which is why I am going to be making comeback to women wrestling circuit!"

"That's awesome!" said Meg.

"I know!" said Raven, "My mom hasn't wrestled since before I was born."

"You see, years ago I was on my way to be champion of the female wrestling circuit," said Olga, "But then I learn I was pregnant with Sasha."

"I know how that feels," said Lois, "I was ready to swim in the Olympics until I became pregnant with Meg. I'm sorry you missed your chance."

"Why are you sorry? It was good day!" said Olga, "I retired with pride and not regret! Did _you_ leave with regret?" asked Olga as she leaned in on Lois.

"O-of course not," said Lois fearfully.

"To start with, mom is going to participate in this year's QWWF tournament," said Raven, "The Quahog Women Wrestling Federation is having a tournament to see who will become the new women's champion."

"Well, we'll all be there to wish you the best of luck," said Lois, "Isn't that right, Peter?"

"Pppbt!" raspberried Peter bitterly.

"Anyway, we better get mom registered," said Raven, "Hope to see you all there."

"See you tomorrow," said Meg as Raven and her family left.

"I don't believe it," said Chris, "Raven's mom is a pro wrestler."

"I know! The Iron Maiden's back!" said Meg excitedly, "She is so my hero!"

"Meg, do not worship that woman!" said Peter, "She is a terrible role model and goes against everything women stand for such as cooking and cleaning and staying in the kitchen!"

"Peter, don't talk like that," said Lois, "Olga is a very proud and strong woman. This world needs more women like her so that we can finally get the respect that we deserve."

The family then leaves the living room leaving only Brian and Peter alone.

"This sucks, Brian," said Peter, "My friends don't respect me anymore and my wife thinks I'm a pig. Now she's going to try to be the woman's champion just so she can 1-up me."

"Gee Peter, It's too bad you're not a woman," said Brian, "Then you could beat Olga at her own game."

"That's it!" said Peter, "I'll disguise myself as a woman so I can join that wrestling tournament and beat her so I can gain the respect of my peers."

"Peter, I wasn't serious," said Brian.

"Well I am," said Peter, "And I want you to be my manager."

"Peter, that's insane," said Brian.

"C'mon, it'll be just like the old days when we always went on wacky adventures," said Peter.

"Forget it, Peter," said Brian, "There is absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing you can say that will make me help you!"

"I'll give you the bras Lois wore when her boobs got bigger," said Peter.

"I'm in," said Brian.

The next day, Peter and Brian go to the gym to register. Peter was dressed as a woman wearing a blonde wig and make up.

"It's a good thing Lois still had the maternity clothes she wore when she was pregnant with Chris," said Brian.

"I know," said Peter, "I still can't believe how snug these are."

The two then walk to the registration table were a woman was taking registrations for the wrestling tournament.

"Hi, I would like to register for the Women's Wrestling Tournament," said Peter in a falsetto.

"Okay, and your name?" asked the woman.

"My name..." said Peter before he had a thought, _"Wait a minute, what did Zack call me at the bar the other night?"_

**Flashback**

"Knock it off you guys," said Zack, "There is no shame in being beaten by a woman. But if you do feel the need to cry, here's a hanky you can put in purse for later, Petalina."

**End Flashback**

"Of course! My name is Hanky!" said Peter.

"Petalina," corrected Brian.

"Petalina!" said Peter, 'Petalina Griffin... Stein... Son... Burg."

"Okay Miss Petalina Griffinsteinsonburg," said the woman, "You are going to be competing in the first round. You just need to get a costume and gimmick. Good luck."

"Congratulations, Peter," said Brian as he and Peter walked away, "You are now officially competing in a women's wrestling tournament."

"Oh crap! I just remembered that I don't know the first thing about wrestling," said Peter.

"Really? You've got to be kidding me!" said Brian.

"I know what you mean," said Peter, "I haven't been this unprepared since just now because I can't think of a flashback to compare this situation to."

The next night at the Quahog arena, the wrestling tournament was taking place. Ring side were Trisha Takanawa and Tom Tucker as the announcers.

"Good evening, and we are live at the Quahog arena," said Tom, "I'm your announcer Tom Tucker."

"And I'm Trisha Takanawa doing color commentary," said Trisha.

"It looks like we're in for one hell of an event, Trisha," said Tom.

"Not only will there be many women competing within the tournament," said Trisha, "This night also marks the return of legendary female wrestler, The Iron Maiden, who retired nearly 18 years ago. I had an interview with her earlier and she said that she is dead set on becoming champion."

"And it also seems that the arena is packed with spectators," said Tom.

"It looks like people are excited to see these athletic women in action," said Trisha

"That or they're looking for borderline live softcore lesbian porn," said Tom, "You be the judge."

Meanwhile, the Griffins and Murdocks were taking their seats when Raven and her father spot them from afar.

"Meg! You're here!" said Raven.

"Yeah, we came here to see your mom in action," said Meg.

"So where is Peter?" asked Boris, "Or should I say where is big fat little baby man?"

"Peter couldn't show up," said Lois, "He said something about working over time."

"And I still can't believe you fell for that, too," said Zack, "This is Peter 'like the time I did something incredibly stupid' Griffin we're talking about here!"

"You give Peter so much flack," said Lois, "I'm very sure he is not somewhere making a complete fool of himself."

Meanwhile backstage, Peter was putting on some spandex, some women's makeup, and a wig.

"Peter, you're making a complete fool of yourself," said Brian.

"Let me guess," said Peter, "You're going to tell me that this quest for revenge is foolish and petty?"

"No, I mean look at you," said Brian, "You look like a big fat brunette tranny hooker for God's sake. You're not gonna fool anybody."

"Oh my god, you're right!" said Peter as he took off the brown wig and put on a blonde one, "Now how do I look?"

"Like a big fat blonde tranny hooker," said Brian.

"But I look like a post op one, though, right?" asked Peter.

"Let's stop before it gets any more awkward," said Brian, "Now you go out there and beat some women," she said as Peter gasped, "In the competitive sense of course."

Back out in the arena, everyone was getting ready for the first set of wrestlers.

"Ladies an gentlemen!" said the ring announcer, "The first round of the wrestling tournament will begin. Making her way to the ring weighing in at... well... a lot, Petalina Griffinsteinsonburg!"

The audience cheers as Peter in drag makes his way down the aisle with Brian who was wearing a mustache, sunglasses, a hat, and a suit.

"There's something familiar about that woman," said Meg, "I just can't put my finger on where I saw her before."

"Have you tried the mirror?" asked Stewie as he turned to Cody, "Ha! Did you hear what I said? High five!"

"I'm afraid I'm gonna have to leave you hanging there," said Cody.

"Maddie? High five?" asked Stewie.

"You indirectly insulted me when you made that crack," said Maddie as she ignored him.

"You guys are no fun," said Stewie, "Brian is fun, but you guy are no fun at all."

Back at the ring, the next opponent was walking in. She was a generic looking blonde woman wearing pink shorts and a pink sports bra with pink elbow pads, pink knee pads, and pink boots.

"And the opponent!" said the ring announcer, "Making her way to the ring weighing in at 150 pounds, Mandy McPink."

"Wow, I never could've guessed her name involved pink," said Brian dryly, "She should be a piece of cake."

"I'm nervous," said Peter, "What if she's actually good and skillful?"

"Let's hope my training from watching WWE Divas pay off," she said.

"You'll do fine," said Brian.

The bell rings and match was underway. Mandy prances around at the ring a bit to get the audience's attention. She hits with a high kick, then runs off the ropes, does a cartwheel, and tries to perform a hurricanranna on Peter, but she can't move her weight. She desperately tries to move him with her crotch in his face.

"God, this is so sexy," said Peter.

She lets go and tries to throw him by the hair, but can't move him. She tries to reverse suplex him but can't lift him. She then tries to knock him down by striking him but he doesn't budge. Exhausted, she collapses on the floor where Peter pins him.

"1... 2... 3!" said the referee as he then raised Peter's arm in the air.

"Here is your winner, Petalina!" shouted the ring announcer.

Brian then moves over to where Mandy is lying down

"I know it's not a good time to ask, you getting pinned by a very large woman and being the first loser of the tournament," said Brian, "But... do you have a boyfriend?"

"Brian, I think I just figured it out!" said Peter, "I can use my weight to win! With this gut, I'll be unstoppable!"

And he was right. For the rest of the night, the female wrestlers tried to move him, but they either tired out or when they did move him he fell on top of them and won anyway. Olga, on the other hand, was slamming the female opponents left and right. Then again, it didn't help that most of the women in the tournament were WWE Diva-ish. Not Trish Stratus or Victoria Diva-ish, but Torrie Wilson and Stacey Kiebler Diva-ish. The two fought until they were the last two standing.

"And it looks like our finalists will be The Iron Maiden and newcomer Petalina," said Tom Tucker.

"And what a match it will be," said Trisha, "I can hardly wait until next week for this monumental match for the championship."

"I look forward to our match," said Olga, "Though I must warn you that I will not go easy on you because you are rookie. I fight to win."

"Well, I'm pretty sure it's you who has to worry- HEY, WHAT THE?!" said Peter in shock as he found himself lifted above Olga's head.

"Just do not think that your blubbery hyde will save you just like it did will al the other tiny baby women," said Olga as she dropped Peter onto the mat.

"Uh oh..." said Peter to himself.

The very next day Brian and Peter were just walking down the street.

"What are you so nervous about?" asked Brian, "I mean this is what you wanted after all."

"Did you see how high she lifted me last night?" asked Peter, "Oh well, she's a woman. How tough can she be?"

As they look on, they see Olga dragging a truck down the street with a rope... by her teeth.

"Holy crap I'm screwed!" said Peter worriedly.

The next day at the Griffin house, Peter was sitting in the living room watching TV when Brian walks into the room.

"I think I found a way to help you beat Olga," said Brian, "I hired professional WWE superstars Edge, John Cena, Randy Orton, and The Undertaker to help train you."

"That's right Peter," said Cena, "Your canine pal over here told us that you needed help."

"Once we heard you needed help and got our 200 bucks each, we gladly came," said Triple H.

"Wait, 200 bucks EACH?" asked Peter.

"Okay let's get started with training," said Brian trying to change the subject.

"When we're done training you, all your opponents will Rest. In. Peeeace!" growled Undertaker as he rolled his eyes into his head.

"AAAH! My lights are out and there's blue fog in my room!" screamed Meg from upstairs.

"Whoops! My bad!" said Undertaker.

A little later in the backyard, the guys had built a wrestling ring to practice and train in.

"Okay, so what moves will I learn first?" asked Peter, "The RKO? The FU? Or how about the Tombstone?"

"Hold on there, Peter," said Cena, "You can't just rush in thinking you can take on a big move."

"First you gotta learn the basics," said Triple H.

"The basics? Awww...." groaned Peter disappointed.

"Peter, the basics are a very important element in wrestling," said Edge.

"We'll start with some holds," said Cena, "This is the triangle choke. Now what I do is grab Orton's neck with my legs like so and I choke him and..."

"Um... guys," said Peter as he pointed to Maddie and Stewie who were standing there looking at Cena and Orton in the rather peculiar looking position.

"...Dad!" shouted Maddie as she walked out the room.

"Yes, Maddie?" asked Zack from the other room.

"What's yaoi?" asked Maddie.

"And let's try a different, less homosexual move," said Cena.

"Aww... why'd you stop?" complained Stewie.

So after a few hours of training and stuff, the wrestlers were about ready to leave.

"Thanks again for training me and stuff," said Peter.

"Anytime Peter," said Cena.

"And we wish you good luck in your future endeavors," said Triple H, "You know, the good kinds."

"Just one more thing," said Peter, "Before you go, you think Edge could do the spear for me?"

"Okay, One spear," said Edge, "I'll spear the next person who walks by."

"Please be Meg... Please be Meg...," said Peter as he crossed his fingers.

Edge then hears the sounds of footsteps and spear the poor sap who happened to walk by... which happened to be Lois.

"Holy crap! Bail!" shouted Peter as he and the others ran off.

Lois however caught a glimpse of the man who speared her. She angrily walks into the house and into the kitchen where Zack was eating a sandwich.

"Can I help you?" asked Zack as he was then punched in the face by Lois.

"Didn't think I'd forget did you? You son of a bitch!" said Lois angrily as she walked away, "No offense to Val."

"Jesus. You take the last slice of ham and the woman acts like you speared her or something," said Zack.

One week later at the Quahog Arena, the place was jam packed for the women's championship match between Petalina and The Iron Maiden. As Peter and Brian make their way to the arena they pass by a vendor selling T-Shirts with a picture of Petalina that read "R.I.P. Petalina 19??-2010."

"Well that's very encouraging," said Brian dryly.

"Holy Crap!" said Peter in a scared tone, "I was born in 19 question mark question mark?"

At that moment, Meg and Raven walked by the disguised Peter and Brian while getting concessions.

"So do you think Petalina will have a chance at beating your mother?" asked Meg, "I mean she is big."

"It'll be all over anyway when she pulls the Iron Hammer," said Raven.

"The Iron Hammer?" asked Meg.

"It's my mom's finisher," said Raven, "It's guaranteed to break at least one bone whenever she uses it. Broke my Uncle Vinny's skull once. He looks like a troll now."

"AHHH!" shrieked Peter.

"Umm, Petalina's right there," said Meg pointing to Peter.

"Then I don't have to repeat myself then," said Raven as she and Meg walked away.

A little later as everyone took their seats...

"So let me get this straight," said Jillian, "The Iron Maiden isn't a robot?"

"For the tenth time no!" said Raven frustratingly.

"Then why is she called the Iron Maiden if she isn't made of iron?" asked Jillian.

"It's her nickname," said Raven, "She was given it because she is a very strong woman. Iron is a strong metal and a maiden is a young unmarried which she was when she started. An Iron Maiden."

"Iron Maiden..." said Jillian.

"Iron Maiden," said Raven.

"...So... the Iron Maiden isn't a robot?" asked Jillian.

"Ugh..." groaned Raven as she slammed her head into the seat in front of her.

"I feel your pain, girlfriend," said Tilly.

In the ring announcing the competitors was Adam West.

"Ladies and gentleman," West said, "Tonight's main event will be the match to determine who will be the next Women's Champion! Making her way to the ring From Quahog Rhode Island weighing in at... still a lot, Petalina!"

"And her opponent," he said, "From Moscow Russia weighing in at 178 pounds of pure muscle The Iron Maiden!"

An instrumental version of "The Volga Boatmen" played as Olga made her way down the ring. A look of fierce determination was in her eyes as she locked sight on Peter who was sweating bullets.

"And the match is underway," said Tom Tucker as they rang the bell.

_"Don't panic,"_ thought Peter to himself, _"Just remember everything you learned from your training..."_

**Flashback**

Remember back to his training, he remembered a montage of things including piledrivers, powerbombs, and other wrestling techniques all to the tune of Push it To The Limit from the Scarface soundtrack.

**End Flashback**

_"That's it?!_" thought Peter to himself, _"All that training and all I can remember is a cheesy montage with 80's music?! Son of a bitch!"_

Then without any warning whatsoever, Olga came crashing into him with a clothesline that made him flips almost 3 times. I say almost because he landed on his head before completing the 3rd flip.

"My goodness! What a way to start the match," said Tom, "Iron Maiden just gave Petalina a devastating clothesline!"

"It looked like it almost took her head off, Tom!" said Trisha.

"I hear you can survive without your head for weeks," said Tom.

"No, that would be cockroaches, Tom," said Trisha.

"Oh, so Mexicans can," said Tom.

"Ye- NO!" shouted Trisha, "God, I hope we can cut that..."

Back in the ring, Olga was making short work out of Peter. She was slamming him all over the mat with powerbombs, body slams, suplexes and elbow drops. Exhausted, Peter drops to the floor like a rock.

"Goodness! I haven't seen anything go down this hard since Vanilla Ice's career!" said Trisha in shock.

"What is he doing these days anyway?" asked Tom.

"Being white," said Trisha, "What else?"

Meanwhile in the seats, the family just look on at the match.

"My goodness, that poor woman!" said Lois, "I don't know what it is about her but I just can't stand to see her get hurt like that!"

"I practically felt the stadium move with every slam Petalina took," said Meg.

"Practically?" asked Zack as he was covered in nachos while holding an empty nacho box.

Back in the ring, Olga lifts Peter up and puts him into her patented Iron Headlock.

"The Iron Headlock hold!" said Tom, "How will Petalina get out of this one?"

_"Now to use my super awesome reversal skills!"_ thought Peter.

He then skillfully reverses Olga's headlock hold into a vertebreaker, slams her into the ground and pins her.

"One, two, three!" shouted the referee.

"And our new women's champion is Petalina!" shouted the ring announcer.

Everyone in the ring then cheered loudly for Peter until their voices faded, revealing that it was all a dream and Peter was still stuck in Olga's headlock.

_"Yeah... that would be so freakin' awesome,"_ thought Peter.

"Petalina! The elbow reversal!" shouted Brian.

"Of course!" said Peter as he elbowed Olga in the gut.

As he kept repeatedly elbowing Olga, he eventually knocked her away and into the referee who was knocked unconscious.

"The referee has been knocked out!" said Tom.

"No referee means no rules!" said Trisha, "Anything can happen now!"

_"The referee's out!"_ thought Peter, _"Now's my chance!"_

He gets up to his knees and from behind Olga he swings his fist right onto her crotch area. Everyone in the audience looks on in shock as Olga just looks at him in an annoyed manner. Brian just places his palm onto his face.

"...Really?" asked Olga as she raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you were one of _those_ kinds of women," said Peter.

"Less playtime!" shouted Olga as she hoisted Peter onto her shoulders, "More PAINtime!"

In the audience...

"The Iron Hammer!" said Raven proudly, "It's all over now!"

"I can't watch!" said Lois worriedly.

Back in the ring...

"I guess this is it," thought Peter to himself, "I better brace for impact."

"Peter!" said the voice of Triple H.

"Triple H?" said Peter as he saw the figures of Triple H, Edge, Cena, Orton, and Undertaker in the ring, "What are you guys doing here? Are you guiding me spiritually?"

"No, you're suffering from head trauma and hallucinating," said Edge.

"But you have to listen to us," said Triple H, "You can win."

"But I can't!" said Peter, "She's just too strong! I'll have lost to woman and in drag this time! The guys will never let me live it down!"

"Peter, she is not just a woman," said Cena, "She clawed her way up in a business that was mostly for men and is respected for it. She is an inspiration for women everywhere."

"You shouldn't beat her to prove that men are superior," said Orton.

"Do it because you want to show her you're the best," said Undertaker.

Back in reality as everyone else was watching...

"So how am I gonna get myself out of this one, Randy Orton?" asked Peter, "Uh huh... what do you think John Cena?"

"Who is he talking to?" asked the referee as Olga just shrugged in response.

"I should go for it? Alright then!" said Peter as he reversed Olga's move into a DDT.

As she stumbled back to her feet, Peter bounced off the ropes to deliver a clothesline, knocking her back down. He runs to the other ropes to deliver a leg drop.

"Amazing! It looks like Petalina is making a comeback!" said Tom, "And she's going to the top rope."

As Peter jumps off the top rope, and lands on her with full force and goes for a pin. The ref could only go for a two count as Olga forced him off her. She ran to the right ropes as Peter ran to the left. They both then delivered a clothesline to each other simultaneously, knocking each other out.

"Uh oh, this does not look good here," said Tom.

"Indeed. If neither one gets up before the 10 count, they are both disqualified and we will NOT have a champion," said Trisha.

"Wait a minute! It looks like Petalina is crawling her way to make the cover on Iron Maiden!" said Tom.

And he was right. As Peter pinned Olga down, the ref made the 3 count and the entire arena boomed with a cheer.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" announced Adam West, "Your new Women's Champion, Petalina!"

As the judges handed Peter the belt, he took the microphone and was ready to make his speech.

"Oh my God!" said Peter, "I can't believe it. I just want to thank all the little people because without them, I wouldn't have little people to thank. Let's see, I also want to thank my mom and Chewbacca my number one inspiration! I love you man! I love you all!"

As Peter outstretched his hands with joy, he ended up ripping his costume and wig. Everyone then gasped at the sight of the very naked Peter.

"Peter?!" asked Lois in shock.

"Dad was Petalina?!" asked Meg in disgust.

"There's a dear diary moment for ya, honey," said Zack.

"He's been going commando this whole time?" asked Maddie.

"I feel bad for all those women he sat on," said Cody.

"Ditto," said Stewie.

"Petalina's a man! That's mean... YOU'RE A PHONEY!" shouted Phoney Guy.

"Oh boy..." said Zack.

"This phoney beat up a woman!" shouted Phoney Guy, "Let's boo this big phoney!"

The audience then booed at Peter and started throwing their garbage at him until...

"STOP!" shouted Olga as everyone stopped, "Yes, he is phoney. But he was a challenge for me compared to the sorry excuses for women wrestlers I faced! Women always want to be treated equal but they also want special treatment not to fight men? I don't want that. That is why I am glad Peter beat me!"

"That was very inspiring... But he's still disqualified for not being a woman" said West, "Our women's champion is Olga!"

The audience then cheered again as Olga was handed the belt. Later, both families were leaving the arena.

"Congratulations on becoming champion," said Peter, "I don't know if it's the concussion or the brain damage talking but I learned that there's nothing wrong with being beat by a woman like you. You're strong and an inspiration to all women out there."

"Thank you, Peter," said Olga.

"I'm glad we all learned something here," said Raven.

"Though, Peter, I must confess," said Boris, "While you were Petalina I had some very... um, sexual fantasies about your female persona."

"So you were having sex with me in your mind," said Peter.

"Yes," said Boris.

"So... was I good?" asked Peter.

"No, you were not," said Boris, "You were awful. Just awful."

"...Huh..." said Peter.

"Yyyyeah, this is very awkward conversation," said Boris.

"...Well that thought's gonna be in my nightmares for weeks to come," said Raven.

"You and me both sister," said Zack, "You and me both."

**End Chapter**


	47. Cancelled

**Chapter 45: Cancelled**

Meg rushed into the living room holding an envelope.

"Guys, I have terrible news," said Meg.

"Another Epic Movie sequel is coming out?" asked Peter.

"Worse than that!" said Meg.

"Michael Jackson came back to life and died again?" asked Peter.

"Worse than that!" said Meg.

"They- what is it?" asked Peter empathetically.

"I just got a letter from the author," said Meg, "He says our fanfic has been cancelled!"

"What?" asked Zack in shock.

"No! This can't be happening!" cried Maddie.

"But... but why?" asked Brian.

"MalcolmFox just isn't interested in Family Guy anymore," said Meg, "He hasn't watched the show in months!"

"Not even reruns of the good episodes?" asked Zack.

"Not even THOSE!" said Meg.

"For the record, I blame you two," said Zack pointing to Brian and Stewie.

"Cancelled? Awww! This sucks!" whined Peter as he began to break things within his vicinity.

"Peter, cut it out!" said Lois, "You're acting more immature than that time we were on vacation at Washinton D.C."

**Flashback**

The family was touring the Washinton monument with the help of a tour guide.

"As you can see," said the tour guide, "The Washington monument was erected to-"

"Nyehehehehe," chuckeld Peter.

"As I was saying, it was erected to honor one of our founding members-"

"Nyehehehe," chucked Peter again.

"To honor one of our founding members who penetrated the Delaware-"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Peter laughed loudly as he started rolling on the floor.

"Not again! That's it! I quit!" complained the tourguide as he threw his hat on the floor and walked away, "I've had enough of this dicketry!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Peter harder as his face turned blue.

Jillian could just look at the monument and remember everything the tour guide had said.

"...I don't get it," said Jillian.

**End Flashback**

"Besides, complaining won't change anything," said Zack, "I think we should tell the others."

Later at the pizza parlor, Zack was explaining the whole thing to everybody else.

"That's horrible," said Valerie.

"So I guess this is it, then," said Jillian.

"I always feared this day would come," said Tilly.

"I thought that day was when you'd hit puberty," said CJ.

"Well, that too," said Tilly, "All that blood... ugh..."

"C'mon guys," said Zack, "We all knew this was gonna happen eventually. We can't just mope about it."

"Well, what can we do?" asked Meg.

"We should think of all the good times we had together," said Zack, "Meg, remember the day we both met."

"How can I forget," said Meg, "I remember how you went to the dance with me when nobody else would."

"And don't forget when you guys had me," said Maddie.

"Oh, how could I forget," said Stewie, "I was so jealous."

"I remember when Chris and I were stuck in that avalanche," said Jillian.

"Yeah, and we made CJ and Tilly," said Chris.

"I remember when I made my first invention, the Sitterbot," said Tilly.

"And I remember when I didn't do anything of importance whatsoever," said CJ.

"I remember that Corvette robot," said Lois, "It's too bad we never reseolved our differences."

"I remember dating Zack's mom," said Brian.

"And I remember slapping Quagmire," said Valerie, "I broke my hand but it was worth it."

"I remember that. I grabbed your ass," said Quagmire, "I got my job shattered but it was worth it."

"I finally got to find out who my real father was," said Zack.

"I found my long lost son as well," said Lucifer.

"And I remember the time I jumped over a shark on a pair of jetskis," said Peter, "That was awesome."

"Peter, that... never happened," said Zack.

"Well it should've," said Peter.

"Most of all, I remember how we all ended up becoming one big family," said Zack.

"I guess while the future is uncertain, at least we'll have the memories," said Meg.

Yes..." said Zack as he hugged his wife, "The memories."

"So I guess this is goodbye, then," said Meg.

Yes, I guess it is," said Zack.

"To everyone who ever read this fic," said Maddie, "To everyone who ever submitted a chapter suggestion. To everyone who ever left a review... Thank you. Thank you for your support. This fanfic wouldn't have lasted this long without you."

"Yeah, and to everyone who flamed this fic, you can Go to hell!" shouted Stewie.

"Stewie, that's not a very nice thing to say," said Lois.

"Thank you all very much," said Meg, "Thank you... and goodbye."

The family waved to the audience and took a final bow before everything and the world around them faded to black.

**End. **


End file.
